Chapter Text
“Hey, do you wanna go grab dinner tonight? My treat.” Yoongi’s voice was soft. Jin glanced up from his phone. Yoongi was chewing his bottom lip, looking far more timid than usual.
“Something wrong?” Jin worried.
“No. Just. Hm.” Yoongi frowned a little, his brows furrowed. He settled onto the floor across from Jin and put his arms around his knees. The dorm was surprisingly quiet, a rarity with seven boys living in a confined space.
“You look like something’s up.”
“Do you like me, Jin-hyung?”
“What? Of course.” Jin smiled a little. “Why would you think I don’t?”
“Not as a friend. But more.”
Jin hesitated, tilting his head a little. The question sent painful daggers of anxiety straight to his stomach. “What’s bringing this on, Yoongi?”
Yoongi huffed, scrubbing his hands through his hair and ruffling it. Jin bit back the chuckle at its messy state, reaching out and flattening it. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t get it. You’re… So damn perfect,” Yoongi mumbled. “I’m not good talking about this shit.”
“You can tell me anything.” Jin touched his arm instinctively, offering a small smile.
“I want to kiss you,” Yoongi blurted, biting his lips immediately after and diverting his eyes. “I want… I mean I want to date you. We’ve shared a space for a while now and some days I feel like you feel the same way. But then other days you seem so weirdly standoffish and I get confused. And I know you don’t want to risk the group but… Jimin and Tae are dating and we’re all fine with that.”
Jin sighed softly. “Yoongi,” he said softly.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Give me that pitiful sounding voice. I misunderstood, didn’t I?” Yoongi curled in on himself a little more, his shoulders sagging in.
“I’m not pitying you. I do like you, Yoongi.”
“Then why when I ask…” Yoongi shrugged.
“Because things are more complicated for me than they are for Jimin or Tae. You don’t need that stress.”
“Why do you get to decide if I need it?” Yoongi asked, perking up a little. “I’m an adult too. If you were here I’d be the eldest of the group. I’m not some child for you to baby like the maknaes.”
“No, of course not.” Jin sighed, wanting more than anything to fix this. “But this isn’t something simple. It’s not like dating in secret or being gay in our industry. This is bigger.”
“What is it, hyung?”
“I can’t.”
Yoongi’s injured expression shifted to anger. “Why not? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you.”
“Then why can’t you just tell me? What’s stopping you from dating me? From telling me the truth? You talk big about taking care of us but you keep secrets!” He snapped.
Jin winced. “Don’t yell, please.”
“I’m not.” Yoongi huffed and rose from the floor. “Forget about it.”
“Yoongi—”
“No. You can talk to me when you’re ready. Or don’t. Forget I said anything.” He stormed out, slamming the door loud enough that Jin winced.
Jin dropped his face into his hands, groaning softly. He really did like Yoongi. They’d been flirting on and off since he moved into the dorm with them. Yoongi was so different than him, but a perfect complement. He’d spent more time than he’d like to admit daydreaming about how Yoongi’s mouth would feel, how nice it would be to hold his hands non-platonically, to cuddle with him while they all watched a movie. He was mildly envious when Jimin and Taehyung admitted they wanted to begin dating – He’d have given anything to be able to ask Yoongi out. But it was too scary. And too dangerous. The secret that Jin held so close to himself was one that could wreck them before they even debuted.
***
Nearly two weeks passed without incident after their argument. Though Jin tried his best to refrain from flirting with Yoongi – and Yoongi seemed to be doing the same – there was no bad blood between the two. Between choreography practice, vocal lessons, and recordings, bad blood would have been difficult to hold anyway.
The group was just finishing up their choreography practice for the day when the door opened. Their manager entered, looking stern.
“Jin. CEO needs to see you.”
Jin felt his heart leap into his throat. He bowed regardless. “I’ll be right in, let me clean myself up.”
“He said now.” The manager motioned toward the door, making no move to leave before Jin followed. Jin could feel the eyes of every other member on him as he made his way to the door, struggling to regulate his breathing both from dancing and from fear.
The walk up to the CEO’s office had never felt longer. A thousand possibilities raced through Jin’s mind. Was he going to be let go? Told not to debut? Did something happen to a family member? Did someone outside the company find out… The final one was the worst thought. And it was the one that stuck with Jin even as he stood outside the door.
“Get in here, please,” Bang called.
Jin entered, bowing as low as he could manage remaining upright. “Good afternoon, sir.”
“Here.” Bang held out a small stack of paper. “I’ll cut to the chase. We lined up a surgeon for you.”
Jin’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t help the smile that tweaked the edges of his mouth up. “Really?”
“Mm. You’ll leave tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow? That’s so soon.” Jin said, taking the papers from Bang.
“We need it done soon. He informed us you could take a few months to recover and we can’t afford that. We want the group to debut in under six months time and I won’t have it held up because of your surgery. You need it done immediately and you will start working out as soon as you’re able.”
“Of course.” Jin bowed. “What do I tell the others?”
“Family emergency. Break. Injury. Don’t care. You’ll need two weeks at least, maybe an additional two if you heal slow.”
Jin nodded. “Thank you. Family emergency sounds the safest.”
Bang waved his hand, signaling the end of the conversation. Jin bowed once more and hurried out, heading toward the changing room.
He peeked in, checking to make sure the other members weren’t in yet. Coast was clear. He headed to the locker he’d shoved his things into and put the papers into his backpack before stripping out of his shirt. Another nervous glance around. He hated the expectation to change in a group. It had made him nervous in school and now made him nervous for entirely different reasons.
The room seemed to still be empty, so Jin undid the tie on his pants and let them drop, sitting down to remove his sneakers and the sweats. He tugged off his binder, drawing in a deep breath as the pressure on his ribs relaxed. Two weeks off or not – he would be relieved to not have to try and exercise normally in one of those again. He glanced down in disdain at his chest. Even after fifteen odd years, he still found looking at himself without the binder disturbing and painful. That would be over soon. He smiled softly at the idea and reached for his clean binder, hidden in his backpack.
A soft gasp broke the silence in the changing room. Jin’s throat closed in a panic and he grabbed his shirt, slamming it over his chest as he looked around wildly. “Who’s there?” He called softly, pulse pounding in his ears. There was a soft rustle and Yoongi stepped from around the lockers, his eyes diverted. He laced his fingers together in front of him, looking sheepish.
“Just me.”
“Were you spying on me?” Jin spat, squeezing his arms even tighter over his chest.
“I wasn’t meaning to.”
“Get out!” Jin’s voice broke. “Don’t mention this to anyone!” He turned his back to Yoongi, struggling to tug the clean binder over his head. His heart was pounding and his nose burned as frightened tears threatened to fall. He was ruined. The group would find out, and then Bang would find out that they knew and they might never debut. It would wreck their lives and it’d be all his fault.
Jin blinked away the tears, fixing the binder. He turned back around, surprised to see Yoongi still there, now looking politely at the floor. “I told you to go away,” Jin croaked.
“Is this your secret, hyung?” Yoongi whispered, looking up carefully. Seeing that Jin was covered, he looked up fully.
Jin remained silent, chewing his inner cheek. He felt his entire face burning, his vision blurring with tears. “Please,” he finally whispered.
“Hyung—”
“Stop it,” Jin muttered, turning to face his locker. He sniffled. “You know I’m not.”
“Not what?” Yoongi stepped forward. “You’re Jin-hyung. You’re the eldest of Bangtan, aren’t you? Shoulders gangster and best cook in the dorm. The big brother.”
Jin broke, whimpering softly at the tears slid down his cheeks. “He won’t let us debut if anyone knows. Please… Forget you saw this.”
Yoongi reached out for Jin. He flinched away instinctively, and Yoongi winced. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
Jin wiped his nose angrily and grabbed his clean shirt, yanking it over his head. He dug around for his jeans.
“What surgery was he talking about?”
Jin hesitated, glancing over at Yoongi. “You were spying.”
“I was worried,” Yoongi admitted. “You looked so scared leaving the room… I told the guys I was gonna see what was going on. I was going to call out to you after but you hurried in here so fast looking like you were scared. I wanted to see what was wrong. I see now—”
“That I’m a fucking girl?” Jin snapped.
Yoongi blinked. “I see that you aren’t shaped like a boy, sure… But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a girl, right? You’ve gone this whole time as our brother…”
“I’m trans.” Jin mumbled the word as soft as he could, shame coloring his features further. Yoongi nodded.
“I figured. The company knew? When they hired you?”
Jin nodded. “Turn around,” he said. When Yoongi tilted his head in confusion, Jin held up his clean boxers and jeans. “I’m sweaty and gross. Let me change. I won’t run away.”
“Right. I’ll change too.” Yoongi went to his own locker a few feet down, busying himself with digging out clothes. Jin changed out of his sweaty boxers and into his clean clothes as quickly as he could. He was surprised to see Yoongi changing as normal, not bothering to hide his body as he tugged on his clean items.
“Yeah, the company knew,” Jin finally mumbled. Yoongi fixed his jeans and sat down, pulling his sneakers back on.
“That’s what you meant when I asked you to date me. About it being bigger.”
Jin nodded. “Aren’t you glad you dodged that bullet?”
Yoongi looked over, confusion coloring his features. He tilted his head. “Dodged… What bullet?”
“Me. I mean, if you’d kept pursuing me. Finding out I’m…”
“What?” Yoongi rose, approaching Jin slowly. “You think I like you less because you’re trans?”
Jin shrugged. “Probably. You pursued me to date a guy.”
“I pursued you to date you, idiot. If you said this very second you wanted that date I’d make plans for dinner tonight. You really think I’m that shallow?”
“No, I just—” Jin shrugged. “I’m a freak.”
“You’re not a freak. I’m sorry you feel that way… I’m sure we haven’t done a great job of making you feel less like one either.”
“You guys aren’t at fault.”
“You should have felt comfortable telling us the truth. Like we’d have your back.”
Jin shook his head. “It’s in my contract. I can’t tell any of you. We could lose our shot of debut if I did.”
“That’s fucked. This is a vital part of you. Even if we had to hide it from the public, this is you, hyung! Why couldn’t you tell us?”
“Come on. A girl living with six boys? Even if the public didn’t find out, think of how it might seem.”
“But you’re not. You’re just another boy. Who cares if you don’t have a dick?” Yoongi paused. “I mean—You… Don’t?”
Jin shook his head, hanging it. “No. Still girl parts.”
“That was the surgery Bang was talking about?”
“Top surgery. To reform my chest. I can’t debut wearing a binder, fans would notice.”
“And the shirt lifts, yeah… I get it.” Yoongi sighed softly. “I don’t like that they told you to hide something so important from us… But I won’t tell anyone. Not until you’re ready to.” Yoongi reached out and grabbed Jin’s hand. “Then I’ll stand with you when you do.”
Jin closed his eyes, fighting back tears once more – This time ones of relief. “Yoongi—”
“Hey, hyung…” Yoongi smiled when Jin opened his eyes. “Don’t be scared. You’re a part of our group, okay? You’re our eldest. We’ll never let you fall.”
Jin drew in a shaky breath, his face twisting a little as he struggled not to sob. He went forward, hugging Yoongi tightly.
Yoongi gasped and Jin pulled back, embarrassed. He instinctively crossed his arms over his chest. “Sorry. I know that’s… Probably different now. Knowing… Thanks anyway.” Jin turned, shoving his clothes into his backpack. It was his turn to tense when Yoongi snaked his arms around his middle, hugging his back.
“It’s not different. I just wasn’t expecting it. Don’t be different around me just because I know, hyung. That would break my heart.”
Jin turned, still in the circle of Yoongi’s arms. He looked down at him. Yoongi smiled crookedly.
“I wasn’t lying before… I do like you. I just know someone like me has so much baggage… That’s so much to handle.”
“What is?” Yoongi shrugged, still not letting go. “I’ll keep your secret whether you were dating me or not. I might fuck up. I’ve never had a friend who’s trans, so I might make mistakes. And I want you to correct me if I say something insensitive. But it doesn’t change anything. And it’s not too much baggage. So, if that’s the only thing keeping this from becoming something more… Please don’t let it. I’ll be waiting for you if you want me.”
Jin nodded. “I can’t… Not… Not with so much coming up. Please just… Give me a while to think?”
“Always.” Yoongi squeezed his middle. “So, are you really leaving tomorrow?”
Jin nodded. “The travel plans and stuff are what they gave me today.”
“You’ll text me, right? Tell me when you’re going under and how it went?”
“I—”
“What’s the good in having a friend who knows if can’t share? And selfishly…” Yoongi shrugged, letting go of Jin. “I’m scared for you.”
“It’s a pretty simple procedure. And I don’t have a huge chest, so it should be pretty successful.”
“Will you change with us? After? The guys do notice… That you never share showers or change with us like everyone else.”
“Does it bother them? What do they think?” Jin worried.
“They don’t know. We figured maybe you had scars or something ugly, something you’re ashamed of.”
“Well… They’re not wrong, but… Not exactly scars.”
“Still.” Yoongi rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry you’ve gone through this alone this whole time, Jin-hyung. I wish I could have helped.”
“You guys are always helping. You make me feel good about myself.”
Yoongi sat on the bench. “So the company… They knew you were trans right away?”
“Not right away. When they scouted me I was already transitioning and passing. I confessed right away but they liked my look enough to give me a shot. I knew it would be harder and there were stipulations. No coming out, no telling a soul, even my parents are required to have non-disclosure agreements.”
“What about after debut? Won’t kids recognize you from school?”
“Not many. I’ve been wildly fortunate enough to have parents that really supported me, even transitioning. They moved my schools once I changed my name and started my hormones. So almost anyone that knows me knows me as a boy. I never dated and no one ever saw my body. My dead name was fully different. I’m sure if people dug hard enough they could find it, but I’m not worried.”
“You’ve never dated? You’re a virgin?”
Jin shrugged. “What? Did you think my arrogance was real?” He chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve… I mean I’m disgusting. And gay. Who would want to date me? No gay guy in his right mind wants a boy with a vagina.”
“That’s stupid,” Yoongi argued. “Anyone who cares more about that than you as a person isn’t worth your time. They should be dating you for you, not for a dick.”
Jin shrugged. “Either way. I got signed on as a boy, with the agreement to keep silent about what was under my clothes. The company has gone to great lengths to keep it a secret.”
“The surgery…”
“Out of country. I’m flying to Japan for it.”
“I wish I could come with you. You’ll be all alone…”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Jin-hyung—” The door opened and the remaining five members poured in, laughing and being generally noisy. Jin smiled and shrugged at Yoongi.
“What the hell was that about?” Namjoon asked as soon as he spotted Jin.
“Nothing serious. I have to leave for a few weeks. Emergency.”
“When are you going?”
“Tomorrow morning.”
“But what about practice?” Jungkook worried, peeking over Namjoon’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I’ll still practice,” Jin teased, shoving Jungkook’s head playfully.
“Good, you need it,” Jimin teased.
Jin glared and threw his sweats at Jimin’s head across the room. “Hey! Be respectful. I feed you.”
Jimin cackled and threw them back at Jin, turning to change. Yoongi rose again, setting a hand on Jin’s lower back. Their gazes met and Jin smiled softly, nodding once. He turned back to Namjoon.
“It shouldn’t be too long. Two weeks, three at most. I’ll keep you updated, and I’m sure the company will too.”
“Okay, sounds good. It’s not too serious, is it?”
“No, not at all,” Jin said, smiling brightly. “Just something that needs to get done before we debut. No time after.”
“Sure. Of course. Let us know when you leave?”
“It’s early, like five. You’ll all still be sleeping, I’m sure.”
“Can I come with you to the airport?” Yoongi asked softly.
“I—” Jin hesitated. “I’d be okay with that, but you have to ask our manager.”
Yoongi nodded. “I’ll do that.”
“Let’s go get dinner, I’m starving,” Taehyung whined. Jimin leaned on him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“You’re always starving.”
“True. I’m a growing boy!”
“You’re a fluffy boy,” Hoseok joked, poking him in the tummy. Taehyung batted at him, laughing. They gathered up their bags and headed out in a group, loud as the majority talked over one another on the way to their van. Jin hung back, watching his group with a soft smile. Even with his secret, staying quiet, this was his family. He wanted only the best for them. No matter what. Yoongi turned, meeting Jin’s gaze. He smiled broadly at Jin, falling back a little to walk with him.
“We’ve got your back, hyung.”
“Thank you,” Jin whispered. He knew there might be some hurt feelings, and some confusion if he were to come out to the group as a whole, and he was sure not everyone may be immediately okay with a trans member. But the sentiment was there, and that was what mattered to him.