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They are lying in bed together, Bernadette’s golden curls all a-tangle over Howard’s chest, his arm around her shoulders. If they were in a movie, he thinks, he would be smoking. Also, he would be built more like James Bond.
“What’re you thinking?” Bernadette asks sleepily.
She asks this a lot. Sometimes Howard has to struggle for an answer, too post-coitally doped to really be thinking, but this time he has no trouble simply saying, “Just about how much I love you.”
Her next question shocks him. “Do you love Raj?”
“What? Bernie, what’re you—”
“You remember kissing him in the lab?”
Howard remembers Raj’s fingers curved against the side of his face, the warm slide of Raj’s wine-wet tongue against his, the realization that he’d opened his mouth to Raj’s without even thinking about it, as though it were second nature.
“Oh, that,” he says.
“It was kinda interesting,” Bernadette says. “Watching, I mean.” Her hand grazes over and then settles on Howard’s thigh. “I just wondered if you got anything out of it.”
“It was just one kiss, how am I supposed to tell from that?” Howard protests, feeling himself slowly getting hard again, telling himself it’s because of her hand on his thigh.
Bernadette springs her trap. “What if you tried it again?”
He can feel his face going red. “Gee, Bernie, I don’t know...”
“Oh, well, okay.” Her hand leaves his thigh. “I guess I wanted to see how far you two would go.”
“Okay, I’ll ask him,” Howard blurts.
It’s too dark to see her face but he swears he can hear her smile; she rolls to straddle his hips and Howard rises up to meet her and, for the next few minutes, forgets all about the fact that he now has to seduce his best friend.
“You need to get a girlfriend who hasn’t had any contact with the yaoi subculture,” Raj says, picking at his sandwich and steadfastly not looking at Howard.
“You need to get a girlfriend,” Howard ripostes.
“I find that highly insulting, considering that you want me to make out with you for the benefit of your girlfriend.” Raj sips his 7-Up. “I might have to say no so I can go and find myself a girl instead of a skinny little putz.” He pokes Howard in the ribs, fingertips lingering on Howard’s side.
“I bet I can talk Bernadette into kissing you. You know. As a thank you.”
Raj looks at him, his hand still on Howard’s side. “You two should come to my place,” he says eventually. He has moved his fingers so that each of them lies between Howard’s ribs. “Then we don’t have to worry about your mother.”
“We could go to Bernie’s—”
“My place,” Raj says, and his hand squeezes Howard’s side insistently – a few inches higher and it could be squeezing his heart – and then falls away. “Friday night.”
“Um.” Howard isn’t sure what to say to this swift acquiescence, so falls back on humor. “What’s the dress code?”
“Goth,” Raj says. “But don’t wear those stupid tattoo sleeves again.”
“Are you serious?”
“Dude. You’re the one who just asked me to make out with you in front of your girlfriend.” Raj is, fortunately, speaking in a low tone, so that the entire cafeteria is not treated to this revelation. “But she’s going to be expecting two guys making out – so I’ll wear my Catwoman costume or something and really mess with her. It’ll be funny.”
Howard thinks about this for a moment, about how Bernadette basically dared him into this in the first place, and nods, grinning. “Good point.” Although he’s not sure if Catwoman counts as Goth, beyond being black. Not that he’s ever been very good at subculture identity beyond the geeky. Also, he’s imagining Bernadette in fishnets.
“Friday night,” Raj says again.
“What’s happening on Friday night?” Sheldon asks, sitting down opposite them with his tray.
Howard draws a deep breath and begins to explain to Sheldon that he’ll have to find someone else for Vintage Video Games Night.
Howard thinks he’s done pretty well with his outfit. He’s gelled the hell out of his hair (or into it), forming it into spikes his mother shrieks at him for. He feels weird not wearing a turtleneck or at least a dickey, but Bernadette insisted. His shirt is plain black, only small silver buttons giving it even a hint of color. Initially he’d thought the buttons looked stupid, but now he’s got his pants on with their miscellaneous extra zips he can kind of see how the embellishments work. He hurries out of the house before his mother can see his eyeliner.
The fake tattoo sleeves are no great loss, especially not when Bernadette gasps at the sight of him and then kisses him so hard he’s not sure they’ll get to Raj’s on time. Not to mention that she is wearing fishnet stockings, red ones that cling to her legs where they aren’t covered by knee-high soft black leather boots. Her dress appears to be mostly black but when she twirls a little, showing off, he can see that the skirt of it is a sheer black layer over a red layer. The really amazing part is her hair; she’s put black and red streaks through the blonde, which makes the rest of the blonde appear almost white. Not to mention her makeup, which is dark and wicked, especially her deep red lipstick that would definitely give Mrs Wolowitz a heart attack if she saw it because it’s practically giving Howard one now.
He doesn’t have long to admire her outfit before she’s chivvying him onto the Vespa. It’s not a long ride to Raj’s place, but he still spends the whole time wondering to himself why she is so adamant about this. Then again, he’s spent long enough online to know how opinionated slash fangirls can get about these things. It makes him smile; his girlfriend is also his fangirl.
Their fangirl. Raj is part of this as well. It vaguely bothers Howard that this doesn’t worry him as much as he thinks it should.
Outside Raj’s place Bernadette takes her time fussing with her hair, combing it out with her fingers. Howard checks his eyeliner isn’t smudged and obediently closes his eyes when Bernadette gets out her mascara wand.
“You don’t think this whole Goth thing is weird?” he asks, feeling Bernadette’s breath on his face as she works on his eyelashes.
“Sweetie, we’re here for you to try making out with Raj. The Goth thing doesn’t even register on that radar.” Her purse snaps closed and Howard opens his eyes.
“Last chance to play video games instead,” he says, kissing her softly.
“We can’t. Sheldon already invited Amy and Penny.”
“Oh. Right. Man-kissing it is, then.”
Raj’s apartment door is closed even though they buzzed up. Howard knocks and Raj calls out, “It’s open!” There’s the distinct smell of something burning, but he doesn’t sound concerned. Howard pushes the door open and then stops, open-mouthed. Bernadette squeezes past him (not difficult) and seems to take in the scene in front of her entirely in her stride, although how she can, Howard doesn’t know.
Raj is leaning over the coffee table, doing something complicated with sugar cubes and alcohol, setting the former on fire with the latter as fuel. It looks like some eighth grade chemistry experiment and smells oddly decadent. The matches Raj is working with and the flickering flames of several candles scattered around the apartment are the only light, but nonetheless Howard can see perfectly clearly when Raj gets up to greet them.
To be specific, he can see what Raj is wearing, and it sure as hell isn’t his Catwoman costume.
His top half is clad in a dark wine-red corset with a black lace overlay. It’s clearly been made specifically to suit him, hugging his torso instead of sticking out oddly where he doesn’t have curves for it to conform to. Below that he’s wearing a black skirt that clings to his hips and then flares out just above his knees and falls to his ankles. His feet are bare but his nails are painted red to match the corset. He’s wearing eyeliner too; the way he’s done it makes his eyes look kind of feline and darker than usual.
“Howard! Bernadette!” he greets them, kissing Bernadette on the cheek. “Good to see you!” His lips press against Howard’s cheek for a second and Howard can smell the alcohol on his breath. Up close (and not on fire) he can identify it: absinthe.
“Hey, Raj,” Bernadette says as though none of this is a surprise to her. A second later, Howard realizes that it isn’t. The two of them have planned this to some extent.
He doesn’t let on that he knows, though. Just says, “Hi, dude,” to his best friend, carefully ignoring how pretty Raj looks in the candlelight. “What’re you doing, building a more flammable mousetrap?”
Worst line ever.
“Bartending in the dark,” Raj says, and Bernadette giggles. “Come and join me.” He sits back down at the end of the couch and Bernadette slides in beside him.
“Do I have to put that in my mouth while it’s still on fire?” Howard asks, settling in beside Bernadette.
“You don’t have to put anything in your mouth if you don’t want to,” Bernadette says, lifting one of the shots that Raj has already prepared. Her eyes sparkle wickedly as she toasts them both with it, her hair falling back in a multicolored waterfall as she throws her head back and downs the shot. Howard watches her throat work as she swallows and suddenly wants her desperately.
Raj hands a shot glass to him. Howard takes it and sniffs it; the sharp smell of the absinthe is cut with the sweetness of the sugar. He decides what the hell and knocks it back. It goes straight to his spiky-haired head, making it spin.
“Tastes weird,” he says.
“I found the recipe on the internet,” Raj says, as though that’s a response.
Fifteen minutes later they’re each two shots down and Raj is shakily preparing a third round.
“Don’t burn yourself, sweetie,” Bernadette warns him.
Howard wants to protest against her affectionate terminology, but his tongue feels thick in his mouth. Raj shakes the match out and turns to Bernadette, who puts her hand on his chest, rubbing the lace between her thumb and forefinger.
“You look really pretty tonight. Doesn’t he, Howard?”
Howard manages a sound that might be assent. Bernadette lets out an aggrieved sigh and slips her hand around the back of Raj’s neck, pulling him into a kiss.
The whole world stops.
Raj gasps and Bernadette’s other hand goes up to cup his cheek. It sounds like she probably did that thing with her tongue where she seeks out the most sensitive spots in his mouth and then teases them to make him squirm, although admittedly just kissing him at all is probably enough to make Raj gasp. The way she is leaning over him, her hair falls down around his face and Howard can only see the bottom of his corset and the flow of his skirt and for an amazingly long moment Howard thinks it looks as though his girlfriend is making out with another woman.
Which is just living the dream, really.
It’s hot. He can’t deny it. Not even when Raj’s hand comes up to stroke Bernadette’s hair, the fine strands cascading between his dark fingers, and Howard can no longer kid himself that this is anything other than what it is and who it is. He pushes the heel of his palm down against his groin, aroused in spite of his hindbrain screaming that Raj is infringing on his territory... or possibly because of it. Bernadette started it, anyway, so he can’t blame Raj. Now Howard doesn’t know what to think at all, other than that his erection’s not going away no matter how much he tries to convince himself that this is a bad situation.
He’s not convincing himself very well.
The two of them finally break apart and Bernadette turns, mouth half-open to say something. Howard sees how her lipstick has smudged and pulls her roughly into his lap, covering her mouth with his before she can say a word. He can taste absinthe and Raj on her lips and this only drives him to kiss her harder.
Raj’s weight moves closer to them and then Raj takes his hand. Howard has a second to register Raj’s breath across his knuckles before Raj’s tongue runs the length of his index finger. That’s a second before Raj sucks Howard’s finger into his mouth, lips soft around it, tongue teasing the tip.
Howard’s so shocked that he stops kissing Bernadette.
Bernadette pulls back and looks from Howard to Raj. Raj lets Howard’s finger slip from his mouth and gives him a slow smile.
Howard will never quite be able to convince himself that this is all because of the absinthe.
He turns his head to the side and reels Raj in with his left hand, settling his right on Bernadette’s thigh. He doesn’t allow himself to stop to think about it, just angles his head to line his mouth up with Raj’s.
Their last (and first) kiss was a collision of mouths before they’d leapt apart in horror. This time Howard’s far more aware of everything, from how it all actually feels (soft, hot, the absinthe taste already faded by Bernadette’s kiss) to the fact that Bernadette’s watching them (and her hand covers his on her thigh, nails digging in). He can smell some sort of perfume on Raj’s neck and wonders where else he has dabbed it. It smells like leather and wine and secrets.
Raj’s lips are soft and his tongue teases out the sensitive places in Howard’s mouth the same way that Bernadette does. When Howard kisses him back the same way he makes the same soft pleased sound that Bernadette does. His hand cradles Howard’s cheek; Howard’s hand threads through his hair. It’s thicker and heavier than Bernadette’s fine fall of curls.
Bernadette’s hand tightens on Howard’s and pulls it up along her thigh. His fingers bump up over the top of her fishnet stockings onto bare skin, and then she’s pressing his hand in against her panties. Howard draws in a deep breath when he feels how wet she is, and he doesn’t need to be told to push the damp fabric aside and work a finger into her. His mouth slows against Raj’s for a moment and he feels Raj’s lips drag against his as Raj turns his head to see what’s going on.
“Keep going,” Bernadette gasps. Howard’s not sure if she means the kissing or the fingering and so he resumes both and tries hard not to fumble at either. Her hand is pressed hard over his and she’s rocking astride him and Raj’s mouth leaves his altogether to trail down the side of his neck. Between the two of them it’s terribly hard to keep focused on what he’s doing and not just coming in his pants. He slips a second finger inside Bernadette and presses his thumb against her clit and she makes a raw sound of need at the back of her throat.
Then he feels Raj’s hand, solid and sure, settle on his thigh, stroking idly inward. Raj gives him a measured steady look and Howard meets it and then looks at Bernadette, who’s looking down to watch Raj’s fingers circling on Howard’s thigh. She’s still writhing against his fingers; he has seen her needy and wanting but this goes beyond that.
Raj’s mouth finds the side of his neck again, nipping lightly, and Raj’s hand finally goes where Howard wants it, needs it. But it’s Bernadette who comes, with a loud, “Oh God,” and a rough quick motion against his hand. Her head drops to his shoulder; Raj leans over and kisses the back of her neck and an extra aftershock runs through her.
All three of them stop for a moment while Bernadette’s breathing returns to normal. Raj’s hand is still cupping Howard’s arousal but no longer moving; he can live with that for a minute or so. He looks at Raj and sees the hint of a smile on his friend’s face.
“I think you win,” Raj says, and he’s not talking to Howard.
Bernadette giggles, her face still buried against Howard’s shoulder. “I think I do,” she agrees.
Howard looks from one of them to the other. “You set this up,” he says, slowly withdrawing his fingers from Bernadette. “What was the idea? To see who’d come first?”
Bernadette is pink-faced and still laughing when she lifts her head to look at him. “No, to see how long you’d last without backing out.”
Howard isn’t sure whether to laugh or be outraged. “You thought I was going to back out?”
Raj shifts a little and pulls his hand away, looking guilty. “Well, dude, you’re not exactly – I mean—”
“You mean I’m too repressed to experiment?” Howard pulls his hand out from underneath Bernadette’s dress and presses his wet fingertips against Raj’s lips. Raj opens his mouth, maybe to say something, and Howard pushes his fingers in. There’s a second there when he thinks he’s gone too far, but then Raj starts lapping at his fingers, eyes closing, and Howard gives Bernadette a triumphant look. She looks a little bit rattled for the first time. “Seen enough yet?”
She just presses her lips tight together and shakes her head, eyes dancing.
Howard pulls his fingers out of Raj’s mouth; feeling Raj’s tongue curl around them sends a shiver down his spine, and, to be perfectly blunt, his cock. Bernadette gets out of their way, perching on the edge of the coffee table and downing another absinthe shot straight from the bottle, flinching a little at its unsweetened taste. Howard takes a deep breath and pulls Raj to him.
It starts with another kiss. He’s quite sure that Raj deliberately moves his tongue the way that he does just to bring oral sex to mind. He can’t help but make a little pleading noise into Raj’s mouth.
Does it still count as experimenting if he’s the test subject?
Raj eases him down onto the couch, kissing him all the way. His weight on top of Howard is somehow familiar and reassuring and strange all at the same time. When he pulls away, Howard opens his eyes and reaches for him on pure instinct, but Raj is intent on unbuttoning Howard’s shirt. Bernadette watches from the coffee table, tongue occasionally darting out to wet her lips. Raj’s fingers are quick and sure, red-painted nails flicking each button open with ease.
“Raj...”
“Ssssh,” both of them say.
There isn’t a lot of room on the couch, so by the time Raj is done kissing his way down Howard’s chest he’s on his knees beside the couch. Bernadette has drawn her legs up onto the coffee table, completely ignoring the way that her dress rides right up on her thighs.
Howard feels like everything’s gone back into the same slow spin it did after his first shot of absinthe as Raj unzips his pants and drags them down to his knees. He hears Bernadette make an appreciative sound as Raj exhales warm over him. Then it’s Raj’s mouth instead of Raj’s breath and the first time that he does that slow curl with his tongue Howard starts on a string of profanities that would surely offend any deity potentially watching over the three of them.
“Oh God,” Bernadette says, and Howard prises his eyes open long enough to see her slip one hand into her panties, and then she lifts up to yank them off altogether. Then he sees, really sees, Raj’s head bowed over him, and his eyes close again because if he doesn’t he knows he’ll come, just like that, just from seeing the way Raj’s cheeks hollow as he sucks, the way his hair’s falling into his eyes but he’s so focused on what he’s doing that he doesn’t even notice.
“Watch us, Howard,” Bernadette says, and he can hear her fingers working against herself. Raj lets out a low, “Mmmm,” of agreement around Howard’s cock and then curls his tongue again. Howard can’t respond to either of them by speaking; the best he can manage is an upward jerk of his hips. Raj pauses for a second and then takes him even further in; this is the one advantage that Howard’s found to being a little smaller than average.
“Howard, watch,” Bernadette says again, her voice even more strangled.
“Ahhh... can’t...”
Bernadette’s breath is verging on panting. She gets out a, “H... h....” that Howard’s expecting to be his name, inasmuch as he can expect anything with Raj sucking him off like, quite frankly, an expert. He forces his eyes open, wanting to see her come—
--and sees that Raj has two fingers buried in her, working in and out of her even as his mouth works up and down on Howard’s cock.
His mind very briefly tells him he should protest, but then Bernadette comes undone, whimpering Raj’s name, and it’s wrong and it’s right and he falls apart with Raj’s name on his own lips.
Bernadette rejoins them on the couch and the three of them curl up together. It no longer matters who’s got their arm around whom, or who leans over to share a lazy kiss with someone else.
Raj is pressed hard against Howard’s thigh, and Howard reaches down to stroke him, rubbing the soft fabric of the skirt against him and laughing a little at the way Raj’s eyes roll back in his head. “What are we going to do for you?” he asks as Raj whimpers.
“I want him,” Bernadette says unexpectedly. “And then I want you to take him for daring to sully my virtue.” She gives them both a wicked-innocent smile, a sharp-sweet smile, an absinthe smile.
Howard feels Raj’s cock go even harder under his hand at the suggestion, and squeezes him. He can feel that Raj is bigger than him and wonders what Bernadette’s face will look like as she grows used to the size difference. “You like that idea?”
Raj just nods, reduced to temporary mutism again by the situation, even more so as Bernadette begins pushing his skirt slowly up his thighs. Howard watches, fascinated, while his girlfriend straddles his best friend and starts kissing him as ardently as she kisses Howard himself. He can’t deny that he’s turned on by the sight, his cock hardening again.
“We’re going to have to work backward from this to naughty Catholic schoolgirl, aren’t we?” he asks, and Bernadette giggles, teasing Raj by rubbing against the tip of his cock as he moans.
It’s going to be a long night. A long, bizarre, exhausting, satisfying night.