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I sigh quietly to myself as I roll over on my side of Kuroo’s bed, my eyes wide open but stinging with fatigue. It doesn’t matter to me, though. I want to think some things over, think them over when there isn’t anyone to see me. Normally at this hour I’d be playing Animal Crossing, my switch brightness turned down to the lowest intensity so as not to disturb my best friend, but tonight my mind is restless. Restless with what, I don’t know. Just… restless. I can’t decipher half of the words that are running through my mind right now, and I’m not sure if I want to. Kuroo groans lightly in his sleep, melting me out of my thoughts and grounding me more firmly in reality. Slowly I roll back over onto my other side, now facing Kuroo, who’s lying on his back peacefully, his long muscular limbs spread out, but not so much that he’s hogging space. I watch him for a little while like this, flickers of moonlight finding their way in through the small space in the window uncovered by curtains and dancing across his perfect skin, illuminating the details of his body in a truly artistic way. I freeze for a moment, tearing my eyes away. What the hell was I doing just now? I can feel my heart pumping a little harder than it had been before, but I take a deep breath to steady myself and try to clear my head. I sigh again, squeezing my eyes shut and pulling the covers up to envelope my body, shaking off the brief moment as a result of sleep deprivation.
I wake up late this morning, I can feel the afternoon sun pouring into the room and I can almost hear Kuroo’s smirk before I open my eyes to see him staring at me from across the room, leaning against the windowsill and fully dressed. Clearly he’s been up for a while. This is how it always is, I always end up falling asleep late, before Kuroo, and then he wakes up in the morning significantly earlier than I do. And then he teases me for it.
“Mess up your sleep schedule any more, Kenma, and you’ll start looking like the characters in your games,” Kuroo snickers at me, meanwhile typing something on his phone. I roll my eyes as I push myself off of the mattress, running a hand through my tousled hair. I know what he’s referring to, of course, every video game character I’ve come across has been deathly pale and stick thin.
“Shut up,” I say blandly, flipping him off before scooping up my drawstring overnight bag and heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Halfway through the process of brushing my teeth, I vaguely remember something that happened last night that caused me to want to go to bed at a strangely early hour. Well, early for me. I can’t remember what it is, though. I have no recollection of what happened last night, only that I hadn’t been playing any video games and that my mind hadn’t wanted to shut the fuck up. That was probably it, then. I probably just wanted to go to sleep early and ignore the voices babbling in my head. I step outside the bathroom in a new hoodie and pants and freshly combed hair, opening my mouth to ask what we would be doing together today but before I can I’m faced with Kuroo’s iconic laughter. I roll my eyes once again, suppressing the urge to laugh along with him.
“What now?”
“Jeez, Kenma, how many pairs of sweatshirts and sweatpants do you own?” Kuroo asks me, still snickering, “You know this is why you don’t have a girlfriend yet, right?”
“Shut up!” I retort, picking a pillow up from the ground that had been knocked off the bed earlier and hurling it at Kuroo’s stupid, smirking face. “It’s not like you have one either.” I snort, placing my bag on the floor next to the bed once again and sinking down onto the mattress. Kuroo, unfortunately, deflects the pillow I attacked him with easily before laughing again, and now his face takes on a new expression.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Kenny~” He begins, and judging by his tone I expect him to be wearing the smirk I know so well, but when I look up at him I can swear I see a flicker of sadness flutter through his eyes. I scoff, pulling my phone out of my pocket and opening up a game, trying to look uninterested when really I’m intrigued.
“Oh?” My voice comes out in a satisfyingly dry tone, and I busy myself with my game during the time Kuroo hesitates.
“Kiyoko,” he says in an uncharacteristically soft tone, and my head snaps up, causing me to die in game. I narrow my eyes at him, wondering if he’s bluffing. His eyes have taken on a distant attribution, and I wonder what’s going on. I continue to wonder what’s going on when I feel my stomach do a series of uneasy flips when he says the name of Karasuno’s volleyball team manager. I’ll admit she’s pretty… but she’s Kuroo’s girlfriend?
“Well, congratulations, I guess. Since you don’t have brains, you have looks, so they have to be good for something.” I say sarcastically, and I can almost feel Kuroo rolling his eyes at me.
“Anyway, Kenma, let’s go eat. It’s noon and we haven’t had breakfast yet.”
“Nah, I’m good,” I reply lazily, sliding off of the bed once again but this time to lie on my stomach across the floor, tapping away at a particularly difficult level. I can hear Kuroo click his tongue, and knowing what’s coming, I tighten my grip around my phone, but of course it’s not enough. I sigh in annoyance when Kuroo takes it from me with minimal effort, and I glare up at him when he places it on top of a shelf we both know I can’t reach and waggles his eyebrows at me.
“Fuck you,” I say sourly, and Kuroo chuckles, bending down once again and pulling me to my feet by my arms.
“You’re just hangry.”
“Shut up.”
“Nah, I’m good.” Kuroo mimics what I said a few moments ago, and I slap his shoulder gently. He now proceeds to practically push me out of his bedroom door, continuing to steer me until we reach the kitchen and pushes me down into a chair at the table. I glare up at him as he starts moving around the kitchen, taking a leftover dish of meat and egg fried rice from the fridge and doling out hefty servings onto two plates before placing them both into the microwave to be reheated.
“So, you and Kiyoko,” I begin as we wait for the microwave to beep, “When did you get together?” I’m genuinely confused. I’m generally the first to know about anything that happens in Kuroo’s life, whether it’s important or not. And I don’t remember seeing the two of them interacting particularly whenever we’ve met up with Karasuno in the past. But what I do know is that Yamamoto is going to be a mixture of furious and dejected when he finds out, being the big simp that he is. The same goes for Karasuno’s Tanaka. Kuroo takes a moment before answering, and it’s one of those rare times he becomes entirely expressionless. I swallow, about to start wondering if something’s going on but before I can he breaks back into his usual smile.
“Oh, a while ago. I didn’t want to tell anyone because it’s kind of embarrassing, dating someone from an opponent’s school.” He shrugs, and I puff my cheeks out at him.
“I call bullshit. Why didn’t you tell me?” I demand, and Kuroo stares down at me before letting out a chuckle.
“Isn’t it obvious? I don’t like talking about my personal life with people I don’t like.” It’s obviously a joke, a common part of our daily interactions. But for some reason today it stings more than it should, and I don’t reply with a playful insult of my own. Instead I roll my eyes and feign disinterest.
“Whatever, stupid. It’s not like I care anyway.” I can feel my hands itch to be holding some type of device right now, anything. I need something to look at, something to make me look natural so I can hide the fact that I’m squirming inside both from Kuroo and from myself. But there’s nothing. Luckily I don’t have to go undistracted for too long because a few moments later Kuroo sits down in the chair opposite to me and places a steaming plate in front of the both of us. He arches an eyebrow at me, snickering before lifting his chopsticks to his lips and taking a bite.
“Weirdo.”
“Kenmaaaa,” Kuroo whines to me from my side, complaining over having lost yet another match in Super Smash Bros. I give him a sideways glance and a reserved smirk, and I can see him flipping me off in my peripheral. My eyes sliding back to the screen, I cough loudly when my stomach growls, but unfortunately Kuroo is too observant to let that slide. Giving me an insufferable wink, he leans over, plucks the controller from my hands and all but drags me back to the kitchen where my unfinished breakfast plate awaits. I sigh and fold my arms across my chest, leaning against the wall to nonverbally show that I will not be sitting down and eating. Eating is only necessary for survival, and anything else is a waste of time that could be spent on important things like gaming. But Kuroo isn’t having it, that stubborn brat.
“Sit,” he commands, and I groan, giving in and sinking into the chair. “You don’t eat enough protein, Kenma. You’re going to hurt your muscles-- they need to be repaired in the time you’re not playing volleyball.”
“Easy solution: I’ll stop playing volleyball.” I retort triumphantly, earning me a look from Kuroo that causes me to shrink just a little bit in my seat, though I’ll never admit it.
“Stop playing volleyball, just try it, you little shrimp,” he teases, and I glare indignantly at him. I’m not as short as Shoyo or Yaku yet some people still won’t miss the chance to dig at my height. “Some people,” being Kuroo. And Lev. Before I get a chance to respond, though, Kuroo’s dumped another serving of meat onto my plate and stares at me authoritatively. I sigh in defeat, knowing I can’t get out of this one, and there’s no point in trying seeing as it will only waste more time.
“You’re impossible,” I groan at him in between bites, and he smirks down at me in a way that I can’t quite describe.
“You love me, though.” He replies, and he knows he’s right, because he knows everything about me. He knows more about me than I know about myself.
My eyes are a bit heavy in the later afternoon, and I let out a yawn at the end of a game of Mario Kart, once again resulting in victory for me. Kuroo isn’t particularly bad at video games, he’s simply mediocre, and his reactions to losing every time are amusing. He looks at me, hearing my yawn, and I shake my head at the question in his eyes. No, I do not want to take a nap. But Kuroo shakes his head at me in response, and wastes no time in pulling me up by my arms once again and pushing me so I fall onto the bed. I don’t have the energy to protest, so I simply give him a quiet scoff before shutting my eyes and drifting into a light sleep. Light, because I’m still mostly aware of what’s going on in the waking world, at least, the waking world contained in Kuroo’s room. I can vaguely hear voices, though they sound as if they’re a lifetime away from me, like whispers floating to me through the wind by chance.
“Why are you helping me again?” A female voice, one that I recognize, but not so much that I can place it. Besides, dreams threaten to pull me deeper into sleep with every passing second, so it’s hard to focus.
“Because you’re helping me,” Kuroo’s voice, indefinitely. I know every cadence and every tiny little detail there is to be known about his voice. Confusion sifts through my mind and I nearly wake up, but I’m encouraged to sink deeper into the pillows at the following silence.
“But how so? I still don’t really understand.”
“Just family things. You don’t need to know. Thanks for your help, though. I doubt anyone else would have been up to the task.” With this my eyes begin to flutter open, curiosity getting the better of me. Letting out a deep exhale, I push myself up so I’m sitting upright, and I turn to look around the room only to find that it’s empty. Furrowing my brow, I stand up, running a hand through my hair and exiting Kuroo’s bedroom to look around the apartment. I walk quietly, not really on purpose, just because that’s the way I move, and when I reach the kitchen I stop short and backtrack before anyone can see me. I’m pressed up against the wall, holding my breath and trying to be as silent as possible, though I’m almost entirely certain they can hear my heart thumping as I eavesdrop on Kuroo’s conversation with his mother.
“Kuroo, baby. You know we’ve made ourselves clear on this topic. If you wanted to lie, you should have been more careful about it.” I hear Mrs. Kuroo’s voice float to my ears, and I can almost see Kuroo sigh in frustration despite not being able to see the scene at all. The female voice I heard earlier during my nap speaks up, and now I place it. Kiyoko, from Karasuno. Kuroo’s girlfriend, apparently.
“I’m so sorry,” Kiyoko said in her usual polite and collected manner, and I’m assuming she waited for a nod from Kuroo’s mother before showing herself out. I arch an eyebrow to myself. What is this about? Is Kuroo not allowed to date? I continue to hold my breath as I stay as quiet as I can, still listening to the conversation.
“I’m going to ask you this one more time. Why would you lie about this?” Mrs. Kuroo's voice becomes much sharper once Kiyoko leaves, and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I still don’t understand what’s going on, but it doesn’t sound good, at all. “You are not to date anyone who isn’t female. So it’s incredibly suspicious that you’ve been pretending to date a female.” I freeze even more so than I am already, and I feel my heart begin to pick up the pace. Pretend? And why is Kuroo’s mom bringing up things about dating people who aren’t female?
“I’m sorry, mom.” Kuroo’s voice is dejected yet unreadable, a rare time when he becomes monotonous. I swallow nervously. Shit, what the hell is going on? I can hear his mom shift menacingly in her seat, and beads of sweat threaten to roll down from my forehead in secondhand stress.
“Don’t apologize to me, Kuroo. Apologize to the volleyball team, because you won’t be spending any more time with them.” I flinch at this statement, before flinching again, this time more violently when I hear Kuroo slam his hands onto the table.
“What?” Kuroo’s voice is shaking like my breath, but not out of fear, out of pure, undiluted rage. “You can’t do that, mom. You can’t. Please, I’ll--”
“Stop talking with Kenma, then.” Horror finds its way into my face, seeping first through my bones and then through my skin. Stop hanging out with me? Confusion swirls through my body but soon it bubbles into anger, fury, rage. Why is Kuroo’s mom doing this? I don’t understand. Above all I don’t understand why it feels like she’s just taken my supply of oxygen from me.
It’s been a painful few weeks without any interaction from Kuroo outside of volleyball practice. He seems dejected, nowhere near as jovial and energetic as he usually is, not even with people excluding me. As for me, I’ve been playing more video games than I ever have before, even before I had any friends. Without Kuroo, though I hate to admit it, there’s a hole in my chest that I never noticed before. I try not to pay attention to it, though. Unfortunately for Nekoma’s team, now that Kuroo’s treating me like I don’t exist, I’m even more motivated to skip out on practices. I hadn’t realized how much I’ve been taking Kuroo for granted, the way he constantly pays attention to me, invites himself over and drags me to his house. Now regret begins to bubble through my veins as I peek into the gym after school today, seeing the rest of the team already setting up for practice. I see Kuroo leaning against the far wall, arms crossed against his chest and looking down at his phone. He’s typing, so he must be talking to someone, and I realize with a pang just how much I wish that person was me. But it’s not, because my phone stays completely devoid of notifications, something that used to be unthinkable with Kuroo’s spamming habits.
“Kenma!” Lev shouts to me from inside, having spotted me in the doorway. I flinch as he starts running towards me, his long legs allowing him to reach me before I can run away. “You’re not thinking of skipping practice again, are you?” I stare up at him, hesitating. Yeah, I’m planning on skipping, even though I haven’t attended at all this week… and I admit I feel bad about it, but I can’t face this. I especially can’t face this when Kuroo looks up from his phone at me, the smile in his eyes disappearing and being replaced with something darker, something unreadable. I feel my heart skip a beat as I swallow with some difficulty before looking back at Lev.
“I have to go help my mom with something,” I manage to say quietly, making to turn around and head home, but Lev’s long arm catches mine.
“You can help her later. Come on!” With that he enthusiastically pulls me into the gym, slamming the door shut behind me and ignoring my exasperated eye roll. The others look at us with questions in their eyes before they notice me, and grin in welcoming. I sigh, swinging my backpack off of my back and carrying it to the locker room to get changed, seeing that there’s no way out of this. I’m dawdling through the process of getting changed, looking at my phone between each movement, when I hear the door creak open and swing shut. I turn around curiously to see Kuroo standing just inside the door, and surprise flashes briefly through my eyes.
“Hey,” he says quietly when I stand for a few moments not saying a word, and I nod in acknowledgement at him. He sighs, running a hand through his hair before meeting my eyes with an unreadable gaze. I swallow, wondering why he’s approaching me like this after so many weeks of entirely ghosting me. I heard what his mom said a while back, but still… I really don’t understand. And I still don’t understand why every passing moment that I’m not by Kuroo’s side feels as though someone is digging a hole bigger and bigger into my stomach. Am I really that dependent on him? “I just--” Kuroo continues when I still don’t speak, but he cuts himself off. “Never mind. Sorry.” With that he’s gone, and before I can react the door is already swinging shut in my face. I let out a long sigh, not really sure how to feel, just knowing that I feel awful and I don’t entirely know why. Obviously anyone would be upset if contact suddenly stopped with their best friend. But to this degree…? I’m not sure.
I’m not expecting the undiluted surge of serotonin that begins to flow heavily through my veins when I find myself in a dream including Kuroo. He’s the same Kuroo as always, my Kuroo, laughing, teasing, smirking, smiling… Not at all ghosting me, not at all pretending I don’t exist, not at all keeping his conversations with me focused on solely school and volleyball. He’s talking to me, carrying the conversation as he always does, giving me looks that warm me from the inside out. For once I’m not inclined to bury my eyes in a video game, and for once I notice something that I’ve never noticed in real life. I can feel butterflies floating, flapping, dancing around in the pit of my stomach as I watch my best friend. Questions rise in my mind, but this being a dream, they don’t take priority, and instead my attention is snagged by the way I can feel heat spreading upwards through my face, surely coloring me a deep crimson. My heart begins to pound loudly and I shake my head quickly, trying to wake myself up. What the hell is going on? Before my mind has the chance to answer my most recent question, I find myself an inch away from Kuroo’s perfect face, I find that I can feel his hand gently gripping my chin, his thumb brushing ever so slightly against my lower lip. My breath catches in my throat, my eyes becoming as round as volleyballs, and I pull away as quickly as I can, causing me to wake up in my bed. I sit up quickly, hard pounding, and I look around the dark room wondering what could have caused such a dream. I exhale, reaching a hand up to my forehead to find that it’s covered in sweat. Brows furrowed together, my hand falls down to bounce beside me on the mattress and I exhale heavily before forcing myself to lie back down and curl up against my pillows, settling in for a long, long night of thinking. I try to steer my thoughts away from Kuroo, but my mind keeps drifting back to him, forcing images of his smiling face in front of my inner eye, spreading warmth through my body and tingling at my fingertips. I choke over my breath, coughing for a few moments as I finally realize exactly what’s going on.
I’m in love with Kuroo Tetsurou.
Today’s been an especially hard day to deal with, after my realization from last night. Any mention of Kuroo and it takes all I have to restrain myself from turning into a human tomato. Lev notices that I’ve been playing games a lot more than usual today, and he hovers over my shoulder at lunch when I’m trying to busy myself with the Legend of Zelda. Yaku passes by us, arching an exasperated eyebrow at Lev before tugging on his arm.
“Leave Kenma alone, Lev.” Lev straightens up, no longer basically leaning on my shoulder, and turns to look at Lev, rolling his eyes.
“I just want to see how Kenma could possibly think this is more interesting in volleyball. I tried asking Kuroo, but he just laughed and shrugged.” I bite down hard on my tongue when Kuroo’s name escapes his lips, and I hold down the bite, wanting to draw blood so that it bleeds in my mouth instead of rushing to my face. I drill my eyes into the screen, willing myself not to think of anything else, but I can feel the heat creeping up my neck.
“Whatcha doing?” A painfully familiar voice comes from behind me, joining Lev and Yaku and I freeze in my seat, my thumbs becoming limp as my heart begins to race. I take a deep breath, doing my best to contain myself as I turn around to face Kuroo. He’s looking down at me with a smile, a mixture of his usual expression and something apologetic. I swallow, forcing my pupils not to dilate. When I’m silent, Kuroo sighs, mumbling something to dismiss Lev and Yaku before sitting down in the empty seat next to me. I tense up, and hastily switch my gaze back to my game in an attempt to conceal my feelings. “Kenma…” Kuroo’s voice is deep and musical, and I can’t deny the flicker of emotion that travels down my spine when I hear him speaking to me directly for the first time in a month. “Kenma, I’m sorry.” He reaches out to rest a hand on top of mine, being the sentimental guy he is, but I flinch, snatching my hand away because I know how I’ll react if I don’t. I can feel his eyes in the side of my face, and he mumbles an apology before letting his hand drop back to his lap. “I hope you know I didn’t want to stop talking to you. God, it was so painful…” My head snaps up from my game, abandoning the horse I’d been trying to tame.
“So you’re talking to me again?” I demand, and Kuroo nods slowly, a little taken aback by my sudden reaction.
“My mom said it was wrong of her to separate the two of us and wants us to start being friends again.”
“We never stopped being friends,” I mumble, averting my eyes and biting down on my tongue once again. I hear Kuroo chuckle softly above me, and I sneak a quick glance at him.
“So… sleepover at your place tonight?”
“As if you’ve ever needed to ask before,” I say sarcastically, scoffing and giving him a light punch in the shoulder. Kuroo laughs back at me, the sound being enough to stir something in the pit of my stomach. I let out a shaky exhale, concealing it with a cough. I’m glad I didn’t allow Kuroo to keep his hand on mine earlier, because surely he would have noticed the way it’s continuing to heat up, tingling with something.
Oddly enough, Kuroo stays up late with me tonight, probably because he wants to make up for lost time. Still, of all times, he chooses the day after I realize he has my heart. We’re still playing Among Us together, me on my computer, him on his phone, sometime in between 3 and 4 AM. I suppress a yawn, not having once looked up from my screen at Kuroo, though I can feel his eyes on my back every now and then. I sigh when I’m killed for the nth time by one of the imposters, and I flop back onto my mattress and roll my eyes. I can feel Kuroo snickering, and gently I toss a book at his head. It’s so much easier to stay alive in games when you know who you’re up against. A few minutes later, it pops up on the screen that Kuroo has left the game server, and I look up at him questioningly only to find his gaze glued to mine, causing my heart to beat dangerously.
“...Yeah?” I say slowly, cocking my head to one side as I spin around lazily in my desk chair, trying not to look too engaged.
“What’re you thinking about?” Kuroo asks bluntly, and I flinch subtly at the question, attempting to conceal it by pretending to scratch at an itch on my neck. I stop spinning in my chair, grab my phone off of my desk and pin my eyes to the screen, shrugging in response to Kuroo.
“Nothing unusual.” I blurt out before I can stop the words, knowing how strange they might sound. I’m basically admitting that I am thinking about unusual things, because I don’t want Kuroo to know what’s going through my head right now. He arches an eyebrow at me, confirming my anxieties, but after a moment, he shrugs before tugging on my arm and pulling me to the bed.
“Let’s play truth or dare, then. I’m bored.” I swear I can see a twinkle of mischief flash through his eyes, but as soon as I notice it, it’s gone, and I’m not sure if I imagined it or not. I swallow nervously, taking a deep breath as subtly as I can before nodding slowly, and I almost forget to characteristically roll my eyes and groan.
“Fine,” I sigh loudly, flopping onto my back across the mattress. “Truth or dare, Kuroo?”
“...Truth.” I swallow nervously again, a question immediately surfacing in my mind that I do want to know the answer to but I don’t want to start off the game so seriously. Especially after all this time of not being able to talk or hang out. So I decide on a different question, still one that I really want to know the answer to.
“Did you even miss me this whole month? You barely looked at me,” I ask quietly, knowing this isn’t exactly an entertaining question but the other question I have in mind is much less entertaining and I need to know the answer anyway. I feel my face heat up slightly when I sit up to see Kuroo looking straight at me, his face expressionless before he answers.
“Of course I did. Kenma, you’re my best friend. As much as my mom wishes I can, I can’t live without you.” Kuroo pauses, watching my face carefully as I do my best to stay composed. After a moment, he sighs, continuing, “Sorry if that comes on too strong. I can take it back if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“No!” Involuntarily, my hand shoots out to clasp around Kuroo’s, and before I know it he’s holding my hand as well. My heart skips a beat as I pull my hand away, trying not to choke over my tongue. “Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” Kuroo shrugs in response, his eyes still latched onto mine, his face continuing to be unreadable.
“Truth or dare?” He asks after a moment’s silence, and internally I scream at myself to calm down, so it takes me a second to answer. Even once I’ve caught my breath, I hesitate, earning me a look so I hurry myself along.
“Truth,” I mumble, the word tumbling from my lips before I can snatch it back, and anxiously I look at Kuroo as I wait for him to ask me a question.
“What are you thinking about right now?” He asks, his voice smooth and confident as he leans in closer to me, watching my face as I bite my lip and scramble for something to say. I’ve just about decided on saying nothing before I stop myself, shaking my head internally.
“Never mind. I meant to pick dare.” Kuroo arches a teasing eyebrow at me and I fidget, knowing he knows something’s up. I’m generally quite good at hiding my thoughts and emotions, everyone knows me for being composed and mellow pretty much all the time. But it doesn’t help when I can basically see the gears turning in Kuroo’s eyes, being the sly person he is. So I can hear my own heart pounding in anticipation when he tells me to close my eyes. At first, nothing happens, and all I can hear is my own heartbeat filling every inch of the room. But my heart rate is nothing compared to the way it speeds up when I feel Kuroo’s lips against mine, and instantly my face becomes covered by a deep scarlet flush. We stay like this for a while, me being too frozen and scared to kiss back, but having no intention of pushing him away, because it's addictive, so addictive... it's a sweet kiss, yet long, and the feeling it sends through my veins reminds me of what I imagine ambrosia to taste like. When he finally does pull away, he looks down at me, a certain fire in his eyes that I only ever see when we’re playing volleyball.
“Now tell me the truth. Did you like that?” Kuroo’s voice is heavy and deep yet at the same time it’s light, breathy, and it sends shivers down my spine when he speaks. I swallow, willing the blood to leave my face, willing myself to return to my normal composure. A few moments pass before I answer.
“It’s not your turn, stupid.”