Chapter Text
Compositae:
- : Asteraceae or Compositae,
a very large and widespread family of flowering plants (also known as daisies), which symbolize innocence, loyal love, purity, simplicity and beauty unknown by the possessor.- Com•pos•i•tae \kəmˈpäzəˌtē, käm-, -tī\
Latin for “combined.”
Sam was just done preparing setting up the spare room for his brother when he heard the unmistakable screech of the beloved car coming to a halt in the parking lot, its – as Dean would call it – beautiful purr dying as the engine was killed. There was no need to take a look out of the window to confirm who it was because, if the car on itself wasn’t enough of a hint already, it would definitely have been the way gravel scrunched underneath big boots belonging to its driver. Dean had always had this heavy gait and long strides Sam would recognize among a million and he secretly smiled at himself. How it was possible to walk like that but make it seem effortless and graceful at the same time would always be a mystery to Sam. There was just a sense of ease in the way he moved.
Before Sam had the time to ponder this any longer, the doorbell rang and he hurried towards it. When he opened the door, Sam was met with a bright smile that he just now realized he’d missed to see in a while and next came the crushing hug in which he was enveloped just ahead of the greeting he had planned to say.
They parted after a moment and Dean said, “Hey man, long time, no see. Did you miss me?”
Sam closed the door after his brother entered the apartment and chuckled at Dean’s antics. He had already lost his jacket and kicked off his boots by the time Sam turned around and answered, “Missed this?” He pointed at the scattered clothes on the floor with an amused head-shake. “Right. Of course.” Dean caught the false annoyance in his look and smiled cockily, looking about the room he was standing in as if he’d never seen it before. “So, how’ve you been? Anything new happen during the days we didn’t call?”
“Nah, same old. You know me. Life’s boring and uneventful as always.” He didn’t turn back around to face Sam, just walked towards the kitchen and asked, a bit louder this time, “Where’s Jess, by the way?”
Following, Sam said, “She has some stuff to do. After that, she’ll be doing some grocery shopping for Christmas Eve and tonight. She said she wanted to prepare something for your arrival.” He tapped the countertop of the kitchen island as he watched his brother sifting through the fridge, hands landing on the beer Sam had stowed there.
“May I?” Dean didn’t turn around again, just turned his head slightly to talk to Sam above his shoulder. After Sam made an approving sound and Dean fixed himself a beer, he quickly turned around to slide one towards Sam as well, then closed the fridge and stayed like that. Sam was wondering why his brother had the sudden urge to hide himself and it worried him a bit, but he tried to give him some space and opened the beer bottle to take a swig. He usually didn’t drink this early in the day and he thought to remember that Dean didn’t either, anymore. He must have been wrong.
“You don’t have to make dinner for me, Sam. I think Jess has better things to do than fix me some meal.”
“She wants to do it and even knew you wouldn’t like it very much, so she asked me to tell you to shut up and take it because you’re our guest now but you don’t have a say in this one.” He took another sip of his refreshing beer and smiled proudly at her. She got better at handling Dean with time. Somehow, that reminded him of Ellen and Jo, who always knew how to approach his thick-head of a brother. He took yet another swig.
Chuckling, Dean placed down his beer and said, “I gotta admit, Jess is a force. She can really frighten me sometimes, so I won’t start a fight about this, but at least back me up when I want to help. I feel useless otherwise.”
Sam barked out a laugh at that and nodded. “Sure. But you know you’re no–” He forgot all about his sentence when Dean finally took a step towards him and Sam got a close look at his face for the first time, except when they had hugged. But Sam had been too occupied returning the embrace of his brother he hadn’t seen since his birthday in May to notice the fading but still prominent bruising around his left eye and the cut above his eyebrow. It was yellow-brownish and if they’d been further apart from one another, Sam would have probably not seen it, but the cut was still an angry red and it practically screamed at him.
He was in Dean’s personal space within a second, framing his brother’s face with his big hands and turning it slightly so he could see. Dean, of course, flinched back and withdrew from his touch, taking another swig of his beer to hide his guilty expression. “What happened?”
“No need to worry Sammy, it’s nothing.” He shrugged it off as if it were nothing.
“Bull.” Sam took a step forward again. “That doesn’t look like nothing to me.” It truly didn’t, because now, he didn’t just see the bruise, but also how pale Dean was and that he looked tired – in dire need of some rest.
“It’s what, almost two weeks ago? I dunno. Got in a fight is all, Sam. You don’t need to mother hen me.”
Sam liked to disagree with that but clenched his teeth to keep himself from doing so. “You know I don’t believe a word you’re saying, Dean.”
“And you know I don’t care.” He took his bottle and left the room, Sam following him into the living room with a stern face. Before he could start to express his worry, though, Dean turned to face him and let out a sigh. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m extremely happy to be here, I’ve missed you. And I’m grateful that you’re having me here, but I’m really tired – didn’t get much sleep the last, what, 27 hours? You okay if I just take a nap?”
“Yeah, sure.” Clearing his throat once, Sam repeated, “Yeah.” He took both their beers into his hand and gestured to the spare room with his free one. “It’s all set up, towels and stuff are on the dresser. If you wanna freshen up, switch from tub to shower… you know the drill.”
“Great. Thanks.” Nodding, Dean gave him an appreciative, small smile and turned to leave towards his room. Sam went into the kitchen to put his half-finished beer back into the fridge and throw away Dean’s empty one.
It was about two and a half hours later when Dean came out of his room and strayed down the hallway into the bathroom half asleep with a towel clutched in his hand. He hummed contently to himself and Sam looked up from his laptop where it was placed on his legs and smiled faintly. He had missed this. The door closed and not long after that, Sam could make out the sound of running water, so he went back to typing away on the keypad and finishing his essay.
The shower took exactly twenty minutes and when Dean came back out, wearing old sweats and his worn-out Zeppelin shirt, he looked more relaxed and a barely-there smile graced his lips. His hair was dripping and leaving wet spots on his shoulders as he tried to rub it dry with the towel in his hand.
With a grin, Sam teased, “Taking long showers now? Always knew you held secret concerts in there.”
Dean snorted and tossed the towel into his room, closed the space between them, and threw himself onto the couch behind Sam, saying, “I only do that if you’re not listening. My godly voice is far too precious for your ears. But I do like to take some alone time in the shower… if you know what I mean.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Ew, gross, Dean! As your brother, I really don’t wanna hear what you do in my shower.” Dean started laughing and his body’s movement brought the whole couch to jerk with it. Sam’s laptop almost lost balance, but he secured it on his thighs and smacked his brother into his head for it, which just made him laugh harder. Now Sam couldn’t hide his own amusement and turned his body as much as possible without tossing his laptop and looked at Dean. His brother was laying on his stomach, legs stretched out behind him, and had shoved a cushion underneath his head – one arm was underneath, the other one rested half above, so that his hand was resting loosely in front of his face. Its wrist was covered with a black leather band with a small silver ring at the front – Sam had yet to find out its meaning. The position made Dean’s tee ruck up so that his lower back was bared and Sam felt a wave of nausea as he stared at the red, thin lashes littering it. The skin didn’t look broken, but the lines were still visible and it made him want to punch whoever hurt Dean like this.
It wasn’t the first time he saw his brother like that. Back when they still lived together, Sam had caught glimpses of slight bruises or marks on Dean’s body whenever he accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom or his clothes didn’t hide them. Sure, he had his suspicions, but he never really got them confirmed, so he stopped thinking about it too much. Dean never seemed to be seriously hurt, at least it didn’t limit his ability to move properly, though sometimes his posture was stiffer than other times.
“What’re ya doing anyway?” Dean asked, sleepily, and it brought Sam back to reality. He looked up at Dean’s face, which was almost completely buried in the cushion – his eyes closed as if ready to sleep again.
Sam sighed and turned back towards his laptop, the screen had gone black due to no activity on it, and tapped on the keypad. “Writing an essay about a case we discussed during classes.” Dean made a sound of displeasure and angled his leg to make himself more comfortable. With an amused smile, Sam assured, “It’s actually not that bad. The case was very interesting if not complicated. Where there are more thrilling and exciting cases, which are typically the famous ones, it isn’t the worst.”
“Dude, it’s Christmas holidays, stop being a nerd for once.”
“I have to send it in until New Year’s Eve. So I’m finishing it now. I wanna be able to enjoy the holidays.” Dean just hummed, so Sam kept talking. “Besides, I like to finish tasks like these as soon as possible so that I have enough time to still change it should I have more ideas or want to go about it entirely different. And I still have enough time to read it over before sending it in.”
Opening his eyes, Dean complained, “What kind of a monster even gives kids assignments during holidays? That’s just cruel.”
“He’s actually pretty nice. It’s the first time he gave us one that overlaps with holidays.”
“No excuse!” Dean grunted and went silent again after that. Sam used this as his opportunity to finish the last sentence and save the draft – he’d come back to it after Christmas Eve to read it over. After that, he closed his laptop with a soft click and put it onto the coffee table with a content sigh, propping both his arms up on the sofa behind him. One of his hands rested at Dean’s elbow, the other next to his brother’s hip. Sam’s lower back touched Dean’s side, his hipbone poking into his rear. It was suddenly so quiet in the room, that Sam could hear noises of the outside world through the open spare room window, which were accompanied by Dean’s slow and steady breathing.
It made Sam feel at peace somehow. It wasn’t much different from the sunny mornings he would wake up next to Jess and play with her hair – that always made him feel at peace as well. Of course, this had nothing to do with romantic feelings but the fact that they were both family; in a different kind of sense. Jessica was the love of his life and he wanted to share the rest of his life with her, build a family. And Dean was his family, the only one he ever knew. He wanted him in his life as his brother just as much as he wanted Jess in his life as his partner. In a way, Sam saw him as his brother, best friend, and father-figure at once.
Sam remembered a time where he had had to be more than just a brother to Dean and he suddenly felt a rush of emotions as these pictures came flooding back. He swallowed them down as they threatened to close his throat and blinked a few times to get rid of the moisture in his eyes. I will not go there.
To assure himself that everything was just fine, Sam turned to look at Dean’s resting frame and face, where his eyes were closed, and let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His brother looked in shape. He wasn’t too thin, which was good, and his cheeks weren’t hollow and sunken. Even if he was a bit pale, it wasn’t ashen and lifeless. Dean seemed healthy and as long as his ribs didn’t show, Sam didn’t have a reason to be worried. Sure, Dean wasn’t burly, neither was he skinny. He had gained some weight again, which Sam thought was great, and he was back to being broad and muscled just enough to look sturdy and fit. It’s the healthiest he’s ever seen him.
At least physically.
The two of them remained like that until they heard keys rustling behind the door, followed by a “hello?” from Jessica. Sam left his spot and crossed the room to give her a hug and a greeting kiss. “Hey.”
She returned his smile with a bright one herself. “Hi.” When Sam saw the grocery bags in her hands, he took them from her and walked into the kitchen.
A loud groan caught Jessica’s attention then and she hung her coat over the rack next to the door before turning around and watching as Dean got into an upright position on the couch. His back was facing her as he stretched his arms out above his head with a slight pop. When he finally stood and turned around, he had a big smile plastered on his lips and his eyes were still drooping with what was left of sleep weighing them down. She tried to ignore his black eye and the gash above his eyebrow and instead returned his smile. “Dean.”
Extending his arms, Dean greeted, “Hey!” They hugged shortly, then parted again. “So, keeping my brother sane after all this time still? I gotta say, you’re awesome. Thanks for that… and having me here.”
“I think we keep each other sane. And, of course. Though, I’m not an official tenant until next year. I’ll move in with Sam in two weeks. So you’ll have to thank your brother.”
“Already did.” He went back to the sofa and sat down, Jessica followed. “How d’you manage to live with him anyway? I mean, there’s this rabbit food all the time and the bathroom is stuffed with all those fancy hair-products…” Dean rolled his eyes at her and Jessica laughed. He could pretend all he wanted, but she knew how much Dean loved his brother.
As if on cue, Sam joined them in the living room and brushed his hair back in a deprecating gesture, saying, “My hair is sacred.”
Dean snorted and Jessica laughed. “True, he has more beauty products than I do.”
“It never bothered you before!” Sam complained.
“I didn’t say it bothered me. It’s just hilarious.”
Raising an eyebrow accusingly, Sam said, “Don’t believe a word he’s saying. You know, he’s chaotic and you’ll find old pairs of socks everywhere at his place.” Dean snickered, which caught Sam’s attention, who pointed a finger at him and continued, “You gotta laugh. You have a whole drawer dedicated to auto care products and talk to Baby as if she were a living thing!”
Dean’s expression turned into one of betrayal and shock and he covered his mouth with his hand, shaking his head in disbelief. “She’s delicate Sam!”
Jessica merely shook her head at the brothers and laughed in amusement. Somehow, she had missed this. Those two were just one of a kind and while they were both a case of childish grownups and extreme teases, they loved and cared for each other very deeply and it always filled Jessica with joy at being able to observe them in their natural habit.
After Sam placed down next to Jess on the sofa, Dean leaned forward and asked, “Just so I know, when’s this party of yours again?”
“It’s our firm’s Christmas party, and it’s tomorrow. 8 pm,” Sam answered after a beat before asking, “You did bring a suit, didn’t you?”
Dean scoffed, “Well, yeah. Dunno if it’s still fitting, but I did bring one. Last time I wore it, what, was at your first year here?”
“If not, we’ll just buy you a new one. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy,” Jessica assured with a smile.
“‘Kay.”
They spent the rest of the time talking and started preparing dinner after a while. Dean was happy to be able to help and it turned out to be a delicious casserole. Afterward, he insisted that he clean the dishes and Jessica helped him dry them off while Sam searched some streaming platforms for a good movie. He ended up choosing a thriller that they watched while sharing a bowl of popcorn and Dean felt more at home here than he ever had at his place in Lawrence. It felt domestic and somehow, he had missed this. Dean barely spent any time at his place and when he did, the silence threatened to deafen him. Sometimes it felt so oppressive, that he had to leave.
Dean would go out for a drink most of the night and if he was lucky, he would go home with someone else. Two to three times a week, he would spend at Smite’s, a club where he met up with Michael. And when he wasn’t at work, out drinking, or with Michael, it got lonely pretty fast.
He hated it. He hated having so much time with himself because then Dean would be alone with his thoughts and they would have the chance to eat at him as they always did. He would have enough time to listen to the voice say that this was what he deserved, that he was a terrible person, and that he was doomed to be alone because no one would ever stand to be around him longer than absolutely necessary.
Dean felt bad that he spent the holidays with Sam and Jess, somehow he was convinced that his presence was more of a burden than anything else. He didn’t want to kill the jovial mood. But because he was a little selfish, he tried not to think about it too much and enjoyed the company.
When he went to bed after they called it a night, Dean felt better than he had in a long time and he was out surprisingly fast.
The next day, they ended up having to go shopping for a suit that fitted Dean because, of course, he had grown out of it years ago. Eventually, the older Winchester had opted for a suit with a white button-up shirt, black suit pants, a nice-fitting black waistcoat, and a dark green, Sacramento-colored, tie – which he was wearing now.
He was doing the buttons on his shirt cuffs when Jessica walked into the room and closed the door behind her. Dean’s hands caught her attention and her eyes were suddenly fixed on the wristband he was wearing. It was not the first time she noticed it and when she had gotten a better look at it last night, Jessica realized what it meant and had this sudden urge to talk about the state of his face with him.
Clearing her throat, she took a step closer and met his eyes as he lifted his head a bit. “Wow, you clean up nicely… Ready?”
She was met with a shy smile. “Yeah. I think.” He let go of his cuff and straightened. Gesturing at his frame, Dean complained, “I feel ridiculous in that.”
“You look handsome. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d go home with someone else tonight.” Jessica cocked her head just slightly as she inspected Dean’s hair. It looked like it always did.
“What?” Dean’s cheeks heated up under the attention and it was surprisingly adorable.
Crossing the space between them, Jessica explained, “Your hair.” She ran her hands through the spiky dark, sandy blonde strands.
“What’s wrong with it?”
“May I try something?” She brushed a strand of her curly hair back and looked at Dean expectantly, who just shrugged. “Wait here.” With a smile, Jessica hurried to the bathroom and grabbed her teasing comb, Sam’s pomade and then went into the kitchen to get a bowl with warm water. After that, she returned to the spare room and set down the items.
Dean looked at her questioningly, then at the items and back at her. “What’s with all that?”
“Ever had a side part?” Her answer was a head-shake. “Well, you’re getting one now. I think this’ll look great on you.” She started with dampening his hair a bit, using the water in the bowl, and then massaged some of the pomade into it. Next, she combed his hair neatly forward on the left side until clear lines were revealing his scalp. Dean was completely still as she started creating a slightly diagonal line, beginning just under the cowlick at the back of his head. She listened to his even breaths and concentrated on separating his hair along one line with the end of her comb to form the parting. When she was done with that, Jessica used the comb to brush his sides until she was satisfied with the outcome.
One last check before Jessica clapped her hands together, said, “Done!” and grabbed Dean’s shoulders to turn him around, so that he was facing the mirror of the wardrobe. “So… what do you think?”
Dean smiled shyly and turned his head slightly to be able to take a better look. “I look decent for once, thanks.”
“No problem.” She smacked her lips and took a look at herself. Then Jessica turned toward Dean and asked, “As long as Sam’s still busy styling his hair,” she barely held back a grin, “why don’t we have a talk?”
Dean’s expression changed into a suspicious one. “About what?”
Taking his hand in her own, Jessica led him to the bed and placed down on it. “Come on, sit down.”
“If you’re gonna ask for my brother’s hand, I gotta tell ya I’m a bit disappointed that you have to ask the big question and not he, but you still got my blessing.” He sat down next to her and Jessica bit her lip to stop herself from laughing, though it was good to know that Dean would be happy with her being his sister-in-law.
“No. No, it’s not about that, but thank you.” Carefully, she grasped his right hand and lifted it, staring at the wristband. “I know what this means.” It wasn’t at all meant to be accusatory but Dean lowered his head anyway. “Hey, it’s nothing bad, okay. I don’t judge you. It’s just that… Sam’s always been worried about certain bruises or wounds on you and now I can’t help but think it has something to do with this.” She pointed at the band once more. Dean didn’t speak, so she tried to encourage him to say something to her. “Dean, being a Submissive doesn’t make you any less of a man, you know that, don’t you? I actually think it’s great.” At that, Dean’s head shot up and he gazed at her surprised. Then he just looked questioningly at her. “It’s true. With that band around your wrist, you’re showing everyone who you are; you bare yourself to them and allow yourself to be vulnerable and that shows me your strength. You don’t even try to hide who you are.”
Even though a blush crept upon his cheeks, Dean met her eyes and said, “I don’t know…”
She took both his hands into hers now and smiled at him. “You don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed. We accept you for who you are and I know that, if you’re gonna tell Sam, he’ll think so as well. Just, as your family, we’re worried about you. And I know how fast you can go down the wrong road if you aren’t careful enough in that society, especially if you choose the wrong Dom as a submissive.”
“He’s not that bad, actually,” Dean revealed in a quiet voice. “We’re even meeting at a club during the week so I’m in a safe environment and every private room has its own security. Mine is actually a good friend, so he knows when he should interfere...”
Jessica waited for him to continue, but nothing came, so she carefully prompted, “But?”
“I dunno, he likes to get a bit harsher than I agreed to. It’s nothing bad, really. He told me he was into impact play and I told him as long as it was still pleasurable for me, it was okay. But sometimes he crosses a line and leaves bruises and I hate that. Not because I’m against marking, I just don’t want them in the face and I’m not particularly happy about the fact that they are his marks.” Dean averted his eyes as if ashamed at that and Jessica felt bad about that. She tried to soothe him by caressing his hand.
“I’m sorry about that, Dean. You deserve better than him. Have you ever tried looking for another partner?”
“Yeah, but they’re not exactly easy to come across. I mean, good ones don’t lay around on the street.”
Jessica nodded in understanding and said, “I would feel a lot better if I knew you would stop seeing him when you get back home, but you won’t, will you?” Dean didn’t answer, which told her everything she needed to know. “Promise me you’ll be more careful?”
“I’ll try.” She smiled because that was actually more than she had hoped for. “How do you know about this stuff, anyway?”
“Well, a few years ago, I was totally into that.”
Dean frowned and locked their gazes. “As…?”
“Oh! Not a sub. No. I was a Domme.” Now, his eyes widened almost comically and Jessica smirked.
“Please don’t tell me–”
“No, your brother isn’t into that. And it’s okay. It was more of a phase in my life, you know, I was curious and experimental, so… It was fun and I gained lots of experience and strength from it, although there were some things that stuck with me. I saw a lot of dark things where bad etiquette was going on and it showed me that BDSM was more dangerous than most people liked to think. But there were also couples and partners who’re beautiful together and trust each other. That was what amazed me about it in the first place. This trust between them, it’s amazing.” In the background, Jessica could hear Sam going about his routine and she knew they’d leave in a few minutes, so she said, “What you do is wonderful, Dean. And all I wish for you is to find that; someone you can trust with your life.”
He smiled faintly and nodded. “Thank you.”
“Come on, let’s get out and have some fun.” When she stood, Dean followed and she wrapped her arm around his shoulder to guide him towards the door. “What you need now is a distraction. And what better opportunity than to seek one at a party? You’ll find yourself a nice lady, or gentleman, and enjoy yourself!” Jessica slapped him on the shoulder playfully and grinned at him with an excited expression.
Before they left the room, Dean turned to her with honest eyes. “Thanks, again, Jess. And, by the way, you look beautiful tonight.”
That made her smile brightly and she winked at him teasingly, replying, “Thank you, handsome.”
Sam was just taking on his suit jacket when they finally came out of the spare room and it reminded Dean that he still had to take on his own. By the time Dean returned from his room with the jacket on, his brother and Jess were deep into locking their lips. He smiled at them before he turned towards the door. To say he was happy for them was an understatement. Dean valued their happiness more than he did his own and he was glad they had each other.
He let them have their moment for a while before he cleared his throat loudly to get their attention. It worked, if the way they practically jumped two feet apart from one another and stared at him sheepishly was any indication. “Let’s go, then.”
Castiel had been sitting at this spot for about two hours now, unchanging. The only thing that varied was his drink. He hated events like this, but as an employee, it was his duty to come. It was only a Christmas party, anyway, and he didn’t even have to talk to people. They left him be and he was content with that, although he wouldn’t have minded the company of the young man leaning against the bar across the room.
He had been watching him since he spotted the man an hour ago. And Castiel tried to avert his eyes, but something about the blonde kept pulling Castiel towards him and he just couldn’t resist raking his eyes over his lean body. It wasn’t Castiel’s fault – he wasn’t the one putting his frame on display like that after all. His suit hugged him in all the right places, especially his rear. The man had been flirting with an attractive redhead and every time he smiled or laughed at something she had said, his eyes would twinkle beautifully and his teeth were white, his smile blinding.
Taking another sip of his too-sweet drink, Castiel wished he would be in the place of the redhead to take a better look at his face so that he could make out the color of his eyes – in the dim light of the hall, everyone’s eyes seemed dark. Castiel decided that, as long as he wasn’t able to do exactly this, he would just continue to stare at his face instead.
He was fascinated by the way the light danced across his features and created different shadows. It accentuated the man’s jawline and suddenly, Castiel found himself drawn to his mouth, especially when the tip of his tongue poked out to dance across those pillowy lips. He had a wonderful mouth and Castiel started fantasizing about how his plump lips would feel like against his own, how his lower lip would feel like between Castiel’s teeth, and how they would feel against his tongue. For some reason, he imagined they would be velvety and he craved to prove himself right.
His drink was empty now and Castiel smiled to himself as he finally got the opportunity he had been waiting for; to walk towards the man. And to his utter surprise, the woman left right before he reached the bar and so Castiel used this to his advantage and took her spot. Before he sat down, though, Castiel first ordered his new drink while he felt the man’s eyes on him. Then he sank down onto the stool and turned to face him.
For a second, Castiel thought he would fall from the stool because – good Lord – he was even more stunning up close. Vibrant spring green eyes met his own and all he could do was stare. The man was by far the most beautiful one Castiel had ever laid his eyes upon and he gravitated towards him, into his personal space, without even noticing. It was astounding and Castiel hadn’t ever felt this pull in his chest towards another person before.
Castiel blinked a few times to get a clear vision again – thinking he must have had a few drinks too much already – and took in the sight before him. A dust of gold-brown freckles littered his nose and cheeks, making him look almost boyish, but the barely visible crow’s feet in the corners of his eyes told Castiel another story. His face was slightly flushed from the alcohol he had had tonight.
After a while, he noticed that he had been more than just openly staring and realized that his lips were parted, so Castiel closed his mouth and collected himself before he could do something embarrassing like start to drool. He righted his bow-tie and cleared his throat, then smiled friendly and said, “Hello, my name is Castiel.”
The man turned further around so that he was almost completely in Castiel’s personal space, the heat radiating off of his body pulling Cas in even more, and introduced himself with, “Dean.” Then Dean extended his hand and Castiel took it, right before he noticed the wristband around it. He had never believed in fate but he felt lucky anyhow. Dean was not just the most attractive man Castiel had ever seen, he was the most beautiful Submissive that ever stood in front of him.
In addition, there was the fact that, when Castiel put his hand into Dean’s and their skin met, it sent pleasant chills down his spine like refreshing electroshocks. It was amazing and got overwhelming way too fast, which was why Castiel grabbed his drink and downed it in one go as soon as Dean – unfortunately – let go of his hand. He missed his touch immediately and his hand felt too cold.
What is wrong with me?
When Dean smiled at him again, Castiel felt dizzy and this time, it had nothing to do with him being slightly drunk. He wasn’t even truly drunk yet, just a bit buzzed.
“So, you work here?”
A shiver ran down Castiel’s spine at Dean’s deep and gravelly voice but he managed to nod. “Yes, I do. I’m an accountant here.”
“Sorry, what?”
Dean leaned in closer so that his lips were suddenly very close and Castiel forgot what was going on for a moment until he remembered that he had to repeat his sentence and that Dean was only this close to him to be able to understand him. “I said, yes, I work as an accountant here.” He loosened his bow-tie as much as possible, suddenly feeling hot.
“Accountant? Isn’t that kinda boring?”
Meeting Dean’s eyes after he had been staring too long at the blonde’s lips, which were dangerously close to his own, Castiel smiled and answered, “Actually, it’s not. While it’s not the most adventurous profession, it’s literally calculable and I like this sense of continuity. I know what I’m getting into and I have full control over numbers and such things.”
“So, you need routine?” He smiled again.
“I think it’s less about routine than things I can control.” Castiel didn’t know why he was telling a stranger about this, but he had the feeling that Dean wouldn’t judge.
“Control-freak, then? Wouldn’t have guessed. Why didn’t you choose to become a teacher or bus driver? I mean, you have control over everything in these jobs.”
Frowning, Castiel said, “That is true. But you have to know that I prefer to be on my own. I’m not good with people and it gets awkward pretty fast, so this was just what suited me best.”
Dean nodded, his face still very close to Castiel’s. “That’s an argument.” He took a sip of his amber-colored drink and placed it back down, meeting Castiel’s gaze once more. He just then noticed how long Dean’s lashes were.
“What about you? I’ve never seen you here before and I’m sure I’d remember a stunning face like yours.” The words came flooding out with the rest of the sentence entirely without his permission and Castiel was internally slapping himself for letting it slip.
But Dean just grinned cockily at him and raised an eyebrow. “Stunning?” Castiel hoped Dean wouldn’t see the blush creeping upon his cheeks, he felt stupid. Chuckling, he said, “I don’t work here. I’m just attending my brother and his girlfriend, Jess… just staying over for the holidays.”
“That’s a shame.” It really was, and without any reason, Castiel could feel his heart sink in his chest. Seriously, what is in those drinks they sell here? “If you’re not from here, where do you come from?”
Now Dean’s cheeks flushed some more and he averted his eyes. It took a moment, but when he looked up again, his expression was a bit apologetic when he said, “Look, you’re a nice guy and it’s fun talking to you, but you’re practically a stranger and I don’t wanna give away where I live. I’m sorry.”
Of course, Castiel understood that and he nodded to show as much to Dean. He smiled politely and assured, “That’s fine. I apologize for asking. Sometimes I don’t know what’s appropriate in these situations.”
Before Castiel could die in shame, Dean’s smile was back and he put his hand on his thigh, squeezing once. This rather intimate touch sent a wave of pleasure through his body, pooling right in the pit of his stomach. God, his hand is warm. It felt like it was burning through the fabric of his trousers. “Really, it’s okay. I’ll tell you what, it’s about a two days’ drive and one night in a cheap motel away from here.”
Only once Dean withdrew his hand, Castiel could think straight again and he relaxed a fraction now that he knew that Dean would like to tell him where he lived. It was just how any human with rational thought would act like, of course.
Smiling, Castiel asked, “Am I allowed to know what you do? As work, I mean.”
Dean chuckled once again and his shoulders shook, it was a wonderful sight. “Sure! I’m a mechanic.”
That somehow surprised Castiel and he had to know, “How come you decided to choose that as your profession?”
“I’ve always been good with fixing stuff. And I’ve always had a weak-spot for cars, so I thought, why not combine those and work at an auto repair shop.”
“That sounds nice.” His smile grew bigger while his focus was yet again on the wristband Dean was wearing. His thoughts strayed into dangerous territory as he tried and succeeded to imagine the blonde bared before him, on his knees, his head bowed and eyes cast down. In his head, that was a beautiful image and Castiel wanted it to become reality.
He was ripped out of his reverie when Dean suddenly asked, “You wanna dance?”
Castiel threw a nervous look at the dance floor. There were a few couples and colleagues slow-dancing, hugging each other close and grinning widely. And while he’d have loved to hold Dean in his arms like that, he was hyper-aware of the fact that dancing wasn’t his strong suit. So he turned back to Dean and said, “I’m not sure. I can’t really dance and am rather bad at it.”
“Come on, I can show you.” Dean stood and extended his hand once more.
How would Castiel ever have been able to deny this man anything? So, he lay his hand into Dean’s and followed him towards the dance floor, and because he didn’t really know what to do, he allowed someone else to take control for once. Castiel let Dean guide his hands, which ended up entwined with Dean’s right one and resting at his lower back, just above the curve of his ass. “Let me lead,” Dean whispered, his lips almost touching the shell of Castiel’s ear and making him shiver. He had goosebumps as Dean started to move and he stared down at their feet, trying to understand what to do. But then Dean brushed his lips against the skin right behind his ear and suggested, “It’ll be easier when you don’t look at your feet. Just let yourself be guided. Look at me instead.”
Castiel did, and he didn’t even need to search for Dean’s eyes, because they were right there – inches away from his and honest. Open for everyone to read. They gave away so much emotion and Castiel felt a rush of something at the sight of it. His irises were darker now, moss green rather than spring, and Castiel got so lost in them, that he didn’t notice they were dancing at first. Dean was right – it was easier – and he smiled brightly at him. “I’m dancing.”
Dean laughed and threw his head back, “Sure you are.”
“How do you do it?”
Leaning in closer again, Dean whispered, “It’s just part of my charm.” Castiel believed him and if he weren't currently that aware of Dean’s breath ghosting across his skin, he would have been able to find a remark to that. But all he could think of now were Dean’s lips again and they were so close. He just had to lean in and would finally be able to prove himself right. His heart was beating so fast, it threatened to break through his rip-cage, and his pulse quickened.
When Dean pressed his body closer against Castiel’s, he flicked his gaze up to Dean’s and caught him staring at his mouth as well, and that was all Castiel needed to close the space between them and slot their lips together. The blonde started moving them in an instant and Castiel was quick to gain the upper hand over the kiss. He began slow, brushing his lower lip against Dean’s, taking in the feel of the pink flesh. They were indeed velvety and wonderfully soft. There was no heat behind it for now, and when they broke apart to take in some fresh air, they stared at each other with half-lidded eyes. Castiel tried to savor all of Dean’s beautiful freckles, memorize them for later. When Dean closed his eyes briefly, his cheeks were covered with long lashes and it was mesmerizing.
This man was absurdly handsome.
Then Castiel dove back in and captured Dean’s mouth with his lips, kissing him again. But this time, it wasn’t as innocent as the first one, it was at once hot and fierce, passionate and demanding, and Castiel barely suppressed a moan as his knees got weak. His right hand, the one that hadn’t been entwined with Dean’s, slid up to the blonde’s face to cup his side, thumb stroking over the high of his cheekbone, and Dean leaned into the touch as he slightly parted his lips to give Castiel permission to slide his tongue inside the hot wetness of his mouth.
They had to part all too soon to be able to breathe again, but after that, they both didn’t want to waste much time and Castiel crushed their lips back together as if trying to flatten Dean’s mouth. The blonde pushed back hungrily, his mouth open and inviting as the bristles of their scruff scratched against each other’s skin and Dean grabbed Castiel’s back to steady himself. He thought they may have stopped dancing by now, though he wasn’t sure.
Castiel merely knew that he wanted to be even closer to Dean and pressed the man against himself even more, and Dean moaned into his mouth. The sound vibrated through him and Castiel let slip a groan of his own. Dean used this to his advantage and pushed his tongue into Castiel’s mouth to seek out his tongue, and when they first met in the middle, the slide of their tongues was delicious and Castiel’s senses were overwhelmed with Dean. His taste, the feel of him, everything. And it was amazing.
He grew more desperate and demanding, chasing the flavor of Dean’s tongue as it battled against his and the wet slide sent waves of pleasure through Castiel’s entire body. His fingertips tingled and his skin felt hot. The kiss was rough but tender in a way he had never experienced before. Dean was an amazing kisser. He was captivating and enticing, like a force you couldn’t resist, and once you got a taste – a glimpse – of it, you’d never be able to let him go again.
With every time they had to part, the kiss got more heated and intense, both trying to savor the taste of the other, exploring the intriguing moisture. And Castiel couldn’t get enough. He was almost devouring Dean, who hummed into their connected mouths as if this was the most satisfying thing he had ever done at a party before. Castiel could feel him wanting to part, but he chased Dean’s mouth as if his life depended on it and bit down on his lower lip slightly. When Dean just moaned almost inaudibly, Castiel bit down a bit more into the tender flesh and the blonde’s eyelids fluttered as he struggled to keep from groaning too loud.
Their chests were heaving and when Castiel got a glimpse of Dean’s eyes, he could see his pupils swallowing the green. Before he let go of Dean’s bottom lip, Castiel nibbled it playfully. It filled him with satisfaction when it snapped back into place and Castiel gazed upon spit-slick and kiss-swollen lips. Dean’s cheeks were a deep shade of red now and they matched his shiny, dark red mouth, bringing his freckles to stand out and making them even more prominent on his skin.
All Castiel could do was take in breath after breath and stare at Dean in awe. Before he knew what he was doing, Castiel asked, “Do you want to get out of here?” Dean merely bit his bottom lip, right where Castiel’s teeth had just been, and nodded eagerly. “Will you need to say goodbye to your brother?” That seemed to have shaken Dean out of whatever thought he got caught up in and he looked at him before nodding once more.
“Yeah, right. I’ll be right back.”
And then he was gone, leaving Castiel behind with the promise to come back and the memory of his lips against Castiel’s. He didn’t know how long he just stood there and waited, but it was obviously long enough to make him think Dean wouldn’t return. That wouldn’t have been the first time he got turned down, but he never cared before. Now, it just felt like Dean had taken something precious from him and disappeared with it, leaving just half of Castiel behind.
Whatever that was about, Castiel found it frightening but also exhilarating because this feeling was entirely new to him. And then his eyes caught Dean, squeezing past the people on his way and crossing the space between them, and he felt like a weight had just been lifted off of his shoulders. He took a steadying breath and extended his hand out towards Dean, who placed it into his own and intertwined their fingers. Castiel’s knees went weak again.
As soon as the two of them entered his apartment, Castiel picked up where they had left off and kissed Dean again. He pressed him against the door and closed it like that, caging Dean in between the wood and his body. The blonde kissed back just as eagerly and Castiel wrapped his hands around the back of Dean’s neck to have something to hold on to. Between heated kisses, Castiel breathed out, “I don’t usually do this.”
Dean took in some much-needed breaths while Castiel leaned his forehead against Dean’s, the tips of their noses rubbing together. He slotted a thigh between the blonde’s legs and elicited a moan from him. “What do you mean?”
Before he answered, Castiel stole a quick kiss, then said, “This.” Another kiss.
“Me neither.”
Castiel frowned and leaned back to look at him. “You don’t do one-night stands?”
“Oh… well, I’ve had countless. But I usually ask out the nice ones for dinner before going home with them.”
And yet another kiss before Castiel had even been able to ask if he was one of the nice ones. Their making-out got more heated again and Dean started creating some friction with Castiel’s thigh until he suddenly stopped and withdrew from Castiel while he tried to chase after his mouth. He leaned out of his space to look at him worriedly and asked, “Are you alright, Dean?”
The blonde had to catch his breath before he was able to meet his gaze and answer, “Yeah, I…” He blinked a few times and averted his eyes, suddenly ashamed now. Castiel straightened and took a step back from him, still breathing heavily. “I’m sorry. I-I can’t.”
Castiel tried to swallow the stab of pain at those words and willed his erection to go away. His priority was to care for Dean at that moment and nothing else mattered, so he assured, “It’s okay, Dean. If you don’t feel it… if you don’t want me like that, I’ll understand.”
At that, Dean’s gaze locked with his again and he hurried to say, “No! It’s not that I don’t want you. God, I want you so bad, more than I ever wanted anyone.” Castiel didn’t understand and he frowned, which Dean must have gotten, because he continued, “I think that’s why. You’re not just some warm body willing to have sex with me. I actually like you and even if this is gonna be the only time we see each other, I don’t want it to be hurried and I wouldn’t want this while we were drunk. Not like that.”
All Castiel could do after hearing that was stare at him with understanding and amazement and what else. He thought he must have looked stupid.
Even if he wished more than anything to take those clothes off of Dean and map-out his freckled skin with his tongue, then delve it back into his mouth while sinking deep inside him, Castiel understood. He felt the same. There was this strong connection between the two, like a bond, although they didn’t know each other longer than an hour.
“I’m sorry.”
It was whispered but the regret with which it was said sent another stab of pain right into Castiel’s chest and he surged forward, grasping Dean’s face with both his hands and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Dean, it’s okay. I understand.” Then Castiel let one of his hands slip down his body until it found Dean’s hand and laced their fingers, bringing them up between them. “I understand.”
Dean smiled weakly and gave a tiny nod.
“Should I walk you back…?” His thumb stroked a line down the side of Dean’s face and back up and he noticed just then that they were standing in the dark.
“No. May I… can I stay?”
“Of course.” Castiel thought about what they could do together that had nothing to do with sex. They could have watched a movie, or eaten something, though Castiel wasn’t particularly hungry and Dean didn’t seem like that either, so he opted for something more intimate and hoped it wouldn’t scare Dean away. “You don’t shy away from my touch. Do you trust me?”
It was a stupid question to ask someone he only knew for about an hour, but he did it anyway. And to his utter surprise, Dean nodded and leaned into the touch of his hand. “Take off your clothes, please.” Even in the darkness of this room, Castiel was able to make out Dean’s confused expression. “Don’t worry, just get ready for bed.”
Dean still had that same face but started to unbutton his suit anyway. Castiel smiled happily and took some steps back into the room. “I’ll leave you to it. If you’re done, join me in the bedroom and bring your clothes. You can put them there.” Then he turned around and went into his room, leaving the door open so Dean would know where to go. It was still fully dark inside except for the light coming from outside the window, so it took Castiel a bit longer to undress himself. After a while, the only clothing remaining were his boxers and he climbed into bed like that, covering his frame with the comforter.
He didn’t know how long he was staring at the ceiling nervously, full of anticipation, until he eventually heard footsteps, but his heart was racing and his breathing quickened and it was worth the wait when Dean finally stepped into the room, slowly and uncertain, and set down his folded suit and shoes at the foot of the bed. There was a short moment when Dean just stood there, staring at the king-sized bed, before he sighed quietly and climbed into it, sliding underneath the comforter.
Dean’s warm, bare feet touched his ankles and Castiel turned to face him slowly, a small and content smile gracing his lips. It felt right having him here in his bed, like it was where he belonged all along. “Am I allowed to touch you?”
A pause, and then, “Yeah.” It was barely a breath but Castiel caught it, so he guided their bodies into the right position until his chest was pressed against Dean’s back and he had both his arms wrapped around the blonde. His hands rested at Dean’s belly underneath the comforter and Dean let out a content sigh before he placed his own above Castiel’s. Their legs were entangled and Castiel pressed his nose into the skin of the back of Dean’s neck, inhaling deeply. He smelled nice and his body was so pleasantly warm against his own, Castiel wished to stay like this forever.
After a while, his breathing was back to normal and his heart stopped hammering against Dean’s back. He soaked in the blonde’s scent, warmth, and feel and just enjoyed laying like this in comfortable silence, his hands rising and falling with Dean’s even breaths.
Castiel whispered the next time he talked as if trying not to destroy the quiet. “I thought, maybe, we could talk.”
Dean turned his head slightly. “Talk about what?” His voice was low and quiet.
“I don’t know…” Pressing his lips against Dean’s skin, he started to play with the band around his wrist. It sent chills down his spine and he heard Dean exhale shakily. “You’re a sexual submissive,” it wasn’t a question as much as a statement.
Another shaky breath, then, “Yeah.”
Suddenly, Castiel remembered that he had seen a cut above Dean’s eyebrow in the dim lights of the party hall and he couldn’t help but connect it to this. “Are you currently scening with someone?” As much as Castiel didn’t want to think about Dean with another Dom, he wanted to know.
“Yeah.”
Closing his eyes, he asked, “May I ask… if you two are only pairing up for scenes, or are you more involved with each other than that?”
Dean hummed, taking a while to answer. “No, just when we have a scene planned.”
Somehow that made Castiel feel lighter. “Are they private?”
“What? The scenes?” He nodded and Dean said, “Yes. I’m, uh, I dunno. I guess I’m just not that into the public stuff. Although it’s nice to look at.”
“You don’t think you’d be nice to look at?”
The blonde laughed shakily. “Hell, I dunno. We’re not doing the extreme stuff, you know. There’s no suspension, nothing like that.”
“It doesn’t always have to be the extreme stuff that’s public. Edging is always nice to observe.”
Dean snorted a laugh. “You trying to encourage me here?”
“Of course, not. I’m simply saying that people would definitely not be opposed to seeing you like that.” Castiel sure wasn’t. He thought that Dean must be a stunning sight all flushed and sweaty, writhing with pleasure.
“I dunno, man. I’d feel weird.”
“It’s okay. I totally understand. Some pairs or couples prefer to keep their most intimate moments for themselves. After all, they share a very delicate and special moment with each other and are vulnerable all throughout it.”
“I guess, yeah.” Dean turned his head again, trying to see him in the dark. “So, you’re a Dom?”
Smiling, Castiel confirmed, “That is true.”
A small chuckle followed and Dean teased, “Control, he?”
He had to laugh himself. “Yes. It makes me feel at ease.”
“So… Are you currently pairing up with someone?” His question was asked tentatively, as if Dean didn’t know if he was allowed to ask it.
“Unfortunately not, though I’d be happy to.” Dean merely hummed and Castiel pressed another kiss to his skin. He didn’t care that this may have been too intimate to do, even inappropriate, with a stranger – most people didn’t press kisses of affection into a stranger’s skin – but Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to care. Collecting his courage, Castiel asked, “I don’t want to impose, I know it’s not my place to ask, but I was wondering if… your face – does it have anything to do with your Dom?”
Castiel held his breath as he waited for Dean to yell at him to mind his own business and rush out of his apartment, but that didn’t come. Instead, Dean just let out a shaky breath and clutched his hands a bit firmer. “Michael… he’s into impact play, he doesn’t use toys anymore, only his fists. Sometimes, he just forgets whatever limits I set up…” Castiel took in a long breath to calm himself and closed his eyes. Hearing that hurt more than Castiel had anticipated and now he had the sudden urge to slam his fist into this Michael’s face just like he did Dean’s. The blonde must have felt Castiel’s remorse, because he caressed his clenched fists and reassured, “It’s not that bad, it could be good, you know. I’d really enjoy a good whipping or being flogged, I guess. He just doesn’t do it for both our sexual gratification, it’s more to satisfy himself. And I hate when he starts punching my face. Sure, being slapped around during sex turns me on, but not when he ignores a limit and gives me a black eye.”
Again, Castiel had to calm himself down in order to keep his voice from trembling. “Please, tell me you safeword out of those situations?”
Dean sighed. “There’s no use, man. Even if I would, he’d just do it the next time.” Castiel didn’t want to believe what he was hearing, he couldn’t. “Besides, we always scene in a private room in a club and my friend, Benny, is a security guy there, like a protector, and each room has its own – he’s responsible for mine and if he sees something he doesn’t like or knows that something I don’t like is happening, he interferes and gives Michael a warning, and if he still doesn’t stop, Benny breaks it off.”
“Dean, as a Sub you have to know your limits and use your safeword when it comes to things like this. You can’t just let him go on and do anything to you. You’re risking your well-being and health by doing so.”
“I don’t want him to stop altogether, I just want him to back off a bit, to take it slower.”
“Then tell him!” It came out louder and harsher than he had wanted – Castiel was at the brink of losing his patience and control over his emotions. It must have intimidated Dean because, suddenly, he went stiff in his arms and didn’t answer. So, he tried again, his voice more patient and calmer now when he said, “I apologize, Dean. It’s just– this is very important. Communication is everything in a scene. Tell him to use the color system with you. Green go, yellow slow down and red stop. And I know I don’t have a say in that, but if he doesn’t change, he could seriously endanger your health, physically and mentally. You should consider looking out for a partner that suits you better.” Castiel felt like overstepping his boundaries, but he needed to make Dean understand. It was one thing to let him go at the end of this night again, but knowing that he would give Dean into incapable hands was another thing entirely.
“Cas… I– thanks, for looking out for me. You don’t even know me and that just shows me that you’re a great guy. But…” His hands grasped Castiel’s. “It’s more complicated than that. I can’t just cut him off.” Castiel had to suppress a disapproving sigh. Of course, you can’t. And as if knowing that Castiel wasn’t satisfied with that answer, Dean added, “I’ll try, ‘kay?”
Taking this as a slight victory, knowing that this was all he was going to get, Cas merely nodded. There was a moment of utter silence before Dean broke it again to say, “You seem like an amazing Dom, like you’d care a lot about your Sub.” Hesitantly, Dean started to trace his fingertips along Castiel’s knuckles and a line up his arm. It tickled pleasantly and he smiled a content smile.
“It is a Dom’s task to take care of their Sub. I, specifically, not only need to have a physical connection to my Sub, but also an emotional one. I need a romantic relationship so I know that he’s mine only. Mine to care for, to bring him pleasure and make him feel good. So it’s my priority to assure his health and well-being, to make him feel safe and loved. Communication, trust, and each other’s consent is what’s most important to me.”
Dean cuddled himself closer against his chest and into Castiel’s arms and hummed. “Hmm… that sounds nice.”
Burying his face into the back of Dean’s neck, Castiel took another deep breath to inhale his delicious scent and relished the sensation of the spiky, soft tips of his hair as they tickled his face. After a while, he murmured, “You could have that.”
He could feel the blonde shrug his shoulders and a pang of sadness went through him at that. Dean deserved that – someone special to care for him. And somehow Castiel wished more than anything that he could be that someone. It filled him with even more sadness.
But Castiel tried to swallow it down and enjoy Dean’s warm body right here, pressed against his own, in his bed. They fell silent after that and Castiel listened to Dean’s breathing evening out until he was asleep. His steady breaths made Castiel follow Dean not long after and for once, he felt content.
Dean woke up with a heavy arm wrapped around his middle and he had the feeling that someone was staring at him. It took him a while to be able to open his eyes, but once they were, he was glad he did. His gaze was locked with Cas’ immediately and for a moment, Dean let himself get lost in the endless blue of his eyes. They were warm and honest and Dean forgot all about his surroundings, his senses closing in on a world of sapphire, filled with countless emotions.
But then Castiel smiled and stroked the side of Dean’s face, Dean’s lids fluttering at the tender caress, and he was suddenly well aware of where he was and how he got there. “What?”
Castiel only stared, unblinking, as his fingertips danced along the edge of his jaw. “You’re a very beautiful man, Dean. Has anyone ever told you that?”
Dean looked at him with disbelief, although his expression turned quizzical and he was sure his cheeks were tinted red. “No, I guess. I dunno… people say lots’a stuff to get in your pants, you know.”
“Well, I’m not saying it to get into your pants. It’s only the undeniable truth.” Cas said it with such conviction, that he almost believed it, too.
But Dean, being his typical self, just shied away from his gaze and lowered his eyes, doubtfully mumbling, “Yeah, sure…”
Suddenly, there were a pair of hands framing his face and making Dean meet his eyes. Castiel had a stern face, his brow raised and head slightly tilted, as he clarified, “Dean, while you’re an unbelievably stunning person, your habit of falling back on belittling yourself, so you won’t get hurt, gets truly frustrating after a while. If I say you’re beautiful, you accept it and try to believe it. You can’t really think so little of yourself that you shut down anything that comes too close to stating the exact opposite…? So I’m just going to say it again. Dean, you’re beautiful and don’t ever think any different about it.”
Now Dean averted his eyes in shame at being called out like this. He felt bared and vulnerable, even though it wasn’t the first time someone complained about his low self-esteem. Maybe it was just the fact that this was Cas – this amazing and nice guy, who started to become Dean’s dream come true and everything Dean had ever wished for in someone he could imagine spending his life with. And now that Dean thought about it, the realization of his feelings towards this stranger was just too frightening and overwhelming. He wanted this; he wanted Cas.
How the hell did he made me feel this way? What even happened?
But Cas couldn't ever want him, could he?
For some reason, Dean didn’t want Castiel to know him like this – to know the ugly parts about him. He wanted to remain beautiful in Cas’ eyes, because goddamn it felt good to hear that. Dean wished for someone at his side that would call him beautiful, whisper words of affection into his skin, make him feel loved and cared for. He wanted Castiel because he was just that helplessly selfish.
But that thought – admitting to himself that he was a greedy, self-absorbed egoist – made his mind come up with a myriad of reasons as to why he didn’t deserve Castiel at all. The raven-haired was caring and loving, he was honest and trustworthy and Dean could never be that selfish to take him all for himself while he was the last person on earth worthy of him. How could he deny people with those qualities a person like Cas?
“Dean?” When Castiel traced the curve of his bottom lip with his thumb, Dean met his eyes and realized that looking at Cas now was almost unbearable. His throat tightened and made breathing a bit difficult and his pulse quickened. What was he even doing here?
“Are you okay?”
Dean realized he must have been staring at nothing in utter silence for too long and he shook himself out of it. Blinking a few times, he sat up straight in the bed – the change of position made Castiel’s hand slip from his face and it hovered in the air for a second, before Cas lay it down onto the sheets. Dean couldn’t look at him as he got out of bed and grabbed his pants to get dressed. If he did, he would have seen the look of regret and slight panic in Castiel’s face.
While he put on his shirt and did the buttons, Dean noticed his eyes were welling up with tears and he didn’t even know why. Because you’re a dumbass, that’s it!
His hands trembled slightly and his heart threatened to break through his thorax, but Dean still managed to tie his shoes and slide his arms into the jacket.
“Dean, if I said something wrong, I am truly sorry. It wasn’t my attention to–”
Fighting back traitorous tears, Dean finally raised his head and met Castiel’s eyes. They were pleading and Dean felt like the greatest jerk in history – like kicking a puppy into its face. He didn’t want Cas to feel that way, Dean wasn’t worth a single thought. Castiel shouldn’t waste his time like that, so he cleared his throat and said, “Cas, you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? It’s me. That’s the whole problem.”
Castiel’s expression changed and now he looked confused. He got into an upright position and crawled towards the edge of the bed so he could climb out of it and stand in front of Dean, who had to keep himself from lowering his eyes to take a peek at Cas’ naked torso. “I don’t understand, Dean.” He reached out his hand towards Dean as if wanting to touch him, but he hesitated and then let his arm fall back into place at his side.
With a sad sigh, Dean closed his eyes and grasped Castiel’s hands in his, taking in their warmth. “Thank you, Cas,” he looked at Cas then, “for this night. It may have not been anything special but it was for me. I’ve never shared this much of myself with anyone except for my brother and it means a lot.” He internally yelled at himself for letting a tear drop. Now he not only was a selfish jerk but a stupid teenager, having no control over his stupid feelings. “You’re amazing, Cas. Don’t ever change.”
And with that, he withdrew his hands from Cas, whose fingers held on to his until the last moment, and headed out of the door, leaving behind the best shot at happiness he had ever gotten. God, he was so stupid.
At least now he didn’t have to hold his tears back.
Castiel was too overwhelmed with everything happening and every word Dean had said lingering in his mind, to go after Dean and try to stop him. His eyes were misty and when he touched his face to rub at them, he felt that his cheeks were wet. So he was crying – standing there, at the foot of his now too empty, too big bed with his head bowed and crying.
He didn’t know what was going on and he couldn’t tell his emotions because they were all over the place. He had never felt anything like this.
It was strange, Castiel couldn’t comprehend how it was even possible to spend a night with a complete stranger and feel such a deep connection to him, that when he gets rejected by said stranger, he feels like he’s lost everything
And Castiel felt like he had lost everything. Being with Dean felt natural even if he only got to feel it for a night. And why was he even that sad? He’d known from the beginning that this would be a one-time thing only – had known what he would get himself into and been eager to want it. Now he wished he hadn’t… though he also didn’t ever want to miss knowing Dean. He had been doomed from the start.
The only thing he knew, was that letting Dean go felt like a big mistake and Castiel cursed himself as he realized that he should’ve followed him, after all.
The time read 9.24 am when the door to their apartment opened and Dean entered the living space. Jessica and Sam were having breakfast on the couch, watching some shitty TV, and they turned their heads to look at Dean as he closed the door and started towards his room.
It took Dean a moment to realize they were in the room with him as well, and when he lifted his gaze to look at them, Sam placed down his bowl of cereal on the coffee table and stood. His brother looked tired and he had dark bags underneath his eyes. If that hadn’t been proof enough to tell them something was wrong, it would have been the way Dean held his posture. His head was bowed as if too heavy and his shoulders slumped.
“Hey, Dean!” Sam tried anyway and shot a worried look towards Jessica, who stood as well.
“Hi.” It was quiet, his voice small and jittery. “You guys up already?” He tried and failed to give them a suspicious grin and Sam walked towards him, placing his hand on Dean’s shoulder to soothe him.
“What happened? Are you okay?” Jessica was able to see how uncomfortable Dean felt at his brother’s worry and she knew there was something seriously wrong when Dean thought himself unworthy of it.
The elder Winchester just shrugged off Sam’s hand and gave his brother a fake smile. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Sam threw him a look that said ‘don’t give me shit’ and countered, “You don’t look fine, Dean. I thought you went to that guy’s place… did he do anything?” Suddenly, Sam’s eyes widened at the possibility that his brother got hurt by someone and he pressed, “Did he hurt you? I swear if he–”
“Hold your horses, Sammy. He didn’t do anything, okay?”
Crossing his arms in front of his chest, disapprovingly, Sam asked, “And you suppose I believe this?”
“Yeah, Sam!” Dean rolled his eyes at his brother and turned to walk away, but Sam, the ever stubborn one, grabbed his arm and turned him back around.
“Sorry, I don’t. Because you just don’t come back from some random hookup looking like that,” he gestured wildly at Dean’s frame, “and be okay!”
Now Dean’s expression changed into a furious one and Jessica hated the way those two were just too stubborn to communicate properly with one another without ending up in a shouting fight, while all they wanted was to look out for each other.
Almost yelling, Dean spoke, “Well, Sam, what do you want?! Should I give you a tour so you can see everything’s just fine?! I’m sorry that you don’t trust me enough to believe when I say that I feel just fucking peachy!” With that, Dean stomped out of the living space and into his room, slamming the door shut behind him to let Sam know just how pissed he was at him.
Jessica came to stand behind Sam, who hadn’t moved an inch, and placed her hands on his shoulders. Quietly, she asked, “Are you alright?”
He turned around then and scoffed. “Yeah, I’m perfect.”
His eyes were a bit sad and he looked guilty, so Jessica framed his face with her hands and said, “You know it’s not your fault, Sam. Something clearly upset him this morning and he let it out on you. Dean just needs some space to work it out, okay?”
“Too much space was what almost took him away from me last time…” Jessica couldn’t bare look at Sam’s teary face as those memories came flooding back in, so she wrapped her arms around his back and hugged him close.
“That wasn’t your fault either, we talked about this a hundred times already, Sam.” Her heart ached for the brothers. They had been through too much together.
Sam merely nodded and returned the hug. “Better now?” Another nod and Jess withdrew from him slowly. She looked into his hazel eyes and smiled reassuringly. “Why don’t you go out and buy something for dinner tonight to clear your head a bit and I try to talk to Dean?”
A small smile appeared on his face and she took that as a win. “Yeah, okay.” Sam gave her a soft kiss on the lips and whispered, “thank you.”
As soon as the door closed after Sam had put on some clothes and left the apartment, Jessica turned on her heels and walked towards the spare room. She stopped in front of the door and hesitated for a moment before knocking, though she didn’t wait for any permission because Jessica was certain she wouldn’t have gotten one anyway and entered the room carefully.
Her eyes landed on Dean’s silhouette, perched on the edge of the bed as she closed the door almost inaudibly. His elbows were propped on his knees and his face buried in his palms, looking generally hunched in on himself.
“Hey, Dean… what’s wrong?” Her voice was quiet, tentative, as if to not break the heavy silence in the room. When she reached the bed, Jessica crouched down in front of him and grasped his hands with her own to bare his face. “What was that right there? Why do you feel like you can’t tell us the truth? We know you’re not okay. Let us take care of you just like family is supposed to, Dean.”
With a heavy sigh, Dean met her gaze and said, “I dunno…” He even managed to shrug his shoulders enough for Jessica to catch the movement.
Dean looked miserable, his eyes puffy and half-lidded. “Do you want to talk about whatever’s going on in that head of yours?” Another shrug as Dean averted his eyes, so Jessica tried anew, “You seemed like you were having a great time last night. Is it true that he didn’t hurt you or do you just don’t wanna scare Sam?”
At that, Dean’s eyes met hers and he declared, “No! No… I did have a great time last night.”
She waited for him to continue talking but nothing came, so she carefully asked, “So, what’s the problem then?”
Dean seemed to think about it for a moment, his eyes turning regretful. “The problem is me!” He pointed at himself with a finger. “I’m always the goddamn problem. Cas was… he’s sweet and caring and I felt good with him.” He rubbed his eye once. “God, we didn’t even have sex and this was the best night I’ve ever spent with someone. Because he was there, cuddling me and listening, and talking to him felt like I was truly being heard. It felt deliberating and I told him stuff no one would ever tell a stranger. And the best fucking thing about this all is that he’s even a Dom!” He let out a frustrated huff and rubbed his eyes again, viciously, as if they had done something to make him mad.
“That’s great, Dean. He sounds wonderful. I just don’t understand why you think you’d be the problem… stop doing that all the time.”
Another frustrated sigh left Dean’s lips and he started fiddling with his hands. They seemed to be extremely interesting to him right now as he kept staring at them with laser focus. After a while, he said in an almost whisper-like tone, “He was so honest and open with me and he was worried about me being with Michael and then he ended up telling what he would need in a Sub, which was that it wouldn’t just require a physical connection with him, but an emotional one. Cas would need a romantic relationship with someone he could trust and love and I could never be that someone because I’m a useless piece of crap and messed up. And I can’t use my goddamn words when I need to and I could never be enough for him, or anyone! It would never do!” Dean got louder at the end, his voice harsher.
With a frown, Jessica sat down on the bed next to him and wrapped her left arm around his frame. She didn’t like where this was going and hated seeing Dean that way – self-destructive and sad. “You know that’s not true, Dean.”
But he merely ignored what she said and shook his head. “He’s too good for me. I mean, look at me. I’m trash. I don’t have anything to offer him.”
“Dean, this is self-deprecating behavior and you’re not thinking clearly here. You’re an amazing brother and friend. You are so much more than you make yourself up to be. Everyone, every Dom, would be lucky to have you.” Jessica stroked his bicep in reassuring circles with her small hand and tried to tame him down a bit – to prevent the inevitable. But then she watched as Dean’s façade started crumbling nevertheless and she would have been lying if she said there wasn’t a tiny bit of panic growing in the pit of her stomach. This ran deeper than she had assumed.
“He’s way out of my league, and I really don’t deserve him. Even if… I don’t live here.” The despair in his jittery voice just made her feel worse. “And all that just made me realize that I’ll never be able to have this – to feel safe and cared for. I’m stuck with Michael because that’s all I’m good for and it’s more than I deserve, so I should be happy….” His voice broke at the end of the sentence and Jessica felt a stab of pain in her chest at hearing her friend like that, especially when he added, “But I’m not.”
“Then stay here. Move in with Sam. You don’t have to go back and wait for John’s return, whenever that’ll be. He’s been gone for months, without a word. And he’s never really cared about you or Sam. Dean, he doesn’t deserve you and he doesn’t deserve you waiting for him. And you’re gonna have to stop talking like that because you deserve so much more than what Lawrence has to offer you. We’d be here, we’d care for you and we love you.” Jessica tried everything now.
When Dean spoke again, his lips trembled and his eyes shone with unshed tears as he locked eyes with her. “I can’t, Jess. It’s my home and I work there.”
“It’s just a job, you’ll find one here. Sam would be extremely happy if he got to have you around again. He misses you deeply. Can’t you see how happy your staying here makes him?”
Shaking his head again, Dean countered, “Yeah, I saw how happy I make him this morning… And besides, you’ll move in with him in a few weeks and I’ll just be in your way. I can’t impose on you two like that. Living with me wouldn’t be fun because all I’d bring the two of you would be trouble and despair.”
Jessica started to lose her patience now, because how is he always able to turn one’s words around and make himself look like the biggest abomination on earth?! “Come on Dean, why are you like this right now? You know we’d love to have you here. Stop making up excuses and saying stuff that isn’t true. It would never be true!”
“I don’t fit in!” He suddenly burst, adding, “Here live all the good looking, neat and smart people. That’s not me!”
“So you’re saying you aren’t good looking?” In her desperation, Jessica tried humor but ended up being looked at with an unamused glare. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I feel like everyone around me has their place, has someone they belong to! You and Sam have one another and I just don’t fit in!” As Dean screwed his eyes shut in defeat, a tear spilled over and ran down his freckled skin. Jessica knew that wasn’t the first one he had shed today and she didn’t know what else she could do to make him stop sinking deeper into those dangerous thoughts. “I-I just feel so alone sometimes – it’s numbing and I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I have no one. Like I’m not meant for anyone, have no true calling. I feel like I don’t have any use in this world… What am I even here for?” When he looked at Jessica, his tears were running freely and she had to fight back her own at the sight of utter sorrow and desperation on his face.
So she just hugged Dean close against her side and cradled his face in her right hand. “Hey. No. Sam needs you – we need you. Don’t ever think like that again, Dean. Don’t go there. Please. You have us, Dean – we love you.” Jessica didn’t get an answer but listened to the quiet sobs that wracked Dean’s body and her chest hurt at the way he tried to contain his emotions as if he weren’t allowed to show them. “Don’t go down that road, Dean, please. You’ll always have us, you belong to us. And if you don’t wanna stay here, you have to promise me one thing.” There was one, tiny and weak nod, so she pleaded, “Promise me that, as soon as those thoughts get darker, you’ll come to us. Or you’ll call us and we’ll come to you. But please, promise me you won’t try to go through that alone because you think you’re a burden to us, Dean. You could never be. And we want to be there for you, it’s what family does – it’s what you’ve been doing for Sam all your life. It’s time for us to reciprocate that.”
It took a while, but Jessica managed to make Dean accept her words and received a faint nod from him, as he whispered, “Promise.” His voice was broken and quiet and his crying turned into hiccups. Jessica pressed his frame harder against herself to try and anchor him.
“Sam’ll always need you and he would never be able to bear the thought of losing you.” To your depressions, she didn’t add. Just the thought of Dean committing suicide left her trembling and nauseous and she had to control herself to not let it show through. They would have never allowed it to get thus far. All Dean needed right now was someone to be there for him, to show him another way.
Sitting there at Dean’s side in utter silence except for the body-wracking hiccups coming from him, Jessica couldn’t help but let her thoughts stray to the time Sam had told her about his brother’s past – his depressions.
She was furious at her past-self for being harsh to Sam because she thought he was babysitting Dean too much. Jessica had thought that their relationship was unnatural and even unhealthy. Sam would excuse himself every night to go call his brother and he constantly checked his cell for messages. And Jessica just didn’t understand because Dean was, after all, the elder one and he should have been able to take care of himself. Now, she loathed herself for scorning him in the past, even if it was just a tittle, because he kept occupying Sam’s time.
Back then, Jessica had constantly been demanding that Sam see Dean as the grownup he was and stop mother-henning him. She remembered how frustrating it had been whenever Sam got all anxious about leaving Dean and at the prospect of being that far away from him and not being able to see him every day. Right at the beginning, when he freshly moved into his apartment and first met Jessica, he had been worried 24/7.
So, one night, when they had had a major fight regarding this topic and things started to get out of hand, Sam had just broken down and told her about Dean’s struggle against himself and his fight against depression. God, she had been so sorry and shocked to hear all that and the feeling of regret and guilt that had become unbearable hadn't made it any better.
Sam had told her that Dean had been having those since childhood, presumably ever since their mother died and their father started to show no real interest in taking care of them. It had been especially hard for Dean whenever John had left him alone with Sam and the younger Winchester had admitted to Jessica, that, sometimes, he would find his brother locked up in his room. Whenever this had happened, Dean would be frighteningly quiet after that, not speak except for when he had to and Sam would practically see how Dean’s mind was tearing him apart from the inside and suck his brother into them, how Dean was getting lost in them with no anchor to ground him.
If this occurred, Sam had guessed that Dean’s good thoughts were slowly being consumed by dark ones and he tried to fight against those, make sense of them. And Dean always won, somehow. He would speak again, even smile sometimes – it gave Sam hope.
By the time Sam had reached this far in his story, Jessica had already been all misty-eyed. And then Sam had revealed that, one day, Dean hadn’t been able to fight himself – his own darkness – and it just took over. That was also the part where Jessica had lost all control and started crying, especially when Sam had started sobbing at the memory as well.
He had explained that it had been during Dean’s senior year, almost at the end of it, and one afternoon, Sam had come back home from school and found his brother passed out on the sofa, surrounded by various empty bottles of beer and his father’s whiskey that John had tried to hide. Sam had been going on autopilot mode because if he hadn’t, he would have been paralyzed with fear and shock. He had tried anything he could remember but didn’t get any reaction from Dean, so Sam had had to call an ambulance in a panic and managed to keep from breaking down and crying. Jessica knew he must have been terrified of losing the only person he loved and that cared for him and it had broken her heart to hear all that.
The paramedics had immediately performed CPR on Dean on their way to the hospital and had gotten him intubated as soon as they arrived. Because Sam had had no idea what was going on with his brother, they had told him about Dean’s fatal alcohol poisoning and that his condition was bad.
But Dean managed to come back to Sam again and when he had been awake and seen Sam, Dean started crying and apologizing. He had repeated countless times that he hadn't intended for it to go that far but also hadn't been able to stop himself and pleaded that Sam forgive him for doing it, for being weak. Dean had just wanted to drown out his thoughts and he'd been sure that alcohol would help doing so, but that he hadn't been planning on killing himself, he’d just been too spineless to stop.
After that, Sam had admitted to Jessica, Dean had to visit a counselor after his stay at the hospital once a week for about two years and he had dropped out of school then and gotten himself a job. Jessica had been sad to hear that even Sam had needed some therapies after the incident because he had believed it was his fault somehow. Sam had been certain he could’ve prevented it if he’d been paying more attention or tried to help Dean.
With time, they had healed and Dean had seemed fine after a long time of recovery.
And now Jessica was afraid that it was back. She wasn’t sure how to tell Sam about this, but he needed to know, even if Dean wouldn’t want him to. This was important and they had to help him before it got worse.
For now, though, Dean had talked enough and Jessica wanted him to take a break, so she caressed his arm and offered, in a quiet and sincere tone, “Thank you, Dean, for telling me. We’ll talk about it another time, okay? I’m gonna leave you alone now so you can get some rest and I’ll come back to you when Sam brought lunch, alright?”
Sniffing once, Dean met her eyes with a grateful expression and nodded slowly. “Thanks.”
Before she stood, Jessica patted his arm one more time reassuringly and then walked toward the door to leave the room.
“How is he?” was the first thing Sam asked after he put the groceries down and took off his jacket. He looked at Jessica with uncertainty and there was a nervous smile on his face.
She gave him a quick peck to the lips and said, “He’s resting now. But…” Her hesitation made Sam even more uneasy. Then she sighed and put her hand on his shoulder to coax him toward the couch and when they were seated, she admitted, “We have to talk.”
Sam didn’t like at all where this was going and looked at her questioningly. “What’s going on?”
“I talked to Dean.” He only lifted his eyebrow, expecting her to go on. “I think Dean is starting to get depressed again.” Her eyes turned sorrowful and she grabbed his hands.
He didn’t have anything to say at that moment, because all he could think about was what may have been the trigger for that. His hands were trembling all of a sudden and he met Jessica’s eyes. “Wh-what did he say?”
“He told me about last night,” Sam wanted to start asking questions about what happened or what this guy did to his brother, but was cut off as Jessica continued, “Cas didn’t do anything. Dean said they didn’t even go further than what we’ve already seen at the party because they only lay together and talked.”
Now Sam looked surprised. “Talk? What could’ve possibly gone wrong then?”
“He’s lonely, Sam. Back in Kansas, he’s no one except for this Michael. And he said he felt that no one loved or cared for him, that he was all alone on this earth while everyone around him was meant for someone else. Dean told me he didn’t feel like he belonged to anyone and asked what he was even still doing here.” Her voice got so quiet at the end, that Sam strained to hear it, as if hoping the words wouldn’t hurt as much when spoken quieter – well, that was wrong. “And this Cas… he made him feel cared for and good, which was probably what caused this all. Because, apparently, Dean doesn’t think he deserves that even though he wants it.”
This sounded too much like his brother and hearing it hurt because Sam thought they were past it. Sam had been so content that Dean was healed and happy… and now all Sam could think about was how could I not have noticed?!
A thought crossed his mind then and he had to make sure, “S-so, is he back to getting into fights now? Is that why he arrived with a black eye? Is that what had been going on all this time, even when I was still living with him? I can’t fucking believe I missed all the signs! What’s wrong with me?! Am I really this self-absorbed that I don’t notice my brother’s misery? And who the Hell is Michael?!”
Jessica tightened her grip around his hands to try and soothe him, to calm him down again, because Sam was starting to lose it. “Shh, no. Hey, look at me, Sam.” He didn’t even realize that he was staring at the ceiling to hold back his tears and when he looked at Jessica, her sight soothed him a little. “First of all, none of this is your fault, Sam. You can’t be responsible for everything that’s happening to your brother. And I don’t think Dean’s into fighting again. It was probably just a phase in his life, and if it is true, he didn’t say anything about it, but I am almost certain that it’s not this. As for the bruises, Dean’s…” She seemed to think about something for a moment, then started again with a sigh, “I’m only telling you this because it’s important and also regarding his health and you should know about it since you’ve been worried more than once upon seeing him like that.”
Jessica took a deep breath as if she was about to betray Dean and it took a lot of conviction to do so. Sam tried to reassure her and assured, “It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“You should know that your brother is a part of the BDSM society and that he represents the submissive component in a relationship. Michael is, therefore, the Dom, as in dominant.” She stopped talking to give Sam some time to take in the information, which he was thankful for.
“So, he what? Lets himself be ordered around and tortured? What the Hell, Jess?!”
Throwing him an almost indignant but annoyed look, Jessica said, “Sam, I think you got the wrong idea of it. Sure, there’re some shady parts to it and you often hear talk about the bad etiquette, but that’s not what Dean’s doing. You have to understand that an arrangement like this is built upon trust. It’s what’s most important, besides consent and safety. And Dean has such an arrangement with Michael. They meet up regularly and scene.”
Sam still didn’t understand what that meant exactly, so he asked, “So this is no ‘master and slave’ or ‘I give you the reigns over my life’ thing? I don’t know how to imagine what you said.”
“Okay, think about this: Dean meets with Michael at an arranged time in a private room. There are lots of different ways to go about this now, there’d probably be some sort of foreplay, it could be teasing, edging, or anything. Let’s just go with teasing; Dean’d be teased by, say, barely-there touches or toys, whatever, until the Dom thinks he’s been ‘tortured’ enough and if he was good and did exactly as he was told, then they’d continue and, I don’t know– start having sex. And afterward, the Dom would take care of Dean and ensure that he’s alright.”
“So, no real torture?” Sam felt stupid and his cheeks burned as they turned red, but he wanted to know, to understand.
“It’s always different. People have certain kinks and they differ from person to person. You know, it’s like, there are people that like mediocre sex and there are people that like being manhandled and slapped during it, that just like it rougher. And depending on that, their scenes differ from one another. Sure, there are couples that are totally into power exchange relationships, where they’re in their roles 24/7, or that like to torture or be tortured by whips or knives or even fire because they’re extreme sadists or masochists, but there are ones that are in between – people who like the right amount of pain to get off because it’s pleasurable for them. BDSM doesn’t even have to be sexual, there are lots of ways.”
Struggling to take all this information in but starting to understand, Sam let out a long breath and nodded. “Okay, I think I get it.” He ran a hand through his hair and imagined Dean being sliced open with a knife just because it turned him on and a shiver went through his body. “What… what is Dean into?”
Jessica smiled slightly. “You’ll have to ask that himself.” Sam nodded – of course, he understood that they were still exchanging intimate information about his brother, behind his back. “But to come back to the bruises and Dean’s depression, Michael seems to treat him wrong. Dean told me that it’s alright, but it’s not. You see, there are certain rules and things that can never be ignored in this society and one of them is consent. Before starting a relationship or any arrangement, both parts have to make sure what the other’s limits are, what they like and what can’t ever happen, so no one will get hurt. Also, every person has their own safeword and if something does cross the line, they use it to break it off. Things can get really wrong if the Sub doesn’t safeword even if what’s happening is against their limits and it’s the same the other way around or when the Dom ignores the safeword and goes on. Consequences could be mental health issues up to life-threatening physical injuries.”
Sam didn’t like where this was going at all and he started getting nauseous. “So, he abuses Dean?”
“Unfortunately, in a way, yes. I think one of Dean’s limits is being beaten during a scene, especially so when it breaks bones or leaves bruises. He said he hates when Michael punches him and that he particularly hates when it’s his face and he has to carry the evidence of that on it for everyone to see. I don’t know if he tried safewording out of it, if he’s just too scared to do it or if it’s Michael who ignores his limits… but it’s not alright.” Jessica rubbed his hands soothingly and looked at him with sorry eyes.
Still, Sam couldn’t believe what he was hearing and it frustrated him that he wasn’t able to pay that Michael a visit and beat the living daylights out of him. “Can’t that… an arrangement like this, can’t that be what triggers depression in the first place, I mean, you let yourself be dominated over and beaten and your control is being taken away from you…? It doesn’t sound very healthy to me.”
“Actually, it doesn’t have to be the case. Subs may engage in that to free themselves from commitment, their responsibilities and all the stress and chaos they meet in their daily lives. They do it because it makes them let go of all that, makes them feel good for once. Doms may need this sense of control, they need someone to care for or just require someone else to depend on them to feel needed and useful. Some may let out their frustration and build-up anger in a positive way that brings others pleasure or makes them feel good without having to hurt someone and can even enjoy it themselves. It doesn’t always have to be because they like to be dominated or take away control from others, are masochists or sadists, or feel turned on by it, there are people out there who just need this to stay sane. Some might need to clean their entire house to clear their minds, Subs and Doms shed their baggage when they enter the playroom or the bed-chamber. It’s just like that.”
It was just then, that Sam started asking himself where the Hell Jessica had gotten all this information and knowledge about this topic, and he asked, “How do you know all this?”
His expression was quizzical and Jess bit back a smile. “I’ll tell you another time, I promise.” Sam just nodded.
“So, let me get this straight: Dean is a submissive and Michael might be abusing him in some way, he feels alone in this world because he thinks there’s no one out there for him, that he’s certain he isn’t of any use to anyone, then he meets Cas who makes him feel loved and cared for, even though they’re complete strangers, and Dean being Dean is convinced that he doesn’t deserve him anyway and drowns himself in self-destructive thoughts? And that makes him realize all he’s ever gonna get is someone like Michael and he’ll never do anything against the abuse because he thinks he deserves to be treated like that and this’ll lead him down the same path again that almost took away my brother years ago?” His voice nearly broke at the end of his question and he wracked his mind for where it could’ve gone wrong and where he might have been able to prevent this. He felt like crap that he let down his brother, again. But this time, Sam won’t let it get that far.
With a sad expression, Jessica framed his face with both hands and assured, “We’ll help him, okay. We’ll be there for him and prevent anything from happening to him. If this gets worse, we’ll make him move in with us, whatever it takes.”
“Yeah,” Sam whispered, nodding firmly. “Thanks.”
Jessica withdrew her hands and looked at him earnestly. “We’re family, Sam. This is what family does – you’ll never have to thank me for it.”
“I think I do.”
There was a beat of silence where Sam tried to collect himself, before it was broken by her, saying, “How about we prepare lunch and then get Dean to join us?”
He nodded again.