Chapter Text
The day his mark appears, Ren wakes up screaming in pain.
It circles his throat like a scarred collar. Anemones, asphodels, and roses curling across his skin. Maroon.
He’s 9 and his parents are horrified.
They hurl ugly words at each other about whose fault it is while Ren sinks guiltily into the red couch in the living room and wishes he could disappear.
That day, his parents buy him his first turtleneck.
His mother makes him a list of rules. The most important one is he’s not supposed to show anyone his mark. If the kids at school find out, they’d tell their parents, who’d tell their friends, and then everybody would know, which would be a nightmare, his mother emphasizes, underlining the rule with her pen.
The doctors say it’s too soon. His colors are all wrong, and it’s in an unusual place. Most soulmarks are in shades of yellow, pink, and blue. Bright colors for happiness, affection, and friendship. They appear anywhere from 14 to 18 years of age, wrapping around ankles and wrists and elbows and thighs. The rarest, most intimate bonds appear right over the heart.
Marks are most common. Some soulmates share feelings or talents. They say the more signs you have, the more made for each other you are. His mother tells him that’s just a silly myth, but Ren believes it.
Soon, when he can’t wear turtlenecks because of the weather, his mother ties a slate gray scarf around his neck, wrapping it tight. The kids at school think he looks ridiculous, wearing a scarf in the summer. What does it matter? Ren thinks, cheeks hot. Nobody really likes talking to him anyway. And he doesn’t care. He doesn’t.
Sometimes, if he waits near the end of the line to go to the playground for recess, he can sneak away to the library instead. He likes hiding from the librarian between the cramped rows of stacked books and reading whatever he can get his hands on. It’s better than kicking pebbles around the asphalt, waiting for a turn on the swing set that would never come.
He’s tired of his parents keeping things about his mark from him, so he decides to take it into his own hands. He returns to the library after school and tells the librarian he’s doing a research project on soulmates and she helps him find the right book on Bond Theory. He flips to the glossary in the back after skimming the long, boring introduction.
Chapter 4. Page 54.
He turns eagerly.
Pink for deep affection and love.
Yellow for joy.
Red for passion.
Blue for loyalty and trust.
Purple for you are my family.
Black for ya’aburnee, you bury me.
His color is at the end of the chapter; a case study in the footnotes.
Maroon for a love that incites agony—
Ren slams the book shut with shaking hands. Closes his eyes tight.
He leaves it on the library table and runs back to his empty house so he can bury himself under the blankets in his room.
Tangled up in the suffocating press of sheets, he remembers what the doctors told his parents.
What an unfortunate child. It would be best if they never met at all.
It happened that way sometimes. His parents weren’t soulmates. They didn’t even like each other most days. Ren didn’t really understand why they’d stayed together for so long, but he knew it was something he shouldn’t ask.
He doesn’t really see them most days now anyway. They work late and travel for work often. As long as he keeps his grades up, they don’t care.
But Ren likes it that way, so it’s okay.
He knows how to take care of himself.
*
*
*
His mother doesn’t talk about his soulmark. She hates looking at it, so Ren tries to keep it hidden when she’s around.
After work, at night, she likes sitting on the dining room table and drinking the icky stuff she keeps on top of the refrigerator. It makes her breath smell really bad. When she drinks too much she always gets mad.
She calls Ren over and unloops his scarf from his throat. She stares at his mark and shudders in revulsion.
“What kind of a monster do you have to be to attract a love like that?” she asks him.
Ren stays quiet. He doesn’t know.
“Well?” she asks.
“I— I’m not a monster, Mommy,” he promises.
“Then why is that on your neck?”
She squeezes his mark a little too hard. He can’t breathe. Eyes wide, Ren scrabbles back out of her hold, coughing.
“Cover it up!” his mother yells, covering her eyes. “I can’t stand looking at that disgusting thing. I’m sorry, sweetheart. It’s all your father’s fault.”
Ren nods mutely.
He grabs his scarf and wraps it around his mark before escaping to his room. He locks the door and hides under his blankets, shaking. If he cries, it’s only because he’s bewildered.
He’s not a monster. He’s not. He knows he’s not.
He feels ugly.
*
*
*
The feelings come next, a constant downpour like a never ending storm.
Despair. Fury. Loneliness.
The first few times their feelings slipstream into each other, it takes Ren a long time to untangle them. He’s used to the gnawing hunger of being alone, but this deeper despair belongs to his other half.
His soulmate’s misery pulses like a charred heart in the blank space of Ren’s chest.
Ren can’t bear it. Wasn’t the point of having a soulmate to be there for them?
He desperately wants to do something for them. Anything.
So he places his hand on his throat, right over his mark. He closes his eyes and reaches for them. It’s a little like searching for someone’s hand in the dark.
I’m here, Ren thinks. He takes in their hatred, their wrath, their sadness. His throat and skin burn like the stinging lash of winter wind. His eyes tear up, something piercing deep like a splinter, but Ren can handle it. He closes his eyes and weathers it—lets the pain bleed out slowly. He clutches his throat tight enough to bruise in the shape of handprints.
He wants to give his soulmate happiness, but his memories are diluted, milky and intangible. He can’t find it anywhere. He wants to send them love, but he doesn’t know what it feels like.
Finally, Ren settles for acceptance. He thinks of the street cats he’s fond of. The feeling of holding his hand out to them for the first time. Watching them come near slowly. The warmth of their bodies curled up on his lap. Their sleek coats and sharp eyes. His silent respect for them.
The pain slips away.
Ren starts doing it everyday. Whenever he can, he reaches for his other half. At first, he thinks his soulmate doesn’t notice, but one day he feels them reach back for him.
It’s a rough motion, a vicious grab for comfort. Something’s happened. His soulmate is hurt. Ren clutches at his throat, feeling his eyes start to water. He raises his hand and asks to go to the bathroom.
He actually runs outside to the courtyard. It’s always empty. Ren finds a secluded corner where no one will find him.
I’m here, Ren repeats. I’m here.
The pain surges. Ren lets it wrack through his body like a riptide. He bites his sleeve hard so he doesn’t scream. He trembles.
His soulmate is in agony.
Ren imagines he’s holding them close, stroking a hand through their hair, brushing tears away.
I don’t want you to hurt anymore, Ren thinks.
Slowly, the pain dissolves away.
Ren goes to the bathroom and fixes his untidy appearance; brushing his bangs over his face and making sure his throat is covered by the turtleneck. The stretch of the material against his burning mark is deeply uncomfortable, but his mother’s warning is firmly ingrained in his mind.
Ren is good. He won’t show his mark to anyone.
The teacher is angry that Ren was gone for so long, but Ren doesn’t say anything and she moves on to teach the rest of the lesson.
From then, things change. Like a wounded animal, his soulmate slowly begins reaching for him, withdrawing almost immediately afterwards. It happens at all times of day, but the middle of the night is most common.
Ren offers wordless comfort. Imagines hugging them as hard as he can. Rubbing a hand up and down their back and tucking his chin over their shoulder. Sometimes, he feels like he’s being hugged back but he can’t know for sure.
Almost a month passes before his soulmate settles. They stop yanking on his hand all the time, tugging for him instead. Ren can’t help but feel like he's passed a test. Like he did something right.
And it hurts. Sometimes the pain doesn’t end until morning. Sometimes the grief feels a little too big for Ren’s body. But he bites his lip and bears it because his soulmate needs him. And Ren’s never been needed before. Never been relied on. It makes him feel all warm inside like he’s a pail full of sunlight, sploshing over or something.
They’re his special someone. His other half. Ren wants to protect them more than anything. But he doesn’t know why they hurt. Only that they do. Only that he can’t stop it from happening. He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s doing. He hides it, knowing instinctively his parents would make him stop. He doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t want his soulmate to live one day feeling this kind of pain alone if he could halve it for them.
And he’s grateful. Ever since he first reached out to them, he’s felt so much less alone. Ren thinks his soulmate might be alone too. He can feel their hand on his hand sometimes. Like a soft brush of heat against his skin.
*
*
*
A boy at school named Kenji starts talking to him out of nowhere one day. He invites Ren to play a chess match at recess. It has to be that his soulmate knows how to play chess because, despite never having played before, Ren wins.
Kenji has other friends. He’s actually one of the more popular kids at school, but he starts being extra nice to Ren. His other friends don’t like Ren very much, but Ren ignores it. He’s never had a friend before. Kenji is his first.
He and Kenji play Feathermen sometimes. Ren likes Black Condor best. Kenji likes Yellow Owl so it works out. Kenji gets a little rough sometimes, pushing him or punching his shoulder. Ren doesn’t like it, but Kenji says it’s just part of the game. Ren doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want Kenji to stop playing with him.
Kenji tries to beat Ren in chess a bunch of times.
It never works.
Pride swells in Ren’s heart. His soulmate is probably really really good. They’re probably the best.
Kenji doesn’t like it. He says Ren must be cheating. He’s right, even though he doesn’t know about Ren’s soulmate. Guilty, Ren tries to stop, but he can’t turn it off. And eventually, he plays so many matches, he just knows what to do. Kenji doesn’t give up though, which is nice.
And Ren still reaches for his soulmate all the time. He always touches his throat when he thinks of them. Which is a lot. Ren wants to meet them so bad. Maybe he got his mark early because he’s going to meet them early too.
Eventually, it catches Kenji’s attention.
One day, he asks Ren what’s under his scarf. Ren says his neck is under his scarf. Kenji asks, why are you hiding it then? Ren says his mother told him to. Kenji says, can you show me? Ren says he can’t; he has to be good.
Then Kenji keeps insisting for days. Friends aren’t supposed to hide things from each other, he says. Ren explains that he doesn’t want to get in trouble. Kenji gets mad at him, which makes Ren feel guilty. But Ren still says no. His mom told him not to.
Kenji says, I guess we aren’t really friends then.
Then he starts ignoring Ren again.
When Ren approaches him at recess, he turns away and all of his friends jeer at Ren.
One of the boys pushes Ren and tells him to go away and Kenji says nothing.
Ren thought he didn’t mind being alone, but going back to being alone after you have a friend is so much worse.
It’s like a toothache or a bruise, a constant pulse of pain driving into his skull.
Ren doesn’t want to be alone anymore.
After a miserable two weeks, he gives in.
He catches Kenji’s sleeve.
“I’ll show you.”
Kenji gives him a big toothy grin.
“I knew we were friends.”
It doesn’t make Ren feel good. He tells Kenji they have to be alone so they wait until all the kids leave the classroom. Ren doesn’t undo his scarf all the way; just enough so Kenji can see a bit of his mark. Kenji leans forward, eyes wide.
Suddenly, Kenji’s friends burst into the classroom.
“You said his head’s going to fall off, man!” “Yeah! Like the urban legend!” “The Green Ribbon!”
Kenji doesn’t bother answering them. He’s staring at Ren’s neck, his face pale.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asks.
Ren backs away, eyes burning. He feels his whole body shaking, his legs wobbling like he’s walking on stilts. He sprints out of the classroom and out of the school until he’s so far he can’t see anyone or anything anymore. He doesn’t even realize he’s running towards the shoreline until the sea crashes in front of him like cymbals.
The pebbled beach is empty. Ren’s been here before. It’s low tide so he climbs up a rock he likes that juts up out of the water towards the sky. He rips the hem of his school uniform as he climbs. He doesn’t care.
He stares at the pale sea and then he’s sobbing and sobbing and his tears won’t stop. His nose is dripping and his head hurts. Something shatters inside him like broken glass.
He clutches his knees to his chest, shuddering.
.
I’m here
Ren freezes at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. He looks around but the beach is still empty. He’s still by himself.
Don’t be sad. It’s annoying.
Ren flinches. The voice is still there.
Hello ? Ren thinks.
The voice startles.
I’m going insane. They’re going to lock me up.
They are? But why? Ren asks curiously, sniffling.
Because I’m hearing someone in my thoughts.
I am too, Ren admits, wiping his eyes. Um, does that mean they’re going to lock me up too?
They gasp, surprise spilling over into Ren. His neck tingles, and suddenly Ren knows who they are.
Are you my special someone? he asks eagerly.
Soulmate (?) wheezes.
S-special someone?
You know, my soulmate, Ren explains, twisting his fingers in his curls. He rubs more tears away. His wet face dries salt from the sea breeze. He’s too excited to keep crying.
His soulmate clears his throat.
I suppose that’s the only explanation for… whatever this is. It’s quite unusual to speak to someone in my own mind like this.
His soulmate talks like a book. Ren loves books.
Keep your embarrassing thoughts to yourself! his soulmate barks, sounding flustered.
Oh, oops. Did I think that out loud? Ren wonders.
You’re still thinking out loud, his soulmate scolds.
Aah I can’t stop, Ren replies, flustered.
Figure it out. His soulmate sounds embarrassed.
I’m trying, Ren thinks.
Try harder, his soulmate thinks back with a scoff.
Ren pouts.
What’s your name? he asks.
G— the rest of the words cut out, like static.
Say it again? I didn’t catch it.
G—
Hmm. For some reason, I can’t hear it. Can you hear my name? It’s Ren Amamiya.
What? I just heard white noise.
I’ll try again. Ren Amamiya.
His soulmate mentally shakes his head.
I don’t think this is going to work.
That’s so stupid! I want to call you by your name! Ren complains.
You can just keep calling me what you call me, his soulmate says shyly.
What if we came up with codenames instead?! Ren suggests, almost bouncing.
Codenames?
Yeah! Like we’re secret agents.
His soulmate immediately perks up.
Secret agents? his soulmate clears their throat. Not bad… I guess I’ll be Crow then.
I like crows, Ren says. They’re so smart.
I already picked Crow! You have to pick something else.
I didn’t want Crow! I just like crows, Ren explains, frowning. His soulmate is a meanie.
I can still hear you!
Oops.
So what code name do you want? his soulmate asks.
I wanna be Kitty Cat! Ren thinks excitedly.
How old are you ? Crow asks, exasperated.
I’m 9.
9? You’re practically a baby, Crow scoffs.
Well, how old are you?
I’m 10, Crow says proudly.
You’re only one year older than me, Ren points out. He feels a phantom sensation on his cheeks, like his soulmate’s pinching them.
Baby, his soulmate repeats.
Ren crosses his arms. I’m not a baby just because I want my code name to be Kitty Cat.
I refuse to call you that, Crow says. It’s so embarrassing.
Meanie! Ren complains, pointedly this time. It’s not as though you have to tell anyone. It’s just between us.
I’m going to call you Kitten, Crow decides. Because you’re a baby.
I’m not a baby! Ren repeats, annoyed. I want a cool codename.
Then come up with something else.
Ren draws a blank.
Kitten it is.
Ren huffs angrily.
Fine, he agrees. But only for now.
He wipes the rest of his tears off his sticky face.
Why were you so upset? Crow asks. It was the first time you reached for me.
I did? Ren asks. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.
Don’t apologize. It’s not like I minded or anything, his soulmate admits.
But still. I didn’t want to bother you.
Who says you’re bothering me, idiot! Just tell me what made you upset.
Ren laughs. He already feels better.
It’s nothing. I don’t even care anymore.
Are you sure ? Crow asks, dubiously.
Mmhm.
Okay.
Do you live in Japan? Ren wonders, swinging his legs over the edge of the rock face. The sea is a light green blue today.
Yes. I’m assuming you do as well?
Yup! Ren thinks.
He and Crow start talking about other things. A lot of other things. Crow loves Phoenix Feathermen Ranger R too. His favorite feathermen is Red Hawk. They have the same favorite colors and they love the same book series.
They talk and talk and talk.
Ren’s never spoken to anyone this much before. He didn’t even think it was possible. He usually doesn’t like talking, but when it comes to Crow he somehow doesn’t mind. He likes listening to Crow too.
Crow has such a pretty voice.
Kitten! Crow yells threateningly.
Ren gets the feeling Crow’s whole face is red.
Sorry! Ren thinks, embarrassed. Aaah he needs to get better at the whole hiding his thoughts thing fast. What if he thinks something really stupid and accidentally tells Crow?
When the sun starts setting, Ren knows he has to go home. His mom is going to be furious. He hopes he won’t get punished too badly.
Why will she be mad? Crow asks, something narrow in his voice.
I broke a rule. And now I skipped school too.
Ren starts the long trek home.
Kitten, I want to try something.
What?
Instead of thinking words to me, think a picture to me, Crow orders.
Okay. Ren glances around at the crimson sunset on the waters of his seaside town. The pebble beaches and seaglass. His favorite rock, the one he’d been sitting on. He blinks like a camera flash and pushes it into the stream of consciousness between Crow and him like a little paper boat.
Did you get it, Birdie? Ren asks.
W-what did you call me?
It’s a nickname for Crow, Ren explains.
Birdie is longer than Crow! And it has more letters! And more syllables!
I think it’s cute!
You’re so— his soulmate cuts off, like he doesn’t know what to say. Finally, Crow sighs. It’s getting late. The sun is setting. You should hurry home.
Ren nods, hurrying back through the empty streets. The five o’clock song has already played.
Did you see the picture?
I did, Crow says. You live in a nice place.
Where do you live? Can you send me a picture?
His soulmate stiffens.
No. I’d rather not.
Okay. Ren thinks. He imagines holding his soulmate’s hand as he walks and swinging it back and forth. Can you feel that? he asks.
You’re holding my hand, his soulmate says.
I am! Ren smiles, giddy. Do you want to try?
Ren feels a phantom sensation pinching his cheek again.
Ow. You pinched me again, Ren complains, rubbing it even though Crow hadn’t actually pinched anything.
Ha. This could be amusing, Crow thinks.
A street cat comes up to Ren and weaves between his legs. Ren stops to pet her. He sends Crow an image of the kitty cat. She has beautiful dappled gray fur.
Look! It’s a kitty.
I see, Crow says. You like cats?
Yes! They’re my favorite, Ren replies.
I should have guessed.
Do you play chess?
Crow's bewilderment come through. How did you...
Ren laughs. He knew it!
He eventually stands up, continuing his walk home. The cat keeps him company as he goes. Crow is doing his homework. He has to read a packet of poems for English class. He talks to Ren as he works on it.
Will you read me one? Ren asks.
Do you really want me to? Crow asks, shyly.
Yes. I asked, didn’t I?
No one really likes listening to me, Crow says.
I already told you I like listening to you, Ren thinks.
Crow blushes again.
Okay. This one is called ‘Fog.’ You’ll like it because it has a cat. Are you ready?
I’m ready.
Crow clears his throat.
Okay. ‘The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on.’ Crow recites the poem clearly, his voice slightly raised like he’s giving a speech. He says it in English, translating in his mind as he reads so Ren can understand.
Ren claps when it’s over. He wants to ask Crow to read him more, but he’s already home.
He enters the house nervously. His mom isn’t back from work yet. He doesn’t know where his dad is. He’s safe for now.
Ren goes up to his room. He left his backpack at school so he can’t do homework or read. He bothers Crow for a little bit until Crow asks him to leave him in peace to finish his homework.
Ren’s room is kind of bare. The walls don’t really have anything on them. Maybe he should tape a drawing or something up in case Crow wants to see what his room looks like. He doesn’t want Crow to think he’s boring.
Ren takes a bath then creeps down the stairs to the kitchen so he can make something to eat. He cooks an omelet and gobbles it down, hungry because he skipped lunch. He usually buys some bread to eat. He’s tired from crying and his head still hurts a little, but he’s happier than he’s ever been before. He doesn’t feel alone anymore.
Crow ? Ren thinks.
What, Kitten?
Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were still there.
Where do you think I’m going ? Crow asks.
Ren laughs. I don’t know.
He changes into his pajamas, turns on his night light, and buries himself under his blankets. Crow is done with his homework so he and Ren talk until they fall asleep.
Goodnight, Crow.
Goodnight, Kitten.
*
*
*
Ren is shaken awake at 12 AM.
His mother is home. Her eyes are lit up like braziers and she has dragon’s breath again.
“I got a call from the school today. Why didn’t you attend your afternoon classes?” she asks.
Ren’s scared. His mother always knows when he lies somehow. He’s not very good at it, so he stays quiet. Telling her what actually happened is unthinkable.
“There’s no excuse for bad behavior, Ren,” his mother slurs coldly. “Do you have nothing to say for yourself?”
“I-I’m sorry,” Ren says.
“Do you have something else you need to tell me?” his mother asks.
Ren’s blood chills. He can’t open his mouth.
His mother’s eyes flash.
“What were the rules?” she asks.
How does she know? How can she possibly know?
“I—” Ren’s voice breaks off. He can’t speak.
“You showed someone your mark today. Don’t try to hide it, you little brat. The school told me all about it.”
“I’m sorry,” Ren pleads.
“Get up,” his mother says, dispassionately.
“Why?” Ren asks nervously.
“Don’t ask me why!” his mother yells. “You broke the rules, Ren. I don’t want to do this.”
“I’m sorry,” Ren repeats, crawling out of bed. The floor is ice cold under his toes.
His mother leads him to the closet.
No!
Not again. He hasn’t had a time out in so long. His last one was before he got his soulmark. He’s tried really hard to be good.
“Please,” Ren begs.
His mother puts a hand on his cheek. She exhales and Ren winces from the rancid smell. “I really wish you’d thought about your behavior earlier today, Ren. It won’t be long. Only two hours. I hope it’ll help you in the future, and you’ll think before you make bad choices.”
She opens the closet door and the inky blackness spills out.
Ren freezes in terror.
“Mommy, I’m sorry.”
His mother’s eyes bore into him like coals.
“Don’t try to manipulate me! Go in, Ren. If you keep disobeying me, your time out will be longer.”
Ren wants to tell her he wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone. He knows she won’t believe him. So, he obediently sits on the hardwood floor. The closet is too small to spread out, so he clutches his knees.
“Be good, Ren,” she reminds.
Then she shuts the door.
Ren sinks in pitch black darkness. He can’t even see the outline of his own limbs.
At first he’s okay.
I’m not scared. Ren chants. I’m not scared. I’m not scared.
Then he realizes his lungs aren’t filling up properly.
It’s like being inside a coffin. Like he’s being buried alive. He’s suffocating.
He tries breathing slower.
Something skirts over his leg. Ren almost shrieks, but he can’t make any noise.
It feels like a spider. Ren knows there’s spiders in the closet. He’s seen them before when grabbing his coat.
What if they crawl all over him and bite him? What if they go into his mouth?
Ren covers his mouth with hand so they can’t enter, but then he can’t breathe again.
He wants to bang on the door and beg to be let out, but that would make mommy even more angry.
There’s no difference whether his eyes are closed or not, so Ren closes them.
He feels like something is breathing on the back of his neck. It must be a monster. Ren curls into a ball.
He tries to let air fill his chest, but it’s getting harder and harder. Like his lungs are stone. There’s a scream trapped in his chest.
Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me —
Kitten?
Crow.
In Ren’s panic, he’d forgotten that he’d met Crow today. Crow is still here with him.
He’s not alone.
Ren’s so relieved he starts crying again.
What’s wrong?
I’m okay, Ren answers quickly.
You’re not. What’s going on?
It’s just a timeout. I’m sorry for waking you up, Birdie.
He already feels better, just from hearing Crow’s voice.
Where are you? Crow demands.
By accident, the image spills over their bond.
Why is it so dark? Crow asks.
I’m in the closet, Ren says.
Why are you in the closet?
I told you! I’m on time out.
In a closet? But you’re scared of the dark, aren’t you?
Ren stiffens. Maybe Crow’s going to call him a baby again.
I’m not, Ren insists.
I’m scared of the dark too, Crow admits.
You are? Ren asks in surprise.
Crow shifts uncomfortably.
Yes. Can you escape?
Ren shakes his head.
Mommy locks the door. Also, if I disobey her again, she’ll get really mad.
She sounds like trash.
Ren makes a scandalized gasp.
Crow! You can’t call people that, he scolds.
I call it as it is. You went missing for hours and she punishes you like this? She’s the one who's wrong.
I was bad, Ren explains. I have to be punished.
How were you bad?
I told you earlier. I broke a rule.
What rule?
She asked me not to show my soulmark to anyone because it’s strange I got it so early, Ren explains deciding not to tell Crow about the color of his mark. She doesn’t like anything being strange. One of my friends in school, well I guess he’s not my friend anymore, kept asking me to show it to him. I said no, but then he started ignoring me.
Crow groaned. Don’t tell me you showed it to him today. Is that why you were crying before?
Yeah. He and his friends started bullying me about it.
Crow snorts. He’s probably jealous you got yours early. Immature trash.
Ren really didn’t think it was that. But he wasn’t going to tell Crow.
Where’s your soulmark? Crow asks.
Around my neck, Ren says.
He feels a ghostly sensation pressing against his mark.
What about you, Crow?
My heart, Crow says.
Ren puts his hand against his chest where his heart is. He feels like he can almost feel Crow’s heart beat alongside his own. Maybe he can. They’re soulmates after all.
Are you okay now ? Crow asks.
Can you stay with me just a little longer? Ren pleads, uncharacteristically. I’m sorry. He doesn’t like needing anyone like this, but he feels if Crow goes he won’t be able to stand this.
How long is your time out?
Two hours, Ren says.
I suppose I can wait it out with you.
Can you tell me a story? Ren asks.
Baby, Crow snorts. But he doesn’t sound condescending like before. Crow almost sounds a little fond, like he doesn’t mind.
Crow is good at telling stories. He tells one about a prince and a thief who become best friends. He has so many talents. Ren’s a little worried Crow will be mad at him later if he doesn’t find a talent to share back. He’ll start looking tomorrow.
He’s too wired to fall asleep. One hour comes and goes. Then two. Then three. Four.
Disgusting lying trash, Crow scoffs.
She just forgot, Ren explains. Maybe she fell asleep.
How can she forget leaving you here?
I’m really quiet. People don’t really notice me or remember me, Ren says.
She’s your mother, Crow says. He sounds personally betrayed, even though it’s not his mom.
We’re not close, Ren says.
That doesn’t matter.
Ren doesn’t know how to respond to Crow’s outrage. It doesn’t feel the same as usual. Crow’s anger is usually prickly and sharp, like a porcupine. This anger is soft and warm. It wraps around Ren protectively, like a coat.
It’s really late, Crow. If you need to go to sleep, it’s okay, Ren thinks.
Crow huffs. I’m not leaving you alone, you idiot. You’ll probably start crying and wake me up again.
Despite his words, Crow doesn’t sound annoyed at all.
Ren feels ghost arms wrap around his back.
Are you hugging me? he asks, surprised.
Hug me back, you fool.
So Ren does.
Eventually, in the early dawn hours, his mom lets him out. They don’t say anything to each other.
Ren curls in his bed and pretends Crow is right next to him. He reaches for Crow’s hand and Crow holds his hand right back.
Thank you, Birdie, Ren says.
You don’t have to thank me.
Ren feels a phantom sensation brush through his curls.
Go to sleep, Kitten.
*
*
*
After that, he and Crow start talking every day, non-stop.
Crow is super smart. He knows so many things. He likes memorizing facts, which he calls trivia. Ren makes a game of pointing to random things and asking Crow to tell him about it. Whenever Crow doesn’t know something, he gets so mad. It’s funny.
He and Ren compete over learning silly things. They share their talents, so as soon as one of them can do it, the other can too.
Ren learns to whistle first. Crow learns to snap first. They don’t know which one of them learned how to blow a bubble with bubblegum first because they both told each other they could do it at the same time.
They like watching TV together because it feels like they’re sitting right next to each other. They don’t stop talking when the show goes on, but Crow always shushes him when an exciting part comes on. They watch a lot of Phoenix Ranger Feathermen R. It’s their favorite program.
Nowadays, whenever Crow gets mad or upset, Ren reaches out to him without even thinking about it. He always just knows.
And Crow knows him too. When Ren gets lonely or sad, Crow holds his hand. Actually, Crow likes holding Ren’s hand all the time, whenever they’re not doing anything with them. If Ren points it out, he knows Crow will get all embarrassed and stop immediately.
They still share their pain, their sadness, their fear when they wake up from nightmares.
But now, they share their happiness too.
And Ren feels happy all the time. Crow does as well. It’s like a top spinning back and forth between them. Like being on a merry-go-round.
And Crow’s the best playmate ever, even if he’s kind of really bossy.
They battle in tic tac toe and other board games. Ren moves the pieces and makes the marks for both of them. Crow finally teaches him chess properly. It’s hard to hide their thoughts from each other at first. It makes sneak attacks kind of impossible. Ren has it harder because he also has to share flashes of the board or paper with Crow while not letting his other thoughts go through. They get better over time.
Crow says Ren is his rival.
What does that mean? Ren asks.
It means we make each other better, Crow explains.
How?
We have to hone our skills in various games with each other, Crow says.
He sounds like he’s reciting something. It’s probably Feathermen.
It’s not Feathermen! Crow complains loudly. He doesn’t disagree that he’s reciting something though.
Does that mean we get to play together more? Ren asks.
Yes, silly.
Okay! I’ll do it! Ren says. I’ll be your rival.
You didn’t have a choice, Crow says proudly. I already made you my rival.
Ren muffles his laugh with his hand.
Crow is so cute.
Every night before bed, Crow tells him a story or riddle. Whenever Ren figures the answer out, Crow’s pride in him spills over their bond. It’s addictive. It works because Ren loves listening and figuring things out while Crow loves talking and having all the answers.
They always talk until they fall asleep, and it’s like having a sleepover every day.
Crow doesn’t like mentioning his family very much or where he lives, but Ren doesn’t push. Crow has lots of opinions on Ren’s life though. He doesn’t like Ren’s parents because they’re always too busy for Ren.
They’re not busy! They’re ignoring you, Crow argues.
Don’t say that, Ren protests. What would they even do with me?
They’re supposed to talk to you and hug you and be there for you. That’s what my mom used to do. Also! They’re never ever supposed to lie.
It’s not the first time Crow’s mentioned his mom. Ren carefully files this new info with all the other stuff he knows about Crow. Crow always uses the past tense when talking about her. It makes Ren sad thinking about why.
Ren wrinkles his nose at the thought of his parents asking him a bunch of questions all the time and touching him.
I don’t want them to hug me. You could just hug me instead, he points out. Crow grumbles but wraps Ren in a phantom hug willingly. Ren hugs Crow right back.
Vague imprints of warmth on his skin. It feels like curling up in the sunlight for a nap.
*
*
*
It’s one of the days when Crow accidentally wakes Ren up with a nightmare, fear jolting through their limbs like electricity sparking between two conductors.
Crow screams for his mother.
Crow! Ren calls soothingly. Wake up. It’s just a dream.
Crow snaps awake.
An image flashes before Ren’s eyes, bursting like shrapnel. A body lying in a tub. There’s red everywhere. Everywhere. Ren’s hands are cover—
Don’t look! Crow yells.
It’s too late. Ren runs to the bathroom and pukes. He can’t—
Close your eyes!
It’s not the most helpful direction when the image is seared on the insides of Ren’s eyelids.
Crow is sobbing.
Birdie, Ren thinks softly. He starts a babbling stream of thoughts, just talking so Crow can hear his voice—can hear he’s still there. It’s easy to forget sometimes that Crow’s only one year older than him.
He rinses his mouth three times before brushing his teeth.
Then he goes back to bed and imagines pulling Crow into a hug.
It takes a long time, but Crow eventually hugs back.
My mother committed suicide last year. I was the one who found her, he explains, miserably. I— I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to show you.
It’s okay, Birdie. I’m here, Ren thinks. I’m here.
He knits together all the things Crow makes him feel. The comfort, the closeness, the warmth. Love. He imagines tucking it around Crow like a fuzzy blanket.
Don’t go, Crow begs, still crying.
I won’t, Ren swears. You’re my best friend and my special someone. I’ll never ever leave you. I’m yours forever.
Crow sniffs.
Do you promise? he asks.
Ren imagines wrapping their pinkies together.
I promise.
Crow wraps his pinky back around Ren’s, catching on.
They curl up beside each other like ghosts, eyes closed so they can forget they’re not actually together, clutching their hands tight.
I’m here, Ren says again. He repeats it until Crow falls back asleep.
*
After that, Crow tells him everything. He tells him about the boys home. About the detective that carried him from his house where his mother died and gave him hot chocolate and a blanket. About the foster families. About the bruises they leave on his skin.
Ren holds his hand through it all. He doesn’t know what to say.
Can I come find you? Ren asks. Maybe you can come live with me?
I want to live with you, Crow says. But it won’t work. Your parents probably won’t let me stay.
I can ask them!
Don’t. Crow’s voice is sharp.
Why? Ren asks.
I don’t trust them, Kitten.
You don’t trust anyone, Ren complains.
For good reason. And that’s not true. I trust you.
Ren blushes.
Really?
Of course I do, silly. You’re my special someone too.
Ren gets the giddy feeling again. Like he wants to skip or dance.
Just this is enough for now, Crow says. I’ll come find you when we get older.
Ok. I’ll wait for you, Ren promises.
Ren wonders if they’re going to get married one day. Most soulmate pairs get married, so they probably will too. He blushes at the thought. Being married to Crow… he would really really like that. He’d get to be with Crow every day, and Crow would be his family. They’d be husbands.
Crow breaks into a loud coughing fit like he’s choked on something.
Crow? Ren calls out, alarmed.
N-nothing. Crow sounds really flustered.
Okay, Ren thinks suspiciously. If you’re sure.
*
*
*
And Ren’s kind of desperate to be good enough for Crow.
Crow’s the coolest person he’s ever met. He’s smart and funny and sly and good at almost every game they play. He’s Ren’s best friend. He’s not always honest, but that’s okay because Ren is too honest, according to Crow.
Crow’s staying in a foster family that’s not too bad this time. Ren always gets vague glimpses of what he’s doing like Crow gets for him. Crow studies mostly. And reads. And plays chess at chess club. Ren loves backseat driving his chess club matches. Crow always gets annoyed which makes Ren laugh. Sometimes Ren makes good suggestions though, and Crow takes them.
Ren wants to be as smart as Crow.
He studies a whole bunch so he can impress Crow by getting even better grades.
Crow always says, Not bad, Kitten, whenever Ren does well and it makes Ren so happy he wants to roll around on the floor covering his face.
He starts learning dance. His parents are willing to pay for lessons because they think all the neighbors will be impressed or something. Ren doesn’t really get it, but he loves dancing so it’s okay. He’s also excited because he’ll finally have a talent to share back with Crow.
Ren’s the only boy in his dance class, but he doesn’t really mind. He’s good at focusing, so he doesn’t feel self-conscious or anything. His teacher is very strict, but she always praises him.
Crow thinks all the girls in his dance class like like him, but that’s ridiculous. Crow is really silly sometimes. Ren just rolls his eyes and brushes it off. Crow doesn’t seem to understand that nobody actually likes Ren at all. He’s always been the black sheep in his grade. Nobody talks to him or wants to play with him. It used to hurt, but now that Ren has Crow he doesn’t care.
One day, he and Crow are trying to figure out how to play Feathermen together despite not being in the same place. They’ve already decided Crow will be Ranger Red Hawk and Ren will be Ranger Black Condor. Ren’s sitting on a bench under a big tree, reading a book while he argues with Crow in his mind.
Someone grabs Ren’s shoulder and Ren startles, dropping his book.
It’s Kenji.
Crow goes quiet. Ren has told him a lot about Kenji.
“Ren, I—”
Ren leans over and picks up his book and wonders how fast he can run away.
“Wait!” Kenji looks miserable. “I wanted to say… I… I miss playing with you.”
Ren looks down at his feet. Oh.
Don’t tell me you have a shred of kindness for this piece of trash, Crow hisses in his ear. Stand up and walk away right now.
Ren ignores him.
“You were a bad friend,” he tells Kenji. Ren finally has a good friend, so he knows this now.
“I’m really sorry,” Kenji says. “I want to be a better friend.”
Absolutely not! Crow yells.
“You already have your friends,” Ren says. “You don’t need to be my friend.”
“I see you alone all the time, and I feel really bad. What happened was all my fault.”
He’s pitying you! How dare he…
Ren tries to tune out Crow’s yelling.
“You hurt my feelings really bad,” Ren explains. “I don’t know if I want to be friends with you again.”
He feels like he’s being a big meanie, but it’s true.
Get it into your head! Saying no is not being mean!
“Oh,” Kenji says. “What can I do to say I’m sorry?”
“You don’t really have to do anything,” Ren says, standing up to walk away.
Before he can take one step, Kenji is pulling him into a clumsy hug.
Ren recoils.
His mark stings like a blister. Ren clutches at his throat with a pained gasp.
“Don’t touch me,” he tells Kenji, pushing the other boy away.
Kenji looks angry.
“You’re such a fricking weirdo, Amamiya! You’re lucky I even wanted to be friends with you in the first place. Whatever! I don’t care! I don’t like you anymore.”
Ren can barely hear him. He stumbles away.
Crow, Ren snaps. You’re hurting me!
The pain instantly fades, replaced with bone-crushing guilt.
I— I didn’t mean to, Crow says. He sounds like he’s about to cry.
Ren slides to the ground, resting his back against a tree.
I’m sorry! I— I’m so sorry, Kitten.
Ren sighs. It’s okay. Be careful next time.
I will. I don’t know what happened.
What were you feeling? Ren asks.
I… I got mad. I didn’t like that he was touching you and making you uncomfortable. And… I got scared.
Why were you scared? Ren asks.
You’re my best friend. But what if… what if you like someone better than me? Then what?
I’ll never like anyone better than you, Ren disagrees stubbornly. You’re mine and I’m yours. No one can ever take your place. You make me better, remember? No one else can do that. You’re special to me.
Crow stays silent.
Do you really mean that?
Of course I do, silly! Ren relishes in the opportunity to call Crow silly for once. I promised, didn’t I?
You did, Crow says.
So you don’t have to be jealous, okay?
I’m not jealous! Crow protests.
Really? Ren teases. It kind of sounded like you were.
Shut up, Kitten!
Ren laughs.
Don’t laugh at me!
Ren imagines kissing Crow right on his forehead. He can’t wait for them to meet in real life. He’s going to give Crow a big hug. The one where you spin around and around till you fall down.
I love you, Birdie.
Crow makes a sound like meep. He’s blushing, Ren knows.
You— You’re terrible! How can you say things like that so easily?
Because it’s true! Ren explains.
I like you too, Crow admits.
I didn’t say like! Ren corrects. I said looove. I looove you.
Ugh, don’t say it like that!
Ren giggles.
Crow doesn’t even have to say it back.
Ren knows it’s returned. It echoes back and forth across their bond like the call and response of the old jazz songs that Crow likes listening to. They can’t hide it from each other. They have one heart.
I love you too, Kitten.
But it’s still nice to hear it.
I know.
*
*
*
Five years.
They grow up like a binary star system.
Revolving around each other. Completely intertwined.
Two halves, one soul.
That kind of thing.
They share a labyrinthine mind space. The same wicked sense of humor.
It’s overwhelming. It feels less like being one person than being one half of a unit.
Wake the fuck up, Sleeping Beauty.
Ren turns over, pulling the blanket over his head. Crow’s in his head though. He’s inescapable.
That’s right, Crow replies, amused. You’re going to be late for school!
I don’t want to go, Ren complains. He’s going to go, he already knows. He just wants Crow to convince him.
I thought we were going to go to the same high school, Crow challenges. How are you going to get in if you don’t have top scores?
Ren groans. Crow’s right.
I’m always right, darling.
Shut up.
Ren rolls out of bed. He throws on his uniform and reaches for his scarf, wrapping it around his neck tight. At 14, he’s still wearing the same gray rag he’s worn since he was a child.
He still can’t tell Crow why he has to hide his soul mark. He’s hidden it for so long, it feels wrong to tell anyone. Even Crow.
Especially Crow.
They get ready at the same time.
Ren gets a flash of Crow twisting his fingers through honey brown strands, tucking it back behind his ear.
Your hair’s gotten even longer! Ren observes. It’s so pretty.
You’re so embarrassing! Crow protests. But he’s preening.
Ren pops some bread into the toaster and stuffs all the papers on his desk into his bag. He and Crow like studying together but they always stay up too late when they do. They start talking, and once they start talking, it’s hard to stop.
Ren grabs the toast and slathers butter on one side before starting the walk to school.
They walk together.
Ren shoves the bread in his mouth and stops to pet the cats.
He sends Crow flashes of sensory experiences. Soft fur. Warm, content purrs.
Crow laughs before sending Ren the song that was looping in his head all day yesterday, which means it was looping in Ren’s head too.
You’re evil, Ren complains.
It’s still stuck in my head. Suffer with me. You’re the one who showed it to me in the first place.
It’s not my fault you ended up liking it!
Crow grabs his hand as they keep walking.
Ren imagines kissing his cheek.
Crow blushes, dragging him forward. It registers as a ghostly tug on his hand. Ren almost trips.
He smiles.
I love you, Birdie.
I know.
And Crow is still wrathful. Ren is still empty. They both feel like shadows sometimes, haunting the world instead of fully occupying it, but they have each other.
It’s the greatest gift Ren’s ever been given.
*
*
*
And then his parents find out.
He’d kept it from them for years. All it took was a throwaway reference to something Crow had said. Then everything came crumbling apart.
“Whose Crow?” his mother asks.
“What?”
“I asked you who Crow was,” his mother repeats.
“O-oh. It’s a friend from school.”
She always knows when he’s lying.
They go to the Doctor’s Office. The one that specializes in soulmate bonds.
“How long have you been communicating with your soulmate, Ren?” the Doctor asks.
Lie, Crow advises.
And Ren doesn’t question Crow. He just obeys. Crow has always had an instinct for knowing other people’s intentions. And even though Ren can't lie for the life of him, lying has always been one of Crow's special talents. His skill seeps over.
“It started recently,” Ren says. “A couple weeks ago.”
“You should have told your parents immediately.”
Ren shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “It seemed kind of cool.”
The Doctor frowns. “Given your condition, it’s not ‘cool’ young man. It could be extremely dangerous.”
What the fuck is he saying? Crow wonders. Your condition?
Ren stiffens.
“The development of a telepathic bond is extremely uncommon, even in normal pairs. In these pairs, such a bond can result in unhealthy interdependency bordering on codependency. I don’t want to see what consequences it would have on you. You haven’t come in since your first visit so we don’t have any information about your… unique bond to extrapolate from.”
Kitten? Crow says. What does he mean?
Ren tries to block the conversation from Crow, but he’s not used to hiding anything from his other half.
Answer me.
“What do you recommend we do, Doctor?” his mother asks, faking being worried.
“There’s an injection. It was designed for aberrant pairs. It’ll hopefully be able to dull the bond enough to block communication.”
Ren’s blood freezes.
“What?” he says.
“That sounds perfect, Doctor,” his mother says, smiling.
“No,” Ren says. “I don’t want to do that.”
“Right now, it may seem extreme, young man. But I assure you, you’ll be thanking me in a few years.”
Ren’s heartbeat speeds up, flinging itself against his rib cage.
“You can’t.”
“What do you mean he can’t?” his mother asks derisively. “It’s just an injection. Don’t tell me you’re still afraid of needles?”
Crow’s had to coach him through every single shot he’s taken. Ren holds an unholy terror for sharp objects puncturing his skin.
“I want to give talking to them a chance,” Ren explains.
The Doctor sighs like Ren is stupid.
“There’s already tremendous risk at this stage. This is a rare complication on top of a rare complication. It seems you’re truly unlucky, young man. You developed your soulmate bond far too early, and such a peculiar one too. This new connection is alarming. My concern is, you see, in some pairs where both partners become too close, any separation has terrible consequences mental health wise. Considering the kind of relationship you’re going to have, I just want to make sure that doesn’t happen to you, Ren.”
“But you’re the one who’s trying to separate us! And you have no clue what kind of relationship we have,” Ren counters, bristling.
“Ren! How dare you talk to the Doctor like that,” his mother scolds. “I’m so sorry, Doctor. He’s never like this at home. He’s usually a quiet child. Do you think his bond is already affecting his behavior?”
“It’s very likely,” the doctor says.
“That’s bullshit!” Ren yells, eyes flashing.
Kitten —
“Ren! Language! Go wait outside,” his mother commands.
“It’s my bond you’re talking about. I’m not going to wait outside.”
“You ungrateful child,” his mother scolds. “The Doctor and I only have your best interests at heart. Why can’t you see that?”
“You’ve never had my best interests at heart! You don’t even know me!” Ren yells.
His mother looks shocked. Then the fury comes rushing in. He’s embarrassed her in front of a stranger. Her eyes chill like glaciers.
Ren trembles, still scared of her after all these years.
“Ren. Go outside right now, or you don’t want to know the consequences.”
Ren goes outside.
“I’m so sorry, doctor. You know teenagers,” his mother says as Ren closes the door.
He stands in misery.
Darling, what did the doctor mean?
Ren doesn’t answer. He’s desperately trying to come up with some way out of this.
Tell me! Crow demands.
Ren doesn’t know what to say. Even he’s not completely sure what the doctor means.
Crow sighs.
What does your soulmark look like? It’s around your neck right.
The image spins in his mind but Ren crushes it before it can spill over across their bond.
What are your colors? Ren asks instead.
Pink and purple mostly, Crow answers. There’s some tinges of gold and blue on the edges.
For half a second, Ren’s so jealous he can’t breathe.
Kitten?
Ren doesn’t want to answer. He doesn’t know how Crow will respond. His colors are a lie. They have to be a lie. Crow loves him so much. He would never ever hurt Ren.
The doctor calls him back in.
He has a needle.
Ren wants to run away but his legs aren’t working.
“Just a pinch,” the Doctor says.
“Please. I don’t want to do this,” Ren begs. “I love my soulmate. I want to keep talking to them.”
“Heavens, how do you know that?” his mother asks. “What, you’ve known them for a few weeks?”
“I do,” Ren says stubbornly. “And Crow loves me too.”
“Ren, I’m sure it must seem that way. But you know what your marks mean for your bond,” the Doctor says, pretending to be sympathetic. He’s actually bored. Ren can see it in the way his eyes jolt to the clock every couple seconds or so.
Crow is slamming against his head to get his attention and it’s a heroic effort to not give in.
“Sit down,” the Doctor orders.
“Come on, Ren. Don’t be difficult.”
Ren stays on his feet, paralyzed. He doesn’t realize he’s struggling to breathe until Crow reaches for his hand.
Help me, Crow. Help me help me help me, Ren begs, starting to cry.
His mother and the Doctor stare at him with cloying pity.
I’m here, Crow says. I’m here.
Crow squeezes his hand.
They’re stuck. Ren knows they are.
Crow is starting to cry too.
I can’t lose you.
Ren doesn’t know which one of them thinks it. Maybe it’s both of them.
“Ren, you’re acting like a child. Come sit here and let the Doctor take a look at your mark.”
“If he’s more comfortable standing, I can come there. I would like to examine it first.”
The Doctor approaches.
His mother reaches for the fabric covering his neck, disgust curling through her face.
His mark is revealed in its scarred glory. It’s much the same. Looking like a wound that never closed. Still circling his neck like a choker. Asphodels, anemones, and roses. There’s an interlacing vine of ivy now, intricately twining between the other flowers.
It’s gorgeous and terrifying. A riotous bloom possessively wrapped around his throat.
Crow can’t see most of it. But it’s still too late. The shades of his mark flash through their bond.
Why does your soulmark look like that?! Crow demands. Ren can feel his repugnance viscerally.
Crow thinks he’s ugly now too.
Soulmarks are a reflection of how you will be loved by your soulmate. Everyone’s always told him that.
The Doctor clucks his tongue.
“If your Soulmate truly did love you, Ren, don’t you think the color of your mark would have changed by now?”
Crow is silent with horror.
Don’t listen! Ren demands. He’s stupid and wrong. You do love me! I know you do.
But Crow doesn’t say anything.
Not a single word.
Not even as Ren is placed into the chair. Not even as the doctor makes him tilt his head for the shot.
Crow! Ren screams and screams and screams. It hurts! he sobs, like Crow can save him.
His mark flares and burns like it’s been set on fire.
Birdie. Please. I’m scared.
He can’t feel Crow’s hand on his hand anymore.
His mind is silent and wrong and empty and Ren feels like he’s clawing his own brains out.
He feels like a shell.
Like half of him is just gone.
He opens his mouth to scream but nothing comes out.
He’s alone.