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Whenever Levi listens to songs from the 90s, it takes him right back to his youth. To his teenage years. To his best friend. To his first love, his first boyfriend. It takes him right back to Erwin.
“Fucking shit,” he mumbles, as East 17 ’s “House of Love” starts to play. The local radio station that Kenny tunes into the whole time is celebrating a “90s day”. And Levi’s mind bombards him with all sorts of memories that are bitter-sweet with each song.
Well, they are particularly bitter today, and he’s a mess, and he wishes he would have changed shifts with Farlan and stayed at home, listening to Mozart or some shit, anything really that is not 90s music, even though he knows that staying at home woud have driven him mad, and he has no idea what to actually do in order to just fucking stop thinking about what’s going on today around 200 kilometres away, at one of the beaches of the Northern Sea.
Erwin’s wedding.
“Shrimp,” his uncle’s voice reaches him, and when Levi turns his head to look at Kenny, the old man is giving him his infamous ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ glare; one that Levi has taken over and perfected over the past years working at Kenny’s gas station, which Levi is going to take over soon too. “You done sleeping? Beer won’t put itself into the fridge. And I need you working the second counter when midday starts.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there, don’t worry.”
“All right…”
Kenny doesn’t say no more, even though it looks as if he wants to. But then he chooses to close his mouth instead and walks away, and Levi resumes his tedious task of stacking the rows of fridges with beer. And he can’t wait for his shift to be over so he can open one for himself and drink and watch Netflix until he falls asleep.
At least it’s nice and cool inside, Levi thinks, as another Take That song fills the gas station and he’s looking outside where the sun is scorching the world. The sun that’s probably now shining down on Erwin as he’s getting ready to marry the man he’s been going out with for the past four years, Flagon Prinz, at one of those pretty sand beaches.
Erwin’s always wanted a beach wedding.
But when he spoke about it as a seventeen-year-old, he pictured himself with Levi there.
The raven-haired scoffs lightly, as his throat is tightening up to the sounds of Sinéad O’Connor ’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” – and he just wants to fucking kick something. The radio, if he could choose. But Kenny adamant about that fucking radiostation and his uncle would scalp Levi if he dared to changed it. Also: Kenny loves the sounds of the 90s, especially the super fucking weird, German techno beats. It’s fucking bizarre, but then so is everything about Kenny.
The midday craze passes and Levi closes the second counter. He’s irritated. And exhausted already. And the music is making his skin crawl. It’s hard to concentrate as more time passes. And when it’s three in the afternoon – the time of Erwin’s wedding ceremony – and those fucking idiots from this fucking radiostation play Radiohead ’s “Creep” – the song Erwin and Levi kissed to for the very first time – Levi loses his shit.
“I’m taking a break,” he barks at Kenny, stomping outside through the back door, to light a cigarette.
It’s still hot outside and his hands are trembling. Because Levi is so fucking livid and agitated. He’s fuming. And he’s so embarrassed. He hates himself for what he’s done.
“Jesus,” Kenny says, suddenly approaching with a lighter with his hand, after Levi’s failed to light his for the tenth time. The man lights his cigarette, lights his own too. “There you fucking go… Is this about Erwin?”
Levi doesn’t answer, can’t look Kenny in the eyes. Because if he did, he knew he’d start crying. Like a lame kid, even though he’s already a forty-year-old man. So he takes a drag from his cigarette instead, staring at the disgusting old bubblegum stuck to the concrete, as if he could burn it with his glare.
Kenny sighs. “Why don’t you go home?”
“No.”
“I can manage on my own, you know? And I still have Armin helping me out.”
“No.”
“Stubborn idiot.”
“Fuck you.”
“You’re hurting yourself, you know?”
“Tch.”
“Levi,” Kenny utters his nephew’s name, and there’s something gentle in his pervading voice, that is making Levi flinch even more, as his uncle’s hand comes down onto his shoulder, “go get drunk Farlan or something. Please.”
And that’s when the Levi’s eyes start burning, when his throat starts burning, when he’s gritting his teeth so much, his jaw actually starts hurting. But he manages to hold back those pathetic tears. Some things, however, Levi does not manage to hold back.
“I wrote a letter to him,” he confesses.
“Farlan?” Kenny asks, confused.
“Tch, no you idiot. Erwin.”
Kenny’s quiet for a moment. “About why you didn’t want to go to his wedding?”
Hearing the word wedding hurts, and Levi has to bite his tongue hard in order not to let his inner walls break down completely. “I told him I still love him,” it breaks out of the noirette – and a huge wave of shame and embarrassment and self-loathing rolls over Levi, swallowing him up, making him feel miserable.
Kenny sighs. Loudly. “Oh, kiddo…”
And Levi couldn’t agree more.
Their teenage romance was wild and wicked. Levi was sure they’d stay together forever. They were solid. Best friends, soulmates. They discovered they were gay together. They started going out when they were only 13. They had all their first times in any possible way together – the first kiss, the first touch, the first intimate connection, the first “I love you”. They were the perfect couple. Nothing could destroy them.
And then normal life did. Like it did to so many “high school sweethearts.”
Erwin went to university in a different town, 600 kilometres away, as did their close friends Hange and Mike, while Levi stayed behind because he had to repeat a school year. And even though the plan of him following Erwin into that new town a year after worked out and he started his apprenticeship there, this year apart had totally changed things between them.
It just somehow wasn’t like before.
It wasn’t even that they had a big argument. There was no cheating or any other big clash. They had just… drifted apart. Erwin had found new friends, he’d advanced during his year at uni, he had changed, while Levi… Maybe Levi had also changed, he can’t tell now, looking back. All he can say is that it just didn’t work out anymore. And one night they sat down and they had nothing to talk about. And when Erwin finally said that he didn’t believe that they had a future together anymore, they both cried, knowing they had reached an end; and then decided for Levi to move out.
Levi went back home then, just needed some space, needed Farlan and Isabel. Needed to be away from Erwin.
They had reconnected as friends years after, at the end of their twenties. Levi had also been keeping in touch with Hange and Mike who had also been keeping in touch with Erwin. More than Levi. And one night they had a reunion, and it was… It was nice. Erwin and Levi were able to talk again. And then, a week after, when Levi was home alone, he realized he still loved Erwin.
He battled this, keeping in touch with him frequently, until he couldn’t fight this anymore.
And just when he wanted to tell Erwin, make an effort, a move to try again – Erwin informed him he’d gotten together with a man. And Levi didn’t want to interfere, because at the end of the day he just wanted Erwin to be happy. And so he tried to be happy for Erwin.
But it hurt.
With every new boyfriend Erwin had, it hurt more.
That’s why he cut down on the contact with the blond. That’s why he stopped messaging. Stopped meeting up with up.
Because it hurt.
And when he got the invitation to this wedding, it hurt even more.
Levi declined, told Erwin he couldn’t go because of the gas station. And then, just a week ago, he got so brutally drunk with Farlan, venting about that fucking wedding, he wrote that motherfucking, stupid-ass, dumb letter to Erwin. Confessing his stupid feelings in this old-fashioned way. With a pen. On fucking scented-paper he had found in his mother’s study.
What a fucking idiot …!
“I don’t know if getting drunk with Farlan is a good idea,” he finally says, stomping out his cigarette. “I’m going back to work.”
“Okay, kiddo,” Kenny says. And when Levi’s uncle gets back, he changes the radio station. And Levi’s grateful.
It’s late when he comes home, because he decides to head to the huge supermarket to do a week’s worth of grocery shopping, getting a lot of beer too, because while drinking with Farlan might lead to some extremes, he’s good to go on his own. He also drives to Kuchel’s, who has cooked dinner for him. Again. And it feels kind of pathetic to be driving to your mother’s at the age of 40 to be picking up food – but then again Levi can’t be bothered to cook today. He can’t be bothered to do anything. He just wants to not think.
That’s also why he continues to ignore his phone, put into silent mode, like he’s done the whole day, when he’s finally driving home. Because even though he told Hange not to send him pictures and shit from the wedding, he is sure as fuck they’re gonna do it anyway, taking his words as a flat joke. And he’d literally prefer to see his uncle naked than Erwin and Flagon exchanging rings...
Pathetic.
He’s absolutely pathetic. But tonight he just—
Levi’s heartbeat suddenly increases when he sees a car parked in his driveway. A white BMW. With some remains of flowers and white ribbon tied to its rear windscreen wipers. And Levi’s throat tightens again, he starts sweating, parking his own car on the street, stumbling out of it with shaking knees, and there – right fucking there – sitting on the steps to his porch, he sees him. He sees him clearly, with the sun only beginning to set, engulfing everything in a red, dim light.
It’s Erwin.
Wearing a beautiful, crisp white wedding suit. And Levi’s heart is hammering in his chest, like freaking heavy machinery, when he’s walking towards the tall blond man on legs that feel like pudding. And when Erwin realizes it’s him he’s jumping to his feet immediately. And when their eyes meet, it’s as if an arrow’s striking Levi, ripping through his flesh and bones, enabling pain and warmth to both flood his insides, as Erwin’s expression changes from hard and worried to… soft and fragile, and his lips pull into a sad smile.
Finally, they are standing right in front of each other. Not saying anything. Just gazing at each other.
And Erwin looks... ethereal.
His hair is done neatly, the suit highlighting all the right parts of his slender, manly body, his blue eyes still as magical as ever, his masculine face shaven cleanly, looking sharp as ever.
“What are you doing here?” Levi finally asks, his voice quiet and hoarse, so many thoughts whirling inside of his mind, his pulse still quickened, his emotional world completely turned upside down. his blood cold and boiling at the same time.
“The right thing,” Erwin answers, taking the final step towards Levi, his hands reaching up to both cup Levi’s face gently, before the tall man presses his lips onto Levi’s. And in this moment, nothing else matters, while everything matters at the same time, as their lips keep moving against one another, softly, slowly, desperately too, and Levi’s hands are fisting into this white wedding suit.
“I love you too,” Erwin whispers his answer to Levi’s letter against Levi’s lips as they part, to stare into each other’s eyes again. And in those blue sapphires, Levi can see tears – and that’s when his own dam breaks, and a pitiful sob crawls up his throat, escaping out into the open. And when Levi presses his face against Erwin’s chest, the bigger man wraps his arms tightly around him. “I love you, I love you so much…” Erwin mumbles, his voice broken too, and Levi can feel the man’s tears on his head, when Erwin’s pressing his wet cheek into his hair, breathing kisses onto his dark strands. “Please forgive me…”
“For what…?” Levi croaks, sniffling.
“For being so stupid and ignoring my feelings for so long.”
Levi takes a tiny step back to look into Erwin’s eyes. They both smile at each other lightly, their lips still quivering from crying, the tears still flowing. “Then I guess we’re both stupid,” Levi tells him. “Because I did the same. But… Are you okay? Are you… Are you sure?” Levi asks, staring at the wedding suit, at Erwins ringless fingers. “Did you…?”
“I love you,” Erwin states, seriously. “I couldn’t marry Flagon, I… Oh God,” Erwin sighs, wiping his hand across his face. “I, I just… I just ran away.”
“...you ran away?”
Erwin nods, evidently distressed, and some people passing by stare at them.
“Let’s… Uh, let’s go inside. Okay?”
Erwin nods again, and Levi, still shaking, still happy, but also confused and exasperated, nervous and on edge, gets them each a chilled beer, as they are about to sit down on the sofa in his cool living room. That’s when Levi dares to look at his phone.
He has 60 missed calls from Hange and Mike, 10 from Kenny. Around 20 messages from all of them too, with Hange and Mike informing him that Erwin is missing, and so is the wedding car, and nobody can reach him, asking Levi if he has an idea where Erwin might have gone, and Kenny telling him Hange and Mike have been calling the gas station to reach Levi.
“Fuck,” he mumbles, letting himself plop down on the sofa next to Erwin, who downs the whole fucking bottle of beer in one go, as Levi watches him with big eyes, taking a huge swig too. “You… You really just ran away…? From your own wedding?”
“I read your letter last night,” Erwin then says, getting rid of the empty bottle of beer, looking at Levi again. And Levi knows this look he’s being given so well. It’s the penetrating gaze of determination. “And I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I never really have. I just thought… I thought you didn’t want me anymore. That you really only wanted to be friends with me. That’s why I tried to move on. But never… I never really moved on. I realized that today, while… While I was getting ready for the wedding. Like… I’ve been with Flagon for four years. But one shitty love letter from you and I’m suddenly on the motorway, driving to your house, fuck. A-A-And if you tell me now that this was bullshit, I think, I’m gonna—”
Levi’s already in Erwin’s lap, pressing his lips onto Erwin’s to silence him. And Erwin immediately responds, wrapping his arms around Levi’s form, pushing his tongue into the shorter man’s mouth. And then, even though they should know better, even though they know they should call their friends, should call Flagon, to tell everybody that Erwin was fine, they don’t.
One after one, their pieces of clothing are being shed, while they keep locking their lips, while they keep licking into the other’s mouth, their hands roaming over each other’s bodies, a stumbling mess of tangled legs and arms falling into Levi’s sheets.
Erwin’s not gentle. Not at all. He’s raw and desperate, and yet it’s exactly what Levi needs right now, his whole form compliant, his voice filling the room with moans and whines as Erwin takes all of him back, reclaims his body and soul, sinks his teeth into his throat, into his chest, his nipples, his shoulder, his thighs, marking him, his huge, possessive hands touching every goddamned centimetre of Levi’s naked body, his big fingers invading his insides, pushing deep into him, into his sweet spot as he swallows his dick – and Levi’s head is swimming, and tears are gathering in the corners of his eyes, because he’s so overwhelmed.
Erwin kisses him deeply, hungrily, animalistic groans pushing up his throat, hot puffs of air against Levi’s maltreated skin, and Levi screams out in lust and pure desperation when Erwin finally pushes his thick cock, that beautiful big dick that Levi’s missed so fucking much, into him, breaching his tight ring of muscles, pressing deep into Levi’s guts.
The blond man takes him apart completely, fucking all the emotional pain out of him, just as much as he’s fucking all sense out of Levi, holding onto his hips, Levi’s fingernails digging into Erwin’s broad shoulder as he’s being hammered into the mattress, the bedroom filled with Erwin’s deep grunts and Levi’s desperate, strained outcries, increasing when he comes into his own hand wrapped around his dick at some point, while Erwin’s fucking him through his orgasm, biting deeply into his throat when he comes too.
It turns gentle after, when they’re just spread out on the bed, fingers running softly over naked skin, rediscovering every curve, every little scar, every little blemish and mole.
Erwin nuzzles Levi’s neck. They kiss. They cuddle. They tell each other how stupid they have been, how they still love each other, how sorry they are they didn’t realize sooner what had to be done. They smile, they cry, they laugh. Until the frantic ringing of the doorbell ringing breaks their little bubble.
“Erwin! I know you’re in there!” a manly voice thunders in from the outside, now pounding against the wooden entrance door. “Get out here and talk to me!”
It’s Flagon.
“Fuck,” Erwin gasps. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
He’s desperately searching for his boxers, for anything really to put on his naked body. It’s almost ridiculous.
“Erwin,” Levi’s steady voice makes the blond man stop and blue eyes look at him, “let me handle this. If Flagon sees you right now in your wrinkled clothes and your after-fuck hair it’s just gonna make it worse. Let me handle this.”
“Y-Y-You… You have bite marks all over your fucking throat Levi! Oh God,” Erwin hisses, exasperated and panicked, sinking back down on the bed, burying his face in his hands.
“Yeah, but it’s better if he sees me in this state than you,” Levi answer, running his hand through Erwin’s dishevelled after-fuck hair. “Besides, I can handle Flagon’s anger better than you right now. I’ll tell him you’re passed out. Just… Just stay here.”
It’s ugly.
It’s really ugly.
Because as soon as Levi opens the door, Flagon’s eyes dart to those tremendous bite marks on Levi’s neck, his body merely clad in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants, and he knows. Flagon knows even before Levi can say hi.
“You fucking, chibi-shit!” he snarls.
That’s how Erwin ends up pressing a bag of frozen peas onto Levi’s eye, slowly turning purple.
“I’m sorry,” Erwin says, and Levi does a dismissive wave with his hand.
“At least he didn’t barge in and tried to attack you.”
“He should have attacked me. I deserve to be attacked for what I did to him.”
“And you will talk about it, but right now is just not the right time.”
“He’s gonna hate me forever.”
“...he will get over it. Some day.”
“Would you get over it if someone left you standing at the altar?!” Erwin snaps, and Levi rolls his eyes.
“Do you regret it?” Levi asks after a while, and the silence that follows feels… horrific. But then, Erwin lets out a sigh and presses a kiss onto his forehead.
“No,” the man then says, “I don’t. Now that I have you back, I don’t.”
“Would you do it again?”
“...yes.”
“Then there’s no point in beating yourself up about Flagon hating you forever. Just… You can deal with this, Erwin.”
Erwin deals with it. Just like they both deal with the consequences of their actions.
Whenever Levi annoys Kenny, his uncle calls him a homewrecker and laughs at his nephew for getting angry. Hange and Mike both give them a long and very aggressive lecture about how important it is to not ignore their friends when they are worried about your life and on how fucking stupid it was what they did – but ultimetaley, they are super great Erwin and Levi are back together.
Flagon makes Erwin pay him back everything he spent on the wedding which brings Erwin into an uncomfortable financial situation. But it’s nothing they can’t handle.
After two month, Erwin finally gets a new job at their hometome, and just a week after signing the contract, he’s moving into Levi’s house.
“You think this is a good idea?” the blond asks, setting down the last one of his boxes in the bedroom.
“Seriously? You’re asking this now, after you have already moved all your stuff in here?”
Erwin grins and looks a bit daft as he does so. It’s fucking adorable.
“Fucking idiot…” Levi mutters, wrapping his arms around Erwin, Kenny’s favourite radio station playing in the background. And suddenly, that song is on. Radiohead ’s “Creep”. And Erwin and Levi look deep into their eyes, smiling at each other, recreating their first kiss.
But it’s so much better.
“I love you,” Levi states, “and I won’t lose you again. We’re adults now. It’s going to work out.”
“I will trust your judgement,” Erwin answers, kissing Levi again.
And Levi’s right: It works out.
Because Levi’s beliefs are right – and they belong together. No matter what.