Work Text:
Direct Messages: Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang
JC: You’re coming to Thanksgiving at Yanli’s, right? I need you to do me a favor.
NHS: Aww, you’re inviting me to your family’s Thanksgiving party? I accept~!
JC: You’ve come every year for over a decade.
JC: Even if you’re not invited, it’s a given you’re coming at this point.
NHS: Yay, I’m invited!✨
JC: ಠ_ಠ
JC: Anyway, I need you to do the puzzle.
NHS: I thought Jiang-jie asked you to bring one?
NHS: Foisting duties off on me? 👀 Bold of you to assume I can be responsible for anything.
JC: I don’t. You’re the least responsible person I know.
JC: And that’s including my dumpster fire of a brother.
NHS: TT_TT
JC: I need you to put the puzzle together.
JC: You love art, patterns, that kinda stuff, so you’re good at puzzles, right?
NHS: Putting together a puzzle is not a form of art.
NHS: And frankly? I’m offended that you think it is.
JC: You’re not gonna wiggle out of this by pretending I hurt your feelings.
JC: I’ve seen that completed porno puzzle mounted in your room.
NHS: First of all! It’s erotica.
NHS: Not porno.
NHS: There is a difference.
NHS: Second of all! You clearly underestimate my dedication to eroticism.
JC: I don’t underestimate. I just try to ignore it.
JC: Because it makes no sense. You’re Ace! Whyyyy are you so horny?
NHS: Hey, not all of us are roiling masses of angry repulsion like you.
NHS: I like to imagine I’m this horny to balance you out~!
NHS: Together we make one well-adjusted sex-neutral AroAce.
NHS: We’re like soulmates~!
JC: ¬_¬
JC: Anyway. The puzzle.
NHS: Right! The puzzle~
NHS: Why’re you wanting me to do it anyway? Doesn’t Jiang-jie usually do the heavy lifting once we force her to leave the kitchen?
JC: If A-jie does that, she’ll warn my garbage brother what the puzzle is of.
JC: So we need it mostly finished before then.
NHS: 👀 👀 👀
NHS: What’s the puzzle of?!
JC: Put it together for me and find out.
NHS: Awww, meanie! I wanna know, pleeeeease?
NHS: Left on read? So cruel, Jiang Cheng.
NHS: Fine, I’ll do my best. But don’t expect much.
NHS: Also, Da-ge can give me a ride there, but that night he’ll be with his boyfriends, so I’mma go home with you!
---
Jiang Cheng arrives at Yanli’s place with a large ziplock bag full of puzzle pieces.
“No box?" Wei Wuxian smirks, "Hard mode… I like it.”
Jiang Cheng blanches. If his lackadaisical brother got here before him, that means…
“Mn.”
He doesn’t need to look at the source of the sound to know who it is. Of course Lan fucking Wangji would be here. Why wouldn’t he? Ever since earlier that year when Wangji admitted his love for the idiot on Xichen's advice podcast, they’d been a disgustingly inseparable couple.
Jiang Cheng is considering tossing the puzzle into the nearest garbage bin when Wei Wuxian yanks it from his hand and practically skips over to the coffee table that had been cleared for the sole purpose of puzzle assembly.
Tiny pieces spill out over the surface, and Wei Wuxian tears through them like a hurricane, plucking away corners and edges. Lan Wangji takes a seat next to him and begins carefully flipping over every piece, separating them into piles based on colors and textures, handing any edges he comes across to his boyfriend.
As he watches the two work, Jiang Cheng calms himself. Wei Wuxian always gets intensely invested in setting up the edges, but once they’re together he quickly gets bored and only comes back when enough has been assembled that he can join the scramble to place the final piece. He’d been banking on this when he bought the puzzle. And if Wangji stays by his side all the time, as he is wont to do, he won’t be able to warn Wei Wuxian.
So it’s fine. It’s okay. Everything. Is. Fine.
Upon completing the border and placing a few scrawny spurs within the frame Wei Wuxian wanders off to pester Jin Ling.
Lan Wangji does not follow.
Wei Wuxian grabs a Wiimote and twirls it like a baton as Jin Ling boots up Mario Kart on the ridiculously oversized TV in the ridiculously oversized living room, and all the while Lan Wangji stays hunkered down over that puzzle.
He only looks up once a few minutes later to gaze fondly at Wei Wuxian as he jokes around with his nephew. “Look at these luscious lips~. Lemme give your bike a li'l smooch. Mwaaaah!” He really nails the Waluigi voice, especially the ‘waaaah’.
As they’re in the last race of their second cup, Nie Huaisang arrives.
He greets Yanli with a hug and a minute of complimenting her dress. “Is that a new Lightning?” “It is! How did you know?” “Their stuff always looks best on you~.”
He greets Jin Zixuan with a handshake.
He greets Jiang Cheng’s desperate glances toward the puzzle table with a shrug, a head-shake, and a mouthing of “I don’t know”.
He greets Wei Wuxian and Jin Ling by grabbing a controller as they’re setting up another round of races.
Jiang Cheng fumes for the majority of the next cup before deciding what’s done is done, and he may as well enjoy himself while he waits for Wangji to ruin everything.
But he never does.
Wei Wuxian switches from Waluigi on the Piranha Prowler to Funky Kong on the Shooting Star, which gets an approving nod from his nephew. But when Jiang Cheng selects Rosalina on the Jetsetter, Jin Ling frowns at him.
“What’s with that face, kid?”
Jin Ling, “You know that’s a horrible choice, right?”
“She's the protector of the cosmos, and the last one you unlock, so obviously she's the best character. And Jetsetter has the highest Speed. Are you trying to get me to handicap myself so I can race with you in the kiddie pool?” Jiang Cheng fumes.
Jin Ling rolls his eyes, and Jiang Cheng proceeds to get last of all the players in every race that round. He even loses to an embarrassing amount of CPUs.
Many races later, right as Grumble Volcano starts Nie Huaisang gives a cry of distress, “Wei-xiong! Why’d you bump me?! The race’s barely started and I’ve already fallen into the lava…”
“Sorry, was aiming for Jiang Cheng,” comes a distracted apology.
With everyone squabbling to win the last race of the Star Cup, they don’t pay attention to the poor schmuck who fell at the beginning. So it takes them all by surprise when Nie Huaisang gets first place with an ungodly time of less than a minute. And since he’d soundly beaten Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian at the shortcut game on Maple Treeway, he winds up with the Gold Trophy for the Star Cup.
And that’s when Jiang Cheng snaps. He starts yelling and attempting to chuck the remote at people. The wrist strap foils his attempts at the latter, but in his rage he keeps trying anyway.
“I told you that setup was a bad choice.” Mutters Jin Ling, “You should switch to the Flame Runner. Do some wheelie boosts on the straightaways.”
“What’d you say? You want me to break your legs? Okay.” Jiang Cheng shifts to get up, and Jin Ling pops out of his seat.
“Whatever, it’s almost dinnertime. I’ll go see if mom needs any help.”
After he leaves, Jiang Cheng switches to the Flame Runner and starts doing a little better, beating Nie Huaisang’s Toadette-on-Magikruiser more often than not, but still struggling compete with Wei Wuxian, who is constantly sliding out of the way of items and drafting on him just to show off that he can.
With all the Mario Kart hijinks, Jiang Cheng manages to completely forget about the puzzle.
In the meantime, Lan Wangji is ensnared in the process of assembling the thing. His mind focused in on the pieces, matching colors and textures and shapes. An eye here, a particularly fluffy patch of fur there, a strangely large ball joint, etcetera. He vaguely is aware that the puzzle is of an animal, but that’s the extent of his awareness.
“Dinner’s ready everyone.” Yanli calls from the entry to the living room.
Jiang Cheng eyes Lan Wangji. The destroyer of all things fun walks over to his boyfriend and wordlessly picks him up bridal-style.
“Eeek~ Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian squeaks, “Put me down! We’re still in a race! I wanna come in first!”
“Wei Ying is already first.”
“No I’m nooot! I’m in last place now!” Wei Wuxian whines, squirming in Lan Wangji’s arms to face the obscenely immense TV and regain control of his bike.
Wangji fixes him with an intense gaze and insists, “First in my heart.”
Wei Wuxian flushes as red as his shirt and dramatically grips at his chest. “Aaaah~ Lan Zan, you can’t say stuff like that! My poor weak heart can’t take it!”
Yanli laughs softly behind her hand, both at her brother’s antics with his boyfriend, and the look of disgust her youngest brother is giving the two.
Dinner is a chaotic affair. But it’s a good chaos, bright and warm and full of life, a stark contrast to the holiday meals most of the attendees had faced under their respective caretakers’ roofs as children. Most of the dishes have two variants; fresh red peppers are placed like little signs to clearly mark the spicy dishes. Even some of the desserts have versions with that bright red warning. The Jiang siblings dig into the spicy versions while their partners avoid them like the plague, and Jin Ling takes from whichever version is closest to him at any given time.
Once everyone’s eaten well beyond their full, they spread back out throughout the house. Yanli starts dealing with the dishes, but her husband quickly joins and proceeds to force her to leave the work to him so she can spend time with her brothers.
The three siblings settle into a set of plush couches. They are joined by Nie Huaisang, who flops dramatically onto the cushions next to Jiang Cheng and winds up halfway sprawled across him as the group chats.
Jin Ling starts playing a game online with some of his friends from school, and Lan Wangji is back at the table with the puzzle.
Another few hours pass in relative peace, and eventually Yanli gets up with effort and makes her way to help with the puzzle. Senses dulled from all the Pork Rib and Lotus soup he’d downed, Jiang Cheng doesn’t realize what she’s doing until she’s already standing above the coffee table, her expression one of shock, morphing into confusion.
At Jiang Cheng’s stirring to stop his sister, which is impeded by Nie Huaisang’s lackadaisical tangle of limbs, Wei Wuxian decides it’s time to finish off that puzzle!
He hops up and trots over, wrapping one arm around Lan Wangji while the other idly grabs one of the few dozen remaining pieces and, seemingly picking a location at random, slots it into place.
Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang both watch intently as Wei Wuxian nuzzles Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli stares at the pair, mouth opening and closing like a fish, unable to find her words.
Finally realizing something is off, Lan Wangji looks to the puzzle, for the first time taking in the image as a whole. Unfortunately for him, Wei Wuxian takes that as a cue to look as well.
Floppy ears.
Long snout.
Lolling tongue.
Large pointed canine teeth.
The whole room stills as everyone watches Wei Wuxian, trembling at the sight of a thousand-piece Australian Shepard running through a field of poppies.
The shaking intensifies, and the quiet stillness shatters spectacularly.
“LAN ZHAN! SAVE MEEEEEE!” Wei Wuxian cries as he launches himself into Lan Wangji’s arms. His legs flail in an instinctive attempt at either running or bicycle kicking, and one of his feet catches the lip of the coffee table. It flips and spins through the air before colliding against the wall with a splintering crunch. Puzzle pieces fly every which way as Wei Wuxian continues to scramble and grab at Lan Wangji, who is already holding him aloft as securely as possible considering all the fitful writhing.
Jiang Cheng cackles while pinned to the couch by his lounging childhood friend.
Nie Huaisang hides his face behind a fan, and any chuckles he may let out are obscured by Jiang Cheng’s barks of laughter.
Yanli freezes like a deer in the headlights.
Jin Ling shouts into his headset, “Shut up! You only got me because my uncle’s freaking out!” followed by, “no, the other one… He wasn’t invited… No it-… he’s here, but I really don’t think he counts… it’s- … Just shut up and let me talk! It’s Da-jiu! … I don’t know, Sizhui. He just started screaming.”
Jin Zixuan pokes his head in to investigate the commotion and stalls out trying to process the scene.
Wangji shuffles his way past Zixuan, carrying Wei Wuxian out of harm’s way like a terrified baby Koala. As Wuxian’s dramatic wailing fades away, Yanli gently smacks at her youngest brother’s shoulder. “A-Cheng! How could you do something so mean to A-Xian!”
“It was just a prank Jiejie…It’s not like anyone got hurt.” Jiang Cheng shimmies his way out from under Huaisang
Huaisang flutters the ornate fan in front of his face, obscuring a devilish grin, “Except for the poor coffee table.”
Jiang Cheng grimances, “Right… I’m sorry for your table jiejie. I’ll pay to replace it though.”
A few minutes after the cries of terror stop, Wei Wuxian returns and gives his brother a noogie. The puzzle is disassembled and put away without being completed, somebody makes a joke about it still not being as traumatic as a meal with their parents would’ve been, and in general the chaos dies back down to the usual level for a holiday event with the Jiangs.
Later that night, as Yanli’s siblings and their guests are getting ready to leave, Wei Wuxian asks Jiang Cheng, “Where did you even find something like that?”
Jiang Cheng shrugs, “Holiday Gifts edition of Lightning Fashion.”
“They do more than just clothes?! This changes everything!” a mischievous grin crosses Wuxian’s face as he wraps an arm around Wangji’s waist and gives a squeeze, “Do you think they do sex toys?”
Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes and scoffs, “If they do, I pity the person or bot that knows your fucked up tastes enough to cater to them.”
“They do,” Yanli chimes in assuredly, and both of her brothers immediately decide to change the topic so they don’t have to think about why she would know that.
Meanwhile, Nie Huaisang, standing by Jiang Cheng’s side, pulls open a note in his phone innocuously titled “Art Refs – Landscapes – Weather” and quickly types a memo before casually locking and pocketing the device.
As Jiang Cheng is walking out to his car with his ride-mooching friend in tow, he breaks out a glare, which Huaisang ignores, and demands, “Why didn’t you do the puzzle? You said you would.”
“I said I’d do my best… which is what I did.”
“You didn’t put in a single piece.”
“Yep.” he pops his lips on the end of the word, “I told you not to expect much… such good fortune that Wangji doesn’t pay attention to the big picture when it comes to jigsaw puzzles though.”
Jiang Cheng can’t help but agree and drop the subject. He’d gotten what he wanted after all: successfully pranking Wei Wuxian.
If Nie Huaisang had suspected Wangji would solve jigsaw puzzles in that manner based on how he’d seen Lan Xichen do the same thing, he didn’t say so.
And if the erotic jigsaw puzzle on display in Huaisang’s room had been left out for the Twin Jades to assemble during a visit to test that theory, that was nobody’s business but his own.