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There's a new coffee shop in the neighborhood. Marija knows that because in the month she's been in Edinburgh she visited them all - the Starbucks, because it still seems exotic to have one; the little cosy one with only 3 tables; the one that is more of a bookshop with an additional coffee counter and an old Scottish man who is very passionate about military books and classic Russian literature.
It's summer and it's lonely. There's still a couple months until the school and the 6th form starts and what she should be doing is trying to find a job and earning a little bit of money - if she ever wants to move out after graduation. What she's doing instead is exploring the neighborhood - the buildings are majestic and beautiful and there are no soviet architecture blocks around.
Marija still can't believe she's here, and that her life has been upended like that - two weeks later, it still feels a little bit like normal holidays. No matter the sold flat back home (is this the home now? doesn't feel like it) or friends she's going to see only the next Christmas. The weather is still mostly good, though, there's a sea nearby, the city has hills and a lot of greyhounds with colourful bandanas.
The new shop is painted blue and called The Treehouse, and the inside looks cozy and promising of a real hot chocolate. Marija tries to remember what was there before and fails - one of the many hair salons or a tourist shop? Not quite clear, but now she's interested and the shop has a 'Hiring a barista immediately' ad on it, which, it never hurts to apply, does it?
The first thing she notices inside are the smells - coffee and fresh pastries. The second one is a beautiful man in his 30s with a head full of curls and the kindest eyes she'd ever seen. Third - a chunky calico cat laying on one of the windowsills. Fourth - there are books and artwork on the side of the shop and when she says a tentative hello and comes closer - the art of two girls, two boys kissing, holding each other, books that stand out with their rainbow-colored covers and “Pride”, “Queer Art Throughout The Ages” written on them.
She feels stuck there with a heart in her throat, touching book after book and reading the synopses. An undetermined amount of time passes, and she comes out of the daze only to notice that the shop has emptied out and the man behind the counter is coming her way.
“Having some trouble picking one? Maybe I could help?”, he asks in a soft voice and an accent she can’t clock.
“Oh sorry, I can’t really buy one right now, but they all look really good!”
She still feels near tears and hopes he can’t see it.
“Well, you’re always welcome to sit here and read however long you like. It’s your first time visiting, isn’t it? Hot beverage on the house? Oh, also, I noticed you were eyeing our recruitment ad on the window, if you’re looking for a job we could have a short interview right now?”
Marija feels a bit lost under the barrage of words, but...is he offering her a job?
“Oh sorry, people always tell me I should speak less, but you know, what’s the point of restraining yourself when you’re an old man with creaking bones like me. My name is Yusuf, but you can call me Joe, by the way. We opened here recently.”
The man (Joe, apparently) smiles and somehow she feels completely at ease talking to him so the “I’m the same, words are good, no? I’d love an interview, if that’s possible!” comes out easily.
The interview is more of a two free drinks and a short conversation about 1) how she’s doing 2) when he realises she just moved - how does she like Edinburgh so far 3) is she allergic to cats, because the calico one, named Persephone (“my husband named her, he’s obsessed with the Greek mythology”, the word husband, said so easily stays in her mind for days afterwards), has to stay 4) what is her availability.
And then, Joe tells her to come back the next day for training and a contract. Marija can’t believe her luck, but she’s not going to argue about getting a job so quickly. When she exits through the door, she’s afraid to turn back in case the coffee shop vanishes like in fairy tales, but here it is, with Joe waving through the window goodbye.
That’s how it begins.
*
Work is only part-time, but she’s a quick learner and after the first week she meets other people - there’s Nicky, Joe’s husband who teaches anthropology at the University of Edinburgh - an enigmatic, but extremely kind man, who always asks how you are in a way that compels you to be honest and doesn’t talk often but when he does, it’s wisdom worth writing into a book.
There’s Nile, Nicky’s PhD student, who exudes warmth and uses all her free time between the people rush to work on her thesis, and James, another high school student, who always forgets customer orders but bakes the best brownies. And Persephone, a chunky calico, who only wants to sleep (preferable in the sunny spot), eat anything given to her, and lay on people.
Those people (and one cat) slowly become her family - while her parents are working 12-hour shifts Joe and Nicky take her to the museums, to the art galleries, they tell her about the long-dead artists, the theory of anthropology, queer history - how people like them always existed in the world. She’s not out to them, not explicitly at least (every time she tries words get stuck in her throat), but they know of her fascination with Sappho and inability to serve the pretty girls that come to buy coffee and compliment her hair.
They have been here for only a year, but they seem happy. Settled, even. Marija thinks if she's ever going to feel that way and doesn't know, doesn't know if that ache for familiar dishes, familiar buildings, and even bad parts - men in Adidas drinking in the parks and too many holes in the asphalt - is ever going to go away.
One early Saturday, looking at Joe rearranging the pastries for the hundredth time and Nicky reading quietly in the bean bag he claimed as his she can't keep the question in any longer.
"Do you miss where you came from? Is this your home now?".
There's a brief silence, Nicky rises up, Joe also comes to sit down at the table with his mug of tea and hands her another - blackberry and cinnamon this time, she's been trying out their collection. Somehow they always seem to know when the question is asked out of simple curiosity and when it's serious and requires refreshments and deeper thought.
"We have changed countries many times. It never gets easier to leave people behind, does it?" Behind Joe's eyes Marija can see the love he has for everyone he's ever met, and a bit of a heartache - she thinks, is that what it's like having such a big heart - is it just permanently missing someone?
"No, it doesn't. But every country has its own opportunities and new lovely people, like yourself. You don't have to call it home. Home can be people or long lost places, home can be specific moments, like that sunset by that sea. You make your own little rituals, you find where you feel good, what makes you smile. You can be happy where you are. Even if someone you travel with hates the climate and constantly complains about cold hands."
With that Nicky glances at Joe and gets a playful scowl back.
"Oh, love, you mortally wound me! Like you weren't moaning about having to go to university to teach that summer class in the rain just a couple days ago! Don't be a hypocrite, maybe my hands wouldn't be so cold if you weren't stealing all of my warm hoodies!".
From there, the conversation derails into friendly bickering, Joe gets his arm around her shoulders, and against his steady warmth she feels - still adrift, still unmoored, but maybe like there is a place for her with those people. Maybe they can be her home too, as they are for so many others, young and lost.
*
Progress is not linear, however.
One weekend, she and Joe are on the bus going from the visit to the Modern Art Museum when she sees them. Two guys sit down in front of her and promptly lace their fingers together. She feels her whole body seize up and the thoughts of "What's going to happen now? Is someone going to shout at them? Even worse, beat them up?" go haywire in her mind.
She doesn't even know how tense she is until Joe squeezes her elbow. He grabs her hand and starts telling her about the festival he got Nicky tickets to and how hard it is to keep it secret "I had to tell someone, and I know you're good at this! He would have known something was up if I had to keep it all to myself!", until the tension has leeched off of her and she can feel herself breathe again.
Back at the shop, when her heart isn't trying to jump out of her chest anymore, Marija feels her face heat up. She tries to mumble an excuse, “I probably need to go home and get the homework done”, but Joe stops her by the door and asks her to sit down, and of course.
There's no way he would leave something like that alone. He's probably going to admonish her, she thinks, she should know this country is safe by now and she probably made those guys feel uncomfortable too. But when she's brave enough to look at him, Joe's eyes are kind, as always, and he doesn't look angry, just almost...concerned?
"It's okay, you know that, right? You don't have to be embarrassed about your reactions, it's very natural. We all come from different environments, and even if they don't influence our beliefs, they always influence our thoughts. Me and Nicky, we used to travel a lot, a month in a more homophobic country and that's it - you start flinching every time you think someone's looking at you wrong. But you, you lived in that kind of place for 16 years", Joe squeezes her hand, "And you're still as compassionate and good as you are. That's something to celebrate, isn't it?".
And perhaps she can’t believe it so quickly, and perhaps the shame is going to stay with her for much longer, but maybe it really is something worth celebrating, so they do, by sampling some fresh James brand baklava and trying to figure out the way to put together the new 1000 details puzzle Nicky bought.
*
The days pass, city colours red, yellow and orange and TV at home starts showing scary Halloween movies. School is going on and A levels are not as hard as Marija thought they would be, even if the Maths teacher's Scottish accent still seems fairly incomprehensible.
There are many little moments in her days she cherishes - Joe buying roller skates on a whim and trying to skate in the shop but being extremely bad at it, while Nicky's visibly torn between making him go outside and trying to keep him upright so he doesn't die; going for long walks with Nile and laughing till she can't breathe; finding new friends at school and becoming closer with James - he finally lets her hug him and that's a big achievement, perhaps worthy of a proper medal, she thinks.
Every day, she sees Nicky and Joe - kisses hello, hand on the small of the back, the way Nicky slumps into Joe's chest after a hard day of teaching, and the way he massages Joe's back after an 8-hour shift or a painting streak, tea and coffee always made just the way they like and the blankets that are brought out just at the right moment.
Little gestures that say “I love you”, “I care about you” and as Joe often exclaims “You are the love of my life, your eyes are like the ocean and the moon and I could paint you for a thousand years”. Every time, more and more thoughts of "Maybe I could have this one day" cross her mind.
*
Of course, that's when it all goes wrong. There's a new girl at the coffee shop. She's very pretty, no doubt, and dresses the way Marija wishes she could (if she actually liked wearing jewelry and didn't feel far too cold for mini skirts at all times). 'Call me Ai', she says and is brash, loud, unapologetic - they clash almost immediately.
Joe says she's here because he's preparing for his new exhibition and they need more staff; apparently, she's the daughter of Andy and Quynh - Andy is scary and beautiful Nicky's colleague, and Quynh is an even scarier contemporary choreographer with her own company - old family friends. Ai is scary and beautiful too, and Marija doesn't know how to act around her, so she resorts to being vaguely passive-aggressive. Ai, in the meantime, is just plain mean and Marija doesn't understand why Joe keeps putting them on the same shifts together, when Nile is a much lovelier company anyways.
About a month passes and Marija doesn’t think they’re ever going to get along until the one rainy evening they're left alone to bake for the next day, while Joe and Nicky travel to London for the friend’s exhibition. After the daily conflict on who is going to sweep the floor at the end of the shift (Ai always insists she doesn't want to do it, even if it is her turn), in the shop there’s nothing but the icy silence.
Suddenly, there's a frantic knock on the door and when they open the door they see James, only in his customary embroidered jean jacket, shivering violently with an empty look on his face.
“They know. They told me to go”, there’s no inflation in his voice and that is almost more worrying than what he says.
Girls rush to get him inside and, “Who knows what? James, what happened?”
“My parents. They went through my phone. I’m ok though. Just can I sleep here for the night, and then I’ll go.”
At that moment, they understand what he’s talking about - James never speaks much of his parents, and everyone knows to avoid the theme if they want to keep him in the good mood. It’s not a stretch to assume they’re homophobic too.
Ai is the first to come to her senses, “You’re going nowhere! Marija, call Joe!”
Marija scrambles to get the phone, and her heart constricts in her chest - of course, there’s still homophobia in this country, and it’s high time she remembered that but she can’t quite control the tears that spring to her eyes when Joe finally answers, “Hey, is everything alright?
“It’s James. His parents kicked him out and we don’t know what to do. Can he stay here for the night, please?” She knows her voice is uneven and she’s close to full on sobbing but then she looks at James, sitting on Nicky’s bean bag and still looking shell shocked, and gets herself together.
She can hear Joe breathe in shakily and when he speaks, he sounds absolutely pissed off. “Oh loves, how could they do that to him? We’re coming back, and..”
“But you’re going to the exhibition, it's important! We can deal with this alone!”, Ai interrupts, and then there’s Nicky's calm voice. “No buts, we're going back right now, it's going to take a couple hours though, so take care of him, please. Call Nile, she has extra keys to our apartment. Hang in there, it's going to be alright, okay?”
James is still dripping all over the floor but at least he’s not in his jacket anymore, Ai gave him her hoodie and made him take off his soaked sneakers. Marija tells herself “time for panic later” and gets to work - while Ai calls Nile, she makes the fanciest hot chocolate they have, adds hundreds of marshmallows, and takes out the slice of pear pie for James to munch on.
When Nicky and Joe come back, James is in the bed buried under all the blankets they could find in the flat, Marija and Ai are leaning on each other and half asleep, while Nile is baking emergency cookies. Nicky and Joe go to James and stay there for a long time, and Marija can only hear occasional murmurs coming from the room.
*
Things change after that. James moves in with Joe and Nicky, and Marija and Ai - there’s something between them now. Neither of the girls knows what exactly, but shifts together stop being so bothersome and often they stay long after to play with Persephone or to do homework together.
At one point, friendship shifts to small blushes, increased compliments, and being more and more clumsy around each other to the point of Ai losing her cool facade and dropping the whole tray of the cheesecake slices when she sees Marija in a dress for the first time. By the end of the school year they hang out every day, and that kiss after the picnic in the Botanic Gardens seems almost inevitable. It’s soft, short, and sweet, and when Marija looks at Ai’s amber eyes, she feels them say “Welcome, I hope you stay” louder than anything else before.
2 years later
It’s winter and Marija with Ai are back from St Andrews for the holidays - to see families (both blood and chosen) and friends. For now, it’s a New Years' evening at Andy and Quynh’s place and everyone's together - there's Nile and James, of course, Joe and Nicky and Persephone. Catching up is fun and Marija feels warmth inside that has nothing to do with the huge fireplace in the living room.
Nicky and Quynh are in the middle of discussing some new Amsterdam contemporary ballet piece, and Andy is interrogating James about his sociology studies first semester, when Ai asks, “Hey, Joe, how is it that you've never told us how you two got together? I think you said you’ll tell us when it’s time, but I’m starting to wonder if you were some foreign spies who had to battle evil together”.
Nicky glances at Joe, and as always they seem to come to the decision without any words. “Well, if you’re so impatient and insist, we can tell you.”
Joe nods seriously, “Mhm, we can. I don’t know if you’ll believe this, but we actually met while working at the coffee shop too. And we haaated each other, didn't we, my love?”
Nicky laughs, “Oh yes, remember when you 'accidentally' spilled the whole bottle of milk on me?”
“No no no, remember when you told our manager I ate all the blueberry pastries and didn't pay for them?”, disputes Joe.
“Okay okay, my love”, and it's clear that the argument has been ongoing for years. “I would say still, it was fate that put us together. Look at us now."
The whole younger generation is listening intently. "So you were enemies and then? What happened?", asks James.
"Perhaps someone locked us in the closet together”, here Joe side-eyes Andy, “and told us to sort it out. But then again, we were much more stubborn than you two, you bonded organically and I'm very happy about that."
There’s a quiet moment, then Marija sees Ai starting to sputter and “Wait a second, what does that mean? Are you implying something?”
Nile and James are snickering in the background, and even Andy with Quynh are hiding smiles behind the wine glasses. “Oh, don’t blame us for this. It was clear you two were meant to be together, just like me and my Nicolo!”, Joe tries to explain, but the table dissolves into shouts of “So that’s why you put us on all the shifts together!” from Ai, and “Girls, you were so obviously gone for each other I couldn’t be in one room with both of you through the sounds of your pining!” from Nile.
Marija sits back, surveys her little family, kisses Ai’s cheek with a whispered “Going to get more wine from the kitchen” and at the moment she thinks “I’m truly happy”. She knows now, what is home. She knows what love is too.