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one day in ice age land, (i don’t fucking know where they live), the TEN FUCKING MAIN CHARACTERS were doing some wacky slapstick hijinx like getting each other pregnant so the next movie could be about their kids or something.
diego and shira, diego’s token love interest, were doing just that inside a secluded cave so sid wouldn’t pop out of nowhere and kill diego’s boner.
“diego,” shira, diego’s token love interest, said quietly after diego had busted a fat nut inside her, “did you use protection?”
diego gave her a dirty look.
“no u fucking furry bait bitch, we don’t have condoms in the fucking ice age,” he spat in her face, causing her to cry dejectedly.
shira, diego’s token love interest, finally had enough of diego’s attitude towards her and got up on all floors, while diego lay on his back smoking a fat joint.
“you know what diego?,” she began angrily, “i don’t have to put up with this anymore! i am not just furry bait! i’m my own goddamn character!”
she turned away dramatically and stormed to the entrance of the cave, checking over her shoulder to see if diego was going to at least apologize. much to her anger, he was still laying on his back, the fat joint hanging out of his mouth.
“diego don’t you care?!,” shira, diego’s token love interest shouted exasperatedly. she was hoping he’d have a change of heart and love her again. she remembered back after that stupid pirate shit happened, diego had taken her to a secluded area where they had passionate sex in a hotel parking lot, just like real furries. shortly after that though, was when he began to call her a furry bait bitch, which made her sad and angry.
“no,” diego responded simply. he then rolled over onto his side so he didn’t have to look at her furry fuck face.
a stream of glittering tears fell from shira’s eyes like a bad amv with angel of darkness nightcore playing in the background as she dramatically turned her face to look up at the sky. her silver fur flowed in the wind even though she was in a fucking cave.
“shira you dumb cunt you better not be pulling that anime shit again,” diego yelled from his spot, still facing away from her, “i’m trying to jack off.”
this was the final straw, as shira shouted a final “fuck you asshole!,” before pulling out a chair and tying a noose to the cave ceiling.
diego stopped cranking one out for one second and turned to see what his token love interest was doing.
“shira you fat fuck, are trying to hang yourself?,” he asked rudely. shira gave no verbal response, instead resorting to flipping him off as she slipped the noose around her neck and kicked the chair over.
as diego had said, shira was a fat fuck and the noose gave under her weight, causing the cave ceiling to crumble and collapse.
“oh shit!,” shira shouted before being buried by rocks. a loud crunch of bones echoed through the cave.
diego watched the scene unfold with disinterest, raising an eyebrow slightly. he waited for a minute for shira to stop being a dramatic bitch and get out from under the rubble.
after a couple minutes, shira still hadn’t emerged and diego felt a tiny bit of concern. a pool of blood was beginning to seep out from under the rocks and diego gasped.
“shira!,” he shouted, “oh shit!”
he got off his fat ass and ran to the pile with his token love interest under it and tried to dig away at the rocks.
“shira!,” his calls became more frantic, “shira you can’t be dead! who am i supposed to fuck now!? get up you stupid bitch!”
there was no response, and diego backed away, mouth agape.
he sat on his ass and sighed.
“goddamn it.”
he was so sad that now he’d have to fuck someone else. even though shira had no reason to be created other than to be his token love interest and her only personality trait was smartass strong girl, she had a really nice ass.
a clawed hand placed itself on diego’s shoulder, startling him out of his trance. he whipped around to see sid’s granny standing behind him, her saggy boobs sweeping the cave floor below her because she’s old as shit.
“hey baby,” she said as seductively as a ninety fucking thousand year old sloth could say, “fuck me in the ass real hard.”
diego mulled it over for a second, as granny was pretty gross but it’d been five minutes before he’d fucked anyone and desperately needed to before he exploded.
“ok,” he replied simply. granny winked, causing dust to fly out of her wrinkly eyelids.
“let’s go somewhere more comfortable,” she said and turned around quickly. one of her hanging titties swung with her and hit diego in the jaw with great force, breaking his neck and killing him instantly.
granny, however, has forgotten what she was going and stayed in the cave until she starved to death as the collapsed entrance blocked her way.