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Remy rang the doorbell of Patton and Logan’s house with a huge smile on his face. Logan opened the door after a few seconds. Remy wondered what showed on his face to make Logan’s eyes narrow. “Why are you here?” he asked, folding his arms over his chest.
Remy placed his hand over his chest, feigning insult. To be fair, if anyone other than Logan had taken that tone with him, he would have assumed he was being insulted. As it was, Logan actually seemed mostly pleased to see him. “I just wanted to meet my best friend’s new child.”
“Your name is on the police report, Remington,” Logan reminded.
“So it is,” Remy agreed with a smile.
Logan rolled his eyes and stepped aside. “Come in. Virgil is currently on the couch, though please be quiet entering. He has been dozing off and on but startles awake easily.”
Remy nodded and softened his footsteps. However, when they walked into the living room, it became clear there had been no need. Virgil was already sitting up, propped up on a bunch of pillows on the couch, fully awake and watching television. His eyes immediately darted over to them when they entered the room and he went tense in the moment before he recognized them, but then cautiously relaxed.
“Remy?” he asked.
“Sup, kid,” Remy said. “How’s it been? ‘Sides the bullet wound.”
“Uh,” he said, his fingers playing with the edge of the blanket covering him. Patton had obviously been hard at work considering the ridiculous number of pillows and blankets around him. “Pretty good.”
“Great,” Remy replied. “I figured the nerd’s been making you eat heathy stuff, so I brought you a double bacon cheeseburger and curly fries with cheese.” He tossed the brown bag of grease onto the couch. “Also, a 20oz of your favorite black tar.” He sat the coffee cup down next to him. “Or I brought an extra Remy Special if I can temp you.” He winked.
“No.”
Remy sighed. “Fine, Logan this one’s yours,” he shoved the Remy Special at him.
Logan let Remy hold it to his chest without taking it. “No.”
Remy could see the family resemblance already. “Fine, guess I’ll just have to drink it.” He took a long sip through the straw, making eye contact with a disgusted Logan.
“And this is the second one you’ve consumed today?”
“Third actually.”
“Did you invade my house solely to overdose on caffeine and sugar?”
“It’s called being a good friend and coming to check on someone when they’re injured or sick, Professor Oblivious,” he said, gesturing at Virgil who was already cautiously investigating the bag of food as if it might eat him. “But, I also brought you and Patton Cake a gift.”
“It’s yours. Go ahead and eat it if you’d like. We can put your dinner in the refrigerator if you end up not being hungry, but you don’t have to,” Logan told Virgil. Virgil reached in to grab a fry and lit up when he ate it. Cute. Logan turned back to Remy. “Is this ‘gift’ more horrible coffee?”
“You can’t say something tastes horrible if you haven’t tasted it,” Remy sang.
“I can if it’s verifiably inedible.”
Remy ignored that. “Where’s Patton?”
“He’s in the kitchen.”
“K. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes to hang out for a bit, if that’s alright, kid,” Remy said.
“Uh, yeah, alright,” he replied through a mouthful of fries.
Remy turned towards Patton’s kitchen, Logan following behind him. Patton glanced up from what he was doing when Remy entered and smiled.
“Hi Remy,” he greeted. He was wearing an apron that Remy had gotten for him a couple of years ago and flour was everywhere, including on his nose.
“Hey. Stress baking, Patty?” Remy asked.
Patton glanced at his surroundings sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure what he’d like.”
“Stress baking about what to bake. That’s a new one Pat.”
Patton just shrugged. “We’ve been trying not to overwhelm him by hovering.” Translation: Logan physically dragged me out of the room earlier because I wouldn’t stop offering tea or fluffing his pillows every three seconds.
“That’s probably for the best,” Remy said.
“Mmm.”
“Now will you explain why you are in my house without an invite?” Logan asked.
“Logan.”
“Well,” Remy said. “The two of you neglected to invite me to the baby shower.” Logan gave him a confused blink. “I’m torn up about it, by the way.” Patton rolled his eyes. “So, I came to meet the new baby boy and give you guys this.” He slapped down the ‘It’s a Boy!’ card he’d picked out a couple of days ago on the countertop.
He saw Patton shake his head out of the corner of his eyes, but Remy’s attention was mostly trained on Logan. Logan was frowning. He opened his mouth. Here, we go, thought Remy gleefully.
“That card is not the correct one to give considering the circumstances.”
“You just got a new kid,” Remy said.
“That type of card is customarily give to parents of new babies. Virgil is 15.”
“Oh, I think it’s perfect for this occasion.”
Logan’s frown just got deeper. “That card is clearly made exclusively for babies. I am unsure why you think giving it to us is correct.”
“Nah.”
Logan’s eye got all twitchy. Remy so adored inputting invalid command lines into the computer that was Logan’s mind. “The statement of ‘it’s a boy,’” he started, “clearly indicates that the recipient was unaware of the sex of the child they acquired until recently. This is not the case with Virgil.”
“Eh. Sounds fake.”
“What sounds fake?!”
“Big time fake.”
Patton sighed. “Will you be staying for dinner Remy?”
“This is preposterous. This card makes no sense in this context!”
“You just don’t get me,” Remy said. Smoke was going to start coming out of Logan’s ears in a couple of seconds and personally, Remy was living for it.
“I’ll… take that as a yes,” Patton sighed.