Chapter Text
Lisa learns to love in little things and small moments.
She loves Jisoo by letting her talk about the games she plays, by staying up all night watching her murder her controllers, by learning how to cook chicken for when she's sad and lonely and too strong to ask for comfort. She loves Chaeyoung by letting her drag her in and out of shopping malls, by sending her photos of the sunset when she feels lost and confused, by telling her that her music deserves to be heard when she struggles to write her songs.
Lisa loves Jennie differently. She still does so in little things and small moments, but Lisa doesn't only learn how to love quietly – she also learns how to hide it. It's fear, she knows. After all, she could only stand by and watch as the world turned against Jennie for trying to find love where she could, watched as the aftermath left Jennie terrified and heartbroken, watched as the world tore into a woman Lisa knew was nothing but kind for trying to find a sense of normalcy. And Lisa didn't know why she felt like she should hide what she feels for Jennie even before the sky fell for the woman, but she does, and she does it well.
Maybe that's why it was such a shock for her when the people around her began to take notice.
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The first to say anything about it was her mother.
Earlier that day, Lisa had taken it upon herself to show Jennie around her homeland. And Lisa doesn't always let people in – a byproduct of how her biological father decided that she and her mother weren't enough for him, she supposes. But for the day, she was determined to show Jennie the life she's lived thus far.
She ripped herself open and took down her walls for Jennie.
Lisa brought her to her old school and pointed out an alley a few blocks away, where she would always climb the fire escape all the way to the rooftop when she felt overwhelmed.
(Jennie slipped a hand around the crook of her elbow like she was trying to pull her back when Lisa told her that sometimes, she wished she could fly away from everything that made life a little less worth it.)
She brought Jennie to a café near her house and told her about the time she sat where they were sitting and broke a poor boy's heart. She blushed in embarrassment throughout the story but enjoyed how Jennie laughed at her expense, eyes bright and smile wide.
(Jennie sobered and sipped daintily from her coffee cup, linking their pinkies together, when Lisa told her that she hated that she had to do it, that she didn't want to be someone who broke hearts.)
She brought her to a local park, produced sandwiches and drinks from her backpack, and told Jennie to sit down beside her and under the shade of a tree farthest from the entrance. As they watched kids and parents soak up the sun, Lisa told Jennie that her mother found her in this park, curled up against this tree, a day after her biological father left them. She had been too young to understand but old enough to be hurt. She was naïve, and she believed that if she waited at the park long enough, her father would come for her the way he used to. When it was her mother who found her, Lisa told Jennie that that was the loudest she'd ever cried and that she and her mother stayed in the park until dark, waiting for someone who would never come for them.
(Jennie looked as if she might cry as she put her half-eaten sandwich down, scooted close to Lisa, laid her head on her shoulder, and wrapped an arm around her trembling body.)
Lisa hums, content and comforted by Jennie's warmth.
"Maybe if that me had you, she wouldn't have been so sad," Lisa whispers as she shifts to wrap an arm around Jennie's shoulder, pulling her closer.
"I'm here now."
Lisa doubted that Jennie knew how much that meant to her. And that's okay, she thinks as Jennie moves to burrow deeper into her, this is more than enough.
In the mall, Lisa pointed out the arcade she spent too much money in, the ice cream shop where she discovered her love for mint chocolate, and the movie theater where she had her first date. When fans began to recognize them, Lisa made sure to keep their little group entertained and distracted as she regaled them with stories, letting her mother interject occasionally to express her teasing disapproval. Both Kims laughed with them and as Lisa caught her breath, Mrs. Kim took it upon herself to bring out embarrassing stories about Jennie.
(Lisa would smile when Jennie whined, poke her cheek when she blushed, and stopped to take it all in when she laughed.)
When it was just the two of them again, Lisa brought Jennie to a rooftop where they could see the whole of Thailand. It was dark, but the city shimmered, alive and breathing. They talked about everything and nothing all at once, and Lisa didn't think she could be happier. When their conversation lulled, Jennie would lean against the railing, letting the wind comb through her hair. Lisa would grip her camera a little tighter, trying to take a snapshot of Jennie in the moment even though she knew photos probably wouldn't do her justice.
Later, when Jennie was sound asleep in the guest room, it would be that photo that she'd be looking at as her mother sat quietly beside her.
"That's a beautiful picture," her mother says as she peers over her shoulder.
Lisa smiles softly. "She's beautiful."
She doesn't realize what she said until her mother quirks an inquisitive eyebrow. It might have been the fact that she was at home, or it may have been how she spent the entire day with Jennie, falling a little more in love with every story and every smile. Whatever it was, Lisa forgot that love cannot be this loud, not when it was for Jennie.
Her face must have shown her sudden fear and trepidation because the next thing she knows, her mother has pried one of her hands from where it was clutching the photo with all the care she could give.
"Mom…"
"Lalisa, I love you," her mother says firmly. "I love you, no matter what. You're my daughter, and being apart from you is the hardest thing I've ever had to live through because that's how much I love you. I know that the path you've chosen isn't easy and that there are many things you're afraid of. But, my darling girl, you should never have to be afraid of whether or not I will love you any less or at all. Do you understand?"
Lisa's lip trembles, overwhelmed by the strength that her mother seems to be trying to share with her. She takes a deep breath, gaze falling back on the photo, taking comfort in Jennie's beauty immortalized by her camera and by her own fragile love.
She lifts her eyes back to meet her mother's. "I love her, mom," Lisa whispers so gently, so fondly.
This is the loudest she has ever been with her love.
Tears blur her vision, but not before she sees a kind smile on her mother's face.
"Oh, darling, why do you cry?"
Lisa sniffles, once again the child waiting all alone in a park. "Because love leaves. And I—" she looks down at the photo again, "I don't think I'll survive it if I lost her."
Her mother sighs and moves to gather Lisa in her arms. Lisa rests her head on her chest, clutching the hem of her mother's shirt.
"I won't lie to you; love does leave. We've been left behind before, you and I. But Lalisa, love is also always there. I found your father, didn't I?" She cards a hand through blonde hair. "And yes, love isn't enough. But today, I watched you love Jennie. You opened yourself up for her and got her favorite ice cream and protected her when the fans recognized you both. I watched you take care of her. I watched you become the happiest I've ever seen you when that girl so much as smiled. Your love is huge, darling. And it is strong. Being left behind again is the last thing it will lead you to."
"How do you know?"
"Because when you feel for someone as much you do Jennie, there's no one in this world who could turn away from it. We all want that kind of love, darling."
"What do I do?" Lisa asks, quiet and sad because she knows the world she lives in isn't ready to accept her.
Her mother lifts her head up, cupping a hand on each cheek. She wipes away Lisa's tears. "You do what you've been doing. You love. Let yourself feel it, and when it hurts, know that you don't have to hide it from me. Let yourself be in love, but forgive yourself for the times you'll be selfish because of it. Be kind, be you. Remember that I am always here for you."
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Later, when all her tears have dried and she's talked her mother's ear off about everything that she loves about Jennie, Lisa hesitates in front of her room, suddenly hyperaware of the guest room just a few steps to the left. She feels like her heart is beating out of her chest, open and willing for everyone to see it. She swallows as she shifts her weight from one leg to the other, trying to rein in everything that she feels for Jennie, convinced that if her heartbeat was any louder, Jennie might hear it.
But the thing about love, Lisa suddenly realizes, is that it's not meant to be hidden and buried. It doesn't behave the way people want it to, doesn't listen to rhyme or reason, doesn't let anyone dictate who deserves it and who doesn't.
Forgive yourself for the times you'll be selfish because of it.
Lisa turns on her heel, padding to the guest room. She knocks, knowing that Jennie is asleep. She waits for a couple of minutes before turning the doorknob and peeking inside the room. She spots Jennie sleeping soundly under the blankets, the moon hitting her form just right. Lisa itches to hold her camera but decides against it, trying to commit this image in her memory instead.
She moves toward the bed, sitting slowly at the edge of it. And Jennie has always been a light sleeper despite her disdain for mornings and sunrises so Lisa isn't all that surprised when Jennie stirs, eyes fluttering open and landing on her. And damn it all, Lisa thinks as she stares right back, allowing a small smile to lift the corners of her lips, she is so in love that she could only hope that Jennie doesn't hear it in the way her breath hitches and see it in the way her hand trembles as she reaches out to brush brown hair away from her face.
(Jennie hears and sees it all but doesn't understand what it means so she settles for lifting her own hand and weaving her fingers in the spaces between Lisa's.)
"Hey," Jennie croaks, and the blonde wonders just how much love a heart can hold because right now, she feels it entirely too much.
Lisa swallows and whispers, "hey."
"Are you okay?"
Lisa hums an affirmative, squeezing the hand in hers for reassurance.
"What can I do for you then, Lili?" Jennie asks, teasing and light even as sleep weighs heavily in her eyes.
"May I sleep here?"
Jennie smiles lazily, tugging her hand forward by way of a response. Lisa moves slowly as she toes of her slippers off and as she pries her hand away from Jennie's. She crawls to the space Jennie makes for her, half-heartedly trying to calm the chaos in her chest. She slips under the covers and hesitates for a second before wrapping an arm around Jennie's waist. Lisa gently pulls her closer until Jennie's back is pressed to her front, letting the warmth sink into her aching bones. She tucks Jennie's head under her chin and sighs, the sound laden with contentment even to her own ears. Lisa wonders if Jennie can feel how her heart races and how she craves to pull her closer when a hand curls around the one Lisa has on her stomach.
Lisa, content and exhausted and in love, doesn't know whether or not she wants Jennie to feel it all, to know what she does to the blonde, to hear the words Lisa whispers in how she holds her.
"Stay?" Lisa asks, the question slipping past her lips just as she closes her eyes, ready to surrender herself to her dreams.
Jennie cuddles closer. "Always."
(Jennie only waits long enough for Lisa's heart to settle into a slow and steady rhythm before letting the feeling and the warmth against her back lull her back to sleep.)
Lisa's mother finds them in the same position come morning, and she leans against the doorframe after taking her daughter's Polaroid and snapping a photo of the scene. She wonders how long she'll have to wait to show the picture to both girls and tell them that this is when she knew they were going to be together.