Chapter Text
In retrospect, Gandalf had perhaps gone a little too far.
Sullenly he puffed on his pipe, puffed the thick smoke towards the sky. He sat beside the Lord of Rivendell, who was still staring at him in astonishment. There was a hint of disbelief in his eyes.
He came to Rivendell to finally find peace after being with Bilbo. Soon the dwarves would ask him for help, and he would have to come up with a good excuse to get rid of them. But judging by Elrond's look, Gandalf would not find peace here.
He had perhaps overreacted, that was clear to him now. Elrond made that clear to him. But he was not the spiritual advisor for Thorin Oakenshield or Bilbo Baggins. He left the undying lands not to listen to the heartbreak of two misguided souls but to help the elves defeat Sauron.
He had made it clear to both parties what would be the most logical way to escape from their predicament. Again and again he explained the same thing. And again and again they just didn't listen!
And when he was once again in Erebor to see how the kingdom was developing, and once again found a drunken Thorin after a feast, who once again poured out his heart to him, it was enough for the wizard.
Thorin had not even finished his monologue about love and pain when Gandalf simply stood up without a word and left. The dwarf king was still sobbing after him. Gandalf even thought he heard him fall from his chair. Nevertheless, he just walked on. Even when he passed Dwalin and Ori, he kept silent and walked on with quick steps. The two of them called after him, still puzzled.
Radagast also looked at him very confused when Gandalf appeared at his door in the middle of the night, completely unannounced. Panic-stricken, the brown wizard asked if all was well, if the War of the Ring had already begun or if there was still some time left.
Gandalf stepped into his house, took off his hat and rubbed his eyes for a long time before speaking to his friend.
“I need your help, but you must not question it! I beg you most earnestly.” Gandalf looked very tired. A little lost too. Radagast had no choice but to say yes.
“I need a spell or potion, whichever is easier, to turn someone into an animal. Not permanently, of course. Maybe for a month or two.” He looked absently at the floor. For Radagast he looked very... insane.
“Which animal then?” Being the good friend that he was, he did not question it, only the most necessary and at the same time set to work mixing a powder that one simply had to blow into the victim's face.
“Something pet-like. Something small but robust. Something that doesn't bother, and that people love.”
“You mean something like a cat?” The brown wizard waited for the wizard's confirming and slightly manic nod before mixing his powder.
He handed Gandalf the bag with the purple-coloured substance and told him that it would last for a little more than two months. The person would then simply change back into a human or elf or dwarf or whatever Gandalf's victim was.
Gandalf thanked him sincerely, visibly relieved at how simple it was, and set off again for Erebor.
When he entered Thorin's room again, the king under the mountain was sitting there, now fully sobbing, and in his arms was Dwalin, also crying. In front of them were more mugs of ale, half of them empty again. There was no sign of Ori. Gandalf thought about how quickly he got away and back to Erebor. Must be a new record.
They were both crying about their heartbreak and hopelessness and Gandalf just wanted to bang his head against the nearest wall so he wouldn't have to endure this anymore.
He wondered if the powder was enough for two people. Radagast had certainly made it for someone bigger, so it should be enough for two half portions like these dwarves.
Thorin looked up and gulped Gandalf's name. Where have you gone? We have gone on without you. You must help us! Blah blah blah…Gandalf had enough of this.
“Lads, I will help you.” With that he pulled the small bag out of his pocket, waited until both dwarfs looked up and then busted it hard into their faces.
They stopped crying, just looked at him in shock before writhing in pain. First their heads hurt, then their joints and finally their guts. Gandalf watched as they shrank, as their clothes grew too big and their hair became more and more.
In the end, two rather large well-fed cats sat in front of him. One black with a slight silver sting and piercing blue eyes. The other a dark brown with a little white here and there. Not to forget the bald spots on the head.
The cats looked at him with wide eyes before looking at each other, hissing and jumping away. They both arched their backs like cats normally do when they felt threatened.
Gandalf grabbed them both by the neck and stuffed them into his very roomy cloak. The hissing and meowing did not miss him.
He took the now useless clothes and stuffed them into the nearest wardrobe before leaving the room. Balin met him in the corridor as he was on his way to Thorin.
He gave Balin a friendly greeting before speaking. “Oh, if you're looking for Thorin, he's asleep right now. He and Dwalin drank too much and then just passed out. You won't be able to wake them up any time soon.”
The dwarf looked puzzled at the door, thanked Gandalf for the information and turned back, accompanying the wizard for a while until he himself disappeared into his room.
Gandalf made his way out as Ori was leaving his room. A twist of fate for the wizard.
“Ori, my friend! You want a cat?” Gandalf tore open his coat and reached into a large pocket. He grabbed the cat with bald spots, suppressed the pain of Thorin's bite and pulled out the brown cat. He practically threw it into Ori's arms. The cat hissed and scratched around, but still looked at Ori with wide calm eyes after it turned away from Gandalf.
“Oh that's very nice of you...but what's her or his name?” Ori called after Gandalf, who was already on his way to leave.
The wizard turned around with a broad smile "This is Dwalin. You two will get along excellently.” He still heard Ori's surprise at the name but did not bother to find an explanation for it.
He left the mountain as quickly as possible. The sun was already rising again as he made his way towards the Shire.
He didn't take very many breaks. At Beon's he let Thorin out of his coat and gave him a fish to eat. Beon found it very amusing that the dwarf king was now a cute little cat, but he soon realised that the cat's claws were very sharp as he tried to cuddle Thorin.
Thorin, meanwhile, was not really happy with his situation. He hid in corners, hissed a lot and scratched anyone who came too close. The poor cat found no peace. Gandalf was merciless, however, and kept stuffing the king back into his cloak, where he thought the cat was safest and where he could make sure Thorin wouldn't sneak away.
The time it took him to get to the Shire and Bag End was also a new record for him. It made the wizard a little proud of himself.
It was late afternoon when he stood outside Bilbo Baggins' door. He knocked with his staff and waited patiently, the cat still in his cloak.
The hobbit opened the door, at first surprised and then with a very warm expression on his face he greeted the wizard.
“I wasn't expecting you. Come in, I just made tea.” Bilbo made room for him and waved him in.
“You know, I'm actually just passing through, I have important wizarding business to attend to. But I have come to give you a gift.”
He stared at the hobbit very insistently, which frightened Bilbo a little.
The manic smile that followed did not really make things any better.
“What kind of gift?” Bilbo asked very cautiously. Actually, he didn't want to know at all.
“You love it!” With that he tore open his coat and pulled a cat out of his pocket, Bilbo didn't know he had pockets there.
The cat was black. But Bilbo also saw scattered white hairs amidst the black. In addition, the cat was very angry with the wizard. The cat tried to scratch the wizard, whereupon Gandalf hissed at the cat to please stop and show some manners.
“He's all yours!" Gandalf, who had grabbed Thorin by the neck, slowly lowered him into Bilbo's arms. The cat, meanwhile, stared at Bilbo, very disturbed and afraid. Gandalf did not quite know which of them looked more disturbed as they stared at each other.
“Thank you?” Bilbo held the cat under his armpits, far away from his face.
“Yes, you always said how lonely you were, so I thought you could use a cat. Have fun. I'm not taking him back.”
Gandalf made a move to leave when Bilbo asked the same question as Ori did back in the Erebor.
“What´s his name?”
And Bilbo, too, got a broad, yet disturbing smile back along with the answer, "Thorin."
Gandalf slammed the door before the hobbit could ask any more questions and set off for Rivendell to finally find the peace he longed for.
He told Elrond pretty much everything and Elrond gave him a lecture about how bad his actions were.
“Why a cat, then? Where would that solve the problems of the four?”
“Because everyone loves cats, that's why. They are small, cute, can't talk, are dependent on their owners and have the rare gift of making people spill out every secret and problem one has!” The wizard sighed and puffed on his whistle once more before speaking.
“Thorin and Dwalin finally have to get on with their lives. I can't bear to see them sitting around crying all the time without doing anything. No one takes the first step because everyone has too much pride, so I take the first step. As cats they can't go away and with a little luck Ori and Bilbo will discuss their problems with them and reveal to them that their love is returned after all. Problem solved.
Everyone will be happy and I can live in peace!” Gandalf stood up during his monologue and waved wildly in the air.
Elrond admired the wizard's plan. It was stupid and would cause many problems. In the end, after all, Gandalf had kidnapped the King of the Dwarves, but as long as the cat magic wore off, it might be all right.
What could the dwarves possibly do in two months without their king?