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"What are the news?"
Haleir's voice was light, tinted with a small smile on his lips. Today wasn't any easier than any other day in the Inquisition, but he learned to find joy in small things. Like visiting Dorian right after this war meeting. Discussing his research on magic, among other things. He was very much looking forward to that.
"Lord Inquisitor.. I.. I am sorry. Your clan.." Leliana couldn't look into Inquisitor's eyes. With a shaky inhale she handed over a letter.
The time suddenly stopped.
No.
The only word in Haleir's head.
He's just overthinking Leliana’s words. There's no way that..
He pretended he didn't understand. That little smile was still on his lips, even if all the warmth from it got lost. He took the letter and tried to control his shaking hands.
'Da'len,
I know not whether this will reach you. The Duke of Wycome is dead, and the soldiers of Wycome blame us. All the elves in the city have been killed, blamed for some plague that only strikes down humans. Now they hunt us as well.
Most of the clan is already dead.
Live well, da'len. You carry Clan Lavellan with you. They are coming for us.'
The message ended abruptly, but there was no mistake. It was the handwriting of Keeper Istimaethoriel.
The whole world started to spin. It was beyond Haleir's comprehension how he was still able to stand. Every sound turned into buzzing noise. His advisors were talking to him, but he didn't understand a word. Didn't even try to. What would be the point..
He reread the letter several times, like it could change the words in it. But nothing has changed. It was there. His clan, his whole family..dead. And it was his fault..
"Inquisitor? Inquisitor!"
He looked up to see Josephine's worrying eyes. She was holding him gently by arm, but he barely acknowledged that. Tears silently rolled down on his cheeks. Any trace of his smile or good mood from a few minutes ago were completely gone.
"I..I need to..go..excuse me.."
He mumbled, hard to say if his advisors even understood a single word, but that was least of his worries right now.. He needed to get out. To breathe some air. To be alone..
He ran out from the War Room before anyone even tried to stop him.
.
Dorian looked up from his book for the millionth time. Those blasted war meetings were getting longer every day. Or maybe he was just impatient to see the Inquisitor again. Or maybe both. It was also possible Lavellan got busy with one of his thousand inquisitor duties. It wasn't like they were planning to discuss something crucial for defeating Corypheus..
Dorian slapped himself in his mind. He should know better than questioning Lavellan. He said he will come after the meeting. And he never gave empty promises.
Dorian looked out of the small window - the sun was almost setting. The meeting should have ended a long time ago.
He stood up and decides to take a walk. Checking up on the Inquisitor will hurt no one, won't it?
.
Dorian casually entered the hall leading to the War Room. It's when he saw Josephine sitting by her desk, busy with some documents, he gets nervous. A bad feeling.
"Excuse my interruption, madame ambassador, but is the War meeting over?" It was hard to overhear the worries in his voice.
Josephine looked up, a bit confused.
"Well yes, for quite some time actually. Why are you asking?"
Dorian frowned. But before he answered Josephine connected the dots.
"The Inquisitor.. He's not with you.."
At this moment the warning bells in his head were ringing like crazy.
"Tell me what happened."
"He..ran off from the meeting. He.. his clan..they didn't survive.." she was barely able to hold back tears.
Dorian knew about the clan Lavellan troubles, Haleir told him about it. He also knew that if possible, his lover would go and help his clan in person.
Dorian started to panic. Haleir presented himself strong, but anyone who knew him better knew he's very sensitive, even after becoming an Inquisitor. He was constantly burdened by all the lives he couldn't save. Yes, it also gave him strength to move forward and to become stronger. But this? Losing his whole clan?? He had to find him and he had to find him quickly.
"Do you know where he is?" Dorian tried to sound as calm as possible, however Josephine's face told him he wasn't very successful.
"No..Do you think he would..? He wouldn't, right?"
He didn't answer. He didn't even want to think about it. Maker, please, let him be mistaken, just this time..
"Let's start with his quarters. If he's not there.. well, he better be there."
.
"Lord Inquisitor?"
They didn't even bother with knocking and rushed right into the Inquisitor's quarters. Dorian somehow felt Haleir wouldn't answer anyway.
They both basically run up the stairs, to see the main room empty. It was cold there, probably because of the open windows.
"Lord Inquisitor?" Dorian repeats, the weird heavy feeling still not leaving his stomach.
Then he sees it. The blood in his veins froze.
Haleir is indeed there. On the balcony. Sitting on the ledge. Barefooted.
Why must he always be right??
"Vishante kaffas..Amatus!"
Josephine behind him gasped loudly, but he was already on his way to the balcony. He must approach him quickly, but carefully. If he startled him.. No! He must stop thinking about it!
"Amatus?" Dorian's voice turned soft, while he slowly kept walking towards Haleir. He wasn't even holding the ledge with hands! He just..sat there. Looking blankly into mountains.
Dorian quickly glanced at the boots, dumped carelessly by the balcony window.
"Amatus please, come inside. It's freezing out here."
Still no answer. Did he even sense his presence?
Dorian swallowed, his throat was completely dry. Just a little bit closer..
"Amatus, please, don't do anything reckless."
No answer. But it wasn't necessary anymore. Dorian took the last step and grabbed the elf into a tight hug. He's not going to fall. Dorian won't let him. He's holding him now. He is not going to fall.
But why was he still so silent? Dorian expected at least a little bit of resistance from being held. Then he realised. Haleir didn't want to jump. He was just mindlessly sitting, freezing, waiting until his body would simply give up and fall down.. Shivers run through the mage's spine.
"They are dead. All of them. Because of me."
Haleir's words were silent, so full of pain yet so empty. And he was so cold.. Maker, how long has he been sitting there? An hour? Or more?
He had to get him somewhere warm, immediately. Dorian looked over his shoulder to Josephine, who was now standing next to him. She was petrified.
"Can you help me get him off this blasted balcony?"
She snapped out and nodded quickly. She then grabbed the Inquisitor's legs so Dorian could hold him in arms, and took him right in front of the fireplace, embracing him in a strong hug. Luckily, he didn't resist. But it also scared him. The elf was completely numb. Like some part of him already died..
Josephine closed the balcony window, hands still shaking.
"I will bring some help."
"No..please..I am..okay.."
Quiet, but pleading words. Lavellan certainly wasn't okay. But.. maybe bringing another person would only worsen the situation.
Josephine wanted to protest but Dorian stopped her.
"It's all right. I will look after him. If anything happens I will personally drag him to a healer."
She didn't look completely convinced, but she decided to trust the Tevinter mage. If nothing else, she knew, he would do anything to protect the Inquisitor. After all, he was the one who came looking for Lavellan. If he wouldn't..
She shook her head to drive away those terrifying thoughts and nods. She grabbed the blanket from the bed and puts it over both men.
"You know where to find me if needed."
Dorian smiled softly.
"Thank you."
She returned the smile and left them.
For a long time there was complete silence. No words, only the sound of the fireplace and howling wind behind the windows. Haleir's head buried in Dorian's chest, warmth slowly coming back to his frozen limbs. Dorian gently stroked his back and put small kisses on his forehead.
"I just.. I can't believe they're gone.. Just like that.. my whole family. I will never see them again.."
Haleir sounded so broken. So empty. Dorian felt tears pushing into his eyes.
"Amatus..I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you're feeling.. But it's not your fault."
The elf clenched his fist into Dorian's shirt. He started to cry again.
"It is.. They trusted me. If I came up with a different plan, they could have..survived."
Dorian's heart was breaking. What could he possibly do to make this better? What could he say? He felt so powerless.
He tightened the hug.
"You don't know that, amatus. You did everything you could to help them. You can't be so hard on yourself.."
Haleir was trembling.
"But how can I believe I can save the world..when I'm not even able to save my clan..those who raised me..my friends and family..I'm the only one left. I.. have nowhere to go back to. I'm alone.."
"You're not alone, amatus. I'm here, and I will stay by your side."
Dorian wasn't certain about many things. But this he knew for sure. It was the least he could do for his lover.
And it was that certainty in Dorian's voice that could finally ease Haleir's pain at least a little bit.
Yes, he had Dorian. What would he do without him, he couldn't even imagine.
He cried, silent sobs filling the otherwise quiet room. It took him a while until he stopped trembling.
"..can you stay for the night? Please.."
Dorian pushed a kiss into messy blond hair.
"Of course, amatus. Tonight or any other night you'll need.
I.."
..why was it still so hard to finish that sentence? He hated himself so much right now.
But all of this was brushed away in a second. The silent response. Dorian needed to hear nothing else.
"..I love you too, ma vhenan ."