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It had been their V live just before their debut day and Jay made a comment about Heeseung making his own ramen. He didn’t actually mean it in a bad way, it was just a joke and when Jake said he would make Heeseung ramen instead Jay didn’t pay much attention. But now it seemed that Heeseung and Jake had taken those words seriously and since then the two date nightly ‘ramen dates’ (as Sunoo calls it) where Jake would make them Ramen and they would eat it. It became part of their ritual. The two of them sitting at that table, eating and talking, no one else’s joining them since this was their time.
It got to a point where Jay missed making Heeseung ramen.
Jay tried offering of course. Asking Heeseung if he wanted Ramen. But most of the time the older said no, saying he would wait for his ‘Ramen time’ with Jake later. Jay tried not to feel hurt by the rejection but it was hard. Jay couldn’t truly explain just how much it hurt seeing Heeseung go to Jake for ramen.
He wasn’t going to say it out loud but Jay secretly liked making it for the older. He liked seeing the smile Heeseung gave when he either asked for it or Jay offered. He liked how cute and excited the older got knowing he would get his favourite food. He liked how Heeseung would often stand beside him as he made it, watching him with those pretty doe like eyes - leaving only at the last minute to set the table. He liked all those things and now he didn’t have them anymore.
Jay had been home with Jungwon, Sunghoon and Niki just sitting around, they got back a couple of hours ago, they had done their slots the day before, only going back to the studio to redo some parts. Heeseung, Jake and Sunoo had been at the company building since the early hours of the morning working hard on recording and practice. Jay tried not to make it obvious just how much he was anticipating the return of the older. Jay knew that since he and Jungwon started dating he hadn’t spend much time with the other, just the two of them and Jay recognised that it was his own fault. Heeseung always made time for everyone, including Jay and Jay hadn’t done the same for him. It was wrong of him and he wanted to fix it.
When the others had arrived it was late evening and Jay realised that this was the perfect time to offer to make Heeseung some ramen knowing his hyung would be hungry. They could hang out and talk.
He watched as the three played a quick fire round of rock, paper, scissors to decided who used the bathroom first. Heeseung won and rushed to the bathroom first, Jake being second and Sunoo being third and complaining about it.
Jay waited patiently for Heeseung to finish showering and getting dressed. When the older stepped into then living room to see what the others were watching Jay took this as a chance to make an offer he was sure his best friend couldn’t refuse.
“Hyung do you want me to make you ramen?” Jay asked, his arm around Jungwon’s shoulder and his boyfriend cuddling into him.
Heeseung turned to him and his eyes briefly filtered between Jay and Jungwon as if Jungwon’s presences was going to help him make up his mind. Heeseung gave him a soft smile and shook his head.
“No it’s fine. Jake will make it” He said.
Oh. Jay thought. I didn’t expect that.
“But Jake’s probably too tired to make anything. I can make it for you” Jay tried again. Heeseung seemed to realise that to and it looked like he was considering his options.
“We never miss our ramen time so if Jake is too tired then I’ll make the ramen for us” Heeseung answered making Jay blink in surprise. That was not how this was meant to go.
“Too tired? Who’s too tried? It’s not me” Jake said emerging from the bathroom holding a towel. “I could never be too tired to make Heeseung hyung ramen”. Jake smile up at the eldest who smiled back brightly.
“Ahh Jake your too kind.... But really if you are tried just let me know. I still have energy so I can make it” Heeseung told the younger male his hand coming up to play with Jake’s hair a little.
“Don’t worry about it hyung. I told you I would always want to make you ramen and that was a promise. But if you feel bad you can help me make it” Jake reassured the oldest who easily agreed to it.
Jay tried to ignore the sour feeling he had as he watched the two. The interaction shouldn’t have bothered him this much, right?
“Lets me go ask Sunoo if he wants some too” Jake nodded towards the bedroom where Sunoo was and Heeseung happily nodded. The two separated with Jake going to the bedroom and Heeseung going to the kitchen.
Jay signed and turned his head back to the TV.
Plan failed then.
Things had been different between them. During iland and some time before their official debut Jay has noticed Heeseung drift away from him. It was only a little and Jay thought it was just because the older was making relationships with the people around them which was why they were never together as often. Then after their debut Jay noticed more distance. It was actually around the same time that Jay and Jungwon announced that they were dating.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jake and Sunoo leave the bedroom to enter the kitchen, Sunoo happily announcing that he was going to join Heeseung and Jake on their ramen date making Sunghoon laugh from his seat next to Niki.
Jay tried to keep his eyes on the TV but the laughter and voices he heard in the kitchen just distracted him, especially Heeseung heart warming laugh.
Having enough and wanting to know what was so funny he decided to head to the kitchen. Jungwon noticed and held his arm.
“Jay hyung where are you going?” Jungwon asked.
“I’m going to get a drink” Jay lied flashing him a smile. Jungwon nodded and let go of him, leaning his head on Niki temporarily.
Jay walked to the kitchen, his eyes finding Heeseung as soon as he entered. The eldest was standing next to Jake smiling as the ramen just finished cooking. The food smelt good and if Jay wasn’t still full from his earlier meal he would have tried to join them. He casually walked in and opened the fridge, taking out a bottle of water and pausing to drink some but really was looking at the trio.
The three soon gathered at the table, Heeseung and Jake sitting on one side whilst Sunoo sat on the other. They started to tuck in the food happily talking about how nice the noodles were about a long day when Heeseung placed his chopsticks down.
“I’m going to get us some water” he announced and turned to the cupboard and took out some glasses for them. Realising Heeseung was going to get water out the fridge Jay placed his bottled downs and opened the fridge, taking out the large sharing bottle and tuning to his hyung who smiled at the gesture.
“Thanks Jongseong-ah” Heeseung said taking the bottle out of his hands. Jay was quick with his next movements and moved his other hand so it came up and went on top of Heeseung’s hands. Jay watched with scrutinising eyes as Heeseung’s smile faltered and his eyes went a little wide at seeing Jay’s hand on top of his, fear flickering in his eyes for a second. However he snapped out of it in less then a second and and looked up at Jay.
Their eyes met and Heeseung smiled again, thanking him as he took bottle out of Jay’s hand fully, their hands no longer touching. Jay swallowed the lump in his throat as his hand dropped to his side and he wanted Heeseung pour a glass of water for the other two before sitting down and continuing with his meal.
Feeling defeated Jay walked out of the kitchen, leaving his water behind. His thoughts plagued with sorry.
Things aren’t the same as before. Why did you react like that to me touching you? You’ve never not liked my touch. Hyung, why did you look so scared? Why did you hide your fear with that pretty smile? Why didn’t you tell me what was it you were afraid of? You’ve put the distance between use that might seem small but feels huge to me. Were still close but you’ve put a barrier between us. A barrier I don’t know how to cross. Why did you do that? Hyung why did you push me away? Why won’t you won’t you let me in?
And why can’t I stop thinking about you Heeseung?