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Yuto knew that he was a quiet man.
Not too quiet, where he hardly said a word or was barely heard — no, he certainly knew how to be loud when he had to, it was all part of his job after all. And it was all part of his character as well. Yuto was also loud.
He knew how to yell out a quick "fighting!" when everyone needed some motivation, or how to cheer the others on, or how to laugh loudly at his members' antics because who can resist their stupidly amazing humour. He knew how to capture the right energy in his raps; make them powerful. How to properly answer questions in an interview; give all the best answers. He knew how to do all of that.
He enjoyed being noisy in the dorms and shouting along with his fans when he performed; he enjoyed being exuberant to coax out a reaction from them.
But what he was, was also a man of little words. For the most part, he preferred staying in the background and letting others do most of the talking. They did a far better job at putting their ideas into something coherent, he thought, and so why speak up when he didn't have to?
Yuto had always found himself happier when sending his messages through physical affirmations. All of the members were touchy people, but he was certainly the clingest out of them.
Holding hands, back hugs, cuddling on the couch — those were all ways that Yuto expressed his love best. He just liked that warmth when they returned the love.
And so he thought that the others understood that of him. That he would tell them he loved them through kind gestures.
But at some point, he started to feel like they were not on the same page. There was an uneasy sense of dissatisfaction whenever he walked away from a member. Did he not say the right words? He would later wonder. Was his tone too harsh? Was the delivery off? He was so sure back then that there wasn't any confusion whatsoever.
The borders between wanting to say more and not knowing what to say meshed into one, and he resorted to shutting himself up. That desire to speak could never be fulfilled if he never actually said what he wanted to say.
So, yes. Shut up, he said. Just shut up so that things don't get even worse.
If he was never able to say that he appreciated the others' efforts — that he loved them dearly, that he thought they looked good today, that he enjoyed listening to them sing... then what was the point?
Something was wrong.
Something was definitely wrong, and Yuto could feel it. But it wasn't something obvious, like an argument, or an overwhelming schedule affecting them all. No, something was wrong with himself, and that was something that only he could figure out.
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Wooseok was trying to show off the part of their latest choreography that he's finally picked up on (much to the relief of Hyunggu and Hwitaek), and Yuto was his audience. The others were all in the room too, but they paid little attention to the performance going on. Most of them scrolled through their phones aimlessly, trying to catch up on the endless sources of information coming through their screens. Others busied themselves with conversations about the piece as they downed their water bottles.
And so, it was just Yuto there to entertain Wooseok. Not that he minded. He loved the boy; he loved every single aspect of him, and he wouldn't mind watching him all day if that made him happy. Though, the pressure of having to provide feedback was a little unnerving. He was still trying to figure himself out, after all, and he was far from ready to be confronted again.
As the tall boy landed on the last beat, he shrieked excitedly (as one does when they nail a difficult dance move, Yuto supposed), thrusting a fist up into the air. Yuto gave him a small round of applause along with a thumbs up, playfully slapping Wooseok's legs when he approached him. That was all he felt was necessary. There wasn't much for him to say — he wasn't Hyunggu, nor was he Hui, so his dancing expertise wasn't top-notch. He also didn't feel like he was there to scrutinize his friend. He was just there to support him, right? Which he did.
Yuto was satisfied with his praise, he thought that the thumbs up conveyed his thoughts well, he thought they were close enough for the other to understand his intentions. But Wooseok continued to stare at him with an expectant look in those big eyes of his and Yuto looked at the floor awkwardly.
"You did a good job, man." He offered, and the other didn't really hide the disappointment at his words. His shoulders slouched and his eyes became a little downcast as his lips turned outwards into a slight pout. Suddenly, Yuto felt disappointed in himself as well, as if he was the one performing, but instead, messed up.
"That's it?" Wooseok asked quietly.
Yuto's eyes darted to the floor as his mind searched for an answer. "I don't know what else to say... It was good."
He nodded. "Oh, okay."
There was nothing he could do to stop his heart from breaking when the boy walked away with a slight sulk.
I know you've worked hard. I know that move doesn't work so well with your tall body. I know your ankle hurts every time you land on the last beat because you twisted it last week. I know you've been keeping quiet about the pain because you don't want to cause trouble.
I know you want more from me.
Yuto knew that he was still in the process of giving the others more, or rather, enough. The amount of love he expresses, the burdens he's carrying, the responsibilities he's taken on. He's begun to think that maybe they really weren't enough. And he's been trying so hard to get better.
But what happened just now reminded him that he was far from enough. That he may never be enough, but at least he could try so that he could at least be a little less pathetic.
From that day on, he put double the effort into doing more.
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When he had a slight disagreement with Hyunggu over the rearrangement of something in their dorms, he had decided to buy him some takeout the next day to make up for it. A little over the top maybe, for something so small, but he felt compelled to do so. He didn't want their friendship to be ruined because of something so petty. For all he cared, Hyunggu could repaint the whole dorms and move Yuto's room to the kitchen overnight and he still wouldn't be angry. He had already moved on, and he still loves Hyunggu to the moon and back.
When he had knocked on Hyunggu's studio door, however, the boy had quietly gestured for him to take a seat and began talking. Like talking, talking.
He recounted the words thrown at each other the other day (though Yuto believes that thrown was too harsh of a word — it was more like a heated discussion) and started bringing his feelings into it. How he had been extra stressed recently with the new project he'd picked up, and how that had resulted in him having thinner patience than usual. He went on to talk about how the lyrics for their new album were really emotional and that they've been messing with his mind because the studio had been his only home recently.
Yuto did not need these explanations. Did Hyunggu not know that he wasn't mad at him? Did Yuto give off the impression that he was mad at him because of the disagreement? In all honesty, he barely remembered the words that left his mouth yesterday.
The entire time Hyunggu spoke, Yuto imagined the food in his hands growing colder with each minute that passed. He started to worry that it wouldn't be as delicious as it was supposed to be and immediately chided himself for focusing on the wrong thing once again.
His composure began to crack.
He didn't have some sort of speech prepared, nor did he come here to discuss their feelings and make amends. To him, they had already resolved the issue the moment they walked away from the problem. That's how it always worked for their group, was it not? He's always watched his members argue about something and then forget about it the next day, acting like it never happened. But apparently, Hyunggu had been dwelling on it for the past day and felt the need to have some good heart-to-heart talk.
Yuto wanted anything but this heart-to-heart talk.
Stuck in his thoughts, he missed out on the past how many minutes has it been now? And he struggled to bring his focus back to the words that were genuinely going into one ear and out the other. But now Hyunggu is crying a little bit and Yuto is lost because nothing is adding up to the way his mind wants things to work.
No matter how hard he tries to ground himself back to reality and stop the room around him from spinning, he still feels like he's on some sort of sick ride that's never going to let him leave. The anxious pit in his stomach begins to grow and there's nothing he can do to stop himself from pinching into his thighs. It's all he could do to feel something out of this confusion.
He can't make out what Hyunggu's trying to say through his quiet blubbering, or if the boy is even speaking because now he's staring straight into his eyes and Yuto can't tell if he's supposed to say something or not.
Should he be nodding? Apologizing? Yelling?
He watches Hyunggu's lips move again, and this time, his brows are furrowed like he's definitely trying to get Yuto to say something. On any normal basis, he usually wouldn't have anything to say in the first place, but now, when he doesn't even know what they're talking about? He could only wave his hand in the air to signal that he'd dismiss whatever was said just now. He did that and proceeded to pray that it would be fitting to the context of Hyunggu's words, but apparently, it did not, for the boy only looked even more concerned.
"..to? Yuto? Are you okay? Please say something." Hyunggu's comforting voice finally brought him back to reality, and he took note of the situation he was in. Hyunggu's hand on his lap, warm and gentle as he tried to stop Yuto from digging his fingers into his thigh. The fan of his PC was humming as it overworked itself with all the programs left open, the clock on his table that flickered to the next minute. He couldn't remember what time it was when he first entered the studio, but now he began to suspect that he's been in here for quite a while.
"Yuto? Please stop crying, you're scaring me." Hyunggu's voice spoke out again, and Yuto hesitantly brought his hand up to his cheek to see if he really was crying.
He was.
A silent kind of crying, where the tears just fall down your face without you even knowing, just like how Yuto is a silent kind of guy who wants to love others without them really knowing.
"I'm fine..." He croaked out, voice a little rough from staying quiet for so long. Yuto cleared his throat awkwardly and stood up, letting Hyunggu's hand fall from his lap.
"No, you're not." The other whispered, but he ignored it.
"I'm just a little tired from everything going on, I didn't mean to cry." He peeked to see the other's expression and saw that Hyunggu was still frowning a little bit.
Yuto, of course, being himself, took it as a sign that he was unhappy with his pathetic response (though his small voice of reason argued that he was concerned) and began to panic. Because he really didn't know how to explain the things he's been feeling. He didn't want to explain the things he's been feeling.
"I'm not mad at you," Yuto added softly and set down the takeout onto the chair that he was previously sitting on. "I bought some food, but it's probably cold now, sorry about that."
Hyunggu began trying to interject his apology, but Yuto was already at the door, half of his body stepping out of the room.
"I hope you enjoy, thanks for talking to me." He muttered out and then shut the door before Hyunggu could truly return to his senses.
And then he fled.
Not to his room in the dorms — no, that would mean having to confront the others with his probably red, puffy eyes — but to his personal studio.
Upon arriving at the solace of his own workplace, Yuto slammed the door shut and let out a constrained scream of embarrassment, guilt, regret. Anything to berate his idiocy. A string of curses thrown against himself slipped quietly from his mouth and he slumped into the chair, head staring up at the unpretentious ceiling.
He didn't know why he was always like this. Acting up in front of the others, getting lost in his thoughts, doing what he thought was right at the time, only to look back on it moment afterward and decide that possibly the worst decision he could've ever made. Sometimes his mind worked in stupid ways, and that just made him believe that he was inherently stupid.
It feels like the expectations placed upon him are always the opposite of what he wishes for them to be.
You need to change. The voice in his head constantly whispered that to him, and it might as well have shouted those words because clearly, Yuto wasn't getting the memo here.
There was a knock on his studio door about an hour later and Yuto muttered out another curse because he didn't remember to lock the door. He didn't answer and instead feigned fatigue.
He was already lying on the couch, work on his computer long abandoned, and simply turned onto his side and closed his eyes.
The knocking got louder but Yuto was persistent and refused to answer. There was some muttering on the other side and his stomach dropped when he realized when there was more than one person trying to reach him.
Then his phone rang, but Yuto let it ring. The annoying, jarring ringtone only made him even more frustrated and he made a mental note to change it to something more peaceful later.
After the fifth ring, the person calling seemed to have given up and the door swung open. He internally groaned at the fact that they couldn't have just given up on him. He didn't deserve their concern in the first place.
"Yuto?" Hyunggu's voice called out softly. Someone else shuffled in and closed the door behind him.
"Oh, so he was asleep." Wooseok.
"He's never fallen asleep in the studio, though?" Hyunggu's voice was laced with worry and he walked over to where Yuto was to place a hand on his shoulder.
"Yuto?" He tried again.
Yuto didn't budge.
"Wooseok I don't think he's okay. He's been so sad and out of it recently and I don't know what's wrong. I can't figure it out, what do we do?"
Yuto could picture the furrowed eyebrows and trembling frown on Hyunggu's face.
"We can't force it out of him if he doesn't want to talk about it." He willed back the urge to cry when he heard the disappointment in Wooseok's tone. You cannot cry, that'll just make everything worse. Have you not done enough crying in front of Hyunggu?
"Can you grab our stuff and call a cab? I'll try to see if I can wake him up, but if not, we should just let him rest here."
Hyunggu — presumably — nodded at that and left the room, leaving just Yuto and Wooseok.
More shuffled went on behind him and he could hear Wooseok clicking away on his computer. After a couple of seconds, he heard the telltale sound of his PC shutting down and Wooseok spoke up.
"You're not actually asleep, are you?"
Yuto shrivelled into an even smaller position on the couch and sniffled as the tears began to fall. He wasn't going to say anything though, and Wooseok could interpret that however he wanted to.
The boy sighed. "We all know there's something wrong man, and we really want to help you, okay? Please lean on us a bit more."
And with that, Wooseok packed away his guitar, turned off his monitor, and then softly shut the door to his studio. His voice echoed in the halls as he greeted Hyunggu, defeat dripping in his voice.
They're disappointed in you. They're losing hope.
Yuto wanted to punch the voice in his head sometimes, and yet he couldn't do anything but agree to it. His internalized issues have started to affect the group and make even more issues — which is an issue in itself.
Too many issues and Yuto had no solutions for them.
He opened his eyes and blinked away the stray tears before shifting onto his back to stare at the LED lights that lit the room up with a neon blue. He glanced at the same walls and ceiling that he's become so accustomed to after years of holing himself up in the studio. Now those walls felt like they were closing in on him, ready to crush him into oblivion.
Yuto didn't mind, because that along with that feeling, was a sense of comfort.
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Yuto always sat in the back during interviews, partly because he was one of the tallest of their group, and it just made sense for him to be there, but also because he enjoyed hiding from the cameras. The others did a better job at talking anyway. Hwitaek often brought attention to him, Hyunggu was always able to keep the conversation going. Hongseok was there to do the translating, Wooseok was there to interject with a stupid comment every so often. And interviews always ended happily with that set-up. Good content was made, the length was satisfactory, the staff was happy with their jokes — everything would go smoothly.
But for some reason, this time, the interviewer wanted to direct a question right at him. It wasn't even a TMI or some general question where the others could pipe in to help him answer. He was left on his own.
"Say, Yuto, why do you always keep so quiet? Some of the fans have been worried about your screen time and how much you're contributing to the team."
... How much he's been contributing to the team, huh.
For a brief moment, Yuto's mind wandered to the many tracks that sat in his WIP folder, the number of times he's taped his body so that he could practice for another hour, the countless late hours spent working on the same lyrics over and over again.
Clearly, they didn't matter; they didn't show. If they did, then his fans, hell, even his members, wouldn't be concerned the way they have been.
When he noticed that the others were staring at him expectantly, he realized he really was alone on this and brushed the thoughts off. If the work he's been doing didn't seem like enough, then mindless excuses won't do him much.
"Well, you know..."
(Yuto himself didn't know, so he wasn't sure how they would know, but that was whatever.)
"The schedules have been a little busy so I've been trying to get back on track with my own work, but it's been a little difficult." Yuto looked straight into the camera and forced out a smile that hopefully reached his eyes.
"Unis~ I'll make sure to work harder and appear in front of the camera more to show you how my efforts will pay off~ I'm sorry for worrying you." He waved cutely and internally cringed at his pitiful demeanour. But he couldn't take it out on his fans — not when they've shown him nothing but concern.
The only person he can take it out on is himself.
Thankfully, the interviewer seemed satisfied with his answer and they moved onto a question directed at Hongseok who replied perfectly, as he always has. Yuto's eyes drifted back to his lap and he wondered if it was hypocritical of him to do so, right after promising to be under the spotlight more. Nevertheless, he continued to pick at the dry skin peeling along his fingers and wasn't able to look up for the rest of the interview. Instead, he drowned in the suffocating thoughts that filled his mind, insulting him for everything he's done.
He did not see the pair of eyes watching him intently.
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"Yah, Yuto, come in here and help me out for a sec."
At some point in time, Yuto began to scratch himself a little too hard. Sounds a little weird, but it was the most he could do, being an idol and all.
He never did it too hard, because that meant wounds and he wouldn't be able to explain to the others why he suddenly woke up one day with little cuts on his face. But he would do it just enough for his skin to tingle and the pain to last more than a couple of seconds. And it was then that he felt a little better. For once he was able to feel something that wasn't just his sadness. Besides, he deserved the pain.
Though he couldn't hold back so much on his hands. There wasn't any comeback he had to worry about these days and he found it much easier to pass off the bandaids on his hands as mere accidents. Playing the guitar a bit too much, getting a paper cut, scratching himself against something, etcetera, etcetera...
They all seemed reasonable, right?
But now Hwitaek was poking his head out of his studio, obviously looking at his hands, and Yuto slowed his subtle shuffling.
"Uh, I was planning to go exercise right now, so maybe later." Yuto blurted out what was probably the flimsiest excuse in the world. He had worked out early this morning, and both of them knew that fact very well because Wooseok was sent to the gym to drag him out of there.
Despite staying silent, Yuto found himself stopping in his tracks to spare another glance at the leader. Hwitaek stared back at him with a knowing look.
"Okay, maybe I have a few minutes to spare." He replied meekly and joined the Hwitaek in his studio.
The moment he sat down on the couch, the other got straight to business. "Is there something wrong? You haven't been yourself for the past few weeks and that interview." He shook his head as he tried to come up with the right things to say. "It was a classic Yuto answer, but there was something off about it."
"Nothing's wrong, could just be some of the stress getting to me, that's it." He replied curtly. They were the same words he's said over and over again to everyone who had asked him if he was alright for the past few days. They were also the same words that he's been telling himself.
If he repeated it enough times, then eventually, they will be true.
"You know that I've been trying to get that mixtape done." He added when it was silent for too long, as if it would support his point.
Hwitaek let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the table. "I'm sorry Yuto, but cut the bullshit. I know it's not that."
Everyone does.
Yuto could read his eyes, the many messages tucked underneath his words. He was already caught before he even knew it himself. Had he always been this obvious?
"It's really nothing, I promise. I'll get out of it soon." He tried and Hwitaek sighed again. Yuto wondered just how much distress he'd put onto the other unintentionally. It began to make him feel even worse.
"Please," His leader waited for Yuto to look up at him. "Is it because you don't trust us?"
"No!" Yuto quickly interjected but the other continued as if nothing happened.
"You know we love you, right? All of us. We all love you so much and we want you to be happy, Yuto, and we can tell that you haven't been happy recently. We want to help you — I want to help you — but we can't do that if you don't tell us anything."
Yuto was closer to tears than he wanted to be and he averted his eyes. "I-I don't know what's wrong though." He said weakly, and Hwitaek joined him on the couch to wrap an arm around his shoulder.
"So it's not something between you and someone else? You didn't fight with anyone?"
"No, it's not that." Yuto shook his head confidently. "I just — it just feels like I'm starting fights with everyone else though."
He paused and took a deep breath. Hwitaek patiently waited for him to continue.
"It's the way I talk. That's what it is." His voice broke a little and the other pulled him closer into his warmth. "It sounds so stupid but I can't communicate the way other people do. I can't communicate the way I know you guys want me to and that's just how I work. But I know it's tearing us apart and making everyone disappointed and ruining the entire definition of teamwork and—"
"Hey, woah, woah, woah." Hwitaek cut him off softly. "Don't say that. You can't say that, it's not true at all. You know we all love you, right?"
Yuto couldn't find it in himself to even nod.
"I think I know what you're talking about." The other continued when he didn't speak up. "I'll admit, it's made me upset sometimes too — when you didn't give me the reaction I was expecting or it felt like you were holding back on saying what you wanted to say. But then I thought to myself: there must be a reason why he's acting this way, right? Your love language is a little different from ours, and we all just need to realize that."
"I thought you guys realized that a long time ago..." Yuto admitted quietly, and he felt a little selfish for making it sound like it was their fault.
"I think we did..." Hwitaek said. "I think we did, but then we started to forget about it a little bit as time passed, you know? We're so caught up on our work, we tend to forget all these little details because there's so much to think about. Not that we wanted to forget such an important fact about you. We would never do that purposely, but I think we all needed a little reminder about what makes you comfortable."
"Please don't think I'm trying to make this your fault," Yuto hurriedly replied. "It really isn't, I know that it's about me and I'm trying to fix —"
"It's not your fault either. Don't ever think that this is your fault." In the corner of his eye, he saw his leader look down at his lap. "I also want to talk about your hands, but we can save that discussion for later. Let's focus on one thing at a time, alright?"
Yuto was sniffling now, but he had no tears left to cry, and he simply leaned on Hwitaek's shoulder, agreeing to his words. "So what am I supposed to do?"
"What if we talk about it with the others? I can assure you, 100%, they will all understand. Like I said, I think we all just need a little reminder about your habits and there's literally no reason for us to love you less because of them. In fact, we'll only be loving you more." He smiled.
Yuto pursed his lips. "What did I do to deserve this?"
"Uh, you existed?" Hwitaek's tone was more teasing than hesitant. "You don't need to have done something for us to love you, Yuto. You being who you are is already a gift that we're grateful for every day. Which is why we want you to be happy, and why we would do anything to make you smile again."
Yuto giggled a little. Like genuinely giggled at Hwitaek's words and he wasn't sure why, because there wasn't anything funny to it, but he guessed he was just relieved. The weight on his chest was still there. It was definitely still there, but it at least felt a little lighter now. Breathing was a little easier, thinking was a little easier, now that his mind wasn't so loud. Maybe his future will be a little easier too?
"I also want to smile again." He whispered, and Hwitaek patted his shoulder before standing up.
"And there's no rush to it, but I'll look forward to seeing a happier Yuto soon." He held out a hand for Yuto to take and lifted him off the couch. His hand lingered in his, appreciating the small gesture of comfort, before letting go.
"Do you want to go talk about it with the others right now?"
Yuto shook his head. "I think I want to save that for tomorrow. Can we go grab something to eat instead? If you're not busy."
Hwitaek glanced at his phone, reading that it was almost midnight, but hummed in agreement nevertheless. "Sure. The restaurants might be closed now, but we can get some snacks at the convenience store."
They both left the studio and took the elevator down to the lower floor, taking in the fresh nighttime air when they finally stepped out. It was nice to have some peace in the normally buzzing city.
"Um, also..." Yuto trailed off, waiting for his friend to turn around. "Could we hold hands?"
He asked that timidly, almost afraid that he would come off too clingy or desperate, despite their conversation about communication. His shoulders relaxed though when Hwitaek simply gave him a big smile and took one of his hands. His warmth spread all over his body, and soon Yuto didn't mind the cold wind that stung the tips of his fingers.
"I love you, Yuto." Hwitaek suddenly said, and a car whizzed by before he spoke up again. "We all love you."
"Thank you." He whispered back and they turned the corner. The bright lights of the store was a stark contrast from the dark sky. A couple exited through the door, loudly chatting with each other, bags full of drinks in their hands. A stray cat nearby meowed at them before disappearing over a fence. An old lady was busy sweeping the front porch of her house, illuminated by the lamp above her, and Yuto silently wondered why she was up so late. So many people were living their own lives around them, each in their own world, and the thought was a little overwhelming, so Yuto looked down at Hwitaek to ground himself.
Yes, many things were happening, but right now, Hwitaek is by his side and his hand is warm. Hwitaek is by his side and he understands him. He is by his side because he's patient and kind; because he wants Yuto to be comfortable with himself.
Hwitaek is by his side because he loves him.
Yuto tugged on the other's fingers a little to grab his attention.
"I love you too."