The Startling Secret Identity of The Batman

by Nokomis

Summary:

Good evening, super-sleuths! Boy, do we have a treat for you today. We’re delving into one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of the modern era. The million-dollar question. The billion-dollar question, if one of these theories holds water.

That’s right. We’re gonna risk life, limb and sanity by asking the question… who is The Batman?

[In-universe Buzzfeed Unsolved accidentally stumbles on Batman’s secret identity. The Batfam reacts.]

Notes:

This fic came in a burst of inspiration after making a comment to Hinn_Raven about how funny it would be if, in the DCU, Buzzfeed Unsolved accidentally solved something this huge, then laughed it off as ridiculous, and how much fun the Batkids would have with that. This is complete; the first part is a transcript of the fake episode in question, and coming soon will be the reactions. ♥ Thanks to perspexsea for looking over this, and thanks to Hinn for one of the references/encouragement!

Chapter 1

This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved: Capes

The Startling Secret Identity of The Batman

 

Ryan: Good evening, super-sleuths! Boy do we have a treat for you today. We’re delving into one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of the modern era. The million-dollar question.

[giggle]

Ryan: The billion-dollar question, if one of these theories holds water.

Shane: Oh, boy.

Ryan: That’s right. We’re gonna risk life, limb and sanity by asking the question… who is Batman?

Shane: Yeah, we’re definitely gonna crack that mystery.

Ryan: I mean… the name of the show is unsolved…

Shane: Our lofty aims are to pull the right name out of a hat for the most closely guarded secret identity in the world.

Ryan: I mean, maybe it’s so closely guarded because it’s obvious as hell?

Shane: Does that… does that seem accurate?

Ryan: I mean, why else would he hide his face so diligently?

Shane: Maybe he’s self-conscious! Like, you know that Batman isn’t actually a known figure. Ain’t nobody got time for that. But it just feels kind of gross thinking of Batman as some average schlub, you know? No one wants to picture him sitting alone in his one-bedroom shithole eating beans out of a can.

Ryan: It really takes the romance out of it for me.

Shane: You’re romanticizing Batman? Ryan, are you gonna try to romance the Bat? Is that why you wanna figure out what’s under that big scary mask? [kissy face]

Ryan: Shane, if Batman shows up in your house and breaks your teeth, you deserve it.

Shane: I welcome him to try.

 

THEORY 1: The Professional

 

Ryan: So this theory is flexible, but I enjoy it a lot. There’s a lot of chatter on the ole interwebs that led me to this one.

Shane: Flexible doesn’t sound definitive. I thought we wanted to put a name and a face to the Dark Knight.

Ryan: We’re gonna do our darndest. My first theory hinges on the fact that Batman is built like a brick shithouse.

Shane: That’s universally agreed, yeah.

Ryan: Who else is built like a brick shithouse?

Shane: Um. Any number of--

Ryan: [interrupting] Here’s a clue: we can smell what he’s cookin’.

Shane: No.

Ryan: That’s right, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Shane: Like, I’ll give you the fact that he’s definitely shredded enough to be Batman, but isn’t he a little, you know, busy? I feel like you wouldn’t have time to pursue an acting career if you were moonlighting as the world’s best-known vigilante.

Ryan: But that’s the brilliance of this theory. No one would suspect him!

Shane: Doesn’t he live… not in Gotham? And like, he’s Hawaiian, right? Why would he give a shit about some craphole in New Jersey?

Ryan: Are you insinuating that The Rock would just let a whole city crumble into lawlessness if he had the means and ability to save it?

Shane: Yes, yes, I am. And besides, he’s not giving the people’s eyebrow in that costume.

Ryan: But that’s the brilliance of the uniform design. He could be giving everyone the people’s eyebrow all the time and we wouldn’t notice.

Shane: And like… not to be that guy or anything but… isn’t Batman a little too white?

Ryan: Yeah, that’s one flaw in that theory.

Shane: I mean, the entire concept of dressing up as a freaking bat and punching crime in the face is peak white nonsense. I am also a firm believer that Batman is a big fan of like, Bauhaus. Dude’s a goth-ass bastard if I’ve ever seen one.

Ryan: Noted. I’m going to be honest, I think that the most likely realistic Batman suspect would be someone in a similar field to The Rock, but like… a retired MMA fighter or something. Some dude who is jacked as hell, suddenly has free time, and has a grudge against society.

Shane: Yeah, that scans.

Ryan: But I’m trying to lend credence to several theories I’ve come across. I’ll throw another one out, though this one doesn’t deserve a full theory placard. This consideration in the field of Non-Gothamite Celebrities That Twitter Suspects To Be Batman is Oliver Queen.

[picture of blond man with moustache and goatee]

Shane: ...you’re fucking kidding me, right?

Ryan: He has very muscular arms for a businessman.

Shane: The only part of Batman’s skin we can see is his mouth. This dude is running around with the most distinct facial hair since Burt Reynolds. I refuse to spend any time discussing this as a real possibility.

Ryan: I’m just trying to give voice to all the popular theories out there.

Shane: Did Oliver Queen himself post that theory? It’s a dud, Ryan.

Ryan: I mean, none of the theories are really amazing, if we’re gonna be honest here.

Shane: Besides, that dude is clearly Green Arrow.

Ryan: Huh. Yeah, you’re right.

Shane: And on a personal note, it makes me weirdly uncomfortable to picture Batman as a blond? Is that… is that prejudiced of me? Somehow? I just don’t like picturing him pulling off his bat-ears to unleash flowing blond hair.

Ryan: What kind of hair do you think Batman has?

Shane: Well, uh… I guess I would think some sort of buzzcut? Wouldn’t he get like serious hat-hair otherwise? Oh no. What if Batman is balding? What if he chose that look specifically to hide his chrome dome?

Ryan: There’s nothing wrong with male pattern baldness, Shane.

Shane: Still makes me uncomfortable to imagine. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with Batman being like… a person.

Ryan: This is gonna be an uncomfortable episode for you, then.

 

THEORY 2: The Fugitive

 

Ryan: Hold onto your socks for this one, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Shane: Did you just mix metaphors? On this refined show?

Ryan: Our second major contender for the title of Batman is… [does dramatic drumroll on table] ...D.B. Cooper!

Shane: The plane guy? The one who fell into a swamp?

Ryan: It wasn’t a swamp, and it’s unproven that he fell into it. What is proven is that we have a man who was willing to go big or go home, who disappeared with a large sum of money, who had the panache for drama that transforming oneself into Batman would require….

Shane: I hate that I don’t hate this theory.

Ryan: Just picture it. There’s ole Deebs, wandering through the woods with his ill-gotten gains, thinking to himself, ‘What now?’ and lo and behold… a bat! Silhouetted against the moon!

Shane: So he takes that as a sign?

Ryan: He takes it as a goddamn sign, and he devotes his money and talents to a new pursuit, now that he’s reached as high as the hijacking trade can take you. He becomes… The Batman!

Shane: My only issue with this, actually, is that ole Deebs isn’t quite the whippersnapper that Batman has to be.

Ryan: Do you really think Batman is a whippersnapper?

Shane: I mean. I assume? I wouldn’t think that he could do all that hero-ing if he had bad knees or his back was prone to giving out.

Ryan: I think rich people can just… opt out of that.

Shane: Do you. Do you think Batman just buys new knees when he wears his out?

Ryan: Kinda, yeah.

Shane: So Deebs has the money and the time… not totally sold on the motivation, but… eh!

Ryan: Two out of three ain’t bad.

THEORY 3: The Playboy

Ryan: This theory is my personal favorite, if only because it’s fucking hilarious and also… this is a public figure I could dig up a lot of dirt on.

Shane: Axl Rose! No, wait… John Travolta!

Ryan: I… what?

Shane: Just giving the ole guesseroo. Carry on.

Ryan: My third theoretical Batman is none other than Gotham’s sweetheart…. [drumrolls on table] Bruce Wayne!

Shane: Oh.

Ryan: What?

Shane: I thought, you know. You usually have a theory with some meat to it.

Ryan: Bruce Wayne has meat.

Shane: I feel like his meat is… not beefy enough to be Batman. Bruce Wayne’s more of a hot dog, y’know? Batman’s a wholeass steak.

Ryan: But what if the hot dogging is just an elaborate front? A guise, if you will.

Shane: That’s a whole lotta fronting.

Ryan: Just stick with me here. There are a lot of layers here. You have this kid with literally the entire world at his fingertips, and I believe he chose to be the change he wanted to see in the world.

Shane: So like… little spoiled rich boy just woke up one morning and chose violence?

Ryan: I mean… I assume it was deeper than that. Bruce Wayne is a bit of a strange guy, when you look at it. Born into incredible wealth, his parents were both from these old-money Gotham families.

Shane: Like the mob? Isn’t all Gotham money mob money?

Ryan: Now, maybe, but not back then! Martha Kane was a socialite known for being a bit of a hardass. She married Thomas Wayne, a surgeon who owned the freaking hospital.

Shane: What, did he just like cutting people up? Why would you choose one of the most grueling jobs possible when you were already rich as hell?

Ryan: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that famous philanthropist Thomas Wayne did not, actually, go to medical school and become a surgeon because he liked cutting people up.

Shane: That’s what he wanted you to think.

Ryan: Moving on. Bruce Wayne was their only child, and when he was eight, his parents were shot and murdered in front of him in Crime Alley.

Shane: Who the fuck was in charge of naming shit in Gotham? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there also a Murder Avenue? A Robbery Road?

Ryan: I think my focus here was more on the trauma and the tragedy of two successful people being murdered for basically no reason at all in front of their young son...

Shane: Well, you shouldn’t have said the words Crime Alley then. Jesus. Why does anyone live in Gotham at all?

Ryan: Young Bruce was then transferred to the custody of their butler--

Shane: Wait. Wait. Wait.

Ryan: Yes?

Shane: You’re telling me that they looked around for parents for this shiny new billionaire orphan, and said, “I know! Let’s let the butler do it!”

Ryan: That is exactly what happened, yes.

Shane: Did the butler love him though? Was he secretly Bruce’s real father? Oh man. I bet he was. Thomas Wayne, workin’ long nights at the hospital chopping into people, and there’s hot-to-trot Martha, looking around her big lonely mansion….

Ryan: We’re gonna get sued so hard. Probably Bruce Wayne is going to buy youtube and perma-ban us. We’re gonna have to work fast food after this.

Shane: I’m just saying! It’s a fishy situation.

Ryan: Moving on! So we have on our hands a highly traumatized child who grows up with the wealth to accomplish pretty much anything he sets his mind on… and he becomes just this buffoon who falls into fountains and crashes fancy cars?

Shane: I mean, I’m pretty sure that he does a lot of charity, too. Isn’t Bruce Wayne like, New Jersey’s answer to Dolly Parton? All glitz and tits, but also into doing public works?

Ryan: He is, but wouldn’t he be even more of a Dolly if we found out that he was also Batman?

Shane: Actually what would be cool would be if he opened his own theme park. Like instead of Dollywood--

Ryan: Brucewood? Sounds like a Yankee Candle.

Shane: Wayne’s World! Holy shit. Brucie, if you’re watching this and aren’t mad about insinuations I made about your mother, pay me for the idea of opening your own theme park and naming it Wayne’s World.

Ryan: So anyway, moving on, the weird thing about Bruce Wayne is that when he just fucked off for like, years.

Shane: What do you mean, fucked off for years?

Ryan: I mean that ole Brucie-Bruce took off from Gotham and no one saw or heard from him for actual years, then he just came back to town and pretended like he’d never disappeared.

Shane: Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he just decided to live the hermit lifestyle and then once he got tired of his house, he went back outside again. It’s probably a big-ass house. Maybe he got lost in it.

Ryan: How is that less weird than fucking off to who knows where?

Shane: You know my role here is to offer practical explanations for things. That’s my explanation. Take it or leave it.

Ryan: The point is, this rich kid, who by all accounts was kind of a nerd in school, took off into the world, no one saw or heard from him for multiple years, then he came back the Bruce Wayne we know today.

Shane: How does his himbofication tie into your Batman theory?

Ryan: I’m saying that maybe, the himbo thing is a front, and he was off training to be Batman and, I don’t know, trying out different uniform styles? Learning how to make people gargle teeth? Practicing cape swishes in front of the mirror?

Shane: Oh, yes, the ole spend your every waking moment pretending to be a fucking moron just so you can make some crime-doers gargle some teeth at night when you could instead be in your hot tub eating mountains of sushi. Makes sense.

Ryan: Like, if you think about the implications of this theory, it’s honestly fucking hilarious. Like, does he lie to his butler-daddy about what he’s up to? Gets home from a big night of bustin’ heads and breakin’ bones and has to fib about where he’s been? Is Batman sneaking into his own window at night?

Shane: [giggles] Butler-daddy giving him the ole why I oughta! when he catches Brucie-Bats climbing into the window. This theory is obviously garbage but I’m loving it.

Ryan: No, but… we all remember the Lex Luther thing, right? From that celebrity golf thing? Where Bruce fuckin’ Wayne accidentally did a practice swing of his nine-iron right into Luthor’s family jewels?

[screenshot of a headline: Billionaire Ball-Buster]
[image of Bruce Wayne with an oopsie face standing over Lex Luthor, curled up on the putting green, clutching his nether region]

Shane: I definitely remember that Bruce Wayne pulled a fuckin’ Steve Urkel Did I do that? after, then offered Luthor a hand-up calling him old sport, and like, at the time, it was just this hilarious thing where an idiot finally got the best of a supervillain just by… swanning along being an idiot

Ryan: But what if… What if this theory holds true. What if Bruce Wayne is, in fact, the goddamn Batman.

Shane: Well, Ryan, that would mean that Lexie-baby got a boot to the fruit by none other than Batman himself, and then apologized for it, which makes it even fuckin’ funnier than it was before.

Ryan: Like, if we didn’t think he was a hero before

Shane: Goddamn legend is what he is

Ryan: Definitely the redeeming factor of this theory is that in order for it to be true, Batman can’t be just this grim nightmare spectre of a vigilante. He has to be this hilarious son of a bitch, too.

Shane: Can you imagine how much that would fuck with the Joker? Like talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. Like, guess what, buckaroo, I’ve been funny the entire goddamn time

Ryan: Can you imagine? Your whole schtick is being this unfunny chaos clown and it turns out... [snort] It turns out… that your stoic dark knight of vengeance? Has been clowning you.

[wheeze]

Shane: Like, you’d just have to fuck off forever at that point, right? There’s no coming back from that. You gotta throw away the whole shebang.

Ryan: Seriously though. Like, imagine knowing that you’ve had your teeth smashed out multiple times by someone who was better at your schtick than you were and who never even bothered to tell anyone.

Shane: Really your only choice at that point would be to curl up and die

Ryan: We can only hope

Shane: Wait, wait, wait. Speaking of schticks…

Ryan: What?

Shane: Didn’t Bruce adopt a circus-orphan? Like. that was a thing that happened. Hang on, I’m gonna fuckin’ google…

Ryan: No need, Shane-eroni. I have all the pertinent facts to the case.

Shane: Please tell me that Batman has a clown-child. Please tell me that even his kid can out-schtick the Joker. That’s all I need out of this episode. That’s all any of us need.

Ryan: It’s actually better than that, really.

Shane: Nothing could be better than a clown-baby, Ryan, don’t be ridiculous. Imagine how fuckin’ terrifying that would be. No wonder nothing intimidates the Batman, if he goes home to a little baby clown honking around his mansion.

Ryan: It was a baby trapeze artist, actually.

Shane: Oh. [pause] That’s kind of disappointing, actually, I was really getting into picturing the clown baby. Little wig all askew, giant shoes on teensy feet…

Ryan: Shane. Think about it. Who hangs out with Batman?

Shane: Superman?

Ryan: [facepalm] Think smaller.

Shane: Oh! That lil dude! Robin!

Ryan: Wouldn’t it be handy if, say, Robin were capable of doing death-defying stunts? Like a baby trapeze artist would?

Shane: Yeah, but that would be like. Irresponsible. There aren’t safety nets in Gotham. I always assumed that Robin was like... A tiny man. Or had superpowers.

Ryan: Okay, I hate to be the buzzkill, but… I’ve got some unfortunate news about how our baby trapeze artist became an orphan

Shane: Oh no. I forgot about the orphaning part of being an orphan.

Ryan: Check your privilege, Shane.

Shane: So sorry, baby trapeze artist, if you’re watching this. Hope that you’re doing okay with your billionaire daddy.

Ryan: Shane, how did you manage to make it worse?

Shane: Shit. Can we just move on to the next theory?

 

THEORY 3.2: Sidekick Supermarket

 

Shane: Wait, theories can have decimals? What is this whackadoodle nonsense?

Ryan: Well, it’s a sub-theory. A theory related to the Bruce-Wayne-is-Batman theory.

Shane: Well, beguile us.

Ryan: Be--- no. No, I will not beguile you, but I will bedazzle you with my wits. See, this is an image of The Flying Graysons.

[image of a circus poster featuring trapeze artists]

Shane: Nice form.

Ryan: And nice uni-forms. Notice anything about the color scheme?

Shane: They like Christmas?

Ryan: No! It’s the same colors as the OG Robin uniform! Look at this shit.

Shane: I mean… yeah, but they are ALSO Christmas colors. It’s not like Batman filed a patent for the color scheme. They’re fucking primary colors. It’s every kindergarten classroom, all splashed onto one horrifyingly cheeky uniform.

Ryan: Green isn’t a primary color.

Shane: You know what I fuckin’ meant, smartass.

[image of Robin]

Ryan: You don’t think that this dude grew up in a circus? You don’t think that this isn’t the outfit choice of someone raised by clowns?

Shane: I mean, valid. But if he’s an orphan, it probably isn’t okay to make fun of him like…

Ryan: You do realize Bruce Wayne is an orphan too, right?

Shane: ...but I don’t wanna stop making fun of Bruce Wayne.

Ryan: So we just acknowledge that we’re terrible people and continue with our mockery?

Shane: Done and done.

Ryan: So the Bruce Wayne is Batman theory also leads to the sub-theory--

Shane: --decimal theory! --

Ryan: That he subsequently adopts children who are recruited into his habit of vigilantism.

Shane: Like he’s visiting the Sidekick Supermarket and only goes down the Exceptionally Talented Orphans aisle.

Ryan: Bingo. [finger guns]

Shane: Pretty sure finger guns are insensitive when talking about a man orphaned by gun violence.

Ryan: ...crap. Sorry, Mr. Maybe-Batman. But anyway, we touched on the whole Jason Todd thing in a previous video.

Shane: It was, in retrospect, perhaps tacky to tackle a story of a murdered child in puppet form.

Ryan: Please remember, Mr. Wayne, we only respectfully… re-enacted conspiracy theories about your child’s murder… using puppets…

Shane: Shit, if he really is Batman, we’re absolutely gonna get all our teeth knocked out, aren’t we? We’ll be Mr. and Mr. Gummy-mouth. And we’ll have deserved it.

Ryan: Anyway, so moving on… Bruce Wayne has more children than just the dead one and the circus baby. He also adopted his neighbor’s kid after he was tragically orphaned.

[picture of Timothy Drake-Wayne; clearly a yearbook photo from early in his high school career. His hair is parted in the middle and he appears to be wearing a shirt decorated with parrots.]

Shane: Lotta tragic orphaning going on in Gotham.

Ryan: It’s kind of what the city’s known for. And there’s a daughter who has somehow never done any interview that I could find on the internet, despite being adopted by one of the richest men on the planet when she was in her late teens.

[picture of Cassandra Wayne, a young woman wearing giant sunglasses and Gucci sweats; clearly a paparazzi shot of her with a giant ice cream cone, a giggling blonde leaning into her shoulder]

Ryan: Then another child, allegedly biological, though how someone as cheerful as Bruce Wayne could produce such an angry looking baby…

[picture of Damian Wayne; wearing a teensy tuxedo and scowling, arms crossed across his chest]

Shane: Okay though, I thought that Bruce Wayne was like, a total slut.

Ryan: Shane, we don’t slut-shame here on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Shane: Zero shame! I’m just saying. Instead of a larger conspiracy about Bruce Wayne being a secret badass vigilante who keeps adopting children who are secret ninja warrior champs, what if… hear me out... What if he’s just bad at wrapping it up? What if these are all his biological kids? I mean, look at ‘em! Every single one of them has his hair!

[all the pictures of the Wayne children, including the deceased Jason Todd, in a row underneath a shot of Bruce Wayne. All have dark hair.]

Ryan: Are you saying that my theory is incorrect because you think Bruce Wayne is too slutty to be Batman?

Shane: I’m not qualified to speak on Batman’s relative sluttiness, Ryan, I’m just saying that a rich dude who keeps popping up with more and more kids with his hair and eye color is probably just getting hit with paternity suits left and right and every so often, a kid gets a match and a ticket to Wayne Manor. Wayne’s World, if you will.

Ryan: I hate that I agree with you. It’s so mundane.

Shane: It’s the truth, is what it is

Ryan: Of course, Bruce Wayne has been accused of a myriad of scandalous things before, including being a superhero.

[Picture of headline accusing Bruce Wayne of being the Blue Beetle]

Ryan: And I found a really perplexing video from someone claiming that they were once on a boat with Bruce Wayne, and he got stabbed with a sword, but the sword broke. Which implies that Bruce Wayne is invulnerable--

Shane: Wait, back the fuck up. Who the fuck is going to a billionaire’s boat party and stabbing him with a sword?

Ryan: That was the part of the story you found unbelievable?

Shane: It could have been a shitty sword. Shitty swords break all the time.

Ryan: Do you… do you have much experience with swordplay?

Shane: The internet is going to have a field day with anything I say in response to that question.

Ryan: [giggles]

Shane: But don’t we have like, weird amounts of footage of Bruce Wayne looking beat all to hell? Doesn’t he wreck a Ferrari like every other week? How the fuck does he still have a license?

Ryan: Money. Money is the answer to that question. But yes. There are inconsistencies with the story, since we do in fact see Bruce Wayne beat all to hell 100% more of the time than we do any other billionaire. And that includes Lex Luthor.

Shane: Who has a get beat up by Superman kink if I’ve ever seen one.

Ryan: ...do you come across that kink often?

Shane: Don’t we all?

Ryan: I’m so glad that we can slut-shame Batman and kink-shame a supervillain in the same video. We’re definitely gonna die.

Shane: At least we can die with our dignity intact. Unlike that kinky bastard Lex Luthor.

Ryan: [face on the table, shoulders shaking uncontrollably]

 

THEORY 4: The Otherworldly

 

Shane: Is it gonna be aliens?

Ryan: [face frozen in, finger up, like he’s about to impart great wisdom] [unfreezes] Um.

Shane: Batman isn’t aliens.

Ryan: Superman’s an alien.

Shane: Yeah, famously so. Batman’s from the city that said fuck your alien nonsense. Batman’s not aliens.

Ryan: Maybe Batman keeps aliens out of Gotham because he’s an alien-enemy of the other Earth aliens.

Shane: ...did. Did that sentence make sense in your head?

Ryan: Unfortunately, yes.

Shane: Do we have another theory?

Ryan: Well…

 

THEORY 5: The Dark Night-dweller

 

Ryan: This theory is a bit of a stretch--

Shane: More of a stretch than Bruce Wayne or aliens?

Ryan: This theory subscribes to the school of thought that the Batman couldn’t possibly be a mortal being, and thus, must be a true creature of the night.

Shane: Oh no.

Ryan: [hits hands on table dramatically] Batman’s an ancient vampire.

Shane: No.

Ryan: Hear me out--

Shane: Does this theory end with Batman climbing into a bat-shaped coffin every dawn?

Ryan: I’m not sure how comfortable a bat-shaped coffin would be for a man-shaped vampire…

Shane: This theory is bullshit and I refuse to subscribe to it.

Ryan: Yeah, I don’t love it either.

 

THEORY 6: The Derriere

 

Shane: Is this another mythological creature?

Ryan: This is about a dear friend.

Shane: Oh shit, Ryan, it’s sweet to be considered, but you know I’m not Batman, right?

Ryan: I was talking about our friend Mothman.

[image of Mothman statue] [image of Mothman statue’s derriere]

Shane: Don’t do it. Ryan, that meme is dead.

Ryan: [maniacal laughter] But the butts match!

[image of Batman from rear; cape covers the bat-butt]

Shane: Batman isn’t known for packing junk in that trunk, though. That’s Nightwing.

Ryan: Are you suggesting that Mothman is actually Nightwing?

Shane: I mean, name-wise, it makes more sense, as Mothman does, in fact, have wings and is nocturnal. Whereas bats are natural predators of moths….

Ryan: You know, fair point. Nightwing is actually Mothman.

Shane: Case solved! We did it!

[fistbump]

Ryan: So those are the theories. Shane, any thoughts on which one is most likely?

Shane: None? Because obviously Batman doesn’t have time to be some public figure. He’s just… Batman. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do that, to stay that jacked, and have a secret life. I refuse to believe anyone has that much gumption.

Ryan: If anyone had the gumption, it’d be Batman.

Shane: Ugh. If I had to pick one of our theories… I’m kind of digging D.B. Cooper. It has that wildly unorthodox crossover appeal that makes it just crazy enough to be true.

Ryan: Obviously my pick is Bruce Wayne. Too many coincidences to just ignore!

Shane: Like, I’m not denying that it’s entertaining as hell, but that’s why I… I just can’t believe it. The universe doesn’t love us enough to make something as batshit insane as Bruce Wayne, twenty-first century dilettante, the actual goddamn Batman.

Ryan: But the facts!

Shane: Circumstantial at best. Besides, what about all those times that Bruce Wayne got saved by Batman?

Ryan: It’s not like the Batman outfit is super glued to his body, he could lend it out.

Shane: Are you suggesting that Batman lets other people put their sweaty balls in his million-dollar outfit?

Ryan: ...probably he has more than one. Right? He’d have to. Wouldn’t it get smelly otherwise?

Shane: Oh god, has anyone ever reported what Batman smells like? Does he stink? Is the man going around saving the universe while smelling like corn chips and farts?

Ryan: If any of you out there have met Batman, please drop in the comments what he smells like.

Shane: [muttering to himself] Corn chip-smelling motherfucker.

Ryan: Do you think the Batman suit is machine-washable?

Shane: Is he handwashing that thing? Is he sitting there in his Gotham shithole apartment scrubbing Killer Croc blood and Joker teeth out of his cape in his sink?

Ryan: That’d be hell on the plumbing.

Shane: Do you think there’s some plumber out there who knows the identity of the Batman because he’s pulled a bunch of-- [snort] -- a bunch of fuckin’ Joker teeth out of the sink trap?

Ryan: God, I hope so. Wait, how would he know they were Joker teeth and that this dude wasn’t just a normal Gotham serial killer?

Shane: They’re probably green or some shit. Or they chatter on the counter like those… like those fucking joke teeth? The wind-up kind? Wait, what if that’s what the Joker has now. Batman has knocked out so many of his teeth that… Arkham was too cheap to buy dentures so they… they gave him fucking joke teeth. For his joke-ass mouth.

Ryan: Are we going for a record here? Most potential death-threat-inspiring comments in one video?

Shane: I ain’t scared of no joke.

Ryan: On that note… Today we’ve discussed in length possible identities of the Batman, and all I can say is… I really fucking hope no one we mentioned watches this video. This has been… Unsolved!