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There’s a poster reading, “It's too cold for the angels to fly and too warm for the devils to die.”
I snort at that, as these inspirational quotes surely can't bring up death, especially in a hospital of all places. So is the poster with the oddly cute cat image and unnecessary quote that you'd always find at book fairs supposed to say that humans are too cold, yet too warm? Maybe the world? Perhaps it's suggesting how us humans can't let our angels go but we won't let our devils die either? You know, this poster is one hell of an oxymoron. I hate oxymorons.
The cup of freshly brewed coffee that rests in my hand is steaming, and I'm almost afraid to take a sip. Then I remember that I've encountered Annie fucking Leonhart many times, and if I survived those, then surely I'm invincible. I wonder if some ancient deity or god is on my side. I finish my coffee and toss it in a nearby trash can, mentally thanking myself that I didn't miss the opening.
I find myself soon bored of the childish and totally inspirational posters that I take a seat in one of the chairs around me and pull out my phone instead. The hospital central waiting room isn't that full of people, and the people that are here know how to keep quiet. I respect that and pull out my phone and earbuds. Once the wire is connected to my phone and the other ends are in my ears, I pull up my music playlist and hit shuffle. According to my playlist, "Brooklyn Baby" by Lana Del Rey begins to play, but I don't remember ever hearing it before.
The song kicks off with a classical pop type beat, and Lana's soft humming begins to fill my ears before she starts fully singing.
They say I'm too young to love you
I don't know what I need
They think I don't understand
The freedom land of the seventies
I hate to say it, but I begin bobbing my head to the tune. The tone of the song and the message it's trying to convey is lost on me, but I find myself flashing back to my childhood. Wasn't the best, but wasn't the worse. I really can't complain about anything.
I think I'm too cool to know ya
"Excuse me?"
"Ma'am?"
"Hello?"
"Are you alright?"
A touch on my shoulder jolts me awake-- wait, I was asleep? Maybe for only like a second, because Brooklyn Baby is still playing. I slightly turn down the music volume on my phone and pull one earbud out. Someone's talking to me, and they seem to not understand the very essential concept of personal space.
"Wha--" I inch back in my chair, my eyes wide and my face bewildered. A blonde girl, young (maybe my age), stand in front of me, her knee pressing against one of my shins and her bright blue eyes peering into me like this is some sort of police interrogation. I'm almost immediately lost in their eyes, but then they're speaking again and my daydream is interrupted.
"I just wanted to ask what you're listening to." Blondie smiles, not malicious or manipulative, but a genuine, innocence filled smile. It's then that I make the promise that I want to see it again.
"Oh," I whisper, my lips barely moving. Finally regaining a clear and stable mind, I cough to clear my throat and my senses begin to return. "Um, Brooklyn Baby by Lana Del Rey."
"I've never heard it," She sits down in the seat next to me. "Does it sound nice? I might check it out later."
"No need!" I quickly dismiss, before realizing how eager I sounded. The beautiful stranger seems to have noticed it too, because she cocks an eyebrow and chuckles.
"Uh," I wouldn't be surprised if I was very visibly blushing right now. "I meant, why don't you listen with me? Here, have an earbud."
I hand them the free earbud, and they lean closer to take it. Our hands brush, and I freeze momentarily. Her hand is small, and soft, and the complete contrast of mine. I think she realizes it too, because when her eyes trace down to my open hand, she laughs.
Oh my god, my eyes widen as I realize what I'm feeling. Yet, I can't dwell on it too long because she gently places the earbud in her closest ear. I quickly turn on my phone and start the song all the way from the beginning. I haven't actually listened to the song to the end, so I'm hoping there's no sudden beat change or it starts spewing some really lewd lyrics.
She leans her head back, and I copy her. Her eye flickers over to me, and I meet it with my own gaze. We hold each other's looks for until the song ends, and I wonder if freezing time is possible, because this girl's eyes are the exact type you hear of in those trashy romance novel. Bright and blue, lighting up a whole room, making you feel like you're the only one in the room-- yeah, that type.
"Historia," She mutters and hands me back my earbud.
"Huh?"
"That's my name. It's Historia. Historia Reiss."
"Nice to meet you, Historia," I hold out my hand. "You can call me your next girlfriend." Did I seriously just say that? Yes. Do I regret it? No, because I've made Historia laugh. And I'll do anything to continue to make her laugh.
"Not even a dinner first? Or a kiss? We're just girlfriends already?"
"Hell yeah," I snicker. "Unless you're now insinuating you want to go on a dinner date with me and end it with a kiss? By the way, my name's Ymir, but you can call me anytime." My pick up lines are totally working, because now she's smiling and I can tell she's trying to hide it.
"Ymir!" Historia blushes and nudges me with her shoulder. "That's not what I meant!"
"Sure it isn't, blondie. But hey, I'm down to go on a date with a pretty lady like you anytime. My treat, alright?"
"But that's not what I--"
"Oh? You don't want to go on a date with me? My heart's broken, Historia. You made me think I had a chance."
"Now hold up--"
"It's alright, I suppose a hospital waiting room isn't the most romantic thing ever. Fine fine, I'll redo this proposal and make it impossible to refuse."
I shove my phone and earbuds into my pocket as I stand up from my seat. Historia watches me closely, her face still bright red and her chest heaving as she tries not to laugh at my idiocy. Clearing my throat, I kneel down on one knee in front of her.
"Historia Reiss, will you make me the happiest woman alive... and go on a date with me?" I squint my eyes and the corners of my lips turn up, hopefully making me look good rather than a creep.
"Please get up off the floor," She groans into her shirt sleeve. "People are staring at us."
"That's just because my beauty is intoxicating, baby," I wink. "But don't worry, I'm all yours."
"Please shut up, Ymir."
"Of course, of course. May I have your number first?"
"..."
"..."
"Give me your damn phone."
I stand up quickly, my back beginning to ache from kneeling on the hard ground for a long time. "She said yes!" I shout to the people in the waiting room, though they're mostly older people quite on their way to see the grim reaper. However, I did get a few people to clap their hands and give us a congratulations.
I'm too distracted by the strangers' applause that I fail to notice Historia has stood up from her seat and is now walking away from me.
"Wait!" When I do notice, she's halfway out the door. "Come back!"
Historia turns her head back, her face now redder than before, and her eyes wide and her lips in a small smile. I smile back and quickly walk over to her, placing my hand over her shoulders as I laugh.
I don't think either of us knew, but it would be that encounter that would set our hearts ablaze.
We're walking along the oceanside together, the sand sinking around our feet and our hands intertwined. I'm not sure how long we had been here, but the sun was beginning to set and I still didn't want to leave (her) yet. We're quiet, and neither of us have said anything to each other for a good ten minutes. We reached a silent understanding.
The waves are crashing next to us, and sometime the water goes high enough and soaks our feet. I don't mind, and it doesn't look like she doesn't either.
"What," Historia speaks up, and I lower my gaze to reach hers. "What were you doing in the hospital that day?"
I know why she's asking, and I do have the same question for her.
"Just picking up someone I knew who worked there. After you had to go, I drove them home." I shrug. "What about you?"
I'm almost scared to know the answer.
"I'm getting treated there."
Oh.
"If I may... what do you have?"
"Heart failure."
Oh.
"For how long?"
"A year."
Oh.
"How's the treatment going?"
"I'm more of putting off the inevitable. Heart failure comes from a condition I've had for a while now."
"Can you get a transplant?"
"There are no current transplants available in the area, and when there were ones, I wasn't old enough to make my own decisions and my parents opted not to put me under for a transfer."
"Why the hell would they do that?"
"I was young. The risk of procedure failure was higher than me dying of heart failure at the time."
"Oh."
"I didn't mean to scare you."
"No, I'm glad you told me this. How um... how... h- how--"
"How long do I have left?"
"Y... yeah."
"Most likely a few months at most. Could be longer if a heart donation is available in that time."
"A few months?! How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-two."
"So am I-- and twenty-two is too young to die! I'm going to find a heart donation somewhere."
"Ymir, stop fooling yourself. I have professionals looking throughout the area for one already. Don't waste your time on me, alright? Let's just enjoy this moment."
"Can I take you out again?"
"What?"
"I said, I want to take you out again. Was this a date? I think it was. I'd like to take you out for a second date soon."
"I don't think you should, Ymir. You know what might happen."
" Might happen. Let's not dwell on the possibilities, alright? You said it yourself; let's just enjoy this moment."
"You're an idiot, Ymir."
"I don't care."
"You shouldn't waste your time on me."
"I'm not wasting any time if I want to be with you. And I do. And I hope you want to be with me."
"I do, too."
"Great! I'll plan a second date soon. Let's do the stuff you've always wanted to do."
"Like, bucket list type stuff?"
"Mhm."
Historia turns to me and we stare each other in the eye for a moment before she suddenly darts closer and wraps her arms around my chest. Confused, I don't push her away as she buries her head into the wrinkles of her shirt. She's short (like, really short for her age) so I slouch a little and hug her back. I end up staring at the ocean waves behind her and watch as they rise and fall. No matter how big a wave was or how fast it came rising, they always fall and break. I guess the same could be said for humans, right?
"Thank you, Ymir." Historia chokes out, her words slightly muffled from my shirt.
I don't say anything back, but she understands what I mean. The two of us stand there on the sand, holding each other close as the sun behind us sets.
"Can I kiss you?" I whisper, my words barely audible. But she nods, letting me know she heard and accepted. She removed her head from my chest and looks up as I look down. Taking her jaw with my hands, I bring us together and hover my lips just above hers. I'm giving her a moment to say no and back away, but she doesn't, so I take the opportunity and close the gap. Her lips are soft and cold, yet they seem to warm up my entire body. It's a gentle kiss, as we're in no rush, but it shares enough emotion between us to that we understand. I feel her smile against my lips and she pulls away after a moment.
This time, I'm the one to say thank you.
I walk into the coffee shop, the smell of freshly made pastries filling my nose. It's a wonderful smell, especially because I'm extremely hungry right now. Unfortunately for the café, not only am I hungry, but so is the friend I brought with me, the legendary Sasha Braus. Most restaurant workers in the area know who Sasha is. She spends most of her life inside restaurants stuffing her face, leaving me to question how she stays so thin and how the hell she pays for all this food.
Sasha and I are sort of regulars at this café, and currently, her favorite baker was one the job, Niccolo.
"Niccolo!" Sasha shouts as we burst through the doors. The café has quite a few other customers, and they all turn their heads to stare at Sasha like she's some sort of alien (and to be honest, she probably is).
"Hey, Sasha and Ymir!" Niccolo greets us when we walked up to the counter. "Come for your regular?"
"Yes, that'd be great," I smiled at Niccolo. He was a really nice guy, and I think he actually owned this place. He also memorized Sasha and I's orders because we came here so often and always ordered the exact same thing. "But, could you make two coffees for me? Put the same thing in both, if it's alright."
"Two?" Niccolo raises an eyebrow. "Alright, sure! Wanna add any more food to your order, Sasha?"
"You know I always want to!" Sasha grins. "But I'm one a diet, sadly."
"Diet?!" I cough out. "Sasha, you're literally ordering ten pounds of food!"
"Yeah, that's my diet!"
Niccolo laughs at this before turning around to prepare our orders.
"So," Sasha turns to me. "Who's the second coffee for?"
"W- what?" I sputter out.
"Come on, Ymir, I know you! We've been friends for years, and I know your coffee habits. Don't try to lie to me."
"You pay that much attention to my coffee habits?"
"You're diverting the question!"
"Am not!"
"Then answer it!"
"Ugh, I hate you Sasha."
"I bet you do. So, the second coffee?"
"It's... it's for this girl I met."
"Oh my god. Is Ymir doing something thoughtful for someone? And is the someone in question a possible love interest? Will you two live happily ever after in your castle on the hill?"
"Sasha, I'm going to kill you if you don't shut up. And no, we will not be living happily ever after on a castle on a hill."
"Well, she must mean a lot to you if you're actually doing something nice for her."
"Shut up! I'm always nice!" I soften my voice. "But yeah, she means a lot to me."
"How'd you meet her?"
"Last week in the hospital when I was there to pick up Mikasa from her shift."
"Mikasa called you of all people to help her?"
"Shut up and let me continue my story!"
"Okay okay. Don't rip my head off."
"I'll think about it. Anyways, her name's Historia. We bonded over Lana Del Rey. And then the next thing I know I was asking her out on a date jokingly but then we actually went on one like a few days later. I learned a lot about her then, and I think I really like her."
"Did ya kiss?"
"That's not important Sasha!"
"So you did kiss!"
"Shut up!"
"How was it?"
"I'm not sharing the details of our kiss!"
"So you admit you did kiss!"
"Ladies, your food." We're interrupted by Niccolo. I step on Sasha's foot before accepting our food. After splitting the cost, Sasha and I took a seat at one of the empty tables. She immediately began digging into her food while I slowly sipped my hot coffee. I hadn't even drunk half of it when Sasha let out an unnecessarily loud burp, disgusting me and the strangers around us, though I'm pretty sure I saw Niccolo chuckle from the counter.
My phone then begins to ring, and I answer the call after reading it as Historia's contact.
"Hey!" I greet cheerfully. "I'll be at the hospital in like half an hour. I went to the local café with my friend. I got you a coffee, but now I realize I don't know if you like or dislike coffee. I also kind of made it how I like my coffee. But trust me, it tastes really good." I hear her laugh on the other end, and my face automatically heats up.
"Don't worry, I don't mind coffee. Plus I'd like to see how you make yours."
"Oh? Will it help you determine what type of person I am?"
"One hundred percent. The type of coffee someone likes says a lot about them."
"If you say so."
I can practically hear her roll her eyes.
"Is this Historia?" Sasha grunts, her eyebrows shooting up. In response, I flip her off. "Hi, Historia!" Sasha leans over the table and shouts at the phone. "I'm a good friend of Ymir's! We were just talking about you!"
Sasha I'm going to fucking kill you in your sleep.
"All good things?" Historia responds, loud enough for Sasha to hear.
"Yeah! Ymir was going on about how much she likes you! She probably wants to marry you!" Of course Sasha just doesn't know when to shut up. It'd be a real shame if she just suddenly died in her sleep tonight. Such a shame.
I hang up the call, shooting angry glares at Sasha while I send an apology text to Historia and tell her I'll be there soon. Once the text sends, I place my phone back in my pocket and pick up my two coffees. I walk away, not sparing a second glance at Sasha. If I did, I'd probably end up dumping the coffee all over her. As fun as that sounds, I can't ruin Historia's precious coffee. Plus we might be banned from here.
I hear Sasha call after me, but I still don't turn around. I know she'll end up running after me, though, because I am the one who drove us here and unless she wants to walk home, she'll have to beg for my forgiveness.
She does end up doing that once we've reached the parking lot. Her hands are clasped into a position like she's praying. I find it quite ridiculous.
Historia and I end up going on quite a few more dates over the weeks. We both know we're doing this on borrowed time, but I can't just leave her. Whether it's a good or bad thing, I like her too much. And somehow, she likes me the same.
Currently, we're laying down on a blanket on the roof of the hospital. We weren't exactly supposed to be up here, but I snuck us up. I read that the stars were supposed to be very bright tonight and that there was going to be a meteor shower. I was not going to pass up the opportunity to stargaze and watch the wonders of the night with Historia. The roof was pretty cold and uncomfortable, but thanks to my amazing planning skills, I brought us some blankets. We used one to lay on while the other covered our bodies. Her head rested on my arm while we waited.
"Enjoying yourself?" I tease when she snuggles closer into me.
"Yeah, I kind of am." Historia wraps her arm around me.
A star flashes through the sky, so quick that if I blinked I would have missed it.
"Shooting stars remind me of you and I, you know." She says softly.
"How so?" I continue to watch the sky.
"Well, how long do you think that star has been shooting? It looked quick to us but what if its been shooting for a while? Still, to us, it goes by quickly. We might not ever see the star again, yet we made an effort just to see it for a few seconds. What if it was longer than that to the star? Yet, no matter the effort we made to see the star shoot by, it goes by quick enough that soon, we'll forget about it. We make a big deal about how cool and special shooting stars are, but it doesn't take much for us to move on and forget about it. I think... I'm your shooting star, Ymir. Like shooting stars, people love it in the moment, but it went by so quickly for them that they'll soon forget and move on."
"I'm never going to forget you, Historia," I promised. "And I won't have to. You're going to survive this because some donor is going to show up anytime soon and then you and I will live until we're eighty together."
"Ymir, I--"
"Look, the shower started!" I interrupted her, pointing at the change in the sky. We both knew what she was going to say, but I couldn't hear it again. I don't want to hear it again. I don't want to ever be reminded of the future.
Historia slightly sighs before leaning up to kiss me gently on the cheek. No matter how many times she does it, I'll never get used to it. I still blush and turn into a mess when she kisses me.
She watches the meteor shower and so do I, but it doesn't take long for my eyes to flick over to watch Historia instead. Her hair rests delicately under the moonlight, and her face is paled and filled with an emotion I can't read. When she notices me staring, she turns her head to look back at me, her lips stretched into a pained smile while a tear rolls down her cheek.
I think... I think I might love you.
I end up taking Historia to a country fair. Our town hosts a fair once a year and I'm grateful for there to be the option for us to go. I learn a lot about her at the fair. How she's never had cotton candy before. How she absolutely despises hot dogs with her gut. How she's not afraid of heights. I don't think there's ever been a time of my life where I've been happier than the times when I'm with Historia.
We're sitting on the Ferris Wheel now, saving the best for last. We've been at the fair for hours now and it's finally beginning to clear up. The food vendors are beginning to empty out. I wonder if Niccolo was at a vendor somewhere.
I ended up running into some of my friends at the fair. I hadn't seen or talked to them as often as I did before I met Historia, but I did tell them about her. They knew how much she meant to me, and they also knew she had some sort of medical condition. I didn't tell them what she had, as that was for her to tell people and not me.
"We need to talk, Ymir." Historia takes my hand into hers. The Ferris Wheel has stopped, and our cart was the one at the top. I look to the side, not wanting to meet her eyes. I already know what the talk's about, just by the tone of her voice.
"I don't want to talk," My voice breaks. "I... I don't..."
"Ymir," Historia breathes out softly. I finally look to meet her eyes and see she's been crying. Just like I have.
"I don't--"
"There wasn't a donor in time," She blurts out and I physically wince. "It's worsening, Ymir. I don't have a long time left and since there hasn't been a donor for a while, there's a very low chance there will be one in time."
No...
"This fair might be the last time we have fun like this."
No...
"I want to thank you and apologize. You've made me feel something lately, and you're the best thing I've ever had in my life."
No...
"I love you, Ymir."
Historia...
"I love you too," My bottom lip quivers. Now both of us have full on tears falling from both of our eyes and I don't think I can keep Historia's gaze much longer before crying even more. "I love you so much, Historia. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love yo--"
She leans in and kisses me. We've had many kisses since our first one weeks ago, but this one is the one I know I'll remember. It's filled with pain and sorrow as well as greed. I kiss her back and wrap my arms around her and for once, I don't care what happens next. All I know is that I love Historia and I don't want her to go.
After I dropped Historia off, I drove straight to my apartment. I knew what I was going to do now. I had a plan. Whether stupid or smart, I had a plan.
I ran right to my bedroom with a pen and a sheet of paper. Sitting down at my desk, I began to write.
To my dear Historia,
It takes me a while to finish my letter as tears escaped my eyes once I was almost finished. I fold it up gently. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to the hospital and give this to Historia. I'll tell her not to open it then, but open it when it's time. She'll know when it's time.
Now, I prepare letters for my family and friends. Everyone gets a different and unique letter that highlights my feelings for them. I'm going to mail them tomorrow to everyone's respective addresses. By the time they arrive and they read what I've done, I'll already be gone. I know I'm being an asshole, but I can't help it. I've been a selfish asshole all my life.
When all the letters have been written and prepared, I take out my phone. Opening up Google, I type:
"How do I become a heart donor quickly?"
And then I press search.