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They’ve been on the run for nearly five months when it hits Steve. She, Wanda, Natasha, and Sam have been traveling through Eastern Europe, finding bolt holes and waiting for the furor to die down. For people to forget Vienna, forget the Winter Soldier, forget the Accords. Because people would, eventually. With Zemo in custody, Bucky in Wakanda, and the Avengers ostensibly disbanded, they would fall from the collective consciousness after time passed. Once it had, Steve and the others could figure out what they would do next. Figure out how to save the world from threats and keep themselves safe.
It hadn’t been easy. T’Challa had given her a ship and weapons, everything Steve needed to break the others out of the Raft. He’d even offered Wakanda as a refuge. That, Steve had turned down. She didn’t want to put him in an awkward position politically, even if he was willing.
She’d broken the others out of prison. Clint and Scott had left soon after, contacting Tony and making a deal that would keep them with their families. Sam, Nat, Wanda and Steve had focused on survival. Just living through the next day. Getting through the next moment. No time to breathe. No time to think.
And then…
They’re in Moldova. The four of them in a one room flat. Nat and Wanda, asleep in the bedroom. Sam, ready to retire after his turn at watch, Steve buttering toast as she readies to take over for Sam. She picks up her coffee.
Out of nowhere, it hits her. Like the memory of a dream, only harder, with the force of a sledgehammer.
The coffee mug crashes to the floor.
“Steve? Christ, Steve, what’s wrong?”
Sam’s voice sounds far away. Steve’s vision has tunneled and she’s not seeing anything.
She doesn’t see him get up, but Sam is suddenly next to her. His hands are on her arm, on her back. He leads her to a chair, sitting her down.
“What’s wrong?” she hears Natasha asked. “What happened?”
“Don’t know. One second, he’s fine, next he was like this.”
Natasha’s face comes into view. “Steve?” She puts her hands on Steve’s shoulders. “Steve, what’s wrong?”
Steve focuses on Natasha’s eyes. Digs her fingers into her thighs. Inhales.
The air gets stuck in her throat. She coughs.
“It’s okay, Steve. Just breathe. You’re fine.” Natasha’s voice is calm. Soothing. She glances at Sam. “He’s burning up.”
“Wanda, get a wet towel!”
Steve closes her eyes as she hears footsteps retreating.
She tries to take another breath. Swallows around the lump in her throat. “The… the…”
Natasha squeezes her shoulders. “Take your time.”
Wanda appears, holding a towel. Sam takes it from her and puts it on Steve’s neck.
The shock of cold and wetness brings Steve back into her body. Her lungs suddenly expand, filling with air. Her head spins, and she closes her eyes.
“I didn’t. I didn’t tell Bucky. I didn’t think to tell him, and there was no time, and I didn’t tell him. And now they’re in New York. They’re in New York with Tony. And I know--I know--Tony won’t do anything to them. I know that.” She opened her eyes. Natasha’s face swims in front of her. “But what if Ross finds out?”
“What’s he talking about?” Wanda asks, but Steve sees Natasha and Sam exchange looks, and Steve knows she’s been understood.
Sam crosses to Wanda. He puts his hand on Wanda’s shoulder and leads her out of the apartment.
Natasha sits. “Tony won’t let Ross know about the embryos.”
Steve winces. Her skin begins to buzz, warning of what will become a dysphoric episode. “He might…. He might...”
“Tony might, or Ross might?”
“Ross might.” Steve shakes her head. “Tony won’t do anything to them.”
Natasha smiles. “No. He won’t. And if Ross was up against anyone else, I’d tell you to be worried. But not against Tony Stark. His security is top of the line, and he would never let Ross infiltrate his system.” She leans forward. “As angry as he may be, Tony is not going to let anyone know about them.” The corner of her mouth raises. “If only so there’s not more of you running around.”
Steve tries to laugh, but it’s more of a sob. “You’re right.” She presses the heels of her hands against her eyes.
“As for not telling Bucky… Why don’t you take a few days and go to Wakanda? Go see him. Tell him now.”
Steve shakes her head. The panic is beginning to recede, but the buzzing and general feeling of uneasy wrongness are still there. “Last time I went, he was still pretty out of it. And Shuri says they’ve still got so much work. Bucky wouldn’t want…”
“Steve.”
Steve wipes her eyes and looks at Nat.
Nat gazes at Steve with a look of fond exasperation. “For once in your life, you really need to think about yourself first. You’re allowed to need things too. You’re allowed to let him comfort you.”
Steve sniffs. “Before the serum, that’s all he did. Our whole lives. Even after the serum, he took care of me. He deserves…”
Natasha slams her hand on the table. “And you deserve to not have to carry this violation all on your own!” She closes her eyes and huffs out a breath. “Steve.” She opens her eyes. “You have a partner waiting for you. Bucky would not want you to go through this alone.”
The buzzing is worse. She digs her fingers into her skin and looks at the ceiling.
“What are you afraid of, Steve?”
It hurts to swallow. “I don’t want to tell him. He’s been through so much. Too much.”
“And you want to support him. Protect him. Comfort him.”
“Yes.”
Natasha puts her hand on Steve’s knee. “Doesn’t Bucky deserve to do the same for you?”
#
T’Challa is extremely accommodating. A plane lands for Steve hours after she calls him. She’s still feeling dysphoric as she boards the plane, but Nat gave her a haircut, which helped, and she’s been doing the grounding exercises her psychologist had taught her, and which also helps.
She feels more steady by the time she lands. Not perfect, but better.
When she exits the plane, her breath catches.
Bucky.
He looks good. The bone deep weariness is gone, replaced by a look of serenity. His hair is clean and pulled into a bun at the nape of his neck. He’s still got the beard, but she’s starting to get used to it.
Dimly, she’s aware that T’Challa, Shuri, and their mother are all standing there, along with a retinue of guards. But she barely sees them. All she sees is Bucky.
“You look good,” she says when she gets to him.
“You don’t.” Bucky grasps her elbow and leans in to kiss her. “You okay?”
Her entire body goes hot at the touch of his lips. Shyly, she looks away. “I know. And, no. Not really.” She forces herself to look at her host. “Your majesty. Thank you for the ride.”
“Of course, Captain. Any time.” His eyes move between Bucky and Steve. He takes a step back. “Bucky is quite familiar with the palace. Why don’t you show the captain the gardens? You should find some solitude there.”
Bucky nods. “Good idea. Thanks.”
“We will leave you.” He turns and makes a gesture to his retinue. To Steve’s relief, everyone leaves.
Bucky tugs Steve. “Come on.”
Steve’s only been to Wakanda once after she left Bucky. It’d been a couple months after leaving the first time, when Bucky had come out of cryo-freeze. It’d been a short visit and, since Bucky was still going through deprograming, they hadn’t left the hospital wing. So, Steve’s never walked around the palace, never seen the grounds.
She doesn’t see much of them now.
“Where are you?” Bucky asks, leading her into a garden.
Steve pulls away. She crosses her arms over her chest. “I, uh. I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.” He sounds wary.
It takes her a few tries. She paces, walking to a tree and back about five times before she forces herself to say, “First off, I want you to know that I didn’t intentionally keep this information from you. With everything that happened, and the confusion and stress, and the fact that I deliberately don’t think about it, I just… forgot.”
Bucky studies her. Nods. “Okay. So you didn’t mean not to tell me. What didn’t you tell me?”
She takes a deep breath. “Do you remember when we went on the run? You took me to a Hydra safehouse, but we left abruptly. Do you remember that?”
He shakes his head. “The first few days of that trip are all a blur. Like a dream. The first thing I really remember is the car museum.” He smiles, eyes lighting up at the memory.
Steve clenches her fists, nails biting into her palms. “It’s just, at that safehouse, you remembered something. I mentioned Zola, and you freaked out.” She bites her lip. “And you remembered something. That Zola and Pierce said.” It’s getting hard to breathe. Her head spins.
“Steve, what is it?”
Feeling ill, she swallows. And then tells him everything. How they had both been harvested from. JARVIS looking through the HYDRA files. Of finding the base. Finding the embryos. Tony hiding them away. Everything…
Bucky is stone still by the time she’s done. White-faced, fists clenched, face blank. He looks so much like the Winter Soldier, that Steve’s almost afraid she’s triggered him. She wishes she’d told him inside the palace, closer to Shuri. Closer to the doctors, just in case….
“Buck?”
He blinks. Closes his eyes. Inhales deeply.
Steve takes a careful step closer to him. “Are you okay?”
Bucky laughs. It sounds black and bitter. “Am I okay?” He laughs again. “Christ. Every time I think this nightmare can’t get any worse…” He shakes his head and goes to a bench, sitting. “What’s the difference between an embryo and a fetus?”
Steve shrugs and sits next to him. “Time. Development.”
“Fuck.” Bucky pinches the bridge of his nose. “And Stark has them.”
She nods.
Bucky drops his hand and looks at her. “Are you sure he won’t do anything to them? He hates me. What if…”
“Tony’s a good guy. Despite what happened. He wouldn’t…” Her voice catches.
Bucky frowns. “Are you okay?”
She tries to nod, but she can feel everything inside her crumbling to dust. “No,” she chokes out. “I don’t know what to do.”
Bucky puts his arm around her and pulls her close. “T’Challa can have a team in and out without Stark ever knowing.”
“It’s not that.” Panic starts to claw its way up her throat. Her hands are cold and she can feel sweat at her temples. “I can’t… I don’t…”
Bucky kisses the top of her head. “Hey. It’s okay, Stevie, it’s fine. Just breathe, okay?”
She squeezes her eyes shut and leans hard against Bucky. “Do you know what gender dysphoria is?”
“Yeah.”
Surprised, Steve lifts her head and looks at him.
He gives her a crooked smile. “Steve, do you think for an instant that I haven’t been researching everything I can to help me understand you better? Seems like all I do when I’m not being deprogrammed is look online about transgender issues.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.” He leans in and kisses her. Rests their foreheads together. “What do you need right now?”
Steve closes her eyes and relaxes. Her skin still crawls and her uterus feels like a hot coal inside her. She wants to tear off her skin, rip out every part of her that makes her feel vulnerable, and smash them to pieces.
“I don’t know,” she finally chokes out. “Everything feels like it’s closing in around me.”
Bucky kisses her again. Pulls away. “Okay. I know exactly what you need.”
#
Hours later, she’s sweaty, sore, and close to exhausted. Exhilarated, she slides off the back of a battle rhino. She laughs as she staggers, legs stretched out and rubbery. It’s hard to walk.
“See? I told you that it’d make you feel better.” Bucky leaps nimbly off his rhino and gives it a pat. “Nothing like it, is there?”
She shakes her head, smile so wide her cheeks ache. “That was amazing.”
Bucky returns the smile and nods his thanks as a couple handlers take the rhinos away. Then, he swings his arm around Steve’s shoulders. “Let’s get cleaned up. I think food is in order.”
Her stomach rumbles and she laughs. “Is it wrong to say I think I’m hungry enough to eat one of those things?”
He knocks her with his hip. “Don’t let anyone hear you say that. Rhinos are sacred.”
Laughing, they go back to the palace. Bucky has graduated from a room in the hospital wing to the guest quarters and has a full suite. When they reach it, he says, “Go shower. I’ll throw something together.”
She gratefully follows his orders. She’s got dirt everywhere and feels sticky and gross. Once she’s naked and under the running water, she finds that her skin doesn’t feel as tight as before. Her body feels more settled and she can stand to be in it. To touch it and look at it. It doesn’t set her off.
When she gets out and dries off, she stares a long time at her binder. At her clothes. And wonders.
The last time she was here, Bucky had just woken up. He’d started going through the early stages of deprogramming. That had left him shaky and silent most of the time.
Consequently, they hadn’t shared more than a dozen kisses. A dozen mostly chaste kisses. Comforting. Gentle.
Is now the time that things are going to escalate? Is Bucky expecting…
No.
But does he want?
Steve bites her lip. Swallows hard. And puts both her binder and clothes on.
Once she’s armored, she goes to the living area.
“They’re not rhinos, but these steaks oughta keep even you full for five minutes.” Bucky turns from the oven, holding a plate heaped with food.
It smells delicious. “Looks good.” Steve frowns. “You make all that?” She gestures to the bowls and containers littering the counter as she settles into a chair.
Bucky shakes his head and sets the plate in front of her. “I warmed the steaks up, but, naw. The palace chefs made everything and delivered it while we were out.” He grabbed another plate and sat. “I’m learning how to do things with one arm, but I’m not quite up to five star meal status.”
Steve tries not to moan in pleasure as she eats her first bite. The food, like everything else, is top tier. “When are you getting another arm?”
Bucky’s silent a moment. He looks at his plate, frowning.
“Buck?”
He clears his throat. “I’m thinking I won’t. Get another arm.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to fight anymore.” He looks up and meets her eyes. “I’m tired, Steve. Of fighting. Of what I did. Of… of the whole thing. I just want to live somewhere quiet and just… be. You know?”
Steve sighs. Nods. “Yeah. I get it.”
Bucky smiles. “It just feels like it’s an easier choice without the arm. Without what it represents.”
“Okay. I understand.” She reaches across the table.
He sets down his fork and takes her hand.
“I wish I could have that quiet life with you,” she whispers.
Bucky kisses the inside of her wrist. “I know. Me too. But you’ve got too many people depending on you right now.” His smile turns sad. “And I’m still not safe.”
“You’re safe to me.”
He squeezes her hand and kisses the inside of her wrist again. But he doesn’t agree with her.
They spend the rest of the meal talking. Bucky tells her about the work he’s doing with Shuri and his doctors. Steve talks about being on the run. They compare notes about the best places to hide out in Eastern Europe. Bucky gives her some tips on where else to go.
They don't talk about the embryos.
When they’re done with dinner, they go into the living room. After consulting both their lists, they decide to watch Star Trek. They’ve both seen Star Wars by now, but only Steve’s seen the first season of Trek. She doesn’t mind rewatching to catch Bucky up.
They curl up on the sofa together under a blanket. They watch until late at night. Every time an episode ends, Steve suggests another. And another. Because stopping meant they’d go to bed. And bed meant a possible confrontation and she doesn’t want to have it right now.
It’s sometime after one o’clock when Bucky runs his hand down her arm. “So.” Bucky’s voice is soft. “I’m getting tired. Wanna talk sleeping arrangements?”
She stiffens.
He squeezes her arm. “I’ve got two rooms. You’re welcome to one of them. Or, you can stay with me.” Bucky kisses the back of her head. “I’d like you to stay with me.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she says, “I can’t… I… I still feel…”
“Dysphoric?”
She nods.
Bucky is silent for a moment. Then he says, “Would it help you to know that I’m still not ready to have sex? That I’m too messed up to take that step?” His hand tightens. “I’m not asking for that. I just want you next to me.” He brushes his lips against her temple. “Just that. Can you do that?”
Steve lets out a sigh that feels like it comes from her toes. She practically melts against Bucky. “Yeah, Buck.” She turns and cups his face. Leans in and kisses him. “Yeah. That I can do.”
#
She wakes the next morning with her head pressed against Bucky’s back, arm around his waist. He’s got her hand trapped against his stomach and his fingers stroke the back of it.
“You awake?” she asks, voice husky with sleep.
“Yeah.” He rolls onto his back, pulling her on top of him. His legs tangle with hers and he lifts his hand to cup her cheek. “Sleep well?”
She nods. Dips down and kisses him. She threads her fingers through his hair with one hand and gently scratches his beard with the other. “Guess you got used to this,” she whispers when they break apart.
His hand runs down her back. “I guess. I never shaved it on the run because it hid my face. Now, I just don’t think of it.” He raises an eyebrow. “Unless you mind.”
“Naw.” She kisses his chin. “It looks good on you.”
Bucky raises his head and kisses her. She opens her mouth, deepening it. Allowing her tongue to dip into Bucky’s and touch his gently.
Bucky makes a soft sound in his throat. Strokes along Steve’s tongue, his hand gliding up and down her back.
As they kiss, Steve’s head starts to spin. It’s not like the day before. Not panicked. Not her not being able to pull herself together. No. This is a dreamy, soft sort of spinning. Like being twelve years old and twirling until you can’t stand. Of going on the merry go round until you can’t see straight.
It’s like falling in love for the first time.
It is falling in love for the first time all over again.
They’re careful with each other. She doesn’t go near his missing arm. He stays away from her chest. But they touch and stroke where it’s okay, where they can light little fires along each other’s skin without concern of being burnt. Of either of them being burnt.
She loses track of how long they stay in bed, kissing and touching and enjoying being with each other. They only break apart when her stomach rumbles and Bucky’s answers.
“Um.” Bucky runs his thumb down Steve’s cheek. “It's a good thing you heal quick.”
“What do you mean?”
He laughs. “You’ve got beard burns all around your mouth.” Bucky lifts his head and kisses her cheek. “But I’m sure it’ll be gone in about ten minutes.”
Steve’s cheeks warm and she moves in and kisses him again. This time, she deliberately rubs her face over his beard.
They kiss for a few moments longer. Finally, Bucky pulls back again and looks at her. “How long are you here for?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it when I left.” She sobers and traces Bucky’s lips with her fingers. “But I can’t stay long.”
“I know.” He kisses her fingertips.
Steve sighs and rests her head on Bucky’s chest. She wishes she could stay forever. That she and Bucky could have a life together, be together for more than just a few stolen days at a time.
But it’s impossible. She may not be Captain America anymore, but she’s got a team. She’s got people she’s responsible for, and she can’t leave them.
Funny. She thought when she gave up the shield that she was done. But she was wrong. She’ll never be done, not as long as she’s got Nat and Sam and Wanda. Not as long as evil still threatens the people of the world.
So. Most likely, not ever.
Steve squeezes her eyes shut and listens to Bucky’s heart thumping in his chest.
The world can wait, she decides. For just this moment, it can wait.
#
She stays three days. She and Bucky use that time to just be together. They ride, they hike, they explore the city. They have a few meals with the royal family, and Bucky has a couple deprogramming sessions, but other than that, they live like free men.
It’s wonderful.
The last day, they spend the morning in bed, just laying in each other’s arms and exchanging lazy kisses. They talk about the old days. They avoid talking about the present or the future. It’s all too nebulous to bring them joy.
It’s after noon by the time they get out of bed. Steve is nervous and sad, but it’s a soft, easy sadness. It’s not sorrow, just disappointment of knowing that she’s not going to wake up in Bucky’s arms the next day. That she’ll be back in some lousy apartment, sharing a bedroom with three other people and trying to stay free one day more.
“Too bad I can’t grow a beard,” she says, rubbing her chin thoughtfully between bites of her grilled cheese sandwich.
Bucky snorts. “You know, Shuri probably has some way to make that happen. Kid’s a genius. Beyond genius. She makes genius’s look like dummies.” He looks at her through lowered lashes. “You’d probably look hot.”
“Better looking than I am now.”
He rolls his eyes. “You know you’re gorgeous.”
She rolls her eyes back and takes another bite. She kicks him under the table and their legs become tangled together.
There’s a knock at the door. Bucky answers.
“Captain,” T’Challa says, looking between the two of them with a small smile. “The plane is ready to take you back. Although, if you’d rather stay…”
“No.” She sighs and shakes her head. “No, I need to go back. My people are counting on me.” She takes Bucky’s hand and squeezes.
His smile is sad, eyes wistful. “I’ll get your bag.”
“We will take good care of him,” T’Challa says when Bucky is in the bedroom. “The doctors are most optimistic about his progress.”
“Thank you. For everything.”
T’Challa nods and puts his hand over his heart. “It is my pleasure.”
Bucky returns with Steve’s bag and gives it to her. Then, he takes Steve’s hand in his. Lacing their fingers together, they make the long walk to the hanger bay.
“Come back,” Bucky says. “Don’t wait until the world falls apart before you do.” He squeezes her hand.
“I guess, I just don’t want to bother you too much.”
“Stevie.” The look he gives her is annoyed and frustrated. “You could never bother me.”
She nods as they make it to the hanger. “Okay. I’ll come back.”
“Before you fall apart. That’s the important part of what I’m saying.” He stops and tugs her around to face him. “Take care of yourself, punk.”
“I will.” She gives him a lopsided smile. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”
Bucky’s eyes go distant for a moment. Then, he grins. “How can I when you’re taking all the stupid with you?”
Her heart a weird mixture of light and heavy, Steve leans in and kisses him. “I love you, Buck.”
“Yeah, Steve. I love you, too.”