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Being in love is the greatest feeling we humans can experience. Soft touches from our loved ones that make us feel like we are swimming in between the clouds or gentle kisses that make us lose our minds. There isn't a single emotion that compares to it. However, nothing also can compare to the feeling of betrayal and heartbreak. Park Sunghoon knew both of those feeling too well.
How did he find himself in the middle of the race track, he honestly has no idea. A few hours ago, he was snuggled against his soft blanket with a tub of coffee-flavored ice cream peacefully watching some sappy teen movie, and now he is waiting for his best friend, who Sunghoon knows is lost in the crowd of people only because he can see his freshly bleached blond hair, already regretting that he got forced to get out of his bed. Sunghoon wasn’t the most social person, however, Jay was. Jay attracted attention from people, animals, and any living thing no matter where he went, so it’s no surprise that so many people came just to see him race tonight.
Illegal car racing was another thing Sunghoon has no clue how he got involved in, but for the past two years, ever since they both finished high school, Sunghoon came to support Jay almost every week. Jay loves his car and racing as much as he loves his boyfriend, Yang Jungwon. In Sunghoon’s humble opinion, Jay loved Jungwon at least five times more than his car, but of course, Jay was too stubborn to ever admit that out loud. And Sunghoon loved them both, he really did, but he was glad Jungwon wasn’t able to come tonight because having to watch his best friends look at each other with so much love, after he got his heart broken three months ago, would be painful to say at least.
“Are you okay? I told you he won’t come tonight,” Jay appeared out of nowhere and whispered in his ear slightly surprising the black-haired man. His best friend’s predictions were correct because his ex, if he can even call him that, was nowhere to be seen.
“Yeah, I guess. Just finish the race and let me go home.”
“Nope, nope. I finally dragged your pathetic ass out of that tiny apartment and I’m not allowing you to go home before 2 am,” The blond said hooking his arm around the miserable boy’s shoulder who immediately rolled his eyes at the statement because he knew how stubborn Jay was and that Sunghoon probably won’t be going home before midnight.
It’s not like Sunghoon hated racing or being here. For some odd reason, it was nice. Watching people do what they loved and seeing their excited faces after crossing the finish line was somehow fulfilling. But the thing is, this place holds so many memories he has tried to escape from for some time now. The first meeting, first kisses, even their first fight happened here. Everywhere he looks he gets a flashback of himself happily gigging in his warm embrace. However, that was then and this is now. Now he is all alone, cold and numb.
He thought that if he were to see him tonight, he would break into tears and run away from him as far as possible, but when he saw the familiar red engine pulling into the parking lot, all he felt was anger. Instead of tears pooling in his eyes and running away, he was walking towards the man who left him with no answers with his nails stabbing his palm trying to control himself. Jay tried pulling him back and stopping him from causing a scene, but he was too late.
“We need to talk,” Sunghoon let out a shaky breath after those words slipped out of his mouth. The man turned around to face him and Sunghoon felt like tears would start spilling down his face at any given moment. Sunghoon bit his cheeks trying to control his emotions, but seeing his face for the first time in a while brought even more bad memories than he anticipated. Sunghoon expected him to tell him to fuck off or even worse - to ignore him, but he never expected the man to quietly nod and start walking away. He stood there dumbfounded for few seconds until he realized he should follow him.
He followed him to the secluded area in the parking lot away from those hungry eyes. He didn’t change a bit, Sunghoon noticed. Still wearing that big leather jacket and the infamous ripped jeans. His cologne was overpowering the smell of fuel surrounding them. The cologne he was wearing was the one Sunghoon got him for his birthday.
There were so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to ask did he really mean nothing to him? Did those seven months really mean nothing? And if they didn’t, why couldn’t have he said so and not just disappear in the middle of the night with a badly written note on the bedstand. However, the only thing that left Sunghoon’s mouth was…
“Why?”
Sunghoon didn’t dare to look him in the eyes, too scared that if he looks into them, he won’t see the same soft, brown ones, but cold ones piercing his soul.
“Because I got bored.”
Sunghoon spent numerous sleepless nights in tears trying to figure out what could have been the reason. Maybe he found someone else, or maybe he fell out of love. He wondered if the older needed some time for himself, so that’s why he left so abruptly. But, this? He never expected this.
Sudden quiet laughter was heard because that’s all that Sunghoon could do right now. Maybe he was laughing at how much time he spent with a person who obviously never cared for him or perhaps he was laughing at how easily those words left his mouth.
Soft chuckles turned into uncontrollable laughter and while Sunghoon was slowly losing his mind, he just stood there stuck to the ground. Sunghoon for a second thought he would get worried after the surprising reaction, but after running his hand through his black hair and finally looking into his eyes he realized that was just wishful thinking. His stare was empty and showed no sign of emotions at all.
“You are a devil in disguise, aren’t you Lee Heeseung?” The name he used to say so lovingly, now just left a bitter taste on his tongue. He expected that he would get offended or say something back, but all he did was a smirk. Sunghoon felt a huge urge to slap that expression off his face, however, he calmed himself down. Smiling for the last time at the man who caused him so much pain, he walked away with hurried steps.
“Are you okay?! Do I need to beat that fucker up?” Sunghoon couldn’t help smiling truly for the first time tonight at Jay’s question.
“I’m fine, Jay,” He lied ignoring the second question, but he wanted so badly to say “yes”.
He really was grateful for his best friend. No matter how loud and obnoxious he could get, he knew he could count on him. Sunghoon even thought that Jay would kill for him because that’s the kind of a person Jay is. He wanted to hug him, but Sunghoon wasn’t like that. It’s hard for him to shows his true emotions. He only did it once and has regrated it deeply.
“Alright, racers go to your cars! The fun is about to begin!” The people abrupted into cheers at the man’s words.
“Do you want to hold the flag?”
Sunghoon only noticed the man was asking him when he saw the flag in front of his face. His brain suddenly froze and was unable to form a proper sentence. He hated the attention and eyes being on him, however Jay was already in his car and there was no one to save him.
“That belongs to me, thank you very much,” The familiar voice said snatching the flag from the man causing the people to start cheering again. Of course, Heeseung would be the one to do it. He loved the attention, more so he lived for it. For a second, he thought that maybe Heeseung did it because he knew Sunghoon hated people looking at him, but soon shook that thought away after he remembered his cold gaze from a few minutes ago.
Sunghoon pushed through the crowd until he was next to Jay’s car, however, Jay never spared him a glance as he was too focused on the man holding the flag and Sunghoon swore he could see fumes coming out of his ears. He smiled knowing that Heeseung could for sure feel Jay’s killing stare on him which he hoped made him at least slightly uncomfortable.
“Get ready! Set! GO!”
After the flag fell down cars disappeared leaving Heeseung in smoke and Sunghoon hated himself for not being able to take his eyes off of him. As the smoke slowly started vanishing Heeseung appeared in all his glory with that confident smile Sunghoon fell for. He looked away finally, however he was too slow and, even though Sunghoon didn’t notice, Heeseung definitely saw him looking him up and down as he was walking back into the crowd. Sunghoon tried ignoring all of his thoughts and turned his gaze towards the tracks waiting for the cars to come back.
“At least try not to be so obvious.”
He didn’t have to turn to see who the voice belonged to because he would recognize it anywhere. The same voice that would leave gently praises and little moans in his ear.
“Fuck off,” Sunghoon said bitterly earning a giggle from the older which, as much he hates to admit, still had an effect on him.
The warm hand gripped Sunghoon’s chin pulling him to look him in the eyes. His thumb was gently caressing his chin holding him like he was made out of glass while the smirk was still there decorating his flawless face. Sunghoon tried not to give him the reaction he expected and remained calm.
“Don’t act like you aren’t still in love with me,” Heeseung was so close that he could feel his minty breath on his cheeks. Sunghoon hated that all of this was so entertaining to him when he spent months picking himself up. But, two can play this game.
“Yes, I am. Is that what you wanted to hear? I cared for a bastard who never gave two fucks about me. And then he broke my heart. He broke it into millions of pieces. Is that the thing you are so fucking proud of Heeseung?”
Even though the words he said broke Sunghoon’s heart, he said it so coldly without a single emotion in his voice. Sunghoon knows he is not strong enough to hurt Heeseung with his words or actions, but he can push his buttons and if there is something Sunghoon knows about him, it’s that he hates when people leave him speechless.
Though he tried hiding his surprised face the little raise of his eyebrows made Sunghoon feel powerful for the first time tonight. The whole night he felt so pathetic just even coming here, however now with Heeseung unable to say anything back, Sunghoon felt like he was soaring in the sky. No one moved an inch. The hand was still there on Sunghoon’s chin and neither of them dared to look away.
The one thing Sunghoon didn’t see coming was for Heeseung to smile at him. Not the fake or smug one he has been giving him the whole night, but a full-on grin as if he was proud of Sunghoon for standing up for himself. However, the smile was soon washed away and was replaced by a panicked expression when he heard sirens coming closer. The hand holding him, as much as he wanted it not to go away, vanished and people started running everywhere.
Sunghoon was woken from his dazed and realized that his ride was nowhere to be found. Jay still hasn’t come back and if Sunghoon doesn’t move from here, he would get caught by the cops much sooner than Jay would be able to come back for him. So, he started running along with a bunch of people who were in the same position as him. People pushing everywhere trying to get away made Sunghoon’s head spin.
Suddenly a car pulled up next to him which he paid no attention to as he was just trying to get out of there as soon as possible.
“Get in!” Heeseung yelled from the inside of the car through the opened window. Sunghoon, however, much to Heeseung’s irritation just rolled his eyes at the offer, or better said order, and started walking away. There is no way he is getting into his car. The man in the car started getting annoyed at his ex-lover and drove next to him for the second time.
“Hoonie, just get inside!”
And just like that Sunghoon froze. Why in the hell did he have to use his nickname now? He turned his head to see a panting Heeseung, from all the adrenalin and running Sunghoon guessed, looking hopefully at him. Sunghoon raised his head to see that the cops are already at the parking lot and will soon catch him if he doesn’t do something. He swallowed loudly and after sighing grabbed the door handle getting in the car as fast as he could.
Having no time to put his seatbelt on, Sunghoon’s one hand grasped the handle above the window to hold himself in place while the other one tightly grabbed the side of the car seat because he knows Heeseung has no intention of going slow. Sunghoon might not trust Heeseung, but he trusts his driving skills. Don’t get him wrong, he is a reckless driver, but he can afford that driving style because he is that good. He rarely lost at any of his races, and the times he did it was because the opponent played dirty. Over the years, Heeseung learned to play dirty too and slowly, but surely, became one of the best drivers in Tokyo.
After finally leaving the parking lot with two police cars on their tails, Sunghoon gave himself the permission to spare a glance at the driver. Heeseung’s focused eyes were locked on the rear-view mirror as his tongue licked his pink lips out of concertation. Long fingers tightly gripping the gear shift and the wheel were decorated by few silver rings whose coldness Sunghoon wished he could feel once again against his burning skin. They managed to lose the cars chasing them as Heeseung skillfully drifted into a small alleyway, which they themselves barely fit into, and Sunghoon observed Heeseung’s smile widening as he cockily bit his lip.
The car looked the same on the inside, but Sunghoon was sure that Heeseung upgraded half of the things under the hood. He took a deep breath as the smell inside the car brought so many memories that used to make his heart swell with happiness. He closed his eyes trying to ignore all of the thoughts running in his mind while resting his head on the window as Heeseung wasn’t going full speed anymore after leaving the cops in his smoke.
He, also, couldn’t help noticing that the small key chain that was once hanging off the rear-view mirror was gone. It was a penguin key chain Sunghoon gave him as Heeseung asked to have something of his in his car as a good luck charm while racing. He opened his eyes seeing that they are in the center right now which was about fifteen minutes from his house.
“Turn left he- “
“I know where you live. Did you forget that I spent numerous nights there?”
Sunghoon knew which nights he was talking about. The ones he tried erasing so badly out of his memory but never succeeded in doing so. Nights when their bodies were united and nothing else mattered. Love bites and scratches all over their glistening skin which Sunghoon can’t seem to forget.
“Yeah, the nights I regret the most.”
Those lies left his mouth before he could stop them and, honestly, it’s not like he tried stopping them. He was hurt, to say the least; however, he knew that Heeseung was heartless and words like these ones don’t affect him. That’s how Heeseung was, but for some reason, those words hit him harder than a grenade. It’s like millions of knives got sent directly to his heart. Sunghoon never noticed the change in Heeseung’s expression, to Heeseung’s luck, as he was too busy looking outside of the window.
“You were always a bad liar, Hoonie,”
“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me that long time ago,”
“Still, you love hearing it, don’t you?” Heeseung teased as he always did, but for some reason, it wasn’t fun as it used to be. It strangely hurt him to hear Sunghoon being so cold to him.
“Fuck you!” Sunghoon yelled getting more and more annoyed by the second.
“Oh, you already did, baby,” Heeseung said with a smirk.
“Stop the car!” Sunghoon said with his hand already on the handle. Heeseung, however, just continued driving making sure to lock the doors in the process. He felt Sunghoon’s stare on him, but he chose to ignore it or at least act like he was ignoring him.
Even though the ride was relatively short, it felt like an eternity to Sunghoon. He wanted to escape from him as soon as possible. He hates that his body and mind still react to him even after three long months. It hurts to know that he was so fine when all Sunghoon wanted to do right now was scream. Scream on top of his lungs how unfair it is that he is so okay. He knew Heeseung could be heartless, but he always swore that was just a mask. Just a disguise because he didn’t want to get hurt. Looks like him being good to Sunghoon was the real mask.
The car soon stopped waking Sunghoon from his daydream. They both sat in the car, not moving at all. Not knowing what to say or what to do, Sunghoon grabbed the handle to get out only to notice it was locked. He didn’t dare to look at Heeseung and just waited to hear the sound of his door unlocking, which he did after few seconds.
He stepped a foot outside thinking he would feel so glad to be out of there, but then it hit him. That was probably the last time he would ever be inside of his car and maybe the last time they will ever talk again. Even though, almost everything Heeseung told him tonight made the pain even worse, he admits he will miss his voice.
“You know I really did love you,”
Soft voice admitted from inside of the car. Sunghoon hesitantly looked down back at the older only to see him with his eyes close and head comfortably laying on the headrest.
“If you had told me that yesterday, I maybe would have believed you. But, after tonight I find it hard to,” Sunghoon truthfully said as Heeseung’s lips curved into a small smile. Sunghoon almost got mad until he noticed the look in his eyes once he opened them. He doesn’t know what it was, but it looked like Heeseung wasn’t proud of himself either.
“You always said you knew me the best out of everyone. I guess you were wrong.” Heeseung’s rushed voice said before Sunghoon could close the door.
“I guess then we both didn’t really know each other, huh?”
Heeseung’s heart got hit for the third time tonight. Sunghoon had no idea because he was good at hiding his emotions. Sadness filled his heart and he nodded again looking at Sunghoon maybe for the last time ever as he muttered a small “Yeah.”
As soon as the door closed, Sunghoon ran into his apartment building. While taking off his shoes and jacket, he checked his phone only to see over 30 missed calls from Jay and few texts asking for his whereabouts. He wrote a quick text to notify his friend that was home and safe, choosing to ignore the details on how he arrived home.
As his body hit the soft mattress, his mind wandered off. He somewhat got a closure. Not a good one by any means, but still a closure. He held himself better than he thought. It will be hard to let go of him when he got so used to him being there. But that was life, Sunghoon thought as he closed his eyes.
At the same time, Heeseung was in his car driving back home also thinking about everything that has happened tonight. Truth be told, he has no idea why he did what he did. It’s not like he was scared of falling in love. He was in love and he knew it. Heeseung was happy with him, but he just left that night. He lied when he said he got bored. How could he get bored of him? However, he did leave him and has to deal with the consequences.
He felt so numb, so reflexively he did something that always made him clear his head. He started hitting the gas pedal as hard as he could and driving through the almost empty streets wanting to feel something. But all he could think about was him. The broken trust and even more broken boy. In a blink of an eye, he was in front of his apartments, and only then he realized the wet liquid on his cheeks. He rested his head on the wheel for a second, but moved back into the original position just to start hitting the wheel with both of his hands as hard as he could.
He fucked up big time and doesn’t have the power to fix anything. Especially not after what he said tonight. He would never admit it, but he was so goddamn happy to see him tonight. Heeseung missed him more than he would like to admit and knowing that he lost him forever made him furious. So furious, but at himself because in this situation he was the only one he could blame.
The next day Jay laid across Sunghoon’s bed taking most of the space making Sunghoon have to sit on the floor. Jay propped himself up on his elbows so he’s able to look at Sunghoon who has been explaining to him everything that went down last night. He was soaking in all the details, occasionally nodding his head so his best friend knew he was still listening. After he stopped talking, they both sat there in comfortable silence until Jay decided to speak up.
“So, what now?”
“Nothing. I’m going to move on.”
“Can you?” Jay asked gently trying to not hurt Sunghoon as it was a sensitive topic.
“I will have to…” The other replied with sadness lacing through his voice.
He knows it’s for the best and that it’s the right thing, but how does he tell his heart what his mind thinks? He tried moving on for the past three months and failed miserably, but maybe after last night, he will be able to. No more wondering why he did it. He got his answer no matter how cruel it was.
“Can I ask you something, but you have to answer truthfully?”
Sunghoon wanted to ask when has he lied to him, however he settled for a simple nod.
“If he asked you to take him back, would you?”
Sunghoon grew silent, not able to give Jay the answer right away. He thought about it numerous times. He knows the answer, but why can’t he say it? Why is it so hard for his heart to understand he is gone and that he is better of without him in his life?
“Honestly, I really wish I could no. I wish I could be like “hell no that bastard doesn’t deserve me” but every part of me screams “yes, yes you would dumbass” …”
Jay was so mad at Heeseung and wanted to say all of his opinions on the coldhearted bastard, but that coldhearted bastard still owns his best friend’s heart. So, all he did was sigh and lay back on the bed looking up at the ceiling.
After that day Sunghoon tried to keep himself busy. He visited Jungwon at the café he worked at almost every day, he went ice skating which is something he used to love to do as a kid, and even went to the library and got some book that would get his mind off of the thing. So, he sat in a random café and started reading the book which did help to some extent, however, while reading the novel he kept noticing small things the characters did which Heeseung used to do too. Like the way, the character in the book put his arm protectively around his lover the same way Heeseung used to do when there were in a crowd of people because he knew Sunghoon hated big crowds. Or when the characters decided to share their ice cream the same way Heeseung offered his ice cream to Sunghoon which he disgustingly refused when he realized it was mint chocolate chip one. When Sunghoon noticed teardrops on the paper of the book in front of him, he closed it and left the library as all the book did was bring even more memories.
When he walked outside, he noticed that it was raining and he, of course, hasn’t brought an umbrella with him. He stood under the canopy of the library and suddenly his thoughts drifted away to the night when Heeseung parked his car in the middle of the road, which was thankfully empty as it was almost 4 am, and pulled Sunghoon out with him. They ran around the street, dancing, kissing until they were soaked to their bones.
And as a bad cliché, Heeseung happened to be driving down that road and immediately noticed Sunghoon who was lost in his thoughts. He was hesitating whether he would stop and offer him a ride or just drive away. Heeseung had no idea what Sunghoon thought of him anymore. He was sure he hated him, as any normal person would, but he also knows he is Sunghoon’s weakness. And while he was thinking about what he would do, his foot reflexively hit the brakes stopping in front of the library.
Too late now to back down, Heeseung rolled down his window and realized soon Sunghoon was so lost in his thought that he hasn’t even noticed the car parked in front of him.
“Do you need a ride?” Heeseung said with zero confidence in his voice, but it was loud enough to gain Sunghoon’s attention. He doesn’t understand why, but when he talks to Sunghoon he loses all his confidence so easily, Heeseung guessed it was because of how bad he felt towards the younger.
Sunghoon widened his eyes as he was expecting anyone else, but Heeseung to show up. He opened his mouth to decline the offer, but his heart took over his body making him unable to speak. Having been feeling so nostalgic for the past few hours since he entered the library, he couldn’t blame himself for freezing in place not knowing how to react.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I know you despise me, but the rain looks like it won’t be stopping for a while, so let me just drive you home. I promise I won’t say a single word if you don’t want me to,” Heeseung promised with a hopeful voice as he watched the younger fidget not knowing what to do. Finally, after few seconds of lip biting out of stress, Sunghoon hugged the book and ran to the passenger’s side sitting down hurriedly.
And as promised they drove in silence and even though it wasn’t the most comfortable atmosphere, it was a lot better than the one a few nights ago. Sunghoon stared out of the window trying his best to ignore the presence of the person in the driver’s seat, but he failed when he heard the sweet voice.
“How’ve you been?” Heeseung cursed himself for asking such a stupid question.
“You promised not to speak,” Sunghoon said quietly avoiding the question because he himself had no idea.
“Yeah, right.”
After that, the silence got a lot more uncomfortable because both of the people wanted so badly to talk, but knew they shouldn’t. Heeseung’s hand itched to grab Sunghoon’s hand that was resting on his thigh just like he always did while driving, however, he knew that he would be crossing the line. He stopped at the red light and looked around for no good reason until he noticed the book in the younger’s lap. He couldn’t read the title because Sunghoon’s hand was covering it, but he soon grabbed his attention as Sunghoon felt Heeseung’s stare on him. Heeseung looked up with raised eyebrows and a surprised smile, entertained by the fact that Sunghoon was actually reading something.
It was a well-known fact that Sunghoon barely read the book he had to for his classes, or, even worse, would google the plot ten minutes before the exam. So, to see him borrowing a novel from the local library without someone holding a gun to his head was more than entertaining.
“It’s a stupid romance book. I don’t really know why I took it,” Sunghoon shyly answered feeling hot all of a sudden from Heeseung’s stare.
“Romance was never your thing,” Heeseung concluded and continued driving after the traffic light shined green.
“Yeah, it was yours,” They both looked at each other after Sunghoon finished his sentence and smiled at each other. For the first time in a while, there was no weird tension between the two. However, the ride came to end soon after and Heeseung parked in front of Sunghoon's building just like he did a few nights ago.
“Do you wanna co- “Sunghoon stopped himself from finishing the question realizing how bad of an idea that was.
“It’s the best if I don’t,” Heeseung answered the unfinished question with a soft smile on his face.
Just like that Sunghoon found himself in the same position as before in the care of his ex-lover who he still loves. Knowing there is no point in staying any longer, he grabbed the handle only to feel a hand on his other wrist holding him back.
“I want you to know that I really feel terrible for doing what I did. There is no way to justify what I had done and I, myself, have no idea why I decided to do it. So, I just want to say I’m really sorry for hurting you.”
Sunghoon was stunned. Heeseung, in the almost a year he knew him, has never really admitted he was in wrong. Not with words at least. He was bad with words, so he would always make it up with his actions which Sunghoon never opposed to.
“Who are you and what have you done to Lee Heeseung. The Heeseung I know would never admit to this,” Sunghoon couldn’t help chuckling after saying those words making Heeseung laugh too as he lowered his gaze to the floor. Sunghoon looked at him laughing appreciating how beautiful he looked when he smiled.
“I know, right? I guess in the process of breaking your heart I broke mine too,” He said with a smile, but the second part of his sentence made both of them stop laughing and get serious. Sunghoon could feel the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes ready to spill any second.
“Why do you keep confusing me? One day you tell me how you left me because I was too boring, then you tell me you did love me however you never show that you did and now you showed up out of nowhere telling me all these things and I have no idea how I feel about you anymore. I want to hate you because that’s what you deserve after hurting me for no fucking reason, but all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. I miss you so fucking much that it hurts more than what you had done. Isn’t that pathetic? I would forgive you in a second just to have you back in my life,” Sunghoon started slowly, but by the end of his rant, he was almost yelling now with tears completely soaking his cheeks. The older man couldn’t stop himself from whipping the fallen tears from his face and Sunghoon just let him unable to fight back already missing his touch.
“You shouldn’t do that,” Heeseung answered coldly now with his hand cupping the younger’s cheek which Sunghoon couldn’t help but snuggle into. Sunghoon looked at him all confused as to why he would say that. Heeseung took his hand off of his face and moved back to his seat looking in front only to take a deep breath, to stop his tears from spilling which Sunghoon failed to see, and yet again get closer to Sunghoon looking him straight into his eyes.
“You know that I don’t deserve to have anything good in my life because this is that I do, Sunghoon. I fucked up the most perfect thing I had in this useless life of mine and I know I will never be able to get it back. I wouldn’t allow you to forgive me ever because I…” Heeseung stopped himself breathless after his confession scared to say the following sentence.
“Because I love you so fucking much and I know you deserve someone who will never do something this stupid to you! You deserve someone who will cherish every moment they have with you! Someone who will sing you to sleep and make you laugh every time you feel ever so slightly sad! And I know I’m not that person, Hoonie,” He continued now with tears streaming down his face just like Sunghoon was a few seconds ago. His breath was uneven thanks to the hiccups he got from so much crying. He looked down shutting his eyes not being able to look Sunghoon into his eyes. However, he opened them soon after he heard Sunghoon yell back.
“I don’t care about your opinion on what I deserve Lee Heeseung! That’s the problem! You never fucking ask me what I want!” Sunghoon screamed frustrated at the older.
“Then tell me! What do you want?!”
“You! I want you!”
The silence grew in the car and the only thing that could be heard was loud breathing and few hiccups here and there. They were still looking at each other and their broken selves which were in this position because of the pain they brought up to themselves. They broke the eye contact and both rested into their seats looking in front of them at nothing in particular.
“What now?” Heeseung asked which sounded more like a whisper.
“I have no fucking idea,” Sunghoon answered with his lips still shaking from crying. He, however, noticed movement next to him and when he looked at his right, he saw Heeseung’s open palm so, without much thinking, he laced their fingers. They sat in silence for a few more minutes until Heeseung spoke again.
“You should go,” Making Sunghoon widen his eyes already starting to panic, but Heeseung’s soft smile made him feel at ease.
“You need time. We both do. And when you are ready, I’ll be here waiting. I’m not going to disappear on you ever again, I promise,” Heeseung said with his right hand still holding Sunghoon’s delicate one while his other raised to put a piece of hair behind Sunghoon’s ear.
“Alright?” The older asked, and all Sunghoon could do was nod in between sniffles.
It felt little like a déjà vu with Jay in his room on the same bed talking once again about Heeseung.
“So, he said we both need to take some time and I guess we will try to fix us.”
Jay only odded looking down at the floor with his arms hugging Sunghoon’s pillow. Sunghoon on the other hand was growing anxious, scared of his best friend’s reaction. Will he think he’s crazy for going back to him after he hurt him? Will he get mad and stop talking to him?
“Are you mad at me?” Sunghoon finally asked not being able to bear the silence anymore. Jay looked at him and simply shook his head.
“You know high school Jay would probably make a big fuss saying how he doesn’t deserve you and that you’re stupid for going back to him.”
“Hey!” Sunghoon yelled with a smile on his face to which both of them laughed at. After they calmed down, Jay continued.
“But this Jay understands. I know I would never be able to give up on Jungwon. I would try to fix everything that could be fixed and if that wouldn’t work out, I would try to move on. Which I doubt I would succeed at so let’s pray that never happens.”
Sunghoon only now has noticed how much Jay has grown over these few years. The way he thinks shows he has matured and, for a strange reason, it made Sunghoon feel proud of his friend.
“You two won’t break up. You’re perfect for each other,” Sunghoon comforted the blond truly believing such a thing won’t happen. Jay gratefully nodded smiling as he could feel the burden, he was caring on his shoulders, suddenly get lifted.
“And thank you. For understanding. It really does mean a lot,” He added after few seconds of silence.
Sunghoon really was extremely thankful to have a friend like Jay. Someone who was always there for him no matter what. Despite their differences, they fit like a puzzle piece completing each other. Sunghoon smiled finally feeling like things would eventually be okay in his life.
Over the course of three weeks, Sunghoon and Heeseung talked frequently and even went out few times. No kissing or anything like that, just conversations and late-night drives. It felt like they were back at root one, but it felt nice. They patiently were trying to fix their relationship from the bottom, hoping they would be able to get back what they once used to have.
They were currently in a fancy restaurant Heeseung begged Sunghoon to go to for a few days already. Sunghoon felt so out of place at first and begged Heeseung to change his mind and just go to McDonald’s, but Heeseung was too stubborn. He wanted to do something nice for Sunghoon because he deserved it. So, after some time, Sunghoon did relax a bit actually started to enjoy their date, but after seeing Heeseung’s I-told-you-so smile he immediately rolled his eyes at the older’s childishness.
They finished eating and Heeseung was talking about some new equipment he bought for his car and, even though Sunghoon didn’t understand a single thing Heeseung was explaining, he still nodded along looking at him with eyes full of admiration as he got all excited talking about what he loves doing. At that moment, Sunghoon realized he loved this man sitting in front of him with his whole heart. So, that’s why he decided once Heeseung drove him back home to ask him the question.
“Do you want to come inside?”
Heeseung’s eyes widened not expecting that question at all. You could see him fighting his own thoughts on what to say which looked adorable to Sunghoon. Heeseung got more careful with his words afraid of ever hurting the younger again.
“Are you sure you want me to?” He asked all worried, but Sunghoon just simply nodded his head. Heeseung smiled immediately and started looking around his car for something.
“I just have to grab…” Heeseung continued speaking after opening the glove compartment, but Sunghoon shut all of his words out when he noticed a particular key chain in the corner of the glovebox. He reached inside and took it in his hands surprised that the older still has it. Sunghoon looked at Heeseung questioningly to what Heeseung only smiled and, after taking it from his hands, hooked it back on the rear-view mirror.
“What? Did you think I would ever throw that away?” Heeseung asked with a grin and Sunghoon just shook his head pleasantly surprised by the older once again.
Sunghoon threw the apartment key in its bowl and turned around to see Heeseung looking like a deer in the headlight. He was looking around the apartment trying to see if anything has changed, but to his astonishment, everything looked exactly the same.
“Wow, I haven’t been here in months,” Still looking around the apartment with a smile until Sunghoon grabbed his attention by walking up to him and putting his arms around Heeseung’s neck. Heeseung instantly got serious looking straight at Sunghoon’s eyes. They didn’t speak trying to savor the moment they both have been waiting for. Heeseung’s left arm grabbed Sunghoon’s hips pulling him closer while his other hand cupped his cheek. His eyes looked down at Sunghoon’s lips for a split second as if he was asking for permission to what Sunghoon responded with getting closer to his body if that was possible.
Heeseung couldn’t wait any longer so connected their lips finally after almost four months. To say Sunghoon felt like he was on cloud nine was an understatement. He never realized how much he missed his kisses until Heeseung kissed him. Hands all over each other’s bodies trying to engrave every curve into their memory. Without breaking the kiss Sunghoon started walking backward, a route Heeseung knew very well. After taking off Heeseung's jacket before they broke the long kiss, Heeseung gently pushing him onto the bed and was now hovering over him. Sunghoon’s fingers traveled to his lover’s black hair gripping it slightly at the ends and pulling him closer to connect their lips once again, however, Heeseung stopped him.
“I love you,” Heeseung confessed still breathing heavily.
“I love you too,” Sunghoon replied with a smile before Heeseung finally connected their lips once again.
“You know, I think I finally managed to figure why I did tha- “
“Can we not talk about that?” Sunghoon interrupted Heeseung not wanting to talk about that painful situation again. He was currently laying on the older’s bare chest underneath their soft sheets while Heeseung’s fingers kept running through his silky hair. After Heeseung didn’t say anything back Sunghoon propped himself on his elbows looking at the older before continuing.
“It’s just, I don’t want that to ruin the relationship we worked hard to fix. I want to leave that in the past,” Heeseung nodded understandingly and pulled him back to his chest once again.
“Okay, I won’t mention it again,” He promised as the comfortable silence filled the room. However, as much as Sunghoon didn’t want to open that topic again, he got curious about what Heeseung was going to say.
“Tell me,” He muttered against his chest hoping the older heard him which was confirmed when he felt older giggle at him.
“At first, I thought I wasn’t scared to fall in love because I knew I loved you, however, later I realized that I wasn’t scared to love you, but to lose you. So, somehow in my twisted brain, I thought that leaving you would be better than you leaving me,” Heeseung confessed making Sunghoon speechless. He never realized his lover was having any thoughts like that.
“Why did you think I would leave you?” Sunghoon asked curiously.
“I don’t know. I guess I was insecure?” Heeseung shrugged his shoulders still looking at the ceiling, in a way shy to show that part of himself.
“You? But you never acted insecurely. If there is one person on this planet that I had to pick as the person with the most self-confidence it would be you,”
“I guess I’m a pretty good liar,” Heeseung laughed, but Sunghoon didn’t find it funny. He looked up still laying on his lover’s chest.
“Tell me next time,”
“Huh?” Heeseung looked down at him confused.
“Next time you feel like that, you need to tell me. We almost ruined everything because never talked about our true feeling,” Sunghoon said and Heeseung nodded his head already getting sad just thinking about the bad decisions that almost ruined them. The younger satisfied with the answer nuzzled his face in the crook of Heeseung’s neck getting comfortable.
“I promise I will. But you will too, right?” Heeseung asked wanting to make sure that Sunghoon felt comfortable enough tell him his worries too.
“Yep,” Sunghoon answered already halfway asleep which made Heeseung hug his body tighter as if he was trying to show he was willing to protect him from everyone.
Loving someone is the greatest feeling, however, it’s never easy. There are struggles and worries they need to get over, also sacrifices both sides need to make. It’s easy to give up, but to stay and try to fix things requires strength. To stop fighting for love would be the greatest sin, so with arms around each other listening to their heartbeats, they silently promised to never give up on each other again.