Chapter Text
I.
“But, what I’m saying is: if you had to choose,” Lan JingYi was saying, bus ticket in one hand and widely gesturing with the other. Jin Ling groaned. “ Listen to me. If you had to choose between listening to one song you really like for the rest of your life, but only that , you have no other options. Or, instead, listening to multiple songs you like so-and-so, but you got variety, what would you choose?”
“This is so dumb,” Jin Ling replied, rolling his eyes, “why would I ever find myself in such a situation?” Truly, it was the dumbest question ever. Which circumstances in life would force you to have limited access to music forever.
“I don’t know!” JingYi explained, sounding exasperated, as if the question hadn’t come from him. “But maybe there is a sort of apocalypse that erases everything from the internet except from what we have already saved, but can you answer?”
Jin Ling scoffed. “It’s dumb!” he said, again. He silently prayed that the bus would soon stop so that the four of them could go to the beach and forget about this stupid, irrelevant, useless and dumb conversation.
“I would choose to have multiple songs that I don’t like a lot, because at least I wouldn’t get sick of only listening to one song,” ZiZhen piped in, because of course he wouldn’t miss any occasion to let JingYi wild around.
“I’m sorry,” Jin Ling said, anyway, “but, if you have your favorite song and that only, you would save it for special times and it would gain such a deeper meaning. I can’t believe I am the one saying this.”
SiZhui laughed from behind him, where he was sitting. “But I guess it might depend on which song is your favorite?” he said. “Because, like, if your favorite song is very light, very party-like, maybe it’s not good enough to become symbolic. I don’t know.”
Jin Ling felt outnumbered, “But if it’s your favorite it’s important by default!” he argued, and, god, he didn’t even want to start this stupid dumb debate.
“But imagine,” JingYi got back into the conversation, “imagine your favorite song is Jopping by SuperM. You’re getting married in this post-apocalyptic world and Jopping starts playing. I stand by the variety thesis.”
Jin Ling felt like punching JingYi in the mouth. It had always been like this since they’d met and become friends, but whenever he said this nonsense — and it happened too frequently — Jin Ling felt like punching him. Surprisingly, he had not punched him yet. Wow, a true Buddha.
“If your favorite song is that crime that is Jopping by SuperM, that’s on you and you deserve to bury your post-apocalyptic dog while listening to those guys yelling that nonsense of a song.” Jin Ling concluded, and in doing so he pushed the Request Stop button on the bus. They were near the beach and finally they could focus on something different than the horrible prospect of having to live in a world where you could only listen to Jopping.
Going to the beach on the last weekend of August had been SiZhui’s idea. A sort of goodbye gift for the friend that would leave the others for college. He was the oldest of them, a senior when they’d met, and he was now ready to leave. It was a happy occasion, of sorts. A sort of celebration, for a day that wasn’t supposed to feel like a goodbye. It was a happy occurrence, for real.
But it felt like the end of some things, as well. At least to Jin Ling. The four of them had been friends for less than a year, but Jin Ling’s life had changed a lot in that year. What an understatement . He’d seen his uncle being imprisoned for murder, he’d met a new uncle that had come back after too many years, the third uncle — actually uncle #1 for his friends, but not so much in terms of age — had just moved his boyfriend into their house. Oh, and he’d gotten a dog. That was a nice change.
Anyway, the past year had been interesting, and his friends — his three friends — had all been there, all the time, never letting him down. They had a balance, the four of them. And, truth be told, Jin Ling was afraid that this balance would break, now that SiZhui was leaving.
SiZhui had always acted like the oldest of them, because he actually was, but also because he always stopped them from killing each other. Jin Ling knew that he was not patient, but the other two were unnerving at times, mainly because JingYi had no sense of measure, and ZiZhen was an enabler.
Jin Ling was ripped away from these reflections, when Lan JingYi yelled something about finding a spot on the beach and ran away, raising a lot of sand while doing so.
“Why are we friends with him?” Jin Ling asked, shielding his eyes from the sunlight and watching where JingYi was going.
“He’s my relative.” SiZhui said, matter-of-factly. Then he broke into a grin, an unusual expression on him, something that let the others see that it was true, him and JingYi had been raised together.
ZiZhen was quiet. Too quiet. “Hey,” Jin Ling said, punching him lightly in the shoulder, “I asked a question.”
The other boy turned to watch him, slightly frowning. He appeared lost in something else. He’d been distracted since they’d met that morning. “Mmh,” ZiZhen replied, “why are we friends with JingYi? I don’t know, I like him. Instinctively.”
SiZhui’s eyes widened, hearing that, and Jin Ling didn’t miss it. He elected not to say anything and moved on. “I wanna get in the water like now , let’s go.”
The water was cold, the sun scorching. They kept reapplying the seemingly endless supply of sunscreen JingYi’s mom had given him to avoid bad consequences, but somehow they ended up sweating all of it off.
Lying on his towel, with a ridiculous pair of sunglasses on, JingYi was studying attentively the way ZiZhen was repositioning the battered beach umbrella they were using, courtesy of Nie HuaiSang’s garage. SiZhui kicked his cousin lightly, which earned him a deadly glare and a handful of sand thrown his way.
“ZiZhen,” JingYi called, and the other boy finished up with the umbrella and came back to sit down. “What are you so upset about? Don’t make SiZhui remember you so gloomy and angry, it doesn’t look good on you.” He paused, seeming to consider something. When he started again, Jin Ling would have killed him. “ Well . That angry look is kinda good on you, I won’t lie. But. Still. SiZhui.”
ZiZhen made a show of ignoring all this, while Jin Ling tried desperately not to focus on what he’d heard. “I’m sorry,” ZiZhen said. “I fought with my mom, again .”
It was something that was happening more and more often, Jin Ling thought, and it was not nice. Not at all.
“But!” ZiZhen went on, “you’re right, you’re all right. Horrible bad mood, super nice day. I’m focusing on the wrong thing. I’ll be all yours.” Jin Ling smiled widely at this, and launched himself in a complex tale of how he and Fairy had gotten lost on a mountain track a few days ago. Needless to say, his uncle hadn’t been very happy about it.
“So how are you still able to walk, swim and go out with us if that happened?” JingYi asked, and SiZhui laughed out loud, carefree. If Jin Ling could take endless photos of the four of them right now, he would print them all to have with him forever.
“You know,” Jin Ling replied, “the usual. I told him it was Fairy’s fault, he didn’t believe me, he really didn’t want to punish me, so HuaiSang pretended to believe me, said something like WanYin, don’t you see how sorry he is while laughing and that was it.”
It was- easier, with him around. Jin Ling hadn’t noticed this big change in his uncle until he’d actually done something troublesome and HuaiSang had defended him. Jiang Cheng hadn’t yet developed a way of preventing this from happening.
“Wait until he learns how to deal with this deadly combo,” ZiZhen laughed, voicing Jin Ling’s own thoughts. “Poor uncle number one, what a family.”
“Hey!” Jin Ling protested, “You wish you had a kid like me.”
JingYi hummed, disbelieving. “We all kinda wish we had your uncle in our family, but okay. Though, on second thought, it’s best if he’s not in my family because it’d be awkward if I thought that my own uncle was super hot”
Unbelievable , Jin Ling thought, while he watched as both ZiZhen and SiZhui slapped JingYi’s legs.
II.
Lan JingYi had no memory of a life without his cousin SiZhui. He was younger, and when Lan WangJi had adopted SiZhui he’d only been maybe one year old. They spent almost everyday together, because their houses were adiacent, and his mom kept dropping him over when she went to work. They were also related, yes, though that was not a significant reason why they’d become such close friends.
“I’m so happy for you,” JingYi said, sitting down at the dinner table in Lan WangJi’s nicely decorated living room, “It’s so great that you’re going to study what you wanted, where you wanted.”
SiZhui was currently serving salad to everyone present and just smiled.
“If you got down to study for real,” JingYi’s mom interrupted, “maybe you’d get to study where you wanted, too. Just a suggestion.” JingYi smiled at her, because they both knew he studied hard enough to get where he wanted, but it was just how they talked about it at home.
“Ah, JingYi,” Wei WuXian started to say, “I would tell you there’s no need of going to university if you truly wanna get into journalism. Just keep writing.”
JingYi had to stop himself from laughing, forcibly, because both Lan WangJi and his mom were staring at Wei WuXian as if he’d just admitted to killing someone. Rather, possibly that would have sounded less worrisome.
“I’d truly like to go to university, though,” JingYi stated, starting to eat the food on his own plate. “I don’t mind studying. I don’t think I could rely on my creativity alone.”
SiZhui laughed low, because he always said that no idea coming from JingYi was to be trusted, and that his brain had to be schooled.
“Mh.” Lan WangJi said, and it was surprising that he actually added something after. “Wei Ying is sort of a genius. But discipline is often more important.”
“Are you going to teach me discipline, Lan Zhan?” Wei WuXian asked, the face of innocence. JingYi snorted, while SiZhui almost choked on the water he was drinking.
“If you want to have SiZhui sleep over at mine,” JingYi’s mom said, “so you can learn discipline . Well, say so. I’m leaving early in the morning, but the kids won’t mind me leaving. No more than the alternative. Discipline.”
“Ma,” JingYi whispered, and she turned back to wink at him. Oh good lord, people wondered how JingYi was, well, like that. He always answered: you should meet my mother.
So, yes. That was how normal, weekly, dinners of these two Lans households went. Sometimes, Lan WangJi called his brother, too. Since Wei WuXian had come back and planted himself in Lan WangJi and SiZhui’s home, the weekly dinners had become way more interesting. Mainly because when JingYi had suggested, before, that Lan WangJi would keep a straight face in front of the most outrageous of things, no one had believed him. Wei WuXian’s presence, though, had spiced things up. It had also proved JingYi right, because not only did Lan WangJi manage to keep the blankest face in front of Wei WuXian’s absurdities, he also achieved the seemingly impossible feat of making Wei WuXian hide his face in his hands after his replies.
Lan JingYi, though. kinda pitied SiZhui for having to live with the two of them, because apparently the pristine musician Lan WangJi had no shame whatsoever when it came to making up for thirteen years of distance.
“A-Yuan wouldn’t give up his last night in this house!” Wei WuXian sounded outraged at the suggestion that Lan SiZhui spent the night elsewhere. “Right?”
SiZhui, sweet boy, looked at his father’s boyfriend and said: “No, I would not.” Then he went on, turning to JingYi, “When we’re done eating, can you come with me upstairs, I’ve got something to show you.”
JingYi frowned, said yes, shrugged at his mom’s perplexed expression, and went on to eat the horrible cake Wei WuXian had baked — why was there spice. In a cake. That man had so many problems.
Lan JingYi sat down on SiZhui’s bed, in his tidy, neat room, where a couple packed suitcases lied in a corner. “So, what do you gotta show me?” JingYi asked.
Lan SiZhui widened his eyes. Then stared at the floor. “I lied.”
“ What? ” JingYi laughed. “A-Yuan! You lied?! You ?”
SiZhui walked nervously until he reached his window. “JingYi.” he said, serious. “I’m leaving. And you’re staying.”
JingYi was confused, and getting worried. “Yeah? That’s how this thing works. You go to college, I finish high school. I’m younger than you are, that’s how it goes.”
SiZhui looked very aggravated by something. “I mean.” he started. “I won’t be here to help you.”
JingYi was getting tired of this conversation that was going nowhere. What would he be needing help with? “Just spit it out, SiZhui. What are you trying to get to?”
SiZhui sighed. “Okay. Hear me out. I watched you closely today at the beach. It’s not a ‘lighthearted crush’, JingYi.”
JingYi’s eyebrows jumped up. What .
SiZhui kept talking, “I know you said you liked him. And I believed you. But this is not like . You’ve been worried all day because he’d fought with his mom. And the way you look at him! Oh, JingYi.”
JingYi looked away from his cousin. He wasn’t wrong. ZiZhen was- well, he was- Lan JingYi was in love with Ouyang ZiZhen. Had been for a while. And ZiZhen had made it clear from the start, he wasn’t into boys. And here JingYi was, stereotypical person that he was: falling for the straight kid.
“So what?” he asked, defiant. “What is it to you? Can’t I be crushing on him? Is it not allowed?”
SiZhui was looking at him with some kind of pity in his eyes. “It’s only going to hurt you.” he said, like JingYi didn’t know. “I know the way you are. You have to distance yourself a bit from him. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see him anymore, just- I don’t know, go out with the soccer team more often. Go out with the other guys from our newsroom, I don’t know! Try to date someone, really, anything. I get why you like ZiZhen, but. He’s not going to give you what you need. Not right now.”
I’ll wait, was JingYi’s first, obstinate, thought. I’ll wait until he can. And if he never can, then I’ll have waited happily all the same .
“Yeah,” was what JingYi said, though. “But I can handle this, you know. I mean, you’re right, he wouldn’t ever like me, though, honestly, that’s his loss. But, I mean, I know that, I’ve always known. I won’t let it get to me. Trust me.”
JingYi wouldn’t trust himself. But what could he say? No, I’ll throw myself off a bridge because the one I love doesn’t love me back? That was an interesting option, clearly, but, first of all, no one was so important as to make him jump off a bridge for them. Second, he couldn’t very well say to his cousin and best friend — that was clearly worried about him — something that would make him worry even more.
Truth was, he had set himself on a path that might probably lead to him crying while eating ice cream and listening to Kill This Love. Or something. Maybe Wannabe by Itzy could work, too. But not Not Shy, no. Anyway, a path that might lead him to tears and songs that would make him feel vindicated. But, this path might also lead him to another outcome. Who knew. Not him, not SiZhui.
“Okay,” SiZhui said. “So do you promise, officially, that you will actively try to avoid all ambiguous situations that could possibly feed your idea that you’ll get married to Ouyang ZiZhen?”
JingYi thought, here goes nothing , brought a hand to his heart and crossed it, “Why not. I promise I will try to fall out of love with ZiZhen.”
III.
Lan JingYi could, in retrospect, pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen in love with his friend ZiZhen. Strangely enough, it wasn't when ZiZhen ripped the base of a Christmas tree from his hands, sending him sprawling on the floor. Nor when he faked being his boyfriend to get discounted tickets at the cinema.
No, those things all added to the crush he’d been nurturing for him since the very first interaction they’d had, but they were not responsible for the suffocating feeling that caught him by surprise when Ouyang ZiZhen — with his hair longer than he’d ever seen him in — showed up after his soccer practice with food in one hand and keys to a car in the other, ready to bring him to the end-of-the-school-year party of Jin Academy. At that moment, right then, while ZiZhen was passing him a paper bag with an oily cheeseburger inside, JingYi clearly thought that it was him or no one else.
He knew it was ridiculous, that when you’re seventeen you have no idea what your life will look like in the future, that you have no idea who you’ll meet. But he knew that he was sure that he could live a happy life, if ZiZhen was there with him. Forever, possibly. When that evening he went back to his own room, to his own bed, while his mother was out working at the hospital, he clearly thought, “I want him .”
Obviously, there was a major giant obstacle in this want. And it was that it was obvious it wouldn’t be mutual. JingYi knew this. He knew it, right from the start. But it was okay. It was, truly. He wasn’t sorry about this, he wasn’t even sad. He enjoyed spending time with ZiZhen and, as long as he could do it, who cared if it was for love or friendship.
Though, sometimes, — too often, according to SiZhui, who never lost any chance to remark how all of this was unhealthy and possibly self-destructive, claiming he “wouldn’t stay silent as he’d stayed silent about his own father” — JingYi hoped . And when he hoped, he tried to push his luck.
So far, he hadn’t yet reached a point that was too far . But, sometimes, he had feared he had come too close to it. Like the night Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng had decided to bring them all out camping. And Jin Ling started a game of truth or dare, daring him to lick someone. Why? No one knew. It was Jin Ling. Jin Ling was a weird kid, who had it in for JingYi. Right then, anyway, JingYi’s brain shortcircuited. For a long moment all he could think of was his own tongue in ZiZhen’s mouth. That would count as licking, right? Well, it surely would, if he made sure to do it properly. Without thinking, he said ZiZhen’s name.
Then, he realized what was actually on his mind, and laughed out loud. God, what an absurdity. He ended up licking his hand, while everyone was ew -ing in disgust. Still, the other option would be too much for him, too.
Lan JingYi, sometimes, thought back on the day he met both Jin Ling and Ouyang ZiZhen. JingYi enjoyed playing melodramatic, it was one of his favorite ways of exasperating people, which was a fun pastime in itself. Which was why he thought about that day as the beginning of everything . Or, once, he’d referred to it as the day I truly started living . It was all a hyperbole, of course.
But he’d never forget how ZiZhen had told him “Oh, you should see our vice-principal, then”. And how that had triggered the first of many of Jin Ling’s fits on the subject. That, too.
Still, JingYi had gone home and told SiZhui, seriously joking, or maybe not even joking at all, come to think again: “I’ll marry him.”
“Who?” had said SiZhui, because he’d long ago given up on understanding JingYi without asking further questions on the topic.
“Ouyang ZiZhen,” JingYi had answered, smugly smiling at his cousin, “tall, handsome, witty, with his tastes in the right place. Husband material, I’m telling you. Skipping the dating phase and the boyfriend phase, too. I’m calling dibs.”
SiZhui had looked at him like he was crazy, or stupid, or suddenly possessed by a ghost of a romcom protagonist who latches on the love interest on the first second they see each other. “JingYi.” SiZhui had said, serious. “You read the chat message in which he clearly stated to be heterosexual, right?”
JingYi had read that, sure. But what did it matter. There’s plenty of reasons why people can get married, sexual attraction is only marginally relevant. Tax benefits are more important, possibly. “Yeah, so what?”
SiZhui just sighed and then took another deep breath, before saying “Oh boy, this is so not going to be fun.”
Lan JingYi might have been joking, at the time. Though, when people have a penchant for joking all the time, it’s in jokes they tell the most truth. Anyhow, he had been joking. Because he liked to hype things up, to make them bigger than they actually were. So, he’d just seen a boy he might, possibly, potentially, maybe, like and stated on the spot that he’d like to tie the knot with him.
What that initial joke hadn’t taken into consideration, however, was the fact that he had kept seeing and texting Ouyang ZiZhen non-stop since that fateful first day. JingYi considered himself a person of solid principles. He wouldn’t crush on just a pretty face. No sir. There were criteria to be met, he’d been raised with standards. But, oh lord, did that one specific pretty face meet all of those standards. Ouyang ZiZhen was a good student, a respectful person, a loyal friend, the kind of person to drop whatever he was doing to go help someone else. The kind of kid who wasn’t afraid to stand up where things were unfair, even if the injustice came from his own side. The kind of boy who didn’t mind dancing with JingYi in front of his own whole student body, unafraid of whatever other people might think.
JingYi could only resist so much.
Which was why after that first fanciful party at Jin Academy Lan JingYi lay in bed all night without being able to close his eyes. Until six a.m. when he took his phone from his nightstand, looked at the selfies his friends and him had taken the night before and said: “Fuck.”
me:
> oh no.
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> What?
> Also, why are you texting at 6:00 AM?
me:
> it’s a tragedy
> major proportions
> i haven’t slept
> at all
> bc of this
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> Jesus, JingYi.
> What’s going on?
> Can’t you just tell me? I’m supposed to go down for breakfast and you know I can’t bring my phone to the table.
me:
> fair
> problem is:
> i like him
> like, like him.
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> Who are we talking about now?
me:
> omg who do you think
> am i a whore to you???!
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> And how is this news?
> Didn’t you say you wanted to marry him when you met him?
me:
> you’re heartless
> and also ok it’s not like you gotta like someone to marry them
> it’s just usual, but you might wanna marry them even if you don’t like them in that sense, maybe you just enjoy them as people, no. I’m full on: i like like like him.
> i’m about to cry.
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> The crying might be related to the fact that you didn’t sleep, though.
> OMG JingYi. What do we do now?
> Will you tell him?
me:
> are you crazy????
> no.
> I can’t tell him.
> this is just my fault, anyway.
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> How is this your fault?
> There’s no fault in these things.
> You like him, it’s okay. Maybe telling him would help you deal with that? And with the fact that it’s very likely he doesn’t like you back, sorry to bring this up.
me:
> I’m not telling him
> just, not happening
> ever
> and i know, already.
> he’s straight
> which is why i’m at fault. i shouldn’t have even entertained the idea
> ghhhhhahahg
> okay.
> i’m good.
> fine
> it’ll pass
> it’s not like i’m going to fall in love with a straight guy.
> a crush? okay, fair, he’s nice and all
> but love? no. i still have a personal dignity
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> Sorry, while you were monologuing I had breakfast.
> But you don’t really have dignity, JingYi.
me:
> you’re a bully.
> and i’m telling you.
> it’s just a lighthearted crush
> it’s just that i’d never really had one
> that’s why it had me stay awake
Lan Yuannn 🥰😍🥰😍:
> If you say so.
> I say you’re going to be heartbroken.
> But you probably know best
me:
> ayyy Yuan
> crush.
> just a crush.
> see, I’m already over it.
> give me two weeks and I’ll be as good as new.