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Kouda wasn’t good at asking for affection. Especially not in front of other people. Even more especially not in front of people who just became his boyfriends a few months ago. Every time he tried to, he’d pull himself back & sit quietly to himself with a heavy blush on his face. It wasn’t like he’s never shown any type of affection the entire time they were together, but it wasn’t in public.
Due to his behaviour, he always seems like he doesn’t want affection, when it’s actually the opposite. He loves it. He just doesn’t want to ask in fear of looking like an idiot. Of course, he also couldn’t say that out loud. That would be even more awkward than just asking.
Today, he, Shouji, & Tokoyami were all sitting around a table near the back of a public library where no one else could bother them. Shouji was working on his homework while Tokoyami was reading a poetry book that he often brought around with him. Kouda was sitting in silence, both hands resting on his chin.
He didn’t know why, but he really wanted some attention. Maybe it was because he himself had nothing to do besides watch the two just sit there, doing their own things. Or maybe it was because he rarely received any attention due to his worries. There was no one around in the library, so he wouldn’t have to worry about someone seeing. Feeling a little brave, the rock headed boy slowly moved both of his hands from his face, reaching them over to his boyfriends. As soon as his fingers brushed against their hands, he retracted them back. Nope. He can’t do it. He hoped neither of them noticed.
Unfortunately, they did. Both of them were pulled from their thoughts at the unexpected contact. They looked at each other, then over at their boyfriend. Said boyfriend had his face covered behind his hands. Slowly, he separated his fingers so he could see whether or not they were still looking at him. Dammit. They noticed. Not only did they notice, but they were now looking at him. Staring at him in both curiosity & amusement. He quickly covered his face again, making sure he wasn’t able to see their faces. That would relieve how awkward the whole situation was.
“Did you need something, dear?” Tokoyami asked, setting his book down slightly.
Kouda shook his head, a heavy blush now spread across his face, going down to his neck. He was more embarrassed than anything else. Eventually, he removed his hands from his face & moved his hands to sign a response. “I’m fine. Sorry about that. It’s nothing,” he signed, allowing the two to return to their business.
He was glad neither of them pressed the issue. That would’ve made things even worse. That was probably why they didn’t ask more about it. Because Kouda was embarrassed enough as it is. But next time, he may not be as lucky.
The three head out of the library after another hour in there, walking down the street. It was a very busy day today & there were a lot of people. Kouda really didn’t like crowds & although there were situations to which he would come out of his shell, large crowds just always managed to freak him out. He tended to want space when in front of people as affection in public always made him feel like people were going to judge him for whatever reason.
Shouji & Tokoyami didn’t really mind the large number of people & were perfectly fine holding each other’s hands in public while they walked. Kouda stayed close with them just in case they wandered away from one another.
He still didn’t know why he had trouble with people in general, but it really sucked. It stopped him sometimes from hanging out with his significant others. In fact, if he knew how crowded the streets would be today, he probably would’ve just stayed in the dorms, which he was really wishing he would have done.
He contemplated whether or not he should reach out a hand, but ultimately pulled it back, closing his fists tightly. It was frustrating to say the least. He wasn’t able to hold either of their hands in public because of his own thoughts. It also felt really awkward to just ask. But he shouldn’t complain. He could always just watch his boyfriends holding hands instead. It wasn’t exactly the same, but it was still nice to see. He wished that he’d be able to be affectionate in his relationships with them as they were affectionate with each other. Even if it was something as simple as hand holding, it was still a comforting gesture that he desperately wanted without chickening out.
Kouda had somehow walked in front of the two, picking up his pace as he was distracted with his own thoughts. His hands in front of him, fidgeting while he walked. He was staring down at the ground, not at all paying attention to where he was going.
He suddenly felt an arm wrapped around his side, pulling him closer. He looked to his side, to see that it was Shouji.
“You were about to hit a pole,” Shouji explained, still holding onto him.
Kouda’s face went a deep red. Shouji was holding onto him. He was close to him. In public. It actually felt really nice. The two locked eyes with one another & Shouji noticed Kouda’s expression, promptly letting go of him, much to Kouda’s dismay. He felt stupid for not saying something when he did so.
“Sorry,” Shouji apologized. “I should’ve given you a head’s up.”
Kouda was so close to saying something, but relented. “It’s fine.” he signed.
They continued walking, eventually stopping at a coffee shop for some drink & food. Tokoyami stood by with Kouda while Shouji was ordering food for them all. The tall teen was close enough so that he could hold Tokoyami’s hand. Would it be weird to ask with so many people around?
“You seem on edge today,” the bird said. “Something on your mind?”
Kouda shook his head, assuring he was fine. He probably did look a bit unsettled. Maybe because he was feeling anxious about the whole thing.
They all sat down with their food & drinks at a corner of the place, by the exit so that they wouldn’t have to walk through so many people when they had to leave. Shouji & Tokoyami were having a conversation with one another while Tokoyami ate. Shouji didn’t want to have to take off his mask to eat, but also didn’t want to use his quirk in such a public setting. It could freak some people out a little. So he decided he’d wait for his boyfriends to finish & he’d eat when they returned to their dorms.
Kouda wasn’t really paying attention to anything. He was just thinking while staring off into space. Meanwhile, his boyfriends were laughing & chatting away with the occasional cheek kiss. Shouji & Tokoyami were just so naturally affectionate. As if it was second nature. But here he was struggling to even ask to share the same type of affection.
“Kouji?”
Kouda looked up at Shouji, who was pointing at his food. “Hm?”
“You haven’t touched your food,” he explained.
“Oh…” he mumbled. “I-it’s nothing…”
“You seem to be saying that quite a lot today, yes?” Tokoyami commented.
“J-just stress from recent events…” he answered.
Tokoyami nodded. “Ah, okay. Well if you want to talk to us, we’ll listen.”
“I’m fine,” he insisted. He sighed a little. They were both just so caring & understanding. Here he was probably seeming like an annoyance. Of course they didn’t see it that way though. He knew his boyfriends cared for him. It’s just that it really sucked that he wasn’t just able to talk about this stuff!
Eventually, they headed out walking in a comfortable silence for the entire time with them making occasional small talk. Kouda wasn’t really involved in the conversation as he was paying attention to his own thoughts.
He had spent the whole day trying to ask the two the entire day, but always chickened out just before he could. He fidgeted with his hands as he walked alongside the two. Lucky for them, the streets were less crowded so it’d be less embarrassing. Why was he so nervous to ask? It was such a simple gesture! He just needs to open his mouth & say it.
“Can I hold your hands?” he asked abruptly.
The question came out of nowhere for the two. They turned around to look at Kouda, who was looking down at the ground.
He wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. Again. “I’ve been meaning to ask today, but kinda chickened out. Kinda like every time before that. Sorry,” he signed.
Tokoyami gave a small smile, feeling the heat rise to his face. It was a good thing for him that he had feathers. “You have nothing to apologize for,” he said.
“I don’t really mind whether or not you show affection to us in public. Some people are just shy about that kind of stuff or just don’t want it. Nothing to feel sorry about,” Shouji said.
“Yeah but, I really wanted to, but didn’t know how to ask & stuff…”
“Well, how about this, hm?” Tokoyami began, gently moving to hold one of Kouda’s hand. Kouda allowed him to do so & squeezed it back, feeling his heart race a little. “Next time we can ask you quietly & you can nod yes or no your answer, okay?”
Kouda nodded. “Th-that sounds nice…” he said quietly.
Shouji smiled under his mask & slung his arms around the two, pulling Tokoyami close to his chest. He held the bird teen’s free hand & used another one of his hands to hold Kouda’s free hand. It was an awkward position, but it wasn’t all that bad. They were all able to hold each other’s hands at once. That being said, however...
“We probably look ridiculous like this,” Tokoyami said, his feathers puffed out in embarrassment.
Shouji shrugged. “Yeah, but I kinda like it.”
Tokoyami huffed a little. “Well of course you do. You're not the one being squished.” Despite what he had just said, he didn’t really mind it. It felt nice.
Kouda tightened the grip on both of their hands, giving a gentle squeeze of affection. He actually enjoyed this moment. Quite a bit too. He hadn’t really thought about how weird they looked right now, & didn’t really care. Actually, it felt really nice. He should hold their hands more often.