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i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
- E. E. Cummings.
*
“Beautiful,” he’d breathed out, his fingertips ghosting over the surface of the mirror. He didn’t dare touch. He couldn’t bring himself to – not when there was still a possibility of this being nothing more than a dream.
Park Jaehyung was never one to admire himself. He’d never once thought of himself as beautiful, though Younghyun would always kiss him on the mouth and call him the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. But now that he sees himself in the mirror, ebony hair neatly styled in a way which makes it seem soft, almost cloudlike, garbed in a suit so dark and so blue that it could’ve passed as a shade of black, it feels as though he’s really looking at himself for the first time. Past the flaws that he always thought would define him. Past the insecurities that would leave him awake at night, muffling his sobs with a pillow on all those days when he didn’t want to bother Younghyun.
Somehow, it makes him think of all those times when Younghyun would let his lips hover over all the parts of himself that he hated the most. The thought alone is enough to make his cheeks warm, so he busies himself with staring at something unimportant on his phone.
It’s only a few minutes past three when Wonpil slips into his dressing room, cradling Jae’s boutonnière in his hands. They share a look, and Wonpil’s hands fly to his mouth as he tries to stifle a sob. Jae rolls his eyes in mock exasperation as he makes his way toward him, pulling him in for a tight hug.
“You’re not supposed to be the one crying here, Pirrie,” he chuckles, sounding ever so fond.
Wonpil pushes him back, glaring at him. “Hyung, I can’t ruin your suit!”
“You have a point. It’s dark enough, but if you were to cry, it’d change into a new colour comple— ow! What was that for?!” he shrieks, throwing him a wounded look as he massages his shoulder. “It’s my wedding day. Could you not hit me please?”
“We’re running out of time. Dowoon says that Younghyunie-hyung is ready.”
“Shit.”
“Shit.” Wonpil sasses, his hands on his hips. “So it’s time we get going.”
*
They’d fallen in love when they were in their twenties, lost kids with dreams of making it big. They’d spent some time, both living their own lives, watching each other from the sidelines until Jae had stumbled into his arms at some party hosted by someone whom they barely knew. Younghyun had held on then – he’d held onto him tight, and he’d refused to let go of him for the rest of the night.
*
The aisle is adorned with ivory petals in the way Younghyun had liked back when preparations were still underway. Back when they’d been keeping themselves up at night, sharing exhausted smiles over cups of cold coffee. The look in Younghyun’s eyes as Jae had made the suggestion is all that’s on his mind, even as he treads on the soft grass to stand at the altar.
He forces himself to stop thinking of how beautiful Younghyun would look walking down the aisle. He scolds himself, because he wants it to be a surprise, and he’s not in the mood to let his imagination run wild and ruin that feeling of seeing him like that for the first time.
Instead, he smooths out the wrinkles he thinks he sees in his suit. He’s fidgeting with his hands in a way that draws an exasperated look from the priest who’d agreed to officiate their ceremony.
Wonpil, clad in a cream-coloured suit, has his place by the piano, strategically placed in a way that leaves him right beside Sungjin and Dowoon. They’re on Younghyun’s side of the garden, and Sungjin seems to be nodding in agreement at something Dowoon has said.
His chest feels warm as Younghyun’s father offers him a small wave. The seat beside him is empty, and Jae supposes that Mrs. Kang is with her son. There’s a camera on his lap – a professional one that Jae had gifted him with once he’d found out that he had an interest in photography. The gesture is so sweet that his heart aches.
Because Younghyun’s parents had been the most enthusiastic when he’d asked them for their permission to marry their son. When he was on the verge of a panic attack, it’d been Mrs. Kang who brushed his hair out of his eyes, trying her best to ground him. And, when they’d found out the reason for it, they’d enveloped him in a warm embrace.
“Son,” was what Mr. Kang had said, his eyes suspiciously wet , “There’s no other person whom we’d love for him to be with.”
His own parents, on the other hand, weren’t as accepting at first. They’d never taken his relationship with Younghyun seriously – so much that when he’d asked them for their blessing, his mother had ordered him to get out of the house.
“What will the neighbors think?!” “How could you do this to me?!” “I was lenient because I thought this was a phase, but I shouldn’t have trusted you to do the right thing!”
Even now, though his parents have long since apologized for it, the recollection of her yelling at him is enough to make him feel as though he’s been dealt a physical blow.
But today, for the first time in a while, he forces himself to look at them. Because he’d rather forgive and forget than hurt and ache from harsh words exchanged in the heat of the moment, especially if those were words no longer meant. Especially if those words held no weight under the tender reassurances which Younghyun would whisper to him at night.
He startles when he sees the look on his mother’s face. Because there are cracks in the glass of her typically unbothered expression. Because there are tears streaming down her cheeks. Because, despite everything she’s put him through, there’s a look of pride in her eyes.
“I love you,” is what she seems to be saying, mouthing the words in his direction as an old bell tolls from afar.
And that’s when he hears it – the slow melody that has already begun, the song that they’d agreed upon. The result of strumming on their guitars at the most godforsaken of hours at night, eyes so full of love as they’d bounced ideas off each other for the lyrics. Ideas which they’d discarded once they realized that no words could ever convey the way they felt about each other. That was how their song was born.
The hushed whispers of everyone who is seated tells him all he needs to know.
Mother and son enter in tow.
Younghyun, with his black hair grown out a little, wearing a black suit which highlights the sharpness of his features, is nothing but determined as his mother leads him to the altar where his future awaits. Younghyun, with his rounded cheeks and tender smiles – the one whom Jae swears to love for the rest of his life.
The sermon is brief; neither too lengthy nor too short, and with a quick nod, the priest tells them that the time has come for them to recite their vows. And, just as they’d planned, Younghyun is the one to speak first.
“Beautiful you,” is what he says, his voice heavy with emotion, “Wonderful you. I want you to know my dedication to you. In this world, I think you’re the one person who doesn’t know it – I think you’re the one person who doesn’t know just how much I love you.”
A sharp exhale cuts through the silence which ensues afterward, and Jae can’t tell if it’s from Younghyun or himself. But Younghyun’s smile is one of adoration and awe as he reaches out to stroke Jae’s cheek.
“You’d always follow my gaze with uncertainty in your eyes, just as the way you'd looked when you saw me walking down the aisle. And, whenever you’d look at me like that, I’d ask you to trust me with your heart. But now,” he continues, subtly wiping away the stray tear mapping its way down Jae’s cheek. “Now, I want you to look at me with this certainty in your eyes for the rest of your life. I want you to entrust yourself to my love. I want you to only look at me.”
A gasp is uttered by one of the many people occupying Jaehyung's side of the garden, and Jae just knows that it’s his mother.
“Why would I look at someone else? When the person right in front of me is the most beautiful being in this entire world? Deep down in your heart, I’m sure you know this already – that I can’t lie to you. I think you can feel my sincerity. Park Jaehyung, it’s never been an easy road for you. I’m sure you’ve struggled a lot beside me, but, I will never leave you unless that’s what you’d ask of me. If you come into my arms, I’ll hold you until your sadness goes away completely.”
A few more tears trickle down Jae's cheeks, and he dabs at the moisture they leave behind with his sleeve. “I— I— I haven’t even started, but I’m already a wreck,” he says, flushing in embarrassment when he hears his voice crack. But Younghyun doesn’t laugh at him. He only looks at him as though he’s hung the moon in the skies and scattered the stars into pathways which form the myriad of constellations which are seen only at night. His gaze grounds him, and he takes a few seconds to compose himself.
“I have no thoughts of sharing this love that I feel with anyone other than you,” he begins, offering Younghyun a watery smile. “Thank you, Younghyun, for being so patient with me – for waiting for me, and for never pushing me, even though I’ve probably been the reason for some of your sleepless nights. But now, Younghyun, I’m ready. And I’m ready for you.” His eyes are sparkling with determination now. “So, don’t worry, my love. There is no one else for me in this world, no one else but you.”
Younghyun’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears, and the sight of him trying his best to stop himself from sobbing aloud has Jaehyung reaching out to intertwine their fingers together. “You see, Younghyun, just like this, I’ll hold onto you tightly with both my hands. So don’t ever let go. Because I have only one love. Not two, but just one. And you’re my only one. No matter where we go, even if we drift apart for a while, I’ll always come back home to you. Because I know now that the way I feel is true.”
The silence which ensues afterward has Jae stealing a glance in his mother’s direction from the corner of his eye, and he sees his father squeezing her shoulder in a gesture that’s meant to provide comfort as she cries. Because, despite everything, she’s smiling brighter than ever.
With that, they exchange rings. Trembling fingers slide golden bands on trembling hands.
From the other corner of the room, Wonpil weeps on Dowoon’s shoulder. The younger of the duo responds by awkwardly patting him on the back, looking as though he’s being suffocated by Wonpil’s grip on his waist. Sungjin, on the other hand, has occupied the seat beside Dowoon, and is frantically wiping away Wonpil’s happy tears with his handkerchief.
Those idiots , Jae thinks, shaking his head fondly.
“You may now kiss the groom.”
Younghyun takes a step toward him, breaching the distance separating them both until their shoes are touching and until their bodies are close enough that they can feel each other’s heat. It’s the determination on his face and the prospect of what’s to come that paints Jae’s cheeks in a pretty shade of pink, and he subconsciously lowers his gaze to Younghyun’s lips – parted, pink, and inviting.
He’s almost certain that the tips of his ears are red.
Younghyun, observant as ever, seems to notice his internal dilemma. He delicately places his palm on Jae’s cheek. The gesture has Jae leaning toward his touch, craving his warmth. “It’s okay, baby.” He whispers, and it’s so sweet and reverent that Jae has to bite down on his lower lip to stop himself from crying.. His other arm moves to his waist, drawing Jae closer. “No need to feel embarrassed. It’s only you and me.”
Jae closes his eyes.
“Shall I kiss you on the cheek?” Younghyun whispers once more, ever so concerned and fond.
He wills himself to breathe. He can do this .
“I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”
It’s when Younghyun least expects it that he kisses him. One hand tugs him by the lapels of his coat, and the other goes to rest on the back of Younghyun’s neck. It’s sweet in a way that almost brings Younghyun to his knees, because he can feel Jae’s love and adoration for him in this kiss. And, although he’s wide-eyed and taken aback for a while, he responds with enthusiasm by slinging his arms around Jae’s neck. He smiles into the kiss, and, with his eyes closed, he feels Jae smile back.
A shriek of joy is heard from Younghyun’s side of the garden, and Dowoon lets out a cheer to accompany it.
“I now pronounce you husband and husband.”
They pull apart then – chests heaving with exhilaration at the thought of facing the future together. Jae is radiant; his cheeks are rosy, with his smile reaffirming the joy he feels. And the sight of him, so beautiful and so full of life, has Younghyun gripping his shoulders as he stands on his tiptoes. To kiss his forehead, and then his cheeks. To kiss him until he's laughing softly under his breath.
Until their hands are intertwined as they race down the aisle.
Until they find a quiet corner to themselves, exchanging sweet kisses in a makeshift haven of their own.
Until Jaehyung’s back is pressed against an old oak tree, with Younghyun’s arms caging him in.
Until the gold of their wedding bands seem to sparkle with the warm light of the setting sun.
Until they're sealing the promise of their futures together with one more kiss. And another. And another.
Because the love they feel for each other is eternal – it'll last forever.