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Honestly, Felix wouldn’t have pictured his life turning out like this.
Before, he would’ve typically fantasised about finishing his degree and getting a job in finance, insurance maybe, or something routine that gave him a schedule. He loved school because it was consistent and uniform and nothing ever happened that shouldn’t. Something in knowing exactly what was going to happen was comforting for him. Uniforms were a godsend to Felix because it meant he didn’t have to spend precious time thinking of what to wear in the mornings, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t dream of a closet full of office wear. Everything had its set time and place and that was how he liked it. He needed structure, because otherwise, what was the point?
Routine was his best friend for as long as he could remember and then all of a sudden everything got flipped upside down.
You never expect to get in a car crash. It’s one of those things that you hear about and go on with your day, thinking ‘that wouldn’t happen to me.’ A variable, if you will. Sure, you might expect a little tap on the back bumper or even some scrapes, but you don’t ever think anything worse could happen. There’s no definite that it won’t happen, but if it hasn’t happened yet, will it ever?
It does happen. Out of the blue. Without hesitation or preparation.
He doesn’t exactly remember the details, everything kind of fuzzy when he tries to think back. He knows it was late. He was on his way back to his apartment, having just gone out for dinner with his college friends after an afternoon class that ran long. Felix enjoyed driving. It was a routine in its own way. The same things need to be done in order to start driving and he always takes the same routes because that’s what he knows and what he knows is safe.
It’s late and it’s dark and the roads are slick from rainfall. It’s a side street, one that Felix is more than familiar with, yet it seems to be emptier than usual.
It’s dark. There’s no one on the road. Felix is humming along to a song on the radio and then there’s a dark shape coming straight for him and he’s a second too late from swerving-
Alarms and flashing colours appear behind his eyes. He groans, and however disoriented he is, he knows that he’s not in the car anymore. There’s a lady beside him in uniform and he can’t make out the words her lips are forming. Shakily, he takes a breath and his mouth fills with saliva. He can’t even get himself over the side of what he now notices is a stretcher, before he throws up bile onto his shoulder.
The world spins, but he’s alive.
The fact that this reality of his was crushed hurt him more than the state of his car. It was a complete write off he later learns, while he’s stuck in his hospital bed looking at photos his mother had taken for him at the scrap yard per his request. He doesn’t know why he asked, but curiosity got the better of him and now he sits there wondering how he wasn’t crushed.
His car had flipped. The other driver had died on impact, supposedly under the influence of a couple of things. Their car was worse than his. Apparently. He found that hard to believe as he just stared at the crumpled coke can of a car his mum had photographed.
Nothing of that night was present in Felix’s mind. Whether he purposefully erased it from his mind or whether he was suffering from some form of memory loss, all he knew was it happened and that everything he knows is not safe.
Coming to terms with the fact that the structure he had spent so long becoming accustomed to was all for nothing was the most difficult part of recovery. If anything the crash had done more mental damage, leaving him bedridden for longer than his leg had. Luckily, he only came out concussed, with a broken leg and bruises so dark the pressure of the shower water made him weep. A miracle, really.
He had moved back in with his parents, per the doctor’s request. Felix was doing better, physically. His crutches had become an extension of him by now, and his bruises were just slight discolorations.
Living with his parents again had taken some time to get used to. For whatever reason, everything was an issue. His biggest problem was transportation. Public transport specifically. Sure, it was structured and ran on a schedule but Felix wasn’t in control of that, so therefore it was unreliable. On top of that, there was underlying anxiety about the whole thing; crutches on a bus just… Spelled some form of disaster to Felix. It’s not like he had anywhere to be anyway. Didn’t want to go anywhere anyway, so why was he so caught up on it?
He spent months in his room, just laying in a bed that wasn’t even his wondering when he would stop hurting. At least there was somewhat of a consistency that came with depression. Days after days of nothing but emptiness and tiresome existence.
He’d heard that some people spend their time sleeping, to distract themselves or something. And he tried it but he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, not being able to stay down for any longer than an hour. His mind was oh, so gracious enough to form small flashes of the night. Wrecked cars. Mangled bodies with his pale, lifeless face crudely superimposed on top like a sick photo manipulation. Scenarios that he knew weren’t entirely accurate but served in a way to keep him up at night. Fill in the gaps. He was miserable.
He hated to admit that he kind of liked it. No one told him he was an emotional masochist. He wouldn’t dare tell a soul, at times it even felt wrong for him to think it to himself. But the lack of sleep and the horrific images imprinted behind his eyelids, and this empty, dark feeling that had settled so deeply into his bones that he was sure he was just born like this, were comforting. At least it was something he had a hold of. The one part of his hurt that he could control.
He was referred to a psychologist, something anyone could have seen coming. After countless video call appointments with doctors, due to there being too much anxiety being in a car, they had diagnosed him with a number of things; anxiety, PTSD. It was meant to help him and help other professionals help him, but doctors are exhausting and they only make people feel worse. Felix’s university was kind enough to let him defer his course for a year. He was so close to dropping out, the email still sat in his drafts, but his mother had encouraged him to take the time off. College was just too much, on top of the medical checkups and now, therapy. And life, really.
If it wasn’t for his father’s insistent ways, Felix would have spent forever locked away in that room because it was his new constant. His father was a firm but gentle soul and his patience never wore thin when Felix struggled to even sit in a car. But with careful pushing, they eventually managed to finally get Felix to his first therapy appointment.
The first few times he broke down. Upon the weeks leading up to the first appointment, Felix thought that he was dead enough inside to talk about the events without feeling anything, but the woman was kind and attentive. She let him cry in her stupidly expensive chair and end the session prematurely.
Little by little, he worked through it.
Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, his cast was ready to be removed. His dad had been subtly suggesting that Felix consider driving again. He was opposed to it at first. He couldn’t imagine being in that position again, it made him mad. It took him some time to feel comfortable sitting in the driver's seat again, and that was a struggle because who knew sitting in a seat could be so difficult.
Took even more time to be comfortable driving. All he felt was frustration, and he only disappointed himself when he shocked his dad with an unprompted outburst. It took months before he could drive further than two blocks without feeling his chest tighten and bile rise.
Everything was a struggle and a frustration and an overbearing effort. Letting down the people who were there for him tugged somewhere in his heart but he didn’t know if he had it in him to keep trying. It sucked, and he spent plenty of time beating himself up over being a twenty three year old scared of driving, but some progress was being made. He was doing something at least, even if it was emotionally exhausting. He was moving and he was feeling, even if it was a pain.
If there was one thing he was glad to have back from all of his grief, it was the freedom of driving. He was better, not entirely, but he was making it to his appointments alone. He’d missed driving. He missed listening to the radio as he drove, singing along, just being. That’s how he found a new outlet in going for drives along the highway with his music blasting and only the tiniest of anxiety swirling in the pit of his stomach.
He was at a stoplight on the main street waiting for the arrow to turn green, windows rolled down to let the breeze flutter his hair. It was nice. He felt good. Another car pulled up beside him loudly, not only from the heavy bass but from the engine itself, and he turned his head to see one of the most beautiful people he’d ever laid eyes on. The man glowed, his blonde hair tied under a headband like a restricted halo, and tiny braids that peeked out swayed in the wind. Entranced, Felix’s heart jumped in his throat when the man turned to face him, full lips sliding into a smirk. He pushed his shades down his nose, eyes twinkling.
“Arrow’s green, gorgeous.”
Little steps by little steps because when routine breaks, you make a new one.
He’d recovered, as much as someone who felt like they'd practically died could. Or recovering. When did recovery even stop? It was a loop. Like a wash cycle with no rinse. Over and over and over.
And over and over.
It had been how many years since the accident? Two? And yet, some days when he thinks he’s okay, he’ll suddenly be trapped in the front seat of his car, hands gripping the wheel as he sobbed.
This whole anxiety thing did nothing for his routine.
By some crazy luck, Felix had managed to land a job in a bank after graduating. It wasn’t insurance but it was something and honestly, the job wasn’t too bad. He had an income now, which was always good. Even though he had something to busy himself with, it didn’t feel the same as college.
He had a job now. A job he’s been dreaming for his whole life, yet it wasn’t what he thought it would be. Every day was just the same thing over and over again and yes it brought some peace of mind, but it was boring. After all these years, Felix just wasn’t passionate about finance anymore.
In fact, he wonders if he’d been in a daze that whole time because literally who the fuck likes finance. The pay was decent, sure, but the number of times he just wanted to swipe his hand through the piles of documents and watch them fly around his small office cubicle outweighed the numbers in his bank account.
He needed a change. Maybe something bad for him.
That’s how he found him.
He recognises the car from the lights two years ago in the parking lot outside the liquor store as he pulls in next to it.
He isn’t sure at first, there are a million cars he passes by on the daily, but he’s only seen one car of this make where a glittering cherry blossom keyring hung from the rearview mirror. His suspicions are only confirmed when the owner of the car walks out of the store. A bottle of alcohol wrapped in a paper bag obscures Felix’s vision of the man’s face as he watches the other take a huge swig, but he just knows it’s him.
The bottle lowers and he’s right.
He looks the same, but different. His hair is longer, left out instead of tied up this time and the blond is growing out because his roots stand out like a black stripe. But it looks good only in a way that he could pull it off.
He looks older too, having grown into his face by now. Felix is suddenly taken back by how much time has a hold on things, but he’s still as handsome as the last time. Still beautiful and it makes his stomach erupt into a flurry and it makes his hands itch to open his door and talk to the man.
It’s impulsive the way he moves, anxiety licking at his consciousness, but there’s nothing really going through his mind other than ‘You need to talk to him. He’s probably bad for you but a small chat wouldn’t hurt.’ He’s out of the car before he knows it, and the guy is taking yet another mouthful of his drink and Felix is in front of him in a matter of seconds.
“You shouldn’t drink and drive you know.”
The bottle lowers for the second time and Felix is met with a scrutinizing gaze that has his heart battering in his chest. It’s then he realises there’s a height difference between them and something dark and hot settles the butterflies in his stomach. After a few moments, the man’s look melds into one of recognition and Felix explodes into bubbles.
“You also shouldn’t talk to strangers.” His voice is sweet without the sound of an engine muffling it, and his eyes flit down and up, leaving Felix feeling prickly all over. “Have we met before?”
“Uhm, no. But I’ve seen your car around…” I’ve seen you before, is what he would say if he was just that bit more confident and less of a mess of weird hot and wobbly feelings.
“It’s nice, hey.” Felix just nods along, because he knows nothing about cars and he wants to hold this guy’s attention for as long as he can. “What’s your name?”
“Felix.” His name was out of his mouth quicker than the question could be asked but he had no time to be embarrassed because the other was stepping closer to him, the bottle rising to his lips. “You really shouldn’t-”
“Did you wanna drive me home?”
The question stumps Felix. Drive him home? “Sorry what?”
“Drive me home? Since it’s so bad to drink and drive.” His eyes glitter with a challenge and Felix finds himself mesmerised, hanging onto every word.
“I don’t even know your name.” He sighs out, but he’s reaching for his keys anyway.
“It’s Hyunjin. Ready to go?”
Hyunjin was surprisingly a pleasure to drive. Sure, he turned up the radio a little too loud and yeah, he threw his empty bottle out of the window onto the highway, but Felix was far too enamoured to care. Hyunjin lived on the northside. It made sense because he oozed city boy vibes and he just felt way too out of Felix’s league. It was a wonder how he even got him in his car, an even bigger wonder why he was so far out.
“If you live in the city, how come you’re down here?”
Felix took a quick side glance, taking in the way Hyunjin had happily made himself comfortable in his seat; legs pulled up into his chest as he shovelled nugget after nugget into his mouth. It was cute, the way he had asked Felix to pull into a McDonalds drive-through so they had food for the trip.
“I like to drive.” He dipped a nugget into the sauce and held it out for Felix, who declined. “The highway is nice to drive on.”
He can’t really argue, there was a time when he loved driving too. He still liked it, sure, but the accident just made it less of an enjoyment and more of a hassle. Still, he found the stop-start traffic in peak hours not that much of a pain, because it provided moments where he could just sit and be still for a while.
“No other reason other than driving?” Surely there had to be something (or someone garnering enough attention from Hyunjin to be driving all this way). “I mean you left your car in the parking lot.”
“I can have someone get it for me, don’t worry.” He had moved on to his chips by now, noisily slurping down his coke between feeding himself. “I like how quiet it is away from the city.”
The conversation kept steady. Felix found out that Hyunjin was one of those people who jumped jobs often, but was currently unemployed.
“I’ve got my fingers in a lot of pies.” He spoke so nonchalantly yet his voice was coloured with a knowing lilt that had Felix wanting to know what kind of pies Hyunjin was involved with. “It keeps me busy. Interested, mostly, but I don’t like sitting around doing the same thing all the time.”
“You looking for anything at the moment?”
“Not really, last chip?” Felix took the food this time. “I’m on a self-given leave.”
Felix hummed. He knew all about self-given leaves. “So what do you busy yourself with if you aren’t working?”
“Whatever grabs my interest. The city is full of things to do, I don’t really need to think.”
He wonders what it’s like to not have to plan for things. To just be out and about and doing whatever looks like fun to do at the time. Maybe he’s a bit envious of Hyunjin for that. He guesses he already has a taste, he wouldn’t normally be driving a stranger home.
“What about you? You look like you need to let loose a little bit.”
Felix winces because he’s never been read so quickly. “Yeah, I work in finance for a local company.”
“Do you like it?”
“Fuck no.”
Hyunjin quickly instructs Felix to take an off-ramp and turn left at the first street. It’s a nice neighbourhood, that’s for sure. Felix wonders how Hyunjin can afford to live here when he’s not working. They pull into a sloped driveway, a huge, white house with wide glass panels rolling into view. Felix can’t help but curse when he realises just how big it is.
“Nice place.” Is all he manages to get out and Hyunjin’s turning to face him, smile wide.
“I had to sell a couple of organs to get it.” Felix laughs along. Hyunjin looks really proud to own the house. And he has every right to because that’s all anyone really ever wants, isn’t it? “We should hang out again.”
Felix once again agrees as if his life depends on it. Hyunjin’s handing him his phone, expression cool as Felix thumbs in his phone number. Their fingers brush when Felix hands the phone back and he hopes Hyunjin doesn’t take notice of the blush spreading across his cheeks.
“I’ll see you around, Felix.” And he’s leaping up the stairs and disappearing behind a huge wooden door.
Hyunjin must have a habit of showing up and then disappearing because Felix doesn’t hear from him for months.
It’s a stupidly late time of the night, somewhere around 2 am and his phone dings once then twice from somewhere in his covers. It’s enough to wake him up because no one messages at this time. He turns on his side lamp, sitting up in his place as he fumbles for his phone in the blankets. The first thing he does is turn down the brightness because he winces away when he’s blinded momentarily. He opens his messages and is disappointed to find that it’s from an unsaved number in his phone. He considers leaving it for the morning, but the preview has him intrigued.
“‘U up?’ Huh…” He whispers the message to himself and decides that he will click on the chat.
The message above it takes his attention though.
2:10: It’s Hyunjin
2:11: U up?
Hyunjin’s messaging him. At 2 am. Asking if he’s up.
Suddenly he’s wide awake. He sends back a message and is surprised when it gets read almost immediately. The small text bubble appears and Felix vibrates with nerves.
2:13: I need ur help
“He needs my help.” Felix can’t hold back his smile, hands shaking in anticipation watching the text bubble appear again before suddenly disappearing and being replaced with an incoming call. He picks it up, trying to calm himself before he answers.
“Hello?”
There’s light static before Hyunjin’s voice rings clear. “Felix, hey.”
He sounds breathy and Felix would be lying if he said it didn’t do something to him.
“Hey Hyunjin, what's up?”
“I hate to have to ask you, but can I borrow your car?”
Borrow his car? He has a car. “Uh, I mean-”
“Not borrow but like, could you drive me somewhere? Pick me up, I don’t know. A friend was meant to but they bailed and I can’t use mine.”
“Is your car okay?”
“It’s fine but I just need yours. When can you leave?”
Felix can’t comprehend what’s going on. This was not the route he was expecting their conversation to go but the urgency in Hyunjin’s voice had him pulling on a pair of jeans and changing out of his sleep shirt.
“I can leave now. Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, everything's okay. I’ll send you my location.”
“Location? You’re not stranded are you?”
His phone dings again and he sees that Hyunjin is in a town not so far away from him. What’s he doing on the southside again?
“Not for long I hope.” Felix can hear his smile through the phone. “And bring a shovel.”
The call ends.
He follows the map all the way to where Hyunjin is located. It takes him to the outskirts of the suburb and Felix pulls up on the side of the street. He has two options: the block of apartments to his left or the cemetery on his right. He calls Hyunjin and he picks up on the fourth ring.
“Hey, I’m here. Which apartment are you in?”
“You’re gonna want to walk a fair way into the cemetery.”
“Um.”
“Do you trust me, Felix?”
It’s a loaded question, he can feel it. Do you trust me? Everyone knows that there’s only one answer to that.
“Yeah, of course.”
Hyunjin makes a sound of approval and Felix melts. Hyunjin tells him to not follow the path at all and to instead start walking straight up the hill until he comes to a gravestone that’s been recently cleaned.
“What if all the ones around it are cleaned too?”
“They won’t be. Once you get to it, make your way to your left until you hit the pathway again and follow it for a couple of meters. I’ll wait for you on it.”
“How big is this place?” Felix wonders how long it’s going to be before he finds Hyunjin.
“Big enough.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t know why he’s not asking questions, because he has a lot and none of them are being magically answered.
“You have a shovel right?”
Felix takes a side glance into the back seat of his car where his dad’s shovel lays. “Yeah…”
“Great. I’ll see you soon then.”
He can’t help but feel a sense of dread as he stands outside the cemetery gates with a shovel in his hands. You really only bring a shovel to a cemetery for not even a handful of reasons and it was like a sick party trick that he had to find out which one it was. Felix took one last glance around to make sure no one was around, but all the lights in the apartment buildings were out.
So he walked in. He had never been in a cemetery really, the only memory is when his grandmother died when he was a child, but the memory is hazy. He’s pained to realise that cemeteries at night are just as creepy as people say they are. He’d been momentarily hoping that it would be some walk in the park but the second he stepped foot in, it was just bad. He shouldn’t be here, not because of some ghostly entity or a bad vibe telling him to leave, but it was just disrespectful. He’s in a place of rest, he should leave.
But Hyunjin needs him. As much as he doesn’t know the other man, as much as he’s a stranger to him, he needs him and Felix doesn’t remember when the last time someone needed him was.
So he walks for what feels like forever. His phone is slowly losing life and for a second, stories about ghosts draining batteries cross his mind, until he remembers that he was woken up at 2 am and he had forgotten to put his phone on charge before going to bed. As he hopes he isn’t too far from Hyunjin, he comes across the cleaned gravestone which shines brightly in the moonlight amongst the others like some kind of beacon. It’s a little bit eerie and way too coincidental for Felix’s tastes, but he ventures on and finds himself quickly at the pathway.
He knows what Hyunjin means by ‘big enough’ now. The pathway stretches for a long, long time. It winds too, which Hyunjin hadn’t told him about and there’s no sign of a tall, handsome man in his line of sight either. He’s tired of walking, not physically but mentally. He should be asleep right now, not trekking through somewhere he definitely does not want to get caught in, Especially with a fucking shovel.
To keep himself at some level of sanity as he finds himself at the first bend, he starts singing to himself under his breath, so quiet that only he and the resting souls can hear his frightened rendition of Britney Spears ‘...Baby One More Time.’ Maybe running would get him to Hyunjin quicker, but already his footsteps sound too loud and he doesn’t want to think about bodies jumping in their graves as he gallops his way in fear.
He checks the time. It’s somewhere around 2:50, meaning he’s been walking for almost twenty minutes, which is more than enough time spent walking around alone in a graveyard. He’s about to start the next song of his Britney concert, ‘Toxic’ lined up and ready to go when he hears something that sounds like his name being whispered.
“...Hello?” His voice is shaky but it’s loud enough that it even startles himself. He thinks he might have been hearing things, psyching himself out in a way. But the night is too quiet for him to be making up voices, if he listens hard enough he could hear the ants. “Hyunjin?”
There’s a crunch to his right and he turns around, knowing that what he’s going to see is Hyunjin, but his tall figure scares him anyway and he lets out a shriek, and his shovel drops to the ground with a clang. Hyunjin’s on him within a second, one arm around his neck and the other clamped so tightly over his mouth Felix is surprised at the strength Hyunjin has. All he can do is look up at him with wide eyes.
Hyunjin looks wild. A ferocious glint in his eyes and Felix feels that for a second he’s a trapped hare.
“Don’t squeak. Got it?”
Felix is nodding, head bouncing back off of Hyunjin’s forearm. The weight of the situation drops on him suddenly. The other’s demeanor is all… Wrong. It’s not the Hyunjin he’d seen at the stoplights or drove home from the liquor store.
“Good. I can let you go and you’re not gonna scream again, are you?” Felix shakes his head and takes a deep breath in when Hyunjin releases him from his hold.
He rubs his neck to ease the discomfort and avoids looking at any part of Hyunjin as the other composes himself.
“Sorry, you just have to be quiet.” Hyunjin crouches down to pick up Felix’s fallen shovel and looks up at him with a sly grin. It gives Felix whiplash how quickly Hyunjin’s face switches. “We’re going treasure hunting.”
Felix has questions. So, so many questions and there are red flags everywhere, yet there’s no time to acknowledge them because Hyunjin is leading him through rows of headstones until they come face to face with a machine. One of those diggers.
“Hyunjin, I don’t think we should be here.” He looks around him, waiting for a guard or a worker to appear. “A worker might show up, clearly they’re in the middle of something”
“It’s called a backhoe,” Hyunjin turns around and Felix takes notice of what exactly he’s wearing, a name tag glints under the moonlight and reads ‘Isaac.’
“Isaac doesn’t suit you.” He scrunches his nose. If Hyunjin wanted to go by another name he really could have chosen literally any other name-
“Well, that’s a relief because it definitely suits the guy passed out in the staff room.”
He stops in his place. Panic rises within him and he stares at Hyunjin in disbelief. Hyunjin who is currently climbing into the machine and starting it up. His heart is pounding for a whole different reason and all he can think is what he’s gotten himself into. He should run. Or scream or call the cops. Something. Anything.
But there’s adrenaline running through his veins and a shovel in his hands. And a very alluring, very mysterious, and totally bad for him guy who wants to take him treasure hunting in the middle of the night.
A man who needs him, albeit for criminal means.
So Felix acts on a whim, Hyunjin’s adrenaline must be contagious. He jumps up on the side of the digger and his footing slips. He’s caught by a hand grabbing onto his shirt and it’s comical how movie-esque it all is. Hyunjin pulls him in, enough for him to steady himself again and he softly pants in the space between them. When he calms himself down, he meets Hyunjin’s eyes and he breaks out in a dizzying smile.
“What was the point of bringing a shovel?”
“I wanted to sound mysterious.” Hyunjin shrugs and Felix tries to not lean too much into the arm that’s around his waist.
“Well,” He takes a look around, “What can I do to help?”
The night stays with him and only him. He doesn’t tell a soul, doesn’t even talk about it with Hyunjin who’s taken to blowing up his phone.
They talk about normal things. Act like Hyunjin didn’t whisk him away for a night of grave robbing. The only time they come anywhere close to mentioning it was when Hyunjin called him a few weeks later asking to meet up at a small diner. He had passed him a full envelope, something Felix had only seen on TV and gave the man sitting across from him a questioning look.
“Your cut. Don’t spend it too quickly.”
He had buried it straight away. No way was he risking any dirty money being traced back to him. Only if he was in a real emergency would he touch the bands of money in the dirt. He didn’t think the jewelry they’d dug up would be worth that much. Hyunjin must’ve done something extra, who knows.
They had got close, very quickly. Whether it be because they had a secret to keep or if it was the continued advances Hyunjin had been making, Felix was head over heels. He was a flirt, and maybe Felix was too, who could blame him. It was nice having this attention. Even though he felt like Hyunjin was only doing it to keep him under wraps, there was something genuine about him that kept Felix thinking that maybe this was his shot at the change he needed.
Hanging out was something that happened on the regular too. Always spontaneous and never planned. Felix felt alive like this. Hyunjin was a breath of fresh air and Felix had been gulping him down. He was addicted. Couldn’t get enough of him and every time Hyunjin pulled into his parent’s driveway in his car that was way too loud, his stomach would unknot itself and he felt light. But still, it’s a surprise that when Hyunjin is throwing him a packet of chips for movie night, he asks a question.
“If I asked you out, what would you say?”
Felix chokes on his cider, the sour fruity flavour scratching at his throat. “Is this a trick question or..?”
They’re already partially tangled up together in Hyunjin’s house, Felix’s legs in the other’s lap and Hyunjin’s arm resting on the back of the lounge. He pulls away, legs curling into himself while Hyunjin just looks at him, a weirdly soft expression on his face.
“Hyunjin, what-”
He doesn’t move, shocked still. Suddenly a hand is cradling his face and he remembers that it’s good manners to move when kissing someone you’ve thought about for ages.
“Wait.”
They pull away from each other and Felix can hear his heartbeat in his ears. He’s dumbfounded, but so happy, that he dissolves into a fit of laughter. Hyunjin doesn’t move or say anything, just sits there brushing his thumb across Felix’s cheek and smiles.
“Start over?”
He’s ready when Hyunjin moves closer. The butterflies in his stomach set alight when their lips meet. Hyunjin kisses like he actually means it. Like he would drop everything for Felix to say yes if he asked him out. A promise that he’d take care of him and love him.
Hyunjin’s hand moves down to his neck, thumb resting in the dip of his collarbones. Felix parts his lips, hoping Hyunjin would take notice of the invitation and he hums lowly when Hyunjin’s tongue licks at his teeth. He untangles his legs from Hyunjin’s and climbs into the other’s lap, running his hands under Hyunjin’s jacket.
Their kiss deepens as Hyunjin pulls their chests flush together and kneads at the muscles in his thigh. It feels good, drawing a moan out of Felix so Hyunjin does it again, just to get the same reaction out of him. Arousal starts to bubble under his skin and his clothes are almost too warm for him now. He unzips his jacket and presses one last kiss to Hyunjin’s lips before sinking onto the floor on his knees. His fingers tease the waistband of Hyunjin’s sweats.
“Ask me again.”
Hyunjin lets his pants get pulled down to his thighs.
Felix was asked twice. Once before he blew Hyunjin to the moon and back, and once the day after when Hyunjin took him out to the beach before the sun had even finished rising. It was far from what Felix had been imagining, but Hyunjin as a whole was far from what he was expecting.
Maybe they were moving too fast. Felix had been itching to move out of his parent's house, and Hyunjin had more than enough room for him. In fact, Hyunjin had invited him and like always, Felix was there agreeing. So they packed up his things with his parent's approval, which was another very surprising outcome, and he left.
Living together was incredible. Felix would say it was maybe the best thing that had ever happened to him. Hyunjin was fun and lively and kept Felix on his toes, in all aspects of their relationship. The sex was passionate and fiery, Felix couldn’t remember the last time he was fucked into a mattress until his legs gave out was. It was invigorating. He just felt alive being near Hyunjin. He was like a moth to a flame and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
The only thing that tugged on Felix’s overwhelming happiness was that one night. It was months ago by now and Hyunjin never said a word. He often wondered if it was something he had just made up, but the wads of cash that were still buried in the park across his parent's house told him it was real. Bringing it up crossed his mind, more often than not but it wasn’t until Hyunjin had been coming home later than usual that Felix decided that if there was ever a time, it would be now.
“What happened that night?”
It was the first thing he said to Hyunjin when his boyfriend walked in, hair wet from the rain. He was given a smirk and he watched Hyunjin saunter his way over, heavy jacket falling onto the tiles. He happily accepted the kiss, warmth settling into his bones.
“Which night?”
“That night. The one we never talk about.”
Hyunjin hummed, the smirk never leaving his face. “It was fun right?”
That wasn’t the answer Felix was looking for, but at least Hyunjin was open to talking about it, if this was what being open sounded like. But his boyfriend was right. He really couldn’t deny it. The way his body had thrummed with something akin to fire and ice as they dug up those poor people’s graves and stole right out of their dead hands was like nothing he had ever felt. The guilt was easy to deal with too. That was the most interesting part. He thought that he’d be riddled with anxiety but he felt… Nothing really. He moved on quickly. He just did it and let it slip into the recesses of his mind.
He breathed out, “Yeah.”
Hyunjin planted himself in Felix’s lap, cold and damp. “You did really well.”
Felix grinned. “What? Was it some kind of test run or something?”
There was a deep, innate aching inside of him that wished Hyunjin could read exactly what he was asking.
“Did you like it that much?” Hyunjin planted a kiss onto the corner of his mouth, and then onto his jaw and down his neck.
“I don't know.” He leaned his head back to give Hyunjin more space. “Kinda.”
His boyfriend sucked a bruise, pretty and dark onto the base of his throat and kissed over it.
“Give me a few days. I have an idea.”
There were times when Hyunjin had better ideas. This idea took the cake.
Felix had been promised that everything would be okay, that Hyunjin had done this a million times but that didn’t settle the uneasiness that shrouded him. Felix wasn’t sure how this counted as easy money, because it was anything but easy, but he trusted Hyunjin.
Stealing from old, rich men was not something Felix had ever dreamed of doing, but a little more money and some nice designer clothes really never hurt anyone. Except maybe himself and the old man.
“Hyunjin… What the fuck do we do?”
It wasn’t meant to turn out like this.
The plan was that they followed the man to the bar and Hyunjin would hit him up, coax him into taking him home. Felix was only mildly uncomfortable with the fact that Hyunjin was so willing to sleep with this man just to rob him after. Felix was meant to come into the picture while Hyunjin and the man were doing… Whatever it was, and just bag a couple of pricey looking things and bounce. What wasn’t meant to happen was the man’s wife showing up, seeing her husband spread out under his boyfriend.
Felix panicked.
“Hyunjin seriously…” Red pooled around Felix’s feet.
It was an accident. Felix panicked and he hit the woman over the head with a hefty statue he was holding and as she fell to the floor she hit her head against the sharp corner of a coffee table. She had to be dead. There was too much blood.
“Felix, I need you to calm down.”
He tore his eyes away from the floor where he stood to see Hyunjin wiping his hands off on the man’s expensive shirt and hastily pulling on his slacks. Felix didn’t want to look at the mess on his boyfriend’s chest and on the bed.
“That’s a lot to ask of me right now-”
“Felix! For me, please?”
He stood in the blood, focusing on his breathing. The techniques he learned from therapy usually worked, but they worked in places where the scent of iron didn’t sting his nostrils with every intake of air he took. It only made him panic harder, tears building. He whined, “Hyunjin…”
Within a second, Hyunjin was there. His hands cradled his face, engulfed him in his warmth and for a minute Felix forgot about the two bodies in the house.
“You’re okay. It’s gonna be okay, we just need to get rid of them that’s all.”
Felix groaned, ugly and hurt. His vision was blurry with tears. He let himself fall into Hyunjin, body heaving as he sobbed. Everything had gone so wrong. This was all so wrong. Hyunjin told him everything was going to be okay, he was still telling him everything was going to be fine but this was next level. They had just… He couldn’t even bear to think it.
“You can do this okay. We’ll be alright.”
He was exhausted. He couldn’t cry any longer because they had a job to do and he would only be letting Hyunjin down if he kept sobbing. So he took a deep breath, looked Hyunjin in the eyes and kissed him. As much as it pained him to stop grieving for these people, he had to move on. He had to think of a solution and it took everything in him to stop himself from throwing up when he croaked out a suggestion.
“Toilet.”
“Are you going to puke?”
“We need to-” Felix sighed and wiped away his tears. “We can flush them.”
“What?”
“I heard it somewhere, just, do you trust me, Hyunjin?” It was his turn to ask. Hyunjin looked at him with conviction and a fire in his eyes.
“Of course.”
Cutting up a body was no easy task. Especially with such limited supplies. Hyunjin was smart and prepared enough to have packed a saw, but even then it was difficult getting through the bigger bones.
“I can’t get through his leg.” Felix was in the middle of taking a break to vomit when Hyunjin called out to him.
“Try harder.” He coughed, bile rising in his throat.
“The blade snapped.”
“Fuck.” He flushed the toilet. “I’ll go check the garage.”
He didn’t know what he was expecting, but there was nothing that could help them in the garage beside a hammer. “This is all there is.”
Hyunjin looked up from his place on the floor, “That’s better than nothing.”
He was stuck with dealing with the wife. Funny that, since his boyfriend slept with the husband after all. He tried not to think about it. It was purely just so they could get some shit and go. But Felix made the mistake of glancing into the room as he passed and the image stayed fresh behind his eyes. He was bothered, sure, maybe even a little pissed now. He figured that was why he was able to hack off the flesh and muscle without care anymore. They were just left with bones now, all the fleshy bits were stuffed and flushed away.
But the heads.
“We might need to take these in a doggy bag.” Hyunjin gestured down to the dismembered corpses and the bones that couldn’t be shattered anymore. “I don’t think we’re getting anything more down the toilet tonight.”
Felix gagged, the smell of it all getting to him. “I don't know, I think I might chuck again.”
They made it home at an ungodly hour of the morning. The remains were scattered on their way back, small detours here and there to make sure that everything was spread. The heads stayed with them, wrapped up in the backseat of Hyunjin’s car since they couldn’t just chuck those in a forest off the road and go.
The road trip was silent. Hyunjin tried making conversation but Felix shut him out. All he could think about was that they just home wrecked a family, at the very surface of it all. And that his boyfriend offered himself up like some five star meal and that he just let him. He couldn’t believe it. For what? For the bag of jewelry and trunk of art? They’d get a pretty penny for it all, yeah, but Felix just didn’t know if it was worth it. After hours, Hyunjin was finally pulling into their garage. His boyfriend made a move to get out of the car but stopped because Felix just sat there, stewing.
“Why don’t you let me fuck you?” His voice came out colder than he thought he was capable of. Hyunjin rarely looked stunned, but Felix could see Hyunjin’s eyes shake. “You know... Because you were very happy to let that man shove his dick in you.”
“Felix?”
“And you rode him too. Willingly.” He was fuming. “Do you know how tired I get when I do that shit while you just lay there?”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Hyunjin was the definition of deer in the headlights. “Felix, what’s-”
“Are you in pain? Did he stretch you enough? Because I know you haven’t bottomed for a while. Not for me anyway.” He couldn’t stop himself. He knows he should just shut up and let it go and talk about it like an adult, but he was scared. Scared and disappointed and upset and full of vile word vomit.
“It didn’t mean anything, you know that.”
“Tell me you didn’t just plan that so you could get laid.”
“Why would I?”
“Am I not good enough or something?”
“God, that’s not-”
“Then what is it?”
Hyunjin doesn’t reply. They just sit there for some heartbeats, Felix’s heavy breathing the only sound in the car and he thinks about how Hyunjin looks like he’s about to be swallowed. He doesn’t know who moves, but he’s suddenly locking lips with Hyunjin in a battle for dominance. Hyunjin isn’t putting up much of a fight, letting Felix lead for once and he all but growls into the other’s mouth. He didn’t even notice his body reacting or his jeans growing tighter the longer he spat words at Hyunjin.
They broke apart to frantically tug off their pants, gazes heated on one another. Hyunjin crawls his way across the middle compartment into Felix’s lap and captures him in a spit-slick kiss again. One of his hands reaches down between them to grasp both their lengths, stroking them together. Felix decides desperate looks good on Hyunjin. It’s so different from how he usually is and it leaves him feeling superior almost. Like he’s finally torn down the exterior Hyunjin’s had up all this time. Hyunjin moves to line Felix up with his hole when he’s stopped.
“Do you really think I want to fuck you after him?” His words are laced with venom but the way he takes his dick into his own hands and teases it against Hyunjin’s entrance reveals his true intentions. The head catches on the rim and he almost slides in, a pathetic whine from Hyunjin makes him smile. “You’re still loose.”
“You know you want to.” Hyunjin’s breathless.
“What do I get out of it?” He’s being mean, he knows it. Hyunjin’s giving him reactions like never before though and it spurs him on. Makes him want to be meaner.
“You don’t have to do anything, I’ll make you feel good.”
His cock throbs in his grasp at the promise, head slick with precum and he lets it smear across Hyunjin’s hole. It’s like a game of cat and mouse, the way that Hyunjin tries his hardest to press against Felix’s length in hopes it’ll slip in before Felix holds it just out of reach. He wants to test Hyunjin’s limits, wants to see how far he can string it out before Hyunjin starts begging. He can’t help the sadistic smile that makes its way onto his face when one of Hyunjin’s hands untangles from his shirt to grip tightly at the base of his own dick. Felix coos.
“Are you seriously that close?” He unlatches his hand from Hyunjin’s thigh to press his thumb less than kindly under the ridge, and Hyunjin jolts in his lap. He collects the beading fluid on his fingers and spreads it down the length of Hyunjin’s cock. It shines slick in the dim lighting.
“I didn’t get off.” Hyunjin’s brow is pinched tight in concentration.
“So you were hard that whole time?” Hyunjin whimpered and shook his head. It left his mouth tasting sour at the implication, but the admission that the poor old man couldn’t get his boyfriend to finish softened the situation.
“I really want to cum.” He rocked in his place, feeling Felix grow harder against him.
He didn’t want to be cruel, not anymore, but Hyunjin was literally falling apart on top of him and he has Felix wondering if this was something they should’ve talked about sooner. He feels inclined to stop and talk about it, but he feels like he’ll ruin the mood. The least he can do is check in with him.
“Are you alright with this?” Hyunjin rocks down harder and stifles a moan.
He nods, hair covering his eyes and the car is filled with a drawn out moan when Felix’s shirt brushes against his cock. “Love it, please fuck me.”
It’s not the most coherent reply he’d been expecting, but Hyunjin had been lust dizzy the second they started kissing. And awfully whiny. Felix gets tired of his whining. As much as he’d love to hear it any other time, right now all he wants is for Hyunjin to just stop talking. He looks for something to gag him with, but the car wasn’t exactly equipped with much he could work with so he shoves two of his fingers in his boyfriend’s mouth.
Hyunjin moans loudly around them when Felix finally slides in, bottoming out almost instantly. He wastes no time either, starting to frantically bounce in Felix’s lap. Hyunjin feels amazing. Felix wonders why it had to take him yelling at Hyunjin to get his walls squeezing around him but he’s thankful it happened eventually. He looks incredible, hair bouncing in time as he moves and Felix thinks to himself how lucky he is.
He notices Hyunjin’s cock bobbing along, his hand still wrapped tightly to stop himself from coming too early. Felix finds it cute in a way, at least as cute as a dick can get, and he doesn’t have a chance to think it through before he bats at it. The length jumps, threatening to release and Hyunjin’s pace falters as he twitches. The strangled moan he gets is enough of a reward, so he does it again, continuously until Hyunjin’s stopped bouncing and is just thrusting up into each touch.
“Felix-ah!” Hyunjin cries out around his fingers so he presses down on his tongue. He smooths a hand across Hyunjin’s thigh, feeling him shake around him as the other lands one last slap against the tip. His fingers come back wet with precum. Hyunjin’s babbling is garbled, “Close, close.”
In the most ideal situation, Felix wants to make Hyunjin finish just from his one second touches, but he’s also reaching his limit and he’d rather save that for a time when he can really put Hyunjin to the test. It’s difficult to move how he wants to in the cramped space of Hyunjin’s car, but he finds a rhythm good enough that has Hyunjin screaming around his digits, drool sliding past the corners of his mouth.
“You should see yourself, you’re a mess.” He wipes his spit slick fingers down Hyunjin’s chin as he grips tightly at thin hips.
Felix can feel himself getting closer, just teetering on the edge of his climax. Hyunjin’s bracing one arm against the roof of the car as the other clutches onto the headrest of the seat for life. He drags him down, licking hotly into his mouth as he speeds up his thrusting and the sound of their skin slapping together tips him over the edge. He comes in thick spurts, feeling like his cock doesn’t stop pulsing for ages as he fills Hyunjin. He thinks it might be the hardest he’s ever cum and he can feel his release slide out past Hyunjin’s rim.
Through his post-orgasm haze, he feels Hyunjin still erratically grinding down on his length. It’s uncomfortable but without thinking, he’s helping him grind down on his cock. He moves to get a hand on Hyunjin’s ruddy cock but he’s stopped quickly with a whine.
“Want to come from your cock.” Hyunjin slurs.
His bones feel like mush inside him, so he just sits there while Hyunjin moves. He runs his hands up and down Hyunjin’s stomach, feeling the muscles shift underneath them. He smiles through the daze and cheekily pinches one of his boyfriend’s nipples between his fingers before rolling the bud between them.
Hyunjin shudders, “Keep-”
Felix brought up his other hand. He toyed with the rosy buds as Hyunjin moved before he had an idea. He moved in closer until he was face to face with Hyunjin’s chest and he stuck out his tongue. The man on top of him dissolved into moans as he sucked, pulling back to blow air over it. Felix dove back in, this time grazing his teeth across a nipple and the harsh intake of air from above him spurred him on, teeth closing around it to properly bite. Hyunjin stilled, a warbled groan filling the space around them as he came all over Felix’s shirt.
Sleep had consumed him the second he got out of the shower but despite the exhaustion settled well into each of his cells, he barely got a blink of sleep. When he decided to just wake up in the godawful hours of the morning, he sat in the lounge room for hours as his mind raced and he didn’t even notice that the sun had made its way completely into the sky. Hyunjin greeted him on his way to the kitchen in the late afternoon, shirtless. Something like possession tickled Felix’s bones but the overwhelming feeling of emptiness outweighed it.
“Morning.” He sighed into Hyunjin’s back.
“Good morning.” Hyunjin turned around in his arms and planted a kiss on his hairline. “Last night was…”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” He stepped back, arms folding in on himself as he tugged at the stitching in his shirt sleeve. “I was just. It was a lot to process. A lot happened and I got mad and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. We should’ve also talked about things.”
“Later,” Hyunjin crossed his arms, smiling. “I mean, I’m not complaining.”
Felix rolled his eyes, leaning up to kiss Hyunjin’s cheeks. “I’m serious. I didn’t know you’d be so into being… Yelled at? I’m sorry. I love you.”
“Don’t worry.” He already felt the night embed itself into his guilty conscience despite Hyunjin's dismissal. “I love you too.”
Days had passed. They made bank off the artworks and jewelry, yet they still hadn’t decided on a way to get rid of the heads.
“We can’t hold on to them any longer, they're getting gross.”
“What do we do with them then?” As much as he claims to have done this shit before, Hyunjin is always asking for Felix’s advice.
Felix held up the man’s head in its bag and turned it around to inspect it, stomach swirling in distaste. He was holding a person's head in his hands. Someone they’d killed. It was surreal. The whole night he was tossing and turning, the dull thwack of the statue hitting the lady played over in his head. He was back to square one almost, all his progress suddenly out the window. Hopefully, he’d manage better.
The couple wasn’t rotting yet, but they were gross enough and Felix didn’t want them in his possession anymore. “We should’ve just thrown them in a lake or something.”
Hyunjin grabbed it out of his hold and shoved it back in the freezer, taking out a bag of frozen veggies from beside it and closing the lid. “We could bash them against a wall? Crush them up, and throw them away.”
Felix scrunched up his face. The bashing was unnecessary, he thought, as if he hadn’t jumped on the woman’s pelvis to break it enough to transport. He could still feel it crack beneath his feet if he focused hard enough.
“Maybe just leave them with me. I’ll deal with them on my way to work tomorrow.”
It’s Hyunjin’s night to cook. He wasn’t a chef by any means, but he tried and that was more than enough for Felix. He could relax in the meantime, or try to at least, kick back on the lounge and throw on the TV for background noise as he scrolled through his phone. He was in the middle of reading his work emails when the words `Breaking News’ caught his attention.
“An elderly couple has been reported as missing last night. Police say that the investigation is underway. Witnesses claim that the man was seen to be leaving a bar with a young man that night.”
Felix’s blood ran cold.
“Hey Hyunjin, we need to go. Like now.”
He hears Hyunjin stop what he’s doing and walk into the living room. “What’s up?”
He freezes. On the screen is a capture from security footage of him leaving with the man from the bar last night. He’s not recognisable, the quality horrendously pixelated, but they both knew it’s him. “Holy shit.”
“Go pack a bag, we’re leaving.”
He had never packed his things quicker. He was on autopilot, his anxiety working in favour of him for once. He needed to take care of Hyunjin and make sure he’s safe. He didn’t know where to go, but luckily, his boyfriend knew people.
“North or south?” Felix sat in the driver's seat of his car and prayed he was okay enough to drive them safely.
“South. If the police identify me, I don’t wanna be anywhere near the northside.” He was a mess. “I’m gonna call my friend.”
Felix let him do what he had to do. He had no time to waste, but he had to get himself under control first. Breathe, in and out. Focus on the air making its way from the bottom of his sole to the tips of his fingers. Breathe.
“Changbin’s setting things up. He’s got… Supplies too if we need them.”
“We’re not going to need whatever the fuck ‘supplies’ means, because we won’t get caught.” The feeling that they’re forgetting something causes his heart to leap into his throat. “The heads.”
Hyunjin looks at him in disbelief and groans. “We don’t have time. I can just get-”
“Someone to deal with it. Holy fuck, Hyunjin!” Felix runs a hand through his hair. “Are you like a crime ring leader or something?”
“I wouldn’t say ring leader, more like I’ve just met the right people at the right time.”
“You’re insane.” But he loves him.
“I keep safe.” And he does.
He speeds along the highway, grateful for the lack of traffic. At least something was working well for them. He’s positive he sets off at least two speed cameras, but the consequences don't even cross his mind.
“Take the next exit.”
Felix finds them in a well-off suburb. He imagines soccer mums would drool over the area, however it seems out of place for the kind of people Hyunjin involves himself with.
“Changbin’s on a job at the moment,” Hyunjin says it as if it’s a viable excuse.
“He’s not a wanted criminal either, is he?”
“I’d hope not. He’s a detective.”
Felix gawks.
“You never mentioned you have connections with the police.” Hyunjin avoids eye contact and points to a house at the end of a cul de sac and he parks the car on the street. A man waits on the small porch. “Don’t tell me he’s a dirty-”
“You can trust him. Believe me.”
“He’s not going to turn you in right?” Panic bubbles inside him and the man, Changbin it must be, starts walking towards the car.
“I’ve got dirt on him. If he rats me out I’m dragging him with me.”
“What the fuck.”
The passenger side door opens and Changbin leans down, one arm resting on the roof of Felix’s car.
“Saw you on the news this morning.” He doesn’t look impressed, which sparks bad feelings within Felix but he quickly breaks out into a smile and holds a hand out for Hyunjin to shake. “You look better in five pixels.”
Hyunjin laughs, dragging himself out of the car and he hugs the other man. More like holds the man’s head in his arms because Felix realises how much smaller Changbin is next to his boyfriend. “You’re looking good, Bin. Long time no see, right?”
“Yeah, it’s been a while hey. It’s not easy when I’m undercover all the time.”
Felix watches them interact. It’s amazing and infuriating how they can act like this isn’t some big deal. Like he isn’t in the car freaking out because Hyunjin is possibly wanted now and they’re acting like they’re at a school reunion. He catches Changbin throwing glances his way occasionally and he realises that he’s yet to exit the car. He takes a deep breath and steadies himself, before opening his door.
“I’ve been wondering when you were going to step out.” Changbin sends him a warm smile.
“This is my boyfriend, Felix.” Hyunjin slides an arm around his middle and pulls him into his side.
Felix extends his hand, focusing all his energy on making sure he’s not shaking like a leaf. “Nice to meet you.”
Changbin’s grip is like iron. “On better terms would've been nicer, but you’d know that Hyunjin can’t keep out of trouble for long.”
Changbin seems nice enough. The typical suburban cop vibes really sell the narrative of undercover detective and Felix wonders if they get put through acting classes because he’s maybe too nice.
“You guys wanna come in? There’s no use in standing out here all afternoon.”
Felix sends Hyunjin one last apprehensive look. Hyunjin’s eyes beg him to trust him, so he sighs and sends a smile Changbin’s way.
The room they’re led to is smaller than Hyunjin’s main bedroom back at his house, but then again any room in a suburban home is going to be smaller than anywhere back home. It’s just what they need right now though. Something under the radar and inconspicuous and normal.
“So, how missing is this couple?” Changbin walks into the room with a duffel bag and cases balancing precariously on top of each other. Felix quickly moves to help him because he looks one second away from toppling over and enough movies have taught him exactly what’s in those cases.
“I don’t know if we really need-” Neither of them seem to hear Felix.
“I got someone to take care of the leftovers,” His phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out, eyes widening. “Oh! It’s been dealt with already.”
Felix is mortified, but relieved. The feeling doesn’t last long because Changbin’s spreading out all sorts of firearms onto the bed they’ll be sleeping on and it takes everything in him to hold down whatever is left in his stomach. There’s no way they’d ever need a gun, surely not, but Hyunjin’s picking one up and he excuses himself.
“Bathroom?”
Changbin turns around and puts down the gun he was holding. “Yeah, this way.”
He gets shown through the hallway, a photograph of Changbin and a woman hanging on the wall captures his attention.
“You have a beautiful wife.” Felix tries to glance at Changbin’s hands to catch a glimpse of a ring.
“Huh? Oh, no.” He runs a hand through his hair and twists the ring around his finger. “No, she’s just a colleague. I’m undercover, remember? Gotta fabricate a fake life and shit.”
The guy is handsome, Felix wonders why no one’s tried to wed him. “No one at home?”
His stomach swirls inside him and he can feel himself close to emptying his guts. Changbin thankfully has him in the bathroom and beside the toilet in no time before Felix is coughing up liquid.
“I was in a relationship but work makes it hard.” Felix tries to reply but another wave of sickness hits him and Changbin’s there with a towel. “You done?”
Felix nods, wiping away the residue. “Thanks…”
“Yeah, no worries.” He lends a hand, helping Felix up off the floor. “How are you, by the way?”
He’s stunned. “What do you mean..?”
“You’ve been through a lot the past two days, just wanted to know if you were dealing okay.”
Dealing okay… Had he ever dealt okay? Felix barely had time to properly think about anything because he’s been so riddled with grief and guilt. It’s not like the grave situation, it’s a million times worse. He doesn’t know if he’ll sleep tonight. Another night of restlessness that he doesn’t think he can manage to go through. He’s just.
“I’m just tired.” Changbin sets him with an unbelieving stare, but just sighs in response and pats him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, I know.” He turns out of the bathroom, asking if Felix wanted anything to drink over his shoulder. He follows the other into his kitchen and sits down at the breakfast counter.
The kettle boils in the background and Changbin rummages around in his pantry. “I don’t have much… Do you like yogurt? I can do you some granola and fruit or something-”
“They didn’t deserve it.”
Felix doesn’t even like granola but he hasn’t eaten in how long so he takes it anyway. He can taste the organic flavour with a hint of cinnamon and it sits on his tongue heavy until Changbin’s finished making his coffee.
“They probably didn’t, but you had to do it.” For a second Felix forgot Changbin had a certificate in shady business.
“I didn’t have to. I just freaked out and I moved on instinct.” He starts crying, fat droplets creating craters in his yogurt. “That’s fucked up.”
“I’m not gonna sugar coat shit. It’s going to be difficult for a while, maybe forever.”
“Jesus Christ!” He wails, tears falling quicker, “That seriously doesn’t help.”
“Hyunjin says you’re strong. I believe him.”
The conversation leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, or maybe it was the horrid mixture of yogurt and coffee. Either way, Felix just knows that he’ll never have a chance at normal ever again. Deep inside though, he knows he’s somehow formed this support system; a handful of people, despite their moral compasses, who’ll be there for him no matter what happens.
The next few days are spent holed up in Changbin’s house. He’s surprisingly a really nice guy, which Felix should’ve caught on to when he was genuine in asking if he was okay. Like, for fucks sake he let two criminals into his home. That shouldn’t have been such a big thing, considering the unspoken history he has, but that’s a kind thing to do. And to be insanely hospitable too? Felix guessed he must’ve been special in his past life to get stuck with a kind-hearted bad guy.
It was clear that he and Hyunjin went way back. Felix was filled in on all kinds of stories they have together. It was like meeting the parents, only far more crime-filled and maybe even more enjoyable. Felix knew why Hyunjin kept him around. More than the inside perks of being a detective, more than any firearm he could provide, Changbin had a way of lessening the stress momentarily. Felix felt it. Changbin lifted their spirits.
“I like him.” Felix had Hyunjin wrapped up in his arms one night after a couple of beers and an intense game of UNO. Changbin had retired to bed before Felix could drag him into a rematch, claiming he had to be up early for work.
“Wanna keep him?” He could feel Hyunjin’s smile against his bicep. He leans down to press a crown of kisses along Hyunjin’s hairline.
“He’s good fun.”
“He’s useful.” Felix lightly hit him on the arm.
“He cares about you. Like, actually cares.” His hand came to play with the long strands that tickled his wrists and he curled them around in his fingers. “I like watching you two interact. It feels… Homey.”
“Homie?” Hyunjin threw up two peace signs and let out a boisterous laugh that Felix had to quiet with a kiss.
“Shh, Changbin’s next door.” He squeezed Hyunjin tighter. ”I meant like, safe.”
“I know.” Hyunjin lets out a deep breath and snuggles in closer if that’s even possible. Felix thinks he’s fallen asleep, but he stirs in his hold and murmurs something into his shirt.
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry. For dragging you into this all. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve just asked you out normally and kept you away from all this shit.”
It’s almost alarming the way in which Felix wants to fight back.
“No, seriously it’s fine.”
“It’s not, though. You deserve better, you shouldn’t have had to hurt anybody. Especially not for me.”
“Hey.” He drags Hyunjin up to eye level, hands framing his face and he looks at how Hyunjin’s cheeks squish under his palms. “I love you, I’d do anything for you. I don’t care that you dragged me into this, if anything it’s better than keeping me in the dark.”
“Why are you so…”
“I would’ve hated if our relationship was built on lies. I don’t care what happens because we’re together, okay? As long as we have each other it’ll be fine.”
“How are you okay with this?”
“I’m… Truthfully I’m not. But I’m trying to work around it. For us.” Hyunjin rolls over out of his reach and spreads out on the bed.
“You could break up with me and I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I’d never.”
“You should.”
He still woke up in the middle of the night with Hyunjin curled into his back, his warmth overbearing but Felix only curled in further because his heart told him to.
He’s startled awake hours later, Hyunjin on top of him with his hand clamped tightly over his mouth. It takes him back to their first escapade and he furrows his eyebrows in confusion. Hyunjin’s free hand comes up to motion for him to be quiet before mouthing ‘cops.’ Felix is sure Hyunjin can feel his heartbeat pick up underneath him and then he registers the voices spilling through the crack at the bottom of the door. He can only just hear maybe two unknown voices accompanied by Changbin’s and his mind is running a million miles an hour, mapping out any way they could possibly get out of the house. He looks at the window. The screen could easily be popped out but Hyunjins there manhandling him to stare back up at him and he’s shaking his head.
He doesn’t know how long he lays there, restricted from moving. The voices seem to fade out and then the delayed slam of Changbin’s front door sounds. Hyunjin still doesn’t let up even when Felix makes an attempt to push him off. He only gets released when there’s a knock on the door and Changbin peaks his head in.
“Officials have caught word of you guys being in the south,” Hyunjin curses under his breath. “I think you guys should head out, maybe go inland. There’s been talk about searching the coastlines.”
“But you’re cleared though, right?” Hyunjin moves off the bed and starts throwing their things back into their bags. Felix sits up to stretch the stiffness from his limbs.
“Yeah I’m all good, you two, however…”
Two?
“There are descriptions of two males in their 20s that fit you guys… The neighbours of the couple filed a report to the police. Good thing you guys brought Felix’s car because they’re out looking for yours, Jin.”
“They’re just gonna be led back to mine, so hopefully that’ll buy us some time to get out of here.” Hyunjin chucks Felix’s bag at him, tucking the pistol Changbin gave him into the back of his jeans. “Thanks for having us, Bin.”
“Yeah, of course. Like I said,” He motions for Felix to turn around so he can wrap a gun neatly between layers of clothes in his backpack, “Would’ve been nice to meet on less stressful terms. I’ll see what I can do to buy you guys more time.”
With a warm pat on his back, Changbin walks them out of his house.
“See you whenever Hyunjin. Stay safe, Felix.”
He already misses Changbin.
He had to ask Hyunjin to drive. Just the thought of being in the driver's seat sets off every alarm signal in his body. He just feels so sick to his stomach, physically and mentally tired of having panic attacks. It’s not even a cycle anymore. There’s nothing to cycle through, no ups, only downs. He’s been living his life stuck in anxiety and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to make it out.
Hyunjin doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get why Felix can’t focus on anything right now except not throwing up despite his empty stomach telling him that he needs to empty it further. He’s sure he’s beginning to hyperventilate, breath coming out in short puffs and for some reason the air is so thin that he can’t get it down into his lungs. It makes him panic further, but all he does is just lay there as his vision starts to warp.
“Hey,” He can only just hear Hyunjin’s panicked voice through the sound of his own heartbeat and quick breathing. “You’re okay Lix. Just- What’s those things you do? Breathe from your feet?”
He can’t breathe from his feet. Not now, not ever. The world goes fuzzy, those annoying little pixels making their way into his vision until everything is glitchy and pixelated and black.
The world around him shakes, strong enough that he wakes up. It’s Hyunjin, a hand wrung tight in his shirt and he’s being shaken around like a rag doll in the passenger seat. Hyunjin looks like he probably does; worried, tired, on the verge of a meltdown.
“Don’t fucking do that to me again.” The words sound wet and the car swerves violently from Hyunjin not paying attention. “Promise me.”
Felix is in a sensory overload. He squints because the sky is too bright and he winces from Hyunjin’s yelling. He guesses he passed out, luckily without pissing or throwing up all over himself. He swats at Hyunjin’s hand as he frowns.
“Not like I have much control over it.” He pulls his shirt over his head to cover his eyes, curling away from the window.
“You scared me.” Felix only grunts in response.
They drive in silence for hours. Felix doesn’t once lift his head, even when Hyunjin announces they’ve made it past the border and in the next state. He’s tired of changing positions to avoid the light that sneaks its way past his shirt every time they turn. The stress of their situation has brought on a killer headache, one so intense that Felix thinks he could drive a pickaxe through his temple and feel only relief. He considers getting some painkillers, even though they won’t do much for him, but he knows, in the long run, it’ll relieve some of the pain. Besides, his back hurts from being hunched over and his legs have been asleep for so long he can’t even feel them.
“Water.”
Hyunjin is there a millisecond later, thrusting a water bottle into Felix’s hands and throwing him a packet of tablets. “How are you?”
“Peachy.” Hyunjin doesn’t deserve the snarky replies because he’s being good, but everything in Felix is screaming out in pain and Hyunjin’s voice is amplified by a million in his head.
The sun is setting now, much to Felix’s relief. He adjusts his shirt so it sits normally on his frame again, and flicks down the visor. A selfie of him and Hyunjin falls out from its place. He forgot he had stuck it in there months ago, back when they had started dating and when things weren't upside down. He holds it, takes in the way Hyunjin looks so happy, how he himself looks happy, and everything comes weighing down on him.
He hates crying. He couldn’t even count all the times he’s cried in the last few days on both his hands. It’s embarrassing and weak. Even at his most dehydrated he still manages to cry, to the point where all he can do is just heave and wail, completely out of tears but not finished crying. He cries harder when he feels Hyunjin’s hand card through his hair. The gesture is enough to have him unbuckling his seatbelt and leaning clumsily across the middle console to cry against his boyfriend’s chest. The handbrake digs into his stomach but he doesn’t care.
“I love you. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. I love you.” He sobs repeatedly, tears soaking Hyunjin’s shirt as exhaustion takes him over.
They make it to a small diner in the outskirts of a quiet, country town. There’s a decent amount of cars in the parking lot, probably all people traveling. Felix opts to stay out by the car, trusting Hyunjin to order him something good while he stretches his legs and takes in the fresh air. After he finishes making sure his body feels less like he’s been scrunched up into a ball, he busies himself by scrolling aimlessly through his phone until it goes flat. He leans into the car to plug his phone in, ready to charge when Hyunjin comes back when he’s shooting up immediately, barely missing hitting his head.
A gunshot is heard from inside the diner and Felix checks inside the car. Hyunjin’s gun is on the driver's seat and a second later joins Hyunjin, arms full of burgers and fries, his milkshake all over his clothes. Felix doesn’t know what to do when the food is shoved into his lap. He scans Hyunjin, looking for any signs of injury but finds none. The tires screech, dust flying behind them and they’re gone. Hyunjin’s smiling.
“What just happened?” He has a feeling he knows. The adrenaline has Hyunjin laughing, Felix closely following along.
“I made a run for it. I forgot my wallet, I didn’t know the old waitress would pull a shotgun on me.” The wind whips his long hair around and Felix finds himself captured by Hyunjin’s beauty again. Like always. It reminds him of something.
“You look like the first time.” He says it to himself, mostly. He reaches out, pushing some of Hyunjin’s hair behind his ear but it slips out anyway. His boyfriend makes a sound of confusion and all Felix can think is, “Cute.”
He digs into the burger, sauce dripping down his chin but he doesn’t care. He mops it up with a chip before feeding it to Hyunjin, completely turned in his seat so he can continue shoveling food into his boyfriend’s mouth happily. Hyunjin turns on the radio, music sounding tinny through the car’s speakers the louder he turns the dial. They drive along the abandoned highway, singing loudly to the music and Felix is given the chance to breathe.
Hyunjin yells something over the music.
“What?” He holds his hand to his ear.
“I said I like this!” His eyes are crescents from how big he’s smiling through his words.
Felix kisses him despite the car moving. Hyunjin risks a second to close his eyes and enjoy it, before pulling away. There’s not a care in the world in Felix’s mind at the moment. Just Hyunjin and him driving through the night, but everything is interrupted by Hyunjin’s phone ringing, flashlight flicking on and off to alert them. Felix turns down the radio and picks up the phone, reading the caller ID.
“Expecting a call from Changbin?”
“Answer it.” His finger slides across the screen.
“Hey, it’s Felix.” He wonders what Changbin is calling about. Maybe they left something at his house.
“Surrounding towns have been alerted about you guys. There might be squads or something out patrolling the highways so be careful.”
Felix rubs the bridge of his nose. “Is that all you can tell us?”
“For the moment. I’m doing what I can.”
“We’re out of the state though.” Felix can hear the sound of a keyboard and mouse clicking. Hyunjin looks at him with a look, questioning. He just shrugs in reply.
“Oh. That was fast.” More clicking and what sounds like furious typing. “I don’t have access to things out of my jurisdiction, but it’s not often that things have to go interstate. No alerts have been sent out other than the descriptions.”
“So what? We’re safe?”
“I’d still stay under the radar.”
The road in front of him goes dark and he realises that Hyunjin has cut the headlights. The car even slows down and he doesn’t know why. “Wha-”
The phone is pulled out of his grasp and in the distance he can kind of see it now. There’s faint blue and red flashing and he wonders how Hyunjin even noticed through the light of their own car. They’re coming up to an intersection, but there’s police everywhere. He can’t figure out for his life what they’re all there for, an accident maybe, because the whole works are there. Ambulance, fire trucks, there’s no way they’re sneaking through this with all the flashing lights.
“We’ve kinda got an issue, Bin.” Felix just watches as Hyunjin turns the headlights back on and they pull up to the temporary stoplights. An officer walks up to the car and Felix tries to not shift nervously in his seat. “Yeah, I gotta go.”
“Good evening, Officer.”
Hyunjin is the definition of relaxed while Felix is peaking in his seat. He suddenly remembers Hyunjin is more seasoned. A flashlight gets shone inside their car and Felix can’t help but wince, hand coming up to block the light from his eyes. It gets shone into the backseat of their car and he sees the duffel bags back there.
“Going somewhere?” Hyunjin smiles sweetly and a drop of sweat rolls down Felix’s temple.
“We’re on a road trip, just trying to find the nearest motel. Got some time off work and thought why not?” He looked over at the mess of vehicles and lights. “Busy night?”
The man grunts and points his stupidly annoying flashlight over at the scene. “Yeah, you could say so.”
He begins to ramble, something about a head-on collision and Felix is positive he’s not meant to be diverging any information. They need to get out of here before the man clocks on to them but he’s being blinded by a flashlight again and there’s the split second when Felix can hear the gears turning in his head.
“Just where are you guys from?”
Felix watches as Hyunjin’s hand creeps slowly towards the handbrake, still smiling as he makes up some excuse. Felix holds onto the sides of his seat, the anticipation of what happens next making the hair on his arms stand. Hyunjin’s talking to the man one second and then he’s suddenly speeding off of the road, wheels spinning in the dirt as he drives around the accident.
Felix sees it as they pass and everything slows down.
There’s debris all over the road, bumpers and hubcaps and metal everywhere. The cars are squished together like two balls of playdough and there’s a rainbow reflected from where the water from the fire hose hits the lights. He sees a body get dragged out from one of the cars, mangled and blistering but he can’t look away because he sees himself again. He doesn’t feel like he’s in his body for some reason, the only thing in focus is the terrible image he thought he had escaped years ago. Memories of his past spring up behind his eyes, joined by bodies in graves and comically animated heads screaming at him. He cranes his head as far back as it can go until he can’t see anything but the flashing blue and red of a police car following them.
Hyunjin drives spectacularly. Felix thinks back to the first time they’d spoken and remembers how he had said he loves driving. If only he’d known what he meant. It’s fascinating watching Hyunjin concentrate so hard, his jaw set and eyes alert as the world zooms past him. The police car doesn’t let up, but Hyunjin is experienced and Felix doesn’t need to know how many times his boyfriend had done this to know that they’d get away eventually.
They come up to an on ramp eventually, and in front of them spans a motorway lit up. Hyunjin speeds onto it, checking the rearview mirror only to see another police car accompanying the first one. They’re on their tail, managing to come almost parallel to them. There’s words being spoken through the radio but Felix was never good at deciphering megaphones. The cars on the road part like the red sea and everything seems like it’ll be fine until they notice traffic becoming denser a few meters ahead.
Hyunjin weaves through the cars with expertise but it doesn’t stop Felix from freaking out, eyes threatening to spill over. They’re going fast. Faster than what’s legal, faster than he’s ever been. It’s a miracle that Hyunjin hasn’t hit anyone and it’s a miracle that the police are still on their asses, albeit a little further away now. It’s exactly like something out of a movie, and laughter bubbles up inside of him, loud and nervous. He’s in utter disbelief that this is happening.
They must’ve been blessed by some higher power, and for a second the image of Changbin pops up in Felix’s mind and he laughs harder. They fly off an exit and just miss clipping another car as they speed through a red light. The sirens and lights have been lost for now, but he knows it won’t be for too long. They’ve surely got the plates on record, it’s just a matter of getting as far away as they can now.
“Shit. We have to ditch.” The last of Felix’s laughter simmers out and he can see the orange blinking symbol of the fuel light.
They’re in a well built up town, Hyunjin had taken enough backroads to get them into a more developed place. They pull over into a parking lot on the side of the road and Felix can see a small complex of stores across the road.
“I’ll be right back.” He pockets his phone and wallet, shouldering a backpack and he looks both ways before sprinting across the bitumen. He walks through the car park, noticing only a few cars and sends Hyunjin a text. Noticing the time, he makes note that he doesn’t have long until the grocery store closes so he makes a run for it. As he’s walking through the aisles, he notices Hyunjin walking in. Felix pretends he doesn’t notice Hyunjin bump into a woman, instead filling his backpack with some food and two boxes of dye, politely nodding to the cashier as he pays for his things and leaves.
He exits the complex first, Hyunjin close behind him. There’s a beep in the distance and a car’s lights flash. Felix breaks out into a skip, arms full of his backpack and he jumps into the driver's side. It’s one of those fancy cars with the button ignition, so he presses it and checks the tank level. They probably need to fill up eventually, but for now, it’s enough to get them out of town and to a gas station. Hyunjin jumps in shotgun, throwing the keyring into Felix’s lap and his bags into the back seat.
“People should hold onto their keys better.” One of Felix’s hands gets stolen off the wheel to have kisses pressed onto his knuckles.
“I bought us dye.” His eyes twinkle as he casts a glance at Hyunjin and the other looks just as excited. “How do you feel about pink?”
“That’s not enough to conceal our identities.” He playfully bites at Felix’s fingers, “You got some needles in there too?”
“They had a limited selection to choose from. If it makes you feel better, I’m stuck with red.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline and he tries to conceal his smile. “We’re meant to be blending in.”
“We have to work with what we’ve got.”
The town blends out into darkness as they stop at the last gas station before heading out on yet another highway. Before he exits to fuel up, Felix throws on a jumper, pulling up the hood as he exits. He considers just running, and when he sees the small TV in the store flash his photo he immediately jumps back in the car.
“You gotta go in, my face is on the screens.” Hyunjin doesn’t argue, and he’s back in a couple of seconds anyway. “Where to now?”
Felix, fuelled up on energy drinks and snacks drives until his ass goes numb. They’re closing in on another town now, and the sky is starting to brighten. He pulls into a stopping bay, just by a bridge.
“Want me to do your hair?” Hyunjin stirs from where he was curled up, staring out of the window and perks up.
“Only if I get to do yours.”
So they make their way into the stingy restroom with the boxes of dye. They slather the colour onto each other’s heads, giggling when it gets everywhere. Hyunjin presses Felix against the wall, which he complains about, but cuts off his whining with a kiss. He lets himself forget where exactly he is and melts into Hyunjin. Their lips move together slowly and time fades away from Felix.
He should’ve been anywhere but here. He should’ve had a stable job and a nice house and a car that was his, but that means he wouldn’t have Hyunjin and he knows for certain which is worth more to him. They have all the time in the world when they’re pressed together and Felix wants to find a place where they can stay like this forever.