Work Text:
Dear [INSERT NAME HERE],
I, Jesse of Beacontown, am humbled and impressed by your ongoing and determined efforts to
☐ destroy me ☐ steal my identity
☐ destroy Beacontown ☐ take over Beacontown
☐ destroy the world ☐ take over the world
☐ other:
In all the [#] years I have spent adventuring, I have never before known such
☐ menacing monologues ☐ sinister schemes
☐ terrifying traps ☐ ingenious inventions
☐ dastardly determination ☐ bloodcurdling builds
☐ fearsome fashion ☐ backbreaking battles
☐ other:
[INSERT NAME HERE], you are truly a foe like no other—and this is why I can't keep being yours.
Please know that it’s not you; it’s me. I hate to let you down, but you are simply too
☐ powerful ☐ cunning
☐ dangerous ☐ fast
☐ noncorporeal ☐ pungent
☐ other:
So instead of leading you on to think that I'm the
☐ arch-nemesis ☐ arch-nemesis (prophesied)
☐ plucky heroic rival ☐ spouse or co-evil overlord
☐ ritual sacrifice ☐ host body
☐ other:
that you truly deserve, I'm letting you go. That special someone is out there waiting for you, [INSERT NAME HERE]! It just isn't me.
Finally, this letter acts as an open offer for parlay at a location and time of your choice to discuss
☐ the cessation of hostilities ☐ the cessation of flirting
☐ the return of stolen objects, people, places, body parts, etc
☐ other outlets for your talents
☐ potential avenues of therapy
☐ other:
Attached you will find co-ordinates at which to leave a written or recorded reply. Please do not try to reply to this in-person.
Wishing you the best of luck (though of course not with your evil plans, haha),
Jesse of Beacontown
Hero in Residence
Leader of the New Order of the Stone
X-10642 Y80451