Chapter Text
Kanan leaned against a rock with his arms crossed and watched Ezra. The kid was learning how to handle his own weapon better; they’d made do with Kanan’s, but it was good the boy finally had his own blade. Ezra stood in the middle of the grassy field, practicing the lightsaber forms. Only he stood in front of the sunset, a silhouette in front of a sky of liquid gold and red, striking each pose and holding it a moment longer than strictly necessary before switching to the next with a bit of flair. Kanan gave a small smile and shook his head. Wasn’t that long ago that’d he be doing the same thing. “That’s good,” he called. “You’ve got the hang of it.”
Ezra deactivated the blade and turned to Kanan with a grin. “Really?”
“Yep. Not sure who you plan to impress with those flourishes, though.”
Ezra chuckled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, heh.” He tossed the handle gently from one hand to the other. “I just never thought any of this could happen.”
“Getting your own lightsaber?”
“That—and learning to fight. Actually being able to do something to help against the Empire.” He shook his hair out of his face and sank onto the base of the rock. Kanan sat down beside him.
“You know the weapon of the Jedi—"
“Is for defense, not attack--yeah, I know.” Ezra rolled his eyes. “You’ve only reminded me a thousand times.”
“It’s cause you tend to jump the gun, kid.” After a pause, Kanan turned to the boy. “Wanna know a secret?”
Ezra’s eyes lit up. “Yeah?”
“Hera might be impressed with that flair you use.”
“Oh. Really?”
Kanan gave a single deep nod.
“And…” A mischievous look came into the kid’s eye. “You know this how?”
Kanan faced him with a wry grin and a lift of his eyebrow. Ezra burst out laughing, almost sliding off the rock. Kanan couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Yeah, she won’t admit it, but she likes that stuff. From her guys, at least.”
Ezra smirked. “Good to know.” He tossed his lightsaber handle from one hand to the other again and stared into the distant sunset, a thoughtful look coming into his eyes. “Hey, Kanan?”
“Hmm?”
“What made you want to be a Jedi?”
Kanan hesitated, staring at the kid. His mind went completely blank for a moment. Then he reluctantly revisited his memories and gave a short sigh. “Well…I grew up in the temple. Never knew anything different.”
“So you didn’t really have a choice?”
“Oh, I had the choice. I could have left the temple once I got old enough, walked away from it all. I just never wanted to until...”
It really was all he’d ever known, and when you grew up knowing you were going to be a guardian of justice and help people…well, there weren’t many who would choose to walk away. He scooted a little closer to Ezra and gave another short sigh.
“The truth is, I never questioned my own purpose until it ended. I questioned everything else, but not my life’s path. I knew I would become a Padawan and then a Knight and then maybe a master. But after the Jedi were wiped out, and everything I knew was gone…I guess that’s when I really had the choice.”
“So what did you choose?”
Kanan instinctively grimaced. Even now, he could imagine his master’s disapproval of who he’d been. He’d often imagined it during his youth as a drifter, the sight of her looking down on him in disappointment. Disappointment he deserved.
“Yeah, me too,” Ezra muttered.
Kanan look at him in surprise and saw a shadow had fallen over the kid’s face. Ezra noticed the glance and shrugged. “My parents…they risked their lives for others, but I…” He gave a grimace of his own. “You know.” His voice fell again, and his shoulders slumped. “Once I was on my own.”
Kanan put a hand on the boy’s shoulder and slipped an arm around him as Ezra sighed heavily.
“We’ve all done things we regret, kid,” Kanan said quietly. “But after I met Hera, I started to realize there was more I could do. More I could be. I started to want to help again, to defend those who needed it. To start caring about more than myself.”
“No way, you’ve always cared,” Ezra said earnestly. He flushed and dropped his gaze as Kanan turned to him, mumbling some attempt at defusing the remark. Kanan gave a shamefaced smile, flattered, humbled, and guilty; he hardly deserved the kid’s admiration, and yet the genuineness of it touched him.
“Well, it took me a while to get there,” he said. “Took both of us a while,” he added.
Ezra chuckled. His gaze slowly grew serious. “If all you do is fight for your own life, it’s worth nothing, right?”
Kanan nodded and clapped the boy’s shoulder. “You’ve learned well, Padawan.”
Ezra grinned. Then he gently elbowed Kanan’s side. “Okay, Master, but you still have to answer the question. What made you want to be a Jedi?”
Kanan laughed and shook his head. It was like hearing himself when he was younger, and he remembered vividly his master and her gentle smile and patient amusement with his own questions. Then he paused and grew serious. He’d never articulated the truth before, but he didn’t have to think about what to say. “I wanted to become a Jedi once I realized who needed me to be one.”
He smiled at Ezra, and a light came into the boy’s eyes, at once hopeful and incredulous. Kanan chuckled. “Can’t say I’m the best one for the job,” he added, and Ezra gently elbowed him again.
“Shut up.”
“And I admit there was a lot of kicking and screaming involved, metaphorically speaking,” Kanan continued dryly, and Ezra snickered. “But I’m not giving up that purpose again. Not as long as someone needs me.” He clapped his hand on Ezra’s shoulder, and the kid gave a small smile.
“Really?”
Kanan nodded, wishing he could better ease the kid’s fears. Even after all this time, after all these months with the crew, Ezra couldn’t shake his terror of abandonment; it wasn’t hard to guess what his fears in the temple illusions had been. “Really,” Kanan said firmly. “Can you trust me?”
“Yeah, of course.” The earnestness and hope returned to the boy’s eyes, and Kanan felt again that he hardly deserved that trust—and he would give his last breath to uphold it.
“Good.” He pulled Ezra a bit closer and patted his shoulder. He chuckled. “I guess our paths have been pretty similar.”
“Yeah, they have.” Ezra suddenly turned to Kanan with a wide grin. “Now you have to tell me the first time you showed off in front of Hera.”
“I’ll have you know I never showed off in front of Hera. Just started practicing with my weapon, and she happened to be nearby.”
The kid snorted loudly.
“And your next Padawan lesson is going to be about respect for your elders.” Kanan turned a mock-severe look on the kid, and Ezra’s grin widened, if that was even possible.
“Yeah, real elder.”
“Hey, take that back!”
Ezra laughed and slid out from under his arm and darted across the grassy field. “Catch me first!”
“You--!” Kanan jumped to his feet and took off after the kid, but he couldn’t help laughing as well.