Work Text:
There was always a time when he felt this cold. A time when the morning breezes, wind in the night howls, or when he eats strawberry ice cream alone. Cold days that he spent every year under the thick fabric of his blanket.
And now this.
He should be used to it, he thought, with the embrace of the shivery temperature inside his room, darkness blinding his tired eyes. He doesn’t even realize how he curled up when he was lying straight as dead and motionless just some minutes ago. Or is it hours? Honestly, he couldn’t remember.
He hugs the pillow, feeling his body tenses. A sob breaks out.
He should be used to it, he reminded himself.
He should… but he can’t.
It is not that easy.
His eyes are closed but there’s an evident trail of tears continually flowing through the bridge of his nose. He shudders. Heart clenching in pain.
Eijun has this episode of breaking down occasionally. It happened rarely but once it did, his whole-body crumbles. This is his weakness showing, and he’s not used at this being weak game.
At least not when he is known for his strong determination and mentality.
He is a human too. Vulnerable. Has a heart that can be broken once in a while. He could be strong but not invincible.
He could cry a river too.
He flinches when he heard his phone beeped twice for a message received. He is tired, his body doesn’t want to move yet slowly, he crawls up until the coldness of the wall beside the bed is felt behind him. The blanket only hid his legs.
He looks up to calm himself. Using his right hand to wipe his moist cheek and let it rest above the pillow, left reaching for the phone. He closes his eyes tightly and opens it while evening his breath, repeated this a few times and at last, he let out a shaky sigh releasing the tension in his chest.
He opens the message. Harucchi, it says.
Harucchi:
Eijun-kunHarucchi:
Miyuki-senpai is asking for your whereabouts. Where are you? I thought you’ll be back today?
Eijun swipe the screen down to know the time.
7:43 AM
He lost track of time. Again.
It’s already that early but later than his usual start of the day. He was usually up earlier than the sun itself. He skips the afternoon practice yesterday and now; he did skip the morning practice too.
Before he could reply, his phone beeped again. This time, Kuramochi texted him.
Kuramochi-senpai:
Oi, Bakamura, even if the tournament just ended, you don’t have the time to slack off! Do you have the skills for that? We also have a meeting later afternoon so come back here or else you’ll experience the newly learned moves I picked up from video games.Kuramochi-senpai:
Ah, no. I’ll still do it, regardless. I added some moves in my repertoire, wanna try?
He stilled. For a long time before now, this kind of treatment didn’t bother him. It is the usual banter thrown by the shortstop. In some other time, he might laugh and answer Kuramochi with much enthusiasm. Because they are like brothers and he is close with Kuramochi more than anyone. Different from his bond to Haruichi. But why can’t he stop the bitterness that is creeping deep inside him?
It’s like a punch in the gut and he was offended. Which is rare because he let all insults that he received off the hook without much thought. Lies.
They didn’t know for sure the thing that happened the day before yesterday but words with carelessness aren’t what he wanted to receive.
Not now.
Not ever.
You can’t blame them... they don’t know what happened, Eijun.
He can’t help but wonder—how do people narrate his personality? Shitty, naïve, loud? All talks no bite? Maybe, a person that can be easily discarded if shows no promising result. No second thought, like a pawn to sacrifice if the higher-valued pieces are at stake?
That should be it.
How many times did the team shower him with jeers for his single mistake or when he did well at games?
How many times did they throw him aside every day yet use him at crucial moments to cheer for the team that jeers at him in return?
To say ‘don’t mind!’ when the fielders play an error yet got scrutinize if it was his mistake?
Kuramochi-senpai:
You still weren’t here? I thought you’ll be back before morning practice.
Now, he is reminded that he skipped the afternoon and morning practice to stop his wandering mind from losing its sanity. He went to his uncle’s house—a house that became his recovery place whenever he’s in mental turmoil. Like when his puppy died, when he loses in the summer of his third year in middle school. Like that day after the summer finals versus Inashiro. Or after the practice game against Yakushi.
Or the final game of the fall tournament, still against Yakushi.
The memory of that unfortunate summer day breaks his heart. When he got the yips from the Inashiro game, he seemingly lost everything too. The game against Yakushi only solidified it. His pitching style, his mental strength…
His team.
Abandoned is the right term not lost. Combined with the guilt of being responsible for the third years early retirement, he was isolated, he was set aside. No one assured him that it’s not his fault. No one tried enough. The coldness of their gazes and treatment had indirectly assured him otherwise.
It was his fault.
And it is.
If the majority of the team members said so, majority wins.
He proved it true when non-string members started whispering about his uselessness and his roster number being a waste of space. He should just give up, they said.
If only he could shout that he also wants to quit the team, he would. But what choice does he had? He can’t bear to lose his scholarship and the promise he made when he sacrificed everything in order to be in this place.
People lied to him the very first day he went here.
He trusted them for all the false reason.
Eijun want to scream but held himself. He bit his lips. He makes sure to calm down and refrain from overthinking.
Then tried a smile. Practicing a smile for when he returns. Eijun’s lips are trembling so is his left hand typing a reply for Haruichi and Kuramochi.
I’m alright. I can’t lose the only reason they let me play in games. My determination is the only weapon I have when I went to Seido. I won’t falter… I won’t.
Sawamura:
I went out for a day and the coach knew! This Sawamura Eijun is staying over at my uncle’s house and will be back before the day end! Harucchi, tell that damn Tanuki to mind his own business!
Sawamura:
Kuramochi-senpai! Stop with your violent acts! What if I injured myself because of it? Seido won’t function without me!Sawamura:
I won’t be back until later today! And don’t worry, I’ll practice twice until I’m not slacking off anymore in your eyes!
If he’s crying no one will know.
If only time could turn around, if he could just take a step back, he would surely do everything to stop himself from begging for everyone’s acknowledgment. For experiencing the things he did.
Because even if he likes all of his good experiences at Seido, his frequent visit to his uncle’s house is proof that being there is a bad choice.