Chapter Text
“You said I killed you-haunt me, then! [...] Be with me always-take any form-drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!”
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Catra wakes up in her entirely too bright apartment before her alarm even goes off. She’s lived here almost three years now and she still isn’t used to the California sun that is so determined it shines even through her charcoal grey curtains. Her eyes still feel heavy but she knows if she lays here she won’t get up for hours so with a groan she hauls herself up out of her still-warm bed to make her way to the bathroom and start her morning routine.
She didn’t have anything resembling a morning routine when she first got here, too fucked up to even think about regularly eating let alone morning routines but as the days dragged on taking them with her, and months blurred into whole years, she had settled into the closest thing she would probably ever get to a real life.
On the outside, it looked like she had made real progress. She did everything you are supposed to do. Her grades never wavered, not even when she was in the worst of it. She had every Deans' List letter to prove it. She was finally eating whole meals instead of surviving solely on granola bars and iced coffee. She even did shit like this now, washing her face, toning, and moisturizing with shit Glimmer made her buy at Sephora.
She was the picture of progress unless you looked too close.
The first year she was naive. She had no concept of what she really had done— how impossible it would be to live with the choice she made. She coped the only way she knew how to at the time; by pretending it had never happened and destroying everything she touched.
She went to any party she could find on the weekends. Red solo cup blurring into red solo cup full of dark liquor until she was dead to the world and swaying to the beat of the music. During the week she went to school and she worked. Anything to keep busy.
She blocked her on every social media, deleted her number, and did her very best to never think a single thought about her.
She avoided days she knew would be harder like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, making sure she had somewhere to go or had taken an extra shift.
She had been determined to avoid, avoid, avoid and deny, deny, deny. That’s how she was going to survive this.
How fucking stupid she had been.
Now she knew that wasn’t how you played the long game.
That was for amateurs, petty misunderstandings, and rom-com breakups who eventually make up, that was not how you prepared to live without a piece of your soul.
That was not how you functioned in a world that would never be whole again.
It wasn’t sustainable.
Everything that gets buried half alive never really dies. It waits until you’ve let your guard down to rise from its grave.
It comes back to haunt you.
She learned that the hard way when what finally pushed her over the edge had been fucking protein powder.
Perfuma had just started dating Scorpia which had been hard enough at first. The moony-eyed way they looked at each other was disgusting but it was the way they interacted with each other that sent physical pain through Catra’s chest. They moved around each other in their own orbit, always touching at least a little bit, finishing each other's sentences, anticipating the other's movements, and silently meeting the need the other had.
It was familiar and so fucking painful to watch even though she couldn’t help but be happy for them even if it was only silently. No one had fucked up her life except for her. She liked having Scorpia around even if she would never have admitted it out loud then. She was easy to be around and she was unwaveringly kind. She made you smile even if you didn’t want to and she was always gentle with Catra, even when she didn’t deserve it.
That was familiar too.
It was one of the first times that she had spent the night when Catra, who had been so drunk the night before she didn’t even remember getting into her own bed, stumbled into the kitchen for coffee and came face to face with Scorpia’s open gym bag on the counter. It was nothing out of the ordinary. It had normal gym stuff in it but that wasn’t what caught Catra’s eye. What she couldn’t stop staring at was the container of protein powder next to the blender, big, blue, and shining.
It was the same brand she had used.
It shouldn’t have been enough to make her spiral the way it did, but it was. She was assaulted with images of her easy smile in the mornings, the sound of the blender that always woke her up, the soft look in her eyes when she said goodbye to go on her morning run. It was enough to break down months of resolve. Her hands had been so shaky she ended up spilling most of her coffee on the floor. She choked on the noises in her throat and crumpled right there on the kitchen floor making herself as small as she could, sobbing into her flannel pajamas.
That was how Glimmer and Perfuma had found her. She still didn’t know why they had bothered to help her. She had been indifferent to them at best. Standoffish, rude, and sometimes downright a bitch at worst. She never offered any information about herself. She barely ever said a word to either of them. She had just been their disaster of a roommate. That didn’t matter to them though, they were good like that, and they had sat there with her until she calmed down.
Perfuma had brought her a glass of water. Neither of them pushed her to say anything. Glimmer had just rubbed soothing circles on her knee, and Perfuma had sat next to her, only leaving to get the water. When she finally had calmed down enough to say something, she didn’t know where to start.
She couldn’t tell them all of it. She couldn’t even say her name.
She said as much as she could which turned out to just be:
“I fucked up—I—I left someone, but I didn’t want to. I loved her and I left her anyway.” Catra had sobbed as they had sat with her.
They both looked at her with understanding, Perfuma’s own eyes even watering a little. Glimmer only nodded, probably putting the pieces of her shitty behavior together.
“It’s okay, Catra. You don’t have to tell us right now. We’re here. We want to help.” Perfuma had said softly. Glimmer nodded along with her.
They had kept true to their word. Things didn’t change overnight, but they did change. She opened up more even though she never did tell them any more about her or what happened. She shared little things at first. Her classes, that she had grown up in foster care, and some things about back home. They accepted it and her with open arms.
She came to terms with the reality of what she had done, and how permanent it was.
She learned to pace herself.
Morning routine complete she makes her way out to the kitchen to see Glimmer bent over the counter writing, and Perfuma watering one of their dozens of plants. Their apartment was filled to brim with plants that only stayed alive thanks to Perfuma’s tender care. Catra was hopeless with them, managing to kill one in a single weekend when Perfuma had gone to stay with Scorpia. Glimmer meant well but usually forgot to water them when they tried to take turns with them. Now that they were solely in Perfuma’s capable hands, they thrived and lifted the mood of every room.
Their space felt like a home thanks to them both, and she often forgot that they were in college. They were supposed to be living in shitty dorms with mystery stains on the floor and paper-thin walls, but the Moon’s were generous, and there was no way they were letting their only daughter live like that longer than she insisted on. If left up to Catra she would have had her bed, a single armchair, and a TV. She didn’t think too much about how things looked, she never could growing up the way she had, but she couldn’t deny that it helped ground her. Even if the pink velvet couch was a result of Glimmer’s very deep pockets and entirely too much time browsing Pinterest.
Glimmer had lived in the dorms insisting to Angella and Micah that it was “a part of the experience” but really, she had just wanted her first taste of independence. When Catra had finally gotten there sleep deprived and still in shock even after the long drive, she had been already waiting for Catra in the tiny room they would come to share purple sparkly comforter and sheets already fitted to her bed.
Even though she was born into money Glimmer hadn’t gotten to where she was just because of Angella and Micah’s money. She was smart and capable in her own right but she felt like she had something to prove and most of all wanted space from Angella and Micah’s loving but admittedly sometimes suffocating presence.
After that first year, she had decided that it was better to use her money to help to support her friends and not take up a space that someone else might have needed with her delayed teenage rebellion. That’s how she had ended up asking Catra to move in with her off-campus rent-free.
That had definitely been a shock considering Catra barely ever spoke a word to her and the ones she did say were bitchy.
When she had said that Glimmer had just laughed and snorted out “Yeah. But so am I. You’re clean, you mind your business, and even though you’re prickly, I like you. Plus, it’s free rent.” Glimmer had grinned.
That had been enough for Catra.
Glimmer had ended up asking Perfuma, her friend from her Botany class to move in too and even when she was thoroughly fucking up her life she had to admit, it was nice living with them. They worked well together. Glimmer and Perfuma and now even Scorpia, were spots of sunshine in her days. They made sure she ate semi-regularly. They dragged her out to stupid shit like game nights. They didn’t hover, and they didn’t push her but they watched her to make sure she wasn’t spiraling too deep. They cared.
That was more than she had ever thought she was going to get. And it was definitely more than she deserved.
“Writing another one of your sappy-ass love letters?” Catra asks peeking over Glimmer’s shoulder. Catra knew the answer already because she had “the box” out again. Pink, huge, and overflowing with every kind of pen, marker, and sticker you could think of.
“As a matter of fact, yes. I am. And fuck you” She says sticking her tongue out at Catra which just makes her snort.
“Damn Sparkles, ‘fuck you before I even have my coffee? Harsh.” Catra replies her hand posed over her chest in mock hurt. Glimmer just rolls her eyes and huffs.
“Ugh, this is the last letter before I finally get to meet him. The. Last. One. It has to be perfect!” She says placing yet heart-shaped sticker around the border of the purple stationery.
“I mean, I think the stickers are doing the heavy lifting for you there,” Catra says snickering over her shoulder and Glimmer pauses to glare up at her.
“You’re such an asshole. I’m serious! What if he changes his mind about meeting me?” Glimmer asks, her voice getting smaller now and Catra almost feels bad for giving her a hard time.
“Then he’s a fucking idiot, and he doesn't deserve you anyway,” Catra says shrugging, and Perfuma laughs now too from the sink.
“I think what Catra means is he’s not going to change his mind Glimmer. You guys have been writing to each other for months.” Perfuma assures
“Yeah, and anyone fucking corny enough to join a pen pal website and then develops a crush on that same pen pal is not the ghosting type. It’s gonna be fine Glim.” Catra says almost bored but despite her flippancy Glimmer looks relieved at their words.
Glimmer had a lot of energy and channeled that energy into hobbies. She was always trying something new and roping whatever poor soul was around to experiment or practice on.
She had taken up scrapbooking last year which lasted a whole two weeks until she ran out of pages. Then she had a bullet journal phase and took hours perfecting her notes using swirling letters and way too many fucking highlighters.
When she got bored of that she tried her hand at sewing which had been an utter disaster. She tried cooking after that, which hadn’t been half bad except for the fact that there had always been a 50/50 chance her or Perfuma might come home to every window in the apartment open and the faint smell of smoke. Still, they had gotten some pretty good dinners out of that.
When she gave up on that, she had signed up for a pen pal online to send letters to because she loved getting mail and her Etsy habit just wasn’t doing it for her like it used to.
You put in your interests, how often you were willing to write, and then the algorithm matched you with someone. That was how she had met Bow.
She hadn’t even known that was a thing but it was a fitting love story for people as disgustingly sappy as Glimmer and Bow.
They had been writing for almost a year and a half now and even though she had never met him, Catra felt like she knew Bow as well because Glimmer talked about him all the time.
Once they had danced around their very clear crush on each other and Glimmer finally confessed, they agreed to keep up writing letters. They texted and Facetimed, but the letters were special. They wrote pages and pages for the other covered in colorful tape and stickers and got to know each other in a way that was uniquely them.
From what Glimmer had shared, their letters were equal parts disgustingly sappy and also achingly genuine. They were often there for each other and Glimmer had expressed more than once that she felt like she could tell him anything.
Catra never got tired of listening to Glimmer talk about him. Glimmer was in love in that way that no matter how hard you try you always end up bringing that person into all of your conversations because somehow everything relates to them. She understood that.
She had been like that once too.
They were meeting in two weeks. He was flying in from Pennsylvania to stay for a week and they were going to meet at one of the more scenic parks. Glimmer had asked Catra to come for moral support but even if she hadn’t there was no way in hell she was letting Glimmer meet a stranger at a park alone no matter how nice he sounded.
Glimmer could more than handle herself but if Catra knew how to do anything it was giving off the aura of intimidation. She would stick around long enough to figure out if he was a murderer or exactly as soft as the puppy stickers on his letters and then go hang out somewhere to catch up on homework or something. It’s not like she had anything better to do.
She had tried and failed to take up hobbies. Yoga with Perfuma, painting with Glimmer, she had even tried to take up the guitar which had been more successful than the other stuff but she didn’t stick with it.
Both Glimmer and Perfuma urged her to keep busy. They didn’t know the whole story, hell, they didn’t even know half of the story, but they knew that Catra was broken. They insisted that distraction was a healthy part of the healing process and Catra knew they were right, but that’s what they didn’t understand, Catra wasn’t interested in healing.
She wasn’t something to heal from. That summer, the best days of her life, weren’t something to heal from.
Time was both cruel and kind in the sense that someday it would not hurt as much as it does. Even now, three years later, it hurt less than it did when she got here, but she wasn’t healing
She was learning to live around the hole without falling in.
She was getting by.
She was doing her best.
A part of that was not shutting down. When she had hardened herself to all of their memories and tried with every cheap shot of vodka and every extra shift to forget she had ever existed and blue eyes and the feeling of calloused hands in her own when she finally hit rock bottom, she shattered into tiny pieces.
When she was trying to forget it all, anything could set her off.
It had been little things that had been enough to make her feel like she had been punched in the stomach. Someone that looked a little much like her at the grocery store. Hearing a song they used to dance to as kids. The smell of a stranger's soap when she had been standing too close to them. Scorpia’s stupid fucking protein powder.
She had learned her lesson and instead of pretending it had never happened, she allowed herself to remember. Selectively.
Truthfully, she thought about her all the time.
Her stupid laugh, the smug grin when she was getting competitive for no reason, the warmth of her skin even in the middle of freezing winters in Weaver’s house who refused to ever turn on the heat.
But she had rules.
She didn’t think about kisses or strong hands gripping her hips. She didn't think about the look she used to give her so full of love it had made her feel like she was going to melt right into the ground, and she didn’t think about that summer.
She never thought about that summer.
She also stayed off social media. She had never really liked it anyway, but she knew how tempting it would be to lurk through picture after picture of what her life was like without her.
She knew she couldn’t handle that, and even if she could, she didn’t deserve it after what she had done.
She deserved to never see her face again. She deserved to wonder if she was happy without her.
She also gave herself a time limit. She didn’t linger. She had the thought and moved on. She didn’t ruminate. She didn’t sink into the tempting ocean of their past even though she wanted nothing more than to give up treading water and allow it to take her under.
Her memories were more like companions now, accompanying her even in the most mundane of her tasks.
Brushing her teeth and thinking about her.
Eating lunch and thinking about her.
Doing homework and thinking about her.
She might have had a chance at becoming whatever idealized version of her healed self that existed in her friend's minds if it had been as simple as getting heartbroken. But it wasn’t.
She had lost something pivotal to her makeup. Something essential and irreplaceable. This hadn’t been a simple breakup. This had been her entire life shattering into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. And she had been the one holding the hammer.
They hadn’t even actually dated that long. Three and a half months. But they had spent almost every day together since they were six.
She didn’t even ever think of her as her ex-girlfriend. That felt so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. She had lost her best friend. Half of her brain. The only home she’d ever known.
And they meant well, she knew they did, but they just didn’t understand.
They had not been through anything like this and even though more than anything she wishes someone understood how hard it was to just fucking breathe most days, She hoped they never would.
“Okay, what about this one?” Glimmer asked. They had been at this for at least an hour and Catra was taking deep breaths. She knew Glim was nervous because she had been a wreck all week leading up to tomorrow when she was supposed to meet Bow. Now that they were on the tail end of it and Glimmer would soon return to a normal human being rather than a flurry of anxious flailing, Catra couldn’t help but start to wish desperately for the morning.
“That’s the third version of the same outfit. It’s just a different shirt,” Catra frowns and Glimmer looks appalled at her simplification.
“EXACTLY! A different shirt makes all the difference! It has to be perfect. I need to look cool and effortless but also like I tried . I can’t wear a dress because that’s trying way too hard for going to a park even for me but I still want to look put together, you know? Ugh!” Glimmer rambles and Catra nods even though no, she does not know. She would’ve just worn tighter jeans than normal and one of her better flannels and called it a day.
Glimmer looks wildly at the pile of clothes by her feet and flops down right next to it with a sigh.
“It has to be perfect.” She says quietly now.
“We’re not talking about the shirt anymore are we?” Catra guesses
“No,” Glimmer says voice still small “What if it’s different when we meet? Or he doesn’t like me as much as he thought he did? I know to you this whole thing is kind of ridiculous but Catra, he’s so good. He’s kind, and he’s patient with me, and he never makes me feel like I’m too much. I know we’ve never met but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. He gets me and when he doesn’t get me, he listens until he does. I don’t want to lose that.” She finishes.
Catra slides down the wall to sit next to her and looks at her now.
“No, I don’t think it’s ridiculous, Sparkles. I think you guys are both cheesy as fuck but I know how much you care about him and from what you’ve told me, he cares about you too. I’m not just saying this because I’m tired of standing here watching you try every piece of clothing you own,” Glimmer punches her in the arm at that.
“Hey! Look, I’m just saying I get it. It’s going to be fine though. He’s going to love you because he already does. And I stand by what I said, If he doesn’t, I’ll just kick his ass.” Catra shrugs which makes Glimmer snort.
“You know, you’re a pretty good friend Kit Kat.” Catra frowns at the compliment and the nickname Glimmer had given her after she had insisted on calling her Sparkles despite Glimmer’s protests.
She wasn’t a good friend. At least, she really hadn’t been one in the past. But she was trying and that had to count for something.
In the end, Glimmer finally decided on the first outfit she had tried on. Once they had cleaned up and hung basically all of Glimmer’s clothes back up in her closet, they made their way into the living room to find Perfuma laying another fluffy blanket down on the floor. She had pulled out all of their best blankets, pillows, and anything else soft to make a giant bed in front of the TV for their night.
There was no way Glimmer was going to get any sleep trying to sleep on her own so Perfuma had suggested a sleepover in the living room. As much as Catra was not the sleepover and gossip type but she knew this would be a good distraction for Glimmer so she was going to suck it up. She hadn’t slept next to anyone since— well, since then. But this wasn’t sleeping, this was hanging out and hoping Glimmer didn’t have a panic attack waiting for tomorrow. That she could do.
After they had polished off a large pizza and watched the movies Perfuma had picked that were supposed to “set the tone for love” in preparation for tomorrow which was just a really shitty queer holiday movie and The Notebook, Catra was exhausted. Usually, she had trouble sleeping, staring at the ceiling for hours before she finally passed out.
To go to sleep, you had to let your guard down, and when Catra’s guard was down, so much of the stuff she tried to never think about came floating to the surface.
It was always the small stuff she thought she had forgotten. Memories from when they had just been kids climbing the big tree in her front yard, the one Halloween she had eaten so much candy she had thrown up even after Catra had warned her she should take it slower. The Valentines Day in third grade when she had given Valentine’s to the entire class and then after school when they had been walking home gave Catra single chocolate rose saying to her that she loved her the most.
When she could sleep, sometimes she dreamed of her. Always the same dream. Her face crumpling as Catra slammed the trunk of her car shut and the way she had said her name— broken and hoarse. Catra had never heard her voice sound like that.
Catra shook her head. She could not do this shit today.
Tonight had to be a good night because tonight wasn’t about her.
Tonight was about being a good fucking friend.
“Do you want me to pull a card before we go to sleep?” Perfuma asked holding her tarot deck in one hand.
Catra wasn’t sure she believed any of it. She also wasn’t sure she didn’t believe any of it either. She wasn’t going to pretend she knew shit about how the universe worked. Too many impossible things had happened to her to pretend she had a clue, but what she did know was as annoying as it was, Perfuma had been right about meditation helping her stress overall when she remembered to do it.
She also knew that it was cool either way. So she was down.
“Yes, please!” Glimmer squealed clapping
“Lay it on us Fuma,” Catra said
Perfuma closed her eyes as she began to focus and shuffle the deck. Once she was satisfied she pulled one card from the pile and placed it down.
The Lovers. The card had two people facing each other, a sun between them.
“Oh, this is perfect!” Perfuma said, her entire face lighting up.
“It’s two people coming together who are meant to be together. Soulmates.” She said simply and Glimmer looked like she could cry with relief, some of the tension melting away from her frame.
Catra had already known that though. Glimmer and Bow hadn’t met yet but it was obvious that everything they had built would just get stronger once they met.
Maybe the cards knew what they were talking about after all.
Catra and Perfuma woke up early and did their best to be quiet as they walked around the house. They had already decided Perfuma would help Glimmer get ready, and Catra would go out for bagels and coffee before driving them over. Glimmer grumbled a bit but otherwise stayed asleep thankfully.
When Catra returned with caffeine and sustenance in hand, Glimmer was already dressed and Perfuma was sitting with her doing deep breaths.
“You’ve got this” Perfuma said sincerely
“I’ve got this” Glimmer echoed
Catra hovered at the door and smiled at the display. Glimmer did need to breathe. The nerves were practically rolling off of her and Catra was even starting to feel squirmy.
“You ready, Sparkles?” Catra asked quirking an eyebrow at her. Glimmer gave her best effort at a smile.
“Ready as I’ll ever be!” She said kind of unhinged but they didn’t have the time to unpack that.
“Okay, let’s go meet lover boy” Catra smirked
The drive over was filled with the music turned up and Glimmer’s “Hype Me Up” playlist. Catra even sang along with her which she usually pretended to be too cool for because Glimmer did need to get out of her head if she hoped to not throw up before they got there. As they pulled into a parking space with Brittany Spear’s Circus still blasting, Catra turned the volume down. Glimmer looked terrified.
“Glimmer, Perfuma is right. It’s going to be fine. He already knows you. He flew hundreds of miles and endured TSA just to meet you. You don’t have anyone to impress, this is just about finally seeing him and probably making out.” Catra said in what she hoped was a reassuring and comforting tone. Reassuring wasn’t her thing but damn it she was trying.
“Aww, Kit Kat, did you just call me by my real name?” Glimmer said making wide eyes at her as Catra scoffed.
“Don’t get used to it, Glitter” Catra sneered and Glimmer rolled her eyes fondly.
“I’ve got this,” Glimmer said repeating Perfuma’s earlier mantra. She sounded almost confident.
“You’ve got this,” Catra repeated as they exited the car. Glimmer sent a text to Bow to make sure he was here and when he sent back that he was excitement finally started to eclipse Glimmer’s nerves as she pulled Catra along to the picnic tables where they agreed to meet.
“He’s really here!” Glimmer squealed bouncing up and down as Catra made out his shape in the distance next to another person.
They were facing away from them. It was a good sign that he’d brought a friend too. It meant he’d thought of Glimmer’s comfort and also probably meant he didn’t want to get kidnapped or murdered either.
As they made their way closer, Glimmer practically skipping, a strange unease starts to settle over her and the tell-tale flutters of butterflies begin to stir in her stomach. The air starts to feel different, almost thick, and a buzz begins to beat beneath her skin making her palms sweat and her legs feel unsteady.
The silhouette next to him becomes clearer and clearer and as it does, Catra starts to feel dizzy.
Strong arms, blonde ponytail, familiar squared shoulders.
It kind of looks like—-
No.
No.
She was past this. She used to think she saw her all the time and it would send her skittering to the closest dark and small space to collapse into tears. She lived in California now. Everyone was strong and tall and blonde. And yes, Bow went to U-Penn and she’s pretty sure that’s where she had ended up going because that had always been the plan, but it was a huge place. The chances were basically none.
There’s just no way.
But you’d know her anywhere, in any life a small part of Catra whispers and she has to resist hissing out loud.
Not in this life.
In this life, she fucked up.
In this life, she is never going to know her again and it’s her own fault.
But as they come closer and closer the butterflies in her stomach take flight and her stomach swoops like a boat getting ready to capsize.
They are still facing away from them until Glimmer is within earshot and calls out Bow’s name.
“Bow!” Glimmer says giddily still holding onto Catra’s wrist. When they finally turn around, Catra feels the entire world stop spinning.
She wants to deny what’s right in front of her but her body is ahead of her mind, and it reacts to the presence in front of her, her heart pounding wildly in that familiar rhythm calling out to hers before she can stop it.
Finally, it beats
I missed you so much it confesses
I’d know her anywhere, in any life, it soars
Catra watches blue eyes go wide and bitten pink lips part in shock.
Even like this, probably seconds away from being cursed out Catra can’t help but stare. She looks even taller somehow and is wearing a green v neck Catra’s pretty sure she got sophomore year of high school. Her hair is longer now, looking almost golden under the bright afternoon sun.
“Glimmer!” Catra hears Bow call out and then she is set free from Glimmer’s grip as she is swept up in his arms. Catra lets her wrist fall limply to her side as she stands rooted to her spot.
They pull apart grinning like fools when Bow finally acknowledges what has caused Catra to basically go comatose.
“Sorry, I didn’t introduce you, this is my friend—”
“Adora” Catra breathes, saying her name out loud, or at all, for the first time in three years.
Adora likes flying.
Before college, she had never even been on a plane. It hadn’t even been a possibility in her childhood. Now after three years of flying out to see Bow’s dads during summer break in New York and meeting them in Colorado during the winter to ski, she looked forward to the low hum of the engine and the feeling of possibilities.
Adora likes flying, but without fail, she always thinks of Catra when she does. After all, the first time she thought she would ever get on a plane was to see her again.
She had given up on texting and calling quickly. Catra would’ve changed her number, and if she hadn’t, definitely would have at least blocked her. She was always good at shutting people out, and she was nothing if not thorough, putting every defense she could think of in place. The fences around her heart were sturdy, and lined in barbed wire.
She knew if she was ever going to see her again, hell even talk to her again, she was going to have one shot at it.
Adora had thought about this in excruciating detail. Mapping out every single plausible way this could go if she had any chance of seeing her again.
The most likely? Catra would have a moment of weakness. Or a second thought. Or a single fleeting moment of vulnerability and reach out. And if she did, Adora would be ready.
That first summer she saved every single penny she made working at the smoothie shop. She didn’t need the money considering she had a full ride and more than enough additional scholarships and grants to keep her afloat.
No, she saved that money for maybe someday a plane ticket.
Because if Catra ever reached out, and she was willing to try and fix things, she would go to her, no matter where in the world she was and no matter how short notice.
So obviously, she needed money. For the plane ticket, hotels, and whatever else she might need while she was there.
After that first year, she didn’t really believe it would ever happen, but she still found herself saving anyway. As a way to make herself feel better and as a way to have control over something.
When she told Mermista this after a particularly grueling study session for their Chemistry class and half a bottle of celebratory cheap Moscato, she had looked at her with the most emotion she’d probably ever seen her display.
“That’s….” Mermista had trailed off
“Pathetic? Delusional?” Adora had offered with a bitter laugh because yeah, it was now that she had heard it out loud herself. Catra had left her. Discarded her like she had never meant a single thing to her. And here she was, saving up money to see her if she ever decided Adora was worth the time of day.
She had treated her like some girl she had gotten bored of and just wasn’t taking the hint.
That’s what had hurt the most.
They had been together the entire summer and getting broken up while she piled her things into her trunk to drive away from her as fast as possible had been cruel. It would’ve been cruel to do to anyone.
But to treat Adora, Adora who Catra had known her entire life, who had been her best friend since before either of them had even lost all their baby teeth, like just a girlfriend she had gotten bored of was so painful she didn’t know how to make sense of it. She didn’t know how to process the idea that maybe all of it had been fake. That even though Adora felt like if soulmates did exist surely they were them and had been them in so many lifetimes before, Catra had left like it was nothing.
“Sad,” Mermista had hiccuped “That’s so fucking sad,” Mermista had said.
Adora had cried then, for the first time in front of someone else about her. Mermista had just sat with her and was present in that way of hers. She wasn’t comforting in the traditional sense, but she was fierce. She had refused to let Adora apologize for crying, and she was prepared to kick out anyone who might have walked in to give Adora her moment.
After that, Mermista watched her a little more closely. She commented if Adora seemed more tired than usual. She would sometimes bring extra food with her when they ate lunch and conventionally slip it to Adora if she had forgotten to eat. It was her caring without saying she cared.
It was familiar. In a lot of ways, Mermista reminded her of Catra. Her sarcasm, her wit, her feigned aloofness. She thinks they would’ve made great friends.
The intercom lets the plane know they will be in Los Angeles in thirty minutes and she looks to Bow who is now wide-eyed and stiff as a board next to her.
“Bow, breathe” Adora reminds gently
“I’m breathing. Who’s not breathing? I’m breathing!” He practically squeaks out.
“We’re not even going to see her today,” Adora says attempting to be reassuring. Bow deserved reassurance with all the emotional support he gave others.
“I know, I know, it’s just getting real, you know?” Bow says quietly and Adora nods
“Yeah, I know, but we’re here. And you’re finally meeting her!” Adora exclaims which makes Bow grin.
“I’m finally meeting her!” Bow returns excitedly.
Originally, Bow had heard about the online pen pal thing from Sea Hawk, Mermista’s boyfriend. She had refused to hear another story about his childhood sailing and the seemingly never-ending knowledge of boats, so she had sarcastically suggested he find someone who cared to talk to and leave her alone.
Of course, he had taken this endeavor to new heights and found an actual sailor to exchange letters with. An old sailor who lived in an actual lighthouse.
Bow had only joined because Sea Hawk didn’t want to alone and had proclaimed it would be an adventure. Bow had already had a soft spot for handwritten letters because it was the only he communicated with his dads growing up when he went to summer camp so decided to indulge him. He had filled out the questionnaire seriously but after Sea Hawk had been paired with an actual sailor had pretty low expectations for how this was going to turn out.
Then he had been paired with Glimmer. Glimmer lived in California and was very much not an old sailor.
Adora had suspected his crush long before he had barged into her dorm and admitted it. He cherished the letters that came in actual pink envelopes and rose-scented stationery. His entire face lit up as he read them eagerly, thumbing across every sticker left in the margins. So when he had finally flung Adora’s door open one day and exclaimed,
“I think I like Glimmer! Like, like like her.”
Adora had nodded along as if it was obvious because it was.
“Why are you just nodding?!” He had asked
“Because, yeah, duh. You talk about her constantly.” Adora had returned
“I do not!” He had squeaked, his face heating up and tinting his cheeks red.
“Glimmer’s favorite color is purple, she’s an only child, an art major, her favorite fruit is strawberries, and she drinks tea because it’s supposed to be relaxing and everyone is always saying she has too much energy but she actually hates it and prefers coffee. This month she’s trying out French Lavender to help her sleep.” Adora had rattled off smirking up at him
Bow had looked at her wide-eyed and flushed and even deeper shade of red.
“Okay….I talk about her a lot. Point made.” He had admitted, sitting on her bed next to her. Adora had nodded grinning.
The hard part had been convincing him to do something about it . He hadn’t wanted to ruin their friendship, which Adora understood completely considering dating Catra is what had ultimately destroyed them but she had never regretted it.
Even if it had all been fake and had meant nothing to Catra, she could never regret it.
She had gotten to hold her without pulling away and trying to pretend it didn’t mean something. She had gotten to kiss her more times than she thought possible in a single summer. Thousands of kisses maybe.
Lazy kisses in the morning with sunbeams illuminating her freckled cheeks. Slowly heated kisses underneath the stars and humid summer air. Kisses that turned to whimpers as Adora had pinned her hips to the steamy shower wall.
It had been worth it. To have her, really have her, even if Adora knew she would never come close to feeling like that with someone again.
She told Bow as much. Which is why they were here.
After Glimmer had finally broken the tension and confessed to him, he started making plans to fly out to see her. They had almost gone twice but something would always end up falling through. It wasn’t until now, during their spring break that things had lined up perfectly.
It wasn’t even the plan for Adora to come with him, but the only other person who could have come was one of Bow’s dads George, and bringing one of your parents to meet your girlfriend for the first time was a little intense even for as people as smitten with each other as Glimmer and Bow.
So Bow had asked her to come and proposed a vacation of sorts.
“When is the last time you took a break? You’re always studying, and when you’re not studying you’re at the gym, and when you’re not there you’re working. Rest is important. This is a perfect opportunity to relax some!” Bow had exclaimed while Adora had been hunched over her desk, pouring over her notes and failing to make any sense of them. Had she been half asleep when she wrote these? Her normally mediocre handwriting had been particularly horrible and careening into the margins of the paper. She had sighed heavily, resigning to having to redo them.
“You go to the gym with me most of the time,” Adora had grumbled and Bow nodded along
“That’s true, but I take breaks. I go out. I sleep. The only time I see you outside of this room is when we are at the gym. And I know you’re not sleeping enough.” He had said. Adora had sighed again at that. Why was everyone so obsessed with her sleeping? She slept! Eight hours a night had been disproven a million times at this point. She took naps. She got at least four a night. She was fine.
She was going to say as much to him but she looked into pleading eyes and knew she was a goner. She sighed heavily again and Bow’s face lit up in victory.
“It’s going to be fun! We can go to the beach, actually run outside for once, and you can take a much-needed break.” He had grinned and Adora hadn’t been able to help smiling back at him. His happiness was infectious. That’s what she loved the most about Bow. He was sunshine in human form. Warm and kind and understanding in a way she hadn’t experienced before. He made her want to take better care of herself, if only not to disappoint him.
He wasn’t as pushy as Mermista was, but he noticed when she started to slip back into darker places. If she was zoning out, he was always quick to suggest a movie break to refocus her. If she hadn’t left her room in a while he would stop by and suggest they go work out together or grab food. He cared and he listened and finding him and Mermista had been the best thing to happen to her since everything had fallen apart.
They start to deboard the plane which is an ordeal. When they are finally out they navigate the nightmare that is LAX. Adora is pretty sure she’s never seen so many people in her entire life. They shuffle through throngs of people with their carry-ons to baggage claim and after waiting for much longer than they both anticipated they have their bags in tow and make their way out to pick up their rental car. Adora is in a daze for most of it and is so grateful for Bow’s meticulous and steady nature when she starts to feel anxious and scattered. Before the worse of her anxiety can kick in, their bags are packed into the back of their car and Bow is practically bouncing as he settles into the driver's seat.
“We’re here,” he says laughing like he almost can’t believe it. Adora can’t help but grin back equally as wide. Once they are both settled Adora starts queuing up their designated California playlist which is just cheesy songs about California as Bow starts the journey to their Airbnb.
Truthfully, Adora never really thought much about leaving growing up. The plan was always to get Catra out of Weaver’s clutches and use college to do it, but she never felt strongly about where they ended up next. Catra on the other hand craved sunshine her entire life. She hated the cold and wasn’t fond of the snow beyond for cuddling up and watching it through a window. When they had looked at colleges together, they looked at places where there would be plenty of sunshine.
They applied to so many schools together, including Adora’s dream school. Adora had thought at the time that getting into U-Penn would be a long shot until she did. Shortly after, Catra had too and Adora had been over the moon and in disbelief that life would manage to line up everything so perfectly. That should've been her first clue.
The plan had always been for them to go together. But that had been before everything and before that summer.
Before Catra had left, without any explanation, and left Adora wondering where she had gone.
Adora had thought about that night so much over the last three years and even after taking it apart piece by piece she still couldn’t make any sense of it.
She replayed those last words Catra had said to her over and over all the time, hoping to read between the lines.
"We were kidding ourselves, Adora!”
But it never gave anything away. Not where she was going, or why she was going in the first place.
Adora flinches a little at the memory— she really could not afford to think about that night right now. Not here with Bow, as he bobbed along to the music tapping along on the steering wheel. He had tried so hard in the last few months to cheer her up and even though he had come here to meet Glimmer, he had brought Adora to help her feel better. Secretly, she didn’t know if that was possible, not in the way he hoped for, but she wanted to try, if only for Bow’s sake.
Instead, Adora watches the palm trees pass and marvels at how they look so much like the pictures of them framed by the blue open sky.
Catra would have loved it here.
If she knew where she was, Adora thinks she would be able to sleep a little better at night knowing she was safe but she really had no clue. Catra had gotten into every single school she had applied to, and those schools spanned across the entire country. She couldn’t imagine Catra not going to one of them at least, she was too dedicated to her future for that, but she had no way of knowing. Catra also never really did social media and even when she did the only updates on it were other people tagging her in pictures. She could’ve changed her mind by now, but Adora was probably already blocked even if she had. That didn’t stop Adora from looking though, especially in the beginning, but as time passed Adora came to accept Catra’s decision.
As kids, when she was still too afraid to ask for the attention she really wanted Catra would hide so Adora would come and find her. Sometimes she would avoid her whole days at school because she didn’t know how to express what she really wanted.
Adora always knew when she was running because she wanted to be chased. She left a trail. She shut all the doors but left the windows unlocked.
This time, Catra had made it abundantly clear she did not want to be chased.
After what seems like endless stretches of views of the coast, Bow pulls into their Airbnb’s driveway. Without George and Lance’s various credits from traveling so much for their work they would have never been able to afford something this nice. Adora was always taken aback by how generous they were, never hesitating to treat Adora like family. They were only about five miles from the beach and the small white house looked like so many Adora had seen in movies.
As soon as they were parked they were both a flurry of motions unpacking the car and taking their stuff to their respective rooms. In the silence, their unspoken emotions fill the air between them. Bow’s anxiety is palpable and Adora’s responding anxiety about not knowing really how to reassure him only makes it worse. She never was the best with feelings. After all, she had missed the signs from the person she knew best in the world.
The idea that she had missed something was one of the only things that kept whatever dam inside of Adora from breaking. There had to have been signs and she had to have missed them. Maybe Catra had been more stand-offish the day before and Adora hadn’t picked up on it. Or maybe she had dropped subtle clues for weeks that Adora had been too happy to bother noticing them for the red flags they were.
It had to be a personal error. A result of Adora’s repressed childhood. She was emotionally stunted, she got too wrapped up in things to notice the big picture, she got distracted. If she had noticed sooner she could have done something to fix it. She could’ve talked to Catra. They could have worked it out like they always did when one of them defaulted to one of their less than healthy coping mechanisms. Adora has always known Catra was a runner, she just had never run this far before.
Logically Adora knew that even if she had missed something, Catra ultimately chose to do what she did. Still— it soothes some part of her to blame herself. At least if it’s her fault, she has someone to blame. Someone she sees every day in the mirror instead of just memories that Adora desperately tries to make sense of.
It gives her pain shape and form, something tangible she can hold between her palms. It gives her something to fix and something to strive towards. Maybe she would never be able to fix things with Catra, but she would never make the same mistake again.
She would never be so stupid, so completely swept up, that she didn’t prepare for the worst.
Adora sits on the edge of her bed and finally takes in the room. It is crisp and clean with its white linen curtains and white plush bedding. It is the biggest bed Adora has had since she has left home. She might not be able to relax the way Bow hopes she will, but she will enjoy being away from campus and getting more space and fresh air. She didn’t realize how small her living quarters were until she was in a normal-sized room again.
While Adora puts the last of her clothes away in the dresser, Bow knocks on the door smiling clad in shorts and sandals.
“Want to go to the beach?” He asks and Adora nods in earnest now. The beach, which is close enough that they can be there in less than ten minutes. She thinks she could get used to this.
The ocean is nothing like Adora imagined it would be. It is so much bigger than she thought it was, spanning miles and miles until deep blue water is all she can see. She is immediately addicted to watching the push and pull of the waves, water lapping at their feet only to retreat and come back. It is meditative and despite Adora’s skepticism, she is something relaxed as they walk along the water and stick their feet in.
She and Bow walk up and down the beach just talking, only stopping to sit to watch the sunset. The sky is painted vivid with oranges and pinks, and Adora gets lost in watching the sun dip below the horizon. She leans her head on Bow’s shoulder and he places his head on top of hers affectionately.
They are quiet, just watching and content with the silence. That is another thing she loves about Bow. He never tries to fill the silence with unnecessary chatter. Adora tended to ramble when she was upset or embarrassed and there was never a need to do that with him because Bow made her feel at ease. Steady when she wasn’t, calm when she felt frayed at the edges, quiet when she needed space to think.
Despite not wanting to go at first, Adora is happy she gets to be here for Bow after everything he has done for her. She is happy she gets to be his rock as much as he is hers.
“I’m really happy you asked me to come. I’m happy I get to be here for you like this, ” Adora says finally and she feels Bow smile a little.
“Adora, you are always there for me. When I need a gym buddy, when I need help studying, or when I just need someone to talk to. You do so much for me already, but I’m happy you came too. Not just for me, but you. You deserve rest, I know you don’t think you need it but you do. Everybody does.” He says gently and Adora nods at that. She knows he’s right, she just doesn’t know how to. She is afraid to rest. She’s not sure what she would do with too much time to think.
After it starts to get truly dark they make their way to the car and pick up burritos at one of George and Lance’s favorite places before getting back to the Airbnb. They eat together and hang out watching TV until jetlag finally catches up with the both of them and they make their way back to their rooms.
Despite how tired she is, Adora has a hard time falling asleep. She tosses and turns on the too-soft mattress and stares at the ceiling for at least an hour before sleep finally takes her, anxiety still swirling in her gut before exhaustion finally wins out.
Adora feels nauseous as Bow pulls shakily into the parking lot and puts his head on the steering wheel. She generally didn’t get car sick but after what they had just been through she wasn’t surprised.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” he squeaks out and Adora puts her hand on his shoulder squeezing it.
“You can. It’s going to be great. You’re finally going to meet her!” Adora tries to say excitedly and she is met with Bow’s pinched expression.
“Nothing today has gone right. What if it’s an omen? What if it’s terrible and she hates me? Oh god— what if she hates me?” Bow starts to spiral and Adora shakes her head at that incredulously, laughing a little.
“She’s not going to hate you! Today was just nerves. Once you meet her you’re going to feel a lot better,” Adora’s not sure who she's trying to convince but her words seem to work because Bow nods.
Admittedly, today had been a disaster so far. Neither of their alarms had gone off on time. Even though she had slept more than she ever did at school Adora had woken up feeling uneasy and foggy and Bow had spilled coffee on the shirt he was going to wear and had to change. After changing Bow hadn’t been able to find the keys and they had spent at least half an hour looking for them.
They had also entirely not planned enough for traffic because they got stuck in it on the way here even though it was barely 1:00 PM. The constant start and stop of the car had made Adora feel like she was on a rollercoaster but not in a fun way. Nothing had gone to plan, but that didn’t matter because she was not going to let any of this stand in the way of Bow’s happiness. She was about to say so when Bow popped his head from the steering wheel with a renewed determination.
“Okay. Okay! We’re doing this. Please let's get out before I change my mind,” Bow says opening the door quickly. Adora follows, eager to get going and shake off whatever bad luck that has seemed to follow them and they make their way over the picnic benches to wait for Glimmer.
They’re only standing there a little while when Bow practically leaps into the air when he feels his phone vibrate.
“She’s here! She’s coming now!” He exclaims and Adora grins. This has been a long time coming.
“Bow!” An excited voice squeals and then there is motion everywhere. A blur of pink is swept up in Bow’s arms and Adora is smiling so hard at them both she thinks her face is going to crack.
Until she realizes Glimmer isn’t alone.
When she finally looks at the person Glimmer came with, she is sure she has finally lost her mind. That, or this is one of those horrible dreams where you think you’ve woken up but you are still asleep. She used to dream of Catra every single night for the first year, and still did at least a couple of times a month. She thinks she did last night, it would explain why she felt so awful when she woke up.
This was a dream. It had to be. A cruel trick cooked up by the most deranged part of her psyche.
Adora rubs her eyes roughly trying to make the scene in front of her disappear but when she looks up she feels all the air leave her lungs.
Catra stands in front of her looking almost exactly as she remembered. The sun has been good to her, her brown skin glinting like bronze against her ripped black tee, and her long dark curls splayed over her shoulders. She has more freckles dotting both her cheeks and blue and amber jewels burn straight through her with that look that always made her weak in the knees.
It is then when she realizes that not even her most vivid dreams did her justice. Her mind had protected her— blurring the details of her beautiful, infuriating face. But here now, in the flesh, Adora is forced to confront how much she had tried to forget.
“I’m sorry this is my friend—” Bow starts
“Adora” Catra breathes out. Glimmer, who looks exactly like her name with her pink hair and pastel shorts, stares at Catra confused.
“Adora” Bow finishes looking at her smiling, not having heard what she and Glimmer have.
Catra looks like she wants to throw up, but tries to smile at them both anyway.
“Yeah, uh— nice— nice to—” Catra starts and Adora is shocked out of her daze at those words.
She thought her leaving had been the worse thing that would ever happen to her but she was wrong. This was worse.
Catra standing in front of her, pretending she had never even known her at all, is so much worse.
Adora thinks she’s going to be sick.
“Is that— Is that a joke? Nice to meet me ?” Adora says incredulously and Catra starts shaking her head frantically at that.
“No! No, I just, I don’t—I don’t know what to say,” Catra stumbles.
Bow was right.
It had all been an omen.
She should have never come here.
Adora had pictured this day a million times in a million ways. Adora flying to her after Catra finally called her. Catra showing up on her doorstep to apologize and take it all back. Maybe even running into her in their hometown like the movies and getting close again, but this—- she had never pictured anything like this.
Adora always imagined she would feel relieved, like finally after days of breathing through a straw, she would be able to take full breaths. She thought it would feel like being put back together, the pieces of her finally slotting back into place.
But she doesn’t feel any of that now.
Catra never came back to her.
They had ended up here by chance. Not by choice.
And that subtle difference— it breaks Adora open. Catra had chosen to leave. She chose month after month to stay gone. And here they were, a result of some horrible cosmic joke.
She was never going to choose to come back, Adora can see that so clearly now.
Adora never expected it, but she is angry. Livid. She has never been angry like this, not even right after it had all happened, too devastated and consumed with missing her. She would’ve done anything to see her again then. She would’ve taken her back no questions asked. But it is nothing like that now.
Now, she would do anything to wake up tangled up in her sheets in her bed back home, this only another nightmare.
Adora starts backing up before she notices and Catra steps forward, her hand outstretched.
“I— I can’t do this. I am so sorry Bow” Adora says quietly, and Bow looks down at her, brows pinched together in concern and confusion.
“Catra, what is going on?” Glimmer asks now, looking between her and Catra trying to put the pieces together.
“Catra?” Bow asks eyes wider than she’s ever seen them, and Catra flinches at the knowing in his tone.
“Catra, who is this?” Glimmer asks slowly and Adora coughs out a laugh at that.
Fucking incredible.
“She doesn’t even know who I am?” Adora whispers and Catra’s crying now, tears streaming down pink cheeks.
“She does! It’s not like that! I swear it’s not like that, I just never—I couldn’t,” Catra chokes out
“Then what was it like then Catra?” Adora bites out, and Catra’s eyes go wide at the harshness in her tone, so unlike Adora usually is, but she can’t help it now. Glimmer looks between them and Adora sees realization start to dawn on her as her eyes go wide.
Catra stares at her now, tears still streaming down her face and Adora can’t do this. She can’t watch her cry like this not when her own throat feels like it’s closing in and the ground beneath her is dissolving beneath her feet.
She can’t fall apart right now. She needs to leave. Now.
“I—I have to go,” Adora says as she turns to walk away. She wills her shaky legs to get her to the car as she walks as fast as she can without falling. She pretends she doesn’t hear Catra’s raspy voice full of tears call after her.