Chapter Text
Kaz wanted to ignore Jesper. He wanted to huff in annoyance, behaviour he knew full well was far too childish, and roll his eyes. He wanted to decline his friends’ invitation to dinner because he’d made it painfully clear: no dinner parties and no social calls. He only had time for business interactions and scheming. He’d only recently made a small exception for his immediate crows, saying that they could stop by his office unannounced if they so desired. Jesper had taken Kaz up on this offer the very first day. He showed up in Kaz’s office, bristling with excitement, for no reason other than to bring his boss a coffee and a leftover pastry from the mansion. Kaz had found the entire situation odd to say the least, but Jesper’s wide grin and bright eyes had made it worth it. The pastry had also been good. He suspected Wylan had made it. Maybe he was getting a soft, because when Jesper looked at him, all wide eyed and hopeful and asked him to join them for dinner, he muttered something under his breath. Something he hoped he wouldn’t have to repeat.
“What was that?”
Damn it, Jesper.
“I said,” Kaz scowled. “I’ll come.”
“You will?” Jesper actually jumped for joy. His feet left the floor and he bounced around Kaz like an excited puppy. “You really mean it?”
“I will grace you with my presence, but I refuse to be pleasant.”
“You’re never pleasant.”
Kaz’s scowl morphed into a thin line of annoyance as Jesper began to pace around his office.
“If you’re quite finished…”
“Yes!” Jesper stoped abruptly. “I mean, no.”
“No?”
“I’m not finished.”
“That’s a shame,” Kaz pretended to skim over the pile of papers and figures on his desk.
“So you’re coming?”
“I said I would, didn’t I?” Kaz refused to look up and give him the satisfaction.
“I know, I know, I just want to be sure.”
“Why? What’s so damn pressing that I have to be there?”
Jesper didn’t say anything immediately, prompting Kaz to finally look up again.
“Made you look.”
“Bloody—“ Kaz leaned back against his chair and muttered a string of curses. “I don’t find that amusing.”
Jesper tried to suppress a chuckle. “Sorry, boss.”
Kaz grunted and made eye contact with the sharpshooter. “I’ll be there.”
“For sure.”
“You have my word.”
“Okay,” Jesper smiled from ear to ear.
“Don’t make me regret this,” Kaz muttered. He had his face in his paperwork again.
Jesper smile broadened even further. “Oh, and boss?”
“What now?”
“It’s fancy dress.”
“What?” Kaz’s scowl returned.
“Formal attire, Kaz. That suit simply will not do.”
And with that, Jesper chuckled and left the barrel boss muttering curses under his breath.
Kaz wore his best suit. One he’d paid an absurd amount of many to have hand stitched and tailored to his exact specifications. Kaz had no idea why he’d chosen that particular suit for that particular occasion, but he felt something shift in the air. The shadows moved differently and the evening Ketterdam air didn’t seem so thick and poisonous. For a moment, as he limped towards the mansion, he considered the impossible, but then he shook himself. Hope was dangerous. Besides, she wasn’t due back for another month. She’d made that point very clear: a maiden voyage lasting five months. But yet…no. Don’t hope, Brekker. He shook himself again.
He hadn’t seen her in over four months, though he imagined her and dreamed of her more times than he would ever admit. They had made small strides, though. Thorough their tentative correspondence, Inej was able to depict some of her more glorious victories (seeing them written down in colourful, vibrant detail, was even more welcome than hearing about them through whispers on the streets or in his clubs) and he found himself able to share small successes of his own. He told her of expansions; of a particularly fruitful heist thanks to Wylan and a stink bomb, and he told her about leaving his office without his gloves.
Kaz thought about their letters and her elegant penmanship and before he knew it, he found himself standing in front of the mansion’s entrance. He allowed himself a moment to collect his thoughts before he knocked firmly on the door. Why was he even knocking? Did one knock for dinner parties? It occurred to him that for all of his street smarts and cunning schemes, he knew very little about every day social norms.
The door swung open to reveal a smiling Wylan, dressed in a pair of slim black trousers, a crisp white shirt, and a very vibrant orange suit jacket.
“Hello, Kaz!”
“Hello,” he managed to quirk his lips upwards slightly. “Jesper pick out your jacket?”
Wylan flushed and chuckled lightly. “How ever did you know?”
“Good instincts,” Kaz followed Wylan into their home. He’d forgotten how grand it was. He was equal parts fond of the luxury, perhaps wanting some of it himself, but he also felt out of place. The sliver of farm-boy left in him didn’t know what to do with such extravagant riches.
“How are you?” Wylan asked casually. Kaz knew he was just trying to make conversation, but he grimaced non-the-less. He despised small talk.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s good.”
Kaz continued to follow the merchant into the parlour. “I see you’ve done some redecorating.”
“Oh, that’s all Jesper and mother. Mother loves to decorate and design, you know.”
Kaz limped behind Wylan and nodded. He forgot that Wylan couldn’t see his nod so the conversation momentarily stalled. When Jesper, dressed in a violent velvet purple jacket and grey slacks, saw them he nearly flew from his chair.
“Kaz!” He cried. “You came!”
“I said I would,” said Kaz.
“We’ve got something for you.”
“I am really not one for spontaneous gifts, Jesper.”
“You’ll like this one, I know it,” Jesper grinned and twirled his finger around in a circle.
“What are you…?”
“Turn around,” said Jesper.
“I was just there, what—“ Kaz turned and froze.
Inej stood before him in forest green velvet and her hair pulled back into a complicated twist that he felt sure Wylan had something to do with. She still smelt of the sea, of salt and the vaguest hint of cinnamon, and looked so confident, so radiant, Kaz almost stumbled backwards. He caught himself and clutched his cane a little tighter. His gloves had long been left back at the slat. That had been a new choice; not to take his gloves along at all.
“Hello, Kaz,” Inej’s smile broadened when she saw the absolute awe in Kaz’s expression.
“Hello, Inej,” Kaz rasped in a low voice. Then, in a manner that could only be described as playful, he added, “what business?”
Wylan stifled a giggle.
“Are you serious right now?” Jesper cried exasperated.
“Terribly,” Kaz smirked. “When have I ever been amusing?”
“You’re absolutely hilarious right now,” Inej challenged brightly. Saints, he’d missed her.
Kaz wanted to tell her as much. Tell her the past few months of letter correspondence and all-too-vivid dreams hadn’t been nearly enough.
But he couldn’t.
Not yet, at least.
Inej, in her infinite amount of understanding and compassion, took his hesitation in stride. She could read his expression and saw the vulnerability in it. She could sense that he wanted to say more, and she was thankful for at least that. Her gaze fell on his bare hands, stayed there for a fraction of a second, and then transferred back to his face.
He nodded subtly, still not speaking.
“Thank you,” she breathed.
Kaz swallowed thickly. “Small steps.”
“That’s all I ever asked for.”
Inej heard a sniffle from beside her and chuckled. Wylan was fighting back tears of emotion at their reunion. She forgot they had an audience. Clearly Kaz did as well, because he blinked quickly and straightened up to his full hight.
“Well then,” he cleared his throat. “What does one do at a dinner party?”
Jesper laughed at this. “Eat.”
“Drink,” Wylan added with a wink. “I’d love to see drunk Inej.”
“She is quite a lot of fun,” Inej giggled. She giggled and Kaz clutched at his cane again.
Dinner was, contrary to every dubious expectation Kaz had had before, pleasant. Actually, it was better than pleasant. Inej laughed numerous times, once actually at Kaz (when he not-so-tactfully mentioned Wylan’s school-boy blush every time Jesper so much as gazed his way) and they shared stories in comfort and stability. Stability for the first time in, saints, Kaz didn’t know the last time his life had felt truly stable. He was always fighting something or someone. In that moment, he felt light and effortless. He laughed along with Inej. He only flinched a little when Jesper knocked shoulders with him. He took the sharpshooter’s challenge to see who could down the most whiskey in one shot. (No one was surprised when Kaz was crowned the victor after effortlessly gulping down a double shot glass of whiskey while Jesper spluttered and giggled drunkenly.)
Kaz felt, for the first time since his early life on the farm, like a child. Well, not like a child, but like a teenager. Which he, at eighteen years old, was. He felt a little tipsy as he followed the small party into the living room.
“The crown prince of whiskey-dom!” Jesper yelped and looped an arm around Kaz’s shoulder. Kaz only flinched a little. He supposed the alcohol was helping dull his senses.
“King, thank you very much,” he said with a smirk.
Jesper kicked his leg out energetically and almost hit a side table.
“Careful, love,” Wylan stifled a giggle. “We’ll never hear the end of it if mother notices one of her lamps destroyed.”
“Will you get a scolding?” Inej asked with a grin.
“A scolding, a lecture, and a bill,” Wylan sighed as he tried to physically hold a flailing Jesper back.
“I will pay every bill!” He cried. “Every bill in all the land because we are rich men!” Inej coughed dramatically. “And women. Sorry Inej, darling. You are also a rich woman by association!”
“By association?” Inej eyed Kaz, who was chuckling under his breath.
“I’m sure you could acquire plenty of treasure if you wanted,” he said smoothly.
“Oh, absolutely, Mr. Brekker.”
Jesper fought his way out of Wylan’s grip and spun around the room. “You know what we should do?”
“What?” Inej couldn’t help but indulge the boy’s joy.
“Go out to one of those new taverns!”
Wylan raised an eyebrow sceptically. “I think you’ve had enough to drink, love.”
“No, no! You just haven’t had enough,” Jesper grinned. “Okay, so we stay in and be boring.”
“Spare me,” Kaz rolled his eyes.
“We could dance!”
“Excuse me?” Inej’s eyes widened.
“Dance! You know, like moving your legs and twirling around,” Jesper jigged his way over to an over-sized record player. “And look! What a coincidence! We have music.”
An upbeat waltz began to play as Jesper grasped Wylan’s hand and spun him into his open arms.
“Mother loves this song,” the merchant flushed deep red while Jesper placed a series on his cheek.
“I’d rather you didn’t mention your mother right now,” Jesper whispered suggestively.
Kaz felt Inej’s eyes on him. He tried to look away. He tried to keep looking at the drunken fools dancing a sort of waltz-jig-hybrid between fits of laughter and stumbling. He tried, but he finally chanced a glance at Inej, her cheeks pink from the heat in the room and the kvas she had drunk. She looked up at him, almost expectantly. She wanted to dance, he knew that, he just didn’t know if they could. If he could.
“Did you want to…?” Kaz fumbled for the right words.
Inej blushed further and shifted her weight. “If you’d like.”
“I can’t say I’ve ever danced before.”
“I could lead?” Inej turned to face Kaz completely.
The ghost of a smirk played on his lips. “We never have been very traditional, have we?”
“No,” Inej smiled up at him. “And I’ve never been one to follow social expectations.”
“I prefer it that way.”
“So do I.”
Kaz watched her eyes soften. He listen to the background rhythm of the music; a solid reminder that he was in their friends’ living room and not drowning. Inej was extending her hand to him and she was bright and alive and warm and the best kind of dream.
He held out his own hand in offering and waited. He thought it best that she come to him. That she had control over the moment.
“Shall we?” He watched Inej’s hand hover over his palm.
“Are you alright?” Her hand grazed his own, causing his breath to hitch only slightly.
“I’m alright,” Kaz pinched his eyes shut and focused on his breath, the sound of the music, and the scent of almond and cinnamon wafting from Inej’s hair. Then he opened his eyes again. “Are you?”
“I’m fine,” Inej smiled up at him. “Can I put my hand on your shoulder?”
Kaz considered it. (Two layers of fabric and her bare hand.) It was safe. “Yes.”
“And your other hand…” Inej cleared her throat and shifted a millimetre closer to him. “Should go on my waist.”
“Right,” Kaz swallowed. “I knew that.”
He lifted his left hand. It tentatively found purchase on the velvet fabric hugging her waist as her hand rested softly on his shoulder. It seemed tense for a moment, until Inej swayed them a little and Kaz felt himself loosen up. He stared down at his feet, unsure of where they went or even what they were doing. He stumbled once and heard Jesper chuckle in the background.
Then he chanced a look at Inej and suddenly wished for his cane. She was absolutely stunning smiling up at him. She was light and life and maybe it was the moment or the whiskey finally taking hold, but he found himself brave.
“You’re beautiful,” he breathed and shifted another millimetre closer to her.
But then he watched her expression shift. He felt her body tense under his hands. He saw the panic in her eyes and without much warning she pushed him back and gasped for breath.
Kaz regained his balance and opened his mouth to speak, but Wylan got there first.
“Hey,” he swooped in and crouched down to Inej’s level. “Hey, love, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Inej gasped. “Nothing, I—“
And then she darted out of the living room and into the closest washroom.
Kaz swayed on the spot. His jaw was tense and his expression hard set. Wylan went over to him slowly.
“I’ll go to her,” he said.
“I should,” Kaz replied automatically.
“No,” Wylan squared off with the barrel boss. “I need you to trust me, Kaz. Let me see to her first. I promise you, she’ll come around.”
Kaz wanted to shove the boy aside and open the door to the washroom, but he knew better. He knew that Wylan and Jesper had been there for Inej in an emotional way when he hadn’t.
“Fine,” Kaz rasped. “I’ll wait.”
Wylan nodded and quickly entered the washroom. He closed the door behind him before Kaz could look in.
“Hey sweetheart,” Wylan said gently. “It’s just me.”
He crouched down to her level and waited.
“I was supposed to be fun,” Inej held back a sob. She could hear Kaz pacing in front of the bathroom door. It increased her anxiety tenfold.
Wylan cast her a sympathetic glance and for once, the sympathy didn’t hurt her more. Wylan’s sympathy did not come laced with pity. It was simple and honest and for that reason alone, Inej accepted it.
“You were fun,” Wylan said gently. “You are fun.”
“How is this fun?”
“Okay, well, maybe this part isn’t, but we understand.”
Inej buried her face into her hands. “This was supposed to be a surprise. A fun, glittering, night with friends and—“
“Shhh…” Wylan shushed her softly. He extended his arm open to her and breathed a sigh of relief when she fell into his offer. “It was a fun night. I had the best time, ‘Nej, and we all love you so much.”
“I—“ Inej blinked through her tears and looked up at him. “I love you all too. You’re my family.”
Wylan smiled a small, shy, smile that was so soft and so very Wylan. “Well then,” he gave her shoulders a very slight squeeze. “As your family, I’m going to ask you to be kinder to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t control.”
“Nobody else behaves like this.”
“Are you kidding me?” Wylan raised his eyebrows at the girl. “I am the champion of the drunk emotional break-down. I’ve been on this floor, in far worse states than you, more times than I can count. Jesper had to wash vomit out of my clothes once.”
Wylan’s words managed to bring a small smile to Inej’s face. She lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “Suppose I’m allowed to have one or two of these, then.”
“Oh, at least once a month,” Wylan winked and it made Inej realize just how much time he’d been spending with Jesper.
She took a deep breath and tried to collect herself.
“Thank you,” she leaned into Wylan’s embrace. “You are entirely too wonderful.”
“You are entirely too brave,” said Wylan firmly. He felt Inej shake her head and chuckle against him. They stayed quiet for a moment, the tapping of Kaz’s cane outside the door made that much more obvious. “Would you…” Wylan pulled back to look at his friend. “Do you want me to let him in?”
Inej froze. Did she?
“I don’t know,” the words came out as a whisper. She was afraid of her own uncertainty.
Wylan didn’t seem phased. “I understand. I can send him away if that would make you feel better?”
Inej jolted up. “No!” She cried. Kaz’s cane stopped in front of the door.
“Shhh…” Wylan ran a gentle hand through her hair. It forced her to make eye contact with him. “It’s alright. Kaz isn’t going anywhere.”
Inej looked into her friends’ eyes; saw the absolute honesty in them, and nodded.
“I want to see him.”
Wylan reached for her hand and squeezed it. “Do you want me to stay too?”
“If you want to.”
“That’s not what I’m asking,” Wylan offered her a comforting smile. “What do you want?”
Inej took in a shaky breath. “I don’t want to offend you.”
“You’re not,” said Wylan. “If you want to be alone with Kaz, just say. I’ve got a very handsome and very flirtatious boy upstairs that needs tending to.”
That made Inej grin in spite of the waves of anxiety still coursing through her. “He is very handsome.”
Wylan held up a hand in mock defence. “Back off, Wraith. Jesper is mine.”
“Oh, you can have him,” her grin stayed in tact.
A beat of silence.
“Do you want me to let him in?”
Inej swallowed thickly. “Yes.”
Wylan gave her hand a final squeeze and got up to open the door. Kaz stood less than a meter away from the door. His bare hand gripped his cane with white knuckles. His jaw was set and clenched. His eyes darted in every direction, too anxious to focus on any one thing, until he saw Inej propped up against the bathtub. Then that was all he could look at.
“She asked to see you,” Wylan whispered. “She’s alright.”
Kaz managed a stiff, subtle nod. The merchant sent one last comforting smile Inej’s way and left the bathroom.
Inej lifted her gaze, painfully slow, and settled on Kaz’ conflicted expression that was torn between guilt, confusion, and concern. She couldn’t deal with any of the emotions so she buried her face into her hands. Saints, she didn’t know what she needed. She didn’t know what emotion would help stifle her own guilt and pain.
“Inej,” Kaz rasped so softly it was hardly audible. “Inej, I—“
“Don’t,” she choked. “Don’t blame yourself. It was…” she took a second. “Just so sudden.”
Kaz took a slow step closer to her and sat so his back was against the cabinet and his legs extended out in front of him.
“What do you need?” He asked quietly.
“I don’t know,” Inej’s words were muffled from her hands.
Kaz took in a shaky breath. “I know.”
There was a moment of silence, which Inej was grateful for as it helped her focus on her breathing. She could hear Kaz’s breathing, slow, forced, and measured, and it helped her. She was able to match his breathing. Finally, she forced herself to speak again.
“I’m so selfish,” she directed the words to the tile floor.
“Being selfless never won any battles.”
“Kaz,” Inej said his name as if he it held the weight of the world in it. “I’m selfish for giving you an ultimatum that I can’t seem to achieve either.”
Kaz stared straight ahead. He wasn’t sure what to do or what Inej would be comfortable with him doing. He didn’t want to so much as look at her the wrong way. The moment was far too fragile.
“Your demons are conniving. Mine…” Kaz wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue. He was beginning to understand that armer extended beyond layers of clothing. “Mine are perhaps more predictable than yours. You don’t know when yours will strike.”
Inej peaked out from behind her hands.
“It was the word,” she said shakily.
“What I said?” Kaz tensed.
“It wasn’t you,” Inej assured him. “Any girl would love to be called beautiful. It’s just—that word— it was said to me so many times by men who used it as a means to an end.”
Kaz took in a slow breath and looked into her eyes. “I didn’t mean it that way. I would never.”
“I know.”
Kaz saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. “I missed you, wraith.”
The corners of her lips twitched. “I missed you too.”
They sat in silence for some time, their breathing in sync. Inej’s eyes fell to Kaz’s hands.
“Your gloves,” she began tentatively.
“Are in the right hand drawer of my desk.”
“Why?”
“Because you asked it of me,” Kaz said and instantly saw the guilt flash over Inej’s face, so he added in honesty, “And because I want to be able to change.”
Inej stared into his eyes. She found a quality in them— a quality that was decided unlike Kaz Brekker, but exactly what she needed: tenderness.
“I want to be able to be with you. Be that person for you,” she said softly.
Kaz eyes softened even further. “I do too.”
“I wish I could be like Wylan and have you spin me around and dance.”
“I can’t dance,” Kaz said dismissively, but the comment made Inej chuckle. Oh how this impossible boy made her heart both ache and float.
“I’ll have to teach you, then.”
“Teaching a cripple with two left feet,” said Kaz. “You’ve always enjoyed a challenge.”
Inej smiled and felt her spirit return a little. “Kaz?”
“Yes?”
“It wasn’t always…like this for you, was it?” Inej asked the question and looked down at her hands again. He didn’t have to answer. He knew that.
But he wanted to. Without armer, Kaz Brekker.
“No,” he practically choked on the word. “My da hugged me if I had a nightmare and Jordie—“ he inhaled sharply. “He used to hold my hand everywhere. I don’t— I don’t remember it well, though.”
Inej nodded. “I’ve blocked out so much, I hardly remember the good either. I remember my mother holding my hand, but I also remember men…faceless men holding my hands to keep me still.”
Kaz’s jaw clenched. “I would never…”
“I know, Kaz. I know.”
“Good,” Kaz looked over at her again. Their eyes locked as Inej began to speak again.
“I don’t even remember the first time someone held my hand. Everything feels…”
“Tainted,” Kaz supplied.
“Yes.”
There was a heavy pause as the pair simply held eye contact.
Kaz let his hand drop between them, palm facing up. “We can create new memories,” he suggested. His voice shook a little as he spoke. The vulnerability scared him senseless.
“New memories to erase the old ones,” Inej offered Kaz a small smile. “Like new firsts.”
“It won’t be easy.”
“Nothing worth while ever is,” Inej’s hand hovered overtop of Kaz’s. “Is this alright?”
Kaz thought back to the day Wylan had found him mid-panic attack. He’d focussed on his breathing, so Kaz continued to take deep, slow breaths in the hopes that it would keep him from drowning.
“Yes,” he watched Inej’s hand slowly fall into his own. “This is alright.”
It was Inej was jolted slightly. She wasn’t used to such tender, tentative contact. She hadn’t expected Kaz’s thumb to automatically run soothing circles over her knuckles. He looked into her eyes in question.
“I’m alright,” she smiled. “I just wasn’t expecting…” she hesitated. “This is comforting. Nice.”
“Nice,” Kaz repeated the word between slow breaths. “Comforting.”
“Yes.”
Saints, her small hand was so warm and callused from handling ropes and fighting. Warrior’s hands. He couldn’t remember feeling so at peace with contact since before the water took over his life. He breathed through the moment of panic. He kept his focus on Inej; her tender eyes and her warmth. His lips turned up into a small smile of his own.
“This is nice,” he breathed. Inej nodded and relaxed against the tub. Their first new memory. They kept their hands laced together for the better part of an hour.