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The thing about heartbreak is, Todd had been feeling it long before that dreaded night. In one way or another, he had. He didn’t like to think about the what if’s so much, or the note still stuffed underneath his mattress he’d never had the stomach to open. But sometimes, he can’t help it. He’s only human. What if Mr. Perry got stuck in traffic and didn’t make the play. What if he was supportive after seeing how well Neil performed because he did, Oh God he did. What if he got to tell Neil how proud he was of him before he got into that car. What if they had just 5 more fucking minutes.
What if he told him things he hadn’t admitted to himself. What if. Would it change what happened? Or just delay it? We’ll never know, we’ll never know.
Instead he got caught up in memories, to the extent he didn’t know if they were real or things he’d imagined to cope. Sometimes though, he forgot what colour Neil’s sweater was, was it deep green or a dirty brown? And then he’d panic, hands shaking and tears threatening to burn his eyes off. Because he couldn’t, wouldn’t allow himself to forget, the sound of his voice, his favourite colour, the way his footsteps sounded, the fucking rhythm of his breath. If he forgot those, nothing would be left. Neil Perry was not a footnote in his story, he was the whole book. He would be.
The world's first unmanned deskset. Sometimes, Todd wondered if up on that roof, watching the deskset fly down, if Neil imagined himself doing the same. If he’d missed a sign, missed too many. If he could’ve stopped it.
But if he had known, he would have said it. He tells himself that anyway. It wouldn’t be some poetry verse, or highlighted from a Shakespearean play, he’d have said it to his face. No way to read it wrong, no way to avoid it. He’d scream it. Maybe Neil would’ve stayed. It was a stupid thought, he knew that at least. He hadn’t lost it that much. If anything, it could’ve pushed Neil further away. Why would he stay for him ? He wasn’t anyone. No, but Neil made him feel, for a fleeting moment he doubted had even existed, like he was everyone and everything. Standing atop the world, grinning so big his face threatened to split, and thinking he could live forever.
He didn’t want to live forever anymore.
He didn’t want to die either, no, but if it were to happen by accident then he wouldn’t be as devastated as he should be. But that isn’t on Neil. He had friends now, friends that really cared. But his life didn’t hold the prospects he felt like it did. Memories are all he is. Maybe one day he’ll be more. Maybe one day he’ll think back on these days with a sad smile and tell his younger self to hold on because it gets better. He liked that thought and hated it in equal parts. He didn’t have to grieve Neil forever to remember him, he told himself, but it felt wrong. The pain was never ending, and it should be. Even if he wouldn’t want that for Todd.
Anyway, memories.
“Todd, I swear to all things holy if you do not shut the light off and go to sleep-” Todd had only grinned from where he sat, hunched over the novel. He liked the soft edge Neil’s voice had when he was sleepy, his hair tousled, it was more endearing than it should be.
“We should go up to the roof.” He honestly had surprised himself with the idea, he wasn’t usually the one that initiated shit that could get them in trouble if they got caught. No, usually he panicked, basically falling apart with anxiety until they were in the clear. Neil contemplated for a moment before smiling.
“Why not.” He got up from his bed, not even bothering to pat down the absolute monstrous mess of hair that pillow had gotten him, and waited for Todd to follow suit. And soon enough they sat on the edge of the school's roof, feet dangling off the edge. And now, Todd's anxiety was rising. He wasn’t the biggest fan of heights, and for some reason the whole if-i-slip-forward-i-will-surely-die thing was unnerving him. He scooted back very slowly trying to make sure Neil didn’t notice. But he did, of course he did.
He got up completely, moving at least a foot far from the edge and patting the ground for Todd to join him. His heart swelled in a way he could barely control, it happened often. That much he had come to accept. Neil layed down completely on the roof, hands spread out like a starfish. Todd knew that space was for him, so he went and lay next to him, head on Neils chest. He could almost feel Neil’s nose brush against his hair every once in a while.
He didn’t know what they were, then. Or even now. But they weren’t just friends, that much was obvious. A blind man could see it, or hear it he supposes. They weren’t quiet in these moments. But they never said the dreaded 3 words that would make it real out loud. Too afraid of the circumstances it could bring. Instead they would hide it, even from each other. Todd wishes he had been braver.
“How can random balls of gas be so beautiful,” Todd said. His heart was racing in a way so familiar that it felt like coming home.
“I think they look a little lonely” Neil spoke barely above a whisper. “Like- They’re so far away from each other. From everyone and everything. And all they can do is aimlessly stare y’know? Like they have no say in what goes on around them or how it affects them they just have to watch and deal with it by themselves. I know they aren’t alive or anything but it just- it’s stupid, nevermind.” Todd had furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Neil didn’t usually hesitate, especially when it came to his thoughts. He was confident in a way Todd never would be.
“No, It’s not stupid. I get it.” Neil had laughed, smiling brightly in a way Todd thought to mean that he was glad Todd understood, like he would always understand him no matter what. But that wasn’t it, he’d find a little bit later. Neil was laughing to say no, no you don’t.
He understood now.
He’d never kissed Neil either. That was a line that they couldn’t cross without those damned circumstances again that would’ve made it real. Oh so real. Instead, they let their innocent touches linger. Or accidentally bumped the other’s forehead or hair with their lips. It was a stupid, childish game. Who can come up with the best excuse? Usually it was Neil. Todd wasn’t nearly as secure enough to initiate most of their ‘I’m very sure this isn’t what friends do but who cares’ moments. You would think he’d have gotten sick of it and wanted to know where he stood, but he didn’t.
Again, making it real was the scariest part. At least then. Now losing Neil was the worst part, and he was too late to stop that anyway. There had been nights though, there were always nights.
Like the one where they’d come back from the cave, the 3rd time Todd had actually attempted to read something he wrote. Hidden Love, he’d called it. Nobody understood who it was about, of course they didn’t. Neil did though. Neil always did. (And now that he thought about it, maybe Charlie had too).
“We’ll tell everyone someday.” Neil said it like a secret, but it sounded like a promise. He was laying in his own bed and staring up at the ceiling. Todd wanted to laugh, because forget everyone, they hadn’t really even told each other. But he didn’t.
“Yeah?” His tone was teasing, you could hear the smile in it. It was slightly sad, but hopeful in it’s own little way.
“Yeah. Paint it on the side of the school, scream it until my lungs hurt.” They were both letting out little huffs of laughs now, and Todd turned on his side to face the brown-haired douche that had made his life the most beautiful hell he could’ve asked for.
“Mhm, of course. But why stop there? We’ll have one of those banners on an airplane and fly it across every country in the world so everyone knows it.” They never said what ‘it’ was. Not really. They both went quiet after that, lost in the thought of what their lives could have been. What it will probably never be. Todd had thought of admitting it then.
“Neil?” he had asked, hoping the other boy was still awake.
“Hm?” say it. He screamed at himself but nothing came out.
“Nothing.”
Todd didn’t really know when everything between them crossed a certain boundary. It was a blur, and for a moment he was sure that the boundary had never existed in the first place. Maybe he had known since the moment he’d met Neil.
Hey, I hear we’re gonna be roommates. I’m Neil Perry. Todd could remember vividly the amount of anxiety he had in that moment and the few days after it. It confused him. But Neil Perry was all in all quite a fucking awesome roomate to have. He included Todd in everything, whether he wanted it or not. And that man was never not grinning so bright it hurt to look at. He was like the sun that drew everything to it without even realizing. So warm, and full of life that he made Todd feel better by just existing in the same room as him. But now Neil Perry was cold and dead, locked in a coffin somewhere underground. He would never smile like that again, never glow, never turn 18. Neil didn’t exist anymore.
Todd used to think the worst thing that could’ve happened to their relationship was when they had fought over something so stupid and insignificant that Todd couldn’t even remember what anymore. Neil had shouted, and Todd had screamed back although less effectively considering the aching in his chest was increasing his stammer to almost an understandable point. And Neil had stormed off, slamming the door behind him. He didn’t return to the dorm to sleep either, Knox had instead. Todd assumed they’d switched but he was too busy pretending to be asleep to ask. Before that, he’d sobbed until his eyes were dry, and then some more. Practically shaking.
He had thought This. This is the worst it could get. And oh, what a fucking fool he was. At least then he knew Neil, although angry, was okay. He was out there asleep and well. And he’d see him tomorrow at classes, and hold him after they’d settled down. At least then he was firm and real and alive in his grasp. He wanted to scream at the younger him to shut up and forget the fight, and go find Neil and hug him so tight that he could never slip from between your fingers. Because it didn’t matter, it didn’t fucking matter, Neil was going to leave in 2 weeks. Forever and ever, and you won’t ever get to see him again, so spend every waking moment by his side. You don’t have time. You’ll never have enough time. He’ll leave you. He’ll leave everyone. So soon. Too soon.
And then there was the night of the play. That fucking play. And he’d already not seen much of Neil at all since he was too busy getting ready and preparing for his big night. But Neil had given him a note, and said he’ll know if he has to open it, but until then he made him promise not to.
Todd never opened the note. Even though he got his signal. Technically.
And Neil was amazing on that stage, God he was great. Todd didn’t think he’d ever felt so proud, so happy, so in love in his entire life and he never was going to. He cheered and clapped until his throat hurt and his palms ached, but he didn’t care. Neil deserved it, he deserved it all. Everything. It was insane how much fucking love his body held for that man, all of it threatening to overflow and flood the theater. Neil deserved something real. And dammit, Todd wanted so badly to give it to him. He promised, made himself swear that as soon as Neil got off that stage he would hug him so tight it threatened to break a rib, and scream that Neil Perry you are a monstrosity and I am in love with you. He knew it was impulse driven, but he would he would he would. He swore it.
Except Mr. Perry showed up. And Neil could spare nothing more than one longing stare before he was dragged away. Todd’s heart had been racing in that moment, a familiar sense of dread settling in his stomach. You’ll only make things worse. Mr. Keating had said. So he didn’t race after Neil, though he tried to tell himself he would’ve.
Tomorrow. He thought. Tomorrow I’ll tell him, I will. I’ll set up something small too to make it special and everything will be perfect. He had been so filled with hope in that moment, he pushed the dread and anxiety down. His senses telling him something was going to go wrong were being scolded and pushed aside.
Now, he laughs bitterly thinking about it. There was no tomorrow. Instead, there was ‘ Neil’s dead’ and time stopped.
And Todd’s heart never stopped its relentless attack. It burned holes everywhere in his body, his eyes stinging with tears that forced a permanent track across his face. He didn’t think time would ever start moving again, and he selfishly didn’t want it to. He could live in his memories forever. After all, it’s all he had.