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Yoongi wishes he could say he prepared for this,for when it all came crashing down. But he didn’t. How could he? How could he when it always hurts? How could he tell the difference?
How could he prepare his origami heart, it’s crinkled, and bent, not quite the shape it’s supposed to be. Has his heart ever been the right shape? He’s ruined. Kim Namjoon ruined him and it’s nobody's fault except his own.
—-
Yoongi and Namjoon have always been just that, Yoongi and Namjoon.
But they’ve never been Yoongi and Namjoon . Not the stars in your eyes, the blush in your cheeks, the sweet smell of flowers, comfort, home, in love kind. They’re the dirt stuck under your nails, the nasty brown hue of a fading bruise, walking around in a wet sock kind of annoyance that festers and lays under your skin.
But they are also Yoongi and Namjoon. Despite their rough jagged edges they also love. The soul wrenching painful kind, that sticks to your insides and melts your organs, the kind that’s everlasting, no matter how many fuck ups, how many bad, how many good, they will always love. They love hard, and deep because they are Yoongi and Namjoon.
—
“Why do you always do that?” Minhyuk asks, staring at the way Yoongi waves goodbye to a friend.
“Do what?”
“Infect people.”
Yoongi stares, trying not to let any emotions show on his face. “What do you mean?”
Minhyuk shakes his head. “You’re like poison, you infect people even with just a glance. Poison, you’re poison.”
Yoongi’s origami heart crumples just a little more, gets frayed around the edges but not too much. He’s poison after all, he can’t hurt more than he already does.
—-
If Yoongi is pure poison then why not do what he’s good at? Infecting everything he looks at, touches, talks to. If he’s poison then he licks the insides of Namjoon’s mouth, letting the taste linger as they forget who they are, what this really means.
Min Yoongi is poison but if he’s poison then what is Namjoon? Because it hurts every time they touch, every kiss burns, everything is too much and too little.
Yoongi is poisonous, so he lets himself infect everyone around him, especially Namjoon.
Because how did he get poisonous in the first place?
—
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jimin asks, eyes knowing and sad.
Yoongi mulls the question over in his head, eyes staring blankly ahead. Is he okay? What does okay even mean? Is there any meaning left in the word if it all doesn’t matter anyway? Nothing will ever be okay again.
“I’m me.” He decides to answer with. Jimin stares at him, confused.
“What?”
Yoongi doesn’t answer again, just leans back and closes his eyes. When Jimin shuffles closer and pulls him into his side, Yoongi tries not to think about how he’s infecting Jimin too.
—-
“No Namjoon, it's not supposed to hurt! Love shouldn’t hurt! Why does it always hurt?”
Maybe if he asks he’ll get an answer. Is this pain normal? Should he constantly ache? If this is what being in love is like then he doesn’t want it, doesn’t want to feel anything ever again.
Namjoon’s words come out choked. “I don’t know any different hyung, it hurts for me too.”
And with that they just stare, tears in their eyes, hearts chipping away and in the end they kiss because what else can they do?