Chapter Text
According to theoretical physicist Carlo Rovelli, time was an illusion: And if that were so, was the universe even real? Has anything that happened in his life truly taken place?
Jongin sat, jaw clenched, with interlaced hands, once again lamenting about the surreality of it all. Had life forsaken him? Did his soul not belong? Was the state of his consciousness drifting amidst moral ambiguity?
The philosophical questions dawned one after the other as his thin, brooding brows united, creating formidable frown lines on his forehead. Light beads of sweat slicked down the sides of his face.
It was simply hard to believe.
He glanced at the clock and subtle surprise colored his features, but his expression suddenly changed and grew more concerned.
He should have never stopped his studies. A good student would have continued his daily routine of plowing through texts in pursuit of higher test scores and rankings. A better man would dwell within a separate realm, far removed from the tantalizing and forbidden throes of lust and desire.
Yet here he sat, the most mind boggling discovery bursting through the threshold of his mind and infiltrating deep inside his thoughts, rendering him speechless and nonplussed, however deeply and sinfully curious.
He had hoped everything was an illusion, and maybe if he wished hard enough, it would come true.
Jongin blinked his eyes toward the computer screen and stared at that man, whose entire torso and face were on display, and he only had one single thought:
I’m going to kill Baekhyun!
It all began with a simple conversation. Much like all things that go wrong, he confided in Baekhyun about the stress that had been building up over the past week...
“You’re seriously going to complain? No one is to blame but you for signing up for all those ridiculous classes.” Baekhyun’s stale tone resonated through the receiver.
Jongin’s lips pursed briefly, “They’re necessary. If I want to graduate on time, then I need them.” his pace increased as the coffee in his palm grew cold from his slow consumption. He liked taking sips.
“All I’m saying is, I told you not to push yourself too hard. And look where it got you...stressed and a mess, begging for some relief. Go find you a three dollar ho and smash.”
Jongin hung up the phone.
Two seconds later his phone rang again. He rolled his eyes and answered.
Baekhyun’s laugh chimed in a high squeal, so noisy that Jongin pulled his phone away from his face.
“You’re ridiculous.” Jongin moved through the door of his residence hall and jogged up the steps to the fourth floor. He tossed the empty cup in a trash bin before continuing down the hall.
“Not as ridiculous as you,” his guffaws simmered into light chuckles, “I don’t see why my suggestion was so dramatically declined. You know you haven’t gotten laid in like...ever. So give it a go and come tell your big brother how it all went.”
“I would tell Junmyeon none of that, and it’s not something I would like to do with just anyone. You know that.”
“He isn’t your only big brother!”
Baekhyun’s pouting and whining was even more annoying than his laugh, somehow. Jongin was slowly developing a headache.
“Since when did my parents adopt an unfilial son like you? You never visit. I’ve literally been your friend for 2 years and have only seen you in person once, when we first met.”
“Hop off my case and chill. I would like to come and see you, but... I like it here.” Baekhyun’s voice held a slight grin.
Jongin shook his head.
Baekhyun was an odd entity to the tranquil and well kempt Jongin. His mileage rate in terms of bed partners never slowed, climbing at an almost impossible rate instead. He was ‘young, wild and free,’ in every sense of the phrase, multi-faceted and shameless with not a care in the world.
Something told Jongin that he wasn’t right in the head, especially after Baekhyun enlisted to do his mandatory military service, and after his compulsory time had ended, he actually chose to stay. His prime reasoning being the quoted words: “The more dicks the merrier, and I’m a carnivore who's in need of some…”
Jongin would rather not remember that last word. A word that coincidentally rhymes with defeat—a feeling he felt every day he talked to Baekhyun, straying further and further from God’s light.
In conclusion, Baekhyun could bunk and fuck a plethora of buff and toned men, all the while serving his country. A true peacock guised in patriotic skin. Rather perverse in a society whose homophobic unaminty is still alive and well.
But what more did he expect from the gayest person he’s ever known?
If Jongin merely had a fraction of his courage, he could shamelessly wear his orientation with pride, bearing it on his chest for the entire world to see. However, his parents would never allow it, especially his mother. With implacable hostility, his family scorned homosexuals, constricting his freedom and suffocating his aspirations to be himself.
In many ways, he admired Baekhyun for his unshackled wings that spread wide, glimmering in vibrant shades. His skies were vast and waiting to be explored, teeming with the wonders of life. Contrarily, Jongin felt like a caged bird, isolated and alone, someone who had broken their wings long ago and ultimately had given up hope. As he looked upon Baekhyun’s free spirit, he became envious of the nightingale who never had to conceal himself in constant fear of being ridiculed and ostracized, instead, he soared higher, fearing nothing in his path.
Jongin yearned to be himself, to be accepted, and by being friends with Baekhyun, he had found a piece of that strength to open the wired door to his freedom.
With a non-committal sigh, he replied, “You just stay there then, and find someone to settle down with.”
“Sure thing, grandma.” Baekhyun slurred, “and next you’ll be asking about your grandchildren.”
“Spare me the sarcasm alright. You have to gain some control of your life.”
“I think you have too much. Let loose, be the gay you you were always meant to be.” he snickered and Jongin was moments away from hanging up the phone again. Baekhyun digressed, “Okay Grumpy, forget Snow White and follow me, I’ll show you something nice.”
“Baekhyun…”
“No seriously, since you won’t go out and find a man, how about watching one instead?”
“Are you talking about porn?”
“My God he has logic and a brain, who knew they would work so seamlessly together?”
“I’m hanging up.”
“Don’t!” Baekhyun nearly yelled before adopting a pacifying lilt, “Alright, calm down Nini. Look, in all seriousness, I know a site and I can give you my account. I have to pay a monthly sub and not everyone can get on this site. Just give it a try, you may like what you find.”
Every limb in Jongin’s body groaned. “How can you get aroused by watching someone through a screen even?” He closed the door to his individual dorm room.
“You’d be surprised. I mean, there are so many people willing to do anything, you never know what will turn you on.”
“I’m not interested.” he turned on the PC on his desk and began removing his books from his bag to place them beside his keyboard.
“My God Jongin, you’d make a wet dream go sour. Grow some interest man and give it a shot. If you don’t like what you see, then you can log out and never touch it again. But I have a feeling you’ll like what’s on there.”
Jongin didn’t reply.
“I’ll text you my email and password!”
He hung up without waiting for a response. Those nimble and pretty fingers of Baekhyun’s worked quickly and Jongin’s phone lit up, vibrating in a heartbeat pattern against the desk.
Every notion told him to ignore that text. Yet, curiosity spurred forth leaving his wavering indifference in the dust and he reached over, swiping the screen to unlock.
[Baek:
https://www.crimsoncloset.co
email: [email protected]
password: makemecum28
don’t u say shit bout my password
& look for the name D.O. he’s newer but really, really good! ^^
~ bite me daddy]
Jongin slowly removed the horn rimmed glasses from his face and placed them beside the mouse. His elbow landed on the desk and his forehead fell into his palm. He closed his eyes and with unhurried movements, sighed in exasperation and massaged his forehead. Baekhyun...this signature.
After debating with his moral compass that had begun spinning wildly and out of control, he decided why not give the site a look over. Just a fleeting glance, nothing more.
Not wanting to alert those who stayed in the dorm beside him, he put on his gaming headset. He typed in the site address, and an entire new world displayed on the screen making his eyes grow wide before he regained composure.
The website design was vibrant, a spectrum of energetic colors that were bright but not tacky or overly flashy. The slides at the top showed numerous images, some raunchy and others more subtle. However, all of these photos were of good looking guys. If one were to walk past them on the street, they would definitely look back twice, perhaps even a third time. This made sense, Baekhyun was gay and Jongin was too, after all. Though no one knew aside from Baekhyun.
How he found out, Jongin didn’t want to remember.
Not too far below the banner, on the right side of the webpage, there was a basic sign-in. Jongin made eager strokes on the keyboard and pressed enter. A flash flew across the screen and the interface showed numerous thumbnails for live streams that were happening in real time.
The design was similar to the main page of Twitch, with live videos and view counters situated below the thumbnails. Oddly enough, he wasn’t repulsed by the idea of watching someone Live. It wasn’t something he’d ever done before, but Jongin wasn’t against trying new things.
He clicked the drop down menu to rearrange the settings of the web page to list the person who had the most views at the top in descending order. To his surprise, the top streamer currently had 30,000 people watching, which was a feat in Jongin’s eyes. Especially considering this line of work and the restricted membership of this site.
Curiosity surely did kill the cat, and Jongin tapped on that thumbnail. When he entered, he had to rethink his world view as what he saw left him temporarily stunned.
A European male with beautiful features sat in a chair while his body was covered in ropes. His hands were tied behind his back, his chest bare underneath those complicated red lines. He wasn’t alone as there was a tall, lean built man circling around him carrying a red leather whip while adorning a black masquerade mask with silver lace.
Wild—too wild. Jongin instantly closed that window. He wasn’t brimming with the various flavors of sexual kinks, and could only identify as vanilla. Not chocolate, strawberry, or butter pecan. Simply plain vanilla. His entire body shuddered while thinking about the ropes chafing against his skin.
He continued to look down the list and stumbled upon a peculiar thumbnail. Before reading the name, the image of an unclad torso caught his attention—it seemed...familiar.
Jongin squinted and leaned toward the screen to view it better. On second thought, he grasped his glasses, swooping them onto his face for clearer vision.
What was this sense of familiarity?
His finger tapped the left click and he entered the stream.
Deep and sensuous, a mesmerizing voice wandered through his headset and Jongin’s entire frame quivered. Dazed eyes stared at the man’s chest, the only part of his body that was visible at the moment. The man appeared to be slouched in a chair, his posture languid as he spoke to the audience.
“...I would never say no to him.” he paused, “Would I say no to you? I’ll give you anything you want. Just open your mouth and say it. I’m here to please.”
His words thrummed along a slow and dangerous rhythm, reverberating in a nice husky timbre that was pleasant to the ear, intimate.
“How would I please you?” his fingers tapped against the armrest for a moment, “With my mouth, of course. I’d lick you everywhere, I know you’d like that.” he pushed the tips of his fingers together making an A shape, “My hands too, so that I can feel all over your body,”
“You’d rather be licked?” he chuckled, “Sucked? Kiss? Ah...I can do everything, anything? How naughty of you.”
Every word came as lazy as his posture but packed with a sultry momentum that could easily ensnare anyone. Jongin’s thoughts temporarily veered, and he reckoned this guy would make absolutely phenomenal ASMR videos.
But why did he feel like he had heard this voice before...
Coming back down to Earth, this type of video was more of his speed, seemingly not exciting but there was something inviting and tempting about it even though the man simply spoke. He was very vivid with his words and engaging with the audience who typed in the chat window. Something that Jongin now happened to notice and saw how quickly it moved.
He looked under the video and saw the number of people watching was close to 20,000. His eyes momentarily widened before his attention was pulled back due to the man’s warm and low laugh; so sonorous, so close, and very very arousing. It gave the illusion that he sat right beside Jongin, speaking directly into his ear.
“You want to see more?” the man took a slow breath, “Hmm, should I?” he teased gently.
Jongin watched as the chat erupted, his mind reeling with the number of replies from something so simple. It was hard to catch a glimpse of any words, let alone sentences.
The man casually moved closer to the camera before he airily chortled, “Quite spirited I see, but you know I can’t give you what you want today.” he continued to read the rapid comments.
“My face? But you’ve seen it so many times, I don’t feel like showing it right now.”
Jongin wondered why he didn’t show his face, and considered that he could be insecure and not attractive. That notion instantly vanished since the man was courageous enough to be on this site and he was definitely confident in his abs. They were chiseled to near perfection, with lean muscles that were lightly defined just enough to notice. Very nice, Jongin noted, subconsciously licking his lips.
However, something about them still seemed familiar. Especially now that Jongin noticed those two beauty marks aligned below the man’s collarbone. They were similar to two horizontal points on a plane, merely centimeters apart, but beautifully placed to give his pale, tattoless skin a dyad of charm.
“Because I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay, but don’t talk about me, I’ve been stressed all week and haven’t gotten a lot of sleep.”
Jongin remained motionless, anticipation swiveling in his gut. This familiar sentiment wouldn’t stop badgering his mind, and it nurtured a sense of peculiarity inside his chest. There was a faint feeling of foreboding, that perhaps he didn’t need to know who possessed such allure. Yet contrary to his wary musings, his heart yearned to know just that.
Juggling between the two extremes almost gave him an aneurysm, making his temples throb. He was afraid to know, but simultaneously driven crazy by the idea of not knowing.
He prepared himself for the reveal, and withstood the chaotic palpitations of his heart, and the sweat rolling from his brow. Those clammy hands subconsciously reached for the keyboard and mouse.
The camera first swung down toward a small desk before the man maneuvered the tripod, straightening out the lens showcasing his lubricious skin glowing from the artificial light. He ran a hand through his tousled, ebony hair, a gentle smile forming on plush lips.
Jongin’s entire mind blanked, eyes becoming planets as he gaped with his jaw nearly hitting the ground. His body began to shake and he closed the window, only to quickly open it again, just to be certain.
Those doe like eyes, that rounded and perky nose, those full lush lips, and that erotic voice belonged to his best friend Kyungsoo?!
Jongin slumped back in his chair, and stared with wide eyes and a mouth to match, his mind completely stumped. There were no words to describe the utter shock that coursed through his limbs, rendering him mute. He didn’t even have the reaction to scream, he was completely blank.
“Are you guys happy now?” his eyes drifted to the corner of the screen as he squinted to read the messages. Melodious and free, his laugh was like a dream. Then, a warm smile lingered on his lips, “I’m glad.”
“This is it for today, Thank you for watching. Tune in with Premium on Thursday to see more.” he winked before reaching up and turning off the stream.
The screen faded to black and so did Jongin’s consciousness.
And that was how Jongin ended up jaw clenched with interlaced hands lamenting about the surreality of it all—for a solid and undisturbed 20 minutes straight. After removing his headset, he pulled up the video and froze the frame with Kyungsoo’s face, mourning the death of his ignorance.
The account name D.O. jumped from the screen and nearly strangled him, stopping his breath for a moment. He vowed to himself that he would never tell Baekhyun that he actually knew this person, never. This information will go to his grave, 6 ft. under and decompose along with his bones.
Through the passage of time, he eventually managed his emotions and was able to calm down his heart. Only to have his heart skyrocket into his throat and almost out into a blood curdling scream when the rappings against his dorm door exploded like the bombers of World War II.
His body launched from the chair, flailing gracelessly onto the ground, taking a colossal pile of books with him. Glasses askew, he looked at the door wondering who it might be during this time. With the fresh discovery short circuiting, sparking and burning out his brain cells, Jongin’s actions were briefly delayed.
With calculated movements, he stood up and straightened out his books and himself, and made sure to shut down his computer before walking to the door. Without much thought, he swung it open, then slammed it closed in the next second.
“Um...Jongin?” Kyungsoo’s brow arched over in query, “What the hell?” He found it somewhat funny and smiled.
Jongin’s breathing was reminiscent of a veteran track runner whose specialty was sprinting before the despondent days of alcoholism and chain smoking corrupted his ways. But not only that, his asthma was acting up along with his sinuses, making him a complete wreck. He couldn’t grasp his breath and settle down even if he wanted to. With his eyes closed, he counted down from 10, forcing himself to act normal in the face of his best friend.
His childhood friend.
Kyungsoo’s banging snapped him from his stupor and Jongin’s eyes twitched before opening the door again, feigning as though he hadn’t shut it in his face. Kyungsoo gave him a sideways glance but didn’t harp on the topic and Jongin couldn’t think straight enough to make an excuse, so he didn’t mind.
“Did you do your homework? I just didn’t feel like doing mine.” Kyungsoo said as he casually slipped by the paralyzed male who gripped the door frame like his life depended on it.
Stiffly, Jongin’s neck turned, “Not yet.” he murmured.
Even more amused, Kyungsoo’s lip curled up in a grin, “What’s this? The top student skipping out on homework? What were you up to?” he teasingly surveyed Jongin up and down, and the hairs on the back of his neck began to rise.
Childhood friend.
Childhood friend.
Childhood friend.
He reiterated that fact and tried to remove the memory of Kyungsoo on the PC screen bare chested while being sexy and tempting. Yet, every time he looked at that face, the images came back to haunt him.
“Jongin, are you okay?” Kyungsoo’s amusement morphed into mild concern during Jongin’s bout of panic.
Jongin didn’t realize how much he had been sweating until the question. “It’s nothing, just…” What lie was he going to tell? Jongin wasn’t good at lying because he never had to. He was upright and sanctified much like his parents who were both religious people, hence coming up with a lie on the spot was a tall task for him.
So when the words ‘I forgot’ came tumbling through his lips, he wasn’t all that surprised to see the doubtful expression on Kyungsoo’s face. Damn, what a shitty excuse.
“You ...forgot?” Kyungsoo stepped close and brought a palm gently to his forehead. Jongin immediately stumbled back, but Kyungsoo would not be deterred. He reached further, touching the warm skin that had a thin layer of sweat on it. “Do you have a fever? Are you not feeling well? You want me to get you some medicine or something to eat?”
The fountain of caring questions that poured from his lips should have been lovely to hear. Concern from a dear friend? Who wouldn’t love to have that. However, Jongin merely heard, ‘ Just open your mouth and say it. I’m here to please.’ and it broke his brain, leaving him muddled and momentarily speechless.
He somehow managed to mumble, “I’m fine, really.”
He was not fine. Really.
Jongin expressed that aloud to reassure himself though it didn’t help at all. Fortunately, Kyungsoo didn’t push the matter and relented, “Okay, but if you don’t feel well, just let me know.”
“Mhm.” Jongin nodded. “I’m going to study now.” He bowed his head and made a beeline for his desk. He looked over his shoulder with a question, “I’ll see you in class tomorrow?” These words were a clear indicator that he didn’t want Kyungsoo here at the moment.
The confusion on Kyungsoo’s face was quite apparent, but Jongin didn’t have the heart to address it, and he lowered his gaze, unable to look him in the eyes.
“Oh...okay.” There was a hint of disappointment in his voice. Kyungsoo shook his head before adorning a lighter tone, “I’m glad nothing’s wrong. Make sure you take your vitamins okay, Nini.”
“Yeah,” Jongin nodded.
Kyungsoo walked to the door and turned the knob, but before leaving, he threw a look over his shoulder, “See you tomorrow.” He left the room and the crisp click of the door closing brought instant relief to Jongin’s tense body.
The storm he weathered was quite immense in a sense that he found out another side of his friend he had no idea existed. The brittle, unfaltering glass that held him within his ignorance shattered, and he could not run nor turn a blind eye.
What would this mean for their relationship?
Would he treat Kyungsoo the same?
Their friendship spanned the years of adolescence into adulthood, and yet there was so much Jongin did not know. So many questions sat on the tip of his tongue begging to be asked. Yet, what stopped him from doing so was fear of jeopardizing what he held dear—their friendship.
If Kyungsoo didn’t tell him, there was a reason, he was certain. However, while aware of that, it didn’t make him feel any better. He felt left out, excluded, perhaps he wasn’t trustworthy enough?
These pessimistic thoughts continued to spiral downward into a dark pit that had no end, so Jongin focused on ridding them with much effort and instead got prepared for class tomorrow.
After studying for a couple of hours and finishing his homework, the moon was well into the sky, and it was time for bed. His entire schedule had been thrown into disarray from earlier, but he still completed his nightly routine in a timely manner before laying in his bed.
As Jongin laid on his back with his hands nestled behind his head, he stared at the ceiling and couldn’t help thinking that something was still odd about this situation; something that he couldn't quite put his finger on.
Today he talked to Baekhyun, and was recommended a site that he decided to check out. And on that site, he discovered his best friend did live streams. Which was shocking, but now he had come to accept that these things can happen in real life, not just in fanfiction.
Yet, those things weren’t dancing on the tip of his tongue. What was bothering him about this whole ordeal? He kept whirling around his thoughts, trying to figure it out: Baekhyun, the website with his account, colorful layout, lots of guys in videos, fans in chat, sexual content...
Jongin sat up quickly on his bed, the most important thing he’d foolishly missed finally clicking.
It hit him like a derailing freight train.
Kyungsoo was gay?!!