Work Text:
Janus sighed, staring down at the rope coiled in his hands. It's weight was like lead, ready to pull him down into the unknown. And right now? That didn't sound all that bad.
He knew full well that he was being selfish. He didn't deserve rest from it all. Selfishness had never been something he avoided, however, and right now was no exception.
Perhaps he would have done better for himself if he had.
He'd alienated himself from all of the others. Patton tried to be nice, but in that superficial kind of way he often slipped into. Logan, Roman, and Virgil couldn't care less about him and Janus was fully aware of that.
And Remus?
He didn't want to face the other after his room moved to the light side.
He didn't want to see the other's disappointment.
He had no one to go to.
So what? Janus had never been particularly social or open with the others, he had never bothered to share his thoughts with anyone. There was no reason this should of clawed at his heart the way that it did, ripped his soul out from him and left him vulnerable and alone.
Was this really what he had come to? Was this really what he wanted?
There was no use thinking it over again. His grip tightened on the rope, the fibers of it scratching against his skin and scales. Down, up, down, wrap, secure. Repeating those words in his mind like a mantra, he shoved the rope in a messenger bag and slung it over his shoulders. Slipping out of his room, he walked down the hallway towards the Imagination.
He never spent a whole lot of time there, so he figured it would take a while for anyone to go looking for him there. Enough for it to be too late.
This was absolutely pathetic. What kind of worthless shit would do this? Over so little? All of his problems were by his own fault, and easily fixed at that. He didn't even know what would happen if he died. What if it was similar to dropping out?
It's not like he had anything to offer that the others didn't do already. Logan and Patton alone could pretty easily do what he did, without a lot of effort on their part.
He stepped through the door, his shoes landing on plush grass. He stared at his feet. Right, left, right left. Down, up, down, wrap, secure. Despite what he planned on doing, his thoughts were strangely calm, if unfocused. His mind drifted to different things. The scenery, the rope, what would happen afterwards.
It was such a wonderful day. The sun felt like a heaven-sent on his scales, permeated his skin and warmed up his dark clothes. A soft breeze blew in the air, bringing cooler air into the mix. What a shame. Perhaps if things went differently, he could have spent this day in a picnic.
"What do you think the light side is like?" Virgil asked, fidgeting with a feather he'd found on the ground.
"Boring as fuck. If they don't want us around, they probably have awful taste," Remus replied, clearly not thinking much of the question. The three dark sides had set up a blanket and some snacks at the edge of a pond, which Remus picked out as one of the safer spots in his end of the Imagination.
"I think..." Virgil paused. "I think it's warm there." Janus glanced over to the other, frowning when he saw how distant his expression was. What was going through that boy's head?
"Yeah, cause they're all pussies who think that wearing layers means you're evil or some shit. Have you guys noticed that? I mean, Morality has his cardigan I guess, but he doesn't actually wear it."
"You don't wear layers," Virgil pointed out.
"I have poofy sleeves! That counts!"
"Eh, no."
Janus suddenly felt a chill run down his spine as the two started to bicker, his vision unfocusing. He could leave right now, and they might not even realise. They seemed to be doing just fine on their own.
Huh? Where did that come from?
Just because they aren't talking to him doesn't mean they wouldn't care if he left. Of course they'd notice. Right?
Janus frowned, as his mind returned to reality. It was all obvious even then. Virgil always had his sights on leaving. And from there? Janus certainly made no effort to bridge the aching gap between him and Remus afterwards. Remus might have brought Virgil up once or twice in passing, but the scowl and sour mood that always came upon Janus whenever his name was mentioned was enough to get the creative side to drop it.
He'd never been great with emotions, admittedly. He was great at talking about the importance of self care and working through tough times with a good support network when it came to other people, but in practice it all just felt awkward and vulnerable. So he avoided it.
He figured he was smart enough to handle things on his own. Perhaps he was a little too egotistical in that regard. Believing for some reason, he was different and better, and that he could be good and keep it all to himself.
Janus glanced up, and found that he was exactly where he wanted to be. At the edge of the ravine, between Remus' side of the imagination and Roman's. From here, he could get a perfect view of this beautiful day before it all went away. Would it, though? What if he just woke up again?
Well, he could always worry about that later.
He walked up to a tree, with a branch arching over the ravine. Perfect. The weight of the bag just felt a little bit heavier as he made his way up the tree. Down, up, down, wrap, secure.
Janus took the rope and tied it to the branch, watching with an empty expression as the coils tumbled down to the ground. He was so close.
He was careful as he climbed back down, enjoying the sound of his boots hitting the rocky ground beneath him as he hopped off the last branch. Down, up, down, wrap, secure.
He slowly walked over to the rope, holding it in his hands so that it didn't touch the ground. This was it. Honestly, for the gravity of the situation, it was kind of underwhelming.
Janus slowly tied the knot, trying not to think too hard about what he was doing. And then it was there, and he saw the noose hanging in front of him, and it all hit him like a bag of bricks.
All of those nights alone, the scars on his arms, pushing the others away whenever they tried to point it out. Pushing back tears whenever Virgil insinuated that he was evil and couldn't be trusted.
What happened? Why did Virgil hate him so much?
Why did he hate himself so much?
Scribbling desperately in his journal, trying to make sense of the thoughts plaguing his mind. Lashing out at Remus when the other tried to open up.
How did he manage to always screw it all up?
Janus shut his eyes, biting back his sobs. Not now. He'd fix it all now.
And then- the quiet nights in the commons, where he and Remus could talk to the others and they could all pretend that the mindscape wasn't separated. Trying to learn how to cook with Virgil. Listening to his music on the jukebox.
Was this worth it? Maybe it all wasn't so bad.
No. No no no. He couldn't change his mind now. He'd been a coward for so long, and for the first time in his life he was actually going to do what he set out to do. He was going to help them.
Janus took off his hat, and then his gloves.
He shook out his hair as he set the gloves in the had and put it all aside.
He took the knot in his hands, one with fingers of skin, and the other scaled over and clawed.
"Oh my- oh my god," Janus whispered, staring at his reflection with horror. What had just started as heterochromatic eyes turned into scales, which had now completely covered the left side of his face. His mouth looked like it extended all the way to his ear. What if one day he woke up and that part of his face split open?
The creative side put a hand on his hip. "They're not that bad,"
"I look like a monster."
"Do you think it would be possible to like, pull the scales out?" Remus blurted.
"That... that might not be too bad of an idea," Janus murmured, his hand reaching up to trail down the snake half of his face.
"Holy shit, Janny, don't actually! That would fuck things up even more."
Janus rolled his eyes. "'Even more?' Thanks."
"That's not what I meant."
Janus held the noose in front of his face, and slipped it over his head. The hair on the back of his neck raised up.
All he had to do was step forward.
That's all he had to do.
"I joined the light sides in one of their videos today," Virgil mumbled, so quiet that Janus might not have heard it if it weren't for the fact that he and Remus had already been trying to figure out why he was acting so weird all evening.
"What?" Janus spoke softly, just enough anger in his voice for the anxious side's shoulders to shoot up.
"Really? What was it like?" Remus asked at the same time, leaning forward with a bright grin. "How'd they react?" Virgil shrugged.
"What can I say? They're still assholes. Thomas tried to get Princy to 'banish' me the moment I showed up."
Janus squinted at Virgil. "Are you going to go there again?" The anxious side paused, twirling his sweater string in his finger.
"...Yeah."
Reminiscing wasn't going to change anything. None of it was worth it.
Was it, though?
He couldn't tell anymore.
Not that knowing the answer would matter anyway.
"Remus?"
"What's up, Dee?" Remus turned from the pot of spaghetti over to where Janus was sitting.
"Thomas double booked himself. He has a wedding and callback on the same day. And, knowing the light sides, they're going to just pick the wedding without even thinking about it."
"So you want to go over there? Again?" Janus knew what Remus meant without even needing to ask.
"I'll be back, Remus. I'll always come back."
"Do you promise?"
"Of course."
He'd already burnt every bridge he had now. There was no use wasting time worrying.
But what if he regretted it? There was only one way to find out.
Was it all really just for nothing? All of his pain- just to end like this? His only other option was to keep hurting.
There had to be something, some kind of meaning he could cling onto. Hope. He desperately wanted hope. But the only things that made him happy were all in the past.
It was no use.
Janus took a deep breath- perhaps his last breath- and stepped forward to meet his future.