Chapter Text
“Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
Although we knew
This time would come for me and you”
– Skillet; Say Goodbye
2016
“What do you think?”
“I– Wow.”
Jimin lets out a chuckle at the response, even though he expected his boyfriend to react exactly the way he did. It doesn’t make Jimin blush any less. It might be weird to step out of their shared bedroom while Jeongguk is sitting on the couch, scanning Jimin from head to toe while he’s wearing his new uniform for work and earning an excited gasp as if he just stepped out wearing nothing but a silk bathrobe. But Jeongguk always made sure to remind Jimin that he fell in love with him while he walked past Jimin in the hallway at work for the first time, and Jimin was wearing his first uniform that was way too big on him back then.
“Does it look okay?” Jimin asks again, looking down on himself while fixing the belt around his hips. He’s wearing a black shirt underneath a black protector, which is covering his chest and shoulders, secured around his ribs. The black cargo pants fit tightly around his legs, a holster with a gun strapped around his right thigh. The black armoured boots he’s wearing reach until the half of his shin, equipped with a small holster for a knife as well.
Jeongguk gets up from the couch and makes a few steps towards Jimin until he’s standing right in front of him, putting his hands on Jimin’s waist, pulling him closer.
“Might look a bit too hot for an agent. Are you sure your mission is to kill people, not to lure them in?” Jeongguk snickers, and Jimin watches Jeongguk’s eyes constantly tracing the lines of Jimin’s new armour. Jimin doesn’t even flinch when Jeongguk’s hand reaches up to his chest, fingertip tracing over the S.H.I.E.L.D. emblem that’s sewn on the left side right on his chest.
“You really need to focus on the work-factor of this uniform, not on stripping me out of it,” Jimin remarks, playfully slapping Jeongguk’s chest. “It has really cool new features, for example–”
“I don’t see the problem in doing both.” There’s a huge smile plastered all over Jeongguk’s face, and Jimin allows Jeongguk to interrupt his upcoming protest with a loving kiss. Gently, Jeongguk nips on Jimin’s bottom lip, and Jimin swears he could die at this moment. If he was ever able to stop time, it would probably be a second in which Jeongguk kisses him. With all the time in the world, Jimin leans in closer and presses his body against Jeongguk’s, seeking more closeness. Jeongguk is willing to give it to him.
“Could fuck you in this. You’ll never be able to think about anything else when wearing this. When going to work,” Jeongguk whispers against Jimin’s lips while he slowly pushes Jimin backwards, until his back is pressed against the door of their bedroom.
“As if I could ever think about anything else but you fucking me, baby,” Jimin breathes out, and this time, he’s the one to bite down on Jeongguk’s lip, earning a low growl from his boyfriend before he licks into his mouth. Jeongguk eagerly presses Jimin firmer against the door behind him before he slips his hands underneath Jimin’s thighs, lifting him up. Jimin immediately wraps his legs around Jeongguk’s waist, kissing him fiercely. That Jimin is wearing not only a new uniform, but also a hand gun strapped around his right thigh, and heavy armoured boots, doesn’t seem to bother any of them.
“Can’t wait to see you on our mission tomorrow, wearing that,” Jeongguk says with a low grunt, and Jimin feels his fingers slip underneath the strap around Jimin’s thigh. Jimin eagerly wraps his arms around Jeongguk as well, carding his fingers through his dark, wavy hair. Jimin loves that Jeongguk let it grow a bit longer. Makes it even hotter for Jimin to grab it.
"You’re such a sucker for uniforms, it’s embarrassing,” Jimin chuckles in between kisses, breaking the tension between them a bit. Neither of them cares. Things between them have always been easy, they always went with the flow and with what feels right. That doesn’t only apply to their daily life or work, but also to sex. So going from riling each other up and making the other beg for more, to giggling and tickling each other isn’t anything new for them.
“I’m a sucker for you. For two long years already, and hopefully many more. Embarrassing, I know.” Jeongguk’s voice is gentle and honest, a hint of sarcasm in it, and Jimin leans his head a bit more backwards so he can look at Jeongguk. Or more, to admire him. Their eyes meet in a longing gaze, and Jimin can’t suppress the huge smile that spreads all over his face. He never can stop the smile from creeping up on his lips whenever he looks at Jeongguk, or when he simply watches him do anything. For example, Jimin loves sitting on the couch, watching Jeongguk while he’s cooking dinner. He also loves watching Jeongguk do paperwork at the facility. What Jimin loves the most is catching Jeongguk when he’s already looking at Jimin. It spreads the most beautiful feeling all over Jimin’s body.
He’s never felt so loved in his whole life. Jimin never believed in love at first sight, or in love at all. But with Jeongguk, things were different. With Jeongguk, it took nothing but a shy smile and a stuttered invitation to a dinner for Jimin to give in, and to fall in love without any doubt.
“So embarrassing. A real shame.” Jimin plays along, making Jeongguk smile with him. “Two years, huh? Time flies.”
“Yeah, two years since I started at S.H.I.E.L.D., had my future planned out and everything, and I made it exactly two days at the facility until I saw you and decided that I’d risk everything for you in a heartbeat instead,” Jeongguk admits, and even though Jimin heard that so many times before, it still makes his heart flutter.
Two years since Jimin walked out of the office of his supervisor, complaining about his new uniform, which was way too big on him. Two years since he walked through the hallway, just like Jeongguk did. Two years since their eyes met for the first time, their lips met for the first kiss. And even now Jimin can’t find the words for how much he adores and loves Jeongguk, how much happiness he brought into Jimin’s life. Jimin might not be the best with words (Jeongguk has always been the better talker and more romantically minded) but he would give his life for Jeongguk in a heartbeat. And for two people who work at S.H.I.E.L.D. and go on missions that could cost their lives at any second, this is actually a real promise. To die for each other, if necessary.
“I can’t believe I’ve been dealing with your annoying ass for that long already,” Jimin grins, and he leans forward again, connecting his and Jeongguk’s foreheads. “But even when you’re a brat, you’ll always be my baby. My Kkyu.” For a few silent seconds, they close their eyes, enjoying each other’s closeness and warmth. It’s something they don’t get to enjoy often, so they savor every second of it. They both know how dangerous their job is, and that every mission could be their last, so they make sure to take their time and relish the good times they have just for themselves.
Jeongguk breaks the silence first. “I only heard the word ‘ass,’ and I think that’s a pretty nice transition to get back to what we actually started.”
“Okay, wow. You definitely ruined the moment,” Jimin laughs out loud, but he still accepts Jeongguk’s lips as Jeongguk presses them firmly against Jimin’s. Jimin immediately drowns in the feeling of Jeongguk kissing him, and he didn’t even realize that Jeongguk opened the door and walked them to their bed already, until he dropped Jimin onto the soft mattress.
It’s the last day of their long weekend, and it’s really rare for them to have so many days off. They made sure to do many things which many people would call normal, but are special to them. Like getting ice cream around the corner, walking through the streets at night while holding each other’s hands, or simply taking the time to cuddle on the couch and share innocent kisses. Jimin only meant to show Jeongguk his new armour for their upcoming mission tomorrow, but never thought he’d end up on all fours, his cargo pants only stripped over the round of his ass, and Jeongguk kneeling behind him, eating Jimin out within an inch of his life.
Not that he’d complain, though.
They roll around in the sheets for hours, earning deep moans from each other with every touch and every kiss. They caress every single part of each other’s skin they can reach, undress each other to be as close as possible, and their lips never leave each other. In here, in their bedroom, when they are together, Jimin feels like nothing can ever break them apart. Nothing could ever make him love Jeongguk any less. If anything, Jimin’s love for Jeongguk grows with every second of the day.
Between sinful moans, scratch marks on their backs, and bruises on their collarbones, they both reach their highs not once, but twice this night, while the stars are softly shining on the dark sky. When Jimin falls asleep, the usual fear of their upcoming job is crawling up his skin, but when he’s held by Jeongguk’s strong arms, he’s never felt so safe and at home in his whole life. Jeongguk has always been a great fighter, and he’s mostly too cocky about his abilities for his own good, but he’s always able to make Jimin feel less nervous on each mission they have together.
If Jimin knew it would be their last night together, he would’ve made sure to hold Jeongguk even tighter and ask him to stay at home for once.
2021
“Agent Park? Agent Park!”
The voice of Choi Yeonjun echoes through the whole hallway, startling Jimin. Jimin was just on his way to get his first coffee, or else he knows he wouldn’t make it through this Tuesday at all. His trainee, Yeonjun, yelling after him so early in the morning means either he fucked something up and Jimin has to make things right again, or he has made another “insane observation” of a random person doing an “illegal act.” It wouldn’t be the first time that Yeonjun accused his neighbours or even the nice man that works at the bakery around the corner of “weirdly suspicious behavior.” Sometimes he’s really like a drug-sniffing dog who is on narcotics himself. Jimin can only shake his head.
“Listen,” Jimin says with a raised eyebrow the second he turns around, and Yeonjun nearly crashes into him. They are now standing chest-to-chest, and since Yeonjun is 6’0 tall, Jimin has to look up to him. It doesn’t make Jimin any less intimidating, and the way Yeonjun’s eyes turn into huge puppy eyes is the best proof. “I’ll give you five seconds to explain what’s going on, and if it includes either the words ‘insane’ or ‘weirdly suspicious,’ I will personally sign your discharge papers. Got me?”
“N-No, I- Agent Min told me to find you and bring you to his office.” Now Jimin tilts his head to the side, curiously. It’s not like Min Yoongi couldn’t simply shoot Jimin a message, so why does he have to make it so formal? With nothing but a nod, Jimin turns on his heel and makes his way all the way back through the hallway where Yoongi’s office is located.
Many people pass by Jimin, kindly greeting him, and he returns the gesture to all of them. After working for S.H.I.E.L.D. for nearly ten years, Jimin can’t deny that he has grown fond of most of his colleagues, and it would be a lie to say that he didn’t enjoy coming to work most days. The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division is an American extra-governmental military counter-terrorism and intelligence agency, tasked with maintaining both national and global security. It was formed in the 1950s as a successor to the Strategic Scientific Reserve, an Allied deep science agency which fought against the Nazi-sponsored special weapons division HYDRA during the war. Jimin doesn’t know much about the early years, nor does he care, but the names of the founders, Howard Stark, Chester Phillips, and Margaret Peggy Carter are all over their facility, reminding everyone who works here about what they’ve done, and to inspire everyone today to do their best and that their actions change the world.
In his first years at S.H.I.E.L.D., Jimin always used to make fun of the overdramatic heroization of people that are long dead, and Jeongguk chimed in, mocking their funny hair styles and weird taste in clothing. It’s a fond memory that Jimin hardly can let go, even though there isn’t someone by his side anymore who jokes about the pictures up on the wall. He tries to push the memory to the side while making his way to Yoongi’s office, waltzing into the room without even thinking about knocking at the door.
“Good morning to you, too,” Yoongi jokes when Jimin only slumps down in the chair on the other side of Yoongi‘s desk, and Yoongi doesn’t even look up from the papers that are currently spread all over his desk. His black glasses are sitting low on the bride of his nose, the sleeves of his white button up shirt are rolled up, and it’s exactly the way Jimin got to know Yoongi all those years ago. Sometimes Yoongi is a reminder that not everything has changed around Jimin.
“What’s so important that you had to send my trainee after me, yelling as if something horrible had happened?” Jimin asks, throwing one leg over the other. He makes sure to even out the fabric of his own light blue button up shirt so it doesn’t crinkle, and then he crosses his arms, looking straight at Yoongi. Jimin watches Yoongi put down the pen in his right hand and fold his arms before he leans them on the desk and directly stares at Jimin.
“It’s been five years, Jimin.”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare.” Jimin immediately narrows his eyes, shooting Yoongi a dark glare. They’ve known each other for as long as Jimin has worked at S.H.I.E.L.D., since Yoongi had been the one to supervise Jimin when he started at the facility. Jimin was only 18 back then, but full of hopes and dreams, and Yoongi admired that. He saw something in Jimin, and he trained him in all possible ways to make him an agent. In the past ten years, they went from colleagues to friends, and Jimin can’t even imagine a life without Yoongi at this point. There is probably not a thing they don’t know about each other, and therefore, Yoongi also knows where Jimin’s boundaries lie. Overstepping one so shamelessly at not even 8 am is enough to make Jimin snap.
“It’s not about him. I want you to join a mission again.” Yoongi’s words are crystal clear and still cautions, knowing exactly what he’s asking from Jimin at this moment. “We have confidential information about a secret program started by HYDRA. They picked up the Winter Soldier Program again, and I need you for this, Jimin. You’re one of our best agents, and I can’t watch you lock yourself into your office every day, doing nothing but paperwork. That’s not what you’re here for. That’s not what he’d want you to do.”
Jimin feels himself clenching his jaw, his fingertips dragging into the fabric of his shirt, trying to hold himself together and not bark at Yoongi right now. “I’m here to do my job, and my job is paperwork. You assigned me to it.”
“Yeah, to do you a favor. But it was supposed to be a makeshift solution, until you’re back on track. It was never meant for forever. And after five years you have to admit that it’s been long enough,” Yoongi continues, and Jimin has to close his eyes for a second, swallowing the slump in this throat. “You’re doing paperwork like a trainee, when you’re supposed to be so much more.”
“I’m fine with what I’m doing. Maybe I’m not made to be an agent at all. Not by myself.” Jimin tries his best to get the words out strong, to not shake, to not show any sign of weakness or discomfort. Yoongi knows him well enough to look right past it, to read Jimin like an open book, but he still gives it a try. Of course, it only makes Yoongi smile at him sadly.
“Grief is a natural human feeling. You’re allowed to be sad, to cry, whatever you need. But as harsh as it might sound, life goes on, Jimin. You can’t trap yourself in the past forever and lose yourself in the process. You always loved your job, and maybe you also enjoy what you’re doing right now, but that’s not who you are. You’re an agent, you’re supposed to be out there kicking ass, not hiding behind paperwork while staring at his picture on your desk as if it would make him come back.” Yoongi’s words hit Jimin right into the chest, making his heart hurt like it hasn’t been in a while. Jimin always managed to bury the feeling deep down, allowing it to come to the surface only when he’s alone at home, where nobody can hear him cry. But now Yoongi has stabbed him right into his weakest point, and Jimin has to gasp for air.
“I can’t do this. Don’t make me do this,” Jimin nearly begs, not able to look Yoongi in the eyes anymore. Jimin has never loved anything as much as he loves working for S.H.I.E.L.D., as the feeling of justice and doing what’s right, protecting people and their lives. But after not being able to protect the one he loves the most, Jimin lost his way. He lost his purpose, and there was nothing left for him. He failed at his own job, and it only made him feel like he shouldn’t be out there at all, that he’s not worth going on any mission when he will never be able to be a good partner for anyone. After what happened, probably nobody even wants him as a partner.
“I’m not forcing you into anything. If you’re really satisfied with doing what you’re doing right now, then fine. Then I will accept it. But I know that it’s in there, deep inside of you. I know that you know it, too.” Yoongi says after a while of silence. In the corner of his eye, Jimin sees Yoongi shoving a brown folder over the desk towards him. “Think about it. I could really need you there.”
“Will you be there as well?” Jimin asks, knowing that he probably won’t like the answer. Everyone has always been nice to Jimin, even after what happened. Yoongi told him many times that nobody ever put the blame on him, and yet there are days on which Jimin feels like everyone hates him deep down.
“I’d be your partner. I can’t think of someone I’d rather have by my side while blowing some brains out,” Yoongi snickers, and Jimin has to snort, rolling his eyes in the process. Sometimes, Yoongi makes it sound like they work for the mafia and waltz around, killing people just for the sake of it, when their actual job is to protect people and only use their guns if there’s no other option. Yoongi had always been like that, and sometimes Jimin wonders if that’s his way to deal with all the loss and pain he had to go through.
Jimin’s eyes flicker up to Yoongi’s again, and they stare at each other, before Jimin breaks the contact again and reaches forward to the folder. Project 10317. Jimin doesn’t even open it, but gets up from his chair and puts the folder underneath his arm.
“Is that everything, Mr. Deputy Director?” Jimin asks jokingly as a way to make the situation less emotional and weird for him. In the past years, he mastered the way of covering his actual emotional state with stupid jokes and is able to change the topic to his will in every situation. It might work with everyone but Yoongi, but to Jimin’s luck, Yoongi seems to get the message anyway.
“Don’t be a brat. You’re a Level 7 agent after all. Act like one,” Yoongi joins, and Jimin lets out a chuckle. Yeah. Jimin made it from nothing, from a Level 1 agent with the least access to any S.H.I.E.L.D. data and missions, to a Level 7 agent with full access to any details and information about current missions. To someone who caught so many criminals, solved so many cases in the past years. He earned his great status in the facility due to his hard work, but Jimin was just able to make his greatest achievements thanks to his partner. Now that he’s alone, Jimin feels like he’ll never be able to achieve anything ever again.
“Act like one,” Jimin parrots Yoongi while rolling his eyes again. Since Yoongi is a Level 9, Jimin knows he should pay him more respect, but if Jimin cares about anything, it’s definitely not clearance levels. Yoongi only huffs at that.
Whenever Jimin looks at Yoongi, he doesn’t even see his deputy director who assigned Jimin to the most difficult and dangerous missions for all those years. Not the one who taught him how to use a gun or a knife. Not the one who helped Jimin overcome the bad conscience that came with killing his first man at the age of 19. No, Jimin only sees the Yoongi, who comes over with two bottles of wine whenever he feels like it, who lets out the most annoying comments while watching horror movies (“Blood doesn’t even splatter around like that. Did they ever actually kill someone?”) or who held Jimin so many nights while he cried his heart out.
“I’m doing paperwork like a trainee, so I’ll behave like one,” Jimin chuckles, making Yoongi lean back in his chair and shake his head in amusement.
“You could be so much more like that, but if you say it like that… Get me a coffee, Agent Park,” Yoongi demands, and Jimin cockily raises an eyebrow. He holds himself back from giving Yoongi a middle finger.
“You can’t order me around, Yoongi. You missed that opportunity when you showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the night for the first time, crying about this random lover who, I quote, ‘had a dick too good to be true anyway.’ I think it’s a bit too much to ask me to respect you after that,” Jimin says teasingly, knowing exactly how much Yoongi hates this story. It’s been nearly eight years, but Jimin will never get sick of bringing it up. In the end it was the day which changed their relationship all over, and the beginning of a wonderful and supportive friendship, and Jimin couldn’t be more thankful. That doesn’t mean Jimin can’t be a dick about it.
“Wow, you really didn’t need to bring this up. Get the fuck out of my office.”
“Have a beautiful day, Deputy Director Min,” Jimin adds cheekily, and then he turns around to open the door, about to leave the office again. Yoongi’s sudden voice holds him back again.
“Think about my offer, okay? He wouldn’t want to see you like that, Jimin.”
Jimin stops in his tracks, his hand clenching around the door handle. It takes him a few seconds to collect himself, but then Jimin leaves the office without looking back.
“Choi Yeonjun!” Jimin yells the second he’s out in the hallway again, and it doesn’t take more than two seconds until his trainee comes running towards him as if he had been waiting for Jimin to show up again. Jimin can’t even deny that he has a soft spot for the man, since Yeonjun reminds him so much of himself. Jimin used to be so happy and full of zest for action as well when he started at the base. Jimin was literally glued to Yoongi’s side, willing to learn and absorb whatever Yoongi was sharing with him, always focused on becoming the best agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Jimin tried his best to be the same person for Yeonjun as well, to prepare him for the missions, for the fights, but in the end all Jimin could teach him so far, is to be prepared for the emotional stress, for the loss, and for the grief. Jimin would want to do more, but he feels like it’s the only thing he can do.
“Yes, Agent Park?” Yeonjun asks when Jimin only stares at him without saying another word. With a slight shake of his head, Jimin comes back to reality. He presses the folder Yoongi gave him to Yeonjun’s chest. “Bring this to my office. I have to attend a conference in a few.”
Yeonjun nods eagerly, and he immediately runs off to get done what Jimin just told him. Jimin looks after him for a second, his mind spiralling downwards to all the times he was ordered around, doing whatever he could to prove himself good enough to do more than just getting everyone coffee and getting yelled at for not watering the plants right. Jimin put his blood, sweat, and tears into this job, into his dream. Just for it to be crushed on a day that started like every other.
“Oh, and Yeonjun? Deputy Director Min wants a coffee. Now.”
“I'll take this pain for you, I will pull you through
I'll be with you 'til the end, Through the fire and rain
I will be your strength”
– Tommee Profitt; With You Til The End
One week passes in which Jimin successfully ignores the folder which his trainee put onto his desk like Jimin told him to. Jimin is sitting in his chair, finishing another case for a colleague while Yeonjun sits on his own desk to Jimin’s right, sorting some folders by their file reference. Jimin wishes he could show Yeonjun more, teach him how to use a gun or a shield, how to fight someone with a knife, or how to simply tackle someone down to the ground with nothing but a flick of his wrist. All the things that Jimin learned here as well. But instead he’s showing him how to sort folders, how to file personal files, and how to make coffee.
Jimin can’t even think about holding a gun without the guilt weighing heavy on his shoulders, can’t even imagine what the sound of a triggered gun would do to him. How could he teach someone else to defend themselves, how to kill someone else if necessary?
He really tries to hold himself back, but Jimin’s eyes wander over to the frame that’s sitting on the right end of his desk, next to his computer monitor. It’s a picture Jeongguk took of them when they were on their first trip together, when Jeongguk took him to Tokyo for Jimin’s birthday. Jimin is wearing a silly Mickey Mouse hat which Jeongguk bought him, and he has his eyes closed, head resting against Jeongguk’s chest while Jeongguk is smiling brightly into the camera.
For the longest time, Jimin couldn’t even think about Jeongguk, couldn’t say or hear anyone else say his name at work. On the other side, when Jimin was alone at home, he buried his face into Jeongguk’s old, unwashed shirts to inhale his scent. Wore his hoodies to bed to feel less alone in the bed that was too huge for one person and made Jimin feel even less lonely. Yet Jimin never brought himself to move out, to change anything inside the apartment, or throw away any of Jeongguk’s stuff.
He knows it’s stupid, but Jimin still waits every day for Jeongguk to knock at their door. To come back to where he belongs. Even after five years, it hurts to think about Jeongguk, but looking at his face on their picture fills Jimin more with ease than with pain by now. After five long years, Jimin still waits for Jeongguk to come back home, and to fall asleep in his arms again. Jimin would give everything to turn back time, to complain about Jeongguk leaving his stuff all around the apartment again, and to kiss him until his lips hurt.
Life isn’t fair. Jimin had to learn the hard way.
“Agent Park?” Jimin’s head snaps up, his eyes meeting Yeonjun’s curious yet worried ones. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be annoying, but you’ve been staring at this frame for the past ten minutes. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Jimin blinks a few times, and his eyes flutter down to the picture again for the split for a second before he finally gets himself together. He looks up to Yeonjun again, giving him a fake smile which Jimin practiced for so many years already that he sometimes even believes himself that it is real.
“Just a long night. Sorry, did you ask something?”
“No, just… Did you work the whole night again? I know I have in no way any say in this, but staying at the office until midnight doesn’t seem healthy at all,” Yeonjun says with honest worry in his voice. Jimin’s first instinct is to yell at him, tell him to care about his own business instead of being noisy, but he knows it won’t help him in any way. He’s too tired to fight anyway.
“Yeah. You’re right. Do you want a coffee?” Jimin offers while getting up from his chair, and Yeonjun’s eyes widen. “Don’t look at me like that. Yes or no? I won’t ask another time.”
“Y-Yes, sure. Thank you, Agent Park.” Jimin only hums and walks out of his office, making his way towards the kitchen in which they have a coffee machine which everyone can use. Jimin lets out a low sigh when he reaches for two cups and places one of them on the coffee machine, pressing the button for a black coffee.
He really needs to get his shit straight again, but Yoongi really threw him off with their conversation last week. Jimin thought about the mission each night while lying in bed, yet he never checked the folder to see what the mission really is about. The Winter Soldier Program, Yoongi had said. Jimin heard a few things about it, but never got any deeper into it, since there has never been proof that the Winter Soldiers even exist. Jimin even thought that Yoongi only made up shit to keep Jimin busy or to see how he’d react, so Jimin felt even less like digging deeper into the topic.
A sudden loud yell outside in the hallway makes Jimin’s blood freeze and nearly drop the cup from his hand.
“Get me a paramedic! Now! Get out of the way!” Jimin hears a familiar voice yell, and then there is loud chatter and the sound of many people running around heard outside. With panic spreading all over his body, all senses on highest alert, Jimin runs towards the door and looks outside as well, and what he then sees makes his heart stop.
“Let me help! Come here!” Yoongi says with a strained voice, and Jimin watches him reach around the lifeless body that Agent Kim Taehyung is carrying through the hallway. His face is covered in blood, his armour ripped on his chest and right arm, countless bruises and dirt spread over his body. He’s limping, yet he carried his partner all the way back to the facility. Jimin feels his knees getting weak when he sees the condition they are both in, and Jimin’s heart drops when he catches the first glance of Agent Jung Hoseok’s face.
“No…” Jimin whispers brokenly, blinking away the upcoming tears when he sees Taehyung dragging Hoseok through the hallway, desperately asking for help. Jimin has seen a lot of things, at the facility and on missions, but he has never seen someone looking as helpless and terrified as Taehyung in this moment. Jimin can’t move when they get closer and he sees Hoseok’s pale face, his eyes closed, and his armour ripped apart in most places. There is blood trickling from a huge wound right underneath his throat.
“Jimin, open the door!” Yoongi screams and pulls Jimin out of his trance. As if working on autopilot, Jimin stumbles out of the kitchen and runs towards the door at the end of the hallway, opening it so Yoongi and Agent Kim can carry Agent Jung through it and towards the health department.
Jimin can’t do anything but stare after them until they disappear around another corner, the loud noises of the paramedics and physicians already audible from the end of the hallway. Jimin is transfixed to the spot, his eyes glued to the trail of blood that Agent Jung and Agent Kim left on the floor. Jimin feels like throwing up.
“Agent Park?” Jimin hears Yeonjun’s voice somewhere coming from the back, and then some strong arms wrapping around his shoulders before he even feels his legs giving out on him. “I got you, I got you!” Yeonjun repeats over and over again, but Jimin’s head is buzzing too much, his view blurry. He can’t seem to see anything but the blood on the floor, and he can’t hear anything but the screams from five years ago. The screams full of pain that still haunt him in his dreams until today.
When Jimin comes back to consciousness, he has to blink a few times until he realizes that he’s lying inside a bed, a needle securely fixed inside of the back of his right hand. With a low groan, Jimin tries to move but his body still feels too weak, so he only rolls his head to the side. He’s not even surprised when he spots Yoongi sitting next to his bed.
“What are you doing here?” Jimin asks, his voice hoarse. “Don’t you have to plan a mission?” Jimin knows he’s being unfair, and that he’s not making things easier, but he can’t stop himself from feeling sorry for himself. He couldn’t even stand the view of blood without passing out, and Yoongi really thought Jimin could join another mission.
“Could ask you the same. What happened?” Yoongi asks in return. He has one leg thrown over the other, his right elbow propped up, his head resting on top of his hand. Jimin lets out a huff.
“Didn’t eat enough today. Barely slept last night,” he lies. There is this uncontrollable feeling burning right underneath Jimin’s skin. Like life just proved him that he will never be able to join another mission, that he will never be able to do his real job, but is damned to do paperwork for the rest of his life. It hurts way more than telling himself that he actually likes what he’s doing.
Yoongi doesn’t even move a muscle, but keeps staring at Jimin from the side of the room. The gaze alone starts to slowly break down the walls that Jimin built up around himself. Jimin sees the pity in Yoongi’s eyes, and Jimin hates it. Everyone always looked at him with pity after everything that happened. They all tried to help, they all tried to ease the pain. At the end of the day, it means nothing to Jimin when he comes home to an empty apartment.
“Okay. That’s it?”
“That’s it.” Jimin tries to sound as believable as possible. “How are they doing? Are they both okay?”
“Agent Kim will be fine. Agent Jung? Not sure yet.” Jimin’s whole body hurts at those words. He can’t help some tears swelling in his eyes, pain shooting through his whole body at the thought of losing someone else in his life. Taehyung surely feels even worse. “Did you think about the mission? Did you read the files I gave you?” Yoongi changes the topic, and somehow it rubs Jimin completely wrong.
“I– What? Why do you bring this up now? Who cares about the–”
“Did you read them?”
“Seriously, what do you–” Jimin feels himself getting worked up. Why is Yoongi asking out of the blue? Who cares about the files that he gave Jimin last week, when one of Jimin’s closest friends is still in surgery and neither of them knows if he’ll survive?
“Agent Park, answer the question,” Yoongi repeats, his voice booming through the room like a rolling thunder. Jimin hates when Yoongi uses his title to address Jimin. It makes Jimin even angrier, and maybe feeling even more exposed, since Yoongi is literally strippinig Jimin down to admit the bare truth.
“I– Fuck, no! I can’t stand even thinking about it, okay? I can’t think about wearing my uniform again and going out for a mission! I can’t even stand seeing blood without feeling like throwing up. Without thinking about what happened. Are you happy now? Isn’t this, ” Jimin points to himself to make clear what he is talking about, “proof enough that I can’t go on another mission? I miss him, I still do. Even after all those years. And I can’t forget what happened, what I have done. Or better, what I haven’t done. I’m not an agent anymore, Yoongi. I’m nothing anymore.” Jimin now fully sobs, his eyes beginning to water. “I didn’t read anything, because I can’t. ”
He has no idea why Yoongi pushed him like that, why he wanted Jimin to be honest so badly, but now he heard it. Now Yoongi heard what he already knew anyway. He has no idea what Yoongi is trying to do, but he knows him well enough to realize that he has no chance to get out of this conversation anyway. And not just because he’s chained to the hospital bed.
Yoongi always had the power to make Jimin talk about his most traumatic moments, make him able to talk about it and cry his heart out, just to feel a little better afterwards. Jimin will always be thankful that he had Yoongi by his side in his darkest hours, and that even now, Yoongi doesn’t seem to give Jimin up.
“Do you want to know what happened to Agent Kim and Agent Jung?” Yoongi asks, and Jimin only drops his head back into the pillow, closing his eyes to inhale deeply. Jimin remembers his first year at S.H.I.E.L.D., when he and Kim Taehyung started their first military program together. Jung Hoseok had been on a higher level already, and he was the one to supervise Taehyung, so the three of them hung out together a lot. Jimin grew really fond of them, and since they were an amazing team from the start, Yoongi made them partners for upcoming missions. Therefore, Jimin sadly barely saw them anymore. They didn’t really go out anymore or have lunch together, but they texted here and there. They also made sure to text Jimin more regularly after what had happened with Jeongguk, and Jimin was thankful for the kind gesture.
So of course Jimin wants to know what happened to them, what happened to the men he has known for so long. Who were the most amazing team in their facility, and who always took care of each other so neither of them ever got hurt. Jimin can’t even imagine what happened to them.
“Tell me.”
“They went on a regular daily mission, and then they got attacked out of the blue. It was just one man, nothing else.”
“Who attacked them? Who would do that to them? Why did he come alone? How could anyone let that happen?” Jimin asks all at once. He still feels too weak to keep his head up, so he only rests his head on the pillow, looking at Yoongi from the corner of his eyes. Yoongi’s expression is unreadable, and it makes the goosebumps spread all over Jimin’s body.
“A Winter Soldier.” Yoongi’s voice is calm and collected, and Jimin’s mind is a mess.
“What? A Winter Soldier?” he gasps, furrowing his eyebrows.
“Based on what Agent Kim told me and what we know from previous HYDRA documents, it could be one of them. I didn’t have much time to talk to them, but I’m sure I’m right. And you know my feelings never betray me.”
Jimin blinks a few times before he turns his head away and stares at the white ceiling, trying to sort out his thoughts. He tries to recall all possible things he ever heard or read about the program, trying to make any of the things that just happen make sense.
The Winter Soldier Program apparently was a top secret project started by Arnmin Zola in the 1940s to brainwash soldiers, who Zola had administered with a Super Soldier Serum, similar to the one used for Steven Rogers, who became Captain America later. Zola’s goal was to turn people into super soldier assassins known as the Winter Soldiers, but nobody ever saw or met one. Not in all those years. For the longest time, S.H.I.E.L.D. had been clinging onto a few old documents about a secret super soldier facility, but they never were able to find it.
If Taehyung and Hoseok now really met a Winter Soldier and made it out of there alive, then they are in danger. They know too much, and they all know what happens to people who know too much. Winter Soldiers are apparently assigned to a mission and don’t stop until they succeed. Either, Hoseok and Taehyung were only in the way and weren’t the actual mission, or they really were able to flee.
Jimin doesn’t know what’s worse.
“But why them? What could he possibly want from them? They weren’t even out to spy on HYDRA or anything similar,” Jimin whispers, his eyebrows furrowed while he tries to figure out what happened.
“That’s the big secret,” Yoongi sighs. “Maybe Agent Jung knows more. If he ever wakes up. And if he even remembers.”
Jimin takes another deep breath, trying to remain calm. Suddenly, something that people never even believed existed, became a threat for them, and Jimin’s mind is racing. There are so many things to do, so many people to ask, so many documents to read. It’s like a huge puzzle with nearly all pieces missing. They have nothing but what Taehyung and maybe Hoseok can report, but besides that? They are confronted with a saga that never has been proven true.
“Jimin, I didn’t give you the file for nothing. We had hints of HYDRA picking up the Winter Soldier program again, and now our own agents brought us the proof that I was right. Agent Jung is still in surgery, and we don’t know if he’ll make it. We have to do something, and I need you to help me. Jimin, I beg you. I can’t lose another agent,” Yoongi says, his voice slightly breaking at the end. It breaks Jimin’s heart as well. “You know how it feels to lose a partner. We don’t know how many more Winter Soldiers are out there, or if they plan to attack us, since Agent Kim and Agent Jung were able to flee.”
There is a sudden fire that starts to ignite inside of Jimin’s chest. He can’t really pinpoint it, but it’s a weird mixture of anger, pain, and the urgent need for revenge. Yes, Jimin knows how it feels to lose someone, and he knows in what state Taehyung probably is right now, not knowing if his partner will make it. Neither of them deserve this kind of pain, and Jimin hates himself for not interfering earlier. If he only had read the folder earlier, if he only had decided to help earlier, then he might have been able to prevent what happened to his friends today.
“It’s my fault. Again,” Jimin whispers, his fingers clenching around the white blanket with which his body is covered. “I didn’t do anything. I got them into this situation. Because I wasn’t able to get myself together.”
“No, listen to me. Look at me and listen, Jimin,” Yoongi says with a firm voice, yet Jimin keeps staring at the ceiling. “Agent Park. This is an order.” Yoongi barely uses this card against Jimin, but when he does, Jimin knows better than to ignore the order of his deputy director. Slowly, Jimin rolls his head to the side, meeting Yoongi’s eyes again. Jimin sees Yoongi’s features soften when they look at each other.
“None of this is your fault. I understand why you were struggling, I get that you’re afraid. But I need you now, I need Agent Park for this case. I know I dropped this on you out of the blue, but I’m done watching you drown yourself in work that has not a single meaning to you. And I also know I’m pushing my limits here, but Jimin, Jeongguk would never want you to give up your job. You two always promised each other to do what’s necessary, no matter what it takes. He’d never be mad at you, never. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that? Wasting it? Would you want to see Jeongguk like that, if the roles were switched?”
Jimin listens to every single word without blinking once. He listens and he lets the tears silently drop from his eyes, running down his cheek until it drops onto the white pillow.
“No, I would want him to keep doing what he did before. To not regret anything,” Jimin sobs, more tears running down his face. They always promised to be there for each other, but they both also knew that the mission and the wellbeing of the team and the bigger cause was always worth more than their own lives. Jimin still risked it all to save Jeongguk.
It doesn’t change anything about Jimin hating Jeongguk for staying inside this building for longer, for ignoring all jeopardies just because he wanted to find out more. Because, of course, Jeongguk had to go the extra mile again. Why did he always have to be so stubborn?
When Jimin puts his hand on his chest, he still feels the harsh kick with which Jeongguk eventually kicked Jimin through the glass window behind him, making him fall from the second floor of the wrecked building just in time.
“Then why do you? Regret everything? You’ve done your best, Jimin. Your job. You tried to save him, and I’m sure he appreciates that you even tried, despite knowing it’s against the codex. You proved your love even in the last second, and that’s what matters. I’ve lost people on the way as well, more than I can count, and it never gets easier. The loss will always be by your side, buried deep down in your mind, but regret doesn’t make it easier. Trust me.” Jimin nods, because there is nothing else he can do. They have had this conversation so many times, about their feelings, about what’s wrong and what’s right. Jimin always tried to listen to Yoongi, to follow his advice, but the second he was left alone all the bad feelings came back at once, burying Jimin underneath a thick layer of guilt, regret, and loneliness.
Now that two of his closest friends are going through the same thing, Jimin can’t help the feeling that’s settling deep down in his stomach.
“I want t-to help, I really do,” Jimin whispers, voice barely audible. “But I don’t know if I can. When even the sight of a bloodtrail knocks me out, I don’t know what holding a gun in my hands again does to me. I miss him so much, and everything about this reminds me of him. I am afraid I’ll make it even worse. What if I fuck it up again? I could never live with that.”
“You know I won’t force you to do anything you’re not willing to do. I just don’t want you to forget who you really are. Life is tough, and things don’t always work out well, but we should be brave and go on with our lives,” Yoongi continues, and Jimin feels his heart sink another time. “Everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad, and if we know that everyone is suffering and lonely, we should create an environment where we can ask for help, and say things are hard when they’re hard, and say that we miss someone when we miss them. You are always allowed to talk to me, to cry about how much you miss him, and how lonely you feel. I hope you know that. But I also hope that you know that you need to move forward by yourself. Do not get stuck in the past, or you’ll miss your whole life.”
Jimin keeps looking at Yoongi for what feels like ages, trying to come up with any answer, thinking that Yoongi probably expects him to say something. But what should Jimin say? Should he agree? Should he really, after five long years, get back into what he used to do before? Can Jimin really face all his demons, and confront himself with all the things that probably remind him of the biggest mistake of his life? Or might it be able to help him? To finally move on, and let the past be the past? Jimin doesn’t know, but he knows Yoongi is right when he says that he will never know if he’ll never try.
“I don’t think I–” A sudden knock on the door interrupts Jimin, and he quickly wipes away the tears from his cheeks before he tells the person to come in. Jimin and Yoongi watch the door open, until it reveals Kim Taehyung, already stitched up, but still looking horrible and exhausted.
“Can I come in? I– Hoseok is still… in there, and I feel so–”
“It’s okay, come in,” Jimin immediately says. He knows the feeling too well. He knows the pain, and the feeling of knowing nothing. Of trying to wait patiently, but the unknowingness eating you alive. Taehyung doesn’t want to be lonely, and Jimin knows how it feels. Without thinking about it another second, Jimin finally manages to get into a sitting position, ripping the needle out of his arm with a quick movement, a low groan escaping his throat. With shaking legs, Jimin stumbles towards Taehyung, and he’s happy that Taehyung gets the message and meets him halfway, throwing his arms around Jimin.
“Taehyung,” Jimin whispers brokenly, relief finally rushing through his veins when he can hug his friend. Taehyung wraps his arms firmly around Jimin’s smaller body, pressing Jimin against his chest, burying his face in the crook of Jimin’s neck. Jimin didn’t even have the time to think about what really happened, and that Taehyung and Hoseok nearly lost their lives during this mission. “You made it back, you’re here. You’re safe. It’s okay.”
Taehyung’s broken sobs echo through the room, and Jimin closes his eyes while he gently pats the back of Taehyung’s head, letting the younger cry against his neck. “What if he won’t make it, Jimin,” Taehyung sobs heartbrokenly, and Jimin feels like his heart is breaking as well.
“He will. You did such a great job. You brought him back, now they can help him. He wouldn’t be here without you. Hoseok hyung will be so proud of you,” Jimin says gently, trying to calm Taehyung down. It takes a few more minutes of silence and Jimin hugging Taehyung closely, until Taehyung’s body finally stops shaking, and his tears slowly die down.
“Sit down, take a breath.” Jimin helps Taehyung over to where Yoongi is still sitting, and thankful, Taehyung sits down on another chair next to Yoongi.
Jimin observes Taehyung for another while, making sure that he’s calmed down. Jimin sits back on the bed only after Taehyung lets out a deep sigh and is now nervously playing with his fingers in his lap. Jimin can’t even put it into words how much it hurts him to see his friend like that.
Taehyung grew a lot in the past years. He learned so many things from Hoseok, and became better and better in his job each day. But besides that, he became happier each day. Taehyung has always been rather shy, but Hoseok managed to make Taehyung open more up, laugh more, enjoy life more. He and Hoseok have been an amazing team, and more than once, Jimin felt jealous when he met the two in the hallway. Seeing him so upset and broken now, sadly is a feeling that people at S.H.I.E.L.D. know all too well.
The room falls silent for a while, nobody daring to say a word. Jimin’s eyes are glued to Taehyung, and with each second he looks at him, the feeling in his chest becomes more prominent. Taehyung’s injuries are stitched up, but there is still blood on his shirt, his armour still ripped apart in some places. His knuckles are bloody, and the left leg of his pants is rolled up a bit, revealing a bandage. Jimin saw him limping earlier, he hopes he’ll heal soon.
“Can I ask you something?” Jimin decides to ask, already feeling his heart beating in his mouth. Taehyung’s head turns towards him, giving Jimin a small, weak smile.
“You want to know what happened, right? I already told Yoongi before, when I was still in shock. I don’t even know if what I said made sense,” Taehyung snickers sadly while looking at Yoongi. “But now that everything has settled a bit down, I can remember things more clearly. Not everything, but fragments.” Taehyung’s voice is cold, and his eyebrows furrowed while he thinks back to what happened just hours ago. It took Jimin days to finally be able to tell Yoongi what happened during their mission back then. He definitely understands how hard it must be for Taehyung right now. Even more so, when Hoseok is still in surgery and they don’t even know if he’ll make it.
“It all happened really fast. Hoseok had been on the rooftop, observing the area, while I went inside the building. There had been information about a small group of people keeping Chitauri technology they apparently use to create and sell advanced weapons. We were just there to find out more, not to interfere at all. We kept contact at all times, always made sure that the other is still there, still safe. Then the connection suddenly was cut off, and the last thing I heard was a dull sound. As if Hoseok fell to the ground. Immediately, I went upwards to check on him, and then I saw him. Someone was pinning Hoseok to the ground, holding a knife to his throat. I grabbed my gun immediately, but they were rolling around so I couldn’t shoot without the risk of hitting Hoseok.”
“Who was it? Did you recognize him?” Jimin asks, and again, Taehyung lifts his head to look Jimin directly in the eye. There is nothing but pain shimmering in Taehyung’s eyes. They all know what could possibly await them on every mission. That a simple wrong step could cost someone’s life, but they all push it to the deepest back of their minds. The hard reality only comes crashing down on them; the second life reminds them that none of them are immortal.
“No. He was wearing a mask that covered his whole face until his forehead. He had long hair,” Taehyung explains, and then turns his eyes away again, looking down to his hands. “And a metal arm.”
“A metal arm?” Yoongi now asks. Apparently that’s new information for him as well.
“Yeah. His left arm, it was made out of metal. When I tried to pull him away from Hoseok he grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against a wall. I thought I’d die there and then from the force he was able to use against me. But I had to help my partner, right? The man tried to attack me another time with a knife, but Hoseok got between us. He got Hoseok instead of me. Everything else really happened in a blur, I don’t remember much after he slammed me to the ground again. So I used all my strength, all my power, to somehow get us out of there. The next thing I remember is that I picked up Hoseok and carried him towards the truck. And then I drove back to the facility, hoping that he’ll stay with me before it’s too late. You saw the rest, and that’s it. That’s what happened.”
“Did he follow you?” Yoongi asks, and Jimin sees it in his eyes that he is concerned.
“I don’t think so. And let me be honest. If he wanted to kill us, he would have. I don’t know why he let us go, or why we were able to flee, but we made it.”
“You weren’t the mission,” Jimin whispers more to himself, but Taehyung and Yoongi still turn their heads towards him, watching him closely. Jimin’s legs are dangling over the edge of the bed, his head still feeling a bit dizzy. “If he really was a Winter Soldier, then he was there for a mission. Maybe to get some of these advanced weapons. You were just there at the wrong time.”
“But we don’t know if us being there now made us the mission,” Taehyung says concerned, kneading his hands nervously. “It was my fault. All of this. I wasn’t able to save him. I judged the situation wrong and nearly lost him. Maybe I will lose him, I don’t even know. I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I still hear his screams, and now I’m sitting here while he’s fighting for his life in there! It should’ve been me instead of him, not like this!”
“Taehyung, hey,” Jimin tries with a calm voice, but Taehyung already lowers his head to hide his face in his palms, his body slightly starting to shake. Jimin hates how much he can relate to the feeling. To think that it should be different, that someone else should be in Jimin’s place and he should be the one missing.
“I can’t lose him. I can’t. What am I without him?” Taehyung cries, and the heartbreaking sobs fill the room, leaving no space for any calming words. Jimin knows he could say nothing to make it better, to ease the pain. It consumes someone wholly, like the darkness wrapping around a body, caging one in. When there is no light in the distance, not a single spark of hope that keeps people alive, that keeps people fighting, the darkness will pull them down until there is nothing left but emptiness.
“He will make it, Agent Kim. It’s not your fault, and I’m sure he will make it through,” Yoongi says with a whisper, and Jimin knows he’s not even believing himself at this point.
“Don’t try to make any of this better, or to make me feel any less bad about this. You assigned us to this mission, you should’ve known the risk! You said the two of us would be enough!” Suddenly Taehyung’s voice is angry and full of sorrow, his eyes bloodshot when he lifts his head again and looks at Yoongi.
“Nobody knows everything. You’re a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, Agent Kim. That’s the risk of your job,” Yoongi replies calmly, and Jimin watches Taehyung’s chest move heavily. He sees it in the way Taehyung clenches his jaw and has his fingers buried into the armrest of the chair, the veins in his arms already popping out, that Taehyung is about to lose his mind any second.
Jimin can’t stand seeing him like that.
“You’re right,” Jimin then says, pulling all the attention to him. “We don’t know if what happened today made you the next mission. We don’t know anything, and we can barely prepare for another attack.” Jimin slowly gets up from the bed and slips back into his shoes. His shirt is completely wrinkled by now, and his hair a mess, but he doesn’t care. “I will study the files, find out as much as possible. Maybe I can make out a place where they could be hiding.”
Without waiting for another response from Yoongi or Taehyung, Jimin slips out of the hospital room and walks down the hallway, back towards the facility.
“Yeonjun!” Jimin yells into the phone. “The folder on my desk, bring it to the conference room and spread all files on the tables. Bring your laptop. And bring me all files from HYDRA members we know about. You have five minutes. And cancel all your plans tonight, you’ll be busy.” He doesn’t even let Yeonjun say anything in return before he hangs up and shoves his phone back into the pocket of his pants.
Jimin doesn’t know how far he’ll make it, or how much he can actually help. But he won’t ignore someone hurting his friends so randomly without any consequences. He never was able to get revenge for what happened to Jeongguk. Now Jimin is willing to do whatever it costs to at least get revenge for his friends.
“Cause I don't need this life
I just need somebody to die for
Somebody to cry for, When I'm lonely”
– Hurts; Somebody To Die For