Chapter Text
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TT: Hello, John.
EB: oh, hi rose. isn’t it a little... i just woke up like ten minutes ago.
TT: You are aware that it’s 1:30 in the afternoon?
EB: uh, yeah, was definitely aware of that.
TT: Well setting that mildly troubling response aside, I was wondering if I might ask you for some help.
EB: you need MY help? of course rose, whatever you need!
TT: Wonderful!
TT: I was hoping you’d be your usual agreeable self.
TT: I haven’t seen you in a while, you know, so I thought it possible that you’d morphed irrevocably into some sort of curmudgeonly hermit uninterested in pedestrian notions of love and friendship.
EB: ...
TT: No?
TT: That jab at the increasing reclusivity you've exhibited over the last few years wasn’t lighthearted enough to prevent it from souring the mood?
EB: i’m just trying to eat some cereal, rose. it’s awful early in the afternoon for this.
TT: Sigh.
TT: John, I’m not trying to make you feel bad.
TT: I’m just concerned, and have been for a while.
TT:
TT: You know we all are, right?
EB: not succeeding at that whole ‘not making me feel bad’ thing.
TT: It’s just that I don’t believe I’ve seen your face for a year now, at least.
EB: you’re not missing much.
EB: look didn’t you have something you wanted my help with? can we focus on that, please?
TT: Fine, I’ll drop it.
TT: Besides, if you agree to help me out, it’ll assuage my concern anyway.
EB: ...?
TT: So I’ve been busy lately.
TT: Mostly with my career as a psychiatrist, but I’ve also been dipping into writing again.
TT: Which is wonderful, honestly. The creative portion of my mind has been starving for ages now, so I’m eager to feed it.
TT: But working so much has made it difficult for me to find time to assist my wife with her hobby, and it’s the sort of thing where she really needs help from time to time.
TT: And since she hasn’t had that help, she’s stopped doing her hobby, and focused more and more on her work with the grubs.
TT: Which is great work she’s doing of course, I’m very proud of her, but I don’t want that to be her whole life, and I know she doesn’t want that either!
TT: I mean the whole reason I was helping her out to begin with, aside from the obvious which is that I love her immensely, was so she wouldn’t spend all of her time in the caves!
TT: And I should probably clarify that it’s not as though I can’t help at all. Especially if you’re not comfortable wearing dresses or anything feminine like that.
EB: wait what are we talking about?
TT: My apologies. Let me explain.
TT: I think you are aware that Kanaya loves to make clothes?
EB: i don’t really know much about her, besides that she’s your wife and bad at sarcasm.
TT: She’s really improved with that, actually. You’d be impressed.
TT: But anyway, she loves to make clothes. Sometimes for herself, but more often as of late for others.
TT: Not specific people, usually. I just mean that she enjoys making clothes that aren’t sized specifically for her.
EB: you want me to try on outfits for your wife?
TT: Yes, exactly that.
EB: ...i don’t know, rose. i mean i barely even know kanaya, so won’t it be super awkward?
TT: Perhaps at first.
TT: But you do realize that you being unfamiliar with my partner of seven years is something of a problem in need of fixing?
EB: seven!? i went to the wedding, it was only four years ago!
TT: Our relationship did not begin with our matrimony, John.
EB: oh i guess that’s fair.
TT: I admit I may indeed have a sneakier reason for wanting your help with this.
TT: Which is that I would appreciate it if my oldest friend and my wife could get to know each other just a little.
TT: You could even become friends with each other, if you were inclined to be so horrifically gregarious.
EB: bluh.
EB: fine i’ll do it if you promise not to bring up how sociable i have or haven’t been ever again.
TT: I promise to do it less.
EB: never again!
TT: If you start semi-regularly spending time with my wife I won’t have cause to think about it, will I?
EB: ugh, i guess!
EB: when do you want me to visit, then? sometime next week?
TT: I was thinking more like... in an hour.
EB: what!? i haven’t even showered in
TT: In...?
EB: well i’ve got to shower.
EB: and you two live like an hour away from here!
TT: We both know it won’t take you nearly that long.
EB: do i need to wear something in particular to this... what is it, a session?
TT: A hangout.
TT: My only advice would be to wear something that’s easy to get on...
EB: ...
EB: was that...
EB: is your sentence done?
TT: ...and off.
EB: oh, um, hah! that’s... rose you know that sounds kind of like innuendo, right?
TT: I said exactly what I wanted to say in the manner that I wanted to say it.
EB: ah! well. i-i see!
EB: welp, i should go now if i’m going to be there in an hour. bye!
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
Your name is JOHN EGBERT. Today is not going the way you thought it would for several reasons, most of which you do not wish to dwell on. Lately you have been spending more and more of your time isolated in your lonely house for reasons you ALSO do not wish to dwell on. And just now you think your oldest friend that you’ve barely talked to since her wedding might have been flirting with you, and you probably shouldn’t dwell on that either. You were probably just reading into things.
Pushing all of these feelings aside, as you have been for years now, you toss your half-eaten bowl of cereal into the sink and trudge your way back upstairs. You need to shower. You’ve needed to shower for… well you’ve sort of lost track of how long but you think ‘too long’ is probably accurate.
As you enter the bathroom, you will your clothes away. Your god tier outfit is one of the only things you’ve been wearing for… months now, at least. It’s the only outfit you’ve got that won’t grow as disgusting as the rest of you over time, which is important given how little you’ve been showering. And you suppose the fact that it’s absurdly easy to take on or off has also coupled well with your chronic lethargy.
Oh THAT must be what Rose meant! She was just suggesting you wear your god tier outfit, not FLIRTING with you! Yes, that makes so much more sense. It’s good you’ve got that sorted out and can put it out of your mind forever now.
You catch a glimpse of yourself in the nearby mirror and grimace. That’s not a sight you enjoy seeing, especially when you’re naked. You take your glasses off and place them on the counter next to your phone, then glance at the mirror again. The blurry mess in front of you is a lot less troubling a sight.
After turning the water on and waiting for it to warm, you start your shower proper. The whole event passes like a blur, your body going through motions that it should probably be more used to than it actually is. Meanwhile, your mind struggles to avoid thinking about the things Rose said.
Your mind fails, of course, as it usually does. It also fails to prevent you from sliding deep down into another guilt spiral over how much you’ve been disappointing your friends lately. The last time you saw any of them in person was over a year ago and the last time you talked to any of them was over a month ages. The only thing that’s kept them all from storming your house to check up on you is how prompt you usually are in responding to their texts. You’ve managed to keep their worry levels just low enough that they haven’t dragged your sorry ass out of your house. Every time you start to think they’re going to tip over that line, you call and talk to them on the phone for as long as it takes for them to chill out and that’s surely a strategy that can last forever, and definitely not something that only proves you’re a terrible, awful friend that they’d all be better off without.
Now that you think of it, you suppose this strategy of yours literally just failed. Rose managed to convince you to meet with her wife in person, afterall.
Kanaya… Wow, this is going to be rough.
It’s not as though you dislike her or anything! She makes Rose happy, and that’s enough for you, really. And you appreciate that she helped out in the fight against the Condesce. But the two of you don’t exactly… talk. Ever. You’ve got NO idea what she thinks about you. But given how much you’ve been worrying her wife lately, you can’t imagine her opinion of you is very high.
At some point you realize that you’ve been standing with your head hanging beneath the showerhead for a long time. Wait, how long have you been in here?? You scramble out of the shower, wrapping your unruly dark hair in a towel. You push the power button on the side of your phone and —
Oh shit you’re supposed to be at Rose’s house in fifteen minutes!!
You rush through the various tasks you know you’ve still got to get done - drying your body and hair, shaving your face, trying to figure out a way to style your increasingly long hair so that it doesn’t scream ‘has no idea what he’s doing’ and ultimately failing…
Okay, you’re done, how much time do you ha — two minutes!?
Well, there’s nothing for it. You’d intended to fly over to them, but even that would be too slow now. It’s something you try to avoid nowadays, but you’ll just have to use your other powers.
A second later, you’re in Rose’s kitchen. Wait, crap, you meant to go outside. The Maryam-Lalondes hate it when you just teleport into their house. Fortunately, no one else is in the kitchen right now. You teleport right outside the nearby window, then walk around the house over to the front door. Stifling your nerves, you knock.
The door opens faster than you’d expected. Greeting you is not the expected human, but instead the troll woman you’ll be spending the next few hours with.
KANAYA: Oh John Youre Here
KANAYA: Right On Time By The Look Of It
JOHN: did you expect anything less?
KANAYA: Well To Be Frank Yes But I Am Happy To Be Proven Wrong
One sentence and already you’re fucking things up. Amazing.
KANAYA: Would You Like To Come Inside
KANAYA: That Is Where The Outfits You Are To Try On Are Located
JOHN: yes! let’s go into your house, a house I definitely haven’t been inside of in months!
KANAYA: I Believe It Has Been Over A Year
KANAYA: Also That Is Odd Of You To Point Out
You rush inside without another word, opting to derail the conversation train on purpose before you manage to do it by accident. The interior of the Maryam-Lalonde estate is exactly how you remember it — high ceiling, flowers in vases, art hung on the wall here and there… You realize you hadn’t looked too closely at the art before now. It’s very… eclectic. Some portraits and statues of wizards, a painting that seems to be a mess of colors and lines, and a couple pictures of ladies hanging out with other ladies. When you looked at those latter ones before you didn’t think much of them, but now you’re realizing that these ladies are probably not just friends. It is perhaps much more likely that your two obviously gay friends have some pieces of art on their walls that are also obviously gay.
Huh. The decor hasn’t changed, but perhaps you have, noticing things like that. The old you was just too oblivious. You suppose you’ve matured at least a tiny bit, despite your best efforts.
KANAYA: My Work Room Is This Way If You Are Done Staring At Those Two Women On A Date And Would Care To Follow
You would and you do.
JOHN: so... is rose not here? i thought she would be here, since she’s the one who set this whole thing up.
KANAYA: No She Is At Her Office
KANAYA: The One Not Residing Within Our House
KANAYA: She Had An Appointment With A Client Set For Exactly The Time That You Arrived In Fact
KANAYA: I Am Not Particularly Surprised That She Did Not Tell You This
JOHN: neither am i actually... she’s wily like that.
KANAYA: That Is Not A Word I Have Ever Heard Used To Describe My Wife But It Is A Word That I Will Use To Describe Her From Now On
After traveling down several long corridors, you reach an open door leading into a well-lit room. Stepping inside, you take note of how spacious the room is, and how crammed full that spaciousness is with all manner of clothing. Suits, hats, dresses, scarves, and so many other types of clothing in various states of completion can be found at virtually any angle one might choose to view the room from. That’s a lot of clothes… surely you’re not meant to try on ALL of them, right?
KANAYA: I Do Not Expect You To Try All Of These Clothes On
JOHN: ...are you a mind reader?
KANAYA: Your Thoughts Were Clear On Your Face
KANAYA: This Is A Common Thing With You I Understand
JOHN: i mean i guess?
KANAYA: I Have Several Outfits Prepared On The Table Over There
KANAYA: Suits Mostly
JOHN: that makes sense. rose didn’t want to wear them so they piled up or something like that?
KANAYA: No Rose Loves To Wear Suits
KANAYA: She Wore One To Our Wedding You Will Recall
JOHN: oh right.
KANAYA: It Is Just That These Particular Suits Are Large
KANAYA: They Are Closer To My Length Actually But I Do Not Particularly Love To Wear Them And Also They Ended Up A Tad More Broad Shouldered Than I Had Originally Intended
KANAYA: I Expect They Will Fit Your Form Better Than Either Myself Or Rose
JOHN: okay well i guess i’d better get to it! how many have you got?
KANAYA: At Least Twenty
JOHN: damn
KANAYA: But I Have Only Five That Are Actually Finished
JOHN: oh good
A smile crosses Kanaya’s face. You might even call it a smirk.
KANAYA: I Apologize
KANAYA: Rose Has Referred To You As Someone Who Is Fun To
KANAYA: I Believe The Words She Used Were
KANAYA: Mess With
JOHN: :/
KANAYA: She Was Right
A feeling shoots through your body, gone before you can examine it properly. You’re sure it wasn’t irritation, though, despite that being the natural response. Also, definitely unrelated, but it’s a little warm in here, you think.
Kanaya moves away from you, toward the table she’d mentioned earlier, and you follow, shaking your head to clear your thoughts.
JOHN: haha! well, ANYWAY...
JOHN: i guess i should take one of these suits and — oh, where am i supposed to change?
KANAYA: There Is A Screen Over There To The Left
She picks up one of the neatly folded outfits and places it in your arms. It’s slightly heavier than you’d expected. You glance in the direction she pointed and see an ornate black screen hidden behind a few clothed mannequins.
JOHN: it’s just a screen? there’s not a changing room or anything?
KANAYA: There Are Other Rooms In The House But None Specifically Designated For The Act Of Changing Ones Clothes
KANAYA: But I Assure You The Screen Excels At The One Job It Has
KANAYA: That Job Being To Obscure Whatever Is Behind It From The View Of Whatever Is In Front Of It
KANAYA: All That Being Said I Can Leave The Room If You Are Uncomfortable
JOHN: oh no it should be fine!
JOHN: i mean it’s not like you’re the kind of person who’d peep, i don’t think.
JOHN: especially on me!
KANAYA: You Are Not Wrong I Do Not
KANAYA: Peep
KANAYA: However I Dont Understand Why You Believe I Would Especially Refrain From The Activity With You
KANAYA: Unless You Mean Simply That You Are My Friend And My Guest And Thus I Would Never Wish To Breach Your Trust In That Way
KANAYA: Or Any Way For That Matter
JOHN: well i mean sure.
JOHN: but i actually just meant because i’m a guy and you’re a lesbian.
KANAYA: There Is That Word You Humans
KANAYA: By Which I Primarily Mean Rose Dave And Now Yourself
KANAYA: Are So Fond Of Using To Describe Me
KANAYA: I Have Come To Understand What It Means But Still Find Its Application To Myself Rather Unnecessary
JOHN: oh right, being gay isn’t a thing for trolls.
JOHN: which is funny because all the trolls i know sure seem to be gay as hell, no offense.
JOHN: or are you all like... bi as hell? or what’s that other one, pan?
JOHN: i’m not super up on the lingo.
KANAYA: Rose Has Made Me Quite Aware Of The
KANAYA: Lingo
KANAYA: And My Understanding Is That If I Were To See The Need To Choose A Label
KANAYA: Then Lesbian Is Indeed The Most Apt Terminology
JOHN: oh, well good. i don’t feel bad, then!
KANAYA: As Well You Shouldnt
KANAYA: I Am Not Offended I Just Think The Whole Thing Is Silly
KANAYA: Now Please Scoot Along And Change Into That Suit
KANAYA: If You Are Having Difficulties Please Let Me Know And I Shall Assist
KANAYA: Otherwise Please Come Back Over To Me Once You Are Dressed
Shaking your head affirmatively, you trot past the mannequins, then over to and around the screen. There’s a small bench and table back here, but not much else. You set pieces of the suit on the table in separate pieces. There’s actually several layers to this thing - a black undershirt, a swirling black and red button-up, a black or maybe very dark blue suit jacket with red trim, a tie patterned the same as the button-up, some black socks, and… a little square cloth that looks like the tie and button-up? What in the world is this thing?? Where does it go??? You felt fairly certain that you’d be able to figure out a suit with ease — it’s not as though it’s your first time wearing one, afterall. But upon reflection you realize the suits you’ve donned in the past were captchalogued items. Should you have captchalogued this thing before you took it apart? Too late now. You should’ve expected you’d screw this up! This is why you don’t leave the house… Why did Rose make you leave the house!?
You take a deep breath. Calm down, you can do this. Or most of it, probably. Maybe not that square cloth dealy, and probably not the tie. But the rest? Shouldn’t be too difficult.
With a thought, your clothes disappear. Or most of them, at any rate. You’ve still got your tighty whities on, though this particular pair no longer deserves the second part of its name. Not that it’s soiled — you have some modicum of self-respect, even if it’s tiny — but this pair is worn and faded and not without a hole or two. It’s probably time that you buy new ones. Past time, really. You add that to the mental list in your head that you’re bound to immediately forget for at least another few weeks.
Starting with the pants, which you figure is the part of this you’re least likely to do wrong, you begin putting the suit on. After the pants, the three layers that cover your chest turn out to be relatively easy to slip on as well, though you’re unsure if you’re supposed to button the suit jacket or not. You decide to leave it open for now. That should give you a sort of business casual look or something, right? Ladies love that shit. Or that’s what television has taught you, at any rate.
Not that you’re really in a place to handle love from any ladies right now. Have you ever been in a good place for that? You vaguely recall flirting with Vriska years ago while playing Sburb, but that was for, what, a day or two? You really didn’t get to know her at all until well after you’d all beaten the game and created the world you now reside on. Specifically after she and Terezi turned back up around a year and a half ago. And now she and Terezi are together, so…
Terezi… she’s another person you thought you might’ve had something with, but that was arguably more fleeting than your infatuation with Vriska, and you don’t feel like you’ve ever truly had a grasp on caliginous romance anyway. You’ll leave that one to the trolls.
And then there was Roxy. That one… that one felt real, at least for a time. But it quickly became apparent that she’d rather spend time with Calliope, and that her constant invitations were more about preventing you from being lonely than they were about her actually wanting to see you. She still sends you invitations to things, like picnics, movies, dinners, parties… You hate letting her down but you’re certain you’d just disappoint her even more if you actually dragged your depressed ass to any of that. You haven’t exactly been a source of good vibes lately.
After fiddling with the tie for a few minutes, you sigh and admit defeat. This puzzle is proving a little too complicated for you right now despite your best efforts. You slip the… is this silk? You slip the tie off and grab the mystery square. Then you march back out from behind the screen and around the mannequins. Kanaya is sitting on a stool near the table your suit came from, phone in hand. Or… palmhusk, you think trolls call it? Her head perks up as you approach, and her eyes light up as they dance across your form and her handiwork.
Her eyes fall upon the items in your hands, and she quirks a brow.
KANAYA: How Did The Tie Give You Trouble
KANAYA: I Have Seen You Wear One Before
KANAYA: Though Admittedly It Has Been Quite A While
JOHN: you know, i thought i’d know what to do too, but it turns out i just equipped the suits i wore during the game from my captchalogue. so i’ve actually got no idea how to handle this thing.
KANAYA: Ah I See
KANAYA: You Were Similarly Baffled By The Handkerchief Then
JOHN: is THAT what this is!?
KANAYA: Indeed
KANAYA: Here Let Me Help
Reaching out a hand, she takes the handkerchief, folds it, then puts it in the breast pocket of your suit jacket. She’s awfully close, you think belatedly. Grabbing the tie, she tosses it over your head, pulls it beneath your undershirt’s collar, and begins tying it expertly. Her face is very close to yours now, and it’s really quite a pretty face, isn’t it? You mean, you’ve always known Kanaya was attractive — pretty much every girl you know is. But Kanaya truly is gor — wait, no, stop, what are you even thinking?? She’s Rose’s wife, and your friend, and you do NOT need to be sexualizing her right now like some sort of creep!
KANAYA: Is There Something On My Face
Barely stifling a scream, you jerk backward, but find your movement halted by the fact that Kanaya’s hands are still grasping a tie that’s looped around your neck.
JOHN: i-i-i — NO! i was just! staring — i—i mean my mind was wandering and i kinda spaced out, sorry!
Squinting at you, her eyes flitting back and forth between each of your own, Kanaya says nothing. Then the squint disappears and her face returns to the neutral, eternally-bored expression that she usually wears.
KANAYA: Well Your Tie Is Done
KANAYA: And Thus So Is Your Outfit
KANAYA: By Which I Mean My Outfit That You Are Graciously Modelling For Me
JOHN: oh! good!
KANAYA: There Is a Mirror Over There If You Would Like To See How It Looks On You
She points behind you, and you turn to look. On the far wall there’s a long mirror with a short little stage in front of it. You walk over, watching your figure steadily grow in the mirror as you approach. Stepping cautiously on the stage, you finally give yourself a proper look-over.
It’s…
Well it certainly is you in a suit, that’s for sure. The suit looks very nice; Kanaya clearly has no small amount of skill. But you can’t say you’re particularly fond of the look when applied to yourself. You stopped wearing suits years ago for a reason, afterall.
…A reason? That’s a strange thing to think. There’s no specific reason that comes to mind, other than you just… didn’t particularly like how you looked in them. You suppose that’s what you meant by ‘reason.’
You’re surprisingly in your own head about this, so much so that you almost don’t process that Kanaya is speaking to you.
KANAYA: You Look Very Nice John
KANAYA: Dapper Is The Word I Believe
KANAYA: Thank You For Wearing It
KANAYA: Also You May Step Down Now If You Are Finished
JOHN: oh right, sorry.
KANAYA: There Is No Reason To Apologize
KANAYA: By Which I Mean Do Not Worry About It
Stepping down from the stage, you follow Kanaya back over to the table with the rest of the outfits you’ll be trying on. Just… four more! Whoo.
JOHN: so which of these bad boys are up next?
Hopefully that sounded enthusiastic enough. You might not be jazzed about this but you don’t want to be a drag for Kanaya, either. She worked hard on these outfits, you’re sure, and she works hard with the grubs, like Rose said, so she needs this, so you really need to not disappoint her. Or Rose, for that matter.
KANAYA: This One
She gestures to a black suit with a pattern of golden stars, wine glasses and asteroids.
KANAYA: But If You Do Not Want To That Is Alright
KANAYA: We Can Stop Here If That Is What You Need
JOHN: it’s fine, i really don’t mind! lemme at ‘em!
KANAYA: Are You Quite Sure
JOHN: YES!! now hand it over.
Before she can say anything else, you grab the star suit and book it over to the changing screen. You can feel her eyes on your back as you go.
Determined not to screw this up you quickly change out of the first suit, fold it up as best you can even though you’re terrible at it, then change into the new one. This one’s a little simpler than the first, with only two upper layers instead of three, and no handkerchief. There’s still a tie though, and you still don’t actually know how to put it on. You suppose Kanaya will have to help with that again, which is a bit pathetic on your part but hey, at least you didn’t accept defeat a moment ago when she’d offered it. Not that she necessarily thought of it that way, you’re sure she was just trying to be nice, but you refuse to be that pathetic today.
As you head back toward Kanaya, you find her staring at you instead of her phone, despite her sitting on the stool again and her phone sitting in her hand. She puts the phone away without looking at it as you approach.
KANAYA: Is The Tie Still Giving You Trouble
JOHN: hah, i mean, you didn’t exactly teach me how to do it earlier, you just did it yourself.
KANAYA: Do You Want Me To Teach You
JOHN oh, well... no, honestly. but if you don’t want to have to do it yourself every time—
KANAYA: I Do Not Mind
KANAYA: I Simply Thought It Might Be A Useful Skill To Learn
KANAYA: Were You So Inclined
KANAYA: Perhaps Your Reason For No Longer Wearing Suits Is That You Are Embarrassed Over Your Lack Of Skills
KANAYA: Tie Skills
JOHN: tie skills?
KANAYA: Yes
JOHN: ...
JOHN: are you trying to be funny?
KANAYA: Wow
KANAYA: Trying
KANAYA: Trying You Say
JOHN: hah! rose said you’ve gotten better at sarcasm
JOHN: and well i guess that wasn’t sarcasm, exactly, but it was pretty funny!
KANAYA: I Am Overjoyed That I Have Managed To Meet Your Clearly Rigorous Standard Of
KANAYA: Pretty Funny
JOHN: THERE’S the sarcasm! rose was right, you’re really good at it!
KANAYA: And Now I Have Reached The Highest Of Echelons
KANAYA: Really Good
KANAYA:
KANAYA: I Can Die Happy
You start laughing so hard that you snort. You wipe tears of mirth from your eyes and catch a self-satisfied smirk on Kanaya’s face, then smudge your glasses and have to take a moment to clean them with the purple undershirt of your suit. The material’s not quite right for it though… still smudgy.
KANAYA: I Can Help If Youd Like
JOHN: oh sure, thanks!
She gingerly takes your glasses and uses her black shirt to clean them. You catch a brief glimpse of her dark grey belly and look away. Really having a hard time keeping your eyes to yourself today, sheesh. You’ve got to work on your creepy tendencies if you’re going to start hanging out with people again. Especially girls. …Is it possible to look at guys disrespectfully? Probably… but you’re not sure you’re capable of it. You’re as straight as they come, afterall!
KANAYA: Chin Up Please
JOHN: wha?
A beat after you’ve raised your head, Kanaya slips your glasses back on your face, taking care not to poke you in the eyes. Your face flushes immediately. Why is she—!? She could’ve just handed— And now you’re beet red!! Oh but she’s looking away.
KANAYA: Tie Please
You hand it to her. She tosses it over your head like before and starts tucking it beneath your collar. It seems like she might not have actually noticed your blush, which is good, but the proximity of her beautiful face isn’t helping matters. You’ve got to say something, get your mind out of the hole its fallen into.
JOHN: s—so i assume your expert tie skills are from practicing with rose?
KANAYA: Indeed
KANAYA: We Learned Together And Are Both Equally Skilled At This Point
KANAYA: You Could Join Our Illustrious Ranks If You Were Interested
KANAYA: But Alas
That gets a laugh out of you, easing your inner turmoil. You’re having a fun, friendly time with a friend. Chill out and just enjoy her company.
A moment later Kanaya gestures towards the mirror again, and the two of you walk to it. You step up on the stage and look yourself over, and though you still don’t particularly like how you look, you can at least admire Kanaya’s handiwork. She compliments you again, and you appreciate the gesture, but for some reason you also kind of hate hearing it. You don’t think you want to look nice in this? That’s a weird thing to think. Shoving the thought away, you double-down on ignoring your own discomfort so that your friend can have a nice time. You will NOT let your weird unexamined hangups ruin this.
Time passes quickly once you resolve to ignore your own thoughts to the best of your ability. It’s a little harder when you’re behind the screen with little distraction beyond changing clothes, but when you’re with Kanaya it’s easy enough to do. As you cycle through the remaining three suits, Kanaya becomes more and more chatty; you think you might not have been the only one that was nervous at the beginning. It warms your heart that Kanaya seems to be feeling more and more comfortable around you. And it’s not like you’re not feeling similarly! Maybe slightly less comfortable overall, but that’s just because of the suits, which is also a thing you are ignoring, so… Rose just might get her wish of you and Kanaya becoming friends at this rate!
JOHN: i know i already said, but i really do love the cape on this one! such a great touch!
KANAYA: Thank You
KANAYA: I Am Glad It Pleases You So
JOHN: it’s just so swishy! swish swish, swish swish!
You earn a soft grin from Kanaya for the sound effects you make while swishing your cape to and fro. You bring it up to cover part of your face, leaning forward dramatically.
JOHN: blah blah! i vant to suck your blood!
KANAYA: What In The World Are You Doing
JOHN: i’m a vampire! the cape makes me feel like one! now all i need is some fangs.
KANAYA: So Now I Am To Understand That You Wish To Be A Rainbow Drinker
KANAYA: And You Have Some Incredibly Odd Preconceptions Of What That Entails
JOHN: vampire, kanaya, HUMAN vampire! not your sparkly troll vampire thing, that’s totally different.
KANAYA: I Do Not Sparkle
KANAYA: I Glow
KANAYA: And It Is My Understanding That Rainbow Drinker Fiction And Vampire Fiction Have A Great Deal Of Similarity
JOHN: does your understanding come from you reading a bunch of both?
KANAYA: It Is Possible I Have Conducted A Perfectly Reasonable Amount Of Research On The Matter
KANAYA: And My Research Has Shown That Capes Are Indeed A Recurring Element But Not A Necessary One
KANAYA: Said Research Also Offers Me No Context For Why You Would Say
KANAYA: Blah Blah
KANAYA: Or What That Accent Was About
JOHN: eh i guess it’s mostly a thing in movies and tv shows? i haven’t really read vampire books.
KANAYA: Would You Like To
KANAYA: I Have Recommendations
JOHN: only if you watch some vampire movies with me!
KANAYA: Will They Say Blah Blah In All Of These Movies
JOHN: no not all! mostly in the comedic ones. oh, but i know a vampire movie where they sparkle like you!
KANAYA: Glow
KANAYA: I Glow Egbert
The two of you dissolve into laughter. Through the tears in your eyes, you see Kanaya, one hand across her stomach and the other held a little ways in front of her mouth. Her laughter is a little more reserved than your own, but you suspect it’s no less genuine. Truth be told, you’re not sure you’ve ever seen Kanaya laugh so hard, but you’re quite sure that it’s something you’d like to experience again. Wiping a tear from her eye, Kanaya smiles at you and starts to speak.
KANAYA: Well That Was The Last Outfit
KANAYA: Once You Change Out Of It We Can Be Done For The Day
JOHN: oh, are you sure? there’s nothing else you’ve got lying around? you know while i’m here
KANAYA: Well I Do Have One Thing
KANAYA: A Dress Around Your Size Actually
KANAYA: But I Can Model It Myself Later
JOHN: ...won’t it be a little short on you, though? and... wide?
KANAYA: Perhaps A Little
KANAYA: But There Is No Need For You To Make Yourself Uncomfortable On My Account
JOHN: well, i mean, this whole thing has been un—
JOHN: i—i mean it’s fine! i don’t mind!
JOHN: how bad could it be, really?
KANAYA: Extremely If My Wifes Ectobiological Brother Is To Be Believed
JOHN: hah, of course DAVE would hate it. he’s a cool guy, they don’t wear dresses! just shades and t-shirts. suits, maybe.
JOHN: but really it’s fine, i don’t mind! it’s not like anyone but you will see.
KANAYA: If You Insist
She hands the dress over and you beeline toward the changing screen. You’re actually far from thrilled to be doing this, but something within you felt it was only right to offer, and now here you are. You can’t imagine it will be any worse than the suits have been. Should be easier to put on, at least, given it’s just the one piece.
Shuffling out of the cape and then the rest of the suit piece by piece, you don’t pay much attention as you slip the dress on; you’ve been pretty mentally checked out of the whole dressing and undressing thing since the third suit. Though you’re sure you look ridiculous in this thing, you can at least admit that it’s more comfortable than any of the suits proved to be. The swishiness is pretty fun, too. Even more than the cape. This experience is novel, if nothing else!
As you head back to Kanaya, you find your eyes avoiding her face. She’s probably just stifling a laugh, or wearing one of those smirks of hers.
KANAYA: To
You hear her clear her throat.
KANAYA: To The Mirror Then
She rushes past you, much more quickly than you expect. Huh, she must be ready to be done with this. You can’t blame her, it’s probably getting late. Hurrying after her, you once more find yourself appreciating the swishiness of the fabric around your legs. You waste no time stepping up onto the stage, but… you decide not to look up at the mirror. You didn’t enjoy how you looked in the suits, and you can’t imagine this is better. Undoubtedly you look ridiculous, and you’d really rather just… not see it.
KANAYA: John
KANAYA:
KANAYA: John
KANAYA:
KANAYA: Egbert Why Are You Not Looking At This
Dammit, you’ve come so far, don’t ruin this for Kanaya now! Of course she wants you to admire her handiwork! Though it takes some effort, you force yourself to glance at the mirror. Yep, that certainly is…
Is…
Is that YOU?
There is a girl in the mirror. A girl with shoulder-length black hair and square glasses and a really cute blue dress. The dress leaves the girl’s shoulders bare, with short sleeves partway down either arm. The tops of the sleeves and of the dress are lightly ruffled. The part of the dress that covers her chest is purposefully loose, obscuring what exactly is going on underneath there. The dress pinches around the middle then poofs out a little and falls to around her knees. It looks amazing on her.
It looks amazing on YOU.
It should look absurd, right? It should make you feel like a clown, or a jester or something. But it doesn’t. It makes you feel amazing! You feel light as, well… air! Your legs might be hairy, and you might not actually have any breasts underneath that fabric, but… you could be mistaken as a girl right now! And that’s… not something you ever expected you’d be able to think.
KANAYA: John I Realize That I Have Complimented Your Appearance Several Times Before Now
KANAYA: But When I Say That You Look Absolutely Gorgeous In This Dress
KANAYA: Please Understand That You Truly Do Look
KANAYA: Utterly Gorgeous
KANAYA: In This Dress
KANAYA: I Know That Boys Often Have Strange Hangups When It Comes To Dresses And Words Like Gorgeous Being Applied To Them
KANAYA: But If You Do Not Mind Such Words Overmuch I Believe The Most Accurate Ones To Describe You In That Dress Would Be
KANAYA: Beautiful Stunning And Transcendent
You’re so enraptured by your own appearance that Kanaya’s words just wash over you at first. But as your brain slowly processes everything that she’s saying, strange but not necessarily unpleasant emotions flood through your system, making your cheeks go hot. Her earlier compliments might not have done much for you, but these ones? You’re not sure you’ve ever enjoyed compliments so much. But maybe… maybe you shouldn’t??
She’s not wrong that most boys probably wouldn’t revel in praise like that. You had always thought that your vague yearning to ‘try out’ being a girl was a thing all guys felt, but now that you’re living the fantasy for a moment you suddenly feel deathly sure that this is NOT something that would be considered normal, and is NOT something you should be open about. You hadn’t been paying much attention to your face, which you now realize has a big smile on it to go with the blush. But that won’t do, you’ve got to stop or you’re going to be found out and you don’t know what will happen then.
The smile’s gone. Your expression is calm, neutral. You are feeling totally neutral about this! Hopefully Kanaya can appreciate the clear depths of your neutrality and how obvious they now are upon your face. You step off the stage and walk as neutrally but also as quickly as possible to the changing screen. Kanaya might’ve been saying something? You don’t remember. The dress comes off and with a thought the god tier outfit is on and you are walking back to Kanaya who is saying some words and you hand her the dress and you thank her very much for the pleasant company this fine afternoon and you bid her farewell and you exit the room.
Then you remember that you do not actually know how to get to the front door from here. But on second thought this is not an issue when you have retcon powers that allow you to zap literally wherever (and whenever) you want. Oh, is Kanaya approaching, saying some more words? You wave right before you zap yourself home. And then you kinda just… collapse a little, as all the tension in your body releases at once.
Why did you react that way to the dress and to Kanaya’s praise? Is something wrong with you? …Maybe this is what crossdressers feel like? Are you a crossdresser? You know nothing about them besides, you know, the fact that they crossdress. Do they do it because it makes them feel as happy as you just did? That would make a lot of sense. Huh. Maybe you’re a crossdresser. But also they go pretty flamboyant with how they dress, right? You were just wearing a simple dress. Maybe that’s just how it starts, or maybe there’s some other thing that you just don’t know about? You really know very little about gay stuff. You know there’s gay, and lesbian, and bi, and then pan but you don’t know what that one means exactly. None of that is gender stuff, though… isn’t there gender stuff? Crossdressers are gay, right? But you don’t like guys, not like that, so… maybe not a crossdresser. Ugh, this stuff is confusing! It’s all WAY too much to think about right now.
And maybe it’s irrelevant. You’re obviously far from an expert, but all this conjecture is based on ONE event. In the name of science you really need to test this hypothesis some more before you start jumping to conclusions. But you can’t… you can’t just go BUY girl clothes. That would be mortifying.
No, there’s no other choice, really. You’ll just have to model for Kanaya again. As soon as humanly possible.