Work Text:
#1
Minho's first kiss is on the swing set in the playground he grew up in with one of his best friends.
It's not as romantic as it sounds. For one, Minho is thirteen and Seungmin is a year younger than him. His hands and mouth are sticky with the peach ice cream he had been eating and on the swing right from his, Seungmin is the same with his orange flavoured. Even as young as this, he and Seungmin are people who cannot be mixed.
Even though the kiss is a light press of Seungmin's lips, cold and orange flavoured, against his, the taste lingers and he makes a sour face. Seungmin must feel the same distaste because his nose is scrunched and his eyes furrowed.
He had wanted to ask Seungmin if his classmates were teasing him when he had complained that the boys in his class were discussing their first kisses. Wanted to tell him that twelve was a reasonable age to not have kissed anyone, but Seungmin had asked for his permission before moving forward and Seungmin is not Jisung who Minho feels the need to protect, whose every whim Minho feels the need to give into. But Minho nodded and let him.
Now, all Minho says is, "You taste disgusting." but he does not bring the ice cream back to his lips to wash it away.
"I could say the same for you." Seungmin is wiping his lips with his sleeve, the stickiness staining its hem and Minho wants to reach out and stop him from ruining it further. But Seungmin wasn't someone who needed Minho to take care of him so he opts to simply watch the mess Seungmin makes.
"Oi, you both were supposed to come to the sandpit after you were done with your sticks", Han Jisung shouts stumbling towards them on his short legs, his smile large and excited even as his eyes are accusing. "How have you not finished them yet?"
And Minho discards his ice cream in the bin and chases Jisung to the sandpit.
#2
The second time Kim Seungmin kisses him is during a drinking game.
Minho is graduating soon. Graduating and leaving behind his younger friends. Except that he is the one that feels left behind. Where it had been Seungmin and Jisung, it's now Seungmin and Jisung and Felix and Hyunjin. Their friend group has grown and become closer but as his graduation draws closer, he cannot help but feel like the odd one out among the same-age friends.
As it is, Jisung needles him to take them to a party, whining to the universe miserably "Minho hyung is leaving and he will be missed and won't Minho hyung like the honour of taking us to their first-party". But Minho isn't fooled in the slightest. His friends are going to be in their juniors and he knows what they get up to. He will not be fooled. But then Seungmin adds to Jisung's insistence, holds the hem of Minho's sleeve and gives his best puppy-like expression and says, "Hyung, won't you take us to a party, please?" And it's Seungmin who rarely requests Minho anything and Minho never stood a chance when he is against both Jisung and Seungmin.
Behind him Jisung cackles, and shouts "Weak." but Minho feels merciful and ignores him.
Even though he knows all of his younger friends go to parties, it's still surreal seeing them out of their comfortable clothes and into ones that are more fitted, more revealing. He remembers when Jisung snot-covered child when Seungmin used to run around in too large stained sweaters so here; it's like seeing completely different people. The mascara makes Seungmin's eyelashes look even longer and the liner darkens Jisungs' eyes. They look like different people.
And seeing them drink one shit after another, Minho looks at his glass dejectedly before putting it aside. At least, one of them should be sober.
Minho watches his closest friends until someone calls for a game of spin the bottle and even over the din of the music hears them shout in assent. And he has already given in before they even turn towards him.
Spin the bottle is easily one of his favourite drinking games because of the little work it requires. His bottle lands on a couple of people; a girl who blushes after he kisses her, Jisung, who he kisses softly until he breaks away to proclaim, "Minho hyung likes kisses!", making Minho laugh and Felix, who he kisses passionately because an overwhelmed Felix is a cute Felix.
Halfway through the game, Seungmin's turn lands on him. Seungmin, with pretty eyes lashes and fire in his eyes, crawls towards him, comes closer until Minho can count the blemishes on his skin. Closer until all Minho sees are his teasing eyes, his eyelashes sweeping his cheek when he blinks. His hands, hot and burning as they settle on Minho's shoulder.
"Scared hyung?" He teases with alcohol on his breath and does not let Minho answer with a retort he does not have.
This time the kiss is leagues different from the first one they had; the quick press of lips.
But it's also unlike the slow and quick kisses Seungmin had been giving people around the circle.
Minho vaguely wonders who else Seungmin had been kissing because even though his lips are clumsy and a little slow, they move with intent, as if they had forgotten a technique instead of not having known it in the first place.
His lips slide against Minho's, backed by experience and Minho tastes the bitter alcohol when he swipes his tongue on Minho's lower lip. Seungmin's light hands are now fisting on the shoulder of his shirt and suddenly he is all too aware of his hands, unsure whether to place them. On Seungmin's broad shoulders for support? On his waist for stability? but Seungmin's mouth and hands on his body are too much for his sanity as it is, so fists them in the carpet, knuckles white with restraint.
Seungmin keeps his lips on Minho's until someone wolf whistles and Seungmin stumbles back startled, his alcohol-ridden body, slow and uncoordinated. He blinks slowly and laughs into Minho's mouth. "You are no fun, hyung" before Jisung drags him back to his place so that the game can continue.
It takes him the whole ride back home to realize he had never kissed back.
#3
During the Christmas break, Minho travels to Seoul. It is not that he is overly attached to his parents, who are likely to be working on Christmas eve than not and his roommate Chan did promise him an eventful Christmas had he chosen to stay at the dorms but the part of him that misses his friends, wants to go back. He wants to spend one Christmas with them before they graduate and leave, afraid that it could be their last one together in a long while.
Jisung and Seungmin both are seniors now. Jisung speaks excitedly about universities he is applying to every time he texts whereas Seungmin's texts grow lesser every passing day. Seungmin, who he has not seen for months because of the exchange program he had applied for, last summer Minho was home before university. Seungmin, who Minho is scared of will disappear from his life if he lets him.
Coming home, even without his parents available is still comforting. The four younger boys have invaded his house, Seungmin and Felix content with decorating the tree while Jisung and Hyunjin tape mistletoes to every available surface. When Minho complains -after seeing both Hyunjin and Jisung kiss Felix and each other- how impossible it was becoming to move around without being kissed in the house anymore, Jisung simply sticks his tongue out and shouts “I’m also doing you a favour,” his cryptic wink only adding to Minho’s confusion.
Minho and Seungmin, on the other hand, are spared for the time being, only because neither of them moves from their respective places. but when Seungmin’s phone rings and he moves to attend to it, he inevitably ends up under the mistletoe with someone.
Jisung lets out a laugh, grabbing Seungmin's waist by one hand and settling his other hand on his neck, before landing a wet kiss a tad too close to Seungmin’s mouth.
Minho expects Seungmin to screech and push Jisung away or at least scold him but all Seungmin does is throw his head, and lightly slap Jisung's shoulders, his amused laugh ringing in Minho's ear even after Seungmin steps out of the doorway.
Jisung turns around to face the room victoriously and although Hyunjin feeds his ego by whistling, Minho frowns, unable to share the same sentiments.
He thinks of how much had changed in the five months he has been away, just as an ugly feeling takes root in his abdomen. Hyunjin and Felix are already an established thing and the thought of Seungmin and Jisung on their way to being one too leaves a sour taste in his mouth.
Seungmin and Jisung are his first and closest friends and despite being happy for them a twisted part of him wishes they wouldn't end up together. Watching Seungmin and Jisung fall for each other would break him. learning to smile as they get immersed in each other, Minho demoted from best friend to bystander. The thought alone of losing his best friends makes the air feel heavy.
He does realize his thoughts are derailing, reading into something that's not present but the realization that it could happen, and if it did Minho would not be okay with it for a while puts even the logical part of his brain to shame. The guilt and unwarranted hurt war in his head until instead of warm, the air feels suffocating and he has to move, out in the fresh air, has to learn how to breathe again. His legs are mindlessly carrying him out, hands already opening the doorway over which the cursed mistletoe hangs, only to
"Ooff-"
-bump into Seungmin.
Seungmin has his phone in one hand, screen blank, apparently having attended and finished the call while Minho was stuck in his head. His eyes are wide but Minho's eyes are drawn towards his lips parted in shock, as if seeing them for the first time, suddenly remembering this is the person he has kissed twice.
He feels an overwhelming urge to do it again, just to see what Seungmin would taste this time around
"Do you have two left feet, Kim-" He begins instead because his head and mouth move on different wavelengths, only for Jisung to interrupt.
"Kiss already!!!"
Minho turns, scared and surprised at being read so easily. There is an apology on his tongue, his eyes glancing at Jisung and then Seungmin again only to find Seungmin's attention on something above their heads; the mistletoe.
Ah
There is a mistletoe over their heads.
Minho thinks of the last two kisses with Seungmin that had been so different from each other and yet so Seungmin and wonders what this one would be like.
Only to notice Seungmin hesitating, picking at the hems of sleeves, no longer looking at Minho, like he has avoided all day and he feels his hopes crash, euphoria fading away. Seungmin does not want to be kissed.
"KISS HIM, Seungmin" Hyunjin hollers, as Jisung cackles at his best friend's discomfort in the background, "your boyfriend will understand"
Boyfriend?
"Boyfriend?" Minho whirls around and asks. "Seungmin has a boyfriend?"
Whatever expression Minho is wearing must be comical because Hyunjin dissolves in howls of laughter and Jisung manages to squeak out "met this kid-" another giggle "summe-pfft exchange" before doing the same.
A hand comes to grasp his sleeve and he hears Seungmin vehemently proclaim "Jeongin is not my boyfriend."
Hyunjin and Jisung cackle even more as if this were a joke they had cracked too many times and Minho feels like a robot whose setting has been set on repeat and echo.
"Jeongin?"
Felix takes mercy on him and helps, "Jeongin is a junior Minnie met on the exchange programme. Minnie is fond of him and they text often." Felix ends with a shrug but Minho tastes sour on his tongue.
Seungmin has been texting him so rarely and when he does the texts are impersonal and short and to know that Seungmin hasn't been just busy but has been instead involved with other people causes Minho physical pain.
Thinking about Seungmin falling for other people hurts more than the thought of him and Jisung had. Maybe because Seungmin and Jisung had been afraid but Seungmin one day reciprocating someone's love is not only an almost inevitable possibility but also one that shakes Minho to his core.
And with that, the ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach has a name. Jealousy. Minho is jealous.
It’s on that Christmas Eve, with snow in Seungmin's hair, heaviness in Minho's heart and surrounded by their friends, Minho realizes he is in love. In love with the boy with whom he has spent his childhood. With the boy, who has kissed him exactly twice. Kim Seungmin, who Minho is close to losing already.
His mind is still reeling but this time when Seungmin tugs his sleeve, he moves to face Seungmin easily. As if the realization that this man was the one he loves had strengthened Seungmin's hold over him.
Unlike the other three, there is no humour in Seungmin's expression. His mouth is folded into a thin line, a frown lying between his brow. "Hyung, '' he says, eyes imploring and his voice had a desperate edge. "Hyung, I'm not dating anyone." And if believing is what would ease Seungmin, Minho would be a worshipper.
"Okay," Minho whispers because there is nothing else he can do, doesn't know what he would do if he was.
Seungmin sighs echoing Minho's sentiments of relief, his shoulders relaxing as if they had started to melt and Minho's eyes catch and imprint every flex and contraction of the muscles. Kim Seungmin is beautiful and Minho drinks the sight of him as a thirsty man on death's door.
"KISS ALREADY" Jisung shouts impatiently, and Minho realizes both of them are still standing underneath the mistletoe, blocking the hallway.
Seungmin's strained smile turns into something cocky and before Minho realizes, Seungmin moves forward and brushes his lips against the tip of Minho's nose.
Minho reels back half amused and half disappointed as Jisung shouts "spoilsport!!' and Seungmin and Jisung go back to their squabbling
Once the night falls, Hyunjin and Felix bid goodbye but when Seungmin tries to take his shoes out of the rack, Minho holds onto him as Seungmin had held onto him under the mistletoe.
"Stay" Minho whispers, careful not to wake Jisung who lies asleep, a few metres away on the couch.
"The night?" He inquires and Minho replies with, "with me" instead, knowing Seungmin understands. Seungmin's eyes become softer before he lets the shoes fall on the floor and his head onto Minho's shoulder.
He does not tell Minho what's wrong but Minho knows whatever it was had been resolved. Minho is forgiven. Minho falls asleep holding Seungmin like they had when they were younger and wakes up to seven texts from Seungmin pestering him for free breakfast.
#4
Minho thinks it's a stroke of luck that Seungmin and Jisung end up at his university. But maybe luck has little to do with it and it's more of there being lesser arts universities in Seoul than fingers on his hand, but for whatever reason, he does not complain. Felix and Hyunjin get into a competitive dance program he hadn't been able to but he is happy they both get to be together.
but being away for a year has skewed their dynamics in a way addition to groups could never have. It's just that a year has distanced them. He knows the new details about them for sure, with Jisung's tendency to overshare and Seungmin's promise to text him more often after the Christmas debacle but they have lived through these details with each other.
Their closeness doesn't unnerve Minho. He has long since tamed the demon in his chest that screams mine mine mine at the sight of Seungmin. He did see it coming, Jisung and Seungmin, born only a week apart. They had always been close but when younger, they had competed for his attention; the cool senior that chose to spend time with them. Now, they share the same apartment, walk together ahead, conversation and secrets between them Minho is not privy to.
For example, on one of their visits to the coffee shop after Minho had been surrendered the packet of sugar to Seungmin after struggling to open it, Minho had noticed Jisung shooting a shit-eating grin over at Seungmin and Seungmin had dismissively thrown a napkin at him in place of an answer.
Or when a girl from his ethics comes to ask for notes, Minho had spotted them shooting looks at each other before Jisung had lightly placed his hand on Seungmin's elbow and all but dragged him away. Away from whatever thing that had caused Seungmin's shoulders to stiffen and away from Minho.
Or the disappointed look Seungmin threw in Jisung's direction when Jisung moved to sit between the side-rest of the couch and Seungmin, ending up half on Seungmin's lap instead of the space between Minho and Seungmin.
He feels left out, the third person. It's not like he reads too much into it on most days, but today, he is sick and he is sad and his roommate is slaving away, cooped in his room for work and he may just want company without putting effort into it.
He looks mournfully at the door bundled up in a horde of blankets and as if the universe is listening to him, the door creaks open and Kim Seungmin walks in. As if Minho had to only wish and want, and Seungmin would come to him. It is a dangerous thought.
"What are you doing here?" Minho croaks, his voice hoarse with disuse and sickness
"Bringing you medicines, because you are a big baby," Seungmin replies, still not looking at him, his lower lip between his teeth, attention focused solely on the three boxes balanced on hand that look ready to topple over. His other hand holds a bag of what Minho assumes are medicines and it looks like Seungmin came prepared to find Minho sick. Minho feels fondness grow in his heart.
"You weren't answering your texts." Seungmin answers his unvoiced question, “and you always answer your texts so I asked the dance academy about you and they said you called in sick.”
Minho thinks of the glaring red double digits above his social media apps and decides he has never met someone as stupid as Seungmin, because Seungmin is opening boxes and who cooks food for people for ghosting someone?
It smells like his mom’s kimchi and he does not want to lose homemade food privileges but teasing Seungmin is ingrained in his subconscious, easy and safe to fall into.
“Waaaah, does Jisung know you burnt your place down?”
Seungmin shoots him a glare, but to Minho's relief does not stop unboxing. “Don’t think that highly of yourself hyung, I would never cook for you. I bought these from the place that opened recently.” he grimaces and if Minho hadn’t known him better, hadn’t known the smell of Seungmin’s mother’s kimchi, did not recognize the telltale red of ears for what they meant, he would have believed Seungmin.
So Minho knows, and Seungmin knows he knows and maybe it's the sickness in his veins or the vulnerable expression on Seungmin’s face but this one time Minho lets it slide. He eats whatever Seungmin offers and obediently swallows the meds while Seungmin watches from the edge of the bed.
Even in his half-drowsy state, he thinks Seungmin is the prettiest person he has ever laid eyes on. Drowned in a lavender jumper, hands playing with his sleeves as he sits patiently at the edge of the bed.
Maybe that is the reason a part of Minho’s resolve breaks and when Seungmin moves to leave, Minho holds onto his sleeve. It is so selfish, he is sick and it is probably contagious but Minho is a big baby and he wants Seungmin to hold him, even if it is under the guise of comfort and he wants more than he is allowed to have but for once, he also wants to play pretend.
And because Seungmin knows him, Minho needs to only look at him and then the space beside Minho for him to understand. Seungmin settles into the small gap between Minho and the wall, his arms around Minho’s waist and his head pillowed at Minho’s chest.
“Big baby,” Seungmin whispers and Minho makes a noise in protest but does not argue.
Seungmin's hair smells faintly of the lilies and he is so warm and the heat under the blanket must be uncomfortable for him but even still Minho wishes he could bring him closer, wishes he could hold time still but more than anything he wishes he could enjoy that moment before the painkillers inevitably drag him into a deep slumber.
Warm, comfortable and halfway asleep, he dreams of warm but dry lips pressed to the forehead as Seungmin moves in his arms.
#5
Out of the three of them, it's Jisung that decides to not go home; opting to stay in Seoul to keep Changbin -the man Jisung makes rap with and who has his metaphoric heart- company. And if Jisung won't go home, Seungmin won't either and Minho's home has been where the two of them are.
Minho can tell Jisung is infatuated with Changbin. If not only by the way Jisung talks about him, stars in his eyes and constantly, then because these days more often than not, it's Seungmin and Minho rather than Minho and Seungmin and Jisung.
Their movie nights are still a thing and Jisung is there for all his events so Minho really cannot complain much. Minho does not want to complain much. He might love Jisung like a younger brother, but he will take and cherish every little moment that he gets with Seungmin, alone or with company, even if he is Seungmin's second choice, Jisung's replacement.
It still comes as a surprise when Jisung cancels their Christmas Eve plans to the market. Seungmin tells him a week before; clearly upset his eyes looking anywhere but at Minho.
He dons his best outfit, only to come back in another and then change into another, heart racing before he is kicked out by an annoyed Chan, who lets him borrow his tie before abandoning him to the cold curb and his panicked thoughts.
The reality is Minho knows that Christmas Eve isn't a date but Minho still gets to spend the evening with Seungmin and it's even predicted to be the first snow of the year so screw him, Minho wants to believe that in an alternate reality, their doppelgangers get to go on a date instead.
(When Minho comes to pick Seungmin, the platform shoes Jisung wears to each special occasion are stashed away in a corner. Minho tries to not think what this could mean)
Minho and Seungmin buy less stuff and roam more. Unlike the beginning of the day, Minho has to actively try to convince himself he is not on a date with Seungmin-for it resembles one too greatly- lest he move forward and irrevocably destroy one of his closest friendships.
And when Seungmin looks at him, the skin around the eyes crinkling, lips pressed together to suppress his laughter, It's so easy to let himself believe that Seungmin could be in love with Minho too. That Seungmin could want the same things.
It's fun and it's comforting and Minho feels guilty admitting he doesn't remember enjoying something as much as this little day with Seungmin.
Light snow crowns Seungmin's head as he tugs Minho forward, the echo of Seungmin's laugh as he takes a picture of Minho fumbling with his too-hot coffee, Seungmin's smile is bathed in the warm lighting of the coffee shop, in the cold street where Seungmin snaps a picture of him under the fairy lights. They are all moments Minho cherishes.
Once they are drained, Seungmin insists on dropping Minho back to his dorm first despite his complaints. He even comes up to the fourth floor with him, only to deny Minho's offer of coming inside. When Minho gives him a deadpanned look, Seungmin rubs the back of his neck.
"It would be bad manners to not leave my date at their doorstep." He mumbles to the floor and something swells in Minho's chest, rising and expanding even as he tries to not let it show.
"Kim Seungmin, did you really take me on a date at the coffee shop?" Minho teases.
"Hyung please stop trying to make it look cheap, we did go to other places and I didn't wanna come off as overbearing" Seungmin whines, his head tipping his head backwards, eyes closed and he looks so ethereal that Minho is unable to believe that he exists in the same world as him.
"Next time I expect to be taken to a proper place, you get it? The proper wine and dine experience" Minho pesters, teasingly wagging his finger under Seungmin's nose
Seungmin's eyes light up and he repeats "next time-" only to be cut off by his phone.
He looks at it before passing Minho a rueful look "Jisung is here I should go."
And Minho wishes just for today to pull Seungmin inside; inside his shitty dorm, inside his messy room and right into the centre of his life where he belongs.
But it's too dark already and if asks Seungmin to stay now, he might just never want to let him go.
"Hyung." Seungmin's shaky voice interrupts his thoughts and that is the only warning Minho gets before large heavy hands are cupping his face with purpose and he is kissed.
A thousand thoughts fly into Minho's head but before he can make sense of anything, soft lips detach from his and Seungmin whispers, his hot breath tickling his hyperaware mouth, "you have no idea how long I have wanted to do this, Minho hyung. I really like you." And then he rushes down the stairs, the phone still ringing before Minho has the chance to recover and reply.
+1
Dating him is everything Minho had expected. It's unbelievable, exciting and extremely fragile.
Seungmin takes him to dates, sometimes the cliché, movies and dinner while other times he just picks Minho after work and drives to the nearby cat cafe. And yet, Minho has not felt flustered even when he was a teenager.
Where before Seungmin's every touch had been electricity, now it burns, brands Minho, his mind haywire. And he is scared that if he lets it, the fire will burn and consume not only him but Seungmin as well.
Seungmin kisses him after he brings him home after every date. A small peck on lips, fleeting and as customary as he supposes walking him to his dorm was. It takes Minho every ounce of his will to not hold him by the lapels of his jacket, bring him closer and take, take, take. Ask him to stay in his shitty dorm and let Minho hold him.
But despite all this, there is something wrong underneath. Behind Seungmin's beautiful smiles, his eyes are scared. Where each touch burns, it comes lesser too, hesitant. It is almost as if Seungmin is scared to touch him.
He has wanted Seungmin for years and fate mocks him by keeping him further away from him now when Seungmin is his boyfriend. This distance is worse than the coldness Seungmin had shown two years ago. Seungmin works a furnace and ice in his demeanour eventually thaws but Minho isn't sure what to make of a Seungmin who refuses to admit and show that he is upset.
Nevertheless, Minho will take anything Seungmin throws his way; his hesitant touches, and his sincere smiles. Take until Seungmin inevitably lets himself realize this will fail and even then Minho will accept whatever Seungmin decides.
So, like a man who knows death is stalking his steps, he cherishes every moment Seungmin gives him.
He loves Seungmin enough to want to consume him, loves him enough to let him go.
So Minho is slightly confused when Seungmin insinuates that it is Minho who might not want him. As if Minho does not spend every moment away from Seungmin, awake or asleep, looking forward to when he is allowed to touch and hold Seungmin again.
They are in Seungmin's room, watching an anime. Seungmin seems to have little interest in the show itself and more in making sarcastic quips and eliciting laughs out of Minho.
And just for today, Minho tries to not think of the small streak of distance between them, a distance Minho could easily cross under the guise of discomfort. Across this distance lies the problem and Minho is not willing to trade the lax, comfortable Seungmin laughing beside him -teeth visible, body shaking and Minho wants to pin him down and greedily swallow his laugh- for the conversation that has to happen eventually.
Somewhere around the third movie, Seungmin yawns quips having dwindled in the last hour, eyes lidded and Minho tries to excuse himself.
"I should let you sleep, sweetheart. It's pretty late."
He moves out of the bed, pushing the covers aside-
-only for a hand to graze his. It does not hold him, but it does not have to. It's Seungmin's and Minho reflexively stops and turns.
Seungmin is sitting up, hair ruffled, and sleep on his face. He rubs his eye with his fist and hides yet another yawn behind his sweater sleeve. Climbs over Minho to get out of the bed.
"You can stay the night, hyung, it is late and it's not like you have not stayed before." Seungmin states as he searches through his closet, his body turned away from Minho.
The truth is Minho has stayed the night. Stayed over in their apartment enough that Jisung had demanded he pay a third of the rent, but has never slept anywhere near Seungmin's bed and even less at the apartment after he and Seungmin started dating. Being offered to do so shoots adrenalin in his blood, warmth and restlessness warring within his body.
He simply hums in assent, struggling to not seem as eager as he feels and Seungmin nods, more to his clothes than to Minho.
"I'll change then if it's okay? it's too hot and uncomfortable to sleep in these" he says lightly, still not looking at Minho and starts stripping out of his sweater the warmth in Minho expands and grows until his fingertips tingle and there is fire under his cheeks.
"I'll look away," Minho says hotly, eyes averting and Seungmin lets out an aborted laugh.
"I know you don't like me like that hyung, don't worry," Seungmin scoffs with his eyes downcast and a frustrated turn at the side of his mouth, speaking more to himself than to Minho.
Minho still freezes at his words, the absurdity of them.
Seungmin must notice the change in his peripheral vision because he stops removing his shirt to face Minho, looking at him for the first time in the last five minutes.
The tips of his ears are red and his eyes wide, like a deer caught in headlights, as if he had accidentally voiced something he had not meant to bring up. Seungmin opens his mouth, snaps it shut and opens it again but Minho moves to interrupt before Seungmin can take it back. Despite his cowardice, he feels the urge to fix this. Whatever this is, whatever broken thing is causing Seungmin pain.
"Kim Seungmin," he growls, "what is that supposed to mean."
And maybe it comes out a little offended and a little angry, an unintentional reaction.
"I- nothing. Hyung. I just think…" Seungmin stutters meekly, his usual polite mask overcome by fear. His hand moves upward to grasp his collar as he does when he is unsure and Minho had not realized whatever had been going on had been causing him this much turmoil.
He moves forward on instinct, desiring to hold Seungmin and to reassure him, his fears forgotten in the face of Seungmin's own-
-But Seungmin steps back breathing erratically, looking at the door and back at Minho.
"Hyung, I forgot i- I had to help Jisung with… something." He says in one breath. "You can take my bed."
And before Minho realizes what is happening; his mind still processing the word vomit Seungmin had spewed, his body is lunging toward Seungmin. However, Seungmin has thrown one fearful look back and all but sprinted away from the room, away from Minho, his sleeve barely escaping Minho's grasp, leaving Minho to stare at the space instead.
A second later, he hears a door snap shut and then, the click of the lock and it rings in his ears as if sealing whatever has happened into place. And even then, it takes him more time to come back to his senses and comprehend what has happened.
He stumbles out of the room, into the hallway and bangs Jisung's door so hard it shakes at the corners.
"Jisung, open the door"
"Hyung, I'm - I'm in the middle of something. Can't do that right now." Jisung squeaks out, his voice too high-pitched for it to be the truth.
Jisung -who has never denied Minho anything- is lying, albeit obviously and somehow the stakes seem to have doubled and Minho wonders how he ended up messing up so much.
He pounds the door a little more.
"Jisung, please come on" his voice, more pleading than it was demanding. "Let me talk to him."
He stays there for a long time, head thumped in the door hoping one of them would talk to him about this, until he hears an aborted sob, that is hurriedly muffled, followed by Jisung's shushing and cooing noises.
He dejectedly recedes to Seungmin's room and into his bed, unable to listen more.
He doesn't sleep, maybe because he feels he doesn't deserve to or maybe because he is unable to forget. The bed smells of Seungmin; the covers the pillows and Minho can't help but be haunted by his words, his fear and his sobs.
He leaves before the blue of the sky is overcome by red, turning around the pillows, hoping Seungmin attributes their wetness to drool instead.
In retrospect, everything happens over a short period. Two weeks of dating Seungmin followed by four days of complete silence.
He does try to not text or call Seungmin, knows Seungmin won't answer, knows Minho is not wanted right now, but he has restrained himself for almost a decade and desperation makes him selfish.
Jisung does not text a lot either. Maybe guilty over being an accomplice in hiding his boyfriend from him, or maybe for choosing a side but when he does, it's comforting lies Minho knows better to let himself believe. Nonetheless, when Jisung randomly requests to come over to his dorm, Minho uses it as an excuse to skip his anthropology class and spends the morning with his face buried in his pillow.
However, half an hour later, instead of the banging of the door and loud shouts that were supposed to announce Jisung's arrival, there is a slight rap of knuckles on the door and Minho stumbles to run and throw the door open.
"Seungmin."
"I… Jisung said Chan hyung wanted to give him the USB but he had class right now so I'm here."
It has been four days since he has laid eyes on his boyfriend and even with the addition of bags under his eyes and a slightly confused frown decorating his forehead, Seungmin is a sight for sore eyes. He is dressed in his windbreaker, ruffled hair framing his face and Minho wants nothing but to fix this so that he could hold him.
"Chan hyung isn't home." He voices out, disappointment clear in his tone and Seungmin lets out an aborted hum in answer.
Minho doubts Chan had to give Jisung anything. Chan hasn't been home for a full day and Minho recognizes this for what it is. An intervention.
"Jisung said…" Seungmin tries before the confused frown smooths as his eyes enlarge with clarity and then turn murderous as he reaches the same conclusion Minho had seconds ago.
He opens his mouth again before clamping it shut and Minho waits for him.
"I should just get going then." He says quickly, turning on his heel ready to depart. Runoff as Minho waits patiently on the doorstep, leaving Minho to stare at his unread message and unanswered calls for the upcoming days
Minho feels the sadness morph into ugly anger. anger at himself and anger at Seungmin.
He takes Seungmin by the wrist and pulls him in, tugging him like a ragged doll. He watches Seungmin's eyes widen and then become downcast as he lets himself be dragged into the elder's dorm.
"What is wrong with you?" Minho growls once he has manhandled Seungmin onto the couch.
He wants to take Seungmin's shoulders, shake him, pry answers from his extensively bitten lips. He wants to fight Seungmin, fight for him. But Seungmin folds into himself and when Minho raises his eyes to look into Seungmin's, he promptly bursts into tears.
Anger gives in to guilt and worry and Minho drops his knees quickly, half kneeling on the floor and takes Seungmin's cold hands into his.
"Minnie", he softly calls the crying boy. "Tell me what's wrong. How is hyung hurting you?"
Seungmin tightens his hold on the hands and hunches his back even further. His fringe hides his face from view but the intensity of his sobs increases. And Minho feels helpless, his chest squeezing as if he is the one crying out in pain.
"Seungmin seeing you in pain causes me pain as well. What's wrong, sweetheart?"
And then finally Seungmin looks at him, grasps his shoulders and burrows himself in Minho's chest.
"I'm sorry, hyung. I'm so sorry"
Sorry?
Minho raises his arms and winds them around Seungmin's lean waist, rubbing circles into his back in a useless attempt to soothe him.
"Minnie, come on tell hyung why you are sorry."
"I- I- messed up hyung. I really mess up everything." Seungmin wails into his neck between sobs.
There is a patch on Minho's shirt wet with Seungmin's tears and drool but Minho wants to tug him even closer, the lines between them gone as if becoming one with Seungmin will help him understand.
"Hey, whatever you did, we can fix it alright, just please stop crying."
"Hyung. No, I'm sorry for being so selfish even though I know this isn't what you want."
Pause, rewind, repeat.
"Wait, want…"
"I know you agreed to this because you did not want to hurt my feelings, I know I'm not who you want. But I'm so selfish, even then I keep taking advantage of your kindness. I promised myself I'll take whatever you allow me to have, but I want more and it's not fair to you to be trapped in this relationship."
And despite his words, Seungmin tightens his hold on Minho, his hand fisting in Minho's shirt.
"Trapped Seungmin, what are you on about?" Minho whispers horrified. "Who is even giving these ideas?"
He receives no answer but the body in his arms stops the vigorous shaking and goes taut with attention.
"Seungmin I swear to god, do I look like a person who would be in a relationship because he couldn't say no? Do I look like a person who would do that to you?"
Seungmin finally dislodges from his shoulders, his sobs having reduced to occasional sniffles. There are still tears in his eyes and a sad tilt to the left corner of his mouth but it's with determination he whispers the next words as if he has steeled himself for them.
"You have never kissed me. Not even once. Not before we were dating and never after."
Never kissed him back? That can't be true. Seungmin and he have shared multiple kisses, surely one of them must have been initiated by Minho. Minho looks back and the more he racks his brain to find an instant, the further his heart descends towards his stomach.
"It's okay for you to not like them in the first place. But I have seen you kiss your other dates." Seungmin sadly continues beside him, wriggling himself out of Minho's arms, placing himself on the floor at a distance from Minho and leaning against the couch.
As he moves, Minho desperately reaches out, grabbing his hand, needing Seungmin to stay close, to stay with him. Seungmin's eyes flicker to their hand but he passes no comment and instead throws his head onto the couch, talking more to the ceiling but Minho feels the words echoing in his ears, each word clear and gut-wrenching.
"I know you like it, even Jisung knows you like them. Hell, you have even kissed him before during that one party in high school and even then you didn't kiss me back. what's so wrong about me, hyung, that you won't kiss me." Minho makes a noise of protest. His knuckles are white with the forceful grip he has on Seungmin but if it hurts Seungmin never says.
"Am I really that disgusting to you?" Seungmin lowers his head and asks
"No. Seungmin no. It's never been that."
"Hyung, I'm-"
"Seungmin, please. I'm in the relationship because I want to be. Because I'm in love with you"
Seungmin looks at him in disbelief and anger, tear tracks still wet on his cheeks and snatches his hand out of Minho's grasp
"I don't your pity-" He starts to hiss but Minho hurriedly interrupts him, desperate to explain himself.
"Listen I know what it looks like, I do now, but I have been in love with you for more than half of my life. And I have been so scared, okay? I never thought I could have you and then when you confessed you made me the happiest man on earth in that second."
Seungmin still eyes him doubtfully but Minho's tone is borderline pleading, his other hand moving forwards to rest against Seungmin's neck. When Seungmin makes no move to remove it, he internally lets out a sigh of relief.
"Seungmin, a large part of me is ugly and the more I let it grow, the more it wants. I want you, I want you enough to want to do this right. want you enough to be this selfish. I didn't want to do anything wrong, so I think I didn't do anything. I’m the one who is sorry."
"I would let you do anything, hyung." There is still a slight doubt present in his eyes but his voice is warm and more than anything Minho wants to be believed. wants Seungmin to give them another chance, give him another chance
"You shouldn't." He whispers but it's half-hearted and grateful. Now that the adrenalin in his blood is thinning, he can feel like the pinpricks at the corner of his eyes but when he pulls him back into his arms, Seungmin comes willingly and easily.
"Minnie, can I kiss you?" Minho whispers into Seungmin's hair once they have retired to this bed. He rubs his nose with Seungmin's, his arm underneath Seungmin's narrow waist.
Seungmin gives him a small smile and Minho uses his other hand to brush his hair back, tracing his hand down his cheekbones to his jaw before moving Seungmin’s face nearer. He feels Seungmin close his eyes, his eyelashes brushing Minho's forehead, and brings his mouth to Seungmin's.
Even as he tastes the slight salt of tears on his tongue, Minho has never had a sweeter kiss. Seungmin's lips are sweet and his body pliant as Minho manoeuvres one hand to slide across Seungmin's back coming to rest at his waist, fingers digging into the jut of his hip bone.
It's sweet until it's not and Seungmin tries to match Minho's passion with his own.
They end with Seungmin beneath Minho, his hands on Minho's shoulder while Minho's hand travels up from his jaw to his hair. Minho places his lips on every inch of skin Seungmin allows him to, kisses him as if it's the only thing he knows until the contentedness in his head morphs into nothingness and he falls into slumber with his lover in his arms.