Chapter Text
Her birthday is his phone's password. He could have his eyes closed and he'd still be able to unlock his phone. It's muscle memory by now. It's instinct. Song-hwa being in his life is permanent.
She's back in Seoul for the week, tending to a VIP patient who had specifically requested her to be their neurosurgeon. Their friend group is overjoyed to have her back for more chaotic dinners, more late-night drives, and more band practices even if it's just for a few days.
It's weird- the feeling Ik-jun gets as he types out that familiar birthdate onto his screen. He rarely gets nervous, but with her, he always has that feeling of uncertainty in his gut.
'You hungry?' He first types out before shaking his head. No, that was vague. He needed to put out his message.
'They're having a promo for chimaek at the-' He erased the message before even finishing out his sentence.
'It's raining. How about you and I go get something to eat while you're in town?' Satisfied with his message, he sends the text before he has any time to regret it.
He's anxious for a reply. They hadn't hung out together, just the two of them after she left his office that night.
After she had told him that she wanted to stay friends in the vague way she answered him.
I want things to stay the way they are now.
Now, she's back...only for a week...but she's here. He had loved her for twenty years, he could love her for twenty more. That wouldn't change.
Ik-jun sat in his office, his eyes glued to the phone screen as he waited in darkness. He was a couple of seconds away from giving up and messaging the other three guys to join in for dinner when his phone pinged.
'Sure' was all she sent back.
A couple of minutes later Ik-jun found himself leaning against a pillar outside of the hospital's main entrance. He was looking through the crowds of people, searching for the familiar short frame of one person.
Then, he spots her.
She's dressed in a brown trench coat over a pair of sleek black trousers and a white turtleneck. She has her shoulder bag slung against her right shoulder as she walks, and she's biting her lip as she's reading something on her phone.
He thinks she looks pretty like this, when she has no care in the world.
She's pretty.
She's Chae Song-hwa.
Then, she spots him.
He expects that comforting smile she gives whenever they're out having dinner with the guys. He knows the one. Her lips purse, eyes and face brightening, and then the side of her mouth curls up to a soft grin. A relaxed smile, a beautiful hello.
Except, this time, she's not really smiling at him. Yes, her eyes shoot up to glance at him. But...she's eyeing him. Her face, not tense, but unsure. Like she's completely aware but cautious.
He feels that way too. He feels unsure.
Take your time. You can answer when I'm back.
Don't tell her how you feel.
Song-hwa approaches him, her face turning neutral. She looks like she wants to say something else, but instead, she just asks "Did you bring an umbrella?"
He nods, and moves closer towards her. He then puts up his umbrella over their heads and they run to his car where it's parked on the side of the curb.
Ik-jun is fully aware of their proximity to each other at that moment. She's so close he can feel her hair on his hand, her floral perfume hitting his nostrils. He swears that if she could just lean in a little bit closer, she would've heard his thundering heart past the sound of the rain surrounding them.
It doesn't take them long to get to the restaurant. The ride towards their destination isn't as awkward as he thought it would be. They spend minutes talking about the surgeries they're doing this week. She tells him about watching the Sokcho sunrise from her balcony at her place. He tells her about his playdate with Uju and his friends at the park.
It's as if nothing changed between them. As if the axis of their relationship hasn't been tilted and thrown off course.
Except...everything has changed. The two of them aren't just Song-hwa and Ik-jun anymore.
They're not friends. He crossed the line. She drew it back.
They're in the in-between.
Things are normal as they sit in the restaurant. They are normal as they start sipping from their respective bowls of soup. It's as he's pouring himself and her cups of tea that he thinks that this is it.
They'll just go back to being friends. Life changes but it can adapt. He put out his heart, and he'll put it back together.
He'll love her when she leaves for Sokcho again. He'll love her if she marries another man. He'll love her just like he did when he was in his twenties.
He's loved her for twenty years, he could love her for twenty more.
"I wasn't confident back then…" Song-hwa mumbles, breaking the silence happening amongst the table. Ik-jun raises his head and looks at her questioningly. Her head is down, and she's avoiding eye contact by looking at the cup on the table. "I liked you but we were friends."
His heart stutters, "You liked me? Back then?"
Ik-jun didn't know what to feel. It was as if he had been running on a track and she had just tripped him. What did she mean? She had liked him too? She had felt the same pull he had to her? Why was she telling him now...after politely turning him down just a few weeks ago?
"We were friends." She's not looking at him, choosing to focus her narrowed gaze at the food between them. "I thought liking you was crazy."
Ik-jun felt breathless. What was she trying to tell him?
"Then you got married." Song-hwa mutters so quietly that if he wasn't purely focusing on her, Ik-jun would not have heard her.
"And then I got married." He replies, even though it sounded like a question. He nods and adds another spoonful of soup into his bowl. "I understand."
It's at his response that Song-hwa whips her head to look him in the eyes. He could see unbridled emotions in her eyes. Frustration. Confusion.
She shakes her head and lets out an unamused scoff, "No, you don't. Ik-jun-ah, you got married . And my heart broke. I had to push away all those feelings and be your friend. Not just be your friend, but be your best friend ."
A few seconds passed between the two doctors, and all Ik-jun could do was watch as Song-hwa took a deep breath as if to compose herself. Slowly, she whispered, "I-I lost myself so much in trying to forget that I loved you...so much that I forgot how to love myself."
Ik-jun was at a loss for words. Here was the woman that he had always loved, and she was telling him that she had loved him back...and yet, it didn't feel right. He knew it wasn't right.
All this time, he had thought that telling her how he felt could make things better. They had always been two peas in a pod. Two halves of a whole. Yet, they were both broken pieces, and their broken pieces couldn't fix each other.
"You never said anything." He swallowed the lump in his throat, hands gripping his jeans underneath the table cover.
"You never said anything, either." Her voice was solemn. Ik-jun pleaded silently for her to raise her bowed head so that he could look into her eyes. When she had finally decided to raise her head, he was met with glassy eyes. "We can't go back to how things were."
"I understand." He resigned to himself. This was it, huh? Twenty years of friendship comes crashing down. He feels the shifts in him as his heart prepares to build up the walls around itself, the same walls that had shifted and crumbled under the Sokcho sunlight as he confessed.
"We were friends." Song-hwa says, sounding like she herself was trying to convince an imaginary jury.
"You said you wanted us to stay best friends. I understand." But did he, though? He didn't know what she was trying to say to him. He was always so confident when it came to her. He used to know her so well; what ticked her off, what she liked, where she liked to watch the rain on stormy days...every piece of information he has collected about her in the deepest confines of his heart. Yet, here she was obviously trying to tell him something, and for the first time in his life, he felt lost about Chae Song-hwa.
"I've always seen you as a friend." Song-hwa repeats. He watches as she lifts the spoon from her bowl to take a sip of the soup. He decides to match her actions, careful to not focus on the slight shake in her hand as she lowers the utensil back down. He concludes that maybe he's not the only one lost here.
And because he's Lee Ik-jun, and they've already messed up this friendship...this whatever it is between them, he has to ask, "Can you ever see me in any other way? Not as a friend...but as something more?"
Song-hwa purses her lips and looks stumped. He looks at her as she takes another sip of water. The window at the side of their table casts shadows of raindrops all over her face, painting imaginary tears on her cheeks. He sighs, "Or...you said we could never go back to the way things were before? So we're not friends anymore?"
This time, Song-hwa breaks her silence, and her voice grows strong even at its quiet tone. "No! I didn't say that-" She shakes her head. "I just need time. We need time to figure it out, to figure this out."
"Time has never been good to us." He says, his voice is soft but he is aware of the bitter undertones.
She replies in a wistful, "And yet, time has gotten us this far."
He nods his head in an attempt to get all his stirring thoughts into order. The woman in front of him looks away and focuses her attention on the rain outside. Ik-jun decides to respect the silence shared between them, and he shoves spoonfuls of food into his mouth.
It's only after a couple of minutes that Song-hwa finally tears her gaze back at him. "I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like that. I talked to someone recently, and he said something that really resonated with me."
Ik-jun thinks back to the time he had caught her at the hospital's cafe, an unfamiliar man sitting in front of her. "What did he say?"
"I'm not sure I fully understand yet…" She frowns, lines creasing in between her eyebrows as she scrunches her nose.
"Let's talk about something else then…" He changes the topic, giving her an out. A way to let her get her own thoughts together. "How are things in Sokcho?"
"They're good. The people there are so nice. The beach is really beautiful at night."
He nods, and he sees it in his head. He pictures her standing along the shore as she walks under the moonlight. "I'll have to see it some time then."
"Yes! We should go!" She says enthusiastically, and as if realizing the hidden invitation behind her words, she adds sheepishly "I mean...with the guys too, of course."
Ik-jun recognizes what she had accidentally said, but he lets her have this. He convinces himself that this thing between them will be resolved. He allows himself to hope. Smiling, he replies with a "Yes, that would be nice."
The air shifts between them. He notices her shoulders slowly droop down as she starts truly digging into her food. Shaking his head, he affectionately watches her as she scoops rice into her mouth like a chipmunk.
Her cheeks are round and full of food, and he eyes a stray piece of grain hanging on her chin, just below her lips. Without even thinking, he reaches out and uses his thumb to wipe it away. "Here, you have something on your chin."
It's only as he moves back that he suddenly realizes what he had just done.
Song-hwa looks at him with wide eyes, and she reaches up with her own hand to rub the spot of skin he had just touched. "Ik-jun-ah…"
"Sorry, you just had something...and I-" He feels stupid, all of a sudden. Way to go, you guys were finally comfortable, and you just had to mess it up, his inner self screams at him. He's about to continue with his fruitless attempts at awkward apology but she cuts him off.
"Right now, Ik-jun-ah. I'm not thinking of you as a friend right now." She whispers, her cheeks reddening in a way he has never seen before.
He is gobsmacked. "That's- Well that's...I don't understand?"
"I don't think I can go back to being just friends." Sighing, she turns her head to look back at the rain, then shifts her eyes to cast him in a deep stare. His heart drops to his stomach.
"Are you saying that-"
"This is not a no." Song-hwa says in a wise tone. She raises an eyebrow at him, challenging him. He realizes that at this moment, he's handed her the smoking gun. She's poised to pull the trigger. "I've liked you for far too long for this to be a no. Let's give it time, okay?"
There it is. Hope. Walls falling down again.
Ik-jun can only nod, his lungs failing him as he stays breathless. He's too afraid to speak, too afraid to mess things up. Song-hwa takes his nod as an answer and looks back at the night sky outside. He can see a shadow of a smile at the edge of her lips.
And it's as if life goes on, and he can only watch as she directs her attention at his plate in front of him. "Are you going to eat that?"
He chuckles to himself because of course, this is Chae Song-hwa he's speaking to. He uses his chopsticks to transfer the noodles off his plate and onto hers.
---
"Your GPS is still not working?" She asks as they both put on their seatbelts. They're back in his car, and on their way to the hospital because he had promised to drop her off before making his way back home. "You need a better car."
He starts the engine and they make their way out of the restaurant's parking lot. "No, it's fine. It does the job. It takes me to work and helps me pick up Uju from school. This car is my family." Without taking his eyes off the road, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone, handing it to her. "Here...use the maps on my phone."
"Do you want me to get you a good deal at the dealership? I befriended the guy who sold me my car. What's your password?"
"It's your birthday." He answers instinctively. He continues on without a second thought at what he had just divulged, "You know what, it would be nice to get an SUV type of car so I can take Uju to the mountains or on beach trips...can you give me the guy's number? What's his name anyway?"
He expected her to respond, and yet he was met with a sudden silence from her side of the car. It's only as they reach a red light that he casts a furtive glance in her direction to see why she had grown quiet.
She's looking at him, her face unreadable again. He was kind of getting tired of all the looks she was giving him tonight. What was wrong? He asks her half-exasperatedly, "What?"
She slightly shakes her head and looks down at her hands where they were resting on her lap. "Park Rowoon. That's the guy's name," she mumbles. She lets out a small laugh, and Ik-jun looks at her curiously, "My birthday...why is it your password? When did you set it to that?"
He knows he's blushing when he responds, "You know why." Because she knew now how he felt about her. Because it was her. "It's been like that for a while."
"You won't tell me huh?" She keeps staring at him, her expression remains unreadable. Ik-jun opens his mouth even when he himself is unsure of his response to her question. A shrill ring interrupts them and he thanks his stars that he has the chance to not fuck up another conversation between them.
The neurologist puts the phone up to her ear as the car reaches a stop in front of the main entrance of the hospital. "Chae Song-hwa speaking. Ah yes, let me know once the patient is stable. I've just returned, and I'll be with you in a few minutes."
She is quick to exit the vehicle; he sees how her work slowly returns to consume the forefront of her mind. Their quiet dinner, and the talk they had slowly faded into the background as they returned back to work. She turns back to him as he opens his mouth, "I'll see you at practice."
He thinks to himself that maybe this is it for the two of them. The conversation may have ended somewhat positively but he's an adult, and he knows time is both a good and a bad thing. Especially when it came to them. He's a doctor, he may be goofy and witty, but he's a logical man, as well.
He's giving her another out. He's showing them mercy. A part of him is screaming, I want to love you, and I can love you even if it's just me. My love can be enough for both of us. My love can be enough even if you don't feel the same.
Because a part of him is also scared of time. He is scared of the future between them. Yet, Lee Ik-jun is tired of time always having the upper hand between them.
She smiles at him. The look on her face- it's not the same unsure one she had graced him with when they had greeted each other earlier in the night. Her eyes are bright and for the first time in his life, he's never seen her like this, so at peace.
"See you then!" She says it with so much conviction, and he knows she's not talking about some measly band practice session. She's speaking to him with an unspoken promise.
'We'll figure this out.'
Ik-jun stays still even as he watches her walk away from him and back into the hospital, where another stressful night awaits her. He manages to shake off the momentary surprise he feels, and he starts driving in the direction of his apartment.
The rain continues to pour down his windshield as he gets back onto the main highway. He glances at his phone. His heart feels light, and he starts chuckling to himself.
"My birthday...why is it your password? When did you set it to that?"
He leans the elbow of his left arm on his driver's side door as his right hand keeps its grip on the wheel. He rests his head on his free hand, and he wistfully whispers, "Years. It's been like this for years."