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Mikasa woke up in a cold sweat.
Where was she…?
She took a quick look at her surroundings, and a relieved sigh left her lips.
Of course, she was at home.
Their home.
However, something was odd. Namely, she was in bed alone. And to her delight, she had been sharing the bed for a while now.
After seeing rays of light entering the room through the window, it didn't take Mikasa too long to deduce that her companion had simply woken up already. If you told her a few years ago that he would willingly get out of bed before her, she would have never believed you.
Life here really was good for both of them.
After a few minutes, she finally decided to put on her slippers and cardigan and reluctantly headed towards the kitchen.
It didn't take long for her to get hit with the pleasant smell of fried food.
Oh right, pancakes.
Some time ago, he discovered how to make them and insisted on preparing them almost every day afterwards. In a way, Mikasa had a little enough of them, but the excitement on his face at the fact that he could finally make a proper breakfast for her was more important. Even if sometimes he was still overburning them, she was not going to complain.
Her beloved Eren.
Mikasa would probably continue to indulge in her dreamy thoughts, but the voice of her companion finally snapped her out of it:
"Mikasa, you finally woke up!" He said and sent her the sweetest smile in the universe.
She yawned and tiredly slumped at the chair at the kitchen table.
To her dismay, after he glanced at her again, his smile disappeared in the exchange of furrowed brows. For a long moment, he stared at her, studying her.
"What's wrong, Mikasa? You look tired. You didn't sleep well?"
Mikasa pinched her nose. Should she tell him? Well, there's probably no use in lying now…
"Just... a bad dream." She told him while intensively staring at the tabletop.
Objectively, she shouldn't be surprised; he probably knew her better than anyone else. However, it didn't make her any less uneasy. She still hated overbearing him with her thoughts; even if the logical part of her was constantly screaming at her, "it's not overbearing; he wants to fight your demons in the same way you want to fight his; it's only the two of you here, for heaven's sake."
Eren turned off the stove and put the plate of pancakes in front of her, staring at her attentively.
"Bad dream? What was it about, exactly?"
Mikasa was fondling the hem of her nightgown between her fingers, contemplating how she should word this.
"There was... a vast, trampled land," she finally spoke, "and there were many corpses there..."
Eren immediately tensed.
"That's not going to happen."
"What—"
"I said," Eren took a deep breath, "that it's not going to happen."
The young man kept on clenching and unclenching his fist. Since the moment they eloped, he made it a goal for himself to control his emotions in front of her and to make sure they would not discuss any of this. But still, it was hard – he couldn't count how many times he woke up in cold sweat in the middle of the night; the rumbling vision was too realistic in his mind.
But even if he could expect that – it didn't make him hate that fact any way less.
He looked at her again and finally spoke after a few moments of tense silence.
"Was it the first time" he made sure she was looking him in the eyes, "you've dreamt this?"
Mikasa couldn't help but feel like she was held at gunpoint.
"...Well."
Not knowing what his reaction would be, she nervously looked down.
To her surprise, all Eren did was let out a heavy sigh and took her small hand into his bigger one.
"As I said, it's not going to happen," he was looking at her intensively again, "but whenever you have a dream like this… you have to tell me."
Mikasa looked at him in bewilderment.
"...okay."
"You have to promise, though."
He wants to fight your demons in the same way you want to fight his.
"I promise."
They never brought up the topic of rumbling ever again.
Whenever one of them would wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by their nightmares – the other would just take them in their arms and stay like this until sleep would find them again. The next morning, they would pretend like the night accident had not happened, and they never spoke about it. It became like a silent agreement between them, even though they had never really discussed it. Either way, both of them were content with that state of affairs, and Mikasa felt like they did not need words to understand each other.
(Not always, though – but mostly.)
The longer they lived there, it seemed that finding a peaceful sleep eventually became easier.
One could think that even though that peaceful life was always her biggest dream, living a few years under a military regime would make it hard for her to get used to the completely new routine. Nevertheless, even to Mikasa's own surprise, she found that extremely easy. She couldn't help but wonder if Eren felt as content as her with their new life. It's not like he complained or anything. On the contrary, she couldn't recall if she had ever seen him laughing and smiling as much, even when they were children.
Still, she felt anxious about the whole situation and couldn't help but wonder, "what if he was not enjoying this? What if he was keeping his mouth shut for your sake?"
She thought it wouldn't be too far fetched. Of course, he was the one to propose to actually leave everything and run away together. However, when he asked her in Marley what he was to her, it was still her who mentioned to him that living peacefully with him, away from war, was her biggest hidden desire.
One day, when they were digging up potatoes together (the harvest was surprisingly good this year), Mikasa felt like she could absolutely not stand this any longer and suddenly asked:
"Are you happy?"
Eren stopped dead in his tracks and paused in the middle of the task to look at her in confusion.
"What?"
"I asked," Mikasa repeated, "if you are happy."
Eren blinked a few times, still in bewilderment, before he spoke:
"Well, I think I should be the one asking you that."
It was now Mikasa's turn to be confused.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," Eren leaned his arm on his shovel, "that you agreed to run away for me, so I guess I should be the one concerned."
Mikasa blinked a few times in even more confusion.
"But you even mentioned it yourself that it was my idea—"
"Well, yes, you told me this," Eren shrugged, "but I was the one who proposed to actually do this. And I'm fully aware you'd have never even considered this if it wasn't for my sake."
Mikasa couldn't really argue with that. But before she had any chance to respond, Eren continued:
"I guess what I'm trying to say is," he brought a hand to his neck and touched it, visibly nervous. "I know you did that for me, and I'm grateful for that, I really am. I just hope that you are, in some way, as happy as I am. I mean, it's just the two of us, and I can only imagine I'm not exactly the most fun companion to have around.” The young man lowered his gaze, clearly embarrassed.
Well, that wasn't exactly a confession Mikasa would have expected.
How could he even doubt for a second that she was happy with him…?
"You're dumb."
"What?!"
"I said," Mikasa spoke with the most indifferent tone possible, "that you're dumb."
Eren blushed furiously.
"I'm actually opening up to you, and as a response, you're telling me that I'm dumb?!"
Before Eren could lash out even more in his growing frustration, Mikasa spoke again.
"All I'm trying to say is, after everything we've been through and what I told you back then in Marley, you should know that I'm happy being with you here, just the two of us together."
Eren sighed. He knew she was right. He couldn't help it, though, but feel like an unlovable monster that didn't deserve her in the slightest.
"I'm happy with you, Eren." Mikasa spoke again, "actually, I'm probably the happiest I could ever be."
Before she could say anything more, she saw Eren discarding his shovel, and before she got a chance to register what was actually happening, she felt his strong arms embracing her fully.
“I love you'', Eren whispered in a barely audible way, but loud enough for both of them to hear.
Mikasa thoroughly remembers the night they ran away.
"What am I to you?"
The heaviness of that question almost crushed both of them.
What was a good answer to such a question?
At first, Mikasa froze.
How should she reply? Was there even a good answer to such question?
“Family” was running through her head and threatened to leave her mouth.
No, that wasn't a good answer.
Because if she was telling the truth...
"My most beloved, my dear." She said before that last stroke of confidence could leave her.
And Eren looked at her, and heaven's, how did he look.
Mikasa couldn't quite point out what he meant to convey. Was it admiration? Shock? Relief? A mix of everything?
Without even understanding what got into her to be this bold in the first place, she added:
"And I would give everything for us to live together, just the two of us, in peace."
"Let's do that, then."
"Excuse me?"
This was the moment when Mikasa started panicking.
Dear gods, what had she done?!
That's it; she had destroyed their friendship. And what's even worse, Eren was now mocking her.
Yes, that had to be it.
Mikasa felt like her whole mood changed by 180 degrees and that the tears in her eyes would actually fall down.
Ohmygod, what had she done—
"I'm serious, Mikasa."
"B-But—"
"Please, Mikasa, listen to me." Eren put his hands on her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes, making her feel completely weak. "I can't really explain it in detail now, but if we don't leave now, something terrible will happen."
"What—"
"Basically, if we don't leave now… I'll have to activate the rumbling."
Mikasa froze.
The rumbling?
But how, why?!
"Look, I don't want to force you anything, but… I really want to spend my remaining years with you, at peace, just the two of us..."
Mikasa could swear she actually heard Eren started sobbing. "So please, if you're willing to, let's just run away together... I don't want to turn into a mass murderer... Mikasa, please..."
“Alright. Let’s do it then."
Eren opened his eyes wide with astonishment. He immediately took hold of her hand as if in fear that she might change her mind, and they ran away. They ran into the darkness of the night, with the starry sky above them. They ran like this for several hundred metres until finally, Mikasa stopped.
"Eren, wait."
Eren felt a cold sweat pour over him.
Oh God, what if she changed her mind after all—
"We can’t just run away like this."
Oh no, so she really changed her mind after all, and now what, how stupid he was to expect her just to abandon everything—
“Look, Eren, I don’t know about you, but since I had left intending to just look for you, I have no money on me. And besides,” she instinctively touched her neck, "I left my scarf in my suitcase at the residence."
Oh.
So that’s what she meant.
Eren supposed she is right after all, but still, how—
“Well, um, you’re right,” Eren put his hands in his pockets, slightly nervous, “but how do you want to retrieve all of this from the Azumabito residence without being seen?!"
Mikasa shrugged.
“I can sneak in unnoticed. Besides, the rest of the group has probably already left to look for both of us as well. Even if someone from Kiyomi’s people sees me, I can say I decided to search for you inside. You, on the other hand, will stay outside and monitor the situation."
She really made it sound like she was talking about some walk in the park here.
But what other choice did Eren have? She had a point they can’t really leave without money, and besides, he was fully aware he should not expect her to leave the scarf behind.
“Okay. Let’s go, Mikasa."
Eren couldn’t remember the last time he felt so nervous.
What if she ran into someone and they started questioning her? Or worse, what if her prediction turned out to be wrong and she met someone from the Survey Corps after all? What if—
Calm down, Eren. We're not talking about some random person, but Mikasa, after all. No matter what happens, she can handle it.
He knew it was true, but still, he could not stop that nervous stomping of his foot on the ground. Probably the only thing that prevented him from rushing inside the mansion himself was the awareness that if he did that, then there would be no eloping for them for sure.
All he really could do for now was to look panicky in all directions.
She will be fine, she has to be—
The relief he felt after seeing her coming from afar, carrying two suitcases and with the scarf wrapped carelessly around her neck, was incomparable to any other feeling he had experienced in his 18 years of life.
"Has anyone seen you?"
Mikasa shook her head.
"Not likely, and even if they have, no one has said anything."
Eren breathed a sigh of relief.
"Alright, then, let’s get going before seriously someone finally sees us."
The young man took one of the suitcases from his companion, and with his free hand, grasped her palm for the second time that evening.
The young woman blushed visibly with embarrassment but, not wishing to show it, quietly asked:
"Where are we going now?"
Eren smiled softly at her.
"To the train station."
The night was getting significantly colder. And sitting on a nearly empty platform in the middle of the night waiting for their delayed train didn’t make this any better.
Mikasa looked at Eren, who was pacing back and forth on the platform while staring off into the distance. At the same time, she herself was trying to wrap her scarf around her neck tighter, but it wasn’t helping much. She cursed under her breath that besides the clothes she was currently wearing, she only took with her one more everyday outfit for a change and some clean underwear.
In a way, that made sense – they had not come here for vacation.
Through the aforementioned state of affairs, it finally began to dawn on her more and more what they had actually done.
Sure, at the very first moment, the idea of eloping sounded very romantic and appealing. But now, she started to realise what kind of situation they found themselves in.
With not too much money, with few clothes to change into, they were running away, just like that.
And where, exactly?
Well, it seemed like Eren had some idea since he was the one to buy the train tickets – but had he really? Mikasa could not comprehend how he would know that. To add to this, they practically didn’t exchange a word on the way to the train station.
And where will they stay? With the money they had, they could stay maybe a few days at a guesthouse. But what about later? Not to mention, they didn’t have food either…
Suddenly, Mikasa felt like she was getting sick.
"What's wrong, Mikasa?"
"Nothing," she replied almost automatically.
Eren, however, did not buy this at all, and he looked at her with furrowed brows.
“You look pale. Do you want some water?"
Thank God, so it seems they at least had some water with them.
"N-No, it's not that."
"Well," he was still staring at her, and his gaze eventually softened, "we can come back, you know."
"What—"
"I mean this." Eren touched his neck nervously for what seemed like a hundredth time today, “if you're not sure about this, we can always come back. I’m aware I threw all of this at you quite suddenly." Eren lowered his gaze to look at his feet intensively. “We will tell the others we just wanted to spend some time alone. And don’t worry about Levi, I'll take all the blame on myself."
It was now Mikasa's turn to furrow her brows.
"You had just told me that if we don’t run away, you’ll activate the rumbling, and you seriously think that Levi is my biggest worry right now?"
Eren crossed his arms over his chest in what seemed like a slight irritation.
"Then what is the actual problem?"
Mikasa sighed and looked at her lap, feeling defeated, even though she had no idea over what, exactly.
"E-Eren... what are we going to do?" She raised her eyes and looked at him again, feeling vulnerable like she hadn’t felt since she was nine. “We barely have any money. Actually, we barely have anything, besides, where are we even going to stay— "
"Do you seriously think I would have dragged you into this if I had absolutely no plan?" He came and stood right in front of her. “Besides, we have each other. It just has to work out. "
Mikasa felt like she blushed again under his piercing gaze.
"B-But... how did you know any of that?"
Eren sighed heavily. It was probably high time to finally tell her.
"Actually, I've been planning this for a while now with the hope that you would agree. I had visions of what would happen if we didn't escape, and they terrified me like nothing else in my life. Then I met with Yelena in secret, and she showed me the map of Marley, which we studied carefully, and later I also studied on my own. But, since I wasn't convinced to do any of this, even after I talked to Floch and Historia, and as I already had told you, I really didn't want to do the rumbling, so I thought if we actually run away—"
Mikasa felt like she was sick again.
Visions? Yelena? Secret meeting? Map? Floch? Historia? Rumbling? Running away...
She didn't understand any of this, and she felt one of her usual headaches is on its way as well.
She must have looked terrible because Eren's face became visibly concerned, and he asked:
"Are you okay, Mikasa...?"
How could she be okay after all those revelations?!
"I just… I don't understand any of this."
Eren suddenly sat down next to her and put his hand on her back. Mikasa almost jumped at his touch.
"Look, Mikasa... I know it's too much information at one time, I really do, so if you'd like to talk about it more in the future, we will, okay? But for now, let's focus on running away, okay?"
Mikasa nodded her head slightly.
Focus on running away.
She couldn't help but wonder how the rest is doing. They're looking for them for sure.
Mikasa felt a sudden pang of guilt inside of her.
Armin, Commander Hange, Captain Levi, Jean, Connie, Sasha...
They left them for the inevitable war.
Armin is probably losing his head right now.
Armin...
"Do you think Armin will understand?"
At the sound of their dearest childhood friend's name, Eren froze.
So it's bugging him too.
"He will." Eren finally replied. "He is smart."
"Even if at the beginning he hates us and thinks we're the biggest assholes in the universe?"
"Probably." Eren shrugged his shoulders, trying to play it cool. "Don't worry too much about it now."
"Okay."
"Good."
After that, Eren got up from the bench to resume his task of nervously walking back and forth on the platform like that would make the train arrive faster, and Mikasa immediately felt like she was missing his warmth already.
Honestly, Mikasa couldn't care less about the fact that they would basically become deserters and if they were found somehow, it might have resulted in them getting the death penalty.
What is the death penalty comparing to the possibility of Armin never forgiving them?
Maybe they should've left him a note, at least...
But Mikasa obviously hadn't thought about it before – at Azumabito residence, she was too preoccupied with getting their things unnoticed to worry about leaving a note.
Now, however, she was starting to regret it.
When she felt again like she's on the verge of crying, Eren stood right in front of her again.
"I knew you were not okay."
"Huh?"
"You're shaking." And with these words, he took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.
Before Mikasa could open her mouth to protest, Eren already spoke:
"Before you say anything – no, I'm not cold, I swear."
Mikasa still felt a slight urge to protest but decided against it. She didn't want to add a quarrel with him to all of this.
Besides, she would lie if she said it was not nice actually. She wrapped the jacket around her shoulders tighter. It smelled exactly like him; that distinctive earthy smell so unique to him. His jacket wrapped around her shoulders made her feel safe in a way, as weird as it may sound. She also felt that somehow, everything will turn out okay in the end.
She could only hope it would turn out to be true.
Mikasa looked out of the train's window and saw vast green fields together with an increasingly more precise outline of the mountains on the horizon.
So beautiful.
Are they really going to live there now?
They had been on a train for almost 20 hours now, and apparently, they were also very close to reaching their destination, just a few more hours.
The train ride was not as bad as one could have expected.
Sure, they were sitting on a hard bench in an obnoxious compartment right now, but Mikasa couldn't care less.
They were together, about to start a new life, just the two of them, and it was all that mattered.
*
Shortly after their delayed train finally arrived, they quickly got on and settled on their seats.
"Uhm, sorry, these are not the best seats," Eren touched his neck, a little embarrassed, "but that's all we could afford for now..."
"I don't mind." Mikasa replied, still wrapped in his jacket.
"You know..." Eren cleared his throat nervously, "if you want, you can lean on me. I know you must be tired, so… get as comfortable as possible and try to rest."
It seemed to Mikasa that Eren was blushing a little, but she wasn't really sure if that was really the case or if her indeed tired eyes were just playing tricks on her, so she simply nodded.
Tentatively, as if with a bit of hesitation, she leaned against his shoulder and immediately felt that no hardest seat in a horrible old second class carriage could take away how good it felt, almost as if she was home already.
*
When she woke up a few hours later, the first thing she saw was Eren smiling lightly at her.
"I'll buy us sandwiches in the restaurant carriage," he said, and after seeing her furrowing her brows upon hearing this, he immediately added, "I know, I know, but we still have some savings, and you need to eat something."
"And I don't know when will be the next opportunity for us to eat", his mind was trying to tell him, but obviously, he didn't want to voice this thought as not to disturb her even more.
He came back with four sandwiches ("two for later", he said, and Mikasa rolled her eyes), and while they were eating, he finally talked to her about their destination.
"So, there is this country," Eren started, "it's called Schweiz, and it is a small mountainous country, it used to be part of Marley, but over time they declared independence and are now generally neutral in most world conflicts," he hesitated for a moment, and then added somewhat uncertainly, "also, from what I've read, they have breathtaking landscapes there, I think you'll like it."
Mikasa got really surprised hearing the last comment but decided against pressing the matter further and asked instead:
"So, you got to know all of this while studying maps with Yelena?"
Eren hesitated for a moment as if weighing his words, and finally, he said:
"Well, not everything, but basically, yeah."
Mikasa sighed.
"I still don't understand any of this."
To her surprise, Eren suddenly grabbed her hand.
"Look, Mikasa... I know it's all confusing, I really do, but it does not matter now. We'll reach the destination soon, let's focus on that."
"Okay." Mikasa said, and she squeezed his hand tighter for a second while deciding to look at the more and more clearly defined mountains.
Eren was right. It really looked like she was going to like it here.
She smiled happily.
When they finally got off the train, Mikasa could not believe this.
They really did that…
The view was amazing.
Well.
'Amazing' did not do it justice.
'Marvelous' was probably a far better word.
An endless mountain meadow stretching out before them looked particularly inviting.
The high mountains seemed especially beautiful in the full sun.
A mountain stream, colourful flowers, the clear sky…
Mikasa smiled.
This was their new home.
Eren, also smiling, grabbed her hand.
"Let's go, Mikasa."
They walked for many hours, passing small farms, grazing cows, and vast fields of unusually green grass. A gentle wind accompanied them all the time on this journey, together with white birds flying overhead while circling freely in the sky, flapping their wings all the time, looking incredibly majestic against the background of an exceptionally blue sky. Eren and Mikasa only took small breaks in the meantime to take a sip of water, which was essential on this long hike in full sun on this warm, early spring day.
By the time the sun began to set, they had arrived at a rather vast glade, away from the other farms, but close to a waterfall and a small forest.
Mikasa had to admit that she was pretty tired after that whole day of hiking, which was rather unusual thanks to her Ackerman genes. She sat down on the ground under the nearest tree and sighed heavily.
And now what? The question was still buzzing in her mind.
Eren sat down next to her and pulled out sandwiches he had bought on the train.
"I think this is a good place to settle down."
“But... permanently...?" Mikasa looked at him in shock.
Eren shrugged.
"Well, why not? It is close to the waterfall, there is also a forest nearby, so we should not run out of wood, which will be very useful for us. There are probably some animals there too, so it will be possible to hunt," Eren was deep in his thought, "I wonder how many fish there are in this stream, let's hope a lot. We'll have to go hunting tomorrow. And besides," he took a bite of his sandwich, "it's possible to walk on foot to other people, but it's still kind of far away from them, too, enough for peace and quiet."
Mikasa blushed.
"So it really will just be the two of us..." She thought, still not quite believing in the realness of this concept.
"You don't mind...?" Mikasa asked in a slightly trembling voice, unable to look at him.
"But what?" Eren asked, genuinely puzzled, still chewing a bite of his sandwich.
Mikasa sighed again, "he is still so dense sometimes."
"That there are just two of us here", she finally said.
"Well," he looked at her and said it like he was stating the most obvious thing in the universe, "that's one of the reasons why we decided to run away, right?"
Right.
*
There was definitely one thing they had not thought through.
The nights in early spring are still chilly – especially when you are in the mountains.
And especially, when you spend the night outside.
Despite her sincerest intentions, Mikasa could not stop shivering. Fortunately, Eren had been smart enough to somehow stuff two blankets into his suitcase, but those blankets seemed to do only moderately well against the chilly night air.
"We've already come this far, and I'm going to die of cold...?" Mikasa thought, shivering more and more.
What she hadn't realised was that Eren had been watching her for quite a while now.
"Move closer to me", he finally said.
Mikasa blushed, and before she could say anything, Eren added, "I can see you shaking, so don't even try to deny it."
Still blushing (which, by the way, made her automatically feel warmer – maybe that was the hidden purpose?), she inched closer, and Eren gently put his arms around her shoulders.
"Are you feeling warmer now?" he said, bringing his lips closer to her head.
"I don't know, I think you need to embrace me tighter," she said, trying to joke.
To her surprise, though, Eren actually did that (and as a result, was blushing now too).
"Sleep well, Mikasa," he said after a while.
It seemed to her that he kissed her head, though she didn't know if that was true or if it was the cool air stirring in her head.
Even the coldest night was somehow bearable when they were together.
It took them several weeks to settle in properly and build their cabin. A few weeks of constant wood chopping (which was done mainly by Mikasa, much to Eren's dismay, who would have liked to do everything himself so that "she wouldn't have to strain herself" – Mikasa just rolled her eyes), hunting (there were surprisingly many hares in the forest), fishing (Eren was doing surprisingly well with that) and constructing a cabin from the wood they chopped (this was taken care of by Eren in his titan form – he wasn't thrilled about using the titan's powers again, but he figured it would make them finish much faster). They also paid a visit to the nearest village, where they bought most of the necessary things they could not do on their own, and also sold the hunted meat themselves as to have some savings for later.
When the cabin was roughly finished – they started fitting it out and furnishing it. Eren took a liking to woodcarving and managed to make some of the furniture himself, while the rest was helped by an older builder from the village, who, together with his wife, seemed to be very fond of Mikasa and Eren.
Sometime later, much to Mikasa's delight, Eren presented her with a chicken coop together with two chickens. Not long after, they started working on the garden and a small field of potatoes.
On the day that the main part of the work on the cabin was finally completed, Eren put his arm around Mikasa in joyful exultation, repeating like a mantra, "this is our house Mikasa, our house!", and she couldn't have been happier.
Everything was beginning to fall into place, and the immediate future looked bright.
The road to intimacy of any kind was quite... bumpy.
Sure, there were more lingering gazes between them. Eren also seemed to initiate physical contact with her more regularly (which he often refused to do as a teenager, which Mikasa did not fail to reproach him with, only to receive an annoyed groan in response), but being young and completely inexperienced did not make things any less easy.
Gentle hand touches and touching each other's shoulders reassuringly came quite naturally but basically… that was it.
They weren't getting any further than that, and Mikasa started wondering if it was normal.
She didn't want to complain – she basically was as happy as one can be already, but she would lie if she said she wasn't longing for him to embrace her and hold her tightly, like during the nights they spent outside.
But now, they weren't even sharing a bed.
Mikasa, even in her inexperience, knew that couples would usually share a bed.
But were they a couple, even?
The old builder from the village and his wife assumed they are a young married couple who moved out after their wedding, and now they are settling in. Somehow Eren didn't correct them, and Mikasa felt too embarrassed to ask him about that later.
It was one late evening, sometime after they had already been mostly finished with a cabin, when Mikasa heard a quiet knocking on the door.
"Eren?" she asked, surprised.
He opened the door, and she saw him, visibly tired and restless like something had been bothering him.
"I was wondering if you're asleep already." He said, clearly embarrassed that he resorted to taking this step.
Mikasa blinked a few times in surprise and finally replied:
"I wasn't, I was reading a book." And as if to confirm her words, she took the mentioned book and put it aside.
"I see." He stared intensely at the floor, obviously not sure what to do with himself now.
"Do you want to… come in?" Mikasa finally broke the silence hanging over them.
"Yeah, sure." He said and entered the room only to then awkwardly stand beside her bed.
Mikasa almost wanted to roll her eyes.
"You can lie next to me, you know."
"Uhm, yeah, right, I wasn't sure." He said and then awkwardly positioned himself next to her.
Mikasa looked at him. It's true that even though they used to do that a lot when they were kids, especially when she had nightmares, but it felt kind of different now.
It was Eren who finally decided to break the silence.
"So... what were you reading?"
"Oh, this?" Mikasa pointed to the book again. "Got this from Kiyomi. These are some Hizurian legends."
"Oh, that sounds interesting."
"Yes, I can let you borrow it later."
"Cool."
"Yeah."
There was silence between again and awkward glances thrown at one another every now and then, while hoping the other party would make another move.
After a long moment, Eren finally sighed heavily.
"Look, Mikasa, I'm really sorry I interrupted your reading. I think I should go now." Before he got the chance to get out of bed, however, Mikasa caught his palm delicately.
"No, tell me what happened, please. I can see when something is bothering you."
Eren sighed again.
"I just… couldn't sleep, I guess."
"Because?"
"Because..." he ran his hands over his face, "I have too many thoughts running through my head every time I try to sleep, and I don't know what is true and what is false anymore, what are my future memories and what are someone's else past memories, sometimes, I really don't know anything", he looked at his hands, "and being alone with that… just really drive me crazy at times. "
"Then stay here tonight."
"What?"
"Eren", she looked him in the eyes, "you'll never have to face this alone again. Never."
"But..."
"No buts." She took his hand again, "I… really want you to stay with me too." She looked down, just starting to feel ashamed now. "From the very beginning, I wanted us to share a bed, but... I was too embarrassed to tell you about it."
Eren's mouth turned into a round O, and with that expression, he was looking at her for a while.
"Oh", now it was his turn to blush, "I guess I wanted it too, but… I would have never forgiven myself if I made you uncomfortable in some way."
"You won't." She said with certainty. "I… wanna share everything with you."
After that, she tried to hide her face in the pillow somehow.
On the other hand, Eren softly smiled to himself, and while thinking how cute she is, sometimes, he moved closer to her and touched her cheek.
"I wanna share everything with you, too."
From that night on, the second bedroom in the house began collecting dust.
On one sunny day, Eren, having finished chopping the wood, approached Mikasa, who was hanging the laundry.
"You know, Mikasa, I was wondering... Do you think you can help me cut my hair?"
Mikasa opened her mouth in surprise. He had not cut them properly in what was about three years.
"I can help you," she said after a moment while hanging the sheet, "but are you sure? You haven't cut them in a long time."
"Yes, I'm sure. It started to get in the way."
It was the truth, too, but there was more to it. Still, he would sooner die of shame than admit it, that since the time he touched Historia's hand, which activated the founder titan's power, everything in his head had become one big mess, and his mental state had deteriorated to such an extent that… he just didn't care what he looked like.
Not that it was ever a priority for him, but that breakthrough moment made everything else unimportant, especially trivial things like appearance.
Now, however, it was different.
It was difficult for him to admit it, even to himself, but—
He wanted to look good for her.
Mikasa always looked very good. No matter how long her hair was or what hairstyle she did, or what she was wearing, or not—
You're a pig, Eren. You should be ashamed. Calm down.
Eventually, however, his self-flagellation thoughts were interrupted by Mikasa's calm voice.
"Okay, I'll just finish hanging the laundry, and I can cut your hair. Look for scissors in the meantime."
"Okay." With that said, he went to find everything he needed to get a haircut.
*
"Have you thought about how you want to cut it?"
"Well, actually… yes," Eren said as he ran a hand through his hair. It was probably the last time that he could touch it while it was so long. "I was thinking of something similar to what I had... you know, back in the day, plus... maybe an undercut like Captain Levi and Armin."
The mention of the names of their former captain and best friend made them freeze for a moment, but neither wanted to bring it up.
"Well," Mikasa finally said. "I'm not an expert, but let's see what I can do."
And with that said, she grabbed the scissors and slowly began to cut his long hair, lock by lock.
The problem arose, which probably neither of them had predicted beforehand, that she would have to stand so… close while cutting his hair at the very front.
Eren was literally able to feel like he was basically getting a fever, and he mentally slapped himself for that.
Sure, keep doing that Eren, and she'll think you are a total creep and will leave you alone right here in the middle of nowhere.
Many thoughts also swirled in Mikasa's head.
You're. just. cutting. his. hair.
Even so, they both felt that it was NOT just a simple haircut.
After cutting all the strands and a slight undercut with a razor, Mikasa handed Eren their small mirror.
"How do you like it? I hope I didn't mess it up."
Eren looked carefully and ran a hand over the back of his neck, where his freshly cut undercut was presenting itself. He smiled.
"Well, I don't want to sound full of myself, but I think I appear pretty good-looking."
Mikasa chuckled slightly, in a way Eren hadn't heard in years.
"I absolutely agree."
Eren looked at her, eyes narrowed slightly.
"Do you think I'm handsome?" And then he slapped himself mentally again.
Well, Eren, your game is so pathetic it's almost funny.
Mikasa, on the other hand, was panicking.
"O-Of course", it was all she managed to say, "and you should never doubt it."
Before she could run away, however, she felt that Eren, who had received a sudden surge of courage at her words, grabbed her waist and kissed her cheek, right next to her mouth.
"Thank you, Mikasa. For helping with the haircut. And... for everything."
Mikasa was looking intensively at him.
"If you are really grateful to me, then kiss me again."
"What?!"
"And... on the mouth, this time." She said, barely audible.
After the first few seconds, when thousands of different thoughts and extreme emotions flashed through Eren's head, and after making sure that he did not mishear it, he gently touched her hips, which had been one of the main elements of his fantasies for some time now, and tenderly placed a kiss on her lips.
There was definitely a sense of their inexperience in that kiss, but the love they could express with this one simple gesture would be enough to divide between at least a few more people.
When they finally ran out of breath and were forced to back away slightly, all Eren was able to say was:
"It's getting chilly. Let's get inside."
Mikasa, still both embarrassed and shocked, grabbed the scissors together with the razor and headed home while Eren looked forward to starting kissing her goodnight each evening from now on.
The atmosphere between them after the kiss was strange.
On the one hand, at the very beginning, both acted like almost nothing had happened.
On the other hand, though, it was noticeable that the distance between them was decreasing more and more.
To Mikasa's content, Eren eventually started to initiate kisses between them more often. Initially, they were mostly quite innocent pecks, sometimes growing more passionate.
But that basically was… it.
And as Mikasa was embarrassed to admit it, and the sole thought was making her cheeks warm, the truth was, she wanted more.
Especially now, when they were sleeping in one bed, and she could feel his presence near her every night.
She wondered, how would that feel, being able to touch Eren's body in its entirety, without any restrictions.
She also wondered, how would that be, if he was the one touching her…
Mikasa had an only vague idea of how this all was supposed to work, from the romantic novels she read, the talks of the other girls in the military she overheard, and how Sasha described her encounter with Niccolo (and that was completely different from the ones described in books):
"He cooked me a stew, then we kissed, then he took me to his room, he got embarrassed, I took his clothes off, the dick looked pretty strange up close, I'm telling you, like a sausage or something, then he entered me, it hurt pretty bad, he came in like, 2 minutes, he apologised, we kissed again, and then we had to dress up before Griez would come."
(Remembering this made Mikasa roll her eyes pretty much, but also reminded her of how much she missed Sasha, so she tried not to indulge in it too much.)
After coming to conclusions, Mikasa deduced it all was a very subjective topic, and one has to go through it themselves to form a strong opinion.
And that made her wonder again – how would it be like to do that with Eren...
Did he want it too?
She hoped maybe he would be the one to take the matters further. But he was not.
Like the other night they spent on stargazing when the one kiss eventually turned into a pretty passionate make-out session, when Eren's hand wandered to Mikasa's waist, then her hips, and then...
...after a few moments, Eren said that they should come back inside before Mikasa would catch a cold.
What was that all even supposed to mean?!
So when one night, after he ritually kissed her goodnight, only to afterwards lie down on his half of the bed to go to sleep, something in Mikasa finally snapped.
She looked at him for a moment, and after gathering all the confidence she had stored in her, Mikasa eventually spoke:
"Eren?"
"Yes, Mikasa?" He turned to face her to look at her properly.
Him looking right at her made Mikasa panic a little.
Now or never.
"Eren, why is that… that you've never tried... to touch me?"
Eren felt that had it not been for the fact that he was lying on the bed, he would probably have just fallen over.
"W-What do you mean, exactly?"
"Well..." Unable to look him straight in the eye, she looked down and gently turned away, "we kiss and hug a lot, sometimes you touch my hips when we kiss, but that's it."
If he could, Eren would seriously consider hiding under the bed.
Did she seriously just ask him why they had not done this yet?
Well, of course, it's not like he had not thought about this.
Actually, he had thought about this a lot, a long time before they fled.
What's more, she was the one who appeared in his first-ever, not-so-proper dream when they were fifteen.
(Not that he is going to ever tell her about this. Actually, he has not told anyone about this. But he really wanted to beat the shit out of his subconsciousness the next day for even making him think about her in that way.)
But since the time they had eloped, he found himself thinking about this all the time.
Well, not exactly about this. But being alone with her made him appreciate her even more, in a physical way too.
Her round hips, tiny waist, full thighs, shapely bottom and her...
Breasts.
Dear heaven's, her plump breasts, distinctive and light-looking over her nightgown, tempting him every night.
STOP.
You're never going to see heaven, that's for sure.
Were all men supposed to feel that way? Is this normal? Is this a sign that he's not respecting her?
But he respects her so much, in all possible manners! And even if she told him she's not interested in getting physical in any way whatsoever, he would be disappointed, yes, but he would simply accept that. He would actually prefer to die right here and there than to make her uncomfortable in any way.
But heaven's, yes, he desired her.
*
One could say he matured later than his peers – although he spent the second half of his life sleeping in rooms usually full of other men, which made him familiar with male conversations about women. Still, he had never participated in them, so whenever he was asked a question in the style of 'which girl in the cadets has the biggest ass?' he groaned with irritation every single time. Apparently, it resulted in a rumour of him and Armin having a 'special relationship', which made him roll his eyes exceptionally hard after all the years.
All of this because he simply didn't care and because Armin would never admit his crush on Annie out loud.
But there was one time Eren snapped. More specifically, it was when one time the bunk talk turned into 'which girl from the cadets I'd like to fuck' talk, and someone with a death wish actually had enough balls to answer "Mikasa."
Eren didn't remember much from that particular moment. All he could remember was him getting out of bed in a second, and Armin, who immediately sensed that something was wrong, reached him almost immediately, and the whole room suddenly was looking at him.
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Silence.
"I ASKED. WHO. SAID. THAT."
"Geez, Eren, calm down." Said Jean.
Eren's blood suddenly started boiling.
"SO IT WAS YOU?"
"OF COURSE NOT, YOU DUMBASS!" Jean was screaming now, too. "BUT WHAT'S THIS FUSS ALL ABOUT?"
"Jean..." Marco was already next to his friend, ready to intervene.
"SO YOU HAD ENOUGH BALLS TO SPEAK ABOUT MIKASA IN THIS WAY, AND NOW YOU'RE SCARED WHEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT?!" Eren was basically spasming in the middle of the room.
"E-Eren!" Armin was seriously panicking already. If the instructor hears this…
"Breathe, Eren, it's not worth it", and Reiner was playing mediator as always.
"BESIDES!" it was Jean again, "WHO ARE YOU TO HER THAT YOU'RE SO ANGRY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!"
Well, Jean had a point.
Indeed, who he was to her, exactly? Why was he getting so angry all of a sudden?
Eren stopped dead in his tracks, looked at everybody in the room with disgust, shouted "YOU'RE ALL PIGS!" for the last time, and went to bed again, this time mad at everybody.
The room went awkwardly silent again.
Armin laughed nervously, telling everybody to "just leave it, Eren had just simply overreacted" (as if!), only for Instructor Shadis to enter the room right after:
"What happened in here?!"
Well, all in all, since that day, nobody in 104th ever tried to talk about Mikasa improperly.
(Or at least not without making sure Eren is not present within a 1-metre radius).
*
Eren shook his head a little.
Why did he remember it now?
"Eren?" Mikasa asked again.
Oh, right, she was probably waiting for his answer.
"Um, well, yeah, I've been thinking about it all the time, actually."
Wait, what?
You know what, Eren? She has every right just to leave you here. In the middle of nowhere. Alone.
Seriously, what was that?
Eren was absolutely panicking right now.
"Look, I—"
"Really?" She moved closer to him.
She's seriously going to be the death of him.
"W-Well, not really all the time, but often, yeah!"
You're a lost cause, Jaeger.
"So, why have you never asked?"
Then it dawned on Mikasa.
Maybe he thought about this because he is a man after all and would like to do it, but he never actually asked her about it because she didn't attract him.
Yes, definitely, that's what it was all about.
She suddenly felt foolish for even considering that her body could be alluring for him in any way.
Being a soldier made her body muscular, and because of her Ackerman genes, it was even more muscular than the bodies of other soldier girls.
Not to mention, she was tall and heavy. Naturally, men didn't like that.
She had never allowed herself to be too bothered by such matters because she knew her duty as a soldier was paramount.
"The people inside the walls live in constant danger, and you feel sorry for the fact that your arms are muscular?" She kept telling herself.
However, now, in their shared bed, when she no longer needed to be a soldier, she could finally allow herself a moment of weakness.
Still, the fact that she felt tears welling up in her eyes did not delight her. On the contrary, she felt even more pathetic than ever.
"I-Is it… because of me?" Mikasa whispered with difficulty.
"W-What?" Eren suddenly didn't feel embarrassed anymore (well, almost), but mostly confused.
"You do not find me attractive…?" She tried her best to keep her voice from trembling, with a somewhat… average effect.
Eren blinked in shock several times, feeling that he understood less and less of the situation with each passing minute.
"Why do you think so?" He tried to meet her gaze. "I thought you knew it was exactly the opposite..."
"How?" Mikasa finally looked at him. "You never told me that." She shrugged her shoulders.
Well, she did have a point.
The fact is, Eren never told her that, as he thought it was… quite obvious.
It is also true that, in fact, he did not pay much attention to it over the years.
He remembered his mother calling Mikasa "such a beautiful girl!" once, and at that time, he took it as a fact.
He was also not completely oblivious to how boys from the cadets looked at her and talked about her, with that one time when he snapped was the moment that shed a wave of bitterness.
What he was also aware of was…
...how Jean looked at her.
And he absolutely hated it.
You're not fifteen anymore, Eren. Seriously, stop being pathetic. Jean is not here, but only you, and her.
That's true. It didn't mean he couldn't indulge in that bit of saltiness, however.
Anyways, the point was, for years her beauty was just something he took for granted and thought it was a universally known fact, obvious also to her.
It took him time to start looking at her in the new light, finally seeing for himself what a beautiful woman she was.
And he loved everything about her, her grey eyes, which sometimes appeared almost blue in the light; her black hair and how they seemed to suit her no matter what length it currently was and what hairstyle she decided to wear; her fair complexion, which looked so good and it matched his tanned one so well…
And her figure… Dear Lord, her figure.
Yes, of course he knew she was muscular. And it might be considered not traditionally feminine, but who cared about that, anyway?
As a young brat while still in cadets, he was jealous of her muscles.
Now, however… he wanted to kiss every single one of them.
And besides, it still didn't take the typical feminine parts from her figure that make his knees go weak.
Oh God, she was perfect.
How could she ever doubt that?
How could he ever let her start to doubt it?
Eren could go for hours with praising and admiring her, but in the end, all that left his mouth was:
"In my eyes, you're the most beautiful woman in the whole world. And I'm absolutely willing to show it to you, if you're going to let me, of course."
Something that she couldn't name at the moment made Mikasa shudder.
"Show me, then."
Eren swallowed and hesitated for a moment.
How are you even supposed to start this, exactly?
Probably kissing her would be a good way to begin, he thought.
So he did.
He delicately cupped her face in his hands, stroking her soft pink cheeks with his thumbs, and kissed her full pink lips as if his life depended on it.
It was not the first time they kissed – this time, however, carried completely different emotions to it.
After a while, when they both went out of breath, he went with his kisses lower.
He kissed her cheeks, her jaw, her neck...
She had a beautiful neck. It was rarely visible, though, because she insisted on wearing the scarf even after all those years. So naturally, he appreciated it, especially when he finally understood fully what precisely the scarf meant to her – however, he would lie if he said he didn't enjoy seeing her neck in all its glory.
He went with his kisses further, but at the moment he passed her collarbone and reached the outline of her breasts, delicately looking over her nightgown, he panicked again.
They had never gone any further than that.
Is he supposed to do what now?
"Eren?" Mikasa whispered with difficulty between heavy breaths.
Feeling his face turn red, Eren buried his face in the hollow between her neck and shoulder while gently stroking her torso and hip.
"W-Would you like to...?" he whispered as his lips brushed her neck.
Mikasa felt a shudder.
On the one hand, of course, she wanted it.
On the other hand, the thought of presenting herself completely naked in front of him made her panic suddenly.
"I-I..."
He just told you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
You ran away together, and there are only you two here.
Who else do you trust as much as not him?
"I-It's okay." She finally whispered.
Eren raised his head slightly to look at her again and to gently stroke her cheek.
And her scar.
"I-If you don't like something... you will tell me, right?"
She nodded her head.
"Promise me." He added.
"I promise."
Eren kissed her cheek.
"O-Okay, so..."
He got a little anxious again.
That's when they both were supposed to get naked…?
Not knowing any better, he grabbed the hem of his sleeping shirt and pulled it off.
Mikasa was looking at him intensely.
Of course, it's not the first time she saw his bare torso, but this time it was different.
He was blessed with no special bloodline and had to work several times harder to reach the form he is in now.
She brought her hand to his chest and started wandering, every one of his muscles on his flawless skin, she touched it. It was the first time in her life she was doing it, and it felt amazing.
Eren was slightly embarrassed and a little overwhelmed by being an object of this type of attention from Mikasa.
"M-Mikasa..."
"I'm just admiring you. You're, uhm, h-handsome?" She said, uncertain, not sure how she should describe it.
Eren chuckled.
Deep down, though, her words ignited something in him.
Obviously, he wanted to look good for her. That's why he decided on getting the haircut and had learned to use a razor before that. Thank God for his titan regenerating powers, or his face would not look pretty, at least at the very beginning.
He also couldn't be more than delighted she found him attractive as well.
He didn't care, usually.
But her praise...
He went on to kiss her neck again, only to move to her shoulder.
He dropped the strap of her nightgown, so he could kiss the shoulder unhindered.
Mikasa gasped.
"Is it okay?" Eren asked with his mouth at her collarbone.
"Y-Yeah", she sighed.
When Eren was right above her breasts again, he looked at Mikasa shyly.
"C-Can I… see them…?"
Dear heaven's, Jaeger, you're so pathetic.
What is she even supposed to think about you now…
"Yes. Take the nightgown off me."
Oh.
Dear heaven's...
While Eren was still processing what precisely she had just said to him a moment ago, she already got up and sat down, looking at him expectantly.
Eren swallowed and gently helped her pull her nightgown over her head.
Dear heaven's, once again...
Now, almost completely bare, save for her white cotton underwear, and having her pale complexion illuminated by the moonlight falling through the window, she looked like some mystical being out of this world.
And her brea—
"I'm embarrassed."
"Um, sorry."
Stop looking at her like some creep.
"I apologise, I didn't mean to make you uneasy, but... you're so beautiful it's hard to stop."
"Don't say this."
"I mean it."
Mikasa felt like literally her whole body was getting red.
Eren brought his hands to delicately caress her waist, cautiously brushing the underside of her breasts.
"C-Can I...?"
"Y-You can."
He didn't need any more encouragement.
When he was caressing her breasts with both his hands and his mouth, Mikasa was finding it harder and harder to keep quiet. Finally, Eren needed to stop for a moment to tell her, "I really want to hear you, and it's only both of us here, you do not need to be embarrassed", so she could let go of her inhibitions.
And did Eren love listening to her. He would have never guessed before that she was able to sound like this, so feminine, and he couldn't be happier than to know she's enjoying it as much as him.
When he eventually let go of her breasts and started going with his kisses lower, he finally realised his sleeping pants began to feel unbearably tight.
And what was worse – Mikasa noticed.
And she grabbed him here.
What in the world—
Eren whimpered.
"M-Mikasa!"
"You don't like it?"
This woman.
Eren swallowed and sighed heavily.
He had to be honest with himself – if it continued to be like this, he would not last at all.
He was not a specialist by any means, but he knew it would usually happen initially. However, he was also aware of how much it cost her to get so vulnerable with him like this, and he would have never forgiven himself if he could not make her enjoy it all even a bit.
He looked at her again and delicately grabbed her shoulders.
"Look, Mikasa... I might not last." He blushed even more, as if it was even possible. "You're... you're just too much already, even when you just touched me, I—"
Mikasa shrugged.
"It's normal. I don't mind."
Of course it's what she said.
"Yeah, but look, before we… go all the way, I'd like to please you in some other way. I-If you let me, o-of course."
Mikasa looked at him with interest.
"Some other way...?"
Eren touched his neck nervously.
"Like... I can try to touch you there."
Oh.
She knew it was a thing – girls would talk about it between each other; it was sometimes very vaguely described in the romantic novels she had read. It wasn't the first thing that came to her mind, however.
But seeing Eren so concerned, so willing to make it pleasurable for her… it really made Mikasa's heart melt.
"Okay. We can try."
"B-But..." Eren looked down, "you'll have to help me, because I'm not sure how exactly—"
She kissed his cheek.
"Don't worry. We'll make it work." And she smiled at him so tenderly, so lovingly, he immediately felt like he stopped breathing for a moment.
Eren eventually took Mikasa in his arms, and they laid on the bed together. After his hand finally went into her underwear and he passed a tuft of hair and touched her womanhood, he came to the conclusion that pleasing her might be his favourite activity ever. Seeing her face full of delight and listening to her sounds of pleasure could basically make him come alone.
(Thankfully, it did not.)
After Mikasa helped Eren find that one spot that made her basically scream in eternal pleasure, she experienced feelings that she would not consider possible. Even though she was never really big on this, she had touched herself there a few times, but it had never felt like this. She wasn't sure if it's because it was Eren who was currently touching her there, but it didn't matter at that moment.
Finally, after a wave of something which apparently was pure ecstasy flowed through her body and her legs finally stopped shaking, she opened her eyes and looked at him again.
Eren was gently stroking her shoulder all this time and was looking at her, concerned.
"Did it feel good?"
Mikasa chuckled while still trying to catch her breath properly.
"If it was supposed to just feel good, I'm afraid to think what will happen to me when it feels great."
Eren laughed lightly and kissed her arm.
"Well, we'll reach that point eventually as well."
He was glad that after years of despair, he could finally give her this, at least. But after realising now was the moment they're supposed to move on to the main point, he panicked again.
"Look, Mikasa, we really don't need to do this..."
"I want this."
Oh.
Eren moved himself to hover over her, and before he fully positioned, he said once again:
"If it hurts, I'll stop."
"Okay."
The experience was… overwhelming. It was nothing like bunker talks described it.
It was a million times better.
Eren wasn't sure beforehand if it was possible for him to love Mikasa even more, but now he knew it definitely was.
After him asking her like a thousand times, "Is it okay? Should I go slower? Should I stop?", they eventually found their common rhythm, and, to their absolute delight, they finally became one.
Mikasa had to admit – the beginning wasn't as bad as Sasha made it seem to be and how the romantic novels had described it. Sure, it hurt a little at the beginning, but probably thanks to Eren's care and him making sure she's well-prepared, the pain quickly changed into a feeling of being full and eventually into sheer pleasure.
Unfortunately for Eren, though, his worst fear became true.
Mikasa's whole body basically being wrapped around him, and the way how warm she was, and how well she seemed to fit him…
Besides, who could fully handle Mikasa Ackerman, right?
It was too much.
He knew it could end like this, but he couldn't help it and still feel embarrassed due to the man's pride.
Mikasa, on the other hand, appeared unbothered. Instead, she laid on her side, facing him and sending the biggest smile in his way.
"Thank you, Eren."
Why is she thanking him? He didn't do anything.
"Why are you crying, Eren?"
Wait, was he crying?
A quick touch to his cheek seemed to confirm this – he was undoubtedly crying.
But why?
"Is it because of that? I told you, that's okay, it's normal. Besides, you pleasured me beforehand, and we can always practice—"
"Mikasa, I…" it's almost as if his mouth moved on its own, "I'm aware I'm not the best with words, so I rarely say this, probably should do that more often, but, I hope you realise," he touched her cheek, "that I love you, so so much..."
"I know." Mikasa looked him in the eyes. "And I love you too."
He knew he didn't deserve any of that, but he did not want to delve too much into this for one moment in his life.
He loved her, and she loved him.
Maybe it was just supposed to be this way.
Eren took Mikasa in his arms and kissed her head.
"You know what, you're right, we'll practice sooo much from now on."
Mikasa groaned.
"You just had to comment on that, didn’t you?'"
Eren simply chuckled.
"Goodnight, sweetheart. And thank you so much."
*
Mikasa was right in the end (as always, probably).
Lovemaking really kept on getting better with time.
They continued to live in their cabin at peace. Some people could say it was an uneventful or even dull life, but it was absolutely perfect for them, and neither of them could ask for more, in fact.
They rarely argued. If they did, it was just usual unimportant arguments called 'who should go to the village to buy things and who shouldn't', and the usual tender kiss was enough to get the argument over.
Nevertheless, they quarrelled several times, like on Mikasa's 22nd birthday.
As it used to be in February, especially in the mountains, winter was in full swing.
Therefore, when Eren woke up early that morning and still saw darkness outside the window, he only sighed deeply. Circumstances were not really inviting for travelling very far, but Eren knew that if he wanted to prepare the surprise, the sooner he left, the better.
If there was any problematic aspect to living in a quiet cabin in the mountains, it was definitely a financial one.
It was tolerable for most of the year. As they were relatively self-sufficient, they didn't need to spend that much. They ate some of the things they hunted or bred, and they sold some to have money to buy things that they could not make on their own (such as flour). Some of the money though, mainly to Mikasa's insistence (as she was the one who mostly gripped the finances), they'd put off for a 'rainy day', that is, if it was necessary to call for a doctor suddenly, et cetera. In winter, as hunting was difficult, the finances were also worse. They agreed that they would not, therefore, spend on things beside on what was absolutely necessary. From time to time, Eren only managed to persuade Mikasa to buy ice cream. He knew she wouldn't buy them herself, despite how much she loved them.
The thing Eren was going to buy now during his visit in the village was definitely not essential, but he really wanted to give Mikasa something special for her birthday, as he knew that he would not be able to spend many more with her.
Don't think about it. Focus on the fact that you can definitely spend today together.
As Eren struggled through the snow-covered road a few hours later, a thousand thoughts were racing in his mind.
Will Mikasa like it? How will she react?
Is it really a good choice?
Mikasa, on the other hand, was bustling in the kitchen cooking dinner. After waking up, and being greeted by a note, "I'm in the village, I'll be back before dinner. Love ♡, Eren", she was sincerely surprised. For a moment, she wondered if he might have forgotten about her birthday, but that wasn't his style – since they started living here, he'd wake her up with kisses every birthday and then they'd spend the day together, even baking a cake together.
What was Eren up to this time?
Mikasa's doubts as to whether Eren remembered were quickly dispelled – she was greeted with a prepared breakfast and another note, "I'm sorry I won't eat with you – but I promise I'll make it up to you later. Enjoy! ♡." Mikasa rolled her eyes, but at the same time, she couldn't help but smile.
What could he possibly need from the village?
When Eren came back a few hours later, Mikasa immediately ran towards him.
Then she saw that he was carrying something big.
Mikasa studied the object in his hands.
"Is that—"
"Gramophone!" Eren exclaimed with a smile on his lips.
Indeed, he was incredibly proud of himself. A merchant of all the possible equipment from the village sold him the gramophone for half price as it was second-hand, and in the words of the merchant himself, "he had no idea for how much longer it would play." Additionally, he added a few recordings.
Eren knew how Mikasa loved music. He remembered when they were little, and one day he saw her and his mother watering flowers together and Mikasa singing a song to her. It was the first time he fell in love with her voice. Unfortunately, when he asked her about it later, Mikasa was embarrassed and only said that it was a song her mother had taught her.
The next time he heard her singing was while they were in the training corps, during one of the bonfires. Everyone was absolutely delighted with her performance, of course, and Eren felt something he could not name at the time, even though now years later, he knew that, however pathetic it sounded, he was just jealous.
Not everyone here deserved to hear her beautiful singing, he thought to himself then.
They first saw the gramophone when, during one get-together, Niccolo showed it to them. All the scouts were delighted with this 'weird box that could play sounds', with Commander Hange absolutely losing it.
Of course, Eren also noticed immediately how completely speechless Mikasa seemed to be and with what enchantment she was staring at the gramophone. It was the first time that it crossed his mind that if he could, he would have loved to give her one, but 1) he wasn't sure if he would get one in Paradis at all and if he could afford it; 2) and even if he could, of course, he would have chickened out to give it to her.
For the first time in his life, he asked her to sing something while they were still building a cabin and were sitting by the fire one evening. At first, Mikasa was very embarrassed, but after Eren's assurances that there was no one else here except for him and perhaps the surrounding animals, she finally agreed and sang him the same song that she sang to his mother almost ten years ago. When she finished, and Eren told her that he thought she had the most beautiful voice in the world, Mikasa blushed even more (he was falling in love with her blushes more every day...), and she replied that he hadn't heard too many singing voices in his life, to which Eren just shook his head with a smile.
It all concluded into the fact that Eren absolutely wanted to give her a gramophone. He knew they didn't have much time left together, and he wanted to be able to leave her at least this.
Mikasa, on the other hand, continued to stare at the gramophone in amazement. When rational thinking started coming back to her after the initial shock, she finally stammered:
"W-Where did you get it?"
"Hmm?" Eren looked at her from the dresser on which he had started to set up the gramophone. "I bought it in a village from one merchant."
"Excuse me?"
"What? Ugh, it needs to be set up right—"
"Eren! It must have cost a fortune!" Mikasa grabbed her head.
"What? Not at all, the price was attractive because—"
"Why didn't you consult with me?!"
Eren frowned.
"Was I supposed to discuss your birthday surprise with you?"
Mikasa, feeling that she was getting faint, fell into the chair.
"You know how hard it is with our finances, especially in winter, meanwhile—"
"But what exactly do you mean?!" Eren started waving his arms as he always did when he was concerned. "I just wanted to please you!"
It was now Mikasa's turn to furrow her brows.
"It will be a pleasure for me if we don't starve or freeze to death just because you've decided to spend our money on rubbish—"
"RUBBISH?!" Eren was screaming for the first time in a long time, "ARE YOU REALLY CALLING YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT RUBBISH?!” Eren's voice suddenly got stuck in his throat, and he felt tears of frustration begin to pour into his eyes, "especially recently I was trying to catch as many fish as possible and hunt as many hares as possible to have money to buy it for, I'm not that stupid, I didn't take all of our savings", he hid his face in his hands, "I just wanted to please you on your birthday, I thought you'd be happy..."
Suddenly, Mikasa felt like the worst person on the entire planet.
He was right; she noticed that lately, he spent much time on catching fish and hunting hares, but she did not think much of it.
You're the worst. He just wanted to make you happy on your birthday, and you lashed out at him. Are you proud of yourself?
Mikasa flushed with shame.
"I’m sorry." She said after a moment of absolute silence.
Eren sighed.
"No, I'm sorry..."
"I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that..."
"I shouldn't be spending that much money without consulting it with you..."
"I just got scared because I'm so worried that we have enough money for everything, but I should have asked you first..."
"You were right, it's good that you can manage our finances like this ..."
"I was wrong."
"You were right."
"Eren."
"Mikasa."
After staring at each other vigorously for several minutes, they finally both burst out laughing at the same time.
Once they both calmed down, Mikasa walked over to him.
"Thank you, Eren. It's a wonderful gift." And she cuddled up to him, hoping that this would also show her gratitude and, at the same time, repentance.
Eren understood, and he hugged her with one hand around her waist, and with the other, he stroked her back tenderly.
"The pleasure is mine. Happy birthday, Mikasa."
Mikasa smiled into his chest.
"How about that, we'll have dinner and then listen to these records together."
Eren kissed her forehead.
"Everything for my birthday girl."
Days passed, and days turned into weeks, and these turned into months.
Day by day, Eren began to notice more and more signs of the titan curse taking over his body.
Initially, he did his best to prevent Mikasa from noticing – he always had a handkerchief with him to cover up the signs of a nosebleed quickly; he took breaks more often so that it would not be seen how strenuous daily activities such as chopping wood had started to make him; every day he obsessively looked at himself in the mirror, fearing for visible titan marks on his face.
But Mikasa knew.
She always knew.
When they went on a picnic one summer day to their favourite meadow in front of the waterfall, Eren repeatedly asked for a break, whether to tie a shoe or drink some water (in fact, he really needed to catch his breath).
When they finally got there and lay down on the blanket, as always when they stared at the clouds together, Mikasa finally decided to speak:
"I can see you are feeling worse and worse."
Eren sighed.
In fact, he was an idiot if he thought he could hide it from her in the long run.
"Mikasa... I don't have much time."
"I know."
They both knew what they were signing up for when they ran away.
So why did it hurt so much?
"Tell me, Eren..." Mikasa turned to her side so she could get a better look at him. "Have you ever wanted children?"
Eren looked at her in shock.
Why is she asking this? And why now?!
"Mikasa..."
"Eren, tell me, please. I want to know."
Eren considered his answer for a moment.
"To be honest with you, I never really thought about it." He looked at her. "First, because I was a young brat who didn't have such things on my mind, and then, we found out about a 13-year curse..."
Mikasa was staring at him intently the whole time.
"But," Eren continued, "if it weren't for that, then… I think I would wish for us to have a big family."
Mikasa was playing with a blade of grass absentmindedly.
"I've always wanted children." She finally said. "At least a boy and a girl, and maybe more. And," she looked at him again, "for years I couldn't imagine it would be with anyone other than you..."
In an instant, Eren felt his heart leap into his throat, and tears began to flood his eyes.
"M-Mikasa, I'm sorry—"
"Don't say anything, Eren, it's not your fault."
"If only I could... I'm sorry I can't give you this..."
After a while, he realised that tears were running down his face and also down Mikasa's face. Eren took her in his arms, and they cuddled up on the blanket and cried together. Neither of them knew how much time had passed, but they lay there until the sun began to hide below the horizon.
About a few weeks later, Mikasa was standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, brushing her hair and staring at her reflection.
She couldn't remember ever having her hair been this long before, even when she was a kid. Eren said it suited her very well.
Eren.
They both knew the worst could come almost any moment now, but neither dared speaking out about it.
Mikasa's thoughts involuntarily returned to the events of the previous night.
She was brushing her hair as she was doing today, sitting at the dressing table in their bedroom. To Mikasa's surprise, Eren suddenly offered to help her with this task. Of course, she agreed.
After he sat down behind her and began brushing her hair, he also started telling her that no matter what she thought, she would always be the most beautiful woman in the world to him; that he was too stupid and too possessed by a childish rebellion to understand it before, but he had loved her for as long as he could remember; that he is glad they could spend these four years together.
Mikasa held back her tears with difficulty.
The combing of the hair didn't take extremely long. Pretty soon, it turned into kissing her jaw, neck and shoulders.
After all, they made love that night as they used to, when they first discovered their shared intimacy – and it hadn't happened in a long time, because Eren was afraid that in his deteriorating condition, he simply wouldn't have managed. However, that night, he used all his strength and feelings to show her how much he loved her for the last time.
As Mikasa lay in his arms and it seemed that no part of her body was left out of his caresses, proving to her how much she was loved and desired, only one thought crossed her mind:
“How could I ever love anyone as much as him?”
Back in the present, Mikasa grabbed the scissors and looked at herself one more time.
She wasn't sure what had gotten over her then - sadness, anger, impulse, or maybe all at once? - but in the second, part of her hair has been cut. She finished when her hair was shoulder-length as it used to be.
Cut hair piled up in the sink, and Mikasa slumped to the floor.
She couldn't remember for how long she cried that night.
The next morning, when Eren struggled to reach the kitchen, Mikasa's hair was the first that caught his attention.
"Oh, you cut your hair."
Mikasa shrugged.
"Something inspired me yesterday."
Eren smiled at her with the last of his strength.
"This length suits you very well too. Like the good old days."
Mikasa looked at him, and even in her eyes, he could see her great worry.
Or was it pain? Sadness? Anger?
"Mikasa..." Eren spoke after a moment. "Could we... go outside?"
"What about breakfast...?"
"I'm not hungry. Please."
Fortunately, Mikasa didn't continue the topic, but walked over to him, took his arm, and they left the house together.
The weather that day was beautiful. The sun lit up the whole area, which made it even more magical. Two birds circled in the sky, and the sky itself was crystal blue.
At that moment, Eren felt how much he would miss this place.
He didn't want to leave.
Finally, helplessly, Eren sat down on the bench in front of the house.
"Mikasa... do you remember our conversation? Two months after the Marley war ended, and I told you that invasion on Paradis would begin soon."
Mikasa only nodded her head.
"I also told you that you still have a long life ahead for you, and to… forget me."
"I can't do that."
Eren opened his mouth wide in surprise and looked at her in shock.
"Mikasa..."
"Like I said, I can't do that." She repeated, indifferently. "And you can't expect that of me after everything we had gone through together. I can promise you that I will try to live the best life I can. But I will never forget you."
Eren looked at her, sadly.
"I just want you to be happy, I really do..."
"You had made me happy already."
"But... now it's probably goodbye."
Mikasa simply nodded, holding back tears with all her strength.
The time to cry will come later.
"What we experienced here... didn't happen in the main timeline."
Mikasa nodded again.
"I had that feeling for some time already."
"But I wanted us to live it through, because", Eren continued, "I needed you to know that it's okay to let me go, and..." he paused for a minute, having apparent difficulty pronouncing these words, "I wanted to make sure that you know I could've never hated you. Never."
"I know." Mikasa confirmed, stopping her voice from breaking with much difficulty.
"Also, you're the only one who can stop me. Because I love you so much."
Mikasa nodded and leaned over him.
"I love you too." She whispered.
"I will be in the mouth." Eren spoke with the last of his strength.
Mikasa took his face in her hands.
"See you later, Eren."
When seventy years later Mikasa was lying in her bed while giving her last breath, she was happy.
She was not sure if it was normal to feel happy when one's soul was leaving one's body.
But she truly did feel happy.
She kept her promise.
She lived the good life she wanted with her family.
It wasn't the best life, but it was as good as she could make it.
She also never forgot about him.
How could she?
Mikasa closed her eyes.
The scarf was lying neatly folded just right next to her.
When she woke up again, at first, Mikasa didn't recognise her surroundings.
Where was she…?
She looked around.
Apparently, she fell asleep while sitting on a bench.
Is it really… it looks like…
"Mikasa!"
There's no way…
Eren was standing just right next to her, holding the fishing rod with two fish caught on it.
"You came back, finally!" He smiled beamingly at her.
She smiled back.
"Yes, Eren, I'm back, back at our home."
*
THE END.