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"Pink is white now."
It begins as just the colour. They don't mean for her to hear it, but she always does.
"Pink is white now," the walls whisper when they see her, explaining to each other her existence; why she's here. They aren't talking to her. They don't ask her. But she knows; she's seen her. It's terrifying, but it doesn't concern her, so she pays it little mind.
"Pink is White now," she hears hissed when they falter on what to call her. She ought to feel guilty, but it isn't her business. They hesitate before calling her Pink.
She rarely keeps such company, so she doesn't notice when it stops. She doesn't know if it's always this quiet, or if Blue and Yellow just don't want to talk to her. She often talks with the court's pearls when they are left alone, but perhaps it's different with diamonds.
It's not.
She's existed for several years when Blue's finally speaks to her. She's used to curt nods of acknowledgement, and the sudden lack of silence startles her.
"You're quite curious."
The voice is quiet, a perpetual whisper, but it still makes her jump. She stares and tilts her head, but Blue does not elaborate.
"Curious?"
She thinks Blue looks thoughtful, but with her eyes covered it's impossible to tell.
"You aren't pink."
She blinks at her, and the whispered phrase repeats in her head. She isn't Pink, but Pink is White now, and no one talks to White. She wonders how much older they are than her. She wonders how long White was Pink. She doesn't have a backup identity, and she's not Pink.
Her diamond storms past, and she has no choice but to follow. Part of her wants to glance back at Blue. She doesn't. It wouldn’t be proper.
She couldn't avoid them if she wanted to. They're together so much it's comical, though she has no say in this, of course. She doesn't know if most pearls have friends, but she seems to have the option; they just don't give her the chance.
Eventually, they do.
The three of them are waiting outside of a room when Blue speaks up again.
"You aren't pink," she hears for the second time, and again she isn't sure what to say. But this time, Yellow is there too, and she doesn’t look impressed. She never does.
“Of course not,” Yellow snarks, and she realizes then that the two of them must be close. How could they not be? “Otherwise, she’d look like her.”
She realizes now that Blue meant her colour, but the damage is done. Yellow doesn’t say her name. She knows why. Or, at least, she has an idea. To them, she isn’t Pink; she’s replaced her. Yellow doesn’t like that.
Blue doesn’t react. “You’re very colourful,” she says instead, and she wonders if she means to compliment her. She's colourful because it's her default. She's default because her diamond doesn't want her. She can't blame her at this rate; she's supposed to make her happy, but so far she can't even manage to make her smile.
・
They talk to her more often after that. It’s self-indulgent and therefore pointless, but she appreciates it anyway; she doesn’t often get the chance, seeing other pearls so sparingly. Her diamond doesn't get as many visitors.
Strangers' pearls spare her subtle glances when they spot her on her own, or share with her the harmless gossip she rarely gets to hear—being so close to the top, she never sees such scandals herself. At first she thinks they are just making sure she’s still around, but soon she understands that that’s just how it is. They notice each other, though hardly anyone else does. Even among the diamonds they’re close acquaintances, but she doesn’t know that she can call them her friends. She barely knows them, but then, there’s not much to know about a pearl.
Yellow Diamond occasionally enters with little more warning than the chime, waving her aside. She retreats to the wall, and Yellow hops up next to her. Yellow always gives her a funny look before she settles, and she learns to smile back, even if she knows her diamond won’t be happy to see them. It’s increasingly nice to see her, as pretentious as she often acts.
Blue Diamond visits more often, but she enters with more care. Blue, too, is less brash, and bows her head lightly as they take their places side-by-side. She demands less attention than Yellow, that’s for certain. She takes solace in both their presences, even when their diamonds unnerve her.
・
They don't tend to know other gems personally, so it's fine to refer to one another by association. Yellow is Yellow's, Blue is Blue's. She's Pink's, but only strangers call her Pink, and even then only fleetingly; there's not much she can share from the shoulder of a diamond, so she knows she's not much talked about.
She's at least half a century old when she first hears them use it.
"Are you nervous, Pink?"
She doesn't realize they're addressing her at first, but after a moment she turns, and Blue and Yellow are watching her.
She dissipates the screen she'd been working on. "Nervous?" she echoes. It doesn't matter how she feels, but it's nice to make conversation.
Blue nods, and Yellow explains. "My diamond will take Pink Diamond to her new colony soon," she reminds her with permanent disdain, but she's used to that by now. How long will that take, she wonders with brief amusement. What a theoretically long time to have to stand next to Yellow. She thinks she knows why they're asking, though; she's never been off-world before.
"Not at all," she lies. There are many things she hasn't done before, but it's only a byproduct of her youth. She's not nervous about the trip, but when they return, her diamond will still not have a colony of her own. Her diamond will still not be happy.
She hasn't a clue what she's done wrong, but she still gets the impression she doesn't like her. It's not her job to be liked, nor does she think it's at all necessary, but surely it would help to not be actively ignored and left behind. If she had any business in saying so, she'd say it was intentional.
Yellow shares a look with Blue, but that's the end of the conversation, for Blue Diamond exits the chamber. She and Yellow snap to attention, giving a rigid diamond salute as Blue follows her diamond on her way.
・
She usually waits outside the room on the colony's moon, but at least Yellow sometimes joins her. It's odd; she often stands inside on Homeworld, but here she only rarely steps foot near the console. It hardly seems efficient, but she's not about to question the diamonds, even only in her meaningless thoughts.
Yellow becomes more tolerable the more time they spend together, even if they're only standing in silence for most of it. Blue’s not there for her to impress, so she notices she smiles at her more often. It’s that same smug little grin she gives her whenever they cross paths, but she grows to find it charming. There's not much reason to refer to one another by name—not when it's just the two of them—but she gets the impression that Yellow calls her Pink more than is necessary for association's sake; to equate her with the word in her head. Because she's not Pink, she's only replacing her. Because Pink is White now, but that doesn't make her the new Pink. She doesn't know why Pink is White now. It's not for her to know.
・
Her age is less relevant once she's more experienced, but she's been around a short while. Now, they call her the name so often that she can't help but think of herself that way too. She's Pink's, so pearls call her Pink.
Her diamond holds a ball, and she introduces her confidently, because she's Pink now. They don't talk about White anymore. They're afraid to. White Diamond still joins the other three, but her pearl is a rare sight to see. Pink still sees her sometimes, but she can't talk about it. Her presence feels off. Different. Wrong. Frankly, she's scary. She didn't think a pearl could be scary. She gets the impression she wasn't always this way.
They don't talk at all when White is with them. They don't even move. Her diamond's court visits, and their pearls join her outside, but she looks away when they ask about White Diamond's pearl. Pink is White now, and White is terrifying. She’s the new Pink.
She’s over a few thousand years old when her diamond is given a colony. It’s a cause for great relief. For a time, she's happy, and Pink sees more gems than she even knew to exist while they prepare. She's too busy now for chats outside the door, but in their fleeting glances, Blue seems happy for her. Yellow still wears her permanent scowl, but she's learned by now that she cares too, however hard-pressed to admit it; Pink knows how to glean a grin out of her. She rarely sees White. She's forgotten White was Pink. She's Pink, and her diamond has a colony now.
The colony doesn't keep her happy, though. It's not important what she thinks, but it makes her nervous that she doesn't know what to do. Her diamond has a colony; wasn't that what she wanted? They're on the planet's moon to monitor its progress, and she appears to be worried, but Pink doesn't know how to fix it. She averts her gaze when her diamond catches her watching, but looks back up when she suddenly speaks to her directly.
"Could you imagine that running a colony would be this dull?"
She doesn't know what to say, but saying nothing would be improper. "I could imagine it if you would like me to, my diamond."
Her diamond frowns. She frowns back. She responded incorrectly. She thinks of herself as Pink now, but she doesn’t think her diamond does. She's just failed some sort of test, though she can't possibly understand how.
Her diamond is so very unpredictable. She thinks she's done well when she smiles at the prospect of her new quartz soldiers, but she's just as soon frowning again. Pink smiles anyway, hoping it will pass. Hoping maybe she will see her and smile too. This was what she wanted. She is supposed to be happy.
Instead, she sighs. "I wish I could just be there."
Pink’s smile falters for a moment, but she steps forward. "I'll have us warped into the kindergarten at once, my diamond," she offers.
Her diamond laughs, and it's the sound of her feigned success. She mentions Yellow and Blue, but her diamond is not a pearl, so it is clear she means the diamonds.
"You look so happy," she says as she projects the hypothetical vision her diamond requested of her. That's all she wants.
Her diamond laughs when she dissipates her projection, but she doesn't laugh with her. She lowers her gaze, and her diamond is a quartz. Her diamond is a quartz. Does this mean she isn't Pink anymore?
They're in the kindergarten, and she doesn't understand what she's done when she shushes her. "Pearl, you're gonna get us in trouble." She's smiling, but it doesn't make sense why.
She catches her drift a little late. "Sorry, my...quartz," she tries. Her diamond's laughter is a reward in itself, but she can't help but be confused. This is unprecedented. Her diamond is a quartz, but she's happy. What does that make her?
When they return to the planet's moon, her diamond is a diamond again, but she's no longer happy.
・
Her diamond stages a rebellion, and she can't say no. The goal is a reason to stop work on the colony that she had so desperately wanted to have. She doesn't understand why, but it’s not her purpose to understand. Her diamond isn't happy, and she supposes this will help. Something has to.
She tells her to imagine things, and she finds she can't stop. She doesn't feel as worthy of being Pink, but her diamond is happy, so she must be doing something right. She's not Pink when they're pretending to be rebels, though—she can't be. But that doesn't matter. It's not like it's real.
Then they witness a cross-gem fusion. Then her diamond, "Rose Quartz", recruits her, and suddenly it's not a game anymore. Suddenly they're not fighting just for show. Now a diamond— her diamond—is leading a rebellion. Now this is real, and so is the danger.
She's offered an out, but she doesn't quite understand it. "You don't have to do this with me," her diamond says, but doesn't she know that she does?
"But I want to," she protests, because that's what she's supposed to say.
She begs her to understand the stakes. "If we lose, we'll be killed, and if we win, we can never go home."
She understands that she can't leave her to do it alone; she's nothing without her, after all.
There are no other pearls in the rebellion. How could there be? She learns to say all sorts of things a pearl has no business saying. The new rebel gems ask her who she belongs to, and she doesn't know what to say. Her diamond is fighting a war against herself. She opens her mouth to give the fake name, but her diamond answers for her. "Nobody," she says, and from then on it's automatic. There are no other pearls in the rebellion, so she has no need for a second nickname. She's still Pink, but no one that matters needs to know.
・
She doesn't know if there's other pearls in the rebellion. If there are, they don't last long. Maybe it’s because gems think they're her. Maybe it's because they just aren't meant to fight. Or maybe it's because gems like to watch them shatter. She doesn't know if there's other pearls in the rebellion, and she wonders if that's her fault.
She makes real friends; friends who don't know what it's like to be nothing, or at least who don't act like it. They've always been someone, and they take it for granted. She's still content just being Pink, though her secret identity is just a pearl. They treat her like she's someone here, and that's odd to her, but she's also a fun little novelty. They ask, now joking, who she belongs to. They laugh when she declares it's nobody. It's not even true, but she starts to believe it herself.
She's still Pink, but she becomes used to just being Pearl. She wonders if that's how non-diamond pearls must feel; the ones without the chance to make acquaintances. The difference is that the rebels talk with her like other pearls do—even the ones who shouldn't give her the time of day. With them, she's not a status symbol. "Renegade" is a cute nickname, but to the rebellion, she's just "Pearl", and the gems there don't take that lightly. She is someone there, and she kind of likes that, although it's hard to admit that that matters.
It's her fantasy. Her and Rose Quartz. She doesn't belong to her—she's Pink, after all—but she finally makes her happy.
She's Pearl, and for another thousand years, she's still Pink. Until she's not.
She doesn't get to say goodbye, but nor does she feel able to say no.
She's been pretending to be this novelty. This renegade. This ownerless pearl. She's been pretending, but when, to the knowledge of everyone but her, she shatters her diamond, she cries. She's not pretending anymore. Her diamond is Rose Quartz now, and Rose doesn't have a pearl. She's not Pink anymore, because there is no Pink diamond.
She's not Rose Quartz. She's not Pink Diamond. She's no longer even Pink. For the second time, there is no more Pink. Pink is just Pearl now. She can't tell her friends; she can't tell Blue and Yellow. Not because they'd sell her out, but because she can't tell anyone. She isn't able anymore. She wonders if she should have said something when she had the chance. Pink is Pearl now, but now no one can know.
She drops the ruse when she thinks she's safe, but the fighting doesn't stop; not after what she's done. She hits the ground hard, and her sword nearly shatters under the weight of a quartz's. She's fighting for her life now, because now she has nothing to go back to. The rebellion's never felt more real.
She's standing on the empty battlefield, only it wasn't empty minutes ago. She's trying to make sense of what she's seen, but she can't quite believe it. She doesn't shake. She doesn't cry.
"We're the only ones left," she tells herself aloud, but her voice is broken, and she collapses to her knees. Rose. Garnet. Herself; Pearl. Pink is dead now, so she can't be Pink. "Why did I do it?"
She doesn't know who she is anymore, but she's done pretending to be someone else; this is the result.
・
She's not Pink anymore. Now, she's Pearl. But not that kind of Pearl, right?
She has trouble talking about Homeworld. Garnet seems to think it's because of how it must have been for her, but most of what she feels when her hands clamp her mouth shut is frustration. She thinks that matters, but there's nothing she can do. It's probably for the best; Rose seems to think so. Eventually, she doesn't seem to notice. Pearl learns to talk around it, but she can only take it so far.
She's not Pink anymore, but it takes her thousands of years to understand what that means. Rose says she's free. Pearl thinks she understands, so she nods, but she doesn't leave. She stays by Rose's side until Rose doesn't exist anymore.
She doesn't understand it at first. She's not gone, she's right there. She just won't come out. She wants to help her, but she can't bring herself to try. It was all Rose wanted; she can't just take it from her. There's a lot she doesn't understand about Rose, but it's all she can do to try. It's not just a trick anymore. This time, she truly is alone. That's not natural for a pearl.
She tries to get used to it. It feels like so long ago now, but she still takes pride in the war. It's wrong, and she knows that, but Rose was happy on Earth, and that's a victory for her. She tries to forget just how badly they lost. She wants Steven to know how wonderful his mother was. He grows up so quickly.
She makes a mistake, and there's no one to tell her how to fix it. She's responsible for her actions now, and it's terrifying. It's too much.
As much as she doesn't deserve it, Garnet still helps her anyway. "You are your own gem," she tells her, and it's nothing she hasn't heard before, but this time she's not just a novelty. "You control your destiny." She starts work on believing it.
It's bad when Peridot tells them about the drill. She's almost forgotten what it's like until she's confronted with it, but by now she knows it's not true. She's not Pink anymore. She's someone now, and that matters.
Peridot laughs at her. "Did you teach her to talk like this?" But she's wrong, because she learned it herself. "Who do you belong to, anyway?" She feels like she's back in the rebellion, except this time it's not a joke between friends; Peridot isn't joking, and she's certainly not her friend—Pearl thinks she has the right to be angry. Her response is automatic, but this time she means it. This time it's true, and she can prove it. She already has.
She has a moment of panic when she first sees Yellow again. Who she used to be is right there on the screen, and it'll be all over if her old life stares back. Yellow is bound to recognize her; she's pretty sure Blue already has. They were friends—do pearls have friends? At the very least, they were good acquaintances. She wonders if they still are.
"Who is she?" Steven asks, and she looks away.
But she's good at talking around it by now. She's had a lot of practice. "Not all pearls know each other, Steven."
It's worse when Steven shows her a drawing of the palanquin. Her palanquin. Where she'd done it. Where she'd won the war, but in doing so lost part of herself. They had won, right? She's not sure it matters anymore. At this point, she can't help but wonder what she hadn't lost there.
"What is it about this that you can't tell me?" It's not entirely against her will, but her hands move to her face in anticipation. She turns to Garnet.
"Please, you're making Pearl very upset."
Oh, she's upset all right. She wonders if Garnet knows why. She wonders if Garnet thinks she knows why.
"No, I'm very upset!" He has a right to be, but she can't begin to tell him why. She barely even considers it, and her hands lock into place. It's not her choice anymore. She supposes it never has been.
・
Her muscle memory is gone when she needs it. She carefully considers her every action at the human zoo, because if she's wrong enough it will sell her out. She's not Pink again, though. She hasn't been for a long time.
"Do keep up, pearl." She's almost been able to forget what her name really means.
She's nervous, but she isn't afraid until they hear that Blue Diamond is there. When she opens the door, she's surprised to see both of her old friends before she is dismissed. She wonders if they recognized her. If the diamonds did too, what would they do with her? As terrified as she is, it's nice to see them again.
They're all in the water as Steven is being taken away. "You're wrong!" Garnet shouts, but he stays on the ship. She wants to tell her how right she is. Amethyst threatens and begs him to come down, but Steven still stays on the ship.
He stares at them a moment longer. Maybe he's expecting her to say something too. She wants to scream when he turns his back on them. She thinks those are tears rather than ocean water, but her hands won't let her speak. Rose won't let her speak. She's doomed her own son from knowing what she'd done. Pearl cares more about Steven than she does Rose's secret, but there's nothing she can do.
He seems upset when he comes home, but she's overjoyed. They take him on a "vacation" together, but it doesn't seem to help. When she's volunteered, she doesn't know what to say. She knows what she wants to say, but not what she can.
"There are things that are...impossible for me to explain," she tries anyway. Steven doesn't look at her. "But I want to."
She tries to gun it, but that's not how it works. She keeps trying anyway, clawing at her own hands to pry them from her face. She's confused yet relieved when he blurts out something completely unrelated. He didn't want to know. Not this time, anyway. No one can know, but she still thinks Steven should.
It's a while before he asks, and when he does she's not prepared. She can't say anything. She doesn't know what to do, so she ends up fleeing.
She's tried to forget he asked when he barges into the house, waving his phone around in a frenzy. He’s showing her a text she sent, only, she didn’t send that; her phone is in her gem. She's confused, and maybe a tad concerned, until the second text arrives, and she freezes. She has an idea.
・
She's on the verge of tears when she realizes she can move her own hands.
"I know," he whispers, and she almost can't believe it.
She thought she was free before. Now she knows she is.
・
She’s living her nightmare. The diamonds are on Earth. Yellow Diamond is mere meters from her while Steven explains, and Pearl’s mind blanks automatically. She clasps her hands like a proper pearl when the sense of danger is too much to ignore. The most she’s feared before was standing underfoot, but even now she’s still invisible, and it’s something of a relief.
Steven wants to go to Homeworld, and as she stands between their diamonds, she remembers when their pearls asked if she was nervous. She’s never been more nervous, she thinks. If only they could see her now. Her arms plaster to her sides when the diamonds look at her, and she freezes when Yellow Diamond interrupts her, but she supposes she should have known better.
"I'm only here because I'm bringing your things," she explains when she's able to see him again. "And they consider me one of your things." She's not, though. She knows that now. This time, "Pink" is the fake identity, because she’s Pearl.
The diamond chime is foreign yet familiar, and Yellow appears as disgruntled as ever, which is oddly comforting. Amidst all this change, at least some things will always stay the same. Even the authority symbol is new, lacking the pink at the bottom—that's how she knows it's from Era Two. They're diamond locked, but they still work for her.
She avoids her gaze at first once Steven is gone, but finds Yellow to be staring at her when she looks up. She's living her past; after all these years she still can't find the right words to say.
"Pink." But Yellow still can. "You're alive." Pearl's forgotten how to read her; she's either relieved or annoyed, but when isn't she annoyed?
"I'm alive," she repeats. They stare at each other. It's unnerving; she remembers the stretched out silences, but the tension is something new.
"You didn't say goodbye." It's surprising to hear Yellow sound so heartfelt, especially after all these years. Especially after everything that's happened.
"I didn't get the chance." Everything had happened so fast. It had gone south soon after.
Yellow doesn't relent. She gives her a glare, though it feels more sad than angry. Funny to think she's even capable of anything else. "You just disappeared."
She's right. The rebellion had seemed so insignificant a threat until the day they shattered a diamond. She wonders what they must have thought became of her. She breaks the stare. She can't excuse the war, but nor can she say she regrets fighting for her freedom, even if it took her thousands of years after the fact to take it.
"I'm sorry."
She remembers the chamber that Blue leads them to, but they wait at the base of it rather than outside a door. That's fine for Blue, who she's never heard speak above a whisper. "Welcome back."
Pearl's out of practice, but she tries to smile. She doesn't plan to stay, but she'd be lying to say she isn't glad to see them again. "Thank you."
・
She’s forgotten about Spinel; it hadn’t been her job to remember. But Spinel hasn’t forgotten about her. She’s a relic of the past—of Rose's past—and in the past, Pearl is Pink. Spinel recognizes her instantly, but she doesn't react. That's not who she is anymore.
She's Pearl now, and she teaches gems about human technology on Earth. The occasional student makes the odd comment, but it doesn't bother her anymore; they're here to learn, aren't they? She corrects them, and they listen, and that's that. It's amazing it's ever become so easy.
She meets more pearls than she ever did on Homeworld, though she can't help but be biased toward her old friends. She assists Bismuth's classes not only to spend time with her, but also to support Yellow's armour modelling endeavours. She's quite good at it; Pearl had no idea Yellow even had any interests, but this seems fitting. She tells her so, and Yellow scoffs, but she's known her long enough to tell she appreciates it, however opposite she acts.
She can't be much help in Vidalia's art classes, but there's no harm in spectating. Yellow relishes in the attention, and Blue's drawings drastically improve now that she has the time to hone them. They're quite complementary. She's happy for them; for their freedom. They still call her Pink, but she knows they're trying.
They tend to hang out afterward since they're usually already together. It's like old times, but better. This is Era Three, and they're on Earth; they can gossip and laugh as loud as they want, and no one will bat an eye but Amethyst. She seems to think it's hilarious to call them a "pearl party", but Yellow's stares always eventually scare her off, which Pearl finds much more amusing.
It's during one of their outings that the topic of White comes up. White, who isn't white anymore. They're mindlessly walking down the beach, and the conversation isn't that deep, but it does interest her. She never knew "White", but they did. When she asks them about her, they share a look.
"She was...sweet." Yellow talks about her like she's shattered. "She went to a meeting with White Diamond." She stops there like it's all that needs to be said.
"She didn't come back," Blue finishes. They all know she's lying, but the truth is more complicated than that.
"You did instead."
She looks down at the sand. She's not sure what she's supposed to say, but this is Earth, so she can say whatever she wants. "Did you miss her?"
Blue thinks for a moment. "She was nice," she muses. "But we lost her. And then we lost you."
They turn to walk back up the beach at a point marked in the sand, and she hesitates before giving a sheepish laugh. "I'm sorry."
Blue smiles at her, and Yellow looks suspiciously like a photo she once saw of Garnet’s cat. They both look genuinely happy. It suits them. "We know."
・
Pearl lights up when Steven approaches with her in tow. She's optimistic as he introduces them, and secretly relieved when he gives her the nickname of Volleyball. Optimistic, if a little jealous. Of course "Pink" was only a nickname, but "Volleyball" really is pink. It makes sense, but it still kind of hurts; she had only been her replacement, after all.
Yellow and Blue were right. She is sweet, but Pearl can't tell if she's being slighted or just taking her words too personally. Being back at the reef certainly doesn't help matters much. She attempts to put them on the same side, but it backfires almost immediately. "What did Pink get you?" She tries to laugh it off. This isn't her idea of a fun time. This isn't her idea of a fun place. Clearly, there's some difference of opinion.
No matter their views, Volleyball doesn't deserve this. She's caught up in her anger when she hears it, but it does the opposite of calm her down. She must have heard wrong. She moves to stand next to her. "What did you say?"
"It's a funny story, really." It's really not a funny story. She almost can't believe what she's hearing, but after all she's learned, it's not a stretch. Surely Volleyball's mistaken, right?
She believes Steven's outburst even less.
It happens so fast, and suddenly they're falling apart. She tries to condense thousands of years of events in her mind, and it's all too much, but she knows the end result. She's Pearl. She matters. She's the one in charge of herself. It took so much to figure that out; she can't blame Volleyball for not being where she is.
She chokes out an apology, but it’s hard when her form is being ripped apart at the seams. They’re the same, yet different. Then she embraces her, and they’re just the same.
She understands.
・
She never expected any closure, but as she’s standing on the beach in the moonlight with Steven, she feels content. She still has some work to do, but she’s confident now that she can manage it.
She realizes they’ve separated when Volleyball leans on her shoulder. She’ll be there if she needs her, because she knows who she is now, and it's no longer dependent on someone else.
She’s Pearl.