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The sun was beginning to set when he decided to go. He knew very few were around at that hour. Their friends visited earlier. A few wanderers weren’t going to sour the mood. Not today at least.
Today was different but like any other normal day. Every day was almost the same. It was like that for a year.
“Happy Birthday, old man,” Levi muttered from his position seated in the grass. Dark circles and lines marked his face underneath his eyes. That was the norm for Levi after Erwin was gone. Levi’s body and mind were almost always tired. Sleep was hard to come by these days. There was too much room in Erwin’s bed. Whenever the nearly faded smell of Erwin’s musky scent from his pillow wafted into Levi’s nostrils, he was lulled to sleep even on his most exhausting nights. It felt like Erwin was still there. In his dreams, he felt him pressed up against him. His arm draped over his shoulders. Gentle kisses being pressed into his hair and soft nothings and promises of a future whispered into his ears.
He awoke disappointed and heartbroken each time with barely any energy to drag himself out of bed. Sometimes it was hard being in Erwin’s—no— their room, but Levi also found it hard to leave.
“It’s...it’s really different without you around,” Levi said. He looked at the flowers he had in his hand. Cornflowers. “I’ve been keeping the room tidy like usual. They wouldn’t touch it. Hange or the others.” Probably uneasy about asking me about it... “I left everything where you had it just about. I don’t think I could stomach packing all of it away like that. Like you’re not coming back.”
Of course, he’s not coming back. Tch. Idiot. Levi sniffled. “I brought you these. I know how you used to like them. We spent hours hunting for them one year. Remember? It was one of the many nights we spent sitting outside together.”
Levi remembered it clearly. It was two years ago. Things were a bit more simple then. Not much, though. Things weren’t slowly starting to go to hell quite yet. He remembered the bouquet Erwin picked and how he couldn’t stop smelling them.
“You’re going to be sneezing your goddamn brain out if you keep sniffing those damn things, Erwin,” Levi scoffed. His hand was on Erwin’s strong thigh and he gave it a squeeze. The older man just shook his head and chuckled like he normally did whenever Levi said something of that nature.
“Here,” Erwin said and passed the bouquet of cornflowers to Levi. “For you.”
“They’re your favorite. You picked them.”
“I want you to have them, Levi.” And he took them and gave them a sniff. They smelled wonderful.
“Thanks.” Levi’s voice was soft. His cheeks were pink.
Levi remembered the kiss they shared that night while they sat underneath a big oak tree. It was passionate but sent enough spark through him that made him crave Erwin more. He never got enough of Erwin.
“Remember your birthday last year? Spent it with Mike, Hange, and our other friends. Mike got you that wine and you decided to share it with all of us. Hange told some shitty joke and you laughed so hard that wine came through your nose and stained your shirt. I was pissed as hell, but I couldn’t help but crack a small smile and chuckle. Remember? You knew I’d never stay mad at you. I glared at Hange so hard she probably shit herself.” Levi never got mad at Erwin. Sure he would yell at him for staying up way too late doing paperwork or whenever he’d let what the brass or shitty citizens said to him mess with his head.
“Then the birthday before that. I took you on a well deserved vacation to Sina. Took me a while to save up enough for something decent for you. I enjoyed feeding you that little cake I found at one of the rich people’s bakeries. You looked so…” Handsome. “And then that night as we laid in bed together you ran your fingers through my hair and told me how much you loved me. I never got tired of that even if you did it every night. I loved being close to you.”
Dampness entered his eyes. That used to be something foreign. Now it was common. “I made sure you had so many great birthdays. You deserved it. You deserved it all. You deserved the world, Erwin. God…” He wiped at his eyes. His nose rattled. “You always did so much for me...and everyone, really. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness, love, understanding...fuck, Erwin.” Even when Levi’s desire was to kill him. But that...but that was foiled. Thank God . Now he wondered how he ever could have killed him. Every time he saw the scars he gave Erwin he felt a deep pang of guilt in his gut.
“You gave me a second chance at a new life. You helped my friends.” He swallowed back a lump. “I hope you’re having a good time with your father. I’m sure he missed you. He’d never be upset with you. I know I said that before, too. You were just a kid.” He cleared his throat. “Eat lots of cake. For me. For all of our friends and those who were lost.”
Levi finally laid the flowers down in front of the stone, making sure not to block Erwin’s name.
“I would have saved you, too, you know. I would have done anything in a heartbeat if it meant you could have lived, too. I’m so sorry, Erwin. I’m so sorry .” Levi was choked up. He didn’t try to stop the moisture from leaving his eyes.
“I wish you could have seen that your father was right. That he didn’t die in vain. God, Erwin. You would have loved the ocean.” Levi sighed shakily. “Things are going to shit now. Who knows what Marley is planning. You would have known exactly what to do. Hange is doing what she can, but she knows her mind will never be like yours. I haven’t forgotten my promise either. I will kill the Beast Titan for what he did to you.” Levi vowed that every day.
The wind picked up and ruffled Levi’s hair. “I love you, Erwin. I don’t think I ever said that enough to you, but I mean it. I love you . I wish we could have had that future we always wanted. You would have been a perfect teacher, too.”
Levi shuffled closer and brushed his fingers against the stone. He cleaned it a few days prior. Every other week he cleaned it when he made his rounds to visit.
He was so tired. So, so tired . As if sleep was going to be easy tonight , he thought. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” And maybe if he was lucky it would be after that monkey bastard was dead. He wouldn’t have anything left to complete.
Slowly he rose. His tired body creaked and he stretched. “Happy Birthday, Erwin,” he said again.
Each time he departed Erwin’s grave he felt like a little part of him always was left behind.