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Chan remembered sunshine.
He remembered freckles that stained pale skin.
He remembered fluffy blond hair that curled at the ends.
He remembered a blinding smile, pushing crescents in soft cheeks.
He remembered Lee Felix, sunshine personified, and all the beautiful memories locked away in his mind. He remembered childhood innocence and inside jokes. He remembered slumber parties in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter. He remembered swimming in the lake, splashing each other enough they nearly drowned, only to emerge from the depths of the water with laughter bubbling in their chests.
He remembered the day he fell in love with Felix, sitting under the stars in the castle's gardens. He remembered sliding his hand over perfectly cut grass, placing it over the top of Felix’s hand, and the feeling of fingers gripping his own. He remembered going to bed with a smile on his face, Felix sleeping just beside him.
Lee Felix was Chan’s best friend, his rock and confidant. He was his answer, his reason, his everything.
But they were also miles apart.
Chan was a prince, destined to rule the kingdom one day in his parents' stead. He was raised to be prim and proper, to speak with conviction and dominance that any king should exhibit. He was fed the finest foods, and wore the most luxurious fabrics. His parents sent him to private tutors, and he took horse riding lessons.
Felix was the baker's son, working hard to learn everything his mother could teach him in her lifetime. He had unkempt hair and giggled between every word. He skipped through the town covered in flour and chocolate, and he did it proudly.
They were from different worlds, yet their childhood had revolved around each other.
Chan always knew, one day, he would lose Felix. He knew this as he tackled him into the freezing lake water. He knew this as he tucked him both into his bed. He knew this when he first fell in love and he knew this a year later when he had yet to say anything.
And he also knew this when his father finally called him into his study, just a day after his 19th birthday.
“Lixie!”
A loud voice echoed off the walls of the small bakery, accompanied with the wooden door smacking straight into the stone wall.
“Fuck!” Felix cursed in surprise, just barely managing to keep his bowl of cookie dough from rolling out of his hands, “What the hell, Hyunjin!”
“Oops,” Hyunjin halted in front of the door, watching with wide eyes as the abused door squeaked on its hinges.
“You’re going to make me replace the door again,” Felix grumbled as he placed the bowl on the counter.
“Maybe look into a stronger door?”
Felix threw a glare at Hyunjin, and nearly threw one of his mixing spoons at him as well, but he just bought these and he didn’t want to dent them so quickly. So he settled for stomping over to the entrance and closing the door ever gently, all while looking Hyunjin straight in the eye.
“See this?” Felix slowly slotted the door into the door frame, waiting for the handle to click before gesturing at it, “This is how you use a door. With tender love and care-”
Just as Felix let go of the handle, the door slammed back open again. Felix just barely managed to avoid being hit as aggressively as the door hit the wall, and he pointedly ignored Hyunjin’s snickering in favor of steaming at the new person who rudely stormed into his bakery.
“Felix!” Minho walked straight into the small building, completely missing the irate baker standing right next to the door he just assaulted.
“Where’s Felix?” Minho asked Hyunjin, who was still struggling to contain his laughter.
“I’m right here ,” Felix huffed, “Is everyone out to break my door?”
“I’m here with the biggest news of your life and you’re worried about a door ?”
Felix sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t the first time his friends had impulsively ransacked his business. Hyunjin was here daily to steal pastries out of the display case, and Minho had taken permanent residence on his serving counter even after Felix had explicitly warned him that he had to resanitize it every single time.
But that never stopped him, just like he never managed to stop them from destroying his front door.
“Let me show you, again, how to properly open and close a door,” Felix explained as he demonstrated the slow and careful movements he wanted his friends to use.
Minho groaned, “Felix-”
“Ah!” Felix hushed him before aggressively pointing at the door.
“We don’t have time-”
“The door, Minho!”
“Fine!” Minho grunted as he took the door from Felix’s hands, and then oh so carefully closed it like Felix wanted.
“Now was that so hard?” Felix smiled, though Minho looked thoroughly annoyed.
“Will you listen to me now?”
“Sure,” Felix shrugged as he made his way back behind the counter.
“Thank you,” Minho exhaled as he walked up to the main counter where Hyunjin was already digging through the display case, “Have you received your mail yet today?”
“You know he never checks his mail,” Hyunjin answered before Felix had the chance to, and Felix might have been a little more offended if he wasn’t entirely correct, “I bet you Kim Seungmin is burning holes into Felix’s mailbox with how overstuffed it is.”
“Why would Kim Seungmin care?” Felix mumbled as he resumed stirring the cookie dough he had abandoned upon Hyunjin’s arrival, “He doesn’t deliver my mail.”
“No,” Minho began, though the smirk Felix saw on his face began to make Felix feel uneasy, “But he does deliver mail from the royal family.”
Felix’s mixing faltered for a moment as a flash of emotion passed through him. He couldn’t quite pinpoint what he felt. Maybe it was hope, maybe it was anger. Maybe it was betrayal coated with excitement, or maybe it was relief tainted with resentment. He couldn’t make anything out other than the sudden lurch in his chest.
“So?” Felix resumed stirring his cookie dough as he pointedly ignored the gazes his friends had placed on him.
“ So ,” Minho pulled out a white envelope from his pocket. It was a little crumbled with the wax seal broken in the center, “You should have one of these waiting for you.”
The envelope was placed on the counter, face up. Minho slid it over for Felix to take. It looked just like the letters Felix had received in the past, back when they were more personal. Back when he sent letters to the castle in hopes of getting a response returned days later. But he knew this letter wasn’t personal, because Minho had one, and Hyunjin probably did too.
Maybe he was being selfish, but he couldn’t bear to open it. So he turned away to grab a baking sheet.
“If it’s not money for a new door, I don’t want it.”
“Of course you’d say that,” Minho muttered from behind him.
Felix ignored him as he shuffled through his cabinets until he found his favorite baking sheet. He pulled it out, and just as he turned around, he found Minho looking down at the opened letter.
“Dear Kingdom of Miroh. The royal family invites you to the royal palace for a night of discovery.”
“Minho-” Felix tried to stop him, but he got a hush from Hyunjin.
“The prince is on a quest to find his future partner, and we graciously request your presence.”
“I don’t-” Felix tried again.
“The King and Queen request all guests to bring a positive attitude and dress accordingly. The Prince will be in attendance for the entirety of the event and is eager to meet his future partner.”
“Felix,” Minho slammed the letter back on the counter, “Do you know what this means ?”
“It doesn’t mean anything,” Felix placed the cookie sheet on the counter.
“You’re in denial,” Minho came around the counter and squatted on the other side of the work table Felix was preparing cookies on. He lowered himself to be in Felix’s field of vision, though Felix kept trying to avoid his gaze, “This is your chance, and you’re giving it up?”
“What do you mean ‘my chance’?” Felix glared at Minho, “Chan doesn’t want anything to do with me, did you forget that?”
“You don’t actually think that, do you?” Hyunjin chimed in, mouth half full with an apple turnover.
“What else am I supposed to think?” Felix mumbled as grabbed a handful of cookie dough, “He completely cut me out of his life.”
It had completely come out of the blue too. Felix had been sending his letters as usual, waiting patiently for his friend’s response as they both began to get busier. Felix was taking over his mother’s bakery, and Chan was growing into his role as prince. They hadn’t seen each other in person in at least a month, and though it pained him to not see his best friend for so long, the letters served as a good place holder.
But then his letters were getting returned, and he never heard anything back.
He lived in denial for a while, and he kept reassuring himself that the issue was on his end. He was determined to figure out what was wrong with his address, or why the post had a vendetta against him.
But then a year passed, and Felix never saw a single letter.
When he visited the castle, like he always used to, he was turned away.
He never heard from his best friend again.
And Chan was more than a best friend to him, that’s what made his disappearance from Felix’s life so much more painful.
“Look,” Minho grabbed his attention back, “I know what he did wasn’t great. But we don’t really know what happened on his end. I remember how happy he made you Lixie, and I don’t want you to risk losing your chance to try and regret it later.”
“What am I even supposed to do?” Felix slowly rolled his cookie dough into a ball.
“Go to the ball,” Minho said as he scooped up his own handful of cookie dough, “Try to talk to him. Even if you don’t get anywhere, maybe at the very least you’ll get some answers.”
“You think he’ll give me answers in the middle of a ball dedicated to finding his future wife?”
“He said partner, first of all,” Minho pointed out with a smile, “And who knows? You’re not an easy person to forget, Lixie. I bet you the entire castle is going to be buzzing with your name the moment you step inside.”
The night was approaching, and Chan had anxiously counted each sunrise leading up to the day of the ball.
His parents had been excitedly running about the castle, arranging every detail while Chan watched from the sidelines. They wanted this to be perfect, and Chan fully believed them. They were far more excited for the ball than Chan was, but that was to be expected.
Chan had been dreading this day for years.
“Chan?” Changbin knocked on his open door as he peeked his head in, “The guests will be arriving soon. The king and queen requested you to wait in the throne room until your entrance.”
“Yes, they mentioned that,” Chan hummed as he picked at the awkward shash someone had sewn into his jacket.
He’d been staring at his reflection since he got changed, staring at the man he didn’t recognize.
He was still him, still Bang Chan and Crown Prince to the Miroh Kingdom. He was still curly haired and broad shouldered, still polite and well mannered. He was the epitome of what royalty should look like, at least that’s what he had always been told.
But he still felt disconnected from the person in the mirror. He didn’t recognize himself, his face, or his clothes. He didn’t see anything other than a miserable person falling in line with his parents’ wishes.
“Hey,” Changbin placed a hand on his shoulder as he met Chan’s gaze in the mirror, “Talk to me?”
“There’s nothing to say,” Chan sighed as he tore himself away from his mirror.
“Well you could start with what you’re thinking about,” Changbin suggested.
Chan sat on his bed, arms hung between his legs as he hunched in on himself. It wasn’t any kind of posture his parents would praise him for, and the frown on his face would get disappointed looks, but in front of Changbin he didn’t care. Changbin didn’t judge him for anything.
“What am I doing, Bin?” Chan mumbled.
Changbin sat down next to him, dressed in his own glamorous getup designed for all security staff working the event.
“You’re doing what you’re told,” Changbin said with a nudge against Chan’s shoulder, “You never used to do that, you know.”
“Yeah,” Chan gave a bitter laugh, “We saw how that ended.”
Chan had always been one to break the mold, much to his parents' frustration. He’d fought every restriction placed on him. He ran around town covered in dirt and soaked with lake water, and then he came home and smiled as his mother berated his appearance. He made friends with the kids of the servants, and eventually became best friends with Lee Felix.
He made pillow forts instead of making his bed.
He stayed up late telling scary stories instead of sleeping early to attend his horse riding lessons.
He wrote secret letters to his best friend instead of writing the essay his tutor had assigned him.
He used to, at least. Until his father had put a stop to it.
“Who says that has to be the end?” Changbin stood from the bed and walked over to Chan’s wooden desk, “Maybe the end is yet to come.”
Changbin pulled a single white envelope up from the desk, “This whole thing is to find you a future partner, right?”
“Yeah,” Chan exhaled as he rubbed his palms over his pants, “I have to find her in one night too.”
“Chan,” Changbin placed the envelope back down, “You’re going to find him , and it doesn’t have to be tonight.”
“Changbin I can’t-”
“No,” Changbin walked back over to Chan, standing just in front of his knees. He clasped his hands over Chan’s shoulders, forcing Chan to look up in order to see him, “You’re not going to suppress yourself. You’re gay, you’ve known this your whole life, and so have your parents. Don’t marry a woman you can’t love, that’s not fair to you or her.”
“Well it’s not like I have any other choice,” Chan bit out, “They’ve made it very clear they don’t appreciate my sexual orientation.”
“Besides,” Chan slid out from under Changbin’s hands to fall onto his mattress, “It doesn’t matter who I pick anyways.”
“Why?”
“Because,” Chan smiled sadly at the ceiling decorated with little flowers winding across the room, “I already fell in love, and I never fell out.”
“You’re talking about Felix?”
“Who else would I talk about?” Chan muttered, “He probably got an invitation.”
“He probably did,” Changbin agreed. The message had been delivered to the entire kingdom, and it was unlikely Felix hadn’t received one.
“Do you think he’ll come?”
Chan knew he sounded pathetic. There was hope he shouldn’t be feeling, desire that he should have gotten rid of a year ago. There was longing and pain, and a whole lot of fear.
Would he come? Would he give Chan the time of day ever again after how he left? Would he have even read the letter or would he have ripped it in half as soon as he saw the Bang Family Crest?
“I’m not sure,” Changbin answered him, “But I hope he does.”
“This is too tight,” Felix complained as he pulled at the white collar wrapped around his neck.
“It’s supposed to be tight,” Hyunjin swatted Felix’s hands away, “Stop! You’ll mess it up!”
Felix crossed his arms over his chest with a pout, which Hyunjin also criticized him for.
“You look like you don’t wanna be here. Smile!” Hyunjin said as he gave an exaggerated example.
“It’s because I don’t want to be here,” Felix shot back, “This is a waste of time.”
“It is not a waste of time,” Hyunjin insisted, “Right Minho?”
“Absolutely,” Minho said, though Hyunjin couldn’t quite tell if he was paying attention. He’d been scanning the ballroom since he arrived, and had thus become useless to Hyunjin when it came to convincing Felix that he should stay for the entirety of the ball.
“Hey, I want some punch,” Minho suddenly grabbed Felix by the elbow and began shoving him towards the refreshment, “Come with me Lixie!”
Sometime between grabbing the punch with Minho and heading back to the corner that Felix had previously been hiding in with Hyunjin, Felix had lost both of his friends to the sea of people. He couldn’t understand how he managed to lose Minho, the guy was covered head to toe in bright purple fabric. Yet as he scanned the ballroom there was no sight of him.
Hyunjin disappeared as well, which was just as perplexing when his friend had been so adamant on getting him to relax and have fun.
Not that it was easy to have fun at a party dedicated to his ex-best friend.
Also his ex-first love, if he wanted to go that far.
He tried to pick out his friends from the crowd, which was really a losing battle. Everyone was moving too fast, spinning in circles and falling deeper into the dancefloor as the crowd devoured all those in the near vicinity. If Minho and Hyunjin actually were in that mess, then there was no hope for Felix trying to find them.
So he kept his distance, finding a very nice wall far away from the dancing people and prying eyes.
The castle was exactly as he remembered. Large windows revealing the clear sky, obscenely large drapes lining the walls. He and Chan used to play tag in the large open ballroom, and then they’d laugh as their voices echoed off the walls. They’d gotten yelled at by countless staff members, and sometimes they'd be lucky and rope some of them into playing with them.
It felt strange to be back here, knowing he didn’t belong. He wasn’t wanted here, and it made it harder to bear the memories he had.
He figured he could wait it out until the stars came out, then he could justify leaving without Minho and Hyunjin getting angry that he ditched the party. That is, if they even noticed he left. He’ll leave as soon as Chan shows his face, that way he doesn’t have to feel his heart break for the second time.
“Hey!”
Felix jumped forwards, whipping his head around to face the newcomer with wide eyes.
“What the fuck?” Felix choked out as he came face to face with a smiling boy, waving at him with far too much excitement.
“Hey! Are you Felix?”
The boy eyes him from head to toe with a cocked eyebrow, “They said you’d be wearing blue, and that I could probably find you hiding in a corner somewhere.”
“By ‘they’ do you mean my idiotic friends?” Felix pulled at his collar again, with too much force that it ended up choking him a bit.
“I mean sure, if you wanna call them that.”
Felix rolled his eyes, though he didn’t correct his statement. They were still very, very much idiotic. Felix would stick by that.
“My name’s Jisung, by the way,” Jisung said as he stuck out his hand.
“I’m Felix,” Felix returned the handshake, “But I guess you already knew that.”
“Well I’m glad I found you!” Jisung beamed, and instead of letting go of his hand, he was beginning to drag Felix back along the wall, “I need you to follow me!”
“What?” Felix gaped at the strength this dude had. He was almost effortlessly pulling Felix along, “Wait, where are we going?”
Jisung didn’t answer him, and with how busy the middle of the ballroom had gotten, no one paid him or Jisung any mind as he pulled Felix into a doorway.
“Just this way,” Jisung said, though Felix didn’t think it mattered if Jisung said anything at this point. He had no idea where they were going, and no matter how often he’d been in the castle as a child, he didn’t know every corridor. So he followed blindly as Jisung led him around corners he didn’t recognize and through doors he’d never seen before.
Until he started to realize exactly where he was going, and the panic set in.
“Wait,” Felix attempted to pull his arm free, but Jisung’s grip was too strong, “Wait, Jisung. Where are we going?”
Again, Jisung didn’t answer, “ Jisung , I don't like this. Let me go.”
He was half expecting to be ignored again, but he was relieved to feel the grip on his wrist let up. He nearly fell over with how much force he was putting into pulling away, but he managed to balance himself before he went tumbling to the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Jisung asked, clearly concerned with his panicked expression.
“Please, just tell me where you’re taking me?”
“The prince. I was told you wanted to see each other.”
See each other?
“What?” Felix reeled back, “See each other?”
“Yes,” Jisung nodded, as if it was obvious, “Seo Changbin told me himself that the prince wants to see you. And then your friends said you wanted to see him. So here I am, to make that happen.”
Felix blinked, expecting the confusion to dissipate. But it only fell down thicker as the seconds passed.
“Chan… wants to see me?”
After a year of not talking. Because Chan stopped talking to him , and now Chan wanted to see him? At the ball meant to find his future partner?
Felix had been against this at first. He’d told Minho and Hyunjin that he wanted nothing to do with Bang Chan ever again. He’d been reluctant to go to this ball, and he had just been debating on leaving as soon as Chan showed his face in the ballroom.
But now he has his chance to talk to him, face to face, away from prying eyes. Chan wanted to see him, and Felix found that he really wanted to see him.
“Okay,” Felix took a deep breath, then nodded his head, “Let’s go.”
Felix was left alone, in a painfully familiar hallway.
Jisung had left him stranded a few minutes ago. He was told Chan was waiting for him already, just behind the door Felix was standing in front of. It was difficult to believe the same man he’d spent years yearning over, and then spent years mourning over, was waiting for him.
He was here, dressed like a sophisticated aristocrat that he wasn’t, standing in front of his ex-best friend’s bedroom door.
Standing in front of the prince's door.
He raised his hand, knocking softly against the wood.
The door opened seconds later.
Brown curls settled upon flawless skin, and glossy brown eyes blinked down at the boy standing awkwardly in front of the doorway.
“Felix,” Chan exhaled, so softly Felix hardly heard him, “You’re here.”
He wanted to say something back, but nothing would make it past the lump in his throat. Not with the way Chan’s voice shook as he greeted him, or the chill in the air that reminded him this was real.
“Blue looks nice on you.”
Chan coughed awkwardly, and Felix felt his face flush as Chan avoided his eye contact. Which was probably a good thing, because he would hate it if Chan could see just how much that comment affected.
“Thanks,” Felix choked out, “Um, the white suit looks good.”
“Ah,” Chan scratched the back of his neck, “Thank you. My mother picked it out.”
“She always had good taste,” Felix smiled sadly.
“Yeah,” Chan chuckled softly.
A tense silence fell between them, neither one of them knowing exactly what to say. Felix found himself drawn into the way Chan’s chest would rise and fall with his shallow breathing, to the small pendant clipped to his collar, to the tiny taps of shoes against the tiled flooring. Anything to keep his attention off of the realization that he was here, standing in front of Bang Chan after all the pain and suffering he endured.
He thought he would have gotten over Chan by now, but the instinct to pull him into a hug was still very much present.
“What are we doing, Lix?” Chan sighed as he ran his finger through the nice curls on top of his head.
“What do you mean?” Felix asked.
Instead of answering, Chan shuffled to the side. Felix took the hint and slipped inside the prince's bedroom. The door clicked shut behind them.
“I appreciate you coming,” Chan walked over to his bed and sat on the edge of the mattress, “Even though I’m sure you didn’t want to.”
“You can thank Minho and Hyunjin for that,” Felix joined Chan on the bed, “They practically dragged me here.”
“I’ll make sure I do,” Chan smiled, “Though I’m sorry you had to come when you didn’t want to.”
He didn’t want to come, in fact he’d fought his friends on it all the way to the front entrance. He’d be dreading the night he had to see Chan again, knowing the pain would just reignite once he saw his childhood love dancing with random strangers. He couldn’t bear to watch the man he never fully got over ignore him as he searched the ballroom of his future queen.
But Chan wasn’t ignoring him now, and Felix was holding to that.
“Felix,” Chan looked Felix in the eye, and Felix had to fight to keep himself from looking away, “Before anything happens tonight, I need to tell you something.”
Chan sat up straighter, turning his body more towards Felix. His hands clasped on his lap, fingers dancing over each other with the nerves vibrating through his body.
“I know this is too late, and it’s probably pretty selfish of me to say anything after everything I’ve done,” Chan paused, biting his lip as his gaze dropped from Felix’s face, “But I need to be honest, I need to get this off my chest.”
“Felix, I’m in love with you. I have been for years.”
In that moment, Felix swore he felt his heart stop.
“ What? ” Felix sputtered, opening and closing his mouth to try and piece his thoughts together.
Chan was close, watching him with a vulnerability Felix wasn't used to. The air around them felt colder, but his skin felt like it was on fire. His face was aflame, and his lungs constricted in his chest as he struggled to process what Chan had just said to him.
“I’m so sorry,” Chan’s voice was wet with emotion, and it took Felix to realize he also had tears forming in his eyes, “I just… I needed to tell you.”
“How can you say that,” Felix sniffled, and he may have wiped his nose with the sleeve of his coat, “After ignoring me the way you did? How do you just…”
Felix didn’t finish his sentence, and he didn’t need to. Chan understood, he knew he would. Chan has always understood him, which was what made everything that much more painful.
He knew how much his silence would hurt, but he still left.
“I didn’t have a choice,” Chan choked out, “I didn’t want to. But my father… He put a stop to our relationship. And I had no say in it.”
“Your… father?” Felix looked up at Chan, hope shimmering in his tears.
Chan only nodded.
“For the past year,” Felix squeezed his hands into fists, “All this time… it wasn’t you.”
“Lixie,” Chan scooted closer, “I never wanted this to happen-”
Felix hadn’t let him finish. Midway through his sentence, Chan was engulfed by Felix’s body. He was surrounded by his wails and covered in his tears. And when Chan wrapped his own arms around Felix, his sobbing only grew tenfold.
“I was so happy when Changbin told me he saw you today,” Chan whispered, just above Felix’s head, “I was sure you hated me by now.”
“I never hated you,” Felix’s voice came out muffled against Chan’s clothing, “I was hurt, but I didn’t hate you.”
“I would understand if you did.”
“Never,” Felix tightened his hold, earning a grunt from the older, “You’re stupid if you think that.”
“I loved you too,” Felix admitted, and when he felt Chan squeeze him just a bit tighter, he felt confidence to keep going, “I still do.”
“You don’t know how happy that makes me,” Chan exhaled, but Felix could hear the smile in his words.
“What are we supposed to do, Chan?”
As happy as Felix was, wrapped up in Chan’s arms after a year of misplaced pain, reality was creeping up on him.
Chan’s father didn’t like him, and had gone as far as to personally intervene before. What was stopping him from doing it again?
“Honestly,” Chan breathed, “I don’t know. But I know I’m not letting you go again.”
Chan remembered sunshine.
He remembered waking up next to bright eyes and a smiling face.
He remembered soft humming and nails scratching his scalp.
He remembered kissing the freckles speckled all over pale skin.
He remembered going to war for his sunshine, fighting his own blood for years until he finally succeeded. He remembered being blinded by the smile his sunshine wore when his finger was encased in a golden band. He remembered kissing his sunshine in front of thousands, and he remembered the cheers as wedding bells rang all the way home.
And now, years later, he was walking down the same hallways Jisung had dragged Felix down during the ball. Jisung and Changbin were following him, both holding bags and excited grins as they made their way to Chan and Felix’s bedroom.
Inside, his sunshine was laughing with Minho and Hyunjin. He beamed as Chan entered, and he opened his arms wide for Chan to come closer.
Chan remembered bringing him close, holding him to his chest as he whispered, “Happy birthday, Sunshine.”