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Jaemin looked across the table and smiled.
That smile never fails to unleash the butterflies in me. he thought.
He proceeded to eat as the stars above them gets brighter and the night goes deeper.
It’s as clear as day. The way he remember the first time they met. Jaemin himself is just a fourteen year old boy who could not, for his life, figure out how to communicate his thoughts and feelings well. He lets himself get used to being misunderstood. As long as I don’t have to talk or explain. is his sole reason to leave things be.
Huang Renjun came along and with him, Jaemin needed no words. Renjun wanted to be his friend. He insists they eat lunch together, go home together, do homeworks together and have fun together. Jaemin will find his way to avoid him. He takes pride in finding the best way out of a situation requiring a social interaction. Renjun, on the other hand, is effortlessly endearing to be around that even Jaemin’s family is convinced that Jaemin needs him.
They weren’t wrong. Jaemin realized a few years later.
Jaemin remembers how his brother, Jaehyun, crashed in his bedroom one day to convince him that Renjun means no harm.
“Jaem, he comes here everyday asking if you’re finally in the right headspace to bond with him. Dad would say he can try asking you and mom would ask him to come in but do you know what he says?” Jaehyun throws a plushie at his younger brother as he asks and Jaemin would look at him
“He says he doesn’t want to suffocate you or further impose on you by being merely present inside our house so he would politely decline. He also said he will only ever come inside once he hears from your own mouth that you’re okay with having him around. I don’t know Jaemin but I think it takes a lot of maturity for a fourteen year old to consider all that. Think about it okay?” For the first time in Jaemin’s life, he wanted to say something and so on the next day he did.
The doorbell rung and everyone in the dining table was left speechless when Jaemin voluntarily stood to attend to it.
“Good morning again Mrs-- Jaemin?!?!” Renjun shrieks. Jaemin can feel his heart beat loudly in his chest.
“Hi…” he says
“Hi Jaemin! I’m glad to see you! Don’t worry, I can leave if you want me to. I just want to give this to you!” Renjun extended his arm to give Jaemin a box of cookies.
“Uh..”
“They have no poison and my cousin visited earlier and we baked these. If you don’t want it, I truly understand. You can just give them to your mom.” He smiles
“Uhmm….you can…you can just…”
“Ah I see you don’t like it. It’s fine Jaemin!I’m just glad to know you still go out of your room.” Renjun offered a genuine smile and was about to walk away when Jaemin stopped him.
“No Renjun wait! How about you give them to mom yourself and join us. We’re eating apple pies…” That was the longest phrase Jaemin has ever said to anyone outside his family.
“Oh…I’d love to!!” Renjun giggled and Jaemin stepped back to let him in
I knew then…I’d try everything with you. Jaemin thought with the memory.
His thought were interrupted with a ringing sound from his phone. He looked at the caller ID before looking across the table once again. That’s when his smile shatters.
Just when I thought I’m finally getting used to living my life without you beside me…
He answered the call and held his breath.
“Jaemin? Hi… I’m sorry for calling in this late. I just realized I left something there. I’m wondering if it’s okay for me to pick up all my leftover belongings tonight?” Renjun asked
“Hey Renjun… Of course. I’ll… I’ll get them ready for you.” Jaemin sighed inaudibly
“I would really appreciate that. I’m really sorry for the bother Jaem…I just didn’t realize I left a few things there which I will be needing for tomorrow’s exhibit"
“It’s okay Renjun. You’re….you’re never a bother.” Jaemin smiled and he heard Renjun’s line go quiet
“I’ll just be here Renjun. Drive safely okay?” Jaemin continued
“Okay Nana” Renjun uttered before ending the call
They were twenty-two year olds. Three years into their relationship when they realized that love alone, can’t hold them together. That love, it often requires a lot of letting go.
“Jaemin please talk to me. Please tell me what’s wrong? Please Nana?” Renjun pleas as he looks at Jaemin’s back.
“Renjun I’m holding you back… You declined a lot of opportunities for me. Renjun you don’t deserve that.” Jaemin sobbed
“I…I’m so sorry for that Nana. I won’t do it again.”
“Yes you won’t Injun because this ends here…” Jaemin swallowed
“Jaemin what?”
Jaemin faced him with his tear-stained face.
“Renjun you can’t hold yourself back from the best things in life just so you could protect me.” Jaemin tightly smiled and this time, Renjun felt tears falling off his eyes too.
“But you’re also one of the best….” Renjun couldn’t finish his thought as he started sobbing hardly.
“Shh it’s okay love” Jaemin hugged him. "You meant no harm."
“I swear I was trying my best Nana” Renjun hiccupped
“And you did so well Injun. Okay? Because of you I realized that there are decisions I have to make for myself. Because of you I learned how to healthily accept my flaws. Because of you I learned about the world. And I need you to set yourself free Injun. You see the world around you? It will give you so much Renjun. So much more than I can offer.”
“I don’t need--”
”You do, love. You need to let yourself grow. The same way I need to learn to be happy in letting you go. Renjun look at me” and Jaemin released the hug so they could look at each other properly.
“Nana I love you” Renjun hiccupped once more
“I know… I’ve always known, love. And I wish I can offer you the world myself but I have a lot to resolve about myself first. I can’t hold you back anymore and have you wait for me to get that done. I love you and I can’t let you go through that, love. Okay?” Jaemin sniffed
“Nana I am so proud of you. And I love you. You’re right. I shouldn’t hold you back from figuring this out on your own too. You’re strong, Nana. And…”
”And you believe in me.” Jaemin continued as Renjun nods
“I love you too, Injun. Okay? And I’m proud of you too.”
”Let’s let fate decide for us in time yeah?” Renjun smiled
“Yes. I’d love that. Be free, my love. Okay?” Jaemin kissed his hand
“Be happy, Nana. Okay?” Renjun asked back
“Okay”
”Okay.”
The doorbell rung in a very familiar way. It did not only interrupted his thoughts, it also ignited a sense of nostalgia in him. He stood and opened it. It’s like opening an old book he have always loved.
“Hi Jaemin” Renjun smiled
“Hello Injun… it’s been while” Jaemin stepped back to let him in. Like that day years ago. But this time, he knew he has to be ready to watch him leave too.
“It’s by the counter” Jaemin pointed out to which Renjun complied as he picks up a storage box containing all his stuff
“Thanks a lot, Nana.” ah…that name Jaemin smiled
“I won’t hold you back any longer. You still have to prepare for your flight after your exhibit tomorrow. I’m sorry if I wouldn’t be there.” Jaemin apologized
“You do know I’m more than happy that you finally entered med school right?” Renjun perked up at him
“I know you are”
”Good luck on your first day tomorrow Jaemin. I will always be rooting for you. You can also still keep in touch with me, Nana. We were best friends and we always will be.” Renjun assured him
“I know, Injun. I will always be rooting for you too. Good luck and travel safely tomorrow okay?”
”Okay”
”Okay.”
Jaemin watched Renjun’s car travel down the road. Destined to wander the rest of the world. They both feel free. Not because they weren’t together anymore. They feel a lot more free with the love that remain to anchor them down the reality they have given one another. More than anything, they have a bigger room to spread their wings now. Whether they are meant to fly together or separately is still an answer they will find out later in their lives. In the end, love is a journey which they decided to lead wisely and happily.
Because yet again.. Love, alone, can’t hold people together. Love often requires a lot of letting go and we all need to know that it will be okay.