Work Text:
Human nests were complicated. That was something Hisashi had come to terms with many years ago. Humans didn't seek out supplies or build their own nests in most cases. Usually, they hoarded up currency to exchange for a nest of some type. The better their hoard, the better the nest. It looked simply enough...until the dragon in disguise stepped inside. That's when things began to spiral out of control. Humans had specific spots to store specific types of food and specific liquids to clean specific surfaces and hunks of metal to do specific things!
Some hunks of metal were fine. The square thing that turned bread into toast was a welcome addition to any nest. The other square piece of metal with glass on it that warmed up small bits of food was also acceptable. If only the vertical nightmare in front of Hisashi could take a hint from those useful, nice pieces of metal...
Inko had made it look so simple! She took the end with two spikes, pushed them into the wall and pressed a button. Then, the machine makes a loud noise. That meant it was working. While working, it got rid of dust and dirt. Humans had to use this machine to keep their nests clean because their homes weren't designed to be cleaned by fire. Nests made of smooth river rocks had no issue with being cleaned from a dragons flame. Human nests would catch fire and fall apart if such a method was used.
That was why All For One, a Japanese River Dragon using stolen magic to shape shift into a human, was currently glaring metaphorical holes into the vacuum cleaner. He had plugged it into the wall no problem! True, the wall had tried to fight him a bit at first, but the plug was no match for a dragons strength. The plug was in the wall, whether it wanted to be or not. That meant the machine should turn on. But no matter how many times he pressed the button, nothing happened.
“This doesn't have to be so complicated.”, the disguised dragon began as heat raced out of his human looking nostrils, “All you have to do is make the noise and get rid of the dirt. It's not that complicated, it is? You were made for this. Literally.”.
Yet another press of that red button...and nothing happened.
“...No doubt, you're used to Inko being the one to do this. You should know that she goes to work on this day, as she has for quite some time. That's how humans add currency to their hoard. They go to work for a set amount of time, do whatever it is they're supposed to to and get paid for it later. Then, that currency gets used for food and trinkets. It's a strange, complicated system...makes me wonder, how in the world did they manage to become the dominant species?”.
The vacuum cleaner continued to remain silent, in spite of a finger firmly pressing the button that should of turned the device on.
“It's like building a nest of stone in a tree. Humans have such fragile systems...just like their nests. The first time I tried to clean the dishes, Inko was terrified. Apparently, they don't clean with fire. At all. They use wonderful smelling liquids again. But you have to be careful with those. They taste terrible!”.
The vacuum continued to stay silent.
“If I tried to clean this nest my way, it'd burn to a crisp. That's how fragile humans are. And yet they managed to take over the whole planet! It'd be amazing if it weren't so...inconvenient. Thanks to them, the river I played in with my little brother is gone. Not a single bit of it remains. It dried up from humans changing the shape of the land. At least it wasn't polluted into a puddle of acid...if only Yochi could see what humans have done now. I'm sure he'd regret trusting them.”.
Not a single bit of noise was made from the mass of metal.
“That's why I plan to change the order of things. Humans have proven themselves inept at managing a planet. Their ceaseless slaughter of perfectly good rivers is proof enough. It'd take far too long to go into the species they've hurt in addition to mine. There's a reason why you'll never find a mermaid in the sea.”
Once the dragon went silent, so did the rest of the room.
“One day, I'll find my way to the weakest link in the human nest. Then, I'll set it ablaze and my people can take over. Then, you won't have to worry about nonsense like this anymore. Dragon nests have no need for all this...vacuuming.”.
Silence filled the room once again as the machine stayed silent and still.
“Until that day...how about we work together? I'm sure Inko would be happy about coming home to a clean nest. You'll get the proper credit you deserve, of course. Now...shall we begin?”.
One more, the dragon pressed his finger against the red button...
And nothing happened.
“Am I not good enough for you?”, red eyes narrowed in warning, “Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to rip you apart? I wouldn't even need my claws. These humans could bring you to a miserable, slow end...”.
Not a single thing happened.
“All you have to do is make that loud noise and suck up the dirt. Or would you rather end up in the dumpster behind the nest?”.
The cursed vacuum cleaner continued to stay silent and motionless.
A brief puff of heat raced out of Hisashi's nostrils.
“Fine then...I'll just advise Inko replace you when she gets home. Don't say I didn't warn you.”.