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Kili was reckless. At least that’s what his family always said. If you asked Kili, he’d say it wasn’t true at all. It wasn’t his fault he fell down from a tree. It was just his usual bad luck.
"You jumped off a tree!?" Fili had said. "No, I didn’t jump off a tree, I jumped in the tree" Kili had protested. It wasn’t like he had asked for the branch he had jumped on to snap in half, which had led to Kili falling to the ground and twisting his leg. As he'd said, it was just bad luck.
Or all those times when he was too stubborn (as Fili kept reminding him) to stand down from a fight. Usually, they all started the same way. A bunch of other dwarflings would call Kili names and tease him for the lack of his beard or his archery skills. ("Look, guys, it’s the little elf bastard again!") And usually, it would lead to both him and Fili coming back home, noses bloody and faces bruised. Needless to say, their mother and uncle were never too happy about this. ("But uncle, they were being mean to Kili- again") But that’s what brothers are for, right? Defending each other in every hardship to come.
Or that one time when he had almost managed to drown himself after skating on too thin ice. The winter was still only at the start, but Kili had insisted on going ice-skating to their super secret pond, as they used to call it. ("C’mon Fee, it’ll be fun") Fili had agreed (see, wasn’t his fault!) and they had spent a great day skating together. That was, until they'd suddenly heard a loud crack, and the next thing Kili had known was dark water and freezing cold all around him. ("Kili! Hold on!") Luckily, Fili had gotten his brother out of the water in time and rushed him straight home to the warmth of the fireplace and every single blanket they owned. Kili had been sick for a week afterward. Good times.
Come to think of it, a similar situation had occurred on their journey to reclaim Erebor. Not long after they had left Bag End, actually. There was a river close to the place they had set camp for the night. Everything was going just fine until one of the ponies took fright at nothing and bolted. It ran to the riverbank before they could catch it, and its leash got stuck in a rigid tree branch. Kili, being the first one to get close enough, somehow managed to free the frightened pony from its trap. ("Good job, Kili!") Just when the situation seemed to be under control, the pony decided to flee again. And so it happened that Kili, not paying enough attention, lost his footing on the riverbank and fell in the rushing, ruthless water.
The next few moments had been a blur of frantic shouts, movements, and panicking. ("Hold on, Kili!") In the end, Fili had jumped in after his brother, leaving the rest of the company with the task of pulling them back to dry land with a rope. Thorin had been furious, but Kili knew it was because he had been worried. ("You could have died!") Okay, admittedly the fact that Kili had accidentally dragged some of the baggage the pony had been carrying to the depths of the river might have had something to do with it. But that wasn’t really his fault either. It’s not like he had asked for the pony to run to the river and get stuck on a stupid tree. So it was completely unfair that he was the one who had gotten lectured about the incident.
His point was, people didn’t seem to understand that not everything was always necessarily his fault. Some stuff beyond his control just sometimes happened. And, sure, many times it led to either him or Fili getting hurt. Sometimes both. Which was not a very good thing, Mahal no, but then again– they always seemed to miraculously survive every trouble they got thrown into. They would always get back up and go on with their adventures, just like it was meant to be.
In the end, he supposed, it shouldn’t really be all that surprising that his recklessness was the one thing that finally got him killed. Of course, they had known the journey would be dangerous. As a matter of fact, they were both almost a little too young to even join the company. Thorin had asked Fili to come along only because he was the heir to the crown, should something happen to Thorin. And had Thorin wanted it or not, he knew that Kili would tag along either way. The brothers were basically inseparable at that point. As long as Kili could remember, Fili had always been there. His partner in mischief, his best friend, his one and only big brother. And so they had both joined the company. It too was supposed to end like all their other adventures, but things don’t always go as planned, he supposed.
***
It was the final battle at the end of their journey. After the battle would be over, they could all properly celebrate the success of their journey. It would finally be over, and Erebor would once again be known as the mighty kingdom of dwarves it had once been. Their uncle would reclaim his rightful place as its king and would do a great job at ruling. Now all they had to do was survive the ongoing battle. Shouldn’t be too hard– they were trained warriors, after all.
Kili grunted as his sword made its way through yet another orc's flesh. The pile of bodies around him– both orcs and dwarves, as well as humans and elves– grew only larger moment by moment. He gasped for air, and jumped to the side as an orc hammer slammed down right to where he had been standing just a second ago. He swiftly wiped the blood and sweat out of his eyes and raised his sword yet again.
Strike. Swing. Dodge. Slash. Run.
The ground was filled with blood and bodies.
Strike. Dodge. Slit.
Fili. Where was Fili? Where was his brother?
Amidst the ferocity of battle, they always kept an eye out for each other. Though they were well-trained and skilled in combat, they were not invincible. Besides, they had never been in a real battle before. This wasn’t just another training session with mister Dwalin. Not another fight between the brothers and other dwarflings. Not an encounter with wolves or mountain trolls, nor even a pack of wargs and orcs. No, this was a real, actual battle. They were at war.
"Fili?" His shout ran through the battlefield, though not many either heard it or paid any attention to it. But not too far from him there was another dwarf who was listening and heard the faint call of his brother. And so a voice answered: "Kili! Over here!"
Soon Kili could actually see him. There, standing only some twenty feet away, was his brother. His clothes were dirty and torn and covered in blood. His golden hair was a mess and full of dust. He was panting and visibly tired, but a brief smile spread on his face as soon as he saw his little brother, looking just as filthy and worn as himself, but alive and standing all the same.
Fili’s joy was short-lived, however, when his eyes caught something else across the battlefield. Kili watched, taken aback, how Fili’s eyes widened at the sight of whatever was going on behind his back. Kili didn’t have to wonder what that whatever was for too long when he turned around to look in the direction the elder dwarf had already started to strive towards. It was Thorin, completely on his own, fighting against at least a dozen orcs coming at him from different directions. And he was slowly, but surely, losing.
Kili felt an unexpected strike of terror striking him at the sight, and for a short moment, he felt like he was twenty years old again on a stormy night. He used to be absolutely terrified of the thunder as a young dwarfling, and would always seek his uncle for comfort during the thunderstorms. In his young mind, Thorin had been the embodiment of bravery. Whenever he was with uncle Thorin, he would feel safe and no longer be as scared. And really, not much had changed from then.
"Uncle!" Kili shouted as he quickly started making his way to Thorin alongside his brother. As he ran, he felt his own fear disappear. If Thorin was out there fighting, far outnumbered by his enemy, and still persevering, he could do the same. He could fight with his uncle and his brother, and together they could win. The thought gave him a little comfort, as he dived into battle.
The only warning he got was the faint, swift sound of an arrow being shot somewhere behind him before it buried itself into Kili’s shoulder, tearing the flesh and muscle apart. Before he could even really process what had happened, a flare of pain spread all over his body; and he screamed.
“No!” He heard Fili’s frantic shout coming from somewhere. For a moment all he could focus on was the pain. Because Mahal, did it hurt. Suddenly there were strong arms grabbing him and pulling him away from the line of fire. He stumbled along and tried to push the pain to the back of his consciousness. When his senses returned to him and he could focus on the world around him again, he saw the image of Fili sharpening in front of him.
“-li! Kili! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Kili?”
Kili faintly shook his head, closing his eyes to block out the swimming of vision. He took a deep breath and did his best to ignore the burning pain in his shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m good,” he managed to answer hoarsely. It was a lie, of course, but there wasn’t really much either of them could do to change that in their current situation.
Fili’s hands were on his shoulder, and he gasped. Fili grimaced as his brother flinched away from his touch, but he had to get a closer look at the wound. He felt relief pour through him when he saw that the arrow was located only at the shoulder, and hadn’t pierced anything vital. Either way, it was still very much a serious injury and they both very well acknowledged that. Fili shot a stern look at Kili, who just vaguely smiled back at him, being the stupid, reckless idiot he was.
“I’m okay.”
“You have an arrow sticking out of your shoulder.”
“Thorin needs us.”
Fili closed his eyes, desperation washing through him again. As much as he hated it, he knew that Kili was right. Thorin needed them, and they needed to fight. The battle was not yet over. And as it was, Kili had better chances of surviving if he kept on fighting. Fili let out a reluctant sigh and opened his eyes.
“Alright. Let’s go.”
***
The three of them were fighting almost back to back. The enemies seemed to appear from every direction. After striking one down, another one would always take its place. None of them wanted to admit it, but they were losing, and they were losing fast.
Suddenly everything was happening all at once, and none of them could really comprehend the situation as it unfolded in front of them in the span of mere seconds. Kili only managed to open his mouth and feel his eyes widen when he saw yet another arrow flying towards them. It was now Kili’s turn to shout in terror, and Fili’s in pain. Kili could see the shaft of the arrow sticking out from between his brother’s shoulder blades as he fell to the ground.
“No!” cried Kili, rushing to Fili’s side right on time to block a blow of a stone mace coming towards his head. The only problem now was that by doing that, he had left himself completely unguarded. You can be really stupid and reckless sometimes, you know that right, Kili? The words of his brother from the past rang in his head, as he realized his mistake.
Fili, biting his teeth together to banish the black dots swimming in his field of vision, lifted his gaze from the ground just in time to see an orc swing his scuffed sword right towards Kili. The younger dwarf started turning a part of a second too late, and the blade slashed forcibly at his right side, easily tearing through the armor, fabric, and flesh. It was as if the whole world stopped for a moment. Before Kili could fully apprehend what was happening, a pain like he had never felt before struck straight at him. He could vaguely notice his feet giving out below him as he fell back first to the ground next to his already fallen brother. The pain was much worse than the one caused by the arrow. He lay gasping and groaning on the ground, clutching at his steadily and quite persistently bleeding side.
“Fili,” the soft words fell from his lips as he struggled to get enough air in his lungs. “Fili,” he pleaded, because where was he? Where was his brother? He didn’t understand. All sense of the situation seemed to leave him as the pain exceeded everything else. Where was he? What was happening? Why was he on the ground? Where was Fili? Fili? Fili.
And just like always when Kili called for him, Fili came. Kili could feel his brother’s hand reaching for his own. He reached back. His brother was here, and as their shaking hands clasped together, he felt that everything would be all right.
***
When they had signed up for the quest, quite frankly, this was not what Fili had expected the outcome to be. Maybe he had been naive to think that they would all survive till the end, or maybe it was the cruel call of destiny. Perhaps it was just the world mocking them and laughing at their suffering. Since when had this world ever been fair or just towards the house of Durin? When had it ever given anyone what they desired or searched for, or been merciful towards its dwellers?
Tears slid down Fili’s cheeks as he held Kili in his arms and listened to his labored breathing and moans of pain. He was barely holding on to consciousness himself, as it was. The countless cuts and bruises and the arrow buried deep in his back were finally taking a toll on him. However, he knew that once he fell asleep, he would no longer wake up, so he fought against the darkness with all the powers he still had left. For come whatever, he would not leave his brother alone to suffer, bleeding out on this mahalforsaken field of battle.
As his vision began to blur, a distant memory came to his mind. An anguished sob left his mouth and he squeezed his eyes shut, causing more tears to fall from his eyes. They fell onto Kili’s pale face, where his once so bright brown eyes now rested closed. “Don’t worry”, Fili spluttered hoarsely, ”I’m going to take care of you.”
Kili had come to the world on a harsh and cold winter. Too early, everyone had said. Too small. Kili had indeed been a small child. Slender, light. A child of winter. But not weak, never weak. Fili didn’t remember much from the age of five. Most of his memories began only years after that. But he did remember the night Kili was born. He remembered being scared and confused. Thorin was there to look after him, to comfort him, and answer all his questions. (“What’s happening, uncle Thorin? Why is it s’ cold? Is mommy okay?”)
And he remembered seeing his brother the first time. (“Meet you brother, Kili”) He had looked so small and fragile. His head was covered in slight, curly dark hair. His big and curious brown were eyes wide open, watching the new world around him in puzzlement. (“Hello Kili, I am your big brother, Fili.”) Then the brown eyes met the blue, and the brothers faced each other for the first time. And Fili smiled. (“Don’t worry, I’m goin’ to take care of you. Promise.”)
More tears fell down his cheeks as he cried, clutching the near lifeless body of his brother in his arms.
“I’m sorry, mother, I couldn’t keep my promise,” whispered Fili, as the world began to fade.
***
The first thing Kili ever learned was the name of his brother. After he was born, Fili had taken the role of big brother to heart and hardly ever left Kili’s side. Fili would talk to him, tell him about his latest adventures and discoveries, and bombard him with numerous questions and wonders about the world around them. (“Why do you think it is, that birds stay up in the sky? Why can’t I do that? And why is it that grass is always greener on the other side? That just doesn’t make any sense!”) Most of all, Fili wanted to make sure that his brother knew and recognized his name. (“Hi, it’s me again, Fili. Remember? Your brother. Fili!”) So it wasn't a big surprise when Kili’s first word turned out to be “Fili”. Or something along those lines anyway. (“Fee?”)
The last thing he ever learned was that what he had believed about death was wrong. When he was younger, he used to believe that when you died, your life actually flashed before your eyes before it was all over. When he grew older, he had abandoned the idea of such gracious death. Death was a cruel thing, so why would it be anything other than that? But now that he lay there, dying, to his surprise he found that he didn’t feel as miserable and hopeless as he would have thought. Instead, it turned out to be more alike to his childish beliefs.
Because he could see his mother. See her feeding him when he was a little dwarfling. Tending to his scraped knees and bruised cheeks. Comforting him on bad days and caring for him when he was sick. Loving him, and making him feel loved.
He could see his uncle, holding him in his large and strong arms, telling him stories about Erebor before bedtime. Carrying him on his back after he had sprained his ankle on a hunting trip, praising him after a bullseye shot with his new bow. He could see his friends, laughing and playing with him. He could see their house, its sturdy wooden walls and rugged stone floors, the old worn sofa in front of the fireplace, their rooms, and warm, welcoming beds. He could see Mister Balin, looking after the young brothers when Dis and Thorin were busy with work, and Mister Dwalin, teaching them how to wield a sword. Bofur, letting the brothers in his shop to play with the toys. Oin, patching them up after some of the more serious accidents. And the rest of the company, making their way to Erebor, laughing and joking and singing with him along the way.
And he could see Fili. Teaching him how to speak, helping him with his first steps. Telling him stories when their uncle was away on his travels. Playing tag and hide and seek with him, pulling pranks and getting into trouble with him. Giving him the last cookie from the jar they had stolen from the high kitchen shelf. Reassuring him that he didn’t look ugly even though he didn’t yet have a beard, and getting into fights with other kids to protect his honor. Giving him a new fancy dagger with his name carved into it as a birthday present, getting mad at him for hiding a rather large gash on his arm, teasing him for his awkward attempts at flirting with the dwarf-women. Laughing at his stupid and childish jokes. Being the loving and caring big brother he always was.
It made Kili sad, knowing that he could never do any of those things ever again. He could never laugh and joke with anyone again, or pull harmless pranks on his family or eat his mother’s cookings. Never again run in a forest, or hunt animals, or swim in a lake with his brother and friends.
But at the same time, he found it to be alright.
There would always be other dwarvish brothers to do all that in their stead. And they could all live in the great halls of Erebor, explore the nearby mountains and forests and rivers and beyond. His time for that was over, but it was okay. Because now he would be together with his brother and his uncle in the Halls of Mandos. And when the time came, his mother and all their friends would join them once again. So it was okay.
The last thing he ever heard in the world of the living, was the final goodbye of his brother, his words the only thing left hanging in the air
as he felt the worl d ,
bl u r r i n g , f a d i n g ,
“See you on the other side, brother. Let’s find out if the grass really is greener there.”
and then,
darkness