Work Text:
Gyeoulah,
It’s been over three weeks since we had a proper conversation. I don’t know if I have the right to complain because I see you in the hallways and cafeteria at least once a day but it was never enough for us and it never will be. Seeing your face now breaks my heart. You always looked harrowed and busy. But now you look sad too. I wish you would tell me about what is happening. If only you knew the limits to which I would go to make things better for you and wipe that sadness away from your life.
You may not be aware but yesterday I saw you changing the course of your way only so that you could avoid passing me. You may think I didn’t notice because I was with my team but I did. It hurt me no end. Did I do something to make you run away from me? In the past few days I only suspected that you were avoiding talking to me. But with each passing day, the suspicion has only grown stronger and when I saw you change direction, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I have the vilest thoughts coming into my head. I fear that you have run out of love for me. I fear I am not good enough for you. I fear you are done with me. Are you?
I am such an idiot, I need someone to whack my head. How could I even think that you would stop loving me? Why do I doubt you when you are, I’m sure, going through something terrible? Instead of supporting you, here I am allowing these clouds of worries to nest in my head. I am the last one who has any right to doubt your love. It withstood time, my indifference and the utter lack of hope for any success. But I can’t help it, I’m sorry I can’t. I want to support and be there for you but you’re not letting me. Tell me what should I do? Should I not bother you at all until you are ready to talk to me? I had promised you that once a day I will show my love to you. I find myself unable to break that promise, Gyeoul. I will keep trying, even if the voices in my head tell me that you do not care.
Your silence has pushed me to reflect on us and where we stand in each other’s lives and I feel grateful thinking about a lot of things. I think I might have taken your love for granted. I’ve had it easy, haven’t I? I never had to do anything. It was you who loved me first, it was you who pursued me. It was you who waited and you who took all the first steps. All this, while I sat back battling my own thoughts, waiting for signs to make my choice. I feel God has brought this upon us to make me value all that you did for US much more than I do now. I took it for granted that you would always love me. And while I believe this is only a temporary hurdle, it has jolted me awake to imagine a life devoid of your love. When I was a child, my father told me that Hell is not a place where sinners are boiled in hot oil and made to pay for their sins. He said, Hell is a place devoid of everything we love. I didn’t understand it then but imagining a life without you in it is what I assume Hell must be. I am already having a taste of it now. When and how did you become so important to me that in your partial absence everything seems lifeless? Even the little ones in the PICU don’t fill me with the kind of joy as they did before. I know I am doomed. Any hope for happiness I have is through and with you.
How did you do it, Gyeoulah? How did your heart not break when I refused to take you out? How could you deem me worthy of your affection after I made my intentions and indifference clear? How did you always manage to stand tall and put on a brave face every time you faced me since then? Give me your strength. I am not able to stop myself from doing things I am ashamed of. Today, out of desperation, I even followed you from far. It felt strange to spy on the woman I love but that is what I have resorted to. If I didn't have to rush for surgery, I think I might have continued. For a second I even considered following you home to see what is happening. Do I sound insecure to you? Do I come across as petty and unreasonable? I’m sorry, I’m just growing impatient. I will try to be more like you, I promise. I’ll wait.
It must be my fault that things have come to this now. Before we got together, I couldn’t show that I was keeping an eye on you because I didn’t want you to think that I cared. Now I can’t show my maddening concern because I want you to know I care. What is this situation and why are we in this place? I AM LOSING MY MIND. I don’t know what I’m saying. I know I am being selfish but can’t you just tell me what is happening? Let me share your burden, let me help you, let me fight your battles too, let me… just let me in. Please?