Chapter Text
He sat against a wall, knees drawn to his chest to make himself as small as possible, hands fitted over his ears to somehow muffle the noise around him. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was distantly aware that he was shaking. There were voices in his head, screaming, distorted to a point where he could not make out any actual words anymore. But it was loud. So loud that he couldn’t think, couldn’t move.
Then suddenly, hands on his arms, roughly shaking him.
He flinched back, eyes shooting open to reveal a boy in front of him, a face with wide, worried eyes staring back at him. He was wearing dark clothes, a jacket that looked worn at best, and his brown hair had been cut short. Bright red headphones covered his ears, the color having broken off in some parts.
He was saying something, turning his head every few seconds as if afraid to be attacked, but it was still so loud in his head.
It was too much.
The boy in front of him didn’t seem to notice his distress, hauling him to his feet in one swift movement, hands locked around his arms tightly. He grit his teeth against the panic swelling in his stomach at the touch, trying to ignore the burn of it though the thin material of his shirt.
The boy released his arms in favor of wrapping his fingers around his wrist a strong grip, pulling him out of the crumbling room he had hid in. A distraught noise escaped him as his hand was yanked from where he had been pressing it against his ear, but he didn’t resist as he was dragged down several flights of stairs. It was only then that he noticed the ground shaking beneath his feet, the screech of metal and the rumble of concrete being pulled apart telling him that this building would not stand much longer.
"Almost there, just a little bit further!" he could finally make out the voice of the boy, sounding frantic and tense but still not letting go of him for some reason. The noise in his head receded further, letting him take a relieved breath even as he hurried to keep up, forcing his aching body to keep running. They dodged a piece of ceiling falling down, the boy pulling him into a jump where parts of the staircase had been broken off, but finally they made it to the ground floor, spilling out of the stairwell into what looked like some sort of lobby.
Another boy hurried towards them, hair disheveled and dust covering his dark jacket and pants. He, too, was wearing headphones, though they were blue and looked like they might fall apart any second.
"What the fuck Hyung! We lost contact and-"
The anger in the other boys voice faded to surprise as his gaze landed on him.
"I found him upstairs, alone. Couldn’t leave him," The boy still holding onto him explained breathlessly, jogging with his eyes set ahead to where a door had been left cracked open. He could feel the eyes of the other boy bore into him from where he had fallen in step along them, and he couldn’t help curling up his shoulders, eyes shifting down to his feet.
Debris were still falling around them, but the ground had stopped shaking at last when they made it out of the building.
The boy beside them took the lead, efficiently weaving his way through the cracked street and abandoned cars, with him and the boy holding onto him following at a brisk pace. They were both tense, he noticed, and the grip on his wrist started to hurt, no doubt leaving a bruise on his pale skin. The other boy had taken hold of a rifle from where it had been resting on his back previously. He shuddered when his brain projected a memory of a uniformed man, slamming down his rifle on a cowering figure, him screaming out desperately for them to stop, to stop hurting them-
He shook his head roughly.
They arrived at a black van, its doors swinging open and revealing other boys already sitting inside on benches along the car's walls, two of them reaching out hands to haul the three of them inside.
The panic was back full force, with at least 4 pairs of eyes staring at him as the van came to life and began moving. He sank down beside the boy who had pulled him out of the building, trying to make himself smaller, hiding behind the broad shoulders of the other boy. Both him and the boy who had led them to the van took off their headphones, draping them around their necks instead.
"Everyone, stop staring like that. You're scaring him," The boy beside him spoke up quietly but with an authority that let him shrink back further, then turned towards him, shielding him from the others.
"It's okay, you're safe. I'm Chan. What's your name?"
His eyes were surprisingly warm, voice gentle. He observed him quietly, searching for a hidden sign of anger, shaking his head slowly when he didn’t find anything.
The other boy tilted his head, clearly confused.
"What do you mean? Are you-"
His eyes widened as they landed on the arm he had been trying to press to his side to make the blood running down to his hand less visible.
"You're hurt! Wait, let me-"
He violently jerked back when the boy tried to reach for his other arm, effectively pulling his wrist free of the grip the other still had kept on him. He was aware of his increasingly panicked breaths, scrambling to his feet to put more distance between himself and the boy. Another boy had also gotten up from his seat, hands placatingly in front of him.
"Whoa, it's okay. We aren’t gonna hurt you."
His voice was smooth and even if he was frowning, honest concern was visible, shining in the boy's eyes. Still, he stood pressed to the van's wall trying hard not to lose his balance because of the jerky movements the car made.
"We just want to help you. I promise."
The boy gently took hold of his healthy arm, guiding him back to sit on the bench.
Can't trust them, can't trust anyone- The voice in his head whispered, fear travelling through his body as he sat. The boy crouched down in front of him, motioning the one from before - Chan, he hazily remembered – to make some space.
"First, I need you to take deep breaths. Follow me."
He focused on the other boy's breathing, gradually stabilizing his own. He was glad that he didn’t try to touch him again. It also helped that Chan had put some space between himself and them, broad back turned to them and talking with the other people in the van with hushed voices.
"Alright, that's it, you're doing great." The boy smiled at him briefly.
"I'm Seungmin. I'm a trained medic, so I can promise you that I know what I'm doing when I look at a wound, okay?"
Seungmin waited for him to nod.
"It wont take long, I just want to take a quick look to see if it's a serious wound that has to be stitched, or if I can just wrap it up and let it heal on its own."
He hesitated. This boy didn’t look like the doctors back at the lab, who would touch and prod at his wounds with little empathy, but he also knew that looks could be deceiving.
You trust no one. Not even yourself.
That had been their motto, had been his motto, the voice in his head reminded him with a hiss.
But… he also missed it, being touched without the intention to hurt. And the sincerity he could see in Seungmin's eyes was so different from how the doctors used to look at him.
So he haltingly stuck out his bloody arm for Seungmin to take, eyes set on the others face to pull back should he see something too close to his memories in his expression.
Seungmin didn’t take his arm immediately, giving him a reassuring smile before slowly and carefully holding his wrist, pulling back his sleeve slowly. He sucked in a harsh breath when he saw the cut on his forearm, deep and frayed at the edges from how he had dug his nails in. Seungmin looked up into his face for a short moment, something like horror flitting over his face, before he had himself back under control.
"Okay, that's… deep. I think I'll have to stich it back at the base. But it will be fine. You will be fine."
His thumb drew a short, comforting pattern into his wrist as Seungmin looked at him, gaze looking to sooth him.
"I'm just gonna warp it up until we arrive so you don't lose more blood, alright?" he asked as he fumbled with a bag that had been slung over his shoulder. He appreciated that the other only moved to wrap a white bandage around the wound when he nodded his approval.
He sat down beside him once he was done, letting his head fall back against the wall and closing his eyes.
"You can relax for a bit, if you want to. It will be a while until we arrive at the base."
He shouldn’t, he knew, shouldn’t let his guard down around those people he didn’t know. But he was just so tired, his wound pounding achingly and limbs heavy, and soon he found his eyes drifting closed to the comforting hum of a motor and quiet voices.
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When he woke it was gradually to hushed voices talking.
"-worried about him not talking. Has he said anything at all?" He recognized Seungmin's voice asking in a whisper.
A sigh from another person. "No. Not even a word."
Ah. Chan.
"The way he acts, how he looks at us… I think someone hurt him."
A snort. "Yeah, no shit."
Keeping his eyes closed, he felt for his body first, registering that he was lying down a soft surface. He was warm the first time in what felt like forever, and his head was cushioned by what he thought must be a pillow. He was not in the van anymore, they must have transported him somewhere, carried him out of the car…
He shot upright with a gasp, eyes flying open as he flailed. He was in a white room, on a bed with a blanket covering his body.
Pictures flooded his brain, of sterile rooms and cold tables he would be fastened to. The burning pain of whatever new drug they were testing on him, screams tearing themselves from his throat until he had nothing left in him to scream with.
There were hands on him, holding him down, voices yelling, and he couldn’t tell anymore what was reality and what was warped memories.
"Hold him down, I'll get Younghyun-hyung," a voice called out that he thought was Seungmin's, but his head was still reeling too much, memories of pain and blank faces watching him as he begged for them to make it stop, of all consuming loneliness and desperation, of-
A melody cleared through his spiraling thoughts. Someone was singing quietly, in a language that he almost thought he had forgotten in all these years, left behind in a distant life of warmth and love in another world. Slowly, his vision cleared, and he was back on the soft mattress, breathing still frantic. His back was pressed against something warm, and he was being rocked back and forth gently. A person, he realized when the soft hum of a voice reverberated through him from the chest he was leaning against. Arms were locked around his torso, trapping him in place.
While trying to calm his breathing further, he let his eyes roam over his surroundings, clinging onto every detail that stood out against the hold of his memories. The room he was in was big, with other beds like his lining the walls. There were shelves with medical equipment, placed in regular pattern between the beds, separating the room. But there was color everywhere, dark brown from the wooden shelves, red blankets lying neatly on a bed, old pictures he could see at the far end of the room above a desk.
It's not that place, he tried to calm his rapidly beating heart, they didn’t take me back there.
Commotion rose as two more people entered the room, breathing hard as if they had run to get there. One of them he recognized as Seungmin, the other was a man both taller and obviously older than him with handsome features.
The singing stopped, and a hand gently rubbed one of his arms.
"You're okay. You're safe here."
The words were quiet, murmured near his ear in the same language that he thought he would never hear again, and his frazzled brain finally caught up, recognizing Chan's low timbre.
With his breathing calming down, the other slowly untangled himself from him and got up, though staying beside the bed, close enough that if he reached out, he would be able to touch Chan.
"So… English?" the stranger asked, surprising him in the accentfree way he talked. He nodded. He did understand Korean just fine, but to hear English after so long calmed him enough to be able to differentiate past from present.
"I'm Younghyun, the head doctor of our medical wing here. What's your name?"
Aware of the other two boys also eyeing him curiously, he lifted a hand up to his throat, shaking his head with a wince.
Understanding dawned on Seungmin's face. "You're mute?"
He nodded. Technically speaking, he knew that he could talk just fine. But somewhere along the years in the lab, he had just… stopped. He didn’t know if he would ever talk again, didn’t know if he even wanted to. He had learned that the doctors at the lab didn’t listen to his pleas anyway, and that a few of them actually felt some kind of sick pleasure in hearing him scream. So he stopped.
He couldn’t help the flinch when Chan reached around him to place a piece of white paper clipped to a board in his lap.
"You know how to write?" he asked, voice free of judgement as he handed over a pen.
He nodded, the others waiting expectantly. His name… it had been a long time since he remembered it. The doctors in the lab had only addressed them by their assigned numbers, and his mind had long since buried his name along with the memories of laughter and sunshine on his skin.
Felix, he wrote down slowly, in shaky letters. He repeated it in Korean characters for good measure, so they knew he had no problem with that language.
"Alright Felix, thank you," Younghyun smiled, stepping closer. "Mind if I take a look at your neck?"
Felix hesitated; he knew what the man would find there, inked into his skin.
They're gonna bring you back to that place, the ever-present voice in his head whispered, and he felt himself tense.
"Felix, I meant it when I said you are safe here. Noone can hurt you, not anymore," Chan said quietly, reaching out slowly so Felix could track his movement and pull back if he wanted, and placing a hand on his arm when he didn’t.
His brows furrowed in a determined frown when he added, "I won't let them."
Felix observed Chan's face, gaze flitting over the resolve lining his expression and the warmth shining in his eyes. His touch was grounding, soothing almost, in a way Felix had craved for so long. He knew of the scars on his body, knew there were fissures inside of him he wasn’t sure would ever heal, but here in this moment he just longed for someone he could trust. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him.
So he turned, setting his jaw in an effort of silencing the screeching voice in his head telling him of all the ways this could go wrong, all the ways they could betray him. He tilted his head to the side and pulled down his shirt so the mark at the base of his neck would be visible, already prepared for the sharp intake of breath he could hear.
"What… is that?" Seungmin asked hoarsly, in Korean.
Felix felt fingers lightly trace the mark, making him shiver.
"It's a serial number," Younghyun answered, sounding both resigned and sad. The touch on his neck receded.
"You're from Yonsei?"
Felix pulled the fabric of his shirt back over the numbers tattooed on his neck, turning back around and taking the board into his hands. Since Younghyun had changed back to Korean and he had pushed back the unpleasant memories further into his head, he decided to answer in that language as well.
Yes.
He was decidedly ignoring the devastated gazes he could feel on him from Seungmin and Chan.
Younghyun sighed. "Okay, thank you for telling us. I will have to do some bloodtests to see what exactly they did and how it affects your body, but that can wait." He smiled weakly. "For now, though, Seungmin is gonna stich your arm and then I want you to rest, alright?"
Felix stubbornly pushed down the fear spiking in his stomach at the prospect of bloodtests and more needles, nodding at Younghyun.
The older spared him one last smile before turning to leave, Chan trailing after him with one last wave in Felix' direction, questions he didn’t dare to ask Felix visible in his eyes.
Seungmin went over to one of the shelves in his room, rummaging around before returning to Felix' bed, carrying a tablet with various items on it Felix didn’t want to examine further.
"So, this is gonna hurt a bit, but I'll be quick," Seungmin said soothingly, sitting down beside him on the bed and holding out his hand for Felix to place his arm in it.
Felix looked away as soon as the other had unwrapped the wound, startling slightly when Seungmin continued talking.
"I'm just going to disinfect it, its gonna be cold for a moment."
As he worked, he narrated every step quietly, and Felix noticed how he relaxed minutely after the initial tensing of his body he couldn’t control. Eventually, he opted to watch Seungmin's face instead of the empty wall in front of him, tracing the boy's soft features with his eyes. He might be Felix' age, he thought, even if he appeared older with the concentrated frown he worked with. Felix could tell that he knew what he was doing, and then, when he finally finished and wrapped the wound back up, Felix could tell he was good at it too.
He tilted his head in question when Seungmin didn’t get up right away after wrapping him back up.
"You..", he began, hesitating. "You are not alone, you know. There are others here who also escaped from a research facility, and they are fine. I'll ask them to come visit you."
Felix nodded, not knowing whether he should feel relief by the thought of others like him or dread at the prospect of having to talk about the laboratories of the Yonsei research facility.
"But first, you should sleep some more," Seungmin smiled at him and made as to get up, startling slightly when a hand shot out to grab his arm. He stared at Felix, confused.
"Are you… hurt anywhere else?"
Felix shook his head, eyes fixed on his lap. He didn’t really know himself what compelled his body to move, but the thought of going to sleep in an unknown place, alone and vulnerable, made his heart beat anxiously. He let go of Seungmin to write on his board, feeling his cheeks heat up with embarrassment.
Stay? Please? is what he settled on, pushing the board over to Seungmin slightly so he could read the Korean characters.
The other's expression softened immediately.
"Of course I can stay."
His voice was gentle, and Felix moved to make space on his bed; it was a clear sign as any that he wanted Seungmin to stay close. He was thankful to the other that he didn’t comment on it but just settled down beside him. With the comforting presence of the other boy by his side and the warm comforter covering him, he was fast to drift into unconsciousness.