Chapter Text
My dearest Charlotte,
I think it is a great pity that you did not answer my last two letters – but perhaps you did not get them at all. That is why I am writing to you again. I want to invite you to Sanditon for the whole autumn and winter, you are needed here. Sanditon needs you. Your ideas and your power of persuasion. And the best part is…Sidney has already raised some of the money…probably his beloved Eliza has given him…
Charlotte did not read the letter any further, she knew what Tom had written, it was the same in every letter. He asked her to come back to Sanditon to help him with the construction. And then he wrote about how it was all going to be financed with the money from the future Mrs. Sidney Parker. Not surprisingly, Sidney had already gotten some of the money…Eliza Campion was a widow after all, she couldn’t be a virgin at her second wedding. When this thought had first occurred to her, her stomach had risen and she had almost thrown up, by now she had become as accustomed to it as to the dull ache in her chest with which she endured day after day.
Once again, she let her eyes glide over the letter. This time it had three pages, in which Tom wrote about how much he wanted her to finally write to him. But since the first letter, his tone had changed. The first time, he had sounded flattering, wanting to entice her – she had always liked it so much in Sanditon. By now he was probably getting angry, but Charlotte would not return. She simply could not.
She lived here in her little village with the pain, getting a little more used to it with each passing day, but she would not be able to face Sidney. Then she would probably break down, she just couldn’t do that to herself. Tom was also the only one who still wrote to her. The only one who had ever received a reply from her to her letters was Lady Susan. Charlotte just couldn’t bring herself not to write to her. It had only been a few short lines describing what had happened, but she had answered her. Susan had then written to her that when she felt ready, a place in London would be waiting for her. But Charlotte didn’t know if she would ever be ready. She hadn’t written to Mary and Georgiana at all, she just couldn’t, she didn’t know what to write about – and she didn’t want to hear about the upcoming wedding.
Charlotte packed the letter with the rest. Some she had opened, others she had simply put closed in the small box that stood in her father’s study. She knew that her father also read the letters, but she didn’t care. There was nothing in them that he couldn’t know – he knew everything about her time in Sanditon anyway. She hadn’t even told her mother everything, but she simply couldn’t keep anything from her father. He had warned her to leave, had been afraid for her, but she had only told him that she would be fine with everything. And when she came back, heartbroken and with so much grief inside her that she could hardly eat, he could have just told her that he had known. But he had done nothing of the sort. He had simply taken her in his arms and promised her that she would learn to live with the pain.
The study had always been one of her favorite places, the large dark wood desk with the chair behind it that almost resembled a throne. There was almost always a fire burning in the fireplace, only in midsummer, when the fireplace was also cleaned, it was extinguished. The walls were lined with bookshelves, and she had read almost every one of them.
A country girl who reads books.
That’s what Eliza Campion had called her – and that might be true, as well as Sidney’s statement that she got her knowledge only from books, but she didn’t care. In the last twelve weeks, those books had often been a refuge for her when she couldn’t find sleep at night and just sat in the big armchair by the window and stared into the night. Several times her father had found her here in the morning, wrapped in a thick blanket and still fast asleep. He could have said something, but he just let it happen.
“Another letter from that Parker guy?”
Charlotte nodded as she met her father at the door to the study. He grumbled something into his beard and then sent her outside to help her siblings pick apples. Autumn had always been one of her favorite seasons, she liked it when everything turned colorful, and she loved apple pie – but most of all she liked that everything was slowly fading into the quiet season. When the first snow fell, she often sat for hours watching the white flakes. She didn’t mind the cold, they had warm clothes and her mother knitted the warmest socks.
“Charlotte, it’s about time. Julie is up in the tree and won’t come down! Not until you take the basket of the most beautiful apples for the cake from her!”
She rolled her eyes and followed Frederick out into the apple orchard behind the big farmhouse where they lived. Sure enough, her youngest sister was sitting in one of the trees with a basket in her lap. And although she could still feel her heart aching, it got better in the midst of her siblings. Here she felt at home. Although they were so many, they had always had a good relationship. Since she was the oldest, she had also always been a bit of a mother, but she was definitely not as strict as her mother.
“Okay Julie, here I am. Do you like to give me the basket?”
“Yes, but only if we take it to the kitchen right away!”, the little girl grumbled.
“Of course, or someone will eat our apples.”
Demonstratively, Thomas turned away, who was eating an apple with relish. Charlotte shook her head with a laugh; Thomas was the greediest of them all, always had been, even if Julie definitely rivaled him by now, at least when it came to apple pie or ginger cookies.
“I want to go too!”
That had already been clear to Charlotte; where Julie went, her twin sister Letitia was not far behind. Charlotte took the basket from Julie, then with Frederick’s help, lifted her out of the tree and headed back toward the house with the two little girls to drop off the apples in the kitchen.
“Ah, my first apples. You’ve done well!”
Alice, their cook and…Charlotte actually didn’t even know what all Alice was doing with them, took the well-filled basket from them.
“But you already know that this is not enough by a long shot. If I bake an apple pie from it, Frederick will have eaten it in one gulp!”
The twins giggled and Charlotte enjoyed this light mood for a few moments. In the kitchen it smelled tempting as always, tonight there would be chicken, which their father had slaughtered yesterday. Charlotte had already helped with the plucking and gutting this morning and even if she still found it a little disgusting, one got used to a lot. And she would admit it to anyone, the food here at home was so much better than the food she had gotten at Sanditon or even in London. She liked the hearty country cuisine…and not those funny little appetizers she had tasted in London. Who was supposed to get full of that? Or the pineapple, which Lady Denham had procured. She had to suppress a giggle when she thought about it. She had told Alice about it, and the cook had only said that if you didn’t appreciate a normal apple, you certainly didn’t deserve a pineapple.
“Okay, let’s go back and get some more apples!”
That would be easy, this year the harvest was going exceptionally well. The trees they had behind the house were only a small part of their apple crop. The farm was much bigger than just the part around the house. But the big harvest would be taken care of by their father’s tenants, just like every other year. The profit would first go to her father, who then paid it back to the tenants.
“When will the apple pie be ready, Alice?”
“It’ll be a while Julie…tonight at the earliest, after dinner!”
Julie and Letti pouted a bit while Charlotte took the girls by the hand again to walk back outside with them. She knew that Alice would be making the dough now, and if there was a child in the kitchen then, there would be no cake tonight. Charlotte smiled at the thought, she had been along often enough when her siblings had broken into the kitchen to steal some candy. Well, she had also been the driving force behind it often enough. She loved sweets – and just like Julie, Alice’s ginger cookies had particularly appealed to her.
The following week actually passed the same way. They slowly harvested everything around the house, helped in the kitchen or otherwise in the house. The stables and barns had to be winterized long before the first snow came, and Charlotte enjoyed this work. Most of the time her body was so tired afterwards that she found sleep quite quickly. She was glad to be home again, this is where she belonged – even if she sometimes had the feeling that she was missing something, that she would never again be the girl who had left home to experience an adventure in Sanditon.
Two more letters arrived from Tom Parker that week. The first she didn’t even open, she didn’t feel like it and then forgot about it, but the second one came to them late on Saturday night, an unusual time for mail. Charlotte was sitting with her father in his study, reading a book she actually already knew.
And since she was sitting here anyway, she might as well open the letter, even though she already knew that he would only ask her to come to Sanditon again to share his vision with him. Charlotte knew that she would not go back, not for the fall, not for the winter, and not for the coming summer. She didn’t want to have to see Eliza Campion, become Eliza Parker – any more than she wanted to see Sidney become happy with her and they eventually start a family. Maybe she was even pregnant already. If he…well if he was already sharing a bed with her because of the money. It wouldn’t be inconceivable – even if Charlotte found it repulsive.
Charlotte,
you still haven’t answered me, and I really hope that my letters just don’t reach you, because otherwise I would find it really rude of you. We have offered you a refuge and a family all summer and now you don’t even offer me five minutes of your time to answer me.
Charlotte was a little startled by the harsh tone in the text. She had never experienced anything like that from Tom towards her before. She shook her head and turned back to the letter.
I need you here and I won’t take no for an answer anymore. We want you here with us for Christmas, I have plans to discuss with you. No one else seems to understand how important certain buildings will be in Sanditon, especially Sidney.
If you do not answer me to this letter as well, then I will contact your father and formally invite you to join us.
Displeased, Charlotte lowered the letter. This was no longer a nice, friendly invitation, it was a demand – one that she would certainly not comply with. Once it was about Christmas, a holiday she had always celebrated with her family – and then the Parkers had already spoiled her summer. She didn’t want to let them spoil her favorite holiday, too.
“Parker?”, was all her father asked.
“Yes…he…oh, read for yourself!”
Charlotte passed the letter, which was also shorter this time, and then leaned back in her comfortable chair again while her father studied it for a moment. She saw that his eyes darkened angrily, something she had only seen him do once before. At that time, he had been foully cheated by one of his tenants and he had chased him off his land.
“I will put a stop to that now. Charlotte, please go upstairs and check on your siblings and then go to bed as well…”
“Papa?”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it. You know I can solve any problem…”
He suddenly smiled at her, which made Charlotte even more unsettled, but she followed his instruction. She didn’t want to upset him too.
The next morning started quietly, it was Sunday, and they would go to church today. Sometimes Charlotte wished she could just hide from it. Even as a child, she had hated sitting quietly in the church while the priest said scary things from the pulpit. It had gotten better over the years, but now those two hours there were torture every time. There she had time to think – and thinking was the last thing she wanted. Then the conversations with Sidney came to her mind again, she saw his dark eyes and felt again how his lips pressed on hers. And then the question arose in her, how it would have felt if he had not pulled away if they had gone on. They weren’t appropriate thoughts for a church, and mostly she felt ashamed, but she couldn’t just silence her thoughts either.
But even today she followed her parents and siblings into the village church. Although their village was not large and everyone knew everyone, they took up only a small part of the place. Most of their tenants were also here, as well as the rest of the village. Charlotte had known the families here for as long as she could remember. She had played with the children and been scolded by the other parents when she had made nonsense.
She had also known the local priest for as long as she could remember. He had baptized her, as well as all her siblings, and he had performed most of the marriages here, including those of her parents. But his age was beginning to show, which was the reason why there was now a young man at his side. He had come here over the summer, which was why Charlotte had met him late, but he had been warm and open to her – almost a little too open.
She was supposed to like him, and he had made it clear pretty quickly that he was interested in her, but her heart was set on Sidney, and she couldn’t just forget him. Mrs. Brim, the baker’s wife, had advised her to just commit to the marriage, marry him, love would come. But Charlotte just couldn’t do that. He may have been nice, but he just wasn’t Sidney. He wasn’t half as good-looking – even though that shouldn’t really matter to her, but he wasn’t as deep as Sidney either. Maybe she would change her attitude…she didn’t know. So far, she couldn’t imagine ever loving another man as much as she loved Sidney.
A man she couldn’t have.
She had to remind herself of that again. He was engaged to the love of his life and would marry her soon. Probably he had long forgotten the little country girl, what had spent the summer in his brother’s house. She could hardly imagine him wasting another thought on her when he could now have the beautiful, rich, and influential Eliza. She was nothing against this woman, even though he had stressed to her that she would be the equal of any woman. Well, you could see that very clearly now…none of that was her.
The sermon passed her by without her being able to say what it had been about. Fortunately, her siblings didn’t seem to have been paying much attention either, because her mother gave them all a disapproving look, but said nothing more. Together they left the church, even though Charlotte heard the young priest call her name. She didn’t want to turn around, didn’t want to face him. In her head she heard Eliza’s voice whispering softly to her that there would probably be a young man in her village whom she would marry one day. At that time, she would have liked to scratch out the eyes of the blond woman, today she just cursed that. No, this young man would never arouse her interest, not if he had to be compared to a man like Sidney Parker.
“I’ll do it”, her mother whispered, already sending her on her way.
This confused Charlotte a bit, but she followed her mother’s instruction and rounded up her siblings, but not without glancing back and seeing the young priest turn pale, then nodding.
“What do you think Mother said to him?”
Frederick only whispered in her ear so as not to startle anyone else, but Charlotte could only shrug. At her back, she felt the burning gaze of the baker’s wife, who would probably prefer it if her daughter caught the priest’s interest.
“So, if you marry him, I’ll only come to the wedding if there’s your carrot cake, otherwise you can forget about me. That guy is a joke!”, her younger brother grinned at her.
“Yes, he is…”, Charlotte agreed with him.
Against Sidney, most men were jokes anyway, but she didn’t say that out loud. Only her parents knew about everything, her siblings only that there had been some problems in Sanditon. Allison had tried almost everything to get something out of her, but just sharing the truth with her parents had hurt. Once again, she had not been able to repeat all that. Moreover, her parents had also urged her never to tell anyone that Sidney had been seen coming out of the water naked…her mother’s shocked look had almost made her laugh – and her father had laughed.
“All kids named Heywood, line up and then go home!”, she now shouted across the meadow.
Her voice was clearly intelligible and her siblings all so well behaved that they heard immediately. They set off for home on foot, for although they had to walk for nearly twenty minutes, it was more pleasant than going by carriage – especially as they had to take two carriages anyway. In winter they went by sleigh when the snow was so high that it was impossible to cross it. But otherwise, they walked, always along the edge of the forest, until one finally came to the bridge. The river bordered their property, at least in one direction – and Charlotte knew every bend all the way to the source. She had walked it many times, even with her siblings.
“Hungry!”, the younger ones squawked when they got home, because, as usual, there had been no breakfast before church. And even Charlotte had to admit that she was really hungry by now – and looking forward to Sunday breakfast.
Her father joined them late this time. The younger ones had already jumped up again and disappeared into the garden to save the last apples from the birds. Charlotte’s plan for today was to visit the feeders for the first time this fall, to see if any repairs were needed, and to fill them for the first time. Although it was only mid-September, it was already getting cold, especially at night. And the deer were finding less and less food.
Frederick and Thomas would help her, but by looking in other parts of the forest. Charlotte did not need any company, besides, she needed time for herself from time to time. Especially after church she felt burned out and somehow numb. As if the intense thoughts of Sidney were only sucking her up more.
The following week passed by uneventfully for Charlotte. Surprisingly, no more letters came from Tom Parker, for which she was grateful. She guessed that her father had written him what must have been a rather unkind letter, and she was just fine with that. She just didn’t want to be reminded of her time there anymore, nor did it all hurt too much. But even the young priest did not come around to court her anymore. Whatever her mother had said to him must have had an effect. So, she didn’t have to come up with any more excuses not to talk to him. She could just try to get on with her life without worrying that there might be other men than Sidney Parker.
She hardly saw her father during that week, he had a lot to do in his study and didn’t want to be interrupted. So, she helped her mother in the household or was with her siblings on the farm. She tried to banish Sidney from her thoughts – and sometimes succeeded. But then the memories came back with full force and simply threw her off track. She didn’t know what to do anymore, but she didn’t want to worry anyone. Her father had only promised her that she would learn to live with the pain, not that it would go away – and Charlotte was beginning to understand why.
She couldn’t imagine ever having lived without the feeling that a part of her soul and heart was missing. She knew there had been a time before Sanditon, but it seemed like a lifetime ago…like it was a different life. Sometimes she wondered when it had all gone wrong…or if she had imagined it all. The kiss on the cliffs might as well have been a joke on his part, she had asked him herself at the regatta if she was that for him. A joke? Maybe it was…but if she hoped that thought would make it easier, she was wrong. It only hurt more.
Finally, on Sunday night, her father called her into his study, alone. Astonished, she followed the instruction and lowered herself to her ancestral place in front of the window. Her father looked serious – a look she really only knew when she had done something wrong. Uncertainly, she swallowed, thinking about what might have gone wrong in the last week and what she might have done to upset him.
“Papa?”
“You will pack your things the two following weeks and help Allison pack hers. Saturday in two weeks we will take your sister and your mother to Sanditon!”
“What will we?”
“Traveling to Sanditon!”
“But…but Papa…you…?”
“Yes, I’m moving more than five miles away from my farm. And you will not talk back, nor will you ask any more questions.”
Charlotte didn’t understand the world anymore. For as long as she could remember, her father had actually never moved more than five miles from the farm. Business that had to be done outside was usually taken care of by the tenants or, for the past few years, by her brothers. But he had never driven. And since he hadn’t driven, her mother had never gone farther from the farm either. For herself, the farthest destination had been Sanditon, and, in fact, she never wanted to go back there. But now…she nodded slightly. Even if she was stubborn, she knew when to obey her father. And there was a hardness in his eyes that she knew he meant.
“Yes, Papa!”
Uncertainly, she returned to the bedroom she shared with Allison. At one time, the twins’ crib had been here, too, but they now had their own room, right next to hers. Allison was still awake, sitting on her bed and looking at her expectantly.
“What did Papa want?”
“We…well, we’re going to Sanditon…”
“Who is we?”, she asked.
“You, me, Papa and Mama…”
“Papa is going farther than five miles from his farm. No way!”
Charlotte shrugged helplessly and lowered herself onto her own bed. Her stomach was a small, hard lump. Ever since her father had opened up to her about returning, she could hardly breathe. She was terrified of hearing anything about Sidney’s wedding…or worse, seeing him with his fiancée. She just couldn’t bear that image.
“We’re supposed to pack our bags in the coming weeks”, Charlotte finally muttered as she fought it all.
“Hey, you’re not going alone. I’m with you and whoever you point at, I’ll just scratch their eyes out”, Allison suddenly grinned and a giggle escaped Charlotte.
“Just like that?”
“Sure. Whoever hurts my big sister gets it with me!”
Yes, it relieved her that Allison would accompany her. Going alone, or even with her parents, she couldn’t bear. She would never go alone and just with her parents she would feel lonely after all. But with Allison it would be different. They were almost three years apart, but they had always been close, perhaps because of the many similar jobs they had had to do together. When Allison was much younger, she had always clung to Charlotte’s skirt and followed her everywhere, on her little legs.
“I…just don’t understand why Father wants to take us there…”, Charlotte murmured more to herself now.
“Maybe he wants to tell that Tom Parker himself where he can stick his damn city…or…he wants to take a vacation?”
“Papa?”
“Yeah, I admit, was a stupid thought. Oh, I don’t know, ask him!”
“I’m not supposed to ask questions…or talk back. The look in his eyes was very clear – even if I did, I wouldn’t get an answer from him, at most a threat…”
Allison nodded and Charlotte stared at the ceiling again. She didn’t know what to do in Sanditon. If she had to witness the wedding, then she would complete Georgiana’s plan and throw herself off some cliff into the sea. She would not survive that, not if she had to witness the man to whom her heart belonged swear to another that he would love and honor her forever. But she couldn’t imagine that her father had something like that in mind – he hadn’t even reproached her for not taking care of herself despite his warning. She had fallen in love with a strange man and her heart had been broken, but no reproach had come from him, he had simply taken her in his arms as if nothing else bad had happened.
“So, we’re going back to the sea in two weeks. Do you think I can still go swimming?”
“If you want to freeze off everything that’s kind of important to you, you can try!”, muttered Charlotte, hearing Allison’s gasp.
“Is the ocean that cold?”
“It hasn’t gotten warm even in the summer. And I was glad when I could get out again. I really don’t understand how men can go naked in the water…”
The image of Sidney coming out of the water completely naked slid in front of her innermost eye. She had turned around rather quickly, but still had a glimpse of his body. He looked good, there was already no doubt about that when he was still wearing clothes…but without…he looked like a Greek god. Had it not been completely unacceptable, she would have stared…but at that moment she had been full of shock more than anything else, and the fact that it had just been Sidney Parker hadn’t made it any better.
“So, no swimming in the ocean…is there anything else exciting you can do?”
Charlotte turned over on her stomach and thought. She had been walking on the beach forever, enjoying the company of Georgiana…or talking with Mr. Stringer. But really anything exciting…she didn’t really know.
“We’ll see…”, she returned.
“Well, if not I’ll just persuade you to walk the entire coast all the way to Scotland with me and there, we’ll find you a nice young Scotsman to make you laugh!”
Charlotte rolled her eyes but said nothing more. Not that she would ever touch a Scotsman. But her thoughts still lingered on how Sidney had emerged from the floods. He had reminded her of Poseidon…powerful and embraced by the water. He would probably just roll his eyes again in annoyance at the comparison and then pull on his cig to calm himself down. She had noticed that he often did that when he was annoyed – and he had often been annoyed with her.
The two weeks passed – during which Charlotte was busy packing up her things and preparing everything for her departure. Her mother had retired to finish her new dress, which she was supposed to get for Thanksgiving. But her father had decided that she had to take it with her – so her mother had to make the last changes to it. Charlotte liked the dress, it was made of silvery blue muslin, which felt soft against her skin. Her mother had decorated the neckline with glass beads that sparkled slightly and sewn a belt onto the dress, also made of beads. It was one of the most beautiful dresses she had ever owned – and so she didn’t have to take either the gold or the blue ball gown with her. After her trip, she had banished these dresses to the very back of the closet. She just couldn’t look at them anymore without thinking of Sidney.
While she was away, her father’s sister would take care of the house and the farm, so they didn’t have to worry. Still, Charlotte would have liked to hide in the deepest potato cellar when the carriage pulled up in front of her house on Saturday. She didn’t want to leave, she didn’t want to go back to Sanditon, but whatever her father was planning, he was adamant.
Finally, four of them sat in the carriage, which jolted along the road where Mary and Tom had crashed. Charlotte almost wished this had never happened. Then she never would have traveled to Sanditon, never would have met Sidney, and just lived her life. Maybe then she would have married the young priest, who might not have looked at her with such dark intense eyes as Sidney, but who wouldn’t leave her for an old flame either. But it was idle to think about it. It had happened…and whatever her father planned; she would have to live with going back to Sanditon.
The ride was unspectacular…Allison sat next to her and stared out the window excitedly, her mother changed one of her old dresses for Allison and her father read. Charlotte also had a book on her knees but could not focus on it. She had already read the same sentence three times and finally she had simply closed the book and was also staring out the window. The weather outside was modest, dark clouds were moving across the sky and there was a light drizzle every now and then. In addition, a cold wind blew over the carriage again and again. In the summer the journey had been more beautiful, there at least the sun had shone for the most part and only few clouds had moved over the sky. Charlotte suspected that it would also soon snow, even if the snow would probably not yet remain. But that’s how it usually was, the first snow came at the beginning of October.
And she was on her way to Sanditon. She did not know what would await her there. Tom had written time and again that the work was going on, but she didn’t know to what extent she could trust him. He was always coming up with new, crazy ideas that no one could talk him out of. But at least he would soon have Eliza’s fortune…so he would probably not end up in debtor’s prison anymore – Lady Denham had to be thrilled.
Maybe she had the chance to talk to Mr. Stringer again, even if she didn’t know if he still wanted to. When you got right down to it, she had done to him what Sidney had done to her – she had broken his heart. Even then she had hated herself for it, he had always been so kind to her, and she hadn’t even realized how he felt about her. But now it was even worse – and she wondered what would have happened if she had just chosen him instead of Sidney. Maybe she would be married by now, to a man who would surely be much more loving…and she wouldn’t be heartbroken.
She knew it was a lie – Sidney would still have broken her heart with him choosing someone else, but she tried to tell herself otherwise. It was easier to believe that she would have had a future with James. Well, that was over now, too; she didn’t want to hurt him anymore. But maybe he would talk to her anyway and show her some of the new construction. Although she didn’t want him to, she was already kind of curious about the sight of the small town.
Her arrival at Sanditon did not go completely unnoticed, but she was glad that no Parker was present. She saw Mrs. Griffith with the Beaufort girls, giggling as usual, looking after some workers. Georgiana was not with them, but that would have been rather surprising to Charlotte; Georgiana had only left her room when absolutely necessary – or when Otis was around. They finally stopped in front of the Inn, where Sidney had lived at the time. Charlotte shuddered slightly, she felt uneasy…seeing it all again awakened things in her that she would rather have left untouched. Fortunately, they hadn’t been here together, which made it easier – and she also had an idea in which room he had slept. She didn’t even want to know. But then the thought occurred to her that he might be here with his fiancée, and she would have preferred to climb right back into the carriage to avoid any contact.
“Charlotte, are you coming? You’ll be sharing a room with Allison!”
That was common, and she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Here in Sanditon, she had had a room to herself for the first time, but it hadn’t been half as exciting as she had always imagined. There was no one there when she woke up at night and her thoughts went in circles. She had had to fix her clothes alone in the morning or call for Mary’s maid, but that had always been uncomfortable for her. This would be much more pleasant.
“Your rooms are on the second floor”, the young girl at the counter explained.
Charlotte knew her by sight but kept her head down so as not to draw attention to herself. She didn’t want to talk to anyone…especially not Tom Parker. But once he heard that she was here, there would be no stopping him. And faster than she could look, she would be back in his study – and probably facing Sidney, if he was here. It was really exasperating.
Her room was clean and a little bigger than the room they shared at home. There were two beds, each against the walls, both already covered with warm blankets. The closet was empty and there was a Bible on each of the two nightstands. Allison giggled slightly.
“As if each guest didn’t have their own anyway. Whoever lives here can afford a Bible!”, she giggled, making Charlotte laugh as well.
“Probably true.”
“How’s this for going to church on Sundays?”
“We were, every Sunday…but the pastor is…well let’s just say he’s special…”, Charlotte finally agreed.
“Special…sounds great…”, Allison returned skeptically.
“Actually, he’s just weird and after Mrs. Griffith. You just saw her on the street with those two giggling girls. She runs ide girls’ school here and trains them to be perfect young ladies to be introduced into society!”
“Uh…”
Allison didn’t sound excited, which Charlotte could understand. Introduced into society, that just sounded weird and almost wrong. But the Beaufort girls were dreaming of a fairy tale wedding and probably still driving Georgiana crazy with it. Charlotte pushed the thought aside, she couldn’t face Georgiana either, she wouldn’t have a good word for Sidney anyway and that only hurt more than anything else.
“So, tomorrow morning to church…hey, at least I’ll get to meet Sanditon without a mask…in church you can always tell what people are really thinking – and most of them are bored!”
Charlotte nodded. The fact that she had to attend the church service here tomorrow morning didn’t really sit well with her. It also meant that tomorrow morning she would have to face everyone she so desperately wanted to avoid. Actually, she could only hope that Sidney was in London at the moment, because Eliza hated Sanditon. That would make it easier. But she had to deal with Tom, and of course with Mary, to whom she had not written a letter.
“At least show me the beach already!”, whined Allison, but Charlotte shook her head.
“I’m going to leave this room for church and not otherwise…”
“What the hell happened to you here?”
“I…don’t want to talk about it, okay? You promised never to ask questions again…”
“I know, but you’re really not making it any easier. Isn’t there somewhere undisturbed around here where I can just look out at the ocean. Maybe on the cliffs where we came from?”
Charlotte winced as if she’d been hit. The cliffs where Sidney had kissed her, where she had finally truly admitted to herself that she loved this man and couldn’t live without him. This was truly the last place she wanted to return to. The memory was just too fresh, it still hurt too much – and yet she didn’t want to create any new memories there either.
“Charlotte? Would you please go to your father? Allison and I are going for a little walk along the beach!”
Allison jumped up and down with joy before joining her mother, while Charlotte went into the other room to talk to her father. She didn’t know what he wanted from her, but since he wanted to talk to her in private, he seemed serious. She knocked and her father invited her in, directing her to the small sitting area by the window. Charlotte settled there while her father sorted some more documents until he finally joined her.
“I want to talk to you about our visit here”, he explained. “Better said about the reason. You’re getting married on Monday morning!”
“What?”
She felt all color drain from her face. She didn’t want to get married…certainly not here. The idea of her marrying a man from here and then living here just seemed impossible. Then she would have Sidney in front of her all the time, see him have children with Eliza, and pine for this place herself.
“I…Papa, I can’t…I just can’t!”
“Do you trust me?”
Charlotte whimpered slightly, but nodded. Of course she trusted her father, he had always been the person she trusted the most. But the fact that he now wanted to marry her off just hurt. She couldn’t do it, not like that.
“Who?”
“You’ll see on Monday morning”, he told her.
“No. Papa, please don’t do this to me. I don’t want to marry a stranger…I…I don’t want to get married at all!”
“I’m sorry, but it seemed like the only option. In the last two weeks, the banns have already been read. Tomorrow there will be the last one and on Monday you will get married!”
“Why?”
“Because I think it’s the best thing to do. You’ve always been my little girl, but seeing you like this these last few months has broken my heart. And I promised you that I would solve this problem.”
Charlotte didn’t know where to put herself. She couldn’t imagine being married this time next week to a man she had met over the summer…or maybe not. She had no idea who her father might have in mind. Maybe it was James, that would at least be acceptable, but she didn’t know. Actually, she had always thought she would marry for love someday – after her return, she knew she never wanted to marry and now she would have to take a man her father had determined. Sure, an arranged marriage was hardly anything unusual, but her parents had also defied all conventions and married, even though her father had hardly been adequate for her mother.
“Charlotte, please believe me when I tell you that I have only the best in mind for you. And you will understand on Monday! I’m certainly not going to bring disaster on my eldest daughter, am I?”
Charlotte nodded slightly, she knew that too, it still hurt. She hadn’t had any right to speak and now she didn’t even know who would be waiting for her at the altar. But now she understood why her sister was there…and why her mother had had to finish the dress, it was her wedding dress. She shuddered at the thought…and still didn’t know what to do with this new situation.
“You don’t have to come to church with me tomorrow. Allison will be staying here as well. I want you to get ready already. Show Allison how to alter a dress and undo the seams, you know the tradition…”
Charlotte nodded in a daze and then was finally sent back to her room. Actually, she had expected tears to come when she was alone, but nothing happened. She felt empty and at the same time her thoughts were clear. She would marry on Monday, a man she might not even know – and certainly didn’t love. But she would do it when her father was sure it was the right thing to do. She had caused her parents enough grief in recent months. Charlotte still wasn’t sure why they had come here for a wedding, as she had been sure her father would be looking for someone who lived near them, but maybe it was better. Then she could have closure with everything. If she were married, Sidney would really be unattainable, because cheating would never cross her mind. And probably her father had picked out someone she might love someday anyway. The pain inside her had subsided a little…but so had all the other feelings. Maybe they would come back…or maybe not. If she perceived everything through this veil from now on, then she could live with it – albeit differently than before.
Charlotte lay down on her bed and just stared at the ceiling. She didn’t think about the wedding or the people out there she knew all too well. In fact, she wasn’t thinking about anything at all, she just felt an almost unfamiliar calm that she had missed for a long time. Tomorrow the final banns would be read – and even if she didn’t necessarily want to be married by Mr. Hankins, even that would be acceptable. She just felt detached from everything at the moment, as if none of this was her problem anymore.
“Charlotte?”
Allison’s soft voice filtered through to her and she straightened up. Her sister stood in the doorway, but then came in and closed it quietly behind her.
“You’re supposed to get married?”, she asked uncertainly, but Charlotte just nodded. Even though she didn’t understand it herself, for some reason she had suddenly made her peace with it. Her happiness was out of reach and her father had solved the problem in his own way, a way that was perhaps strange, but probably the best.
“How do you feel?”
“Calm”, Charlotte replied.
“Aren’t you afraid? I mean, of the wedding and the…after?”
“After?”, asked Charlotte.
“Well, the wedding night. If you’re already getting married, even if Papa found you the man, he’s going to want a wedding night…”
“Why should I be afraid of that?”
Charlotte had eleven younger siblings, eight of whom she had been with at birth and had supported their mother as much as was in her power. She knew what happened in the marriage bed and she also knew from her mother how to make sure she wasn’t in pain.
“Mama didn’t say who you were going to marry…it would scare me if I didn’t know who to share the bed with…or did Papa tell you something?”
“No, he said I would see who I was marrying at the altar on Monday. He wouldn’t tell me anything…”
Allison sat down on the bed with Charlotte and leaned against her. Charlotte couldn’t even tell how long they’d sat together in this one accord silence, but it didn’t even feel bad. She could only be silent with her older siblings; the younger ones were still full of energy and had not yet learned to enjoy silence. But with Allison, it had always been nicest to just sit together in the silence of her room and just listen to the sounds coming from the house.
“That means you won’t be coming home with me again…”, Allison murmured into the silence at some point.
“Probably not. Unless he’s going to want to…but if he’s coming from here, then probably not!”
“I can’t imagine going back without you”, Allison whispered.
“Neither can I yet…”
Again they were silent and the sounds from the guest room drifted up to them. Their window was still open and downstairs in the taproom they had to be open as well, otherwise they probably wouldn’t hear anything as clearly. She could barely distinguish the voices until she finally heard one that would have terrified her hours ago – Sidney. But now…not even now did that calm that had flowed through her since she knew she was getting married leave her. It wasn’t that comfortable calm she knew from before, but it was better than the pain she had been struggling with for the past few months.
She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but she could hear that he must have already been drinking heavily. Drunk, Sidney had never faced her, although a few times he must have been less than sober – or hungover. And when he was down, he’d had company, at least from this Crowe guy, for whom she’d always had a little respect because he seemed creepy. Well, as long as he wouldn’t be waiting on Monday…and even if he was, maybe he was very different from how she had perceived him.
“Are you feeling really calm?”
“Why shouldn’t I? Is there anything else I can change? Not really!”
Allison nodded at her shoulder and then stared into the darkness again, too. For now, all they could do was wait. Tomorrow they would finish the dresses and she still had to find a bridal bouquet. She already knew where she would do that, too. There was only one place where flowers would still be blooming at this time of year, she hoped.
“Would you like to accompany me tomorrow to find a bridal bouquet?”
“Of course. Like I’d let you go alone”, Allison explained.
“Good, we will go during the service, I want to meet as few people as possible.”
“Don’t we have to go?”
“No, Papa gave us the day off, just him and Mama will go…”
“Actually, I should be happy tomorrow not to have to sit in a stuffy church for two hours…and listen to a sermon that is probably as interesting as the processing of milk into cheese…”
Charlotte chuckled lightly.
“You have no idea. Our pastor is nothing compared to Mr. Hankins. Creepy guy somehow…hangs around Mrs. Griffith all the time. Generally, of course, it means he has a chaste interest in a widow. Well, if you follow his looks closely, he seems to have more of an unchaste interest in the Beaufort girls!”
“Perverse…”, whispered Allison. “And you want someone like that to marry you?”
“Well, he’s hardly going to touch me on my wedding day, is he?”
“No, probably not. All right, an unchaste priest who wants to lay one or more young girls. What else is so interesting around here?”
Again Charlotte laughed and lay back on the bed with Allison as she told of the whimsical characters that had gathered here in Sanditon. She hardly left a good hair on Lady Denham’s head, even though that was not usually her style. But she was honest with her sister about the old lady. Allison affectionately gave her the nickname “old hag” which Charlotte had always had in mind. Clara Brereton didn’t hurt very well either, nor did Edward Denham. She only had good words for the former Esther Denham, even though she actually hardly knew the young woman.
“Okay, a village full of crazy people, if you count visionary and pain in the ass Tom Parker?”
“Yeah, if you want to put it that way, I guess you’re right!”, replied Charlotte.
“And that’s the kind of village you’re supposed to live in. One can really only hope that your husband has a household somewhere else. Or I’ll just have to invite you to continue living with us! Although I have to admit that this James Stringer sounds interesting. I’d love to see the buildings he’s going to create!”
“Me too. Whereas he, just like Tom Parker, walks the edge between visionary and crazy. Tom has fallen – and in the wrong direction…”
“You realize I want to meet all these people myself?”
“On the day of the wedding. Presumably Lady Denham will also ask you if you’ve come here to find a rich husband, because that would be all a young woman would need!”
“Told you so, old hag!”
This time both sisters started laughing and Charlotte knew she was going to miss Allison. She didn’t know how long she would feel so quiet and cut off from her feelings, but she hoped it would last…maybe forever. Then she could survive without her future husband realizing that she would never give him the love he might deserve. But she couldn’t just turn off her feelings for Sidney either.
Charlotte heard people streaming across the streets to the church the next morning and eventually joined Allison at the window to watch her, too. She recognized Tom Parker in the crowd, just as she could make out Arthur and Diana. Mary was far behind her husband, talking with Esther Denham. The children were with her, the girls standing beside her, while she still had George in her arms. She also made out their parents, who eventually joined Mary and Esther in the conversation. Sidney couldn’t see them, but either he had returned to his fiancée in London last night, was still asleep, or was already at church. Or he was back in his cove, scaring young girls by coming out of the water naked.
Charlotte shook off the thought as everyone now entered the church. She and Allison had already dressed, only their coats were still hanging on the door. They were going to leave as soon as the church doors closed. That didn’t take very long either, then they grabbed their coats, at a coarse material but softly lined inside, and left the Inn to gather the bridal bouquet.
“Where exactly do we have to go, anyway?”
“Don’t worry, it’s not that far. I discovered the place through Georgiana at that time. But it’s beautiful there and I hope there are flowers blooming there even now. And I’m certainly not going to collect them tomorrow morning…”
“Mother would rave, I tell you”, Allison giggled. “Remember what she screamed that time Sarah was still playing with the chickens outside before church? And the way Sarah looked after that!”
Charlotte laughed at the memory. She couldn’t even tell how old Sarah had been, but eight at the most. And her mother had always been someone who made sure all her children were properly dressed for church – or, of course, on holidays or when visitors came. They had never had dirty or torn clothes; her mother would never have tolerated that.
Charlotte led Allison to the small secret pavilion and the flower meadow. In early summer, Blue Bells had bloomed here, simply beautiful, but now the meadow was full of autumn asters in a wide variety of colors, from a rich yellow to a deep purple. Along with Allison, it didn’t take her long to put together a pretty bouquet. It wasn’t really anything special, nothing that could take with her to London, but it suited her rather than some bouquet of flowers whose names she might not even know. Carefully she stroked the soft blossoms and caught Allison’s gentle smile.
“It suits you…even if summer flowers would have suited you even better!”
Charlotte shook her head. Summer was over and just as the pretty summer flowers had faded, so had her naive innocence.
“It’s beautiful, and you can’t claim that there would have been so many more beautiful flowers in the summer. Now it just needs to be fresh by tomorrow!”
They hurried back to the Inn. At one point Charlotte wanted to put the flowers in the water, but at the same time she didn’t want to run into anyone. She had no idea who all knew she was getting married tomorrow, but she didn’t want to look anyone in the eye just yet. She hoped that Lady Denham would not be there tomorrow, because she already suspected what the old lady would say to her – marriage for love existed only in fairy tales. Charlotte thought wistfully of Esther, who was the best example of the fact that one could marry for love – even if it had certainly not been love at first sight between her and Lord Babington. Inwardly, she knew that she and Sidney had not exactly fallen in love at first sight either.
Unnoticed, they were able to retreat to her room and put the flowers in the water there. Then they took up position again at the window to be able to watch the people who finally left the church. Even now Mary avoided her husband and headed straight back to Trafalgar House with the children. Tom hardly seemed to notice, he was still talking to Mr. Stringer, presumably about one of the buildings. Charlotte had had a brief glimpse of the building, which had burned down – by now it looked much better. But the dark memories still hung in it for her and probably for James as well, after all his father had died in it. Charlotte drove the thought away.
Her parents were among the last to leave the church. Even from where she was sitting, Charlotte could tell that her father was giving Tom Parker a disapproving look that she understood all too well. But it made her understand even less why he insisted she get married here, and then probably to someone from here.
There was one person she hadn’t seen, however – Sidney. She had heard his voice yesterday, in fact he should still be here, and she had also seen Babington and Crowe. But Sidney had not been with them. I wonder if he had missed church. It would not necessarily be unusual, already in the summer she had rarely seen him there – and had heard the priest regularly grumbling about it. Or he had indeed already gone back to London, to his beloved Eliza. Charlotte repressed that, didn’t want to think about it. But there was still this veil hanging over her feelings that made her see everything more clearly – without feeling the pain.
“All right, let’s separate the seams and then have something to eat. I’m starving!”, Allison finally said as the priest also left the church. Charlotte nodded and then silently followed her.
During the night Charlotte hardly found any rest. She was not necessarily nervous, but tense. Tomorrow night, she would share a bed with her husband, a man she didn’t know yet – and would probably have to get to know first. She thought about what he might ask of her that night – and although she knew what happened in the marriage bed, she also knew that there were definitely nuances to it. She also thought about what would happen then. Would he let her go home again? Would she have to stay here in Sanditon? She didn’t know, and her father hadn’t said anything more about it. He had only meant that she would find out tomorrow. As if everything would become clear when she saw the man at the altar.
At her comment that she would surely be able to read his mind then, Allison had almost fallen out of bed laughing. But it almost seemed like her father was thinking it. Well, would Mr. Stringer be there waiting for her tomorrow, she realized, he would still have to stay in Sanditon…but he had plans. He was going to London, to study architecture, and she wished him that he could do it all. Even if she didn’t love him, she would never wish him ill.
It wasn’t until the first fog rolled in over the coast that she finally fell into a restless sleep. She knew she had only a few hours left – and that today would be a long day with an equally long night. But her thoughts had simply turned in circles and she had not found a way out. Actually, she had once thought that she would be beaming with happiness on her wedding day, but she didn’t even feel like a bride when she was woken up by her sister. In fact, she felt more like she had been run over by a carriage and left lying there. A reluctant sigh escaped her lips.
“Come on, even though the man of your dreams won’t be waiting there, Papa would never make a bad choice, would he?”
“I know”, Charlotte grumbled.
With her sister’s help, she began to get ready. They had prepared a hot bath for her, which she thoroughly enjoyed – and which helped quiet her thoughts a bit. After that, Allison got busy with her hair. Although she usually wore her hair down (and didn’t plan to change that in marriage), Allison put it up today after braiding it. The hairpins had been given to them by her mother, like the wedding dress they were decorated with small pearls and Charlotte was sure that these were real pearls.
After her hair was pinned up, she began to get dressed. The undergarment was silk, something she had never worn on her skin like this before – it was just too expensive for everyday wear. But apparently her parents had spared no effort as far as that was concerned. The undergarment clung to her perfectly and it protected her from her new corset. She had never felt comfortable with it, it was so hard to breathe in it. But it didn’t help, she had to wear it to her wedding. Finally came the dress her mother had sewn – and it fit like a glove.
“You look beautiful!”, whispered Allison. “Good, we have something new, and with Mother’s jewelry, something old. What’s missing is something borrowed” – Allison pulled out her best handkerchief and handed it to Charlotte – “and of course something blue!” With that, she pulled out a pretty blue garter, which she carefully slipped over her left leg.
“Thank you, Allison!”
Charlotte swallowed hard, because while it still didn’t feel like this was her wedding, she was incredibly grateful to her sister. Without her, this would probably be a catastrophe…or at least it would feel like one. While Allison was now getting dressed as well, Charlotte was still putting on her mother’s jewelry and lastly was being helped into her shoes. Her parents had waived a veil, even though her mother had asked her if she wanted one – but Charlotte didn’t like them. She always felt trapped with it.
“Are you ready?”, It was her mother knocking on her door. Allison opened it and Charlotte smiled slightly at her mother.
“You’re beautiful, my lovely girl.”
Charlotte tilted her head slightly at her mother’s compliment. It felt incredibly good that her mother was somehow proud of her.
“It’s time to come to church. The rest of the guests have already gathered!”, her father declared as he stepped next to her mother. Charlotte nodded. She had heard the sounds from outside, but she and Allison had been so busy that they hadn’t managed to look out the window – only once had Allison quickly scurried to the window, but then had explained that she wouldn’t see anyone dressed appropriately as a groom.
Together they left the Inn, but while her mother had already disappeared inside the church and her sister took her position as bridesmaid, Charlotte remained standing outside the church with her father.
“I know you are not thrilled that I have arranged a marriage for you, but I know you will be happy!”, her father said.
“Actually, I don’t know what to feel. Maybe it’s for the best…even though I really don’t understand why we had to come here after…”
“Oh, there’s a reason for everything, and once we’re in the church, you’ll understand it too!”
Her father smiled mysteriously at her and then held out his hand.
“Shall we?”
“Yes…”
Charlotte sighed softly and, together with her father, entered the small anteroom where Allison was already waiting for them. She handed Charlotte the colorful bridal bouquet and gave her another encouraging smile.
“It’ll be fine!”, she whispered, “and if it’s not, I’ll just give him…”
“Allison”, her father admonished her.
“Yes, Papa!”
Charlotte reached for her father’s arm and then the doors opened. She didn’t want to look ahead down the aisle – and yet she wanted to. Everything inside her trembled, for she didn’t know what to do. But finally, she found the courage to lift her eyes – and almost stopped.
Sidney.
There at the front of the altar stood Sidney in a black suit that flattered his figure perfectly. Her eyes slid down the aisle, thinking perhaps he was just best man, but behind him stood Babington, also in black. Charlotte gulped, wanting to pinch herself, but her one hand clasped the bridal bouquet and her other her father’s arm. This could only be a dream…or an illusion.
Finally, they arrived at the altar and her father quietly told Sidney to watch out for her – if he broke her heart again, he would break every bone in his body. Charlotte gulped as she felt Sidney’s warm hands on hers because it felt so real. He was here, he was really standing in front of her and with her at the altar. She hadn’t even noticed how Allison had taken the bridal bouquet from her.
She didn’t notice anything about the ceremony itself. She just stared into the eyes of her beloved Sidney while trying to suppress the trembling and not collapse here on the floor. Somehow, she got the vow over her lips and then Sidney leaned forward and just kissed her, in front of all the people here in the church – which could have been empty, Charlotte wouldn’t have noticed.
His lips were soft on hers and he was gentle. Only very lightly he pressed himself against her, even though Charlotte would have liked to pull him against her. But she was barely able to stand up straight, she certainly didn’t have the strength to pull him any closer. So, she had to make do with this light kiss.
“Come…”, Sidney whispered against her lips.
Somehow they made it outside, while Charlotte could barely hide the trembling of her hands. Sidney walked her to a waiting carriage and helped her inside…without him, she never would have made it either. But as soon as she was seated, the trembling overtook Charlotte so violently that she could barely hold herself up. Only a few seconds later Sidney was next to her and pulled her tightly into his arms.
“Take it easy…it’s all right…”, he whispered into her hair and Charlotte clutched at his vest, afraid that if she let go, he would just disappear again. He seemed to suspect what was going on inside her, because he kept whispering to her that he wasn’t going to leave her again, that he was all hers now.
“But…how…how…?”
Charlotte couldn’t bring herself to say any more. Only slowly did the trembling subside again and she felt weak. She still sat close to Sidney and now felt his warmth gradually spilling over to her.
“You really had no idea I’d be there waiting for you?”, he asked softly.
“No…”, whispered Charlotte back. “Papa didn’t tell me who I was going to marry. But…how could that be? You…you’re supposed to be…”
“Not anymore, or I could have married you badly…or let’s put it another way, I couldn’t have married you here!”, grinned Sidney lightly.
Slowly Charlotte’s body calmed down again, and she could think more clearly. Sidney was with her – and she had just married him. It was still a thought she couldn’t quite grasp, but he was here, with her.
“Explain it to me…”, she prompted him.
“Well, your father wrote to Tom four weeks ago that he certainly wouldn’t let you go back to a place where you were so unsafe. The only way you would ever set foot in Sanditon again would be to marry me. I didn’t see the letter, but Tom was incredibly angry that your father would make such a demand…”, began Sidney and Charlotte gulped.
She thought of how her father had said he would work it out, but she never expected him to demand that Tom make her marry Sidney or she wouldn’t return.
“Tom wrote – as he is even – that yes, you could marry James Stringer or Arthur, but your father stuck to his guns. It was either me or no one. And since I had given him the money to pay for the damages and took the insurance myself this time, Tom decided I would marry you!”
Charlotte stared at Sidney, she really didn’t expect that, but he just returned her gaze calmly. She had thought that maybe he would be happy to live a life with Eliza, the life he had always wanted, but as intensely as his gaze now bored into hers, she knew that she had been wrong. Still, it had been wrong of Tom to ask such things of his brother.
“And you just agreed?”, she asked softly, uncertainly.
“Let’s put it this way…Tom and Mary had a heated argument, and it was only through that that I learned that Tom had written to Eliza that I was breaking off the engagement…It was a rather uneasy evening…”
Charlotte winced. Even though she loved Sidney, she didn’t want to be the reason his family fell apart. Yes, Tom and Mary had argued when she was a guest here, but now she understood why Mary avoided her husband so much – and she certainly didn’t want to be the reason.
“I’m sorry…”.
“No, please don’t say that. You’re not to blame for any of the things here. What your father asked for was only right. And I…”, Sidney became unsure, but he finally continued speaking. “I was going to ask you to marry me – at the Midsummer Night Ball. But I was just too cowardly…and then Edward Denham showed up and the fire started. I’m sorry, Charlotte. For everything, including what happened afterwards. Actually, I never wanted to get engaged to her, but I didn’t see any way out of it and…”
That was the moment when Charlotte just kissed him. She simply could not hold back any longer. The light kiss Sidney had given her in church was no longer enough for her. She really had no experience, he was the only man she had ever kissed – and since he had married her, he would stay that way.
She pressed herself against him as again felt his lips. But even his restraint seemed to leave him this time, because she felt him lift her up and onto his lap. Instantly she could feel even more of his body, of the heat that emanated from him. His lips on hers became more demanding and then she felt his tongue – which made her stiffen completely at first. She didn’t not know that it was possible to kiss with tongue, but Sidney didn’t pull away either. Only cautiously she opened her lips, but Sidney simply took possession of them. Charlotte felt herself giving in to him as he gently rubbed his tongue against hers – It was almost like a game or a dance.
Charlotte wrapped her arms around his neck to never lose that closeness again – while she lost herself in that kiss. For the first time she could really perceive his taste intensely, the taste of cigarette, whiskey and something that could just be him. She felt her breasts pressing closer and closer to his body, and the fabric of her undergarment teasing at her nipples. A shiver ran down her spine as she pressed further against Sidney, demanding even more closeness, even more of this kiss. And then she felt even more – an unfamiliar wetness between her thighs. She knew theoretically what it was, but she had never experienced it like this before, at least not so intensely. And as her desire grew, so did his, which she also noticed between her thighs.
Sidney broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers. Gasping, Charlotte closed her eyes for a few moments, feeling this new sensation inside her. The tingling that had gripped her entire body, but especially emanated from her center. Yes, she knew what arousal was, but she hadn’t expected it to feel like this – and be so intense.
“Sidney…”, she murmured softly.
“I love you, Charlotte!”
She shuddered at those words. More or less, he had made her understand that several months ago, but he hadn’t said it so clearly to her then. She bit her lip and stared into his eyes, which now seemed even darker than they already were.
“I love you too!”, she whispered back.
She tried to kiss him again, but he pulled back slightly. He put his hands on her cheeks, holding her above him.
“Don’t, my angel. If you kiss me again like you did just now, I won’t be able to guarantee anything, and you definitely deserve better than to experience your first time in a carriage…”, he whispered.
Charlotte’s cheeks burned with shame. She hadn’t even thought about it, had just followed the desire – and she would love to do the same now, but Sidney seemed to have better control. He smiled lightly at her and then gently kissed her again on the lips, but this time without tongue.
“What’s going to happen to Sanditon now? I mean without the fortune of…”, Charlotte could hardly bring the name over her lips. “Tom’s debts and all that, it’s not like it’s just going to disappear…”
Sidney had loosely wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close as they stood on the edge of the celebration on the beach. By now she knew that the carriage ride would have been unnecessary, but Sidney had insisted on it so that everyone else could arrive at the beach – and they would have a little time to themselves. But it was not yet clear to her how all this should go on now.
“Lady Denham gave us a little more time after Tom was able to pay the first debt to her”, said Sidney.
Charlotte felt a chill run through her as her thoughts came back to her. And if they had been painful before, now they felt unbearable. Why would Eliza have given him money already if they weren’t married yet? For the simple reason that he had shared the bed with her – and she might already be pregnant. Charlotte bit her lip to keep from crying and fighting back the tears.
“I told you not to do that!”, whispered Sidney, placing his thumb on her lip.
“How many times?”, she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“How many times have you shared a bed with her that she’s already given you the money?”, she then asked again.
She felt Sidney tense up next to her and dare not look at his face, she was afraid of what she would find there. At that moment, she wished back the veil from this morning that had shielded her feelings. But since she had seen Sidney in the church – the man she had wanted to see there, he had disappeared.
“Do you really think I would have shared a bed with her?”, he asked her sharply.
“Why else would she give the money to you?”, asked Charlotte back, feeling her temper boiling up again. Only Sidney had that effect on her, too. One moment they could be standing peacefully next to each other (newlyweds) and the next almost at each other’s throats. She couldn’t even explain where that came from.
“And?”, asked Charlotte again.
Sidney’s arm around her waist tightened a little more and he just pulled her along with him. No one took any notice until they were finally hidden by some rocks and she looked him in the eye after all. So much emotion burned in them that she could hardly grasp them. Shame, fear, anger, rage…and desire.
“Don’t ever think I shared a bed with her again”, he brought out between clenched teeth.
Then she felt his mouth on hers again, but this kiss felt different again. Sidney didn’t give her a tiny moment to get used to it, but simply took from her what he wanted. His lips burned on hers and he kissed her with tongue, lips and teeth. She could only cling to his vest as desire pulsed through her body. His hands pressed her even closer to him and she felt the effect she was having on him. A soft whimper escaped her lips.
But Sidney did not let her go, Charlotte simply surrendered to the assault. She knew she had little to counter him with, so she let herself in for the kiss, trying to return it with equal desire, even though she had little experience. Between her thighs she felt the tingling again and that’s exactly where she wanted Sidney’s hands now.
“Understand?”, he whispered against her lips. Without understanding, Charlotte looked at him. “Understand that I never shared the bed with her?”, Sidney repeated his question.
“Yes…”
Charlotte felt uncertain. Not because of the desire she felt for her husband, but because of all the rest. All this time she had assumed that Sidney had shared the bed with Eliza…but she hadn’t expected that it couldn’t be at all, that he had held back. And she didn’t understand why, Eliza wasn’t a virgin anymore after all, it wouldn’t have been a big deal if he had shared the bed with her even before the wedding.
“Why?”, she finally asked softly.
“Are you really asking me right now why I…God Charlotte. One time we weren’t married and then I don’t love her any more than I desire her. I would have shared a bed with her on our wedding night if I had to, but that’s about it!”
Sidney leaned toward her again, kissed her again, more gently this time. By now she was getting used to the fact that he had these two sides, once this gentle, tender one – the man who had seduced her and with whom she must have first fallen in love. But then again, this hard, passionate one – what she had called cold at first. This part of him had made it clear to her several times now how much he longed for her. Charlotte still clutched at his vest for at least a little security.
“And I got the money together by selling two ships. However, that didn’t happen as quickly as Lady Denham wanted her money from Tom…I probably deserved your censure and prejudice…”, whispered Sidney against her lips, leaning his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry…”
Charlotte gently stroked her fingers across his cheek, feeling stubble there. Actually, she didn’t want to appear that way to him…but the feeling of almost losing him made her uneasy. And then there was this beautiful, elegant Eliza, whom she seemed to have nothing to oppose. And yet…he was her husband now.
“Come, let’s go”, Sidney murmured lightly. “I don’t want to wait anymore, and I don’t care if it’s proper.”
Charlotte knew what he wanted – and she wanted it too. She wanted to feel him now, more than anything. She wanted to be close to him, closer than she was now. And the thought of them returning to the party repulsed her. She had already seen the face of Lady Denham, who probably wanted to reproach her for not marrying for love – yet Sidney was her great love and would be here forever from now on.