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Three men say goodbye.
—
Blaine wipes his tears on his sleeve. “Well, I guess this it, isn’t it?” he whispers.
“Blaine—” Sebastian starts, but Blaine cuts him off.
“When I look at you, I feel so many emotions. But more than anything, I feel hurt. So hurt. So betrayed, Bas. I can’t—We can’t—I love you. I will always love you, Sebastian. But it has to be from a distance. We are not—it’s never gonna be like it was. It can’t be.” Blaine smooths his hair back with his hand. It’s a futile action, his curls break free of the gel anyway.
Sebastian nods. “Okay,” he says. “I understand.” He turns to leave, opening the door that leads to the main room. “See you around, Blaine.”
Blaine gives a weak little wave. “Bye, Bas.”
But Sebastian doesn’t walk through the door. In fact, he seems frozen in place. Blaine arches an eyebrow in confusion.
And then—
Then—
Blaine is pretty sure he’s forgotten how to breathe.
Yes, he’s suffocating.
Asphyxiated.
Choked.
Where is the air?
He can’t—
He can’t find it, the air—
All he hears is his heart—
Pounding, too hard—
Hands won’t be still, shaking—
He feels arms, hears words—
“Breathe, Blaine,” someone says.
Breathe—
Fucking breathe—
How—
to—
breathe—
when—
the—
world—
collapses—
on—
your—
lungs—
“Blaine,” he hears again.
Vision is blurred, tears or lack of oxygen—
“Blaine,” louder louder louder
Breathe, fucking breathe—
Hands on his back, steering him away, legs are jelly. “Blaine,” he hears again. “Blaine, honey, I’m going to need you to breathe for me, okay?”
A frantic nod. Okay.
“Come on, Blaine. Inhale.”
In.
“Exhale.”
Out.
“Again, honey.”
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Vera takes both of his hands in her own. “Blaine,” she says quietly. “Blaine we can go home, if you want to. You don’t have to do this, if you can’t handle it.”
He’s tempted, so tempted to leave. Because seeing them—seeing him—
Him.
Him.
He’s—
Here.
Seeing him knocked the air out of his lungs. Seeing him made his throat close up. Seeing him made his vision blur heart pound hands shake.
But—
“If,” he whispers. “I don’t do this now, I never will.”
And he knows it’s true, because if Kurt hadn’t showed up, Blaine wouldn’t have sought him out.
“Okay,” Vera says. “You sure?”
He nods.
He takes another deep breath.
In.
Out.
Blaine lifts his head, looks down the hallway. They stand there, with the others. Watching.
This is not how tonight was supposed to go.
“Okay,” he says, more to himself than to anyone else.
In.
Out.
He walks down the hallway, past them, in the little door that leads back stage. He takes off his jacket, unties his bowtie. Waits.
Kurt slips inside, closing the door behind him quietly. “Hi,” he says.
Blaine doesn’t say anything, just looks at him. He looks different.
Someone else wouldn’t notice it. But Blaine does. Kurt looks different.
The light is gone. The light in his eyes. He looks like he did when they first met. Sad. So sad. And tired. Kurt looks exhausted.
The boy on the stairwell. Blaine is looking at him now. That sad, scared boy.
“You look good,” Kurt says after a while. He shifts from foot to foot. Blaine’s eyes drop to Kurt’s hands. They’re shaking.
“You look scared,” Blaine replied. “Are you scared?”
Kurt’s eyes dart away from Blaine. “Terrified.”
Blaine links his fingers together. “Me, too,” he murmurs.
They’re quiet, then. Blaine’s heartbeat is still too loud, too hard.
In.
Out.
“I never meant for this to happen,” Kurt says brokenly.
“But it did,” Blaine counters. Suddenly he’s angry, his chest burning with the feeling. “It happened.” His voice is venomous, bitter. “It happened, and you didn’t—you didn’t tell me, you didn’t—why—Sebastian. Why Sebastian?”
He’s yelling, and he doesn’t care, not really. “You picked Sebastian. Of all the people—of all the people to fuck around with, you chose my best friend, Kurt. And now what do I have? I don’t have a husband, or a best friend. I have Vera—that’s it. She—she had to put me back together. Because of you. I had to put myself back together, piece by piece. Because of you. Both of you.”
Kurt runs a hand through his hair. “I never wanted to hurt you, Blaine.”
“But you did,” Blaine seethes. And then, brokenly. “You did. And I let you.”
Love me no matter what?
Of course.
A sob rips out of Kurt, then. “I’m sorry, Blaine. I’m so sorry.” He folds in on himself, wrapping his arms around his body. “I never—it just—”
“You love him, don’t you?” Blaine asks. He knows the answer. But he needs to hear it. He needs to hear Kurt say it. He wouldn’t ever let Kurt say it. Even when he left—he wouldn’t let Kurt say the words.
Someone has to.
“I do,” Kurt answers. The words make Blaine’s insides churn. “I don’t know how, or even when it happened, but I do.”
Blaine takes a few steps towards Kurt. “Was it me? Was it something I did…or wouldn’t—was it because he’s…he’s better?”
Kurt furrows his eyebrows, before what Blaine means dawns on him. He wipes his tears, coughs a little. “No, Blaine—it wasn’t…it wasn’t that. It wasn’t all about that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were perfect, in every way. It wasn’t you.”
Blaine looks at his feet. “So I just wasn’t enough?”
Kurt looks at him, then. Blaine realizes Kurt has looked everywhere but at Blaine. “Listen to me, Blaine.” His voice is shaky. “I wish I could tell you why. I wish I could explain. But I can’t. I don’t know the answers. This would be so much easier if I knew what to do. All of this wouldn’t have happened if I’d known what to do. But I do know this—this one thing. What I did—what Sebastian and I did…you were not at fault in any way. You were—you are the good thing, Blaine. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hurt you. I hurt both of you. And that is my fault. Don’t blame yourself. Please—please don’t blame yourself.”
Blaine sighs. “I miss you,” he whispers.
“I’m sorry, Blaine.”
Blaine takes a few steps closer to Kurt, takes his hand. The contact makes Kurt gasp. It makes Blaine’s hand tingle. “I know.”
“You always say that,” Kurt murmurs.
A weak smile appears on Blaine’s lips. “Because it’s true,” he says. “Just like I know this is the last time I’m gonna see you for a very long time.”
Kurt’s eyes widen a little, as if Blaine’s words surprised him. But he nods. “Okay,” he whispers.
Blaine’s vision blurs again, tears burning. He blinks, and they fall. Kurt lifts his hand to wipe them away. “I love you,” Blaine breathes. “I love you so much. But I can’t—I don’t know if I can forgive you. I’m not there right now. Maybe in the future, I probably will. One day I will remember you, and I will smile before the sadness sets in. Because you brought me to life, Kurt Hummel. But you broke me into a million little pieces, too. You ripped me to shreds. And I wish I could tell you to go the hell. That I hate you. But I can’t do that—because I love you. I love you too much to be spiteful.
“I love you enough to tell you to do what you feel is best. Without me,” Blaine says. More tears fall. Kurt nods.
And then Blaine kisses him.
It burns.
It burns and it lasts for a little while, before Blaine pulls away.
Kurt exhales and brings his fingers to his lips. “Why’d you do that?”
Blaine smiles. It’s a weak, sad thing. “I needed to feel you one more time, before I said goodbye.”
Goodbye.
I’m never saying goodbye to you.
Kurt’s mouth falls open at that, just a little. “Okay,” he chokes.
Blaine realizes suddenly how tired he is. Exhaustion hits him like a ton of bricks. He takes a deep breath. “Goodbye, Kurt.”
Kurt looks at him for a long time before finally saying, “See you, Blaine.”
As Blaine walked away, all he could think about was the fact that out of all the promises, Kurt kept that one.
—
Three men say goodbye.
—
Vera makes Sebastian uneasy.
Not because of her venom, or because of her striking appearance. It’s how she interacts with Blaine. How gentle she is with him, how kind. Protective. They have a story, one that he doesn’t know. One that he’s sure he isn’t allowed to know.
She is Blaine’s best friend, Sebastian saw it in Blaine’s eyes, when she pulled him to the side. That’s how he sees her. And from what Sebastian has witnessed between the two of them, she deserves the title.
Sebastian’s only ever seen Blaine like that once before. When they were kids. It was after Blaine had been attacked, right before Dalton. The two of them were walking, and a group of guys started jeering at them, then began throwing things. Luckily, Sebastian and Blaine got away before they could get hurt, but when they stopped Blaine was a mess. Just like tonight.
And that time, all those years ago, Sebastian was the one to calm him down. To bring him back. But this time it was her. And she did it so quickly, so gently. She brought him back this time.
Sebastian feels replaced. The feeling is unwelcome, because he knows it is wrong to feel like that, when he’s done so much to put a rift between him and Blaine.
It still hurts, though, to see them like that.
But that feeling is pushed aside by the ache he felt when he saw Kurt. Oh, God, he couldn’t even make himself move.
But then Blaine was hyperventilating and his priorities were shifted. And by the time Sebastian was calm enough to even look at Kurt, Kurt had disappeared backstage with Blaine.
There was yelling. Crying. And then it was quiet, and he couldn’t hear anything anymore. He was quietly grateful for that, because it hurts to think about them, together. It’s a selfish thing, but Sebastian can’t help his feelings. If he could, he’s sure he wouldn’t be in this mess.
Vera watches him while they wait outside the door. She doesn’t look angry anymore, just hesitant. Sebastian squirms under her gaze, anyway. Rachel, Sam, and Tina seem to have all disappeared. He doesn’t blame them, it’s awkward and heavy. Still, he wishes they’d stayed— there’s only Sebastian and Vera, now.
She’s still looking at him minutes later. Finally, he bristles. “What are you staring at?”
She blinks, unfazed at his tone. “You’re gonna have to try much harder than that to intimidate me with that attitude, sweetheart. I teach teenagers for a living.”
Sebastian arches an eyebrow at her. It fits, he guesses. Still. “That doesn’t answer why you’re staring at me.”
She looks him over again. “I’m trying to figure out how someone as unassuming and kind-looking can break Blaine into a million little pieces.”
That isn’t the answer Sebastian was expecting to hear. No one had ever called him ‘kind-looking.’ “I’m not kind-looking,” he mumbles.
Vera rolls her eyes. “Not on the surface. But you’ve got kind eyes,” she says. “You have a heart. I can tell. You were going to help Blaine.”
Sebastian frowns. “You beat me to it.”
Vera quirks an eyebrow. “It wasn’t a matter of beating you, it was a matter of helping Blaine.”
Sebastian’s frown lessens a little. “You really care about him, don’t you?”
She glances down at him. Her eyes are a dark brown, and pretty. Her makeup is bright, a stark contrast to her chocolate skin. She is undeniably pretty. There’s something in her eyes, something Sebastian can’t place. A story he doesn’t know. “Blaine came into my life the week after I was dumped by my girlfriend because I was trans. I was out with my friends, not because I really wanted to go out, but because they wanted to get my mind off of her. And then there was Blaine. He doesn’t know this, but he came into my life at exactly the right time. I felt so hopeless. We both needed someone to lean on. He doesn’t know that, though.”
Sebastian’s eyes lift in surprise. “Why didn’t you tell him?”
Vera gives him a small smile and shakes her head. “He doesn't need to know. It hardly matters now.”
Sebastian studies her expression. “You have a thing for him,” he says, very slowly.
Vera scrunches up her face. “Have you seen him? Of course. But like I said, it hardly matters now. He tried, though.” She smiles mirthlessly at Sebastian’s expression. “Yes, we attempted a ‘relationship,’ or whatever you want to call it. But it didn’t work out. I knew it wouldn’t. I just wanted to help him heal.”
A million and one questions are running through Sebastian’s head. A lot of them are stupid. “I thought Blaine was gay,” he murmured, more to himself than to Vera. She snorts.
“I’m pretty sure he is,” she says. “I’m just hag of the century, it seems.”
“No, I think that award goes to Tina,” Sebastian quips. Wait—
Sebastian suddenly has a thought that he doesn’t quite want. He casts Vera a wary glance. “Did you—”
“No, we did not,” Vera says quickly. She smirks at Sebastian. “Why are you interrogating me?”
Sebastian shrugs. “I’m not sure, actually.” His voice is quiet.
Vera softens. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier,” she says.
“I deserve it,” he mumbles. “I absolutely deserve it.”
“Maybe,” Vera says. “But you can’t punish yourself for this forever. You’re not a bad person, Sebastian. You just made some mistakes.”
“Mistakes that cost me everything. I just wanted to be loved.” Sebastian stares at his feet.
“Don’t I know the feeling,” Vera sighs. “You deserve to be loved. Just go about it the right way next time.”
Sebastian looks up at her. “Why are you being nice to me?”
“I’m nice to everyone,” she says, smiling. “But you remind me of my students. You just need a little guidance.”
“Are you saying I behave like a teenager?”
Vera laughs. “Absolutely. All three of you are like oversized high school students.”
Sebastian wants to laugh, but knows what she’s saying is true to some degree. “I guess it’s time to grow up, then.”
Vera nods. She opens her mouth to say something else, but the door opens. Blaine walks out, walking past them, down the hallway. All the smile is gone from Vera’s face. She glances back at Sebastian. “Go,” he says.
She nods. But before she goes, she places a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. “You deserve to be happy, too,” she says.
And then she’s gone, her heels clicking against the floor.
—
Three men say goodbye.
—
Kurt stands there, backstage, for a long time.
I needed to feel you one more time, before I said goodbye.
Goodbye.
He doesn’t know when he will see Blaine again. If he will see Blaine again.
It helps to know that Blaine is okay. That he will be okay.
There are footsteps behind him, and then Sebastian is standing in front of him. They just look at each other, not saying anything.
There is so much and so little to say, and it’s all hanging in the silence.
Finally Sebastian sighs. “You look sad,” he says. “You look so sad.”
Kurt doesn’t know what to say to that. “I am sad,” he says.
“He’s not coming back,” Sebastian murmurs. “He’s gone.”
Kurt nods. “Yeah, I know.”
“I miss you.”
Kurt lets out a shaky breath. “I miss you, too.”
Lips, then.
It’s longer than the kiss with Blaine, deeper. Desperate.
Blaine’s kiss was goodbye.
This one is begging not to let go.
Sebastian’s hand grabs the back of Kurt’s head, pulling him closer, closer, closer—
They’re stepping backwards, until Kurt’s pressed up against the wall, until Sebastian’s face is buried in Kurt’s neck, lips attached to the skin there.
Kurt gasps, loses himself briefly. He could just let go.
He could just let—
Let—
It—
Happen—
No.
“Sebastian,” Kurt breathes. “Bas, stop.”
Sebastian pauses, and then he’s stepping away.
Step step step—
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian says. “I’m so sorry—I don’t know what—I don’t know what I was even thinking—”
“It’s okay,” Kurt says. His body is on fire, everywhere Sebastian was. “It’s okay, Sebastian.”
Sebastian shakes his head. “How can you even say that?” He runs a hand through his hair. “We’ve lost him. We’ve lost one another. What—what do I have left?”
Kurt swallows. “You have yourself,” he chokes out.
Sebastian shakes his head. “I deserve to be happy,” he says brokenly. “I deserve to be happy, Kurt.”
Kurt nods. “You do.”
Sebastian looks at him then, his eyes wide and scared and begging. “Kurt, you make me happy.”
Kurt stares into Sebastian’s eyes, looking for something, anything, other than complete desperation. He doesn’t find it. “Sebastian, I won’t make you happy,” he says. “Not like this.”
Sebastian’s face crumples. “Where is Somewhere, Kurt?”
Kurt sighs. “I wish I knew.”
They’re quiet again. It’s a terrible silence.
Kurt studies Sebastian’s face. He is so, so beautiful. His eyes, lips, cheekbones. He is so beautiful.
“I love you,” Kurt says. “I will always love you, Bas.”
A few tears fall from Sebastian’s eyes. “Are you saying goodbye, too?”
I love you enough to tell you to do what you feel is best.
He needs to heal.
He can’t love anyone like this. Not even himself.
“Not goodbye,” Kurt whispers. “Never goodbye—I just need time, Bas.”
Sebastian nods. “I love you, too.”
Kurt smiles, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. “And why is that?”
Sebastian rolls his eyes, then suddenly sobers. “I guess this it it, for now.”
“Yeah,” Kurt says. “I think it is.”
Sebastian looks at him for a long time, not saying anything. But then he steps closer, kisses Kurt on the forehead, and walks away.
And once again, Kurt Hummel is alone.
But he doesn’t feel completely hopeless this time.