Chapter Text
'Run, run, lost boy' , they say to me
"Away from all of reality"
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Buck took a deep breath, hands resting on the sink, as he leaned closer to the mirror and stared up at himself. He nodded once, before sitting back and taking out the familiar cover up and make up to cover his birthmark.
Danny Buckley he thought, as he watched the last of the pink mark fade away, and then made a face. It had never felt right to him. He had never clicked with his family, but could never quite put a finger on it. The only person he ever felt that saw him for who he was, was Maddie.
Maddie was why he was doing this, he reminded himself. She wanted to make amends and for them to be a family. He was doing this for his little niece and sister. He took one last look at himself, before giving a nod. He was sure his parents would find something to criticize, like his curls. They’d never liked his curls. But he at least felt like everything else as presentable as he could be.
Maddie and Chimney’s apartment echoed with the knocking on the door and Buck’s heart rate sped up. He took a few calming breaths as they walked in the door and greeted his sister. He plastered on a smile.
“Danny,” his mom started.
“You look good.” His dad said.
“You too.” He returned. He winced as Albert called him Buck.
“You’re still going by that absurd name?” his mom asked, and Buck smiled, trying to ignore the dig.
“It’s just a nickname, mom.” he responded.
“Oh, you guys don’t like nicknames?” Chimney asked.
And here we go. Buck thought to himself.
“But Maddie,” Chimney continued.
“Is the name on my birth certificate!” Maddie grinned. Buck watched as Chimney’s face scrunched in confusion.
“Danny and Maddie?” he muttered, glancing at Buck as Albert got the drinks started. Buck just shrugged, in response.
The night only got worse from there. It started awkward as his parents tactlessly brought up Maddie’s pregnancy and Doug. At the mention of therapy, his parents got weird.
“So, what do you discuss at therapy?” his mom asked.
“Mom!” Maddie protested, and Chimney and ALbert made a quick exit.
“What? We just want to be sure Danny’s okay.” she returned.
“I uh, it’s just job stuff, you know.” Buck shrugged, “it’s stressful and just helps to have a place to process it all happening.” he said.
“You know, we went to therapy,” his dad said.
“What?” Buck and Maddie turned to face him.
“Phillip!” Margaret hissed. Their dad patted her hand.
“Yeah, there was… a time when you were both really little. The family was really struggling and-”
“Phillip!” Margaret hissed again, but he ignored her.
“Our therapist recommended we take a family vacation and reconnect, so we did.”
“Was that when we went to California?” Maddie asked, Buck looked at her, confused. “I don’t remember Buck being there.” she said.
“Oh well, he was really little, he spent most of the time at the hotel with your mom.” Phillip explained. The two siblings shared a look.
“Anyway,” Margaret interrupted, “tell them about the other time.” Margaret pushed. Phillips chuckled and continued. Buck rolled his eyes as they moved on to talking about Doug.
The rest of dinner was just as awkward as earlier. But Buck couldn’t let go of the odd interactions of his parents and the family vacation. His parents were weird and acted strangely, but this had been odd, even for them. As he lay in bed, he couldn’t help but wonder. But his thoughts were interrupted by a text chiming.
Text Message:
Today: 10:45 pm
Eddie: Everything go okay with the parents?
Buck: Yeah, I guess.
Eddie: you okay?
Buck: yeah, sorry. I mean. I’m always a little off after being around them. But, I’ll be fine.
Eddie: well, if you need anything I’m here.
Buck: thnx man
Eddie: You wanna come over for dinner tomorrow? Chris would love to see you.
Buck: I wish. But my parents are “making the most” of all the time they’re here. We have another dinner tomorrow.
Eddie: ah, well let me know if you need some video games after to get your frustrations out
Buck: haha. I’ll let you know. And tell Chris I’ll make it up to him this weekend.
Eddie: you got it.
Buck sighed as he set his phone to the side. He was gonna need a good night’s sleep if he had to deal with his parents again
The next night was only worse. After Stan calling after him and the tension of the night before, Buck knew something weird was going on. But he didn’t want to disappoint Maddie, so he kept his silence through dinner, as much as he could. But his parents’ digs about Maddie finally finding the right person and coming to her senses was his last straw.
“You never gave up hope?” he asked, lowly.
“Danny, don’t do this,” Maddie said quietly.
“United front, remember?” Buck huffed.
“You guys didn’t even go to her wedding.” he said, turning to face his parents.
“We told her she was making a mistake,” Margaret replied. “We told her that.
“Yeah, people make mistakes, mom.” Buck said, meeting her look. “But it doesn’t mean you give up on them. You did.” he said, turning to include his dad in his look. “You cut her off.”
“At the time, we thought it was for the best,” his dad uttered.
“We didn’t know what was going on,” Margaret tried to explain. “I swear Maddie, we didn’t know he was hurting you.”
“Well you should have!” Buck huffed, “You should have known. You were in the same town and had no clue what was going on. But you know what? It tracks! Because you never had a clue what was going on when we all lived under the same roof! Maybe you never gave up hope because you never had any to begin with.” he said, before getting up, feeling raw.
“Oh, and you want to know why I’m in therapy? It is because I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment! And you want to talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous? I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you. That is why I am in therapy.” He said, panting a little as he came to the end.
“We tried!” Phillip returned, “But we were already struggling and you-”
“You never made it easy on us!” Margaret huffed, interrupting Phillip. “Either one of you.”
“We were supposed to?” Maddie asked, joining in, “we were kids!”
“Danny! I don’t know what you expected us to do! Maddie was struggling with Doug but we weren’t talking, and the way you were acting we were expecting you to come to us any day to ask about your adoption and we weren’t prepared for that!”
“I was what?” Buck asked.
“Mom,” Maddie said quietly.
“Why did you never tell me?” Buck asked.
“What were we supposed to do?” Phillip echoed Margaret’s words, “Just drop that on you when you were clearly struggling with Maddie not being around. And at an age when so many are already so mixed up about who they are.”
“Tell me the truth! So I at least knew where I was starting from instead of feeling like I was a piece that just didn’t fit!” Buck said, feeling like the floor beneath him was disappearing. “Reassure me, tell me you loved me! Love me for me.” he said, his voice cracking. He stood there for a moment, staring at his family, before shaking his head and running out.
Buck didn’t realize that he hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going until he pulled up outside of Eddie’s home. He glanced at the clock and pulled out his phone, sniffling and rubbing the tears from his face.
--Text Message--
Today: 11:33
Buck: You awake?
Eddie: yeah, why?
Buck: can I come over?
Eddie: you’re already here, aren’t you?
Eddie: come on in, you know you’re always welcome here.
Buck was out of his Jeep and in the house before Eddie could make it to the door, but he met him in the kitchen.
“Hey, you okay?” Eddie asked quietly.
“No.” Buck croaked out, before he started crying again. Eddie wordlessly pulled him into a hug.
“It’s alright, I got you. I got you. Shhhh,” he murmured. Buck let Eddie hold the pieces of himself together.
Buck was up and out of the Diaz house before Christopher woke up, despite Eddie’s protests he didn’t have to leave. But Buck felt the anger beginning to stir in his stomach and didn’t want to snap at Chris. So he went back to his apartment and got his shit together for work. Everyone mostly avoided him as he stomped around the firehouse. After yelling when the firehose wouldn’t roll correctly, Bobby tried to take him aside.
“Buck,” he began, but Buck turned and tried to walk away.
“I don’t want to hear it, Bobby!” he yelled. He heard Bobby sigh and felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and felt the boxing gloves being thrust into his hands.
“Just try and get it out on something besides the equipment and your coworkers.” he suggested, before walking off. Which is how Eddie found him, punching the bag, like there was no tomorrow.
“Tell them how you feel,” he huffed between punches. “Be a fresh start.” he grunted as he punched. Eddie just studied him, hands in his pockets. “Two dinners,” Buck huffed, finally taking a step back. “Two dinners and I am twelve years old again, stuck between my parents and sister. Except this time, this time I know I don’t belong. That my entire life I’ve felt like a disappointment that was missing something, missing a piece that didn’t make me like a part of my family. Well, surprise! You’re adopted Danny! And now…” he paused and punched the bag again, “now I have to apologize for my outburst and my temper!”
“Was anything you said untrue?” Eddie asked.
“No.” Buck huffed between punches. Eddie shrugged.
“Sure, you could have maybe phrased things differently or not yelled, but they dropped a bomb on you. You don’t have to apologize.” Eddie said, Buck glared at him, but was interrupted by his phone ringing.
“It’s Maddie, she’s worried!” He yelled, kicking the bag. Eddie took a step back,
“Wonder why,” he said, shaking his head, before turning and walking off. Buck heaved a few breaths, before sighing and sitting down, head in his hands. There was no reason to yell at Eddie, he was just trying to help.
The rest of the day, Buck was subdued. Maddie called four more times and Chimney asked him to please pick up. As their shift wrapped up, he finally took her call.
“Danny, oh thank god.” Maddie breathed. Buck inhaled deeply.
“Look, I can’t talk right now, we’re still on shift,” he said, he heard Maddie sniffle quietly on the other end and sighed. “But uh, I could come over after dinner? We can talk in person? I don’t want to do this over the phone.” he said.
“Okay,” Maddie said quietly, “Thank you, Buck.” she whispered, before hanging up. Buck felt something in him ease ever so slightly. His sister was the only one who made Danny sound like it fit him, but he was still more comfortable with Buck. He looked up from his phone and found Eddie on the other side of the loft who smiled and nodded his head encouragingly. Buck let out a long breath, but nodded back. At least he was having dinner with Eddie and Christopher tonight.
Buck was exhausted. Emotionally and physically, it was all taking a toll on him.
“Bucky? Are you sad?” Christopher asked after dinner. Buck inhaled and glanced over, smiling at Chris.
“Yeah, bud. A little bit. But I’ll be okay.” he said.
“Can you read me a bedtime story?” he asked, Buck glanced over at Eddie who stepped in.
“It’s just gonna be you and me, tonight bud. Buck has to go talk to his sister.” he explained.
“Oh, okay.” Christopher sighed.
“Hey,” Buck said, waiting for Christopher to meet his eyes, “I’ll make it up to you and read you two this weekend. Okay?” he asked, “Maybe even spend the night here?” he asked, looking to make sure it was okay with Eddie, who nodded.
“Yeah! A sleepover!” Christopher said excitedly. Buck and Eddie chuckled.
“Alright, mijo. You go start getting ready for bed. I’ll come tuck you in.” he said.
“Okay.” Chris sighed, before making his way out of the room. Buck took a deep breath and started to clear the table, but Eddie took the dishes from him.
“You go ahead and go Buck. I know you want to apologize and talk to Maddie. I’ll take care of things here.,”
“But,” Buck started. Eddie leveled him with a look and he sighed. “Yeah okay.” he said, slipping into the hall to grab his shoes.
Buck returned to the kitchen to grab his phone and wallet from the countertop and Eddie stopped him, pulling him into a hug.
“You don’t owe anyone an apology.” he murmured.
“Agree to disagree.” Buck offered, squeezing Eddie back and breathing in his scent. Eddie just shook his head, “Come on, at least to Maddie. She’s been calling me and she was trying hard to mend the fences. None of this is her fault.” he sighed. Eddie gave one last hug and stepped back.
“Buck,” he said, making sure Buck met his eyes. “It’s okay to not be okay.” he said. Buck rolled his eyes and kind of laughed, but Eddie shook his head.
“I’m serious. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my shit and with things as Christopher gets older, it’s okay to have days where you’re just not okay.” he said. Buck smiled and punched his shoulder.
“Look at you. Learning how to deal with shit.” he said. Eddie chuckled and shook his head.
“Get out of here.” he laughed, grabbing up a kitchen towel and swatting out at Buck. Buck laughed and disappeared out the door as Eddie turned on the dish water.
When Maddie opened the door and held her arms out for a hug, Buck smiled and felt everything settle, like it always did when his sister was there.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into her shoulder as he hugged back.
“I get it,” Maddie said, running her hands through his hair. “But we’re family, Danny. It happens.” Buck rolled his eyes and started heading towards the living room.
“Right, all families are dysfunctional and secretive.” He muttered.
“Well, okay maybe that’s not necessarily true. But, I more meant that families all disagree. What’s important is we learn to move on.” she said.
“Yeah, I guess.” Buck sighed and headed towards the living room.
“You okay?” Maddie asked as she followed after Buck.
“Embarrassed, mostly, at the way I went off at mom and dad. And hurt that they kept such a big secret from me.” he sighed, settling in to sit down. “It’s just, after I struggled so much with feeling like they didn’t care about me or I didn’t fit in with the family, I learn that there was a real reason behind it but they never told me.”
“Danny, you’ve always fit in our family. You’ll always be my little brother, that followed me around persistently, and came running for help when you needed it. I loved you my whole life growing up, and I will always love you Buck. No matter who you are or where you come from.” she said. They shared a watery smile.
Buck looked around for a distraction and found the baby box.
“Well, uh, I gotta say,” he said reaching over to pick it up and place it on the table, “This was a surprise. Never kew they were so sentimental.” he said, flipping it open, ignoring the twinge of hurt and jealousy.
“Yeah, they used to be… different.” Maddie said.
“Different, how?” Buck asked, eyes on the baby box. He knew there wasn’t one for him. He could tell on the look his parents had shared at dinner. He wondered if he didn’t have one because of his age when he was adopted.
“Happier, more involved,” she said. Buck glanced up and she shook her head. “I uh, maybe they weren’t. Kids change things.” she said. Buck turned and dug through the box a little, a picture capturing his interest.
“Hey, hey, who’s this handsome devil?” he asked grinning, as he pulled out a photo of a boy with a bike.
“Oh, that’s not supposed to be in there,” Maddie said,
“What no pictures of me allowed in your baby box?” Buck teased, but the smile slid off his face as he took in the photo and flipped it over. “1988, this can’t be right… I wasn’t even born yet.” he muttered, turning his gaze to Maddie. She looked like she’d seen a ghost.
“Maddie.” he said, studying her, she stared at the box. “Maddie, who is this?” he asked. She nodded to herself before glancing to meet Buck’s gaze.
“We, we had a brother.” She muttered, “but, he died. I don’t, I don’t entirely remember whether you were adopted before or after he died.” she whispered. “His name was Daniel.”
Buck felt like the rug had been tugged out from beneath him or like his world was crashing around him.
“Daniel,” Buck muttered, turning back to the photo. And then something horrible clicked into place. “Danny,” he uttered. “When did Daniel die?” he asked slowly, turning to face Maddie.
“1993.” she whispered, eyes watery.
“When was I adopted?” he asked, voice hoarse.
“I… I don’t, I don’t remember, Buck. I was little too.” she said.
“And why... Why did you never tell me? Any of it?” he asked, voice cracking.
“I didn’t know how, Buck! I was a kid and mom and dad made me promise to not tell you. And then, you never asked so I didn’t think you knew or wanted to know.” she cried.
“Well you should have. You should have told me, Maddie.” he uttered, angrily brushing his own tears away and standing up, storming out of the apartment.