Chapter Text
Part 1
February
I threw my backpack on my bed. I didn’t have long to pack and be gone.
I had tried to be strong and push through the pain, and I couldn’t do it anymore.
The day Dimitri was healed by Lissa and became a dhampir again was the greatest and worst day of my life.
The love of my life was returned to life, but not to me.
The anger I felt towards him and Lissa had been so consuming. I kept trying to get Dimitri to admit he still loved me, but he didn’t. Love fades. Mine has.
The number of times just the memory of those words had brought me to my knees.
Not long after being restored, Hans followed through with my suggestion of using Dimitri’s knowledge to track down and kill Strigois in the United States. Forming an elite guardian squad of sorts, they set out to take them down. I had so wanted to be a part of it, but still being punished, I was denied. The only upside was I was placed back on Lissa’s Guardian.
For three months, we heard bits and pieces of their accomplishments. Every morning I woke up with a dread that I would receive news that Dimitri had been killed and it all would have been for nothing.
The time apart was useful only for the fact that it gave me time to consider how Dimitri had been feeling, the guilt he held for what he did. For everything, and especially about what happened between us.
My new perspective gave me some hope that maybe I could help him work through it. I would slowly approach him, build up our relationship again. I would do everything I had to to make him accept I have forgiven him for everything.
That hope carried me through. And the day he returned, that hope was destroyed.
If I thought he was cold to me before, nothing had prepared me for when he returned. It was like he didn’t know me. Always hard-faced, flat voice, no sense of the familiarity we once held. The worst part was how he would refer to me.
Guardian Hathaway .
He never called me Rose.
Things became worse when he was given his Guardian title back and reassigned as Lissa’s second guardian to reward his achievements.
Every day we had to work together was like my world wasn’t falling apart, over and over.
He still referred to me only by my last name or through someone else—a purely professional relationship. But with everyone else, he was practically the same Dimitri he had been.
I had tried to endure it, to stay strong. He was still healing, and I wasn’t going to push him. I would show him that I was willing to wait for him, for the day he was ready to start forgiving himself.
I made it two months.
I had become used to the cold and hard Dimitri and had long let go of the hope of seeing him genuinely smile and laugh again. Sure he had shown joy around others, but it was never real, or it was strained. He never let himself feel joy anymore.
Then one day, I wander into Lissa’s kitchen of her townhome, it was my day off, but with nothing better to do, I figured we would spend some girl time together. Watch a movie, eat junk food. Be like old times.
Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by Lissa, Christian, Eddie and Dimitri having the time of their lives around the kitchen island. I froze at the sight of Dimitri smiling, a genuine smile, at Lissa.
I had wanted to bring that part back to him. But just like with saving his soul, it was Lissa that achieved it.
As soon as his eyes met mine, he stopped, the mask slipped back on. He was closed off to me.
I realised that night he was never coming back to me. Staying here was only hurting me. After a long night of drinking, I decided I had to leave.
I couldn’t stay and watch him return to everyone but me.
A call to Abe, a new passport later, I had a plan. I handed in my resignation letter to Hans and came back to my room to pack my bag.
Lissa had meetings for the next four hours, plenty of time to gather my small possessions and leave a letter for my friends to explain I had left. I would be at the airport before they even knew I was gone.
I didn’t take much. Too many items had memories that I didn’t want to bring with me. My bag had to be light anyway to be carry on. I left the chotki Lissa had given me on my desk.
I wasn’t her guardian any more.
The only thing I took that I shouldn’t have was a photo of Dimitri and I.
It was of us, from our days at the Academy. We had just finished training, and I took his phone and snapped a photo. He was smiling in it, a look of affection in his eyes that I now only see in my dreams. I emailed it to myself before Dimitri took his phone back and then printed it so I could look at it whenever I wanted.
This was all I had left now.
I still loved him, with all of my being. I don’t think I could ever stop. If he walked up to me and told me he wanted me, I would go back to him in an instant. But that was only wishful thinking.
I needed to get away from him, he had moved on, and it was my turn to do the same.
I shoved the photo deep into the bag, zipping it up. With one last look around, I left my room.
I trekked over to Lissa’s townhouse, keeping my head down to avoid any conversations. I just had to go in and leave the letters in her study where I knew she would find them and leave.
My plan of seeing no one didn’t last long.
I had entered and was up the stairs before I heard the voices. I froze on the top step. Dimitri stood guard outside the study, Lissa’s voice muffled by the closed door. His surprise mirrored mine.
“Hathaway. Why are you here?” Dimitri asks, his expression closed off. Same as it always was when speaking to me. Gone was the affection.
I had long since stopped flinching at the use of my last name when referring to me. Why were they here? I took a breath to steady myself, “I thought her meetings were in the Council room today?”
He cocked his eyebrow. Usually, I always knew where she was, but in my determination to not think of how Lissa would react, I had completely ignored the bond. I didn’t pay attention to where she was.
“She had to change to here last minute.” He eyed me, flicking between me and the bag over my arm, “What’s going on?”
There was a hint of concern in his voice, the first emotion I had pulled from him in weeks. I had pushed him so many times since he returned, mainly to anger. Anything was better than the distant way he would treat me.
I steeled myself. I needed to do this. I can’t let myself give in to my feelings for him again. Not again .
I held the letter for Lissa out to him, “I need you to give this to Lissa, preferably when she is alone or with Christian.”
He didn’t take the letter; instead, his eyes widened as the realisation hit. “Rose,” He used my name. My heart fluttered. He only used my name when he had reached his limit, emotions breaking through his calm facade.
I shook the letter wanting him to take it so I could leave. “I explain everything in the letter.”
“You’re leaving? You can’t leave.” It sounded like he was begging, but he wouldn’t beg for someone he doesn’t love anymore.
“I have already told Hans I’m sure he will find a good replacement. Now please take the letter, my car is waiting.”
He moved towards me. I took a step back, “Rose, you can’t leave her,” His eyes searched my face, “You can’t leave…” he trailed off, looking pained.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat, “I have to. I can’t keep doing this.” my voice was small, broken, just like me.
“Please,” He begged.
I couldn’t give in. Pressing the letter into his hand, I spun on my heel and left. I couldn’t look back at him even as he called after me.
I all but ran from Lissa’s home, a black car already parked out front. I threw my bag in the back and then myself into the passenger seat. Adrian is behind the wheel.
“Drive.” I rasped. Staring straight ahead.
Adrian was the only person I confided my plan in; he didn’t like it but agreed to help me, insisting on driving me to the airport.
If he noticed the few tears I let fall, he didn’t mention it. He did as ordered and started the car. He remained silent as we left Court, passing through the checkpoint and pulling onto the highway heading to the closest airport.
I wiped my eyes, refusing to cry any more over Dimitri. I jumped as Adrian slammed his palm against the steering wheel.
“I’m going to kill him.”
I shook my head, “It’s not his fault.”
“The hell it is!”
We had had this conversation so many times, “He has gone through so much, I can’t force him to get over it.” I tried to reason with him.
He turned to me, “What about what you went through?” Eyes shifting from me to the road.
“Lissa is the one that saved him,” I replied. It’s what everyone said, and it was true.
Slamming the wheel again, “That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
I huffed a laugh or an attempt of one. “It doesn’t matter anymore. He has moved on, and now it’s my turn.”
“I’m going punch him.” Adrian grumbled, “You would have been better off with me, you know.” He threw out, bringing a smile to my face.
“One, you could never take him, and two,” I glanced at him, “We both know it wouldn’t have worked between us.”
He frowned, sighing, “Yeah.”
We remained silent the rest of the drive. It was only half an hour, but it felt like forever.
Slowly the realisation set in that I really was leaving everything I knew behind. I had done this before when I went looking for Dimitri to kill him. Yet somehow, this felt worse.
---
Adrain parked the car in the drop off zone. I didn’t want him to come in. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my second envelope, Dimitri’s name written on the front. I was going to leave it with Lissa’s but didn’t have the nerve to hand it to Dimitri with hers.
I passed it to Adrian, “Will you give this to him, please?”
He took the letter like it had offended him personally, “Can’t promise I won’t burn it.” He muttered.
I smiled at him; I knew he would make sure Dimitri got it. He just wanted to protect me. I leaned over the centre console and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for everything, Adrian.” I handed another piece of paper to him, “You can contact me here. Only use it in an extreme emergency, okay.” I warned.
With that, I opened the door, reaching back in only to grab my bag. Before I could close the door, he spoke again.
“I’m going to miss you, little dhampir,” he looked at me, eyes watery, “Take care of yourself.”
I didn’t waste any time walking into the airport and to the front desk to print my ticket. If I gave myself a second to think, I was scared I would turn back.
I had to do this.
---
I shifted in my seat. I had splurged a little on the flight getting a seat in business class. It was a long flight to Russia.
---
I couldn’t ignore the calling of Lissa in my head anymore. Knowing that I couldn’t turn back as it is, I let myself slip in.
Lissa was pacing back and forth in her study, the letter I had written clutch in her hand. Christian leant against the desk; he was as pissed off as Lissa, though there was a look in his eyes that made me think he understood. Dimitri was against the wall, still in guardian mode.
“How could she do this? She just left!” Lissa yelled, venting more than expecting answers. She paused mid-step, staring at herself in the mirror on the wall, looking at me . “Come back now, Rose. I know you can hear me!” Rose, please come back! She called through the bond.
The pain she felt was like a knife cutting into me. I wish I could comfort her.
For so long, we had been told They come first . And Lissa always had, I completely believed that she did and was happy to put her above me.
I defended that way of thinking to so many, including Dimitri. He had argued that I had to put myself above her needs sometimes. When he had said that, I thought he was crazy, there was no way I would ever agree with that, and then Dimitri died. And now, I was again putting myself before her and putting myself above everyone. I need this. I wish I could push that through the bond to her.
Lissa stared at herself a moment longer before turning away, slumping as her anger left her, leaving grief in its place. She slowly made her way to Christian, who instantly took her in his arms. “Why did she have to leave?” Her voice broke, sobbing into his chest. “Why didn’t she talk to me?”
Christian tried to soothe her, “You know Rose, she thought she had to do it alone.”
“But she doesn’t have to.” She cried.
“I’m sorry, Lissa, this is all my fault.” Dimitri’s voice pulled her attention. He sounded strained. If I didn’t know better, I swore there was moisture gathering in his eyes. But there was no way he was crying over me, I told myself. It must be because Lissa’s own eyes were tear-filled.
She shook her head, “No, Dimitri, it isn’t-” she was cut off by Adrian storming into her study.
“You’re damn right it is!” I don’t think I had seen Adrian so angry. He usually kept his cool and cocky nature. This was pure rage now.
“Adrian!” Lissa warned.
He continued, ignoring her, getting in Dimitri’s face, “You fucked up this time. You fucked her up!” He threw a punch, fist connecting with Dimitri’s face.
The blow barely knocked Dimitri back, more from the surprise than the punch throwing him off balance. Adrian grasped his hand in pain.
“Fuck!”
Lissa marched to Adrian, “Wait, how did you know she was gone?”
Shaking off his hand, “I dropped her off at the airport.” He glared at Dimitri, “She told me her plan after I found her drunk and crying last week.”
The night after seeing Dimitri with others smiling, I broke. Buying a bottle of vodka, I drank away my pain. Adrian found me on the floor of my room, crying my heart out. I told him everything that night.
Everything .
He didn’t want to hear about his ex talking about the love of their life, but he listened and comforted me.
The next day I told him I was leaving.
Dimitri stared at him with a mixture of shock and surprise. Adrian continued his tirade, “I get it, you’re messed up right now, but so is she! You feel bad for what you did. She blames herself for all of it, for not stopping you. Everything. she is holding herself responsible for it all!” He got in Dimitri’s face again, “After every damn thing she did for you, and you don’t even call her by her own damn name.” He shoved at Dimitri’s chest, barely affecting him.
Lissa gasped, crying into her hand. Christian pulls her towards him again. “Give it a rest, Adrian. If you knew this was going to happen, you should have said something.” Christian ground out at him, trying to control his temper.
Adian took a deep breath, calming himself, “I didn’t want to make her feel more trapped, so I was going let her leave and then go find her.” He explained, dragging his fingers through his hair, “Or at least I was, but I have no idea where she is going.”
“You lost her? How?” Christian asked.
“She must have used a different passport or something. I even checked her bank account, but there was only a large withdrawal of some money she had recently received.”
“Zmey,” Dimitri stated, his expression closed off again.
Adrian nodded, “My thoughts exactly.” He glared at him for a second, “You don’t deserve anything from her, but if she knew I threw it away, she would kill me.” He tossed the letter at Dimitri, who quickly caught it.
Dimitri tore open the envelope and read it. His tense body sagged. He kept his head down, shielding his eyes. He didn’t share the contents of the letter; instead, stepping out of the room without a word.
I could picture the letter perfectly—parts of the paper warped from tears that dropped on it as I wrote it.
Dimitri,
I know Lissa won’t understand, but I have to find myself without you.
The only thing that kept me going for so long was to save you, but now you don’t need me anymore.
You are the only person in this world that I trust to look after Lissa like I would. Protect her for me.
I will always love you. I’m sorry for everything.
Roza.
----
After that, I didn’t let myself go into Lissa’s head anymore.
----
While Abe did transfer me the money when I asked, he never asked where I was going, even when I asked for the name of someone that could get me a clean passport.
I had considered going somewhere no one knew me, like Australia or something. The only reason I decided on Russia was that I wanted to be a guardian of sorts still. Dimitri may have made me the guardian I am today, but it was a goal I always wanted to reach. To throw away all that hard work felt like an insult to all that had believed in me along the way.
There was still a large amount of Strigois in Russia, along with Abe’s resources and what I know of Dimitri’s information about the Strigoi set up, I could make a difference here.
I landed in Moscow and worked my way around until I found someone with information about Abe’s current setup. I could have called and asked him, but that gave him a chance to turn me away. If I were already in front of him, he would have no choice.
---
Standing outside the run-down building that is supposedly the office of Zemy, I was pretty sure I had been lied to. Abe was flashy. Therefore, I assumed anywhere he set up shop would also be showy and not… this.
The building was about three stories high, in an almost deserted part of town, that if I didn’t know how to protect myself, I would never have step foot in. The windows were tinted black, the only possible sign that made me think this may just be the right place.
The inside looked as questionable as the outside. Sparse and in need of repair. A sign on the far wall had an arrow pointing up the stairs with Russian on it, and I really hoped it said Reception.
The second floor was like a completely different building. It was modern and furnished with a wide hallway from the stairs. There was a couple of doors space throughout, with a set of large double doors at the end of the hallway; a lady sat at the desk beside them. I beelined for her.
When I reached the desk, the woman, human, slowly glanced at me, eyes cold. I already disliked her. I dropped my bag on the ground by my feet, smirking at her look of disgust.
“I’m here to see Zmey,” I spoke in English, hoping she understood.
Pursing her red lips, she responded, with a slight Russian accent, “Do you have an appointment?”
“Don’t need one.”
She turned back to her computer, “Appointments are required.”
I leant in, trying to look menacing, “Tell him Rose is here. Trust me. He will want to see me.”
I could see her considering her options. Finally, she pressed a button on her phone, speaking into the headset she wore, “Sir, there is a young girl-”
“Woman.” I corrected.
“ Woman , here to see you. Says her name is Rose.” She gave me a condescending look, feeling sure that she will be told to send me away. Seeing that being replaced by shock and a little apprehension made me smile.
She quickly guides me in through the double doors. The room continued the modern style with dark woods and glass tables. Leather couches were set up in the middle of the room with an expensive-looking table in the centre. It was like a showroom, clean and impersonal. Another set of double doors lead off to what I assumed was Abe’s actual office. This was the waiting room.
The secretary offered me refreshments which I considered refusing, but I was exhausted, and coffee would fix that. She had prepared, handed me the cup and left before Abe opened his office doors.
In a designer suit with a loud silk shirt, gold earrings, and his trimmed beard, my father greeted me, “Rose! I should have guessed that you would show up sooner or later.”
“Not as sharp in your old age, I see,” I responded, too tired to move from the couch; it took everything, not just to lay down and let sleep take me.
Abe chuckled; he moved to his drink cart, pouring himself a glass of some kind of liquor. “And what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I can’t just want to visit my father?” I dodged the question.
He smirked, probably already knowing the answer, “If this was under normal circumstances, but considering want you requested last time we spoke, I’m going to assume this isn’t normal circumstances.” He settled himself on the couch opposite me, “Are you in trouble?” his tone became serious, ready to do what was needed, I realised.
I rolled my eyes, “I haven’t done anything,” I swirled what was left of my coffee, “I just had to get away.”
He studied me, “Very well,” He stood, walked to the wall and pushed on the intercom button, “Anya, get my room at the Ritz ready and tell Pavel to meet us at the car.” Not waiting for a response, he returned to his office to put on his suit jacket and scarf.
I watched, confused, “What are you doing?”
“I am getting you a place to stay. You look terrible.” He commented, closing his office doors.
I wanted to defend my appearance, but I knew it was a waste. I have been up for almost 40 hours being unable to sleep on the plane. Should have tried to get one of the first-class seats that turn into a bed.
I followed after Abe, waving me out into the hallway and past Anya; she glared at me as I passed.
“Your secretary is a bitch.” I told him once we were out of earshot.
He glanced back at her, “Yes, she really is.”
---
Pavel stood by the car with the driver, Emil, a hulking German man in his mid-thirties, a guardian. I did not want to be on his bad side. He drove us, staying silent the whole way, part of me wondering if he spoke English.
I was going to have to learn Russian if I was going to stay.
With how my father was greeted at the hotel, one would think he was a King, everything he asked for he got. They took us to the Carlton Suite. To say it was excessive was an understatement. It was like one of the Royal suites I had seen at Court, much larger than my 300 square foot room guardians were given.
“Abe, this is too much.” I tried to tell him. I imagined the cost of one night here was more than I would have made in a year.
He waved me off, “Nonsense, no daughter of mine will be staying in some three-star hotel.” He lounged in the pure leather armchair like he owned the place. Maybe he did. “Now you go rest. Once you are ready, we will eat and then shopping.”
I cocked my head, “Why are we going shopping?”
“Because, if you are to work for me, you will not be dressed like that .” He gestured to my clothes. I looked down at the dark jeans and long sleeve shirt.
“Fine, but I am not dressing like that .” I grimaced at his own suit.
---
As promised, we ate and shopped. I thought no one could outshop Adrian. I was proven wrong.
Abe bought more for me than I had ever had in my wardrobe, so many pieces of clothes that I was confident I would never wear or have anywhere to wear them. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Lastly, he dragged me to a tailor for suits, what I would wear when working. As the tailor took my measurements, Abe explained what I would be doing. I was to be a part of his eyes and ears around the city, keep the Strigoi population low, and work as part of his personal guard when he travels. I readily agreed, happy to learn the suits were only for when travelling with him, otherwise I can dress however I wanted.
I also learnt that I would be working closely with Pavel and Emil, who could speak English but was a man of few words.
“And Rose, when working, refer to me as Mr Mazur only. Very few know you are my daughter and your mother and I did that so you would be kept safe from those that wish to harm me. Remember out here, there are many wolves in sheep clothing.” Abe warned.