Chapter Text
It had been a golden two years, but nothing gold can stay, and Neil fucking hates that.
Nearly two years ago, that January had begun with Neil freshly free from his father’s vice-like grip and Neil in a new relationship with Todd Anderson, one of his best friends and the love of his life. Throughout the year, Neil’s mental health improved. Over the summer they moved into a dingy-ass house just outside campus with Knox, Charlie, and Cameron: it was the kind of house that was a run-down mess when they moved in, but that just made it easier to make their own. The school year began, and Todd switched from being a general English major to being a Literature and Writing Major. Todd started seeing a psychiatrist. Knox and Charlie finally got together and Charlie changed his major for the third time. The poets survived their sophomore year of college and are now in their second semester of junior year.
Todd and Neil had a date night every week, no matter how busy things got and Neil considered himself recovered; everything was the best it had been for Neil in a long time. Possibly ever.
It had really been a good two years, it had— when things finally fell apart, they fell apart in stages.
The first red flags started in the fall of their junior year, in the middle of the night.
Neil would wake up to the sound of heavy, panicked breathing and find Todd, who should have been asleep next to him with his knees to his chest, mid panic attack.
“What's up?” Neil would sit up next to an already awake Todd, voice thick with sleep. His hand would immediately reach for Todd, and something about the gesture would come so naturally. “Are you okay?”
Neil remembers one panic attack, in particular, the fifth time it happened in a month.
“Yeah,” Todd breathed, his words barely a whisper. His voice was raw and not in a sexy way; in the emotionally devastating way. Todd looked like he'd been crying and his hand was over his chest.
“Todd… something’s wrong,“ Neil said. It was meant to be a question, but his sleep-ridden brain struggled to find the right words; Todd hadn’t been this bad until the fall began.
“Something’s wrong,” Todd repeated back to him; he couldn’t seem to find his words, which wasn’t right because this didn’t happen around Neil anymore. At least not like this.
Neil put a steady hand on Todd’s knee. “Sweetheart, what’s going on?”
Todd just shook his head. Neil didn’t know what to do, so he just did the best with the guess he had; he scooted closer to Todd and held him to his chest, the way that they had figured out tends to calm Todd best during his panic attacks.
When Neil finally got his breathing to calm, Todd spoke.
“’S different,” Todd had croaked quietly. “It feels different.”
“What do you mean?”
“It feels worse. My chest is tighter, the panic is louder— I think I’m getting worse.”
“It’ll be okay,” Neil whispered and he meant it. He really thought they would be. Todd had worried his lip so hard it had started to bleed and he pulled away when he realized he had gotten a little blood on Neil’s t-shirt.
“M sorry,” Todd said.
Neil just shook his head and kissed him softly, like maybe if he kissed Todd long enough he could make it all better. But he couldn’t. Todd was shaking and Neil held him gently, trying to get the anxiety to cease, trying to calm Todd.
“What if I’m getting worse, Neil?” Todd asked quietly.
Neil should have seen it coming; Todd had seen it coming before him and he didn’t even know exactly what to look for. How could Neil not remember how easily bad can turn to worse?
The next signs were something that Neil didn’t even realize were red flags when they first started going up; Todd grew distant and as quiet as he had been when they first met. Neil, despite his own experience with his mind falling to pieces, hadn't worried Todd was getting depressed, he hadn’t even considered it. He just assumed Todd was going through a rough patch.
But when the new year came around, months of Todd waning, Neil started to worry it was him who was the problem.
“What’s wrong?” Charlie had asked one late evening. They were both downing mixed drinks; Knox had left for a semester abroad and Charlie was sulking. Neil was somewhere else in his mind.
“Huh? Oh, it’s just something with Todd.”
Charlie had this concerned quirk to the corner of his mouth. “What? Did something happen with you guys?”
“No, nothing like that,” Neil shook his head. “It’s trivial.”
“Don’t give me that shit. What’s wrong?”
Neil let out a sigh.“I was just thinking about Todd and he’s been weird recently.”
“Weird how?” Charlie asks, turning in his chair to better look at Neil.
“Quiet.”
Charlie looked almost confused at that but took a thoughtful sip of drink anyway. “He’s always quiet. Isn’t that kind of his thing?”
Neil let out a half-laugh and finished off his drink, pouring himself a new one as he talked. “Well, yeah, but it’s a different kind of quiet. He’s distant and more moody and…”
“And?” Charlie raised his eyebrows, waiting for Neil to finish.
“We haven’t slept together in awhile.”
“And it’s bothering you?” Charlie asked, leaning back in his chair a bit.
“Kind of.”
Charlie waited for Neil to say more, for him to properly admit what he was thinking.
Goddamn it, Charlie . “Fine; we haven’t slept together in awhile and it bothers me.”
“How long has it been?”
“Six months.”
“Six months— that’s like—”
“August. We haven’t slept together since August.”
“Shit,” Charlie said, taking another sip of his drink. Then he gave Neil his cocky grin and Neil knew he was going to make a joke before the words even touched his lips. “So you’re upset because you’re horny?”
Neil let out a scoffing laugh. “No, it’s more than that.”
“Then why is that, in particular, bothering you?”
“I don’t know,” Neil said, lazily stirring his drink with his finger.
It was Charlie’s turn to let out a little laugh. “Yes, you do.”
“It’s just that he’s been acting differently. Like I said, he’s been weird and distant. And now we haven’t had sex in five months and I feel like—” Neil didn’t even want to say it. “I feel like he hates me. And I know, sex isn’t everything and whatever, but he flinches when I try to cuddle him and he says my name like it tastes bad and he won’t fucking sleep with me and I, I feel like he hates me .”
Charlie didn’t seem to know what to say to that, so Neil voices the thing that’s been tearing him apart.
“I think he might not love me anymore.”
Charlie’s brow creases and his answer is quick. “Don’t say that. He’s loved you for a long time now.”
Neil just shakes his head; it’s something he hasn’t wanted to admit for a while now; this fear that Todd has had enough of Neil.
“He did. I know he did for a while but I don’t think he does; not anymore. I think he’s considering breaking up with me?”
“You know Todd better than anyone— you really think that’s what he’s going to do?”
“I don’t know; I know Todd loved me. But he’s been so distant I don’t even know what else to think.”
Things had only gotten worse from there. In retrospect, Neil kicks himself for not seeing it sooner. For thinking this was all about him, for not thinking of the fact the same thing that consumed him senior year of high school could get to Todd too.
Todd got quieter and spent more time in their bedroom while Neil went out with the poets. He stopped talking to Neil about the things that bothered him and missed class and all of it seemed so un-Todd that Neil didn’t even know what to do with it.
By the time Neil realized what was wrong, things were already too fragmented for him to stitch back together. Things were too dark for even radiant Neil Perry to fix.
Because nothing gold can fucking stay.
The hospital is too familiar.
It hasn’t changed a bit since Neil was here a little over two years ago; he didn’t sit in this lobby, but he remembers walking through it as he left, after the doctors fixed him up and he spent a long week in the psychiatric ward.
He sits in the lobby, tapping his foot slightly against the tiled floor. Neil’s nervous; he doesn’t know what he wants to happen but he’s nervous for whatever the hospital chooses to do with Todd.
Todd didn’t attempt suicide, which seems like the one silver lining in all this mess, but Todd had admitted that he needed help a little past one am when he woke Neil and asked him to drive Todd to the hospital. He explained to Neil about the self-harm on their way there, how much he desperately wanted to die, why there was blood on the sweatshirt he borrowed from Neil, voice quiet and trembling. Neil listened. Todd tried to explain the hell that he can’t quite seem to weed from his mind. Neil tried to understand.
He’s still trying to understand. Neil has lived through depression and he doesn’t know why it’s so different now that it’s Todd—
It’s the fear. It’s how fucking scared he is to lose Todd.
Or maybe Neil does understand, if he’s honest. There may be distance from the depression but he knows what it’s like; he knows what it is to live in a place that’s inescapable, whether it be a physical place or just one’s mind. He just loves Todd so much that the thought of him facing the same things Neil has makes Neil feel sick to his stomach.
Todd comes out into the lobby a little over 45 minutes later. He looks so tired these days, and he’s wearing one of Neil’s sweatshirts, which would normally make Neil smile but now just makes something pang inside of him, because Todd looks so small in Neil’s clothes and his eyes look achingly tired and there’s still blood on the sweatshirt. Neil immediately stands. Todd comes up to meet him, and stands in front of Neil, staying a good foot or two away from Neil.
“They— they want me to stay,” Todd whispers quietly in this space between them.
“Okay,” Neil says and he offers a small half-encouraging smile. Todd doesn’t return it.
“Yeah.”
Neil nods, still trying to be as positive as he can. “That’s okay; this could be a good thing, right? It’ll give you some time away, some time to heal.”
Todd just shrugs and Neil shatters. He reaches for Todd’s hand but Todd pulls away and Neil tries not to act hurt.
“You promised you’d keep trying,” Neil says quietly.
“I know,” Todd’s lips ghost around the words. “I—I am.”
Neil tries to believe him but there’s still blood on the sweatshirt Todd’s wearing. Todd’s blood. He tries again. “I’ll visit you.”
“Okay.”
“And I can email your professors but definitely don’t worry about schoolwork right now, I’ll get it all dealt with. Maybe I can see if Knox could call you,” Neil continues, creating a mental list of the things he needs to do when he gets home. Of all the ways he can support Todd.
“Okay.”
Neil goes on. “Charlie could visit one day too if you want and I can bring you a book or two from home. And some clothes and a notebook or something. So you can write.”
“Okay.”
“And Meeks and Pitts and Cameron could come in on Wednesday or something. If not they could call like Knox or something like that. And I can call Jeffery, but only if you want me to.”
“Okay,” Todd says again, almost robotically, like it’s rehearsed, and something in Neil breaks. Suddenly he’s frustrated.
“Todd, you can’t grow apathetic on me.”
Todd looks almost taken aback. “I’m—I’m not.”
“Tell me what I can do and I’ll do it, Todd. Fucking anything. I just can’t have you not care; you need to keep wanting to get better.”
Todd’s vacant expression suddenly grows sad and his lip starts to tremble and then Neil feels all bent and guilty. God, this is all such a mess.
“I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you,” Neil says softly, reaching up to run a thumb over Todd’s cheek; he does it carefully, like a question, a silent request of permission for Neil to comfort Todd before they’re separated for these next few days. For once, Todd doesn’t pull away from Neil’s touch and a small warmth appears in Neil’s chest, a small match in all this goddamn darkness. But Neil’s heart is breaking and he doesn’t know how to make this better.
It’s almost as though Todd hears his thoughts because he quietly coughs out, “You can’t— you can’t fix this, Neil.”
Neil lets out a loud sigh and pulls Todd into a gentle hug. “I know I can’t.”
But I want to , Neil wants to say; he wants to just make Todd’s mind a calm place to be, he wants to make him breathe easy like he used to. Todd once told Neil that he helps him catch his breath, but Neil knows that isn’t true anymore. He knows he’s just another unpleasant task, another thing that makes Todd’s world difficult.
Neil doesn’t know when things changed.
“Just get better for me, okay?” Neil says, palm on Todd’s jaw. He wants to kiss him but the moment seems all wrong and he knows that Todd needs a friend right now, the part of Neil that’s his best friend, not a doting boyfriend. Honestly, Neil isn’t positive Todd sees him as a boyfriend anymore.
“I will.”
“Promise me,” Neil says, and all of a sudden he’s seventeen again, not twenty one, standing in this very hospital with Todd making him promise the same thing; to get better. “Please.”
Todd looks at Neil a long moment before letting out a quiet, “I promise.”
Neil wants to believe him. He so desperately does.
The drive back home is a lonely, empty one. Neil feels not quite in his body as he drives back home, trying to think about anything but Todd. But, of course, he’s the only thing Neil’s mind can focus on. Eventually, after what seems like an eternity, Neil pulls into the driveway of their shitty, beautiful house.
It takes a while for Neil to work up the energy to go inside and face Cameron and Charlie. He takes the time to scrub the blood off the passenger seat and sets the reminder on his phone to bring Todd a bag of his things to the hospital tomorrow, like he could forget, until he finally is able to get himself up the lawn. He passes Charlie’s assortment of plastic flamingos that he insisted on having on their front lawn, that Knox and Charlie have argued about almost as much as they’ve argued about the obnoxiously ugly fish chair Charlie got when they first moved in. The problem with Charlie’s lawn flamingos is not so much that they’re ugly (which they are, but that’s not the worst part); the real problem is the sheer quantity of them. There’s got to be at least eighteen of them now, some of which are stuck haphazardly in the middle of the grass, some of which are peaking out of bushes or behind the one tree on the front of the property. Neil always refers to them affectionately as Charlie’s flamingo army.
Eventually, Neil reaches the porch where Knox’s cheesy-ass home is where the heart is doormat resides and through the front door, where they still have mistletoe hanging from the holidays, even though it’s almost May.
Charlie and Cameron are both waiting on the couch, both nursing coffees despite the fact that it’s nearly four in the morning. They aren’t talking because even if the two of them get along better these days, that doesn’t mean they get along well.
“How’s Todd?” Charlie asks, immediately getting to his feet once he sees Neil. Neil rubs the bridge of his nose and collapses in the armchair across from them; he’s quiet a long time before answering.
“They want him to stay for a few days.”
Neil doesn’t understand what these feelings are, hot like anger but bitter like pain.
“So he’s at the hospital?”
Neil nods. A silence passes between all of them.
“He'll be okay," Neil says, but he doesn't think it's really Cameron and Charlie he's trying to convince.
"Yeah," Charlie responds but the usual confidence in his voice is missing, which makes Neil's heart sink. "Todd always pulls through."
"For sure," Cameron says but he sounds even less convincing. Neil tries to tell himself that they're both just tired, they just sound that way because it's early in the morning.
"We should probably get some sleep,” Neil says. Cameron nods and gets to his feet, immediately heading off to his own room; it takes Neil a minute to will himself to get up but then, after giving Charlie a pat on the shoulder and wishing him a good night, heads towards his bedroom. Neil tries to forget that he shouldn’t be sleeping alone, this is Todd’s room too, but he can’t. Even with Todd gone, he’s all Neil has on his mind.
Neil can't sleep, which is unsurprising, really, considering the circumstances.
When he walks out of his bedroom to get a glass of water, he finds the kitchen light is still on. He goes to turn it off but Charlie is there, sitting in his awful fish chair at their kitchen table. His laptop is open next to him and a bowl is sitting in front of him.
"Hey, what are you still doing up?" Neil says.
Charlie looks up, looking slightly surprised but mostly tired, and motions to the bowl in front of him. "Cereal."
Neil gives him a half-laugh. "You're staying up until 5 am for a god damn bowl of cereal?"
“Nah, Knox is already awake so I'm going to have breakfast with him before he goes to class. I’m just waiting for him to call.”
Charlie and Knox have been trying the whole long-distance thing since Knox left back in January for a semester abroad; this happened a lot, Neil finding Charlie awake at ridiculous hours in the morning for the sole purpose of talking to Knox. Neil honestly doesn’t know how Charlie doesn’t fall asleep during class with how often Neil finds him awake.
“Time difference, right,” Neil says, taking a seat next to Charlie and giving him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Five hours seems like a pain in the ass.”
Charlie nods. “It is. But he’s only in Scotland for another month, so that’s something good."
Neil smiles and he hopes it doesn’t look forced, he really is happy for them; they all need a little something good in their lives right now. But it must come off that way because Charlie looks over at him with a frown.
“Why are you awake? Worrying about Todd?”
Neil nods. “Yeah.”’
“Understandable. But Neil— are you okay?”
A silence passes between them and Neil lets out a sigh; Neil is so happy Charlie will talk about serious things with him these days, but this entire subject fills Neil with dread. “I’m trying to stay positive, I’m always the positive one. But I’m not sure how much longer I can do it, Charlie.”
Charlie gives him a pat on the shoulder, much like the way Neil had done it just minutes ago, and just gives a sympathetic nod, his own way of trying to comfort Neil. He doesn’t seem to know what to say but Neil doesn’t mind; he just goes on.
“These bad days feel like they last forever, you know?”
Neil doesn’t say it to Charlie in particular, if he’s honest, more just to the room in general but Charlie looks at him and just nods.
“I know they do.”
They sit there for a while longer and the conversation turns more light-hearted. Neil tries to forget that Todd is laying in a hospital bed, struggling, and that Neil feels completely useless in all of this. But he can’t.
His wayward thoughts are interrupted when Charlie's phone dings with a notification.
“Oh, that’s Knox.”
“I'll let you guys talk,” Neil says, and he gets to his feet, making his way back to his room. Well, his and Todd’s room, but Todd’s side of the bed is empty and cold; Neil curls up in bed, pulling their comforter around himself. His mind is a wandering thing that can’t seem to pin down, and he wonders if Todd has managed to fall asleep in one of the uncomfortable hospital beds.
God, when will things stop feeling so heavy?
Neil has class in the morning the next day, a Friday, but afterwards he goes to visit Todd and bring him a bag of his things like he promised. He has to wait in the lobby for awhile because Todd is in some sort of group therapy, but eventually, a nurse leads him back to the adult wing of the psychiatric ward.
When he pushes through the heavy doors behind the nurse that go out into the main room of the psych ward and the nurse ushers him to the other side of the room, Neil sees him.
Todd’s sitting at a table on his own, writing fervently with a golf pencil, and Neil stops for a moment because Todd looks so beautiful when he’s concentrating. When he’s writing, he looks like not a thing in the world could bring him as much peace as much as what’s on the other end of that pencil. There’s an assortment of papers laying out in front of him and Neil takes a few steps closer, so he’s across the table from Todd.
“Hey,” Neil says. "Can I sit?"
Todd looks up at Neil and although he doesn't smile, Neil is pretty sure Todd is glad to see him.
“Yeah, yeah, of course, sorry,” Todd responds as he starts to move his papers around to get them out of Neil’s way.
“You don’t have to move your papers,” Neil says and he wonders exactly when Todd started trying to make himself small again. That was true when they first met, but there was a while that Todd didn’t apologize for taking up space; for that golden year, Todd had bled more confidence than Neil had ever seen from him before. Todd still finishes cleaning up his papers so Neil adds on: “And baby, you don’t need to apologize.”
Todd nods as Neil takes the seat across from Todd and offers his hand across the table to Todd. Todd doesn’t take it and Neil tries to remind himself that this isn’t Todd rejecting him, this is Todd needing space, and that’s really okay. This isn’t Neil’s fault; he pulls his hand away.
“How are you?” Neil asks softly.
“I—I’m not good but I feel a bit better than— than last night.”
“That’s understandable.”
Todd nods and even though it seems that he’s got nothing much to say, Neil knows that if nothing else, Neil Perry is excellent at making conversation. It’s the whole reason Todd and Neil were able to become friends in the first place.
“Well, I brought you a bag of your things but I had to drop it off at the front desk because they have to make sure I didn’t bring anything dangerous, apparently,” Neil says. “I couldn’t remember which book you’re reading right now so I just brought all the ones on your bedside table.”
Neil swears he sees the corner of Todd’s mouth quirk up a bit at that.
“Neil— there were at least eight books on my bedside table.”
“I know.”
“You brought them all ?” Todd asks and there’s definitely a tiny smile on his face now.
“I couldn’t remember!” Neil says, putting his hands in the air like a surrender. “And I didn’t want to not bring whichever one you’re not finished with.”
“Well, I haven’t really been feeling motivated to read recently,” Todd says, and the frown returns. His voice gets softer. “But I really do appreciate it, Neil.”
“Of course,” Neil says before a small silence passes between them. I’m your boyfriend, it’s my job , Neil thinks; Neil decides to just go for something that’s been on his mind since he woke up this morning.“I never said thank you.”
Todd’s eyebrows raise. “For what?”
“For coming clean. It took a lot in you to admit you weren’t doing well and it means everything to me. It was really brave of you.”
Todd lets out a slightly skeptical scoff but Neil looks at him with all the sincerity he can.
“I mean it. It’s really hard to ask for help, I remember how awful I was at it back when I was sick; I’m so fucking proud of you.”
Todd looks around at the white walls of the hospital, at the other patients meeting with their family or eating lunch, and then back down to the plastic bracelet on his own wrist. “Even after all this?”
“ Especially after all this.”
“Thank you,” Todd whispers.
“No need to thank me.”
“Okay— no thank you then.”
This makes Neil laugh, and he’s pretty sure that’s the first time Todd’s made any sort of joke in literal months, so Neil gives it much more of a laugh than the response deserves.
“Things are gonna be okay, you know that?”
“Yeah?” Todd’s eyes are wide and honest, all his worries settled there.
“Yeah. Things can only get better from here, okay?” Neil says. Todd gives a small nod and Neil wants to reach out and hold his hand because this feels like coming home. But he doesn’t take his hand; Todd is coming home, slowly yet surely, and Neil knows he just needs to be patient.
“Ony better from here,” Todd repeats, some sort of confirmation. He manages another small smile and in that moment Neil really believes it.